Original subtitles

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Anytime you meet a payment ♪

♪ Good times ♪ ♪ Anytime you need a friend ♪

♪ Good times ♪ ♪ Anytime you're out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your head above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit rip-offs ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ Scratchin' and survivin' ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ Hangin' in a chow line ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪

Let's see... Let's see now.

Add a pinch of salt...

and a pinch of pepper...

and two pinches of oregano.

Aw, another pinch won't hurt.

That does it. That's Italian, huh, Mom?

That's right, baby.

Anything that gets that many pinches has got to be Italian.

- Hi, Willona. Hi, Penny. - Hi, baby.

Ooh, that sure does smell good. What you cookin'?

Instant chicken cacciatore.

- Instant? How do you do it? - First I start with a bucket of chicken.

You can't get more instant than that.

And then I Italiano it up.

How do you do that, get Frank Sinatra to punch out the chicken?

Oh, stop.

Let's see. A couple more pinches of oregano wouldn't hurt, would it?

Hey, Willona, where's Keith and Thelma?

- Are they in there "cacciatore-ing"? - Don't be funny.

Keith is looking for a job, and Thelma's filling in for me at the boutique.

Speaking of Italian, here comes Mr. Spaghetti.

Call Walter Cronkite and get the scoop,

'cause the Ebony Prince has got the poop.

Keith, Thelma, get on out of there. Come on out here.

They're not back yet. What's... Where's Ma? Ma!

You know Ma's out of town visiting her cousin.

Oh, yeah. What's the scoop?

Well, Willona, I saw this horrible accident.

J.J., did you look in the mirror again?

Michael, remember, you're the youngest.

So any good looks you inherited...

are my leftovers.

Willona, I saw this horrible accident between two cars. So what?

Michael, don't you get it? That makes me the only eyewitness...

The official "judgi frudgi."

- What happened, J.J.? - Now hold it, J.J.

I don't want Penny hearing about any vicious, gory accident.

Oh, no, Willona. It wasn't vicious or gory.

It was one of them G-rated accidents.

Something the whole family can enjoy. Oh!

All right, J.J. How did it happen?

Well, Michael, I was on Michigan Avenue...

buying some art supplies,

when my eyes espied out the window...

this lady in this big, pink Cadillac...

wants to play demolition derby with this taxicab.

First she put out her hand to make a right,

then she put out her hand to make a left.

Then she put out both hands and went through the red light.

She shouldn't even be allowed on the road.

Michael, she wasn't on the road. She was on the sidewalk.

Then she made an illegal U-turn, came around...

and nailed the cab broadside.

- Did you see who she was? - Nah, Willona. It was too dark.

Besides, I was too busy giving my name to the police,

since I'm gonna be the only non compos mentis witness.

You know, this is gonna cost the Windy City Cab Company a pretty penny,

if they want my testimony.

J.J., witnesses can't be paid.

Well, this one can.

And give me one good reason why I can't.

J.J., if you pay somebody for their

testimony, you could get them to say anything.

It's unfair, unreliable, unethical,

and it would totally destroy our whole legal system.

Michael, stop being picky.

J.J., witnesses do get reimbursed...

for loss of expenses and loss of income.

Ah! I wonder how much I can get reimbursed...

for my loss of expenses and my loss of income.

J.J., look at it this way, Brother.

You have no steady job,

your art classes don't bring you in any income,

therefore, forcing you to have no expenses.

When I add that together, you got a net of zero.

Forget about the net. Just give me the gross.

I'm lookin' at the gross.

Whoo-whee! Gramps, I need some more oregano for the chicken.

Go to the store for me? Sure thing, Willona.

Keep the change. All right. Excuse me, Brother J.

Are you spying again?

I'm not spying, man. I'm sniffing.

Mm-mmm!

You know, I've had a complaint about the

strong food smells coming from this apartment.

Oh, yeah? Who's complaining?

Me. I haven't been offered any.

Well, give your nose a cold shower.

I haven't got enough chicken cacciatore for you, honey.

Oh, come on, Ms. Woods.

Ms. Woods, you got enough food in there to feed the entire Italian Navy.

You got enough fat in there to sink the Italian Navy.

How about that? Gimme that wing. Gimme that wing.

No. Well, gimme that drumstick.

No. I need something for the trip down on the elevator.

Look at that. I'm shakin'.

I got chicken withdrawal.

I guess that's why I saw you at the Colonel's...

licking fingers that weren't yours.

Booger, when they bury you,

it's gonna be in that big bucket in the sky.

No chicken, huh? Aw, come on.

Here. Here's a wing. Take it and fly away.

Mmm! Mmm, that's delicious.

Needs a little more oregano.

♪ C'e la luna mezzo mare ♪

♪ Mamma mia... ♪♪

That's why Bookman can't lose no weight.

He eats anything that's not nailed down.

Yeah. Whenever he goes out of town,

they have to weigh him on a truck scale.

Twice he got charged for overloading.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's happening in the Little Black House on the Prairie?

It's Sweet Daddy.

What are you doing here, you overdressed peacock?

"Peacock"? Woman, please. These are my mourning clothes.

Sweet Daddy just came from a funeral.

- Oh, yeah? Whose funeral? - I don't know the sucker's name.

It was client 267.

But I do remember that he was just a little bit late with his payment,

so Sweet Daddy sent him a nice wreath saying, "R.I.P."

Oh. "Rest In Peace"? No. "Return Interest and Principal."

Now on to some other business.

Tight-lip Mary told me your mama is out of town,

so she can't be here to lay that guilt trip on me.

So, boy, you better behave while I ask you a few questions,

or else I'm gonna come down on you like gravy on grits.

Right, boys?

Wait a minute.

Sweet Daddy smells chicken.

That's unusual, coming from a turkey.

Aw, that girl can't resist me. Get your hands off me.

Girl, let me taste your chicken. Don't touch my food.

Come on. Just a little bit. Don't go in my pot.

Whoo! That's a-spicy.

That chicken done O.D.'d on oregano.

Whoo!

Well, if I knew you were gonna come by,

I would have thrown in a clove of arsenic.

Sweetheart, you don't have to be so sweet

with me now. Sweet Daddy's already spoken for.

Yeah, just like that other dummy... Charlie McCarthy.

What are you doing around here? We don't owe you any more money.

I know. The magic is gone from our relationship. Tough.

Hey, Sweets, this can't be a social visit, can it?

Oh, no? Why not, J.J.? You mean, it is?

No. Oh. I didn't think so.

But Sweet Daddy is mad, and I am very offended...

that you don't think of me as just... plain folk.

Well, Sweets, it's tough to think of some people as plain folks.

I mean, like, Jack the Ripper, Attila the Hun, Darth Vader.

Don't you be calling me no dark waiter, boy.

Hey, wait a minute. You let go of J.J.!

Ow! Ow!

Oh, my goodness. I sure hope she didn't dent a diamond.

Penny, Penny, I'm shocked at you.

Nice young ladies do not go around kicking other people.

Right on. But a pointy-headed orangutan is cool with Mama.

Move, goons.

Well. Now let's see. Where was I?

Oh, yes. J.J.

J.J., my man, I've come over here...

to test the condition of your baby-brown eyes.

Now I want you to look at this eye chart, and tell me exactly what you see.

Uh, two rubies, five emeralds...

Oh, wait a minute now. Not that.

Uh, five cute little fingers?

Right. Now watch this. Abracadabra.

Now you see this cute little fist?

It's gonna help you see better. It is?

Sure, 'cause if you don't see things right, boy, I'm gonna give you...

a root-canal job with your mouth closed.

Uh, Sweets, I don't understand. Yes, you know what I mean.

See, someone told me that you were a witness to an accident...

between a commercial conveyance and a set of private wheels, huh?

Oh, you mean, when the Caddy made an illegal U-turn and rammed the taxi?

Oh, wrong-arino, baby. Wrong-arino.

It looks like J.J.'s memory needs joggin'.

Well, maybe we ought to take this little, skinny dude's memory out in the alley...

and run it around the block a few times.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

I agree. Now come here, J.J. Let me ask you something.

Are you familiar with the moon of my delight...

I mean, the pearl that is beyond price,

the queen of the ghetto, Miss Savannah Morgan?

Oh, yeah. Savannah Morgan. Yes, I am.

Mm-hmm. Are you aware that today...

is the anniversary of her birth?

Oh, well, in that case, I'll run right out and get her a card.

That will not be necessary, J.J.,

'cause Sweet Daddy has already taken care of that.

Now, I'm gonna give you one guess what I got her.

A big, pink hog?

Movin' along. Movin' right along.

Now, can you tell me where that big, pink hog was about an hour ago?

On Michigan Avenue? Whoo!

The boy is so good. He is so good.

Now, J.J., me and you are gonna play a game, like Let's Make a Deal...

But you ain't gonna get nothin', you understand?

What you are gonna have...

You'll be able to keep a few valuable items,

like, uh, your nose on straight,

all your teeth and other vital parts of your anatomy.

- You dig me? - My total attitude is "digness," Sweets.

All right. Now let's take this accident report one more time from the top.

All right? And I'll reserve the right to just jump in...

and punch up the story... Or you... when necessary.

Hmm? Start.

Well, this big, pink Cadillac...

was wheeling down Michigan Avenue...

driven by one "the pearl of your delight,"

Miss Savannah Morgan... Go on, man.

Driving at a moderate speed,

observing all the current and future traffic laws.

When suddenly, out of the night,

a reckless taxi broadsided the Cadillac,

leaving Miss Savannah Morgan clear of all charges...

current and future.

Mm-hmm.

I'll buy that. Y'all buy that, fellas?

All right, soul brother.

Now you get to keep your teeth.

One more thing, J.J. Just one more thing.

If anybody comes around interested...

Like the police or the insurance company...

That is gonna be the story that you tell 'em, right?

Hey, but, Sweets, that ain't right.

I mean, you're putting words in my mouth.

J.J., let me tell you something. It's either that or knuckles.

Hey, hey, hey. If it ain't the legal beagle.

What's happening, Michael? You still trying to pass the bar?

Yeah, and when I do pass the bar, first thing I'm gonna do...

is put you and your hoods behind bars.

I think you're gonna like Leavenworth in the springtime.

Yeah, it is quite lovely. Very lovely. Ciao, brother.

Little jive turkey.

J.J., what did he want?

Michael, isn't it possible Sweet Daddy could just stop by for a social discussion?

J.J., the only thing Sweet Daddy wants to discuss is your money or your life.

Michael, let me explain something to you, slowly and carefully.

Butt out.

Keith, what happened to your arm, man?

Oh, just a little accident. Yeah. Would you believe it?

His first day driving a cab.

Yeah. The cab company thinks I'm responsible for the accident.

My arm won't be the only part of me that's in a sling.

Keith, what cab company do you work for?

- Windy City Cab Company. - The Windy City Cab Company?

- Keith, where did the accident occur? - On Michigan Avenue.

I was driving through this intersection when suddenly,

out of left field, you'll never guess what happened.

- I get broadsided. - By a big, pink Cadillac?

Yeah. Now, how did he know?

Just a lucky guess.

Willona, I can't believe it. J.J. saw the whole accident. Oh, that's great.

Man, you can save my job. I didn't even know I had a witness.

- J.J. said that it was all the other driver's fault. - Well, he's dead right.

Uh, do you have to use a term like "dead right"?

Keith, I'm glad to hear you're in the clear. Thank goodness.

Hey, wait a minute. Keith and J.J., since y'all related,

the court is gonna get suspicious, so you better not let it sound...

like you put your heads together to come up with a story.

- Keith, what are you gonna say? - That I was broadsided by this big, pink car.

And, J.J., you just better not use the same words.

No. I'll say, "This taxi broadsided this big, pink Cadillac."

That way they won't think we put our heads together.

Are you crazy? He must be.

J.J., I'm beginning to suspect you don't have a head.

Your neck is just blowing a bubble.

Keith, Keith.

J.J., look. Why are you suddenly acting so dumb?

Five minutes ago, you said it was clearly the woman's fault.

Well, I don't know, Willona. I haven't been seeing that well lately.

You know, I have been getting kind of nearsighted.

I don't know what it is. You know what I mean, Thelma?

Nice try, fool.

See, I know what your problem is, J.J.

See, you were an incubator baby, and they turned the heat up to broil.

If you don't testify for him he's gonna lose his job,

and it's gonna go down on his record.

Come on now. Don't worry. There's plenty of other cab companies.

Keith'll get another job.

Oh, you know something? You are a real rat...

A real double-crossing snake.

Well, at least I got two friends left.

J.J., not only are you a rat and a snake,

but you can't count, Brother.

Willona? You're battin' zero, honey.

Now why are you changing your story, J.J.? Why?

Oh, come on, Willona. Get off of my case.

I mean, it actually could have been Keith's fault...

as well as Savannah's.

- J.J., did you say "Savannah"? - Uh, I said, "Havana."

Like in "cigar."

Oh, no, you didn't, turkey.

I heard you. You said "Savannah."

Why would I say "Savannah"? That's in Georgia.

They don't make cigars there.

J.J., stop stalling.

Everybody knows that Sweet Daddy's main lady is Savannah Morgan.

She was driving that Cadillac, wasn't she?

So you changed your mind because Sweet Daddy threatened you, right?

Sweet Daddy threaten me?

Nobody threatens me.

'Cause see, I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

And if you don't tell it right, you gonna have to answer to me.

Aw, come on, J.J. Don't be frightened, man.

Sweet Daddy's gonna protect you.

All you got to do is say the right thing...

when the man from the insurance company...

comes here to take your testimony. What man?

- Evans residence? - That man.

I'm Mr. Miller. I represent the Windy City Cab Company. My stenographer.

Pleased to meet you, man. Why don't you have a seat?

And here, sweetheart, let Sweet Daddy take this for you.

Who is James Evans Jr.?

He is.

Now, let's get on with all of this accident testimony...

while it's still fresh in my man's mind.

What are you doing here, you demented rainbow?

Boy, you out of order.

Sergeants at arms, come over here and subdue this loudmouth with a fat lip.

Wait a minute now. Intimidating a witness is a criminal offense.

Aw, shucks. Go ahead, fellas. Back off.

Mr. Miller, you may proceed.

Thank you.

As you know, this deposition is a statement under oath to be used in court.

- Perjury... - That's right, J.J.

Perjury is punishable by one to five years in jail,

with a fine not to exceed $5,000.

- Very good. - Thank you.

Mr. James Evans Jr., please come forward.

Oh! I just remembered... I'm double parked.

Come here, boy. You ain't got no car.

Oh, my God! They must've towed it.

Mr. Evans, this won't take long.

One to five years in the slammer.

Or one to five years in a coma. Get over there.

Kindly raise your right hand.

The other right hand.

Oh. It seems to be asleep.

Yo, J.J.!

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help you God?

Uh, yes.

Well, it was a cold and rainy night.

The wind was whistling,

the dogs were howling,

and the rain was pitter-pattering wet.

And all of a sudden...

Yes, yes. Now, please, Mr. Evans.

Just the facts of the accident you witnessed...

involving Mr. Keith Anderson...

and a Miss, uh, Savannah Morgan.

Savannah Morgan?

She was driving the car?

Oh, uh-huh. Now I see why you're here.

Keith, do you see? Savannah Morgan is his lady.

That's how they got J.J. to change his story. Oh, now I see.

Excuse me. Can I speak to the witness for a second?

Now look, J.J. I've been easy on you one time.

Don't expect Sweet Daddy to go through...

no type of rerun of my humble act, you understand?

Now, if you don't say the right thing,

I'm gonna come down on you three different ways...

Long, hard, brother, and frequent.

Mr. Miller, you may reiterate the last question.

Mr. Evans, are you ready to make a statement?

Yes, he is.

Well, this big, pink Caddy...

driven by one Miss Savannah Morgan,

was wheeling down Michigan Avenue.

On the night in question, she was driving so bad,

it would set the National Safety Council back 20 years.

It was all Savannah's fault.

- All right! - Wait, wait, wait.

Wait just a minute. Is that all you're gonna say to the man?

Er, uh... uh,

I just regret that I have but one body to give for my family.

- Right on. Right on. - Well, it's a skinny body, brother...

Very skinny... But it's gonna have to do.

My goodness. Two funerals in the same week.

Fellas, let's get this sucker.

So there you are, you penny-pinching, money-grabbing muck worm!

- Savannah, baby. - Cheap, lyin', two-faced tightwad.

Well, honey, your lips are moving, but you aren't saying anything.

Well, then sample this, dum-dum. We are finished.

But, baby, what did I do?

How dare you buy me a secondhand car for my birthday?

Uh-uh. That chariot I got you was top of the line.

What line? A clothes line?

The man at the garage... He told me that that car had a rebuilt engine.

It had a bent frame and three of the tires are recaps!

Honey, can't we discuss this another time?

No, we can't discuss it no other time.

I'm glad I hit that taxi, or I never would have found out about all of this.

Uh, would you mind repeating that?

I said, I never would have found out about all of this. I mean, the first part.

I said, uh...

Oh, yeah. I'm glad I hit that taxi.

That poor, little, old innocent taxi? Yeah, innocent.

- Thanks, sweetie.

- Savannah, you are getting us in a lot of trouble...

with that big, flapping mouth of yours.

Well, you can stop worrying about that, sucker,

'cause now I'm taking up with Big Elroy Mitchell,

who promised me a genuine 1979 Maserati...

right off the showroom floor.

And this time I'm getting the bill of sale.

So long, uh, Mr. Slick.

Get out of my way.

Did you see that? Honey, did you see that?

Come on now! Don't be doin' that. Wait a sec...

Don't be doin' that. Miss? Is that still on?

Good. Well, take this down. First of all, Savannah Morgan never had no license.

The woman's blind in one eye and can't see out the other.

Also, she got more tickets than a Chinese laundry. You got that?

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Just lookin' out of the window ♪

♪ Watchin' the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how it all looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times Good times ♪

♪♪ Good Times is videotaped before a studio audience.

♪ Making a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪ ♪ Good times ♪♪