Original subtitles

Moonchild.

You may now kiss each other's wors.

So I get him, and I hit!

Fuck you!

-Mojak? -Yes?

You tried, Robby, but unfortunately,

you are now the proud father of a yellow card.

Nomzamo, why is my boom...

Fuck you, Thando!

Goodbye.

Get outta here.

-Hello, Glen. -Hi.

You will be participating in a solo game

-called "Puppet Master." -Okay.

-You can't break me, never will. -You can't break me, never will.

-None of you will. -None of you will.

Why is he acting weird?

-I'm like Celeste at a funeral. -I'm like Celeste at a funeral.

Glen is dangerous.

Someone's gonna get burnt.

Hi.

Hi.

-Hi, everyone. -Uncle Casper.

This is a comedy icon.

-Hi, Uncle Casper. -Can you all see me?

-Yes. -Hello, Casper.

Casper de Vries, South African legend.

I am living inside a TV,

because I met a guy in Pretoria, and I said I wanna be on television.

But he put me in television.

Let's go back wholesomeness. To mother and father and family.

And we entertain everyone at home, okay?

So, how do we do that?

-We go back to our... -Roots.

Youth.

So, let me call my friend.

I waiting for my fucking friend... Hello!

What's your name?

Hello, Casper. My name is Kitty.

Kitty?

Thando is cracking.

-Now, meow. -He's playing with the pussy.

-What we say as cats? -You like that?

Meow-meow and the doggies go woof-woof.

That's nice.

What is this?

Have you got a doggy?

No, but I got a donkey.

That's nice.

Don't distract her, Glen, 'cause she might crack.

Hello, donkey.

Hello, Casper.

-Tell her to pay attention. -Pay attention.

What is your name?

I was supposed to say that, you fucking cat.

I'm sorry, Casper.

-What's your name, donkey? -Boobie.

Boobie.

Fucking confusing.

I have got a friend called Peter.

-Hey. -Yo!

Okay, well, can I meet him?

Sure, Casper, here he is.

Hello.

Not a puppet penis.

-My name is Peter. And I'm a pill. -That's bigger than mine.

Big brown dick.

Celeste, where are you?

Oh, mamma mia. I love you.

I don't understand this character for now, but I can see it's coming with some kak.

I'm not gonna laugh, but it's funny.

Your vagina clap.

You are like Alien.

That jaw hawks out and then I go in.

You had this dream to have a new South Africa

where we all can laugh with one color, one language,

doesn't matter if it's comedy or Black or white or what.

I know, Casper, but fuck that. It's not gonna work.

Come here, rub me.

Thank God, now all you have to do is wait for the lights to go red, and you're safe.

Damn.

-That's a red button. -Thando, I hope it is you and not me.

Thank you, Casper.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Trevor Noah.

That was beautiful. That was informative, it was interesting.

It makes you, you wish kids' television was what it used to be.

The energy with which it squirted.

Yeah!

I was most impressed.

Is it harder or easier to not laugh as the game goes?

-Harder. -It's getting harder now?

So many dicks around.

-There's many, many penises around. Many. -This is true.

This one in particular managed to penetrate a certain smile,

and people tried. People tried.

They tried to cock block as much as they could.

But, hey.

-Hey. -Fuck, he had me so good.

Yeah, no, it had you. So, let's enjoy this moment one last time.

You forgot you're sitting on top of a camera.

You forgot you're sitting on top of a camera.

Where... Motherfucker.

Surprisingly, though, it is only your first yellow card.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Thando's yellow card came too soon.

Climaxing in an uncontrollable smile.

That puts Thando, Celeste, Robby and Tumi on the precipice, with time ticking.

Enjoy it. I'll be back in a bit. Or maybe I won't.

-Excuse me. -Depends on...

Can I ask you a question?

How much longer do I have to have this in my ear for?

-I'll let you know. -When will you?

-I'll let you know. -Okay.

-Actually, go wear a wig. -Okay.

"Actually, go wear a wig," that's crazy.

We got another yellow, people.

This is really trauma.

It's really hard.

And really anxiety-invoking.

That Casper performance was fire.

It was wild.

-It was. -That was wild.

'Cause you didn't know where it was going. You didn't know what was happening.

Guys, come on, we gotta get fucking serious.

You stay away from me with this fucking hair.

Glen is sly.

Glen pretends to be a fool,

but he is anything but.

-How are you doing? -Guy, my brain is not well.

-But I think I need to get out there. -To get up there.

Don't let the Camps Bay persona fool you.

Glen Biderman-Pam would survive in Eldorado Park.

Don't ask me how, but I promise you.

You drop him out of a helicopter in Eldorado Park,

he'll have friends and will be eating somebody's koeksisters by lunch.

Let's get back into the game.

All righty, then.

It seems like we know who the tough nuts are right now.

-This one is very slippery. -That is true.

Seems like Glen is a tough nut to crack, but so is Lasizwe.

This one was making laugh sounds behind me.

-Lasizwe is too slippery. -Yeah, Lasizwe is slippery.

-How am I slippery, guys? -Lasizwe keeps changing his identity.

I don't know if I've made him laugh 'cause he's a different human.

-It's rough. -I met this young man through comedy.

You did. He did. He gave me one of my first-ever gigs.

-Who? -At Kitcheners. Robby.

Do you own Kitcheners?

No, I just give back to the white community.

There was only Schalk and Casper de Vries, so they needed more whites.

-Caucasians, you're Caucasian. -Caucasian is the correct word...

But you're Jewish, do you count as white?

No, it's yellow bone to a certain extent.

Thando's face.

-She nearly cracked. -She did nearly crack.

Glen, so you don't call yourself white?

No, Jewish people aren't white.

Before '94, what did your dad call himself?

Well, that was a very different story.

Yes.

You're my favorite Jew.

Well, I'm glad that fucking conversation is over.

I saw that.

Oh, shit. Already?

Oh, yeah.

That is so attractive.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Trevor Noah. -That was unexpected.

You know that was unexpected. You're looking nice.

Thank you.

-Nothing was really happening. -No.

Things were in limbo, then all of a sudden another yellow card popped out.

The weirdest things make people smile.

So, let's watch it.

Well, I'm glad that fucking conversation is over.

You went in, boy.

-Second yellow is a red. -He's outta here!

He's outta here!

And I'm so sorry about that, Robby.

I really am. I'm so sorry.

I got caught up in speaking nonsense with you.

I was just talking to my friends.

Never speak nonsense with funny people. Remember that, kids.

Glen's heat-seeking nonsense missile hits Robby straight in the face.

Robby joins Moonchild, Mojak, and Nomzamo

in this room of shame and unfulfilled expectations.

We're down to six, with three in the danger zone.

Oh, no!

Dude, come sit.

-You did good. -Come sit.

I was caught up in the comfort.

-Yeah. -Long time!

-Been a minute. -You were very cozy.

-I got... Eating chips and everything. -This guy, sloppy.

-I'm so upset. -Chips, peanuts.

-You were in a bar, you were chilling. -I was. I was comfortable.

-I went down Glen's rabbit hole. -Glen is the devil.

He pays attention, he goes one by one.

Let's see what their next sketch is.

And we're back on, ladies and gentlemen.

You see that red overall, you know something's about to pop off. Come on.

Okay, here we go.

Comrades, if I could ask you to gather,

sit down and be quiet amongst yourselves.

On behalf of the LFF, the Laughter Freedom Front,

it is bringing us great joy that you have come out in numbers today.

You know when you are meant to be something,

and it so happens that the entire nation is doing it on the same day as you,

it's amazing, and that's when you know you were born to be Julius Malema.

The message, it's simple.

Never again will we allow them to demoralize us

based on the de-capitalization of our laughter.

Jason is doing every single thing he can

to stay in the game, to fill the room

with volume.

The backbone of this country's strength

is based upon our ability to laugh upon ourselves.

The less you laugh, the louder Jason becomes.

Stand with me,

and I promise never again will you have a bad breath

from plumbing with a closed mouth full-time.

I think he should think about going into politics.

-Is it just a... -Put your shirt on!

-Sorry, I thought... Sorry. -This is a problem.

This isn't a joke. The problem is they're taking our jokes.

That's the most South African thing I've done in my life.

Why? 'Cause I love it. Our politics is rock n' roll.

We're gonna laugh We're gonna laugh

We're gonna laugh We're gonna laugh

Glen, he lives in Cape Town. Does he not tan? Go to the beach?

He's the whitest Jewish man I've ever met.

I would like you to please remember to hand in your T-shirts at the door.

-Thank you. -In fact, I'll take them back one by one.

I hope you return the land as quickly as you returned that shirt.

He looks a bit like the Michelin Man.

True.

Just a note, a comment.

-Yeah. -What? You said what?

-No, no, nothing, nothing. -Sorry, Comrade, what?

I said that was a Michelin Star speech. Thank you, I appreciate it.

-Yes. -Fantastic.

He would trust you to buy a tire from you.

-Yes. -It's insane. It's like we're in a movie.

I can't find any plants to eat.

Look, there's a little purple little lily over here.

-Little purple, little lily. -I'm gonna land on the lily.

-This is the fuckin' weirdest... -Eating the lily.

Okay, and scene. Excellent.

-But where's the... -I wasn't doing well.

-What's wrong? Why? -I was struggling a bit

with the whole laughing thing.

-Glen, Glen, memories. -I'm over here.

Yes. I remember that. That was on Saturday.

It's madness, what are they doing?

So, I just need to do this.

I hope my jeans don't get torn.

-I know. -Splits.

-There we go. -Yeah.

And then you hit that...

No man, Tumi.

What happened, Tumi? What happened?

I didn't seen anyone laugh. They better not say it was me.

No, you were fucking around down there. This is scary.

So much choice, so much laughter. Not the game.

I told you. I told you.

Trevor Gumbi... No, Trevor Noah. Trevor Noah, ladies and gentlemen.

I like seeing you less and less as this game goes.

-How are you guys feeling? Yeah? -Fuckin' mad.

-I'll tell you after you tell us. -All right.

Let's see what happened in slow motion.

-Here we go. -Watch that face.

I'm nowhere to be seen.

Why, Celeste? What were you laughing at?

She was laughing at me. I'm so sorry, friend.

What a way for you to depart the game.

Here you go!

I'm still here, bitch.

-Say your goodbyes. -Comedy royalty.

I don't even know why I joined in.

That's crazy. It was between Lasizwe and Tumi.

Why am I joinin' in? I don't know.

Tried my best.

Laughed at the stupidest thing ever.

Celeste, taken out by Tumi and the cunning use of Pilates.

Never underestimate carefully deployed stretchiness.

That's five down and five to go as laughs riddle the house.

-Guys, is it just five? -Yes.

Congratulations on halfway, my babies, come on.

Look at this.

What's more powerful is that you three have no yellows.

Yeah, that's lit.

Well, well, well.

-I laughed at the most... -It's the stupidest things that get you.

That was Tumi, stupid.

-You were doing so well in the games. -Bruh.

Every game, and then you just get done in by that.

We gotta fuckin' push, guys. Come on. Push.

Don't say that, I'm very constipated.

-Are you? -Are you? You mustn't push, then.

We're in our final few, so I have one opportunity here.

It's a quick joke, I'm not gonna try and milk it,

and maybe the spandex is gonna work.

All righty.

I am ready.

These are the moments I feel Glen will get you.

What do you call a hippie's wife?

A hippie's wife?

Mississippi. Mississippi. You get it?

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

-All right. -This is interpretive dance.

I love it.

Load shedding.

Oh, shit.

Fuck it.

You know, Barry had stage five last night.

He also didn't even have water. Fuck it.

You know, we're going the way of Zimbabwe.

Thando.

Shit, you know, I'm sick and tired of this kak.

I'm moving to Zimbabwe.

-Jason's breathing hard. -I don't care anymore.

And that was stage one.

Everyone is trying not to laugh.

-It's getting darker and darker. -Stage sixteen.

-"Stage sixteen." -Of course.

This is so deep and intense.

It is.

You're gonna hurt yourself.

Just the physical representation of the pain that we feel as a country.

-Are we covered, though, for insurance? -It's okay.

I was kind of targeting Jason 'cause I know he laughs at stupid things.

I think that's to show the pain South Africans are in.

-No, the darkness that we're in. -Correct.

It's the darkness.

Load shedding suspended. Thank you.

-Outstanding. -Thank you.

Unbelievable.

At that stage of the game, you've gotta go with your strongest shit.

If it's not working, get out, you're wasting time.

Is that interpretive dance?

-Yeah. -I interpreted as kak.

Wrong room.

This is so hard.

-I don't know if it was so kak. -I enjoyed it.

I would like to say, your interpretation of understanding it,

-is your light and dark as furious as his? -Yeah.

'Cause normally my light is calm, my darkness is...

-But is your... -No, I've got an inverter.

That was great.

-I was not expecting the inverter. -Even me.

-That's what makes you a problem. -That was really good.

-Yep. -Stuff like that.

What's going on there? Is this a smile hiding?

Are you going off the grid?

Your face was the straightest.

Lasizwe, what's happening here?

This is the straightest you'll see Lasizwe. When his face is that way.

I like that we're wearing him down. He's starting to get a little bit tired.

The corners of his lips are starting to quiver,

like, he's fighting this thing so hard.

-But you're... -Look, he's doing the breathing.

The smile's coming. Now, he's gonna take the thing.

But you saw, he runs away.

Then he breathes and looks up to the sky, and then he's gone.

Something's not... Make sure they...

-There we go. -There we go, Lasizwe.

Ya, come for my...

He's been cheating from the beginning. He runs.

But literal running. Like, literal running.

Usage of hair in mouth.

But at this point, he's doing a very good job

of keeping it together, I must give him that.

-Are you joking? -Oh, shit.

Every single time the confounded red-lighted vuvuzela thing happened,

my brain went, "It's me."

That is the only way to not...

-I get happier every time I see you. -We get sadder.

The interpretive dance. Really moving.

-Thank you. -You were moving mostly.

I don't think anyone was moved by it.

There was a lot of movements.

We have the next culprit.

We saw it creep up on your face and here it is.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Tried to hide it.

-Yes. Yes. Yes! -One of many.

-One of many. -Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

One of many.

Nice tactic, by the way, but didn't save you enough.

Congratulations, you've earned a yellow card.

-Well done, whoever did that. -Welcome to the club.

I can feel the pressure.

It is scaring me because time isn't on our side.

There's a lot going on.

Lasizwe learns the first rule of Last One Laughing.

You can run, but you can't run.

There are cameras everywhere.

That leaves Glen and Jason as the only contenders without any cards.

Listen, we've got... Let's get him the fuck out of here.

Get him the fuck out of...

No, Lasizwe, he's just got a yellow, let's fucking get him out of here.

Alliances. Alliances, Glen is slick, eh?

Yeah.

All right, let's go back in.

-Okay, we're back. -Oh, God.

The green light, cock crows, feels like it's now lockdown

and they press a button, and all the jail cell doors close

with that slamming.

It's solitary confinement, but you're not on your own. Terrifying.

Have you ever wanted to do that thing they do in the movie when they go,

-"You've got to be joking." -Oh, God. Oh, shit.

Oh, Lord.

That was really close.

Fuck me, that was good.

Like when you... When they laugh.

Glen.

Oh, man.

I know, Jason cracked there... Jason.

That is the moment I thought, "I'm gone."

Time to shake things up a little bit.

There's someone coming. There's someone in the box.

-Look at this. -It says up but there's a shelf.

-Jason was... -There's a person underneath that.

That's not an attractive...

-Don't open it. -Not at all.

Don't open it.

No one knows how to open the box. I lift the box, I see the feet of a hobo.

All right, everyone, what you wanna do is, you wanna peel the stickers off.

The sticker.

This package just shows how brain-dead we are at that time

that we literally can't...

So, we have to be instructed how to open a box.

How many comedians does it take to open a box? Am I right?

-Am I right? -Oh, no. No!

It's Oskido.

No, no, no!

Not Oskido.

I feel like Oskido needs to focus on Tumi only.

Hello, my friends. Yo, yo, yo. What's up?

So, this legend makes hilarious videos online.

We're all a fan of his music.

No.

I'm screwed. He looked ridiculous.

In Oskido, I believe Oskido, I believe

Are you ready for this?

I am ready. You know what, let me perform for you.

I refuse to be taken out by an outsider.

I say, are you ready?

No way, that's a moon mop.

I've got Moonchild here, then we're gonna rock this soul.

Mr. DJ, come on, let's go.

That is not Moonchild.

You know you've made it when even new, upcoming comedians have to carry you

as part of their gags, you know you've made it.

And so, for all the mops in the world,

especially the ones that "blue" up, it's a shout-out.

What is funny on the phone does not always translate live.

-I love that. -That's amazing.

-Unbelievable. -That was beautiful.

Was that Mafikizolo?

I don't know if you bath in long-life milk,

but you've been this age for about 17 years, and we thank you.

-Thank you very much. -A legend.

-Thank you so much. -A legend.

Incredible.

Unbelievable.

I love Mafikizolo.

That was the most difficult moment

of the entire six hours right there for me, right there, Oskido.

Did we ever interview him?

-No. No. -No?

But if you were to, what would you say?

I wish you'd rinse that, 'cause I would... While I speak to you.

Where do you think it's been?

-Where? -Dude, what?

-That was close. -You trapped yourself.

-You done played your damn self, son. -That was close.

All right, all right. Finally, something's happening.

Dicked me in the face, surprised yourself.

So dumb.

-I am not coming near you. Yeah. -On my face.

-Just a cucumber. That cucumber. -I know.

I'm comin' out with all of my guns, my pistol, pistol, it's not workin'.

-I know. Yep. -Here on my mouth.

There on my chin.

You hit it.

Not working, okay, bazooka!

-There you go. -Just a cucumber.

Hit me with a cucumber.

If that's not working, okay, get... Listen, I'm pulling out all of them.

-Tell us why? -What happened?

-You hit me with a phallic cucumber. -Please look into the lens.

-A cucumber. -A dirty one.

It's gettin' to crunch time 'cause I realize something.

I've got my yellow long ago, but I'm still here.

And most of us have yellows, I'm in. I'm stayin'.

Now, I wanna stay. Let's go. It's game on.

Tumi can surprise you because her range,

not only as a comedian, but as an actress, is vast.

But tell me, what happened when you hit me in my face with that cucumber?

What did it remind you of? 'Cause I could see you nearly broke.

Sure, it was close.

That almost backfired.

You nearly broke.

I don't know how I kept it together.

This is lovely.

Oh, God, no, no, no.

Yeah.

-Look at that. -Oh, no, no, no.

I was slightly aroused, I must be honest,

then it looks at you, and it's a mustache, I think, " Yes, no. Or maybe?"

-Her name is Miss Smash. -Right.

-Welcome to Jam Alleyway. -Okay.

I'm looking for three contestants.

So, we're gonna pick from the most struggling people in South Africa.

-Like the poorest? -In no particular order.

-Jason, Thando, Tumi. -I'm definitely not the poorest here.

-Was that based on money? -Let's go!

-Yes. It's 'cause you're white. -That is interesting.

I'm definitely not. By the...

No amount of money can ever match privilege, friend.

That's a... I'm not gonna comment on that.

-Glen on Jammie Alleyway. I know. -Jammie Alleyway.

-Glen would throw him off too much. -Yeah.

That's why he left Glen out of this game.

There's your chair here, Glen. The audience member.

Feel a bit ostrich-sized.

-Sorry, guys. -Bit ostrich-sized.

What's your name?

My name is Vinolia.

-Good, what's your name? -My name is Ash.

-What's your name? -My name is Sarafina.

-Amazing. Okay. -Beautiful.

Interesting. That's...

That's very interesting.

Oh, man!

-Can everybody say "Whoo"? -Whoo!

That's close to being a laugh, Jason.

-Vinolia? -Yes?

Which foot did Nelson Mandela use when he walked out of prison?

My gut, it says "left foot."

-Left foot, then right foot. -Definitely, for sure.

He used a foot sack.

Used a...

Your answer is... Correct!

-Correct! -Yay!

How much do I win?

Okay, it's a two-part, okay? You get to pick.

It's either you get to know your absent father's last-seen address,

or to get a forwarded voice note from him.

It's so difficult, but I need to hear my dead father's voice one more time.

-Well done. -Are you going to play his voice?

He's in jail.

-That's terrible news. -Her dead father is in jail.

He is... Come back, Glen. Come back.

-Terrible news! -Her dead father is in prison.

-He's locked up. -How does that even work?

That's what a big criminal he was, he's still serving.

You get life sentences, and then you get other sentences.

-Buried in the jail. -Lasizwe is strong.

I don't know if Lasizwe's strong or if he doesn't get it.

What the fuck?

Okay, let's close the show.

Let's all dance. Come onto the stage. That's how you close the show.

I like that, in the game,

some people forget what the "game" game is,

-and they get caught in their meta-game. -Yeah.

Like right now, Lasizwe was more invested in Jammie Alleyway

than in making people laugh or not laugh.

-See you next week. -Good night, viewers.

Bye-bye.

-Smile at the children. -We love you!

Credits are rolling. Keep it going guys. The cameras are still on us.

-Thank you. -Look interesting.

Thank you, children.

-That was great. -Fucking hell.

I love Glen throwing shit.

Fuck!

Really?

No ways.

When this vuvuzela played, it was terrifying,

because you don't know if you're going out or not.

-Was it you? -No, I didn't laugh.

Oh, my gosh. When the red hits, you can't help but think it's you.

Did I laugh?

What is this gonna be? Sex or...

Oh, my God, no. I'm stressed.

How about that?

-My pussy fresh. -All right.

That was too far. There is a line.

-His eyes are squint. -Yep.

We're about to lose Glen.

Time to shake things up a little bit.

The bad news is, we're close to the end,

and so, the stakes have gotten a whole lot higher.

Oh, my God.

-So, this is your final chance. -What?

This is an insane situation.

The next laugh takes it all.

Damn it!

Really unexpected.

I can't believe that happened.