Original subtitles

I'm fighting, with every sinew in my body,

the desire to want to laugh.

I don't think Mojak is gonna survive this one.

He's going through pain.

Please give us the red light, 'cause Mojak is destroying me!

I look around. I see the first person on the laptop.

Message sent!

Fuck you!

You motherfucker!

Thank you, Lord, for protecting me from Robby Collins!

You see your best friend dressed in a karate suit,

karate-ing a bin, what you gonna do? What you gonna do?

That was torturous!

That was one hell of a kung fu demonstration.

That was the dopest performance. You killed me.

Shit!

Have you ever held a pee for too long, friend?

And then, just when you are about to just give in

and accept that you can embarrass yourself,

the toilet door opens.

Well, well, well.

Bye, Mo.

I wonder who it was?

Nobody. How would you be sure, really?

I mean, it was so subtle that none of us really know.

-Yes. -Let's see who's getting a card.

Oh, my word, I was cooked, bro.

-Oh, my goodness! -Mojak.

In many ways your face was like this dustbin,

broken by Robby Collins.

-Mojak? -Yes?

Just like your shirt. Thatha.

Thank you, everyone. High-five, high-five, high-five!

High-five, high-five, high-five!

I'm so upset. Robert, how could you do this to me?

I thought we were friends, you bastard.

I feel bad for Mo, but at the same time,

I'm happy that I eliminated somebody.

He's a guy that came in with, like, strategy.

This is my plan A, plan B, plan C. Back up one, back up two.

Generator, inventor.

I just feel like calling my boyfriend and saying, "Yo, he's gone!"

Nicely done, my man. Come take a seat.

Oh, man, I got cooked!

But you got cooked by the best bit so far.

Yeah, it was hard. Yeah.

-That was the best bit by far. -That was fire. Yeah.

Good for you, Robs. Good for you.

Yep. Friendly fire was responsible for showing Mojak a red card.

With friends like Robby, who needs enemies? Or a dustbin?

Let's get the game going back.

-Here we go. -And we're back!

I've kinda got a headache.

Guys, when you beat the drum, be careful.

Dear beloved,

we are gathered here to bury our beloved jokes

that have been dying since we started this.

-That's funny. -Amen.

So this is a multi-burial, starting with Tumi.

Tumi's still alive, but the joke died.

A very untimely death of Rihanna.

And Lasizwe's joke also died.

I'm a fan of Celeste, so I know Celeste's strongest points,

when I've watched, like, her shows is, like, the,

"I usually tell men I like it from the back.

"And I can twerk."

So, I'm like, "Girl, like, I want to see that Celeste,"

not the, "Our jokes have died."

On that note, I would like to call all the speakers

who are going to come and cry

on behalf of all this wasted air time and jokes.

-Amen. -Amen.

-Amen. -Amen!

Amen.

Yeah, there's crickets here.

On that note, seeing that I might be dying myself,

I'm burying my own joke.

I tried.

Thank you very much. I think I did my best.

Didn't bruise my ego, but it dented it a bit.

I was like, "Ouch."

-Glen. -Yes?

Everything that happened there, it wasn't confusing...

To just you, as a white person.

I'm just letting you know. I'm letting you know I was also confused.

-I had no idea what was going on. -Yeah.

It's not 'cause you're white, it's 'cause...

-I was also lost. -I thought it was 'cause you white.

-Anyway. -Yeah, you should leave.

Just leave me alone.

That's a funny line.

My strategy in the Free Play World was to just try and bounce around

to as many people as I can.

-That was amazing. -Yeah, no, that was...

-A lot of fun. Thank you very much. -A lot of fun. Thank you.

How he's operating the room,

he's not leaving any stone unturned.

Here we go.

All righty.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Glen seems like he graduated from the University of Being White People.

Cum laude.

He's got a PhD in being a white person, this guy.

Two men in the house are my target.

Glen and Robby.

Based on the conversation that I've had with them and what makes them giddy.

I'm avoiding Nomzamo, because I feel like if I start engaging,

she'll put me in a situation that I don't know how to get out of.

What's the most romantic date you've ever been on?

I took somebody on a date, and then, we walked along the river in New York.

It was amazing. It was the most romantic date.

It was great, but then, at the end of the night,

she got robbed on her way home.

Is that a pun on Rob?

You very deep.

Just saying. She got robbed on her way home.

-It was a date. -Is that what you were saying?

I wasn't saying that.

Do you wanna go on a date right now?

Nomzamo's playing with me, 'cause she's looking me dead in the eyes,

and I don't know if it's a joke.

It feels like she's flirting with me, so I'm feeling uncomfortable.

Are there any things you don't eat?

I don't eat pork.

You sound like a headache. I'd never go on a date with you.

I'm following this, but at the same time,

I'm not letting her bait me.

I feel like everyone's gotten a little too comfortable.

Let's bring in a little surprise.

Shit, here we go.

-Oh, no. Oh, no. -Well, fuck.

Oh, no, this is not good. I don't like this at all.

-It's me, guys! -It is you.

-Suzelle! -Hi, Suzelle!

Glen has worked with Suzelle in other roles,

and they're kinda friends.

Yeah, Suzelle walks out, and I think,

"No, this is not good at all,"

because I know Julia, I know she's coming for me.

Glen and I actually go way back, don't we, Glen?

We go back in time.

-From a past life or something. -Apartheid.

-I thought you were gonna say... -Apartheid.

No, guys. "A past life." "A past life."

I was happy to push him under the bus.

Glen under a bus is a comforting picture for me.

I know what's happening here. You wanna crack?

You wanna crack, but don't worry.

I'll teach you some techniques to help you.

Yeah? Amazing.

The funny thing is, normally, I would say, "In times of pressure, just laugh.

"Laugh it off your shoulders, Suzelle."

Laugh it off your shoulders, but you can't, can you?

No, you can't.

Trevor's gonna come in, yeah?

He's gonna banish you down that hallway of shame.

So, don't laugh, please, guys. Okay?

Yes, if you feel like you...

The pressure's building, it's bubbling, what you gonna do?

You're gonna close one nose.

Hang on a second.

Robby knows that one quite well from all his cocaine.

So on the nose.

Then you close the other nose, like this. Then it's out through the other nose.

It's a calming breath.

So good, Suzelle. Thank you.

It's my pleasure, Glen.

-He's so cute, isn't he? -He really is.

The next thing I like to do if I'm very stressed,

and I'm full of tension in my body, I like to surround myself with...

-Love. -No, but good one. No.

-Clothes. -No.

-Teddy bears. -Friends, friends.

Nature, guys.

-That's a great description of nature. -Nature!

Can't believe we didn't get that.

Exactly. Guys, is there... There's no nature in this room.

It's fake. Look at this. It's fake.

Touch it. It's fake.

Thando might crack here.

This is fake and there's a camera in that one.

Just, I'm letting you know, and it's a low angle, hey?

Not so great.

So it's looking up at your double chins.

Just warning you guys, okay?

So, what I thought we could do together is use our creativity...

Yes?

...to create some nature in the room. Okay.

Who would like to be the wind?

-Jason. -I'm very windy.

-You can hold this. -He is very windy.

-This packet is gonna represent the wind. -He's highly windy.

Calm down, calm down, calm down.

I'm going into panic mode.

Can I use the whole space?

Use the space. That's right.

-Can I use the whole space? -Use it.

It looks like Nomzamo has adopted the "scream it out" technique.

I don't know what that is, but...

So, what you guys are gonna be in the nature,

is you're gonna stand up, and you're gonna be trees.

Are you okay, Nomzamo?

Use your arms to be branches.

I... Me, I'm a baobab tree.

You can be a baobab tree. Excellent.

I'm like, Nomzamo's very ticklish.

It's like we took a ticklish person and put them in a tickle factory.

-Who wants to be a babbling brook? -I would.

-You can be babbling brook. -Me, me, me.

-Blow in. As hard as you can. -Listen, guys.

Listen to the babbling brook.

So, at this point, Glen and I are both blowing into this little bottle.

And it's completely helping me out.

He's very bubbly, this guy, isn't he? Shame.

And then, you guys, we're gonna make the sounds of nature.

-Yes! -Birds. There we go, birds.

Okay, now everyone together, let's move around the space.

Nature.

What nature is this?

Okay, so, guys, the last thing that I like to do if I'm feeling stressed out...

-Yeah. -I like to move my body.

Move it, baby.

Hey, Trevor.

Can you play a bit of music?

Then just brush off the laughter, guys.

Lose it.

Here we go, come on.

-Brush it off your shoulders. -Suzelle, what are we brushing off?

The laughter.

But inwards, like this.

Always brush inwards.

Lasizwe, you have to participate.

Lasizwe, participate.

-Look at him. -Yeah.

Everybody participate

Queen.

Participate

Hey, participate, participate, participate

I love it.

Lose it.

That is so funny.

Everybody participate

That's what it is.

Just participate, participate, participate

Look at this, guys, this is how we dance.

This is what we do when we dance. Watch here.

This is the dance. That's beautiful, can you see that?

-Lose it. -Yeah.

-Unbelievable. -I have to go, my darlings.

She's got to go. She's got lots to do.

Brush it off your shoulders, Robby. Brush it off.

Brush it towards your face.

-Bye. -Bye, Suzelle.

The character's flawless. Just keep rewinding and watching her bit.

She sounds like she ate Afrikaans cereal for breakfast in Bloemfontein.

Strictly. It's unbelievable.

Oh, shit, I did not like that.

Oh, man, I just I couldn't wait to see the back of her.

Can we play toss Jason's wors?

All right, another sex joke.

Toss the wors.

Guys, please, stop with the wors. I can't anymore.

I don't wanna see wors for another six months minimum.

Yes. Robby, you tossing wors like you've been-been my man.

-That's true. -I guess it's not your first wors toss.

-You will not affect me. -Lot of wors jokes today.

Okay.

Tumi Morake has entered the stage.

Here we go.

Fuck.

Don't mind me, just a pregnant woman dragging shit around.

Fuck.

Okay, so this is the mannequin, I asked for a mannequin.

You're missing the hole.

If he had, I wouldn't be pregnant, would I?

Tumi Morake, ladies and gentlemen.

One of South Africa's rough gems.

So, I just wanna share that...

You guys know already I have three kids,

and the first thing that happens is you must decide

how you're gonna have your baby.

The first one is the one everybody knows, on your back.

The other one is the one-legged.

Oh, God.

And then my favorite position, which I'm probably gonna do

when I have to have my baby is called the Cambodian reverse,

and it's like this.

-Yes. -Robby.

So, the first thing is, as a... For the guys,

'cause you're watching and going, "It's pointless to me."

Look at Robby. Robby doesn't know what to do.

What you can do to help us give birth is massage our perineum.

It's the bridge.

You see?

Right now, I'm feeling awkward.

Now, guys, can you do this?

Just wet your thumbs a bit, and then you massage the perineum.

Come on, please do it so you can feel what it's like.

You're relaxing the cunchancha so it can give birth.

-Loosen it. -Robby.

-Tumi is talking. -You do it before you start giving birth.

Massage the vagina so the baby can come out, right?

'Cause you don't want the vagina to hold on to the baby.

When the baby's gonna be hitting a wall. You want the...

-My vagina never does that. -The vagina must look like it has retired.

...is having a baby.

Do that now, 'cause nobody's...

I don't know what to do, it's uncomfortable right now.

Hang on, Robby. Why are you not doing it, Robby?

-I've done it already. -Robby, rub your perineum.

Robby, please, if you're not gonna rub your perineum,

there's no point of Tumi being up there.

-Rub your perineum. -Robby.

What's Robby doing there? What's happening?

So now what you need to do, guys, is remember, when you give birth,

it's very important to remember you don't just give birth to a baby,

it's a beautiful moment, you give birth to three things.

This I know is funny because it is stupid.

Remember, stupid works.

So, the first thing you give birth to is the poop.

Now comes the pièce de résistance.

This birth is becoming a kak situation.

So, you can jiggle the baby out.

You can sometimes just jimmy it out, and then there's the thing.

These things are resilient as fuck. You're like, "She dropped the baby."

-They survive. I have three. -She kicked it.

But wait for it.

My chosen method of labor for this baby...

Yep.

...actually, is to just fucking remove it.

She's not pregnant!

I knew it!

Even for people who knew I'm not pregnant,

there was a surprise because they were going,

"How long are you gonna keep this?

"Is your plan to be a pregnant character throughout?"

-Round of applause, commitment. -Well done.

To stick to your guns and not break

where everybody's interrogating you time and time and time again.

That deserves... Tumi...

Round of applause.

I'm sorry, I really believed her.

This thing is heavy. Oh, my gosh, but I'm free now.

Let's play.

Oh, no it was me.

That was a sex ed lesson we didn't know we'd get.

Okay. Well...

That was amazing.

It was a labor of love.

It means that I'm back

because we're here to celebrate the birth of a new smile.

Full-blown!

Full-blown!

So guilty, so guilty.

-You tried, Robby. -Long time coming.

You're now the proud father of a yellow card.

It's so cute, Robby, it's such a cute yellow.

Well done, congratulations. Nice one, Tumi.

-Thank you. -Very nice, Tumi.

Robby takes his first yellow card home to raise as his own.

They say it takes a village of comedians trapped in a house

where they can't laugh to raise a child.

Glen looks like this laughter's about him.

I think we, as comedians, need to get...

Let's not call them non-comedians, let's call them funny people,

out of the house so there's some sort of camaraderie.

If somebody's corpsing, you must promise each other

we're all gonna turn our focus, attack and keep going.

If somebody's on the verge, work them. We keep letting people off the hook.

Jason wants to win.

You can see the way he's playing the game.

He wants to win.

Everyone knows that, "We're the funny people,

"we gonna make everyone laugh, we're gonna last the longest."

Are you? No, you're not.

So, I've got a point to prove.

Nice.

Can you guys please join me?

I'm the director,

what they're doing is a little play that I created.

I'm sharing this moment with all of you.

Obviously, I'm directing and producing.

But this particular piece is dear to my heart.

It's called Indunu the Bum.

And it tells a beautiful story of a man called Jason.

I wrote it with you in mind, actually.

I mean, I have a bum.

Okay, this is gonna be interesting.

So, in the story, Jason, your character,

and I really want you to get lost in it for me, all right?

Your character has lost his asshole.

Yes, okay, I'm with you.

He hasn't seen it in about three years, so as you can imagine, full of shit.

The lead is looking for asshole. Like, really?

So good.

But just when he thinks it's over, he meets the love of his life.

Mason.

I mean, why?

Why would you have one character who's playing himself,

then Robby playing Mason.

And someone who had...

Someone who had lost their asshole.

Choosing my crew is as important as choosing my cast members.

-Glen, I need a cam op, please, my love. -Yeah, certainly.

I'm gonna find the shortest person in the house to be the boom swinger.

I'm gonna need Nomzamo, please, my love.

Because then the boom will be in everyone's faces

and, of course, in the shot.

So, this is your boom.

You're really good.

Of course, this is

not a normal boom.

All right, and then I need one more.

You have zero television experience, yeah?

Okay.

So, you know, most people, this is where they start.

So, you're gonna do the slate. While we set ourselves up...

I saw her reaction the first time that penis came out.

Don't know if that's how she always reacts to them, but...

Testing, testing, testing.

I feel myself breaking,

and I don't feel like I have a way out.

Could you come a little closer, just so I can see my shot?

I'm just getting a bit of ball hair.

All right, guys, remember,

-it's been three very horrible years... -Three years.

-Okay. -...of no asshole.

-Nomzamo's... Look, Nomzamo's... -Here we go.

And sound, please, my love.

Why is my boom flying in the air? Nomzamo.

Nomzamo, why is my boom...

Fuck you, Thando!

Everybody participate.

I didn't laugh.

Participate, participate

Robby kept eating.

Then what?

Are we allowed to scream at people's faces?

You can do whatever you like that doesn't harm another person.

-It was harmful. -I'm so sorry.

It was wonderful to watch.

I hope we get to see the end of it.

In the meantime, though, let's take a moment

to enjoy this stellar performance.

-You assaulted me. -"Fuck you!"

You know what card you're on, right? Goodbye.

'Cause you were screaming at me, you wanted me to be eliminated.

I did that, but that's my job.

Do we get...

It did exactly what it was meant to do.

Get outta here.

-Well done. -No!

Trevor, I deserved better.

I deserved better.

I'm very sour.

About the fact that you smiled?

Trevor, I didn't deserve that.

I was asked to hold a penis for a boom.

Ah, guys, I'm not okay, but whatever.

I suppose it's a life lesson.

Stay away from the D.

And just like that, boom!

Taken out by a boom, a sound boom.

Well, not quite a sound boom.

I digress, and so it's a red card for the starlet.

Nomzamo laughed while she was holding this.

And this how she went out, with a penis over her head.

It's like Barney the dick.

-Yeah. Barney is a dicky. -Jesus Christ.

Thank God you said this now!

Poor Barney. Who does that to a dinosaur?

Okay.

Another one bites the dust.

Let's get the game going.

Oh, no! Oh, no.

Okay, guys, Celeste Ntuli, darling.

Come through, get hired, make some money.

-Of course. -Okay.

-What's that? -Why can't I just do my production?

Hello?

-Lasizwe, could I please speak to Celeste? -Why you wanna speak to Celeste?

Just give Celeste the phone.

Cool. Celeste.

Hello.

-Hi, Celeste. -Hello.

Please, could you ask Glen to come to the phone?

-Glen! -Yes?

Sorry, I'll be with you in a second.

Yes?

Hello?

-Hello, Glen. Long time. -Hi.

-How's it going? -Going well.

-Fine. -So,

you will be participating in a solo game called "Puppet Master."

Okay.

You'll be stepping into the room behind you,

you will be outfitted with an earpiece.

Upon receiving the earpiece,

you will then repeat everything that you hear in that said piece.

-Does this make sense? -Yes, it makes sense.

Also, you will put your hand over your ear

to make it seem like you're casually thinking about what you're doing

to try and obfuscate the fact that you have an earpiece.

Good word.

-Thank you, Glen. -Pleasure.

Thanks a lot. All the best now.

-I love this guy. -He's just a genius.

-I love him. -Bloody hell.

He's the biggest trouble there.

That's fine, I'm gonna run the camera. I can't work like this.

Can we get the slate up, please?

-Call the board. -Call the board.

This mic is yours.

Oh, my God. Please fire him.

Take one, scene one. Indunu the Bum.

-Indunu the Bum. -You're reading it wrong.

-What am I supposed to say? -Please go take a seat.

You know, what I love is that Lasizwe

feels more committed to the characters that Lasizwe is...

-One hundred percent. -...than anything happening in the room.

-Sit. -Sit your Indunu the Bum.

-Lasizwe, do you wanna take my role? -No!

Can everyone shut up?

We're ready, let's go.

Indunu the Bum, take one, scene one,

director Thando Thabethe, mark it.

All right, and action.

-What's happening, babe? -Mason, you won't understand.

You know I was as thin as you three years ago,

but every meal I had is now inside me!

-I don't think I'm needed for this one. -Sorry.

Excuse me, just pause. Keep it there.

Glen, just confirming that you can hear me.

Thumbs up if you can, nicely done.

It's at this point, Mason, that you spot his anus.

Going forward, everything I say will come out of your mouth.

Thumbs up if you understand.

All right, let's get into it.

You're doing amazing. I think just up the ante.

Thando, I don't think this is working.

Thando, I don't think this is working.

Okay, you're fired.

I don't think you can fire me. I'm a white man.

I don't think you can fire me because I'm a white man.

Should we sing the anthem again?

I thought it was gonna help me,

and then I realized that it was actually to get me out.

It was terrifying.

-You're taking it the wrong way. -You're taking it the wrong way.

-This is not racial. -This is not racial.

Is it 'cause you don't have an asshole?

This is me just explaining to you that your movie thing does not work.

Also, Jason was bad casting.

Jason was very bad casting.

How was I bad casting?

-Because, Jason, you know. -Because, Jason, you know.

You can't act like you don't have an asshole when you are one.

You can't act like you don't have an asshole

when you are one.

Really?

Thando, I think we can all agree that it's over.

-It's all finished. -Mason, let's try again.

-I know you haven't had... -How am I the only one not getting fired?

For the first time in your life...

No, please put my camera down.

Tumi, I like what you've done with your hair.

Thanks, friend.

It's a pleasure.

I don't know what Glen is doing, but I'm not letting him do it.

Are we set?

I've never seen a purple penis.

I've never seen a purple penis.

Glen, it's a very emotional scene.

All right, and action.

The worst part about losing it is I had a kak before I lost it,

and I can't find it.

I keep coming back here, this place in my dreams,

and I don't know if it means that my asshole is close.

That's why, Mason, use your senses, use your nose.

Please, can you screw it back on?

Come on.

Okay, that's how you're screwing it on.

Penetration, penetration.

How's he penetrating him when there's stuff trying to go out?

And cut.

I think Thando is gonna be a great director one day.

And today, I learned that she's batshit crazy.

"You lost your asshole years ago."

We hear this amazing, intelligent, beautiful woman on radio every single day,

but she crazy.

From your imagination.

Lasizwe, want something from the kitchen?

No, it's okay.

Do you want me help you retie that bandanna?

Because it feels like it's slipping down, and your nipples are popping out.

I think you should do that.

-Don't you wanna suck my dick? -Okay.

Stand in front of me, Lasizwe.

Come stand in front of me, Lasizwe.

-Don't worry, I got you. -That's right, Lasizwe.

That's right, Lasizwe.

Back it up like a taxi driver who's parking it.

Back it up like a taxi driver who's parking it.

They're canning themselves,

and I'm hearing Trevor Noah laughing in my ear

and trying to keep a straight face at that time.

Trevor is giving him the most bizarre and macabre instructions.

Jason, please don't touch me like that. I'm horny.

What?

He is not flinching at all.

Fuck.

Trevor's also not backing down.

Glen, go to the kitchen and grab the atchar, please.

Oh, shit.

Grab the atchar. Open it.

You're gonna walk towards Jason,

you're gonna grab some atchar and put it in your mouth with your hands.

Jason, the next time you touch me, this is what's gonna happen to you.

Yes. Let's see how much you can do.

Everybody, Glen's eating atchar.

Go, Glen, go!

Come on, Glen. Go, Glen, go

In my head, I'm thinking,

"This poor little white boy is about to learn a very hard lesson in life."

Lick your fingers at everyone. Lick them aggressively.

Go, Glen, go! Go, Glen, go! Go, Glen, go!

Come on, participate.

Go, Glen, go!

Come on, Glen. Do you want a spoon?

You look like the baby from Soshanguve.

No offense to atchar lovers,

but fuck me, that was

the most horrific thing I've ever tasted in my life.

Walk around with the bottle,

and just keep licking your fingers at everyone.

I'm a baby from Soshanguve.

I'm so proud of you. Don't touch me.

-Don't touch me, I'm proud of you. -Touch me.

Don't touch me.

Glen is, right now, bothering us.

It's past comedy.

I feel like right now there's more concern.

Say, "Robby, don't act like you don't know it's a Durban thing."

Robby, don't act like you don't know this is a Durban thing.

-This is not funny, it's disgusting. -This is a Durban thing?

Yuck.

Say, "Celeste, you know this is Durban."

You know this is Durban.

-What is? -This.

-What? My fingers. -What? My fingers are Durban.

-"Look at these knees," shake them. -Look at these knees.

What's going on here?

I feel like he's glitching. Like, he's literally glitching.

I think we've lost Glen.

-You can't break me, never will. -You can't break me, never will.

-None of you will. -None of you will.

-I'm like Celeste at a funeral. -I'm like Celeste at a funeral.

What is...

Yo, my man, the stains and stuff.

Yeah, and that's it.

This is the first time I've thought about

what family members are gonna think of this show.

Can you please not sit on the comfortable couch?

Are comedians just gross people?

All of us here, our minds need holy water.

So much dick, so much shit,

so much atchar.

Hi, everyone.

Let's go, it's game on.

We gonna laugh, we gonna laugh

I'm glad that fucking conversation is over.

It's madness.

It's solitary confinement, but you're not on your own.

It's rough out here.

Oh, shit.

The weirdest things make people smile.

You wanna hit a six with every single ball.

Oh, my God.

It's how you lick, boy.

If it's not working, get out, you're wasting time.

Time's up.

Hey, what's going on, everybody?

So, do you wanna hear the greatest story ever told about me?

Well, if you do, all you need to do is click on the X-Ray button on the web

or on your mobile device.

And, yeah, when I say the greatest story,

I mean the greatest story ever told.