Original subtitles

* Good times *

* Any time You meet a payment *

* Good times *

* Any time You need a friend *

* Good times *

* Any time You're out from under *

* Not gettin' hassled Not gettin' hustled *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs *

* Good times *

* Easy credit Ripoffs *

* Good times *

* Scratchin' And survivin' *

* Good times *

* Hangin' In a chow line *

* Good times *

* Ain't we lucky We got 'em *

* Good times *

Michael, would you set the table for me please?

I'm looking to see if anybody needs some part-time help.

I do!

Now, will you set the table?

Gal, all you had to do was ask.

I did! Get out of here.

Don't anybody make a move!

I want to remember the sight of my humble beginnings.

Great! 'Cause you're just in time

to take out the humble garbage.

Thelma, forget the humble garbage.

I've just scored the winning touchdown

and I'm dancing in the end zone!

J.J., man, what are you talking about?

Mr. Miguel, Thelma,

your illustrious brother, the Ebony Prince,

has just gotten a promotion!

All right! All right!

J.J.: That's right! That's right!

All right! Yeah!

This calls for a celebration.

Ooh, yeah! How y'all doin'?

Am I in time for the celebration?

Just in time, Willona.

Thelma, go get our good champagne-glasses.

And get the jelly out the bottom of them, will ya?

Well, if we're going to celebrate,

champagne is the way to go.

By the way, what are we celebrating?

Well, you see what happened, Willona,

is that the big boss called us all in today,

told us there's going to be a promotion to

Assistant Art Director. That means a raise.

And I am the "raise-ee!"

Wait a minute, J.J.

You said, "us."

Who else did he tell?

Oh, Russell, Raymond, Tom,

a few of the other knuckleheads

around the office, you know. Oh, J.J.!

You're just in the running for it?

We thought you already had the gig.

Willona, can you imagine Mr. G

giving that raise to anybody else?

Mm-hm.

Thelma, could you bring down them champagnes?

I got a toast to make, here.

Look at this, Mr. Miguel.

Imported champagne!

Imported?

J.J., it's from Cucamonga.

Look, Michael, you're a little young for all this,

so you're gonna have some Kool-Aid, okay?

Kool-Aid? All right, here we go, here.

Pouring the champagne.

A-ha. Look out.

Now here's the toast: Look out!

That's enough! All right, then.

Look out, tongue. Watch out, belly.

Here come the champagne, mixed with a little jelly.

[IN UNISON] All right!

Uh-huh.

Now, here's to that pot of gold

at the end of the rainbow

that Mom and Dad always wanted.

I'll drink to that.

[GAGS]

[COUGHS]

If this is the good life,

I don't like the taste of it.

Cucamonga!

Here you go, Veronica.

Thanks, Carmen. Uh-huh.

Hey, Veronica. Hi, J.J.

Mmm...

Oh, hey, lover boy.

Hey there, Carmen.

What's shakin'?

What are you doing here so early?

Well, I'm here to clean out my desk.

You going somewhere?

That's right, mama.

I'm moving up!

Didn't you hear about that promotion?

J.J., there are six others in line for that job.

You mean, the also-rans?

Mama, to show you how sure I am

about gettin' that promotion,

what do you say me and you go out on Saturday night,

and skip the light fandango.

Just me and you?

Why not? Ow!

Now you're coming back to your senses.

Well,

if it isn't tall, bronze and good lookin'.

Thank you very much, Raymond.

I meant Carmen.

You know, Raymond, for a man in your position,

it's not wise to curry the disfavor of higher-ups.

What higher-up?

Me!

Raymond, didn't you hear

about that promotion, my good man?

Well, I'd better get back to my switchboard.

I'll see you later, J.J.

[BARKING]

Boy, this must be my lucky day!

First a raise,

now a promotion,

then a date with a classy chick like Carmen.

How much pleasure can one man handle?

I wouldn't get my hopes up over that job.

Why?

You think you gonna get it?

[WHEEZING LAUGHTER]

I have about as much chance as you, brother,

and that's zero.

Hey, man.

Now, let's not go laying that prejudice stuff on me.

You know this company has never come on like that.

Agreed, brother,

or we wouldn't be working here.

But, whoever gets this gig as Assistant Art Director

has to deal with several accounts

that I'm not so sure about.

You mean, no blacks?

[BRITISH ACCENT] By Jove, I think he's got it.

You mean, if I was president of a big company,

and I was dealing with Arab oil,

I wouldn't hire a dude named Sam Ginsberg?

Now I know he's got it!

Listen, J.,

if you were captain of a sinking ship,

and you had room on your lifeboat for only one more,

who would you give the seat to:

A black man, or a white man?

According to you, that would never happen.

Why you say that?

'Cause they'd never make one of us captain!

Morning, fellas.

Morning, Mr. Galbraith.

Hey, there, Mr. G.

What can we do you out of?

Well, I got a little problem, fellas.

I need a rush job on a paste up.

It's the ad campaign for that new instant stuffing.

Love their slogan:

Take it and stuff it!

Don't worry, Mr. G.

I'll have it out for you

if it takes me all night long.

Oh, thank you, J.J.

You're a very industrious young man.

Hiring you was one of my better decisions.

Ha, ha, ha.

Uh, Mr. G.!

Could I ask you kind of a personal question?

Any time, J.J.

Uh, how personal?

Well, there's a rumor going around the office--

It's not true!

My secretary and I are just friends.

No, it's not that rumor, Mr. G.

It's about the promotion.

You see, there are certain people

around here, that think you won't give that job

to a black person. Now, see,

I knowyou're not prejudiced,

but that's what the scuttlebutt is.

Well, you're right, J.J.

I certainly am not prejudiced.

Ha, ha, ha.

However, I probably won't give that job to a black.

Ha, ha, ha.

I'm sorry about this, J.J.

but I'm sure you'd rather have me be straight with you.

You see, this company's success depends on the good will

of all our accounts.

I just couldn't stay in business

if some of them didn't approve of my Assistant Art Director.

Yeah, but Mr.--

I'm really sorry.

I don't like that league,

but I have to play ball.

Well, if you the one playin' ball,

how come I'm the one strikin' out?

Ohhh...

those chilidogs!

Ohhh...

What's the matter, you have a stomach ache?

Thelma, it's not an ache, it's a revolution.

The kraut and the Kool-Aid are fighting the chilidogs

to see which one kicks out the onion rings.

J.J., man, I don't know why you eat that junk

this late at night, anyway.

Michael, I was working late.

And besides, I'd get a lot sicker

if I was eating Thelma's cooking.

Well, I hope your chilidogs have puppies.

Well, I'm about ready to hit the sack too, J.J.

You coming?

Michael, hold it. Yeah?

If you were the captain of a sinking ship,

and you only had one seat left on your lifeboat,

who would you give it to:

a black man, or a white man?

Well, J.J.,

my answer is...

Well, it depends.

Depends on what?

Depends on who it is.

I mean, is the black Barbara Jordan, or Idi Amin?

Is the white Dr. Salk, or Lester Maddox?

Oh, Michael, forget it. Hold on, J.J.

How come all of a sudden the interest in sinking ships?

You plan on taking a cruise, bro?

Yeah, to the Dead Sea.

Michael, I'm not getting that promotion.

Why not?

Well, the boss claims he has to give it to a white guy.

Calls it "playing ball."

Hm. I call that foul ball.

Well, see you later, man.

Michael? Yeah?

You ever wonder what it's like to be white?

[UNDER BREATH] Be white?

Well, J.J.,

I guess in my opinion being white

is never having to say,

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that promotion."

Hey, but, bro, you've got to face the facts.

You're black, so be proud of it and deal with it.

And remember what Dad used to say,

"You gotta play the game with the uniform you're issued"?

Yeah.

I remember him saying that.

He also used to say,

"Take it easy on those chili dogs!"

See you later, big bro.

Okay, Michael.

Oh boy...

chilidog rebellion.

Oh... I wonder who I'd give that seat to.

Probably the ship's doctor.

I don't know.

I wouldn't want to be involved in that captain business,

going down with the ship, and all that mess.

Not me.

Attention all hands...

the boat's sinking.

Brothers and sisters first!

I wonder what it's like to be white...

THELMA: J.J., get up now!

J.J., I said get up!

J.J., I said to get up, now.

I said to get up!

Get up!

Thelma, J.J. didn't sleep too good last night.

He's worried about that new promotion,

'cause he thinks a white dude's gonna get it.

Oh. Well, he sure is qualified.

I hope he gets it.

Me, too.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

If you keep your fingers crossed,

you won't be able to eat Thelma's oatmeal!

Right!

Ha, ha! You're bad!

J.J., if you don't get up now

you're gonna miss my breakfast!

Now he'll never get up!

Right!

WILLONA: You better be quiet.

J.J., for once and for all,

I said to get up before you miss work.

Get up!

Ah!

Good morning, everybody.

J.J., that's enough of that nonsense.

Enough of that nonsense!

Now take out those blue contact lenses,

and wipe that clown makeup off your face.

Lord have mercy,

the boy done turned white!

Hey! What happened to the Ebony Prince?

The Ebony Prince is now the Ivory Prince.

The Ebony Prince is now the Ivory Prince.

Hooh, child!

There's got to be an answer. Come on.

Yeah, let's talk about this.

There's got to be an answer.

Hey. Good morning, y'all.

WILLONA: I don't know what we gonna say...

I said good morning, y'all.

Good morning!

Ah, excuse me.

Uh, that won't do any good. They can't see or hear you.

Hey!

Who are you?

Don't you recognize me?

I'm you!

You can't be me! I'm me!

Besides, uh... you're white!

James Evans, Jr.;

this is your dream.

Remember the chilidog?

Remember you wondered

what it would be like to be white?

Oh yeah.

So...

You're me white, huh?

J.J., what happened to you?

Maybe he's been eating too much white bread.

J.J., when did this happen?

And how?

Probably right after the ship sank.

J.J., if this is some kind of put on,

man, it's not funny!

You know, I think we better

take him to a doctor.

Thelma, this is one thing penicillin won't cure.

Man, what am I gonna tell my friends?

I know what to tell my friends.

I don't care if J.J. does look like

a vanilla ice cream cone.

I still love him. Aw.

Well, come on, let's sit down here, J.J.,

and figure this thing out.

I don't know what we gonna do.

Uh, J.J., why aren't you eating?

I made your favorite dish: Oatmeal.

Sorry, but your oatmeal doesn't appeal to me.

Well, then what does?

I have a strange craving for eggs Benedict and prune juice.

That proves it!

He's white, all right!

Oh, no. A white brother!

Can you imagine the hassles we're gonna have?

Willona, this is gonna be tough!

Well, tough or not, we can deal with it.

Now, whatever shade J.J. is,

he's still a member of this family.

Yeah, he may be a part of the family, all right.

But how are we gonna explain this to Alex Haley?

Well, just tell him he got root rot!

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Who is it?

[FROM HALL] It's me, Bookman.

Oh, it's that oaf of a custodian.

[IN UNISON] Oaf?!

When did I start talking like that?

Whose dream is this, anyway? Mine!

Then keep your big mouth shut,

and watch how it turns out!

Oh, excuse me, I'd like to speak to a member

of the Evans family, please.

Booga? What do you want?

That's Bookman, Ms. Woods.

Hey, don't call me Booga in front of company.

What company? The white dude over there.

Hey, Bookman, that's J.J.

It can't be,

'cause J.J.'s skinny, black,

and always has a silly look on his face.

Well, check it out, Booga.

Good Lord!

Two out of three.

You can't fool Buffalo Butt!

It's me, Bookman.

J.J.

Yeah, but-- but you're white.

Well, what can I say?

What can one say?

Hey, man, you can't even get that right!

Well, one can say, "There goes the neighborhood."

And as the Duke would say,

[MIMICKING JOHN WAYNE] Well, you'd better be out by sundown, kid,

because this ghetto ain't big enough for the both of us.

Yuh-huh-huh!

Well, there's one good thing

that's gonna come out of all this.

What's that? Now that J.J. is white,

he will get that promotion for sure.

That's right, Willona! This is, uh, fabulous!

[IN UNISON] Fabulous?

Fabulous? Whatever happened to

Dyn-o-mite?!

What's that?

[IN UNISON] What's that?!

Uh, J.J., it is getting late,

and I think you're gonna miss your bus.

Bus?

You must be "jivving."

Uh, that's "jiving,"

with one "v."

Uh, that's "jiving," with one "v."

I'm going to take a cab.

Oh, you the last of the big spenders, huh?

Don't you know that taxis are very expensive?

It costs money to be white, Willona.

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

Well, I'm on my way.

J.J., good luck on the promotion!

Thanks, Willona, but I shall cope.

I'm the Evans family's great white hope!

Ooh-wee!

Did you hear him?

"I'm the Evan's family's great white hope"?

Man's in my dream,

going down to my office, to get my promotion.

Hey!

Wait for me!

Good morning, Carmen.

Well, if it ain't Snow White.

Tell me, Snow,

what did you do with Happy, Sleepy, and Dopey?

Carmen, I'm getting that promotion today.

Why don't you come to the house for dinner tonight?

Ha, ha. "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"?

No, thanks. I saw that movie.

I don't comprehend, Carmen.

Yesterday you were willing to go out with me.

Well, that was then and this is now.

Besides, you no longer have what it takes.

What it takes is soul.

What's that?

If you have to ask, baby, you ain't got it!

That's telling him, Carmen.

That's telling me.

Good morning, darlin'.

J.J.?

Pfffft!

Hooh, hooh!

Care for a croissant?

What ever happened to good-old donuts?

Donuts?

Surely you jest.

Wait 'til I tell Veronica about this.

It's not going to work, J.J.

What's not going to work?

Man, I expected you to do something--

something sneaky to get this job.

But this is ridiculous!

You think I turned white on purpose?

I wouldn't put it past you.

I think he's just mad

'cause he's not having this dream.

Raymond, look,

some men are born white,

some achieve whiteness,

and some have whiteness thrust upon them.

Well, since it's been thrust upon you,

maybe you can tell me something.

I'll try.

I've always been a little curious.

What's it like to be white, brother?

Well, you save a lot of time shaking hands.

Good morning, Raymond.

Good morning, Mr. Galbraith.

Good morning, J.J.

Good morning, B.G. I finished that paste up, sir.

Why don't we pour it down the drain and see if it gurgles?

All right, we'll do just that. Thank you.

Wait a minute.

Isn't there something different about you?

Oh, I've got it. That's a new jacket.

Uh, yes, sir.

Very handsome.

I see you've redecorated your face to go with it.

You like the jacket, Raymond?

Yeah, those are some bad threads.

"Bad threads."

I love those expressions you people use.

"You people"?!

You have such picturesque speech.

Don't you agree, B.G.? Yes.

Very colorful.

Colorful!

Uh, Mr. Galbraith just told a joke, Raymond.

Why aren't you laughing, old boy?

Don't call me "boy."

Sorry. I keep forgetting

how sensitive you people are.

"Sensitive"?

Hey, Raymond's my buddy.

So touchy.

Coffee, B.G.? All right.

"Touchy"? Look here, man,

I want outta this dream.

I've had it with this dream up to here.

Will you keep quiet?

We're about to get that promotion.

Hey, man, forget the promotion.

The eggs Benedict, the new clothes, the cab,

it's costing me a fortune, man.

The classy black chick I wanted to go out with

now don't wanna go out with me anymore.

Raymond, my buddy, is not my buddy anymore.

I want to go back to being me, J.J.,

black J.J. Evans.

Uh, your coffee, sir.

Oh, thank you.

I just want you to know, J.J.,

that we've been very pleased with your work here.

Oh, thank you, sir.

And since I've just made up my mind who's going to be

our new Assistant Art Director, I want you to know.

Tell him we don't want the job. I hope I get the job, sir.

Ain't you got ears?

There's no question that you have the ability for the job,

but Raymond has the ability, too.

True, but Raymond doesn't have that little...

something extra that I have.

But Raymond doesn't need it.

He's getting the promotion.

ALL: Raymond?!

I've decided not to knuckle under anymore.

From now on, there's going to be

real equal opportunity around here,

so I'm giving that job to a black.

And I'm also sending Sam Ginsberg

to be our man in Saudi Arabia.

But, Mr. Galbraith,

if you wanted a black, why didn't you say so?

I'm black!

Be a good sport, J.J.

You don't know what I've gone through!

If you think sex change is tough, try color!

Now I've been equal "opportunitied"

out of a promotion.

Mr. Galbraith, I'll prove it to you.

Put out your hands.

Only brothers know how to soul slap, man!

Hey, listen to this:

Foxy Mama!

Say what?

Jive turkey!

None of that makes a man black, J.J.

Raymond, tell him!

I'm a brother!

You're not a brother anymore.

Now, if you don't believe that

just go look in the mirror.

Raymond, would you kindly step into my office,

so we can discuss your new promotion?

Raymond, tell him I'm black.

The mirror lies!

I'm black, Raymond!

Come on, man.

I'm black!

Take me back.

I'm black!

Take me back!

I'm black!

Take me back!

[DISTORTED] I'm black...

I'm black...

I'm black!

Hey, J.J.

Hey, man, wake up.

Everybody knows you black, man.

Hey, what's all this noise around here?

Where am I?

On the sofa, where you slept all night.

J.J., you must have been dreaming.

Let me see.

Ah!

It's me!

I'm black!

I'm beautiful!

I'm back!

I'm black!

I'm beautiful!

Michael, guess what!

Yeah, yeah, man, I already know.

You're black and you're back!

That's right! Thelma!

I'm glad to see me black!

I had such a nightmare!

Well, the nightmare's not over. It's after 9:00.

After 9:00? I've gotta call the office.

Thelma, you're not thinking of making eggs Benedict

for breakfast are you?

Uh-uh. I'm thinking about warming up yesterday's oatmeal.

Okay, I'll eat it cold.

Hello, Carmen?

Yeah, J.J. here.

Uh-huh, lover boy!

Yeah, look here,

tell them not to give out that promotion yet.

No, 'cause see, the ebony J.J. is on his way.

Huh?!

They did?

Who got it?

Okay.

See ya later. Bye.

You didn't get the promotion, did ya, J.J.?

Aw, J.J., I'm sorry.

That's all right.

I just remember what Dad said,

"Play with the uniform that you were issued."

Who got the job, a black or a white?

Another minority.

What other minority?

Veronica.

That's great!

I didn't know a woman was up for the job, too!

Well, I would hate going through that dream in a dress.

[***]

* Just lookin' Out of the window *

* Watchin' the asphalt grow *

* Thinkin' how It all looks hand-me-down *

* Good times * * Hey, yeah *

* Good times *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs *

* Good times *

* Easy credit Ripoffs *

* Good times *

ANNOUNCER: Good Times was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

* Good times *