Original subtitles

* Good times *

* Any time You meet a payment *

* Good times *

* Any time You need a friend *

* Good times *

* Any time You're out from under *

* Not gettin' hassled Not gettin' hustled *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs *

* Good times *

* Easy credit Rip-offs *

* Good times *

* Scratchin' And survivin' *

* Good times *

* Hangin' In a chow line *

* Good times *

* Ain't we lucky We got 'em *

* Good times *

...for all, I do not go out on blind dates.

I know we've been out before,

but in my book, you are still a blind date.

Why?

Because you are cheap.

Cheap, cheap, cheap!

Nobody orders pizza with nothin' on it.

Hey, wait a minute.

And remember, you still owe me for that Egg McMuffin. Ha-ha.

Oh, yes, you do. Bye, Clarence.

You know, Thelma, I thought it was cold outside,

till I walked in here

and heard you talkin' to that cat on the phone.

Michael, what happened to your coat?

Well, let's just say I donated it

to someone less fortunate than me.

Michael, you gave away your good winter coat?

Well... Not exactly, Thelma.

It got ripped off.

Um...who is this person less fortunate than you?

The sucker who did the rippin' off.

'Cause when I catch up with him,

not only will he be minus my coat

but I'm-a kick out his two front teeth.

Aw, Michael, that's terrible.

You're gonna catch pneumonia out here without a coat.

Yeah, I know. But you know we can't afford it.

What happened to all that money you made workin' after school?

Well, some of it I used for lunches,

and some of it I used to help buy Ma's wedding present.

And the rest, I spent it on Cindy Thompson.

Ah, well, you're gonna have to forget about

that little Cindy Thompson for now.

Hey, now wait a minute, Thelma.

I ain't got no winter coat now.

I gotta keep warm somehow.

Here's the mail.

J.J., all these bills.

Gas bills, phone bills, electric bills. Oh.

Thelma, just pay the heat bill.

My nose feels like an icicle.

If I blew it, I'll tear my handkerchief.

I think the three of us better have a meeting

so we can get together and discuss our finances.

Finances?

[LAUGHS]

We don't have any, Thelma.

Meeting adjourned.

Yeah, Thelma, don't get all uptight.

If you need some money, I'll just write out a check.

J.J., we don't have any money in the bank.

That never bothered Burt Lance.

J.J., you got your paycheck, right. Where is it?

Right here on my arm, girl.

I got myself one of them computer watches.

Look here, Michael.

This watch tells the day, the minute, the second.

And it even adds, multiplies, divides and subtracts.

And I got one of them double readouts here.

J.J., Michael's coat got ripped-off today

and he needs a new one.

These bill collectors are down our backs

and you're gonna waste your money on that.

Thelma, I'm the only one at the advertisin' office

without a watch.

Every time the boss ask what time it is,

everybody else looks on their wrist.

Me, I gotta go downstairs 22 flights on an elevator,

go around the corner, stand in front of the bank,

wait for the temperature to finish...

Fahrenheit and Celsius.

Go back upstairs 22 flights, sit down at my desk,

tell the boss, "It's 11:10,"

and the boss say, "Wrong. It's 11:30."

Hi, everybody.

Look what I won for figure skating.

That's marvelous! That's great!

J.J.: That's wonderful!

My coach said I did a perfect figure eight.

Oh, good. Oh, yeah?

One day, I'll show you how to skate it the hard way.

Two fours.

[LAUGHS]

Hi, everybody.

THELMA: Hi, Willona.

Come on, gimme some sugar.

Mm. Was you a good girl today?

Uh-huh. Guess what.

I got a guess what too.

Me first. Go ahead.

I won this for figure skating.

Junior division.

Oh, I like your guess what.

And just for that, I'm gonna buy you

a brand-new ice-skating outfit.

And I'm gonna pay for it with my guess what.

What happened, Willona?

Honey, I got me a bonus.

Dig this.

Willona Woods, Sherlock Holmes' younger, darker sister,

caught herself a professional shoplifter today.

Was it dangerous, Willona?

Honey, it happened so fast, I couldn't even think.

You know, I was leavin' the boutique section

on the way to a break,

and suddenly, this pregnant woman ran out the store,

and I got suspicious.

Willona, what's so suspicious about a pregnant woman?

Honey, the chick was 83 years old.

I notified the store detectives, and they went outside.

And, honey, before you could say Kojak,

that woman gave birth to a 7-pound alligator purse.

[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]

Oh, that ain't funny though.

You know, shoplifting has become an epidemic in this country.

Yeah, and who ends up paying for it?

We do. Through higher prices.

Honey, but check out who they catchin'.

Doctors, businessmen and children from wealthy families,

you just name it.

Willona, they can't help it,

they're kleptomaniacs. Hmph.

Well, they been helpin' themselves to plenty.

And they're called grabomaniacs.

Like the one who stole your coat today, Michael.

Oh, Gramps, honey, that's cold.

Yeah, I was too.

Hey, now listen. I know you're not gonna believe me,

but the department store I work in, we have

our own live-in shoplifter. Willona--

Yes, I'm tellin' you the truth. His name is Lenny the Looter.

And every Christmas,

Lenny sends all the employees Christmas cards

he ripped off during Thanksgiving. Ain't that gold.

Willona, how much of a bonus did you get?

Honey, $50.

MICHAEL: Whoa. Fifty dollars.

And that ain't all.

Mr. Rogers, head of Security,

offered me a job as a store detective.

Oh, boy. Willona, the fuzz.

[MICHAEL LAUGHS]

You didn't accept it, Willona, did you?

Ah, no, but I sure thought about it a long time.

It would mean a big raise and I sure could use the money.

I don't see anything wrong with protecting the merchandise.

Honey, I'm all for that.

But they wanted me to sit behind a two-way mirror

in the dressing room and do a little observing.

What kind of observing, Willona?

Well, sit there and watch people tryin' on clothes and--

Couldn't see me now.

And make sure they don't rip nothin' off from the store.

Willona, that's an invasion of privacy.

Yeah, they call it protection, but I call it dirty pool.

[CHUCKLES]

That is why I told them there are two things Willona don't do.

I don't do windows and, honey, I don't spy.

Don't spy.

Right on, Willona.

If some stranger would be

lookin' at me get undressed,

they better have a good reason.

And a strong stomach.

J.J., we gotta get together, and see what we can do

about gettin' Gramps a coat. Now, I got that $50--

That's all right. We don't need your money. It's okay.

Hold it, honey. Now, listen.

They ain't no way in this world I'm gonna let Gramps go out

in this cold weather without a winter coat.

Willona, we-- We just can't take your money.

I mean, if it means working at another job and...

24 hours a day, I...

I guess Thelma and Michael just gonna have to do it.

I have some money in my piggy bank you can have.

Money in your piggy ba--? Money in her piggy bank.

You hear that, Thelma?

[LAUGHS]

How much you got?

Aw, that was sweet, baby. Come on.

Uh, J.J., would you mind goin' down to the store for me?

I'm gonna make a special spaghetti tonight,

and I forgot one thing: the spaghetti.

Look here, Thelma. That's like asking a condemned man

to go get his own rope.

Um, Mike would you go for me?

Nah, I'm goin' up to Cindy Thompson's apartment.

Oh, come on. You're goin' up--

You're goin' up there again?

Just keeping warm, Thelma.

Just keeping warm.

Thelma, go. I'll put the water for the spaghetti.

Okay, thank you, Willona. Okeydokey.

Don't forget to take the meat balls out the refrigerator.

In the refrigerator?

The child got the meat balls in the freezer.

And they say I can't cook.

Willona. Huh.

How come Michael has to go up to Cindy's to keep warm?

Uh...'cause you'll find out when you get older.

Oh, then it has something to do with sex, huh?

Now, why would you say that?

Well, anything I have to wait to find out until I'm older

either has to do with the world situation or sex.

And knowing Cindy Thompson,

I don't think it's the world situation.

Whoo. Ho-ho.

You get over there and set that table.

Penny, I'm so proud of you winnin' that skatin' trophy.

I wish I was there to see you.

I bet you were terrific.

Terrific? Uh-huh.

I was-- Dy-no-mite.

Whoo. All right.

Mr. Davis said he wouldn't be surprised

if they picked me for the Olympics someday.

Olympics. Are you serious?

Mr. Davis said what I need now is to take lessons

from another coach, a top pro,

one who's trained other Olympic champions.

Nothin' but the best for my Penny.

Honey, we'll get you one.

Mr. Davis said these lessons would cost money.

Mm-hm. A half-hour lesson is about $10,

and I'll need two a week.

Two a week. Uh-huh.

Whew...you did say two a week?

Right.

Well, ah, that's not too bad.

That's only...$80 a month.

And Mr. Davis said--

No, never mind what Mr. Davis said, honey.

Hey, listen. How do you really feel about it?

I love to skate.

I wish I could spend half of the day on ice

and the other half with you.

But we can't afford it, can we?

Well, not on the money I make, honey.

But you sure love that ice-skatin', don't you?

More than anything, Mama.

What'd you say?

More than anything.

I mean that last word.

Mama?

Mama.

That sounded so good, I had to hear you say it twice.

Now, you know what you do,

you tell Mr. Davis that your mama said

he can arrange for those lessons.

But we can't afford it, can we?

Now, don't you worry about nothin'.

Just take this gold cup here,

and go home and put it on our trophy shelf.

What trophy shelf?

The one we starting right now.

Okay. [LAUGHS]

[DIALING]

Mr. Rogers in Security, please.

Willona Woods.

About that job you offered me.

You know, the one observing that I turned down?

Well, I changed my mind, honey.

I now do windows, and peep through 'em too.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, okay. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Heh. Welcome aboard, Woods.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Rogers.

Uh, tell me, Woods, what prompted you to change your mind

and join us here on the Security team?

Well, uh, being a woman, I said,

"Willona, that job is definitely not for you."

Huh? But being the mother of a child

who needs lessons I can't afford, I said,

"Don't listen to that woman, honey, take the job."

You made a wise decision, Woods.

[SIGHS]

According to the dossier I have on you here--

Y-you, uh...have a file on me?

On everyone.

Says here you're alert, observant, loyal, trustworthy.

Hmm. Uh-huh.

And in the employees' restroom,

when I wash my hands,

I never use two paper towels when one will do.

[LAUGHS]

You can put that in your dossier.

It's already in there.

Now, I think you'll be wanting to know

a little bit more about the job that you'll be doing:

preventing inventory shrinkage.

I beg your pardon?

Shoplifting. Oh.

Gotta be on your toes, Woods. On your toes.

You see, there's no outstanding characteristic

that identifies a shoplifter.

No. Hm-hm. Oh, no.

They come in all different shapes and sizes.

Like Lootin' Lenny.

Lootin' Lenny...

You get a Christmas card too?

Every year.

I wouldn't want this to get around, Woods,

but in a strange sort of way, I...I like Lenny.

He's loyal.

Gives us all his business.

Uh, Johnson, will you step in here, please?

Johnson'll be your supervisor.

You just report right to her.

Johnson, meet Woods.

Newest member of our Security team.

Woods, Johnson. How are you?

I want you to show her all the ropes.

Certainly, Mr. Rogers.

If you'll come with me. Hold it, Woods.

Don't forget our motto.

WILLONA: Motto?

Yeah. "When they snatch 'em, we catch 'em."

Ha-ha.

J.J., what are you doin' home?

I'm on my lunch break. Where's Miguel?

He's in the bedroom.

Well, check this out.

Oh...

J.J., you got Michael a coat.

How'd you do it?

Well, I calculated in my head

what I couldn't calculate on my watch.

and I came up to the conclusion

that my little brother was more important

than the correct time.

So I took the watch back and got him the coat.

Oh, J.J., I'm so proud of you.

Thelma, my lunch ready yet, gal?

Not yet.

Mr. Miguel.

Wha--? Ha-ha.

Guess what J.J. did for you.

Hey, J.J.-- Man, you took back your watch?

I appreciate it, man.

You know, you're the best big brother there is.

J.J., I'm makin' a sandwich for me and Michael. You want one?

Thelma, just a minute ago, I was a hero.

Now you're tryin' to bury me next to the Unknown Soldier.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I'll get it.

S'up, Bookman.

Hey. I just want you folks to know

if you hear any suspicious noises

coming from Miss Woods' apartment, it's only me.

What kind of noises?

I'm fixin' her shower.

That's suspicious, all right.

Hey, I resent that.

For one thing, I'm a very conscientious worker.

Number two, Nathan Bookman takes very good care of his tenants.

And besides, Miss Woods slipped me 5.

Willona's been goin' crazy, since she got that bonus.

I don't know nothing about a bonus.

She told me she had a new job. What new job?

Oh, Willona must have taken that position with Security.

You mean, watching women undress?

That's awful. That's terrible.

But if she ever miss a day,

I'll be glad to take her place.

Hey, what's this about watching women get undressed?

I wonder why Willona did it.

She was so against it last night.

Yeah. Well, you know, I talked to my political science teacher,

and he thinks it's a violation of the Fourth Amendment,

the right for the people to be secure in their own persons.

Yeah, but what about watching women get undressed?

Bookman, will you calm down?

Anyway, you know some security guards are not even policemen?

They can arrest you without even readin' you your rights.

And some of them can hold you for as long as they want

before they call the cops.

Yeah, but I wanna know about watchin' women get undressed.

Bookman, shame on you.

Now, unless you fix that shower and get on out of here,

I'm gonna tell Mrs. Buffalo Butt on you.

I wonder why Willona took that job.

Yeah, she probably really needed the money.

And I know why.

You know, Willona knows I don't have a winter coat.

Oh, yeah, Michael. And you know how

she feels about you. Yeah.

I guess one of us ought to go down to the store

and tell her she doesn't have to do it.

Well, I can't do that 'cause I have an exam this afternoon.

Yeah, J.J., and I got a basketball game.

Well, I don't like the way this election was rigged, but...

I'll do it myself... at great personal sacrifice.

I won't eat Thelma's lunch.

Woods.

What are you doing?

I'm just checkin'. She-she can't see us.

Heh. Now, if you observe anybody sticking an extra bra

in their bra or in any way confiscating merchandise

you are to call me immediately on that hot line.

Yeah.

[SCOFFS]

Honey, you ain't gonna make it, even with a shoe horn.

No sense pulling it in front,

it's just gonna come out the back.

Well, I have to leave you now.

Good luck, Woods. Yeah.

Damn.

I'm sorry, young man, but you can't see her.

Miss Woods is on assignment.

She won't be available for, oh, about an hour.

An hour. But I'm on my lunch break.

I gotta be back to work by then.

I'm sorry, lad, but you don't seem to understand.

Rules are rules. I run a tight ship here.

So did the captain of the Titanic.

Say, blood, what you think you doin'?

What?

Look, man, find yourself another store.

This is my domain.

Who are you?

I'm Lootin' Lenny.

And when you buy from Lenny You save yourself a good penny.

For the last-minute gift

Be it wedding, graduation Or bar mitzvah

Lenny won't let you wear it Unless it fits ya.

And no extra charge for the gift wrappin'.

Uh, look here, bro. I'm a little busy right now.

You got a business card?

Look here, blood. I don't have any just now.

But I'll be passin' the stationery store

on my afternoon run.

I'll send you one.

You called me? What is it, Woods?

Miss Johnson, I've been sitting here for three hours

watching people dress and undress, and...

I don't think I can hack it.

Just first-day jitters, Woods.

We all go through it.

Couple of days, it won't even bother you.

That's what I'm afraid of.

[SCOFFS]

Why don't you break and get a breath of fresh air.

Fresh air, that's just what I need.

It's me.

You don't have to do this anymore.

Michael's already got a coat.

It's me.

It's J.J. Check it out.

You don't have to do this. Come on out of there.

Everything's fine.

Who are you?

Uh...don't you recognize me?

I'm Pam Grier.

Ooh.

Whoo. Huh, am I glad you weren't here, Woods.

Why, what happened? Some skinny pervert

dressed in women's clothing was banging on the mirror

and yelling all kinds of weird things.

Hmm, in a place like this, that doesn't surprise me.

Ha. How was the fresh air?

Well, it cleared my head, got me to thinkin'.

I got to thinkin' about all the people

that were paradin' in front of me.

What do you mean?

Like the college student that came in this mornin'

to try on a skirt and had on torn underwear.

She probably dressed in a hurry. Thought that was her secret.

Now, what right did I have to watch her?

It is the store policy--

And then there was a nun that came here to try on a slip.

Now, what she had under her habit

was a private affair between her and God.

Don't you think you're getting a little carried away?

Well, not far enough.

How about the skinny lady with the falsies?

Now, if her hairdresser doesn't know for sure, why should I?

Woods, your job is to catch shoplifters.

That is just the point I'm tryin' to make.

Not one of those ladies were shoplifters.

And neither am I.

Now, I put myself on the other side of that mirror.

I don't have on underwear that's torn, and I don't wear falsies.

And if I did, that would be my business.

Now, when I go home to undress, I pull down the shade.

'Cause I don't want nobody watchin' me there.

And I don't want nobody watchin' me here.

Woods...

Now, Woods, now, listen-- Johnson...

How would you like it if somebody was watchin' you?

Woods, I am going to pretend that I did not hear any of that.

Now, you sit down there

and you do the job that you are being paid for.

[DOOR SLAMS]

This is the pits.

But turnin' away ain't gonna solve nothin'. Ain't gonna--

Hey, hey, hey.

That's shopliftin'.

Miss Johns-- Mr. Na--

Hey. Hey, you're the one

that makes it rough on everybody else.

Hey, fool.

You wanna end up in jail.

Put them blouses down, and get out of here like a--

Girl, you better hurry up and get out of here.

How's it goin', Woods?

Great.

Why did you let that woman go?

What woman?

The woman that was trying to steal the blouses.

Wait-- You mean, you were watchin' me?

On the closed-circuit TV.

Ain't that a blip.

The watcher's bein' watched.

Can't trust anybody, as you just demonstrated.

Why did you let her go?

Let's say I just couldn't help myself.

Because, you see, this spy business makes me sick.

I don't get it, Woods.

I understand you took this job because you needed extra money

for lessons for your little girl.

You realize what you've done means you're fired.

I realize my daughter's lessons will have to wait.

'Cause I couldn't look at myself in a one-way mirror.

And what I did, honey--

You can't fire me, 'cause I quit.

Huh. I knew you weren't Security material.

All right, now, ladies. Mr. Rogers.

This is a ladies' dressing room.

Oh, my goodness...

Mr. Rogers, I'm sorry, but I had to fire Woods.

I do the hiring and firing around here, Johnson.

You asked me to keep an eye on her.

Yeah, well, I've been keeping my eye on you.

And I think I'm beginning to get some idea

why we can't keep any people in Security anymore.

You had me under observation, Mr. Rogers?

Oh...

How do you like that.

The watchers of the watchers are bein' watched. Ha-ha.

Ahem. Why don't you ladies step into my office

and we'll talk this out.

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]: This is the vice president of Personnel speaking.

Will all you people please come to my office.

[***]

* Mmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm *

* Just lookin' Out of the window *

* Watchin' the asphalt grow *

* Thinkin' how It all looks hand-me-down *

* Good times * * Hey, yeah *

* Good times *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs *

* Good times *

* Easy credit Rip-offs *

* Good times *

ANNOUNCER: Good Times was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

* Good times *