Original subtitles

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Anytime you meet a payment ♪

♪ Good times ♪ ♪ Anytime you need a friend ♪

♪ Good times ♪ ♪ Anytime you're out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your head above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit rip-offs ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ Scratchin' and survivin' ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ Hangin' in a chow line ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪

Come on, baby. Let's dance.

It'll do your leg good, and it'll be fun.

And it won't work. Exercise isn't supposed to be fun.

That's why they call it "exercise."

As we all know, nothing that begins with E-X is ever fun...

Exercise, execution, ex-wife.

Well, uh, expect to sleep on the couch...

if you don't dance with me, ex-husband.

Whoo! Get on up on the get down!

Gimme some soul!

♪ Good golly, Miss Molly ♪

Uh, with the record now, Keith, okay?

All right, baby.

Ready? I'm ready.

♪♪

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, stop.

You know I can't do that.

♪♪

That darned old record player again.

Now, this is what I call exercise.

- Thelma? - Oh, we're just exercising.

Well, it don't look like you need Gatorade.

Did Willona drop by with the want ads?

No, she said she was gonna pick up the paper on her way home from the boutique.

Mm-hmm. Hey, Mom, what kind of job are you looking for?

Well, I'd like something challenging, yet secure;

demanding, yet rewarding;

dynamic, yet fulfilling.

Sounds like a four-year hitch in the Marine Corps.

Pounding the pavement, pounding the pavement.

Couldn't find a job, huh, J.J.?

Thelma, it's like asking for room service in Johannesburg.

Tell you, boy, the way I feel today... as tired as I am...

A team of wild Las Vegas showgirls couldn't drive me out of this seat.

I'll go start dinner, okay?

On second thought,

there may be some night work that I could look for.

Well, I'll change my clothes first.

That's right, Thelma, 'cause those panty hose look better in the egg.

J.J., your body could fit into that egg.

You're becoming a real Evans.

All right.

Hey, Mom, about this job situation.

Uh, don't you think you should forget about it...

and take it easy for a while?

Oh, now, J.J., you know me.

When it comes to doin' nothin', I say, "Nothin' doin'."

Flo. Hi, y'all.

Ooh!

Girl, have I got news for you.

Wait till you hear.

Penny was just named the official student director of the new school play...

called The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Isn't that great?

Fantastic? Wonderful? Marvelous?

Yeah.

Y'all don't seem too excited about it.

Of course we're excited, Willona.

It's just that I thought you had some news about a job, that's all.

Oh, Flo, honey, there was no openings at my place, but I did bring you the paper.

Oh, well, then let's see what they got here.

They may have something in the want ads we can use.

Yeah! Now let's see here.

Uh-huh.

Look at this. Sounds like somethin'.

"Microprocessor...

"and analytical analog...

digital circuit designer."

Do you think that job's better for me or you, Mom?

Neither.

You can't say it, and I don't know what it means.

Oh, wait a minute. Look at this one, J.J.

"Wanted: Substitute city school bus driver.

"Excellent pay, fringe benefits.

"Apply in person, Mr. C.J. Collingswood,

Roadway Bus Company, Incorporated."

Flo, that sounds like a great job for you.

Me, a bus driver? That's right.

Honey, women do all kinds of jobs these days...

Telephone repairs, heavy-duty machinists,

barge captains, dock workers.

Yeah, I got a girl who's a toll-bridge operator...

named Two-Ton Tanya.

It's kind of embarrassing though.

Every time I kiss her, I gotta chuck in a quarter.

J.J. Just jivin', Ma.

It's only a dime.

Hmm! School bus driver.

You know, I always did want to work with kids.

Flo, you couldn't ask for a better deal...

if Monty Hall owned the company.

Okay. I'll do it. Right on!

I'll go in there tomorrow morning. All right.

Hey, Penny.

How's the life of the big-time director person?

- Rough. - Come here, baby.

Those little tots are giving you a hard time, huh?

Well, not all of them, just a certain one.

Why? But I think I lost him.

Hey, look here, Mama.

Let me tell you something.

We're gonna settle this thing right here and now.

Lord, it's Gary James...

Chicago's answer to the neutron bomb.

At your service.

Hello, totem pole.

Gary, I'd like you to meet Mrs. Florida Evans.

Hey, Flo!

Pleased to meet you.

That's "Mrs. Evans" to you, young man.

Mrs. Evans? Oh, come on, lady.

Where are we, at a Tupperware party?

I don't believe in all that mister-and-missus jive.

Gary, look at these hands.

Hey, Mama, if you want a palm reader, you got the wrong dude.

Well, you have your choice.

Either I go upside your head with these two palms,

or I cut you a nice piece of sweet-potato pie.

I ain't no dummy. I'll settle for the pie, Flo.

Mrs. Evans.

I'll get it.

Well, what seems to be your problem?

They made me try out for Penny's old play,

and she cast me as a sheep.

But, Gary, you're too short to be the shepherd.

You can't even see over the water bucket.

If I don't get a better part,

I'm going to empty the water bucket over someone's head.

Willona, hold the pie.

Just jivin', just jivin'.

Now, what's wrong with being a sheep?

Aw, sheep don't have no lines,

and I ain't about to get up there...

and spend 15 minutes eating grass.

And furthermore, I don't like the costume.

They make you stick a bunch of cotton balls in your hair.

Shoot! It took us 300 years to get out of cotton.

Now here they go, putting us right back in it.

But, Gary, I need you.

No way. Mary may have a little lamb, but you ain't got a sheep.

All right. Hold it.

Come here, Penny.

Look. If Gary can't act well enough to handle the part,

then maybe you should find somebody else.

Mrs. Evans, I'm hip to that reverse psychology.

When I went to my first psychiatrist,

I was so young he had to put rubber sheets on his couch.

I like you. You want me to do the part? Just say so.

Then do it.

You got it. I'm a sheep. Come to the show.

I'll be so real, they'll have to shave me to get me out of that costume.

I'll be there.

Now can we go rehearse?

Okay. Hey, Gary.

A couple of quick "pointners" on how to play a sheep.

Baa, baa, baa.

Hey, Whiffenpoof.

You've really lost your way.

I still ain't eating no grass.

Whoo! Flo, I haven't seen anybody handle Gary that way...

I mean, without a whip and a chair.

Yeah, I'll handle him right now.

Look here... Oh.

Greetings.

Ah, Florida, my most faithful and loyal voter.

Oh, Lord. Look what the wind blew in.

Yeah. More wind.

Well, well, well, well.

"Balderman" Davis.

What brings you here?

I am dedicated to my civic duties, "Fillonia."

And anyway, it does my heart good...

to drop in every once in a while and visit with my...

Favorite project family.

Yes, well, I like to stay abreast of things,

and as my younger constituents say,

"What's shakin'?"

Mostly your jowls, curly.

Well, as your older constituents would say,

what's shakin' is, I'm looking for a job...

and the shakin' is mighty shaky.

- Any prospects? - Well, I'm gonna apply...

for a substitute job driving a school bus.

Oh! You will give Mr. Collingswood my regards, won't you?

Hey, chrome dome.

Do you know him?

Of course, "Petronia."

Well, then you could give Flo a good recommendation, huh?

Well, yes.

Unfortunately,

this upcoming election has me worried.

You see, my opponent has plastered this district...

will full-colored posters of himself...

to gain popularity.

A brazen tactic. A monstrous, cheap trick.

And you wish you had thought of it first.

And I wish I had thought of it...

Well, what it boils down to is a counterattack,

because I stand a good chance of being unseated...

unless I can locate some fine, young, talented artist...

with enough civic pride to share his gift...

with the uninformed masses.

And what, pray tell, would this young, talented artist...

And you forgot to mention "incredibly handsome"...

Receive as reward for his gift?

A word, perhaps, to Mr. Collingswood.

Hmm. Suddenly I'm inspired.

Maybe even a strong letter of recommendation.

Hair! Suddenly I see hair.

Not to mention free paint.

I'll do it!

Wait a minute, J.J.

Driving kids to school is a big responsibility.

I don't want that job unless I'm sure I could handle it.

Well, of course, you would be required...

to pass a stringent series of tests,

but if you can prove yourself worthy,

on my word and honor, Florida, you've got the job.

For after all, this is my...

Favorite project family.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, there, Mr. Miguel.

You're here just in time for a great political work of art.

Yeah? It's gonna be the greatest unveiling since Mt. Rushmore,

when they found the wino sleeping in Lincoln's nose.

Well, Michael, you ready? Yeah, Brother. Get on with it.

Voilà!

It looks pretty good, J.J.

Who is it?

Alderman Davis.

Oh! I see. Yeah. See?

I used Muhammad Ali's cheekbones, Yeah?

Billy D. Williams's jaw,

O.J. Simpson's nose...

and Smokey Robinson's hairline.

J.J., what did you use of Davis's?

His paint.

Will you two try and hold it down?

I'm trying to study for this driver's test this afternoon.

Hey, wait a minute, Ma. Don't worry about it.

You did real good on the interview, and you passed the written test.

Yeah, but now that I'm getting close to getting the job,

I-I'm just getting nervous.

Oh, I know I'm gonna miss something.

Oh, no, you won't, Ma. Let me give you a little quiz right quick.

How about this?

Rule 15, section "C."

Oh, that's easy.

Let me see now.

Always come to a complete child before letting off a stop.

You see there? I told you I was nervous.

It's just like having my first baby.

Don't worry, Ma. You'll get over it.

Yeah. You got over J.J., you can get over anything.

Oh, yeah, Michael?

When you were born, you were so ugly the doctor slapped himself.

Hey, Flo. How ya doing?

Girl, did you win your driver's stripes yet?

Not yet, but I'm going for my test in a few hours.

Good. Now you need to practice under battle conditions.

- "Battle conditions"? - Yeah. Kids and everything.

Keith? Thelma?

How did you know they were in the bedroom?

How do I know Smokey is a bear?

- Hey, Willona. - Smokey is a bear.

Okay, we're gonna help Flo practice for her driver's test. All right.

Can you act like a little kid, Thelma?

Well, I could try. Okay. Keith, how about you?

Do we have to eat spinach?

Only if it turns you on.

Willona, this is silly. Oh, no, it's not, Flo.

You already know the ground rules. All you need now is a little practical experience.

Come on, J.J., Gramps. We're in a school bus, right? We're in the bus.

Move like you're in the bus and everything like that.

Okay, Flo, now grab the wheel.

Okay? On our way to school. Hit it! Okay.

Hey! It was all J.J.'s fault anyway.

Oh, no, it wasn't, you old cucumber head. You old asparagus face.

Hey, man, you can't talk to her like that. You wanna fight?

Knock this stick off my shoulder.

I thought the stick was your shoulder. What's going on here?

I don't wanna hear that.

It's 20 minutes to the next gas stop. But I can't wait.

Sissy! Yo mama!

Oh, yeah?

All right, children. Stop fighting this instant!

Who's gonna make us? Yeah!

No one should have to make you.

To begin with, you should know better.

Your parents are making great sacrifices to send you to school,

and you ought to show them enough respect...

to act like a decent human being.

All right! Whoo!

Oh, girl! How did I do?

Fantastic.

Well, I just said what came to mind.

- That was great, Ma, except for one thing. - What's that?

You forgot to, uh, stop the bus!

Thelma!

The bus just left us off in front of our playground.

I'll get the door for you, Florida.

Oh, stop it. I mean, Miss Evans.

Oh. Look who's here.

Why, Fred Davis. You came to wish me luck?

Well, not exactly, Florida.

You see, I, uh... Hey!

Oh.

Well. A good likeness. It does me justice.

And mercy.

Allow me to introduce my niece, Miss Sandra Forbes.

Sandra, this is Miss Florida Evans.

How do you do?

- Won't you sit down? - Thank you.

Nice apartment, huh, Sandra?

Amazingly well kept for the projects.

Why, thank you. Incidentally, we've housebroken all our roaches.

Michael.

This is my friend, Willona.

- How do you do? - Fine, thank you.

My son, Michael, and my oldest boy, J.J.

How do you do?

Emulsified.

Fred, are you going to tell these people why we're here?

Hon... Honey, honey, hold it. Are you trying to talk, Negro?

Or are you having an indigestion attack?

Either way, it comes out gas.

I'd like to apologize for my children's rudeness.

Oh, in this neighborhood, it's to be expected.

Well, I hate to disappoint you, dear,

but around here...

you don't always get what you expect.

Mrs. Evans, it seems that you and I...

are the two finalists for this bus driving job. Yes.

And if Uncle Fred ever regains the use of his tongue,

he'll tell you that there's really no point...

in your taking the test this afternoon.

- What? - Well, in the first place,

I'm much more qualified than you are.

I majored in child psychology.

I'm summa cum laude.

That's no big deal. Ma's Southern Baptist.

And I majored in three children.

Yeah, and she only flunked in one.

In the second place, if push comes to shove,

Uncle Fred will have a private little talk with Mr. Collingswood.

- Isn't that right, Fred? - Right. Private.

That's not fair! That's cheating, Fred.

Wait a minute. Would you do something that underhanded, skinhead?

Skinhead certainly would.

Well, uh, in that case,

I gotta put some finishing touches on this portrait.

Oh, wait, J.J. I like it just the way it is.

Stand over there in the light, Fred,

so I can capture all six of your chins.

J.J., please.

Seems to be a little mistake with the hairline.

But no problem. Easy correct. Erase it.

Won't somebody stop him?

You can, Alderman Davis, but first you have to stop acting like a politician...

and behave like a human being.

Florida, you must understand. There'll be other jobs.

I think we can leave now, Fred.

Hey, hey, hey.

Has anyone seen Penny?

Well! Who have we here?

Aren't you a sweet, little pumpkin face?

Hey, Mama, you asking for it.

Uh, Gary, maybe you should... No, Flo.

Let sweet, little Gary say hello to the nice lady.

Gary, my name is Miss Forbes,

and I just may be your brand-new bus driver.

Well, bus driver you may be, but brand-new you ain't.

Funny little fellow. Yes.

Oh, boy! Fresh blood.

Uh... Pay attention, totem pole.

You might learn something.

Gary... Don't worry, Mama. There's nothing to it.

- We won't even make you pick up the ants. - Ants?

Yeah. My friend Chester Hill got mad at our last bus driver,

and threw his ant farm at him.

Now, Gary... It's okay now. They're almost gone.

Oh! It was my idea to bring in the spiders.

- Spiders? - They love ants.

Mama, what is your problem?

This is like talking to a yo-yo.

- Now, you... - I told you not to worry.

They're just baby spiders anyway...

Like the one on your arm. My arm?

Or is it your leg? Hold on! It's in your hair.

I'll get him.

Get it out! Oh!

You... You little monster.

Forty dollars ruined.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

If I have to put up with brats like that,

I'm applying to something safer... like bullfighting!

Olé!

Sandra! Sandra.

Does this mean she's not going to be our bus driver?

Well, Gary, it kind of looks that way.

Good. That chick had the worst case of split ends I've ever seen.

Now, Gary,

what you did was not very nice, and I don't approve.

However, you did make the lady understand...

that she isn't suited for this job.

- Now, look, Mama... - What did you say?

Mrs. Evans. Better.

Can we cut the hearts and flowers and get to that sweet-potato pie?

I gotta get the taste of grass out of my mouth. Baa!

Okay. I think there's enough for everybody.

♪ Keepin' your head above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit rip-offs ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪ Good Times was videotaped before a studio audience.