Original subtitles

* Good times *

* Any time You meet a payment *

* Good times *

* Any time You need a friend *

* Good times *

* Any time You're out from under *

* Not gettin' hassled Not gettin' hustled *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs *

* Good times *

* Easy credit Ripoffs *

* Good times *

* Scratchin' And survivin' *

* Good times *

* Hangin' In a chow line *

* Good times *

* Ain't we lucky We got 'em *

* Good times *

Hey, Penny, I still smell smoke.

You'd better fan a little harder.

Voilà.

This ought to kill the smell.

It kills everything else it comes near.

Hey, J.J., what is that stuff?

It's Thelma's perfume. Yuck.

It's my what?

That's right, girl. Give me that, fool.

The elevator's here! Mama's coming!

Oh, no.

[ALL SHRIEKING]

Hi, y'all.

ALL: Hi.

Child, it is so cold out there,

my goose bumps are begging me

to go south for the winter.

What's that I smell?

Smell?

What smell?

You know what, I smell something...smoky.

Smoky and sweet.

Like somebody's barbecuing an Avon lady.

That's supposed to be a joke.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Somethin' funny's going on here.

Hey, why don't we go down to Lake Michigan

and watch the ice crack.

THELMA: All right! Let's do that.

Hold it right there, every one of you.

Something is going on,

and ain't nobody leaving this room

until I get to the bottom of this.

[SHRIEKS]

What happened to the couch?

Uh, well, see, Willona,

uh, this is nothing.

Uh, matter of fact, I don't even want to bore you

with the details.

Honey, bore me with the details. What happened?

Well, Willona, we just had a little itty bitsy...fire.

[CLEARS THROAT] Fire?

Lord have mercy.

Did anybody get hurt?

Oh, no, Willona, nobody got hurt.

It was really nothing.

It was really nothing, huh?

By the looks of this couch, you're lucky everybody

in this house hasn't burned down by now.

I left y'all to watch Penny. Now, I wanna know what happened.

And I wanna know right now.

You see, Willona-- It all started--

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

One minute.

Now, we gonna go one at a time.

You first. What happened?

Willona, you coming to the right person,

I'm gonna tell you what happened.

You know, after you dropped Penny off,

J.J. came over with this fine girl.

Her name was Mandy. Oh, she's bad.

But anyway, I was working on my chemistry experiment, right,

and when I was doing that, the formulas I was mixing...

Michael, will you play house with me?

Sure, Penny. Just as soon as I'm finished

with this chemistry experiment.

[CLAPPING]

That's beautiful.

Now can we play house? Sure.

Michael, would you come taste this soup for me, please?

Excuse me, Penny. Thelma, dear,

nothing would give me more pleasure

than to taste your delightful soup.

Ugh!

[GAGS, COUGHS]

You're improving, Thelma.

Hey, everybody.

This is Mandy.

Mandy, this is everybody.

And, uh, over here is my, uh,

genius brother, Michael.

MANDY: Michael.

You're all J.J. talks about, Michael.

You know, J.J. is just too kind.

But, Mandy, I am your humble servant.

Uh, why don't you say we leave

the ebony Einstein over here by himself,

and me and you go "genius" on the couch.

Hello.

Just for a minute.

I mean, I find your brother

so compelling.

But, uh, Mandy, see,

I'm, uh...

I'm compelling too.

You?

On a scale of one to 10,

you a minus two.

Is that Fahrenheit

or Celsius?

Oh, allow me. Heh, heh.

Uh, Michael,

would you flick my Bic?

Mandy, not only will I flick your Bic,

but my heels are clicked.

Uh, Mandy, would you like to stay for dinner?

Thelma, I don't think Mandy's constitution is ready

to adjust to your... unique style of cooking.

Uh, she can't anyway. She has to go home and change,

'cause, see, me and Mandy are going dancing tonight.

Dancing? Well, if Michael'll be here,

I might be persuaded to stay. Oh, no, I'm afraid Mandy can't--

See, uh, because--

Oh, listen, Michael, can I write to you?

Baby, anytime. You know I will be here.

Every day.

Whoo.

Now, Michael, will you play house with me?

Sure, Penny, but after dinner, okay? I'm gonna wash up.

He's so understanding.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Reggie.

Did your sister use the recipe I gave her?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I'll send her a get-well card, okay?

Oh, I see.

Where do I send the wreath?

Oh, my goodness. Oh, I don't--

Well, listen...

Hey, Penny. Where's Michael?

He went to wash up.

You know, that's the fifth girl this month

he's taken from me.

J.J.: Hey, Michael. Yeah?

Yeah, Michael, every time I bring a girl home,

she winds up wanting to be with you.

I just wanna know one thing.

What's your secret?

Well, you know, what can I say?

Michael, I'm so sorry for the delay.

I'll have your dinner ready in a second.

It's all right.

J.J.: Michael! Fire!

Hey, hey, hey, calm down everybody.

Do not panic. I will handle everything.

How did this happen? Everything will be all right.

You just listen. Calm down.

I got everything under control.

And that's how it happened, Willona.

I realized that after I put out the fire,

it was that hot plate that Thelma put on the couch

that really started it.

Michael, that is not true.

That couldn't have started the fire,

because I never put the plate in the oven,

so the plate was cold.

It was? I didn't know that, Thelma.

I guess I was wrong.

And that's wasn't the only thing you were wrong about.

Mandy wanting to go out with you?

Hmm.

You must have been sniffing too much couch, brother.

Never mind about Mandy.

How did the fire start?

Let me tell you-- I already told you--

No, no, baby--

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Hold it. Hold it.

Now, I could tell you, Willona, because I know the facts.

I wish somebody would tell me the facts.

Okay. Now, remember when you brought Penny over?

Uh-huh. I was in the kitchen

making my usual magnificent, fantastic dinner, right?

Yeah. And Michael was sitting here...

Michael, will you play house with me?

Not right now. I'm busy. Can't you see?

Well, excuse me!

Penny, I'll play house with you,

just as soon as I finish making my soup.

Hey, everybody.

I want you all to meet Mandy.

Mandy, this is everybody.

And over there

is the woman whose cuisine

is responsible for this magnificent physique,

my sister, Thelma.

Nice to meet you, Mandy.

Ooh! Girl, what is that delicious smell

coming from the kitchen?

Looks like a magnificent casserole to me.

Well, it's nothing much. You know, nothing much.

It's just a little something I threw together

with my, uh, secret ingredient.

Well, you can tell me.

What's your secret ingredient?

Powdered chicken lips.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Why don't we just leave the, uh, gorgeous gourmet

over here by herself,

and me and you kind of grease on over to the couch?

Well... [CLEARS THROAT]

Well, just for a minute.

I mean, your sister's so interesting.

Yeah, but, see, uh, Mandy,

I'm, uh,

interesting too.

You? On a scale of one to 10,

you's a zero.

That high, huh?

Uh, allow me.

[CHUCKLES]

Mandy, I'll light your fire.

Thank you.

No problem.

I got it.

You're too late, hon.

Thelma.

Listen, girl. I hope I'm not imposing,

but could I stay for dinner? Sure you can.

Uh, no, see, she can't,

because, you see, uh,

me and Mandy are going dancing tonight,

and she's gotta go home and change.

Yeah, I forgot.

This is the last time I answer a lonely hearts ad

in the newspaper.

[LAUGHS]

I mean, there's just no quality control, you know?

I know what you mean. Oh, yeah, Mandy.

What do you say me and you, uh,

go walk on over to the elevator there.

Now, look, Thelma, would you make me up a doggie bag?

I'll take scraps, anything.

As a matter of fact, send it by J.J.

I'll eat it on the way to the disco.

Goodbye.

Okay, Michael, now, you go wash up, okay?

Thelma, I will scrub my hands in Ajax

just to have a sample of your food.

Oh, thank you, Michael. You're welcome.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Yes, this is Thelma. Who's this?

The man who loves me the most?

Norman, is that you?

Huh? No? Phil? Robert?

This has gotta be Kevin. Come on, now...

Hey, Penny, where's Thelma?

She's on the phone with one of her many admirers.

Boy, I wish I was as popular as my sister, Thelma.

Don't be silly, J.J.

What would you do with all those handsome men?

Is dinner ready yet?

Abdul? Pierre?

Robert? No?

Well, I'll just forget it for now.

Well, look, I'll just go put this in the oven.

Thelma, I don't know how you do it.

You make fantastic meals,

you look beautiful,

and you have more boyfriends

than you know what to do with.

Well, you know, what can I say?

MICHAEL: You can say our couch is on fire!

Hey! Look!

What? Huh? Thelma!

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Just take it easy.

Take it easy. It's no problem...

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

And that's just what happened.

And after I put out that fire,

I realized that it was the match that J.J. threw on that couch

that started that fire.

Oh, yeah, platypus face?

Hm.

Well, then,

how do you explain this cold match in the ashtray?

Oh, there's a match in the ashtray?

J.J.: Mm-hm.

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I was wrong.

J.J.: Yeah. I still wanna know

how the fire got started.

J.J.: Well, you see-- Well, you see, Willona--

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Silencio!

All right, now, Willona.

Here's the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

the gospel according to Brother J.

All right, Willona, here's the truth.

Now, me being the designated breadwinner

in the family,

the number-one in charge,

the general man about town--

Uh, J.J., could you get on with it?

You know? Okay.

See, I came home with this fine-feathered fox,

and everybody was freaking out because they didn't think

I could pull her in the first place.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Gang, I'm home.

Aw. Everyone, I want you all to meet

my adorable woman, Mandy.

And, adorable woman Mandy, this is everyone.

And over there is my sister, Thelma,

the wicked witch of the kitch.

[CACKLES]

J.J., will you play house with me?

But J.J., you promised me we was gonna play house.

Before you play house, man,

help me out with this chemistry experiment.

Uh, sure, Michael.

Whether it be chemistry or biology,

uh, just call on Dr. J.J., Ph.D.

Oh, boy, whatcha got here?

Uh-huh.

There you go, Michael.

Hey. Gee, thanks, J.J.

All right. Oh, wow, J.J.

I had no idea you were a scientist too.

Oh, just a little sideline hobby of mine.

And, uh, please, mama, no teeth there.

J.J., would you come and test my soup

and see if it needs anything?

[CACKLES]

Oh, the sacrifices one must make for one's family.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll just chip you off a piece here.

Mm.

Fine bouquet.

Not bad, Thelma.

Next time, a little lighter on the concrete.

Oh, and, uh-- Oh, you're still here.

No. Mandy, Mandy, Mandy.

Didn't I promise you a few fleeting moments on the couch?

Oh, yeah, J.J. Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey!

[GROANS]

What's the matter, J.J.?

Don't you find me attractive?

Well, on a scale of one to 10,

you're about a one and three-quarters.

Oh, J.J., I'll try harder.

I promise. Mm-hm.

Well, allow me, my dear.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ha!

J.J., do you think Mandy would like to stay for dinner?

[LAUGHS]

Uh, no, Thelma.

She doesn't have any Blue Cross.

Besides, uh, Mandy has to go home and change.

We're going dancing tonight.

Oh, yeah, and I can hardly wait.

Let's get out of here.

Whoa!

[LAUGHS]

Michael, you go wash up for dinner, okay?

Sure, Thelma.

I tell you, that J.J. is so clever.

You know, I've been working on this experiment all day,

and he got it right the first time.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Last Chance Dating Service?

Yes, I called.

Uh-huh.

What are my requirements for a date?

Well, he has to have a cast-iron stomach.

And he can't be frightened very easily,

you see, because...

Well, Penny, I'm back. Are you ready to play house?

J.J., the baby's tired. Would you rock it to sleep?

Sure.

[VOICE CRACKING] * Lullaby *

* And good night *

* Everything be all right *

I tell you, J.J.,

you can sing, you can dance, and you're a scientist.

Man, you should get a Nobel Prize.

Yeah, and his taste buds should be enshrined

in the Hall of Fame.

I heard that, Mom. You tell him.

And you're the world's greatest baby rocker.

Well, you know, what can I say?

[CHUCKLES]

THELMA: Fire!

Oh! Hey, hey, hey.

J.J., save us, J.J.!

This place is on fire! You gotta do something.

Hey, hey, take it easy, take it easy.

I'll handle it. I'll handle it.

Everything is trumbowie and bodacious.

And that's what happened.

See, after I put out the fire,

I came to the conclusion

because Michael's burner was so close to the couch,

that's what set the couch on fire.

I rest my case.

No, you won't. It's overruled, J.J.

Now, that alcohol burner hasn't been any closer to the couch

than it is right now.

Hey, wait a minute. Maybe it was Mandy.

MICHAEL: Yeah, she was smoking a cigarette.

She sure was. That girl was puffing 'em back.

She was like a chain smoker. Chain smoker.

Hold it. Hold it.

Mama, I didn't tell my story.

Oh, Penny, that's okay.

Wait. Now, hold it now, baby.

My baby wants to say something.

You go on and say it.

Isn't that sweet? She wants to tell a little story too.

[LAUGHS]

Well, okay. No wild stories,

because I've had enough of the wild stories

for the evening, okay?

Go on, baby. It's the truth.

Shh. I promise.

Okay. Well,

after you dropped me off... Mm-hm.

...I was playing with my doll,

and Michael was experimenting.

Michael, will you play house with me?

In a while, Penny. Right now, I'm busy

with this chemistry experiment.

[APPLAUDS]

That's beautiful.

Now can we play house? No.

Why not? Your water turned green.

I know. It's supposed to turn red.

Ah.

Well, back to the drawing board.

Thelma, will you play house with me?

Well, I'd love to, Penny,

but I have to finish making this soup.

Would you like to taste it?

No, thanks.

I have a perfect attendance record at school,

and I don't want to spoil it. Oh, Penny.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, everybody. We're home.

I want you all to meet Mandy.

Mandy, this is my brother, Michael.

Nice to meet you, Mandy.

MANDY: Thank you.

And, uh, my old ugly sister over there, Thelma,

and our little neighbor, Penny.

J.J., will you play house with me?

Uh, play house with you?

Penny, you see, you just a little itty bitty tyke.

Mandy over here is a big girl.

I'd rather play house with her.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What do you say we go over here

and sit down on the couch, my dear?

Okay, for a minute.

I do need a cigarette.

Well, allow me.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I see.

Anyway, uh, Mandy,

have I ever told you

that on a scale of one to 10,

you are a 250?

Constantly, J.J.

[LAUGHS]

[COUGHS]

Mandy, would you like to stay for dinner?

Oh, no, thank you, Thelma.

I've got to go home and change.

J.J. and I are going dancing tonight,

believe it or not.

Yeah, so, uh, let me walk you to the elevator, my dear.

Okay. Uh, it was nice to meet everybody.

THELMA: Nice meeting you too.

Yeah, nice meeting you. Hang tough.

[DOOR CLOSES] Well, Michael,

go wash up for dinner, okay?

Sure, Thelma.

[BLOWS]

Call me when it's over.

Very funny. Very--

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Virginia. How you doing?

What? You're going out with Poppo?

Oh, my-- You know karate?

Well, if you don't, you'd better learn fast,

because let me tell you about that man.

He is a little bit too much... [DOOR CLOSES]

J.J., did you ever tell me I was a 250?

"Constantly."

[COUGHING]

J.J.: Okay.

I'll talk to y'all later, man.

Be hanging tough.

[COUGHING]

All right, Penny. I'm back.

I'm ready to play house.

J.J., do you like Mandy better than me?

Mandy? I don't like Mandy at all.

Then why are you going dancing with her?

I'm not going dancing with her.

I just broke our date.

I hate women that smoke.

Now you tell me.

Hey, Penny, what's wrong?

You look sort of humdrum.

Hey, between me and you,

did you have any of Thelma's soup?

Hey, I heard that, buddy.

And for that, you're not getting any dinner.

You promise?

Uh-oh! The couch!

What--? Hey, Penny!

[ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE]

And that's how I put out the fire.

I dumped Thelma's soup on it.

Oh, Penny,

what you're really saying is that you started the fire.

I'm sorry, Mama.

Those stupid cigarettes.

They'll kill you one way or they'll kill you another.

Penny, do you know how serious this could have been?

The whole building could have burned down.

Everybody could have been burned to death. Do you realize that?

Yes. Have you learned a lesson?

Oh, I did. I promise I won't do it again.

Penny... Okay.

Why would you wanna do something silly

like smoking a cigarette anyway?

I wanted to be like Mandy.

I thought J.J. would like me better.

Penny, I do like you...

when you're not burning up our furniture.

I just wanted to be glamorous.

Penny, smoking isn't glamorous.

Look at me. I don't smoke.

Thelma, don't confuse the child.

I'm sorry, everybody.

That's all right, baby. I'll take care of it.

That's all right, Willona. We needed a new couch anyway.

One good thing did come out of all of this, though.

What? We got a chance

to get rid of Thelma's soup.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

[***]

* Mmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm *

* Just lookin' Out of the window *

* Watchin' the asphalt grow *

* Thinkin' how It all looks hand-me-down *

* Good times * * Hey, yeah *

* Good times *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs *

* Good times *

* Easy credit Rip-offs *

* Good times *

ANNOUNCER: Good Times was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

* Good times *