Original subtitles

* Good times *

* Any time You meet a payment *

* Good times *

* Any time You need a friend *

* Good times *

* Any time You're out from under *

* Not gettin' hassled Not gettin' hustled *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs *

* Good times *

* Easy credit Rip-offs *

* Good times *

* Scratchin' And survivin' *

* Good times *

* Hangin' In a chow line *

* Good times *

* Ain't we lucky We got 'em *

* Good times *

Hey, Thelma,

I figured out exactly where the honeymooners are today.

Oh, yeah? Where?

Yeah, well, from my expert calculations,

Ma and Carl should definitely be in Oklahoma City.

Or Amarillo, Texas.

Or Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Well, wherever they are, I sure hope they call.

If you were on your honeymoon, would you call your kids?

Michael, if I were on my honeymoon,

I wouldn't have any kids.

You're not gonna have any sauce, either,

'cause it's boiling over.

Oh! Well, that's good.

It's starting to thicken.

Thicken? Thelma, lumps don't count.

The Gagging Gourmet strikes again.

Uh, Michael, how would you like it

if I didn't show at your school carnival?

You'd have to get somebody else

to run your dumb old kissing booth!

Well, that's fine with me,

'cause you can always be replaced by a Saint Bernard.

I think you mean

one of the little girlfriends you go out with.

Yeah, and what about them turkeys you date?

Oh, Michael, don't start again.

[PHONE RINGS] You started with me.

Go answer the phone. I'll get the phone.

Yeah, you better! Get off my case, sister!

Hello. Oh, hi, Ma.

Aw, no, Ma, we weren't hasslin'.

It's Ma! It's Ma! Let me talk.

Ma, guess what.

I've been elected chairman of our school carnival.

You're in Flagstaff, Arizona.

[LAUGHS]

That's exactly where I said you were.

Hey, Ma, how's the honeymoon goin'?

Michael, you can't ask your own mother

how her honeymoon's goin'.

What'd she say?

She said, "Have mercy!"

Whoo-hoo!

[LAUGHING]

All right, let me talk, let me talk.

Hi, Ma.

Yeah, we're fine. Uh-huh.

How's Carl? Aw, that's good.

Hey, Ma, you know you caught me

right in the middle of cooking dinner.

Uh-huh, I cook dinner every night.

Honestly, Ma, we're fine.

Guess what happened to me on the bus today.

Hey, J.J., Ma's on the telephone.

There was the craziest little girl that got on--

Ma's on the phone!

Uh-huh. Hey, Ma, J.J. just walked in. Here he is.

Hello there, Mrs. Dixon.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, Ma.

How's married life treating you?

Ma says she felt the earth move.

Ha-ha!

That means she and Carl are really in love.

No, there was an earthquake.

Yeah, Ma, everything's fine.

Don't worry, I won't miss my dental appointment next week.

Ma, you're on your honeymoon.

How come you asked me about my dental appointment?

They're at the Grand Canyon.

Uh, Ma, can I speak to Carl for a minute?

Hey, Carl, yeah, Brother J on this end.

Hey, uh, look here, Carl.

Uh...you left the ceremony so soon,

we didn't have a chance to talk man-to-man.

You know y'all had all those tin cans and shoes

tied behind the back of your car.

Yeah, well, look here, Carl,

as the man who gave away the bride

and, uh, as the number one son around here,

I feel that it is my duty...

to tell you this:

one of them pair of shoes was mine.

And-- Give me the phone!

Hi, Carl. Heh-heh.

Don't pay J.J. no mind.

You know, you just take good care of Ma

and be happy, huh?

Yeah, we're gonna miss both of y'all.

So have fun, all right?

And if you thinkin' about bringin'

any little babies back in here--

Yeah, Ma, that was him again. Heh-heh. Okay. Bye-bye now.

Oh, Ma sounded great.

Like she's really enjoying connubial bliss.

Nothing like two people connubiallin' together.

Hey, J.J., finish tellin' us what happened on the bus.

Oh, yeah, Michael. It was the funniest thing.

You know, this little girl gets on the bus.

She don't have any money.

So this real mean bus driver is gonna throw her off.

Oh, that's funny.

Anyway, she looks at me

with those real "Mr. Blues City" eyes and says,

"Mister, could you loan me 50 cents?"

Only I didn't have any extra change.

Hmm, it gets funnier and funnier.

So, anyway, I guess I really felt sorry for her.

So I stood up and went to the front of the bus.

Naturally as soon as I stood up, some woman took my seat.

Anyway, I says to the whole bus as I'm a-standin' there,

I says, "Er-rah-ha-ha,

brothers and sisters-a-ha..."

[HUMMING]

I says, "Brothers and sisters-er-uh,

"you see standin'-uh before you here-uh...

"You see standin' before you here-uh...

"a sweet innocent child

"about to be evicted into the cold, hard street

by the mean, cold star-a-hera-ha of this bus."

Thank you!

I says-er-uh,

"are we going to tolerate-a this act of pettiness?!

"I personally say no.

"Could we sleep tonight, knowin' that this poor child

has been forced to pedestrian--" Say what?!

Say-a, "Pedestrian... All right.

"...the polluted streets here of Chicago!

"I say no.

"In other words,

are we gonna turn our back on this woeful waif?"

MICHAEL & THELMA: No!

"Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!

"I want y'all to e-ee-eee-eeease

"your hands down into those pockets, purses and pants

"and come up with the heavy cash.

"Not the jing-a-ling

"Abraham Lincolns and George Washingtons.

"I'm talkin' about the Benjamin Franklins,

"the Grover Clevelands.

And contribute to the salvation of this little lamb!"

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

And the funny thing about it was,

she collected so much money, Michael,

she was able to take a cab home.

[LAUGHS]

Even the bus driver chucked in a buck.

Aw, J.J., you can be all right when you wanna be.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

J.J.: The girl was the craziest little girl in the world.

This is probably Willona. She may have smelled the food.

Hi.

Is he here?

Is who here?

I don't know his name,

but he's tall, skinny and beautiful.

Hold on now. Tall and skinny we got, but beautiful?

Hi!

How'd you get here?

I followed you. J.J., who is it?

J.J., what a super name.

It's the little girl from the bus.

Heh. Is there something you want?

Uh-huh, him.

Well, you can't have me.

Are you married?

No.

Then I canhave you.

[THELMA CHUCKLES]

Well, maybe she's lost.

Um...

Uh, does your mother know you're here?

I don't have a mother. I live with my aunt.

Oh. Well, what about your dad, huh?

Uh, he never comes out.

He's got leprosy.

Hold on, I didn't know we had leprosy in this country.

Leprosy is when your fingers fall off.

I thought I saw him lose a thumb.

[LAUGHING]

Well, uh, what happened to your forehead?

Oh.

I was jumping rope.

* Cinderella Dressed in yella *

Then I got hit by the knot in the rope.

Hey, what's your name?

Esmeralda.

You were so nice on the bus.

I want to live with you.

Uh, you can't do that.

Yes, I can. I'm not married, either.

You're the most wonderful person in the whole world.

Yes, we all know this.

But, look,

we gotta take you back to where you belong.

Can I belong with you?

I could sleep on the couch.

No, you can't do that

'cause, see, that's where me and Michael here sleep.

It'll be a little crowded,

but I guess Michael can stay.

Thanks a lot.

Do you people ever eat around here?

'Cause if you do,

I wouldn't mind being a guest.

Esmeralda, we would love having you,

but, uh, what would your aunt say?

What aunt?

Uh, the aunt you live with.

Ohhh.

You mean Aunt Drucilla. Mm-hm.

Uh, I was thinking about Aunt Elizabetty.

Poor Aunt Elizabetty.

Something happen to her too?

She got ran over by a popcorn cart.

Ooh, I'll never forget her lying there,

all covered with melted butter.

Uh, er, uh,...

Why don't we have a little dinner,

then you can tell us where you belong,

and then I could take you home.

Would you like that?

Dinner, uh-huh.

Going home, uh-uh.

Well, I gotta go wash up.

Where you going?

I wanna wash up too.

Uh, look here, Iz.

Uh, sometimes "wash up" doesn't mean wash up.

Ohhh.

Then if it's all the same to you,

I'll wait outside.

Hi, y'all. THELMA: Hi, Willona.

Oh, girl, I am so beat today.

I couldn't even stay for dinner, even if you asked me.

Even if you said pretty please and put some saccharin on it.

[CHUCKLES]

Even if you begged and pleaded.

Even if you got down on your knees

and ruined your best pantyhose doing it.

Sure wish you'd change your mind, Willona.

Hmm. Well, you talked me into it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh. Well, well, well, whose little girl are you?

Her name is Esmeralda. She followed J.J. home.

Oh, Lord, I remember the last time J.J. was followed home.

It was by a cat, came in the house,

went under the bed and--

You ain't gonna have no kittens, are you?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I'll get it. Ahem.

Good evening, folks.

Bookman, what do you want?

We were just gettin' ready to eat dinner.

Look, I ain't got no time for small talk.

One of the new tenants reported a lost kid.

Says she never showed up after school.

What she look like?

Oh, she's about age-- About 10.

She's about 4-foot-7.

She's wearing a red T-shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers.

Anybody seen her?

Uh, ruh, what color socks?

Ha-ha!

What're you hiding, J.J., huh?

My booty, Bookman.

Well, your booty's wearing a red T-shirt.

Well, I'm glad I found you. I've looked everywhere.

You wouldn't have seen me if J.J. was fatter.

You should have hidden behind Bookman, Esmeralda.

Then you would have been lost forever.

Esmer-what-a? Her name is Penny.

Hey, you told us a fib.

Uh, Esmeralda's my play name.

My real name is Penny, short for Millicent.

You know, cent, Penny. Get it?

Oh, yeah. I get it, honey, I sure do.

My ex-husband used to call me Willie.

That's short for: "Willona, I'll be home late tonight."

And Bookman here is Buffalo Butt.

Um, Penny, you didn't tell us you lived in this building.

And what were you doing downtown?

Um... Uh...

The school bus got hijacked.

Five kids jumped on the bus and said:

[DEEP VOICE] "Take us downtown."

Hold on, Penny. Wait, wait.

You don't expect us to believe that?

Well, the truth is,

I went downtown to see a old Mae West movie.

And I love Mae West movies.

Uh, you not puttin' us on again are you, Penny?

[IMITATING MAE WEST] Well, if it isn't the men in my life,

it's the life in my men.

[IMITATING MAE WEST] Those are my sentiments exactly, big boy.

[IMITATING W.C. FIELDS] Well, that's all well and good.

But right now, this little chickadee's

gotta go back where she belongs.

I wanna stay with J.J.

But you know you can't do that.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let me handle this, okay? Come here, little girl.

How would you like to go bye-bye with Uncle Nathan?

Huh?

I'll buy you a gweat big wowwie-pop!

What do you say to that?

No way, Mr. Buffalo Butt.

Uh...

Why don't I take you home where you belong?

[SIGHS]

I guess so.

Okay.

I'm crushed.

Mr. Buffalo Butt,

you gonna buy me a big lollipop and take me home?

Ga-ga-goo-goo.

[LAUGHING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Is that you, Penny? Well, it's about time, you--!

Thank goodness you're all right. Where have you been?

I've been so worried. Well, it's a long story,

but Penny can tell it better than I can.

Oh, well, thank you so much, Mr.--?

Evans. J.J. Evans. I'm your neighbor upstairs.

Oh, well, I'm Mrs. Gordon. Lanella Gordon.

Oh, you must be Penny's aunt.

Her aunt? Why, no, I'm her mother.

Oh, but Penny said that she--

Well, Penny, she likes to make up stories. Heh.

I'm sorry, Mama. I won't do it again, I promise.

But tell her about the movies. You know:

"It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men."

You do that very well, Mr. Evans.

Well, oh, maybe if I talk to your husband,

we could straighten this whole thing out.

Well, I'm not married.

Ah, but Penny said that she had--

Well, heh, it's like I told you, she likes to make up stories.

Listen, thank you so much

for bringing her home safe and everything.

Oh yeah, sure. Bye. Bye-bye.

Didn't I tell you to come straight home from school?

Yes, Mama.

But you disobeyed me, didn't you?

Yes, Mama.

[SIGHS]

You make me very unhappy, Penny.

And you know what happens to children that make

their mamas unhappy.

I locked it.

I knew that would be the first place you'd try to hide.

Please, Mama, I promise I won't be a bad girl anymore.

Please, I won't be a bad girl anymore.

Please, I promise.

Please!

Oh, no, Mama, please!

Please don't do it!

Please!

Yeah, and J.J. said something's not right about Penny, Willona.

He says she acted sorta strange around her mother.

[MUTTERS]

Yeah, and all those wild stories she told.

Well, of course, J.J. could be imagining things.

And anyway, we shouldn't get involved.

[MUTTERING]

But on the other hand, Ma always said

you should never be reluctant to get involved

when a child's well-being is at stake.

[MUTTERING]

Hey!

Guess what Alderman Davis gave to our school carnival.

WILLONA: Let's see. Ta-da!

Come on, nobody wants a picture of Davis for a prize.

Prize, my foot!

This is the perfect target for our dart game.

Let's see now. Whoo-hoo.

Great news, great news.

The ebony prince of pulchritude has stormed

the princess' castle.

Well, while you were storming the castle,

I think you got smacked by the drawbridge.

Thelma!

Oh, again!? Aw! Stand still!

[SIGHS]

Well, I finally got this cute little receptionist,

Charlene, to agree to recept with me tonight.

Well, we are going out in style.

Hers or yours?

She's got the van and I am the man.

Charlene can't be too cool 'cause she's dating a fool.

Thelma, Thelma! Heh. Aw!

Thelma, Thelma, that did it. That did it.

I just shortened your left knee.

Hey, has that silly little kid been around here today?

No. She sure is a cute little kid.

You know, if I had a kid like that,

I'd kiss her and hug her and love her to death.

But I don't have a kid like that,

so what am I talking about?

Well, I gots to hustle.

Thelma, I got it. The-- The hem is absolutely straight.

But...

The floor kinda slants. [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I'll get it.

J.J.: If that's Charlene, tell her I'll be out in a minute.

Hi, Penny. Come on in. Is J.J. home?

J.J.: I'm just freshening up!

He's home. WILLONA: Hi.

How are you? Fine.

Oh, look at this doll. So cute.

Penny, why did you, uh, tell us you didn't have a mommy?

Oh, uh, I was just pretending.

Oh, like your father having leprosy.

Oh, come on, Penny, his thumb didn't really fall off, did it?

It could have been his nose.

He has a terrible time wearing glasses.

J.J.: Here I come, my chérie.

Ready or not!

J.J.!

You're excruciating.

Well, you know. What can I say?

I thought you were Charlene.

I'll be Charlene if you want me to be.

Charlene's taller.

I'll be taller if you want me to be.

Charlene is my date for the evening.

Oh.

Hey, Penny, how'd you like

to come to our school carnival tomorrow?

I can get you in for free. I'm the chairman.

Is J.J. going?

I have deigned to grace

the sophomoric event with my august presence.

Does that mean he's going or not?

Heh. We're all going in costume.

As you can see, Thelma here wears her mask all the time.

Then I guess I can't go. I don't have anything to wear.

Well, don't you worry about a thing.

Willona just happens to have a magic costume room.

I'll be right back.

Willona, a costume room?

Trunk of old clothes, honey.

J.J., you want to play house with me?

I don't think so, Penny.

I'm a real dumbo when it comes to playing house.

Why don't you ask Michael there?

Uh-uh. Michael's gotta play chairman.

Besides, I have to stop down by Ferguson's Funeral Parlor

and pick up some folding chairs he's got down there. Later.

Aw, come on, J.J., please.

All right, uh, Penny, but-- I'll play house with you

but just for a little while.

Okay. I'll be the mother and you be the uncle.

Hey, Penny, do you have an uncle?

Lots of them.

Now it's time for the baby to go to sleep.

Say goodnight to Celeste.

Later, Celeste.

Oh, give her a kiss.

Do I have to?

You know something,

when it comes to playing house, you are a dumbo.

Mwah.

Now take her in your arms and rock her to sleep.

Thelma, help me!

When I was little,

I would have loved being rocked to sleep.

Come on, J.J., go ahead and rock her. That'd be cute.

Go on, rock her.

* Rockabye baby On the treetop *

* When the wind blows The cradle will rock *

Sing. [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

* When the bough breaks *

* The cradle will fall *

* And down will come baby *

* Cradle and all *

Hello, J.J.

Oh!

Ha-ha-ha!

Hello there, Charlene.

I was just helping the kid out with her little doll.

He was playing house.

Well, J.J., you have a hidden talent.

And let's hope that it stays hidden.

Uh, this here's my sister, Thelma.

Hi, Charlene. And our little neighbor, Penny.

Hi, Penny.

He's mine. I saw him first.

J.J., would you mind if we got started? We're late as it is.

Sure. Right away. Uh, see you later, Thelma.

THELMA: All right. Goodbye, Penny.

J.J., please don't go.

Uh, J.J., we're late.

I love you, J.J. I just love you.

Uh, yeah, Penny, uh, could I talk to you tomorrow?

You rotten, lousy kid.

It was all your fault.

If you would have been good, he would have stayed.

You rotten, lousy kid!

Penny, look what I got you.

Used to be a mini on me,

but it'll be a beautiful gown on you.

Isn't that beautiful?

Thank you, Willona.

It's so pretty, isn't it, J.J.?

J.J., come on.

Yeah, in a minute. Uh, it is pretty.

Want to see it on me?

Hold it now.

First we've got to take off your sweater.

Don't go away, J.J.

Honey, uh, what happened to your arm here?

Uh, uh, I think I burned myself.

Hey, how could you burn yourself like that?

Um, I tripped over my pussycat and I fell against the stove,

and there was a pot cooking with hot chocolate,

and it spilt all over my arm, with marshmallows.

Uh, you never told us you had a pussycat.

I don't believe this. Now it's pets.

J.J., are you coming or aren't you?

Look here, mama, you ain't double-parked out there.

I mean, first things first.

You can see Penny's hurtin' here,

so just take a number and wait in line.

Well, I never--!

And at this rate, you never will.

I'm sorry, J.J.

Well, that's all right.

She was just your normal,

everyday groovy, foxy, fantastic lady.

But you, kid, you're something special.

Oh, no!

WILLONA: Oh, my God, Penny, what happened?

Uh-- Uh, I fell.

I always fall.

My feet are all thumbs.

Come here, babe.

Now, uh, Penny, I, uh--

I know that you like to pretend.

But I want you to tell me the truth, okay?

Who burned you?

Honey, who beat you up?

Who did those terrible things to you?

Penny, tell me, who did this? [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hello there. I've come to take Penny home.

Honestly, Mama, I didn't tell them anything.

I didn't say a word. I didn't tell them anything.

Uh, te-- Tell them about what?

What would you have to tell them?

[***]

* Just lookin' Out of the window *

* Watchin' the asphalt grow *

* Thinkin' how It all looks hand-me-down *

* Good times * * Hey, yeah *

* Good times *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs *

* Good times *

* Easy credit Rip-offs *

* Good times *

ANNOUNCER: Good Times was videotaped in front of a studio audience.

* Good times *