Original subtitles

Let's go.

Who's ready to see some magic?

You're asking me to make them laugh, but not laugh.

You smell my fart and I really jam

I must get some kills as well.

I'm struggling to keep it together.

That's a dope twerk.

-Put your pinky in there. -I don't wanna do that.

You're scared of mints?

Did you see that?

No!

A smile took place.

Someone's getting a card.

Trevor Noah is coming.

So, if I'm here,

it means that a smile was also here.

Somebody smiled.

We saw them.

What if you were passing gas?

Is it them, or do they identify as them?

-It doesn't matter. -Let's just find out who it is.

-Let's see who it was. -This guy's proven me wrong every time.

Prove me wrong.

Oh, no. What are you doing?

When was this happening?

No!

And she's laughing at herself. Your own joke.

I don't know how it started. I just remember being on the couch.

And I loved the position, and it actually moved nice.

So then I was, you know, I was entertaining myself.

I think that's something that happens when you wank a lot.

You're used to just self-satisfying,

and it just was not the place.

Can I just say to everybody else here,

may your departure be as momentous

as what we just witnessed.

Please.

You stayed true to yourself till the end, my sister.

-Moonchild. -Till the end. Till the end.

We never expected it.

Never esperer it.

You have 12 seconds to say goodbye,

-then you will join me. -Fuck your life, mate.

She's like...

I left with a bang. Like, that's, like, history, you know?

But I should know in future

to stay away from everything that I actually love doing,

because the joy gets written in my face.

The first red.

-Big Robby! -We're gonna miss you.

-I'm gonna hunger strike, yeah. -No!

We gotta start taking this seriously because the stakes

have gone up and the game is real.

I realized that it was time for me to take this very seriously.

With that, Moonchild gloriously twerked her way out of the game

and into the history books as the first-ever cast member

to be eliminated on Last One Laughing: South Africa.

So far, Nomzamo, Tumi and Mojak all have yellow cards.

Come and sit.

Oh, my Lord.

What a way to go out, girl. What a way to go out.

The two things that are things I love.

What the hell? I didn't think I was gonna do that.

What a way to go out.

Now you get to enjoy, you get to enjoy with me.

One, two, three.

Let's go.

-Okay. One contestant out. -Okay.

Let's get the game going.

Here we go.

I'm hungry.

Are you not?

-I want something salty. -Do you want boerewors rolls?

Does this work? Yes, it works.

-I'll make us boerewors rolls. -Okay.

Are you gonna make boerewors rolls?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Please?

Have you ever heard a dog smell like this?

-Yeah, and then you can smell it. -Yes. Smell.

You're really good.

-How'd you do that? -With my nose.

I thought you were gonna lick me as well.

-All you're expecting now is a wet... -Yeah.

-No. -Okay.

-You hear that ringin'? -Fucking too close, bro.

How do you do that?

It's actually with my mouth.

What the heck kind of chicken is that?

-Is that a chicken driving a truck? -That's a chicken?

-Driving a truck? -No.

Chicken is...

No.

It wouldn't be South Africa if we didn't make animal sounds, I guess.

There was an animated film about these bulls and cows.

-Yeah. -But the bulls had udders, I was like...

-Others? -Udders.

-Other what? -Others?

-Udders. -Other who?

-Not funny. -Okay. Yeah.

-Look. Look, right? -So, I was like, how do the...

Why does the bull have udders and how did nobody question that film? It's a bull.

It shouldn't have tatas that you can milk.

-Dust? -So it's like a...

-It's like moobs. -Does the bull... Did you say "dust"?

-Tatas. -Tata.

-Tata. Udders. -Like little Mandelas.

-That's funny. -That's hilarious.

-Nearly there. -That's funny.

-You're fucking me up a bit. -I know. My poison's banter.

-So bulls have others? -I don't wanna talk to you.

-I'm leaving. -Ask what she does for a living.

-What do you do? -Leave me alone.

I've milked other things.

How very dare you go for me, bruh?

Feels like we've been in the house for 30 hours.

We need, not an intervention, we need an actual miracle.

We need a light to shine from the stars and bread to fall from the sky.

It needs to get biblical now.

I think you got her, dude. I think...

You are so lucky.

Hey.

Nice!

-I've been looking for boerewors... -I want you to get back.

-Oh, my God. -My word.

-Do we have to look? -That is funny.

My name is Not-Thaniel

Come with me I'll give you a thrill

Look into my lovely brown eye

And you will see your future

Name is Not-Thaniel

Saving a life is not for me

Do you want

Do you want to pomp?

-Haibo. -It's a bum.

Not-Thaniel.

I've always been a fan of that legendary South African character.

You know, a character that looks like they can put on lipstick,

bake a cake and stand and pee.

I can't explain it better than that.

Thank you, everybody. Welcome.

I would have great honor if you can please join us

for the live recording of my new show,

which will be airing exclusively on this channel.

Please, Somizi, if we can have you a little bit closer.

My goodness!

Thando, if you could please make your way just a little bit closer.

Everybody take your seats. To those of us that have joined us again,

welcome back to another episode of your favorite dating show.

-Yes. -Where I get to speed date

members of the audience,

hoping that one of you would love to...

-...Pomp Not-Thaniel. -Yeah!

Not-Thaniel is everything, 'cause I actually love Championship Boerewors

ever since Not-Thaniel up from his youth, I literally, that's the, like...

Because of him.

One at a time, I will call you up.

You will take your seat.

At the end, of the three of you that will be selected,

I will be able to select you by handing you my wors.

You will be able to do with this wors what you please.

You will be able to stretch it, squeeze it,

fry it, braai it,

for goodness sake, even if you would like to naai it.

Jason, no.

Jason killed it. I even said, please, dude. I just said.

I didn't know he's that good. Not-Thaniel.

Not... What was it? Said, "Not-Thaniel."

Okay, first up, ladies and gentlemen,

one of the most eligible comedians in South of Africa.

Please welcome the beautiful...

Sorry, please welcome the once-beautiful...

Oh, goodness.

...Tumi Morake.

-A round of applause. Come. -That's funny.

-You were right. -Come, Tumi. Have a seat here.

I'm in such trouble.

I'm in such trouble. Not Not-Thaniel.

Oh, my gosh, this is...

Oh, my God, this is my favorite character that Jason does.

Tumi, I think that my love interest stems from the fact

that I don't have to impregnate you.

-You come as a package deal. -Yeah.

My only question, Tumi, is should we get together,

can I have a picture of the father, so I know what I'm raising?

And more importantly than that,

do your other children also have to come?

That's funny.

That is some funny shit.

He's very happy right now. I feel like it's more for him.

He loves this character. You can see he's in it.

He's almost too committed.

Okay, Tumi, you are a contestant,

but unfortunately, your time in the chair has ended.

You will not pomp Not-Thaniel. Round of applause.

Tumi Morake, thank you very much.

Coming up next, please welcome former superstar and supermodel,

the amazing Celeste Ntuli.

Round of... Hurry up, Celeste.

Hurry up, Celeste. We are waiting.

Now that I see you up close, the maths of our bodies won't work.

You can now go sit, it's okay. I don't wanna waste your time,

because we won't get my wors through the goalpost.

It will be stuck halfway, Celeste. It will be stuck.

There's not a man in this room that could reach that goalpost.

Jesus, Nomzamo doesn't know what to do. Glen doesn't know what to do.

Coming up next with a massive round of applause...

Ladies and gentlemen.

South Africa's favorite bachelor,

Robby Collins.

Come on, Robby, I'm looking very much forward to you being here with me.

Suck that face in, Nomzamo.

Swallow it.

Just swallow your smile.

Robby, I don't know when last you were out with such a juicy wors,

but if you don't mind wearing it,

and just so I can get an idea for how adventurous you are,

please place the wors somewhere over your person,

but be natural about it, thank you.

-Natural. You gotta be natural, Robby. -Yes.

Robby, if you don't mind, the people will clap.

You just quickly model it here for us.

Thank you, Robby. Clap the model that is Robby Collins.

Robby, I love it. I'm really... I'm very happy.

I'm very happy, Robby.

Twerk number 11.

I'm sitting there just trying to hold in the laughter,

but I think what I'm truly feeling is just admiration.

I wanna be Not-Thaniel.

You, Robby. A round of applause for the winner.

Robby Collins, everybody, thank you.

-Thank you. -Robby, if you can just stand here,

and, Glen, I know that you did that online course,

-if you could just officiate the ceremony. -Absolutely.

I don't have wors without marriage.

Robbie, if you could please put it over your neck.

We will now join our worses to complete the circle of love,

never again allowing any imposters or outsiders to come between us.

Our love'll be joined by various portions, normally 30% pork, 70% beef.

And if it comes from Grabouw, it does have a little bit of fat.

-Yeah. -As a person who struggles with fat,

I really love that, at this opportunity, you can see that fat is good for wors,

because it supplies lubrication to the pan.

Robby, if you can join the circle.

Glen, we'll repeat after you.

It's through sickness and in health...

I can't remember them now. I've never remembered them.

Don't know what they are.

But when you're in that madhouse, you can't remember anything.

We've come together...

Yes, "We've come here together."

...to witness the holy matrimony...

"To witness the holy matrimony."

-...of Rob van Vuuren and Robby Collins. -Of...

Sorry. Of Nathaniel. Nathaniel.

"Not-Thaniel," please. My name is Not-Thaniel.

-Not-Thaniel and Robby Collins. -Thank you.

-And without any further ado... -I need to stand up.

-Sorry, Lasizwe, this is quite serious. -Let's focus. Let's do it.

Lasizwe, can you sit down because you're effectively the BEE version of me.

You've been stealing my jokes and I've been quiet about it.

Because you were born with natural genetics

that your body doesn't attach itself to carbohydrates,

now I find myself here, and you again,

with your thinness and your six-pack, are disturbing us.

Now you're gonna blame Noma Trkiki.

This is good. This is really good.

He is committing.

You may now kiss each other's wors.

Thank you.

Robby, open mouth.

Goodness!

I like what you've done with the coriander.

It adds a very nice surprise behind the onion.

Most people would have gone for garam masala,

but I love that you braised the garlic, I can taste it.

Ladies and gentlemen, proudly introducing for the first time in public,

Robby Goliath Thaniel and his loving partner, me.

Round of applause. Thank you.

-Wonderful, Not-Thaniel. -Thank you.

Well done. That was amazing.

I've got wors around me, and I'm getting married.

It's just a lot of stuff happening right now.

Don't know how I'm gonna deal with this.

If that's the wedding, I don't wanna be at the reception.

I'm not looking, I'm not looking.

So, I've just put together this incredible outfit.

I've put on my hat,

this really cool coat.

When I get my tray from backstage, I hit the gong, you know,

we do a little bit of misdirection.

It's performance time!

The curtain opens but I walk out through the other barn doors

and I decide that what I'm going to do

is be in everybody's face.

Do you like magic? Don't answer, adults always say no.

"Fuck off." All right. Let's go.

I'm gonna use intimacy to get them to break.

I'm going to be very awkward.

Think of a number, think.

Think of a number, think.

You're correct. That's fuckin' right.

That's the right number. That's exactly...

Shit.

Sleight of hand. Card tricks. Here we go. All right.

I want you to take a card. Take any fuckin' card, any card.

There we go. That's...

Show it to everyone. I'm not gonna look.

I'm not gonna...

There we go.

In the deck. Shit. Shit!

Is this your card?

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

-Oh, my word. -Damn.

How'd he know that?

Make it stop. It's bad. Don't do it again.

Another one? All right.

Yes, yes, yes!

Give us another one Just like the other one

-Come on, Mojak, do it again. -Focus.

Do you see this card?

-Match? See it. -Why did you look, Mojak?

Why did I look?

Yeah, I saw you look at the card. Are you supposed to look in the trick?

Guys, we can't disturb the show.

What? No, certainly...

Sorry, Nomza.

Remember, Trevor Noah's watching.

It's going badly, I'm not gonna lie. I'm aware of it.

But I have to get something right.

All right, okay, three card monte. I mean, three...

-Three card monte? -Three cup monte.

-It's my first day. -Three cup?

-Oh, God. -I don't even know the...

-First day? -First day.

You couldn't rehearse before?

Scheduling was tight. I need a...

Can I get a volunteer? Anyone volunteer?

-Yeah! -Thank you.

-Glen. -Yes?

-No one's volunteering. -No, I'm happy to volunteer.

-Your name? -My name is Glen.

-Your name is Glen? -Yes.

Do I wanna do this? He's dangerous.

Let's just get in there.

-Do you always speak like, "I'm Glen"? -No.

He's in on it. He's in.

Be a dinosaur.

Be a Black dinosaur.

That is difficult.

It was a trap, Glen. Well done. It was a trap. Appropriation.

-Thank you. -Well done.

Did you see that?

-Hey. -Learned it.

Hey.

-You bet. Yeah. -This motherfucker learned it.

You caused big kak here, Mojak. Yeah. Fuck.

I don't know if that was magic, but, yeah.

I zoned out,

because I just had to get over what had just happened on stage.

I don't know what's funny about a Black dinosaur.

There's nothing funny right now, thinking about it,

because I don't know what it would be, because dinosaurs don't have colors.

That was lovely.

Performances, very intense, very intense.

-Some still happening, apparently. -Yes.

-Mojak. Well done, man. -Yes?

-It was nice to see. -It was a nice performance.

Give yourself more credit.

-No. -How does that work?

-It was nice. -I'm nervous.

I'm just nervous.

-Something happened... -I'm nervous.

Something happened.

Because you didn't do anything here, but...

I was getting there.

I mean, nothing disappeared,

but a good magician made something appear, which was a smile, so...

-Who? -You know?

-So... -It went the other way round, so,

let's watch the offending moment.

Celeste, I'm so happy that my wors to your face made you happy.

When was that?

-It was the Black dinosaur. -The Black dinosaur finished her.

Yeah, I know.

-Sorry I was done. -Who said that?

-Mojak. -Mojak.

Black dinosaur.

Celeste. Yellow card.

This is crazy, but it taught me a lesson, that yellow card.

Now on, no laughs.

The dinosaur might be long extinct,

but it still has the power to wipe someone out here.

Celeste joins Nomzamo, Tumi and Mojak, all with yellow cards.

That was my least favorite magic show of all time.

Jason and Lasizwe have got something there.

I'm trying to join in that sausage. I feel like it's working.

Let's get it going.

Can we please clean up?

Yeah, it's giving anxiety.

Glen?

Hello, my darling.

It's time to clean up.

That's a lot, but I can do it for you.

Is there a dustbin anywhere?

There is a dustbin over there.

You're not doing it for me.

-With you. -No, no, no, it's your job.

-Have you forgotten? -Right, of course.

-Need me to do a little clean-up? -Yes.

Clean up on aisle seven.

I don't understand it.

What the fuck? I don't understand, Gogo, look like, I'm crazy,

and you're looking at me. And I'm thinking about it.

Gogo, like, I don't understand why you're here.

I'm here in this game and you're alone.

So, now I have invisible Gogo, which is aka Granny,

so I'm like, you know what, this is gonna be my gag,

this is gonna be my distraction, and I wanna see how,

if someone tries to throw a joke, how I'm gonna use Granny to protect it.

I thought of doing these in the voice of, like, Antonio Banderas

from Shrek. Like Donkey.

Yeah.

What is Robby planning to do here?

What did the evil chicken lay?

-Deviled eggs. -Yes.

I was just... I feel like the test worked.

-I feel like your face told me everything. -No, dude.

Your face told me everything I need to know.

Looks like he could be in a boy band or a preacher.

-Or an R&B Karate Kid. -Maybe.

Hey.

Thought we were supposed to go back...

Thando, I'm famished.

Yeah, we are cooking.

Listen, did you see...

Sorry. I'm so sorry about that. I had that up my nose for a very long time.

Sorry, that was up my nose for a very long time.

-Was it sat there? -Yeah, that was there since about '94.

-A shmallow, bro. -Yep, a shmallow, shmallow.

-We're cooking with shmallows! -We're cooking.

-Cut it into little... -Welcome to our cooking show,

-Cooking with Shmallows! -With shmallows. We cook with a shmallow.

Can we please add some cucumber or as they call it in Afrikaans, Komkommer?

-There you go. Right here. -It's not a cucumber, it's a Komkommer.

Komkommer.

-You all still in the show? -You're on the show.

-You're on the show. -She's a guest.

Okay, welcome to...

What's it called again?

-Cooking with Shmallows. -Cooking with Shmallows.

Time to eat.

I think that's the whole show done.

-That is done. -Yeah.

Guys, do you think...

So, I mean, how do I know if a wors is ripe?

-Done. If it's done. If it's ripe. -If it's ready to be eaten?

-You pick it off the tree. Off the tree. -Right off the tree.

Are they actually gonna eat that wors?

-Is there real wors there? -There's wors cooking in that pot.

But it's been cooking, eh?

Boerewors is just one of the words you're going to learn.

To whoever's watching, it's a thing.

But why are you cleaning up before we eat?

Thando, can I just take a wors and put it in a roll for myself, klap,

-or are you doing a thing? -You're not eating with us?

I'm hungry now.

-You can have some wors. -Let's be patient.

Tumi...

-Please, man. -'Cause you're eating for two.

Honestly, we've put a whole thing for you here, Tumi. Really. I mean...

Lasizwe, I feel like you're on a different show.

What?

Glen and I notice Lasizwe standing next to a walker

and holding a random piece of boerewors, so...

And we interrogate him. We ask him what's going on?

-I feel like you're on a different show. -What?

-Just like a different... -Gogo.

-A different show. -A different show.

Okay, Gogo.

You're talking to your imaginary Gogo?

-No. -A real Gogo?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Are you sure?

Are we okay?

-Are we okay? -No, no, no, are you okay?

I'm so sorry. You're asking us...

-You don't see this? -...if we...

Don't gaslight me.

-Okay. -No, and that's on period.

-This is awkward. -Okay. It's like, really?

-Getting weird. -Getting really...

-It's getting very weird, yeah. -Okay. Okay.

Can you believe the nerve of this young man,

talking to an invisible grandmother, and accusing Glen and I of being crazy?

I was incredibly upset but also thrown off.

I was like, again, what are you doing, young person? What are you doing?

Yes.

Yes, the classic knock.

Every time I hear a gong now, it's starting to make me anxious,

because I know I'm on the precipice of laughing every time.

I know that this is when the stakes really get raised.

Like many South Africans, I, too, have been a victim of crime.

Mugging.

Insurance and cattle theft.

But today, I choose to take it into my own hands.

Karate. You were right.

The Kung Fu Guy...

I thought of that once when I was drinking with friends,

I was trying to make my friends laugh.

I knew all those drunken nights I've had in my life was working towards something.

Today, I won't be needing any volunteers,

for your own safety.

I know Robert.

I know his stand-up.

I know how he sometimes uses his physicality,

and I know that this is gonna be the hardest test

that I've faced in the whole show.

Some of you guys must be thinking,

"You know, why a wheelie-bin?"

Let me answer your question with a question that's much better

than your stupid question.

How can you expect to defend yourself against a person

if you can't defend yourself against a wheelie-bin?

Oh, my.

It's about using this

as well as using these.

Just take it in. Yes, I know.

I am better than all of you.

Taller than you.

Better looking than you.

I have a good relationship with both my parents, Tumi.

-Stop it. -Too soon.

That reminds me of my childhood.

You remind me of my auntie from my childhood.

Yes, you spoke first.

Sheer genius.

Committed. There's a story to the entire thing.

I don't know what Mojak is doing right now,

but I feel like he's trying his hardest to not laugh.

Say you and your girlfriend or your boyfriend

or any gender you choose to fall in love with...

Say you're just out getting some ice cream.

Mojak, I don't know what you're doing.

I know you're thinking I don't look gangster right now with ice cream.

I'm at a default, 'cause nobody looks gangster eating ice cream.

Mojak is weak. Mojak is a weakling.

All I heard Mojak do is go...

The whole time. I'm just like, motherfucker, get it together.

I know, Celeste, right now, you're going crazy.

You're wet. You're wet from this ice cream.

Mojak looks like he's in pain right now.

At any given moment, this guy could go, "Psych!"

So, this guy sees me, and he thinks that I don't have a weapon,

but because I am kung-fully trained...

Somebody's gonna break.

Can feel somebody's gonna break in the room.

This ice cream is not just any vanilla ice cream.

It is a weapon in the eyes.

Oh, my.

That's smart.

So, right now, I'm just gonna go all the way.

Scenario number two.

I am at a coffee shop,

minding my own business, trying to send a CV through.

I'm fighting with every sinew in my body,

the desire to want to laugh.

I don't think Mojak is gonna survive this one.

When I get an e-mail,

saying that somebody is trying to hack my account, what do I do?

Yes.

At ease.

He's going through pain.

Please give us the red light, 'cause Mojak is destroying me!

I look around. I see the first person on a laptop.

This is it.

Message sent!