Original subtitles

* Good times Any time you meet a payment *

* Good times Any time you need a friend *

* Good times Any time you're out from under *

* Not gettin' hassled Not gettin' hustled *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave when you can *

* Temporary layoffs Good times *

* Easy credit rip-offs Good times *

* Scratchin' and survivin' Good times *

* Hangin' in a chow line Good times *

* Ain't we lucky we got 'em? *

* Good times **

Hey, Daddy, you can fix just about anything, huh?

Well, I don't want to brag, son, but yeah.

[LAUGHS]

J.J., what you painting?

I'm painting that fine-looking lady

who just moved across the way.

See?

You must be desperate,

painting someone in another apartment.

Well, I gotta get my models somewhere.

I just wish she would hold still.

Why can't she be like Whistler's mother

and just sit in the chair?

J.J., you're crazy.

Oh, why's she--

Just hold still, baby.

Just...take it easy.

No, no, no, just take it e-- Calm down.

Ta-- Ah--

Yeah, good. She's still.

She's making a telephone call.

Good.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

I'll handle it.

Hello.

What you mean, what I'm doing?

I'm immortalizing you on canvas.

Well, if you feel that way about it, pull down the shades.

She did.

That'll teach you to stick your nose

into other people's windows.

Hey, J.J., why don't you paint a picture of Thelma?

Mm. I'd rather paint the shade.

The way you paint,

you need to pull a shade over those paintings.

Excuse me, Daddy. Mm-hm.

Excuse me, Michael.

[KNOCKING "SHAVE-AND-A-HAIRCUT"]

Sounds like Willona.

Yeah. Get the door, Junior.

I am now getting the door.

Woo-wee.

Good morning, one and all, in the Evans house of locks,

where security is tighter than a vault in Fort Knox.

Yeah, but it ain't tight enough.

Nowadays, they're even stealing the locks.

Yeah, it's rough out there.

The Tidy Bowl man traded in his rowboat

for a battleship.

Oh, go on.

Hey, James, you're still trying to fix that old lamp, huh?

Yeah.

Hi, Willona. Hi.

Are you ready to go down to the laundry room?

I think so. All right--

Let's see if we got everything.

Detergent. Detergent.

Bleach. Bleach.

Police whistle. Police whistle.

What's the use?

You whistle and the police don't come.

Maybe they don't have no laundry to do.

Ma, why don't you take J.J. down

and put him in the washing machine?

His head is always going around in circles anyway.

Well, the ghoul of the ghetto has spoken.

J.J.

You know, Ma, instead of taking them police whistles down there,

y'all should take a picture of Thelma.

That would definitely scare away the mugger.

You should talk.

You ought to donate that face to medicine

so they can find a cure for it.

Your face is--

[ARGUING]

All right, now, that's enough.

Baby, you want me to go down there with you?

I'm a combat veteran, you know.

But come to think of it,

Korea wasn't half as dangerous

as that laundry room.

Oh, that's all right, James.

Cora Washington's coming with us,

and she carries a Louisville Slugger

and swings it harder than Hank Aaron.

I'm done.

Are you ready to go into battle?

Ready.

My only regret is that I have but one life to give

for my pantyhose.

Oh...

All those locks on the door, and not being able

to go down to the laundry room without protection...

this is no way to live.

Maybe we should move to one of those fancy security buildings

on Lakeshore Drive.

No, they'd never take us.

We ain't got no French poodle for the doorman to walk.

Hey, I know. We could put a leash on J.J.

Daddy, I think there'd be

a lot less crime around here

if we had more black cops.

Well, don't bet on it.

If you're a crook in this neighborhood,

old age'll get you before the cops will.

Yeah, look what happened

when Mama got her purse snatched last week.

We called the police right after it happened,

and they haven't shown up yet.

Well, I still think

the answer is more black cops.

No, no, Michael, the answer is the manly art of self-defense.

Karate.

Ha!

Ha!

As you can see, my entire body is a deadly weapon.

Yeah, looks just like a spear,

only your hat's covering the point.

I just don't believe it.

WILLONA: I can't either.

Y'all sure got back fast.

Yeah, we sure are, and we bring with us

some good news and some bad news.

The good news is we didn't get mugged.

The bad news

is somebody ripped off the washers and dryers.

Yeah, the dudes around here

would steal the shine off of Kojak's head.

James, I have just about had it

with all the muggings, the assaults,

stealing everything that ain't nailed down.

It's just more than one human being

should have to put up with.

Oh, now, calm down, baby.

Things are going to get better.

I don't see how,

when your Avon lady is selling brass knuckles and tire chains.

And all of them locks on the door.

Quiet as it's kept,

they ain't going to keep nobody out

if they really want to get in.

Look, baby, don't worry about that no more,

because anybody breaks in here, they going to get broke.

Because I got a bopper, a popper, a real crime stopper.

James, a gun?

That's right, a gun.

And the line for crime is drawn at that door.

Anybody that doubts it,

I'm going to make a believer out of them real fast.

Daddy, where'd you get it?

Getting a gun in the ghetto is easy.

All you got to do

is look in the yellow pages under "violence."

Anybody can get a gun anywhere.

Inside Chicago, outside Chicago, it don't matter.

Daddy, do you have a permit to own that gun?

Yeah, I got a permit.

I permit me to own a gun.

Hey, ain't that one of those Saturday night specials?

Mm-hmm.

I hear they go off

if you even breathe on them hard.

Oh, James, I'm afraid of guns.

Oh, Fl--

They're dangerous to have around the house.

Florida, ain't nothing to worry about.

Ain't nobody going to touch the gun but me. Oh!

Good decision, Dad. Good decision.

But suppose you're not here, and I must protect

the more defenseless members of the family

against some lawless intruder.

Can I get a rod and waste him?

Junior, if trouble breaks out

and I ain't here, you do what you do best.

Yell for help, hide in the corner

and shake till I get here.

I don't want nobody touching this gun. Nobody.

Is that clear?

Honey, I'm sorry, but--

I just can't relax with a gun in the house.

Florida, the way them streets are nowadays,

we can't make it without a gun.

Yeah, Ma, Dad owning that gun

is the same as you owning that whistle.

You got your style of blowing the dude away,

and Dad's got his.

James, James--

Huh?

If somebody did break into the house,

would you actually use that gun on them?

Is fat meat greasy?

Gee, Thelma, this is the best breakfast

you ever made in your whole life.

All I did was pour some cereal out of a box.

I didn't do nothing else.

That's why it's the best breakfast

you ever made in your whole life.

Get out of here.

J.J., you want some milk?

No, thanks, Thelma.

Not without your makeup on,

because with your face you'll probably curdle it.

Look, do you want some breakfast or not?

Now, don't be fixing me no breakfast.

My stomach don't have no food poisoning insurance.

That's right, because after you collected

on that accident you call a body,

they canceled the policy.

Well, maybe I should use your insurance company,

Ugly of Omaha.

[ARGUING]

All right, you two. That's enough.

Now, I don't feel like listening to that stuff this morning.

I already got a headache. Sorry, Ma.

Thelma, get a dollar out of my bag,

go down to the drugstore, and get me some aspirins.

All right, Ma.

J.J., you go wash up.

Oh, Ma, why I got to wash up?

Why can't I be like Thelma and just spray on some cologne?

You're just jealous

because the only spray they make for you is Raid.

Hey! Ma!

Thelma, will you get going!

I'm going, Ma.

Hey, look at this. Will you check this--?

Hey, good morning, Dad.

Go wash.

Good morning.

You didn't sleep too good last night, did you?

What would make you say that?

Two elbows to the jaw, a knee to the ribs,

and a left hook to the chops.

Well, I was a little restless,

but I didn't mean to keep you awake.

You didn't.

That last elbow put me out like a light.

James, you know,

I really couldn't sleep good last night.

Just thinking of having a gun in the house scares me.

Well, then, quit thinking about it.

How can I quit thinking about it when it's still here?

Anybody in this house could get ahold of that thing.

Oh, now, Florida, I told you,

ain't nobody going to touch the gun but me.

I'm going outside and practice some shooting.

Oh, my God!

Baby, he's talking about basketball.

Later.

You see how nervous I'm getting about that gun?

Baby, you making a big deal out of nothing.

Nothing?

Did you read that article in The Defender?

It says that in the United States

someone was shot every minute with a gun.

That dude must be awful full of holes by now.

James, that ain't nothing to be making no joke of.

When people keep guns in the house for protection,

80% of the victims are husbands, wives, relatives,

and good friends,

and it's far worse with blacks than with whites.

Which means we ain't going to have to worry about tomorrow,

because we are killing it off today.

Now, Florida, guns don't kill people.

People kill people.

With guns.

And it ain't going to stop

till some of these politicians

get the guts to outlaw them.

Well, they ain't going to outlaw guns,

because the bad guys will always find a way to get them.

Well, maybe,

but there wouldn't be so many good guys dead

if it wasn't for other good guys' guns.

You know something, baby? One of these days,

you going to thank me for getting that gun.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Maybe, but it ain't going to be no time soon.

Yes?

Miss Evans? Yes.

I'm Patrolman Wigmore, and I'd like to talk to you

about some stolen property.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

My mother didn't steal anything.

You apologize to this lovely lady.

Don't say a word, Ma, till we get a lawyer.

Get lost, Junior.

Ma'am, what I want to ask you about

is property that you reported stolen last week.

Oh, yes, yes, come in.

Thank you.

Come in, please.

Thank you.

Uh, in our preliminary report

it says a man stole a bicycle from a Mrs. Evans.

It wasn't a bicycle, Columbo. It was a purse.

Oh, yes, a purse from a Miss Georgia Evans.

And it's not Georgia, Barnaby Jones.

It's Florida.

Now, the man who committed this crime,

can you tell me anything about him at all?

Yes.

He runs fast.

Tell me something, officer.

How come you didn't come around here

when we first reported this thing?

Well, Mr. Bevens--

That's Evans.

Uh, Evans.

Crimes are being committed here so fast,

we can hardly handle them,

but, uh, we're making sure

that law enforcement is the same here in Chocolate City

as it is out in the vanilla suburbs.

Yeah, but in the vanilla suburbs,

the cops come in two scoops, whipped cream, and a cherry.

All we get here is sprinkled nuts.

Ma, Dad!

Thelma!

Baby girl, what happened? Oh, my God.

On my way home from the store, a man grabbed me, and he tried--

Baby, are you hurt?

Please, officer, do something.

Yeah, don't just stand there, man.

Do something. Now, come on. Do something!

All right, already.

We're going to check it out.

Just be calm.

What do you mean, calm down?

You heard what happened. What did he look like?

Daddy, I don't know.

I started kicking and scratching and screaming, and he ran off.

Don't you worry, sweetheart,

those policemen are going to find him.

Yeah, man, you better get on the case.

Otherwise, I have to go out there

and look for the dude,

and no telling what's going to happen

once I get into action, because he's in trouble, Jack.

Miss, can you give us a description at all?

I don't know.

It happened so quick.

All I remember

is that he was wearing a leather jacket.

All right, now, you got a description.

Get moving.

Evans, a man wearing a leather jacket

ain't no description.

He's gone.

Your daughter says she's okay.

So, uh--

What do you mean, "So, uh"?

Can't you see she's hysterical? She was attacked.

That's a hell of a lot more than "So, uh,"

so get moving, man.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

We're gonna check it out,

and, by the way, Miss Evans, uh,

if we happened to come up with anything

on your stolen bicycle, I'll let you know.

The fuzz.

I'm telling y'all, nowadays

you can't count on nobody but yourself.

That's the truth.

James.

James, what you doing?

We going to check it out. Fat chance.

No, I ain't letting no dude get away with putting his hands

on my daughter. James, now, wait a minute.

But, Daddy, I'm all right.

How do you know? You're hysterical.

James, please, no!

All right, Florida, where is it?

Where is what?

You know what. The gun. It's gone.

I knew something like this would happen.

I just knew it.

Now, Florida, I don't want to hear a whole bunch of them

I-told-you-so's.

Where's the gun?

James, I didn't take that gun.

Well, if you didn't, who did?

Who did?

James, I don't know who took that gun,

but you better believe I didn't.

Florida, how do you expect me to believe that

when you the one said you wanted me to get rid of it,

and you couldn't sleep with it in the house?

And I am also the one who is so afraid of a gun

that if I laid one finger on a gun,

I'd turn white as a sheet.

And if that don't prove Ma's innocent, nothing will.

James, I never wanted a gun in the house,

but, believe me, I didn't take it.

Well, the gun didn't just jump

out of the box by itself.

Now, somebody in here moved it.

Well, don't look at me, y'all.

Guns are made for killing.

I ain't no killer.

See, I'm a lover.

See, to me, a Saturday night special

is getting a chick to say yes

after she said no six other nights of the week.

Thelma?

I didn't bother that gun, Daddy, honest.

Please, James, she's been through enough for one day.

I'm sorry, baby girl.

Florida, are you trying to prove a point?

No, James.

Now look, baby, you ain't never lied to me

all the years we've been married.

Now, don't start now. Did you have anything at all

to do with the gun disappearing?

James, I haven't seen that gun

since you showed it to me yesterday.

Well, the gun didn't just jump out of the box.

It got to be around here somewhere.

Maybe you didn't put the gun in that box like you thought.

Maybe you put it someplace else.

How can I put it someplace else when I put it in this box?

But it still won't hurt to look around for it, James.

All right, we'll look.

We'll look for it.

And we'll look very, very carefully.

Good.

J.J.: Yeah, all right.

Daddy!

James, please!

( clamoring)

James!

I ain't looking for no Good Housekeeping Award!

I'm trying to find a loaded gun.

Well, do you have to look for it like a bulldozer?

It don't matter how I look for it, as long as I find it.

Don't look like I'll find it in this room.

Well, maybe it's in some other part of the house.

Thelma,

go search the bathroom, and I mean search it good.

Don't worry, Dad, I got eyes like an eagle.

And a face like a beagle.

Junior, you go search in the kitchen.

I'm checking, Dad, I'm checking.

Come on, Florida, let's look in the bedroom.

Oh, James.

Oh.

James, please.

Oh, James, please stop it.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Now, Florida, I can't be looking for no gun

if you going to stand there

playing "this is the way we fold our clothes."

Go look in the closet.

All right, James.

That ain't no way to look for nothing.

James, I'm just as worried about that gun as you are,

in fact, more worried.

Ah, damn it.

It ain't in here either.

Let's see if the kids found it.

Oh, James, don't be ridiculous.

Any luck, Thelma?

No, Daddy, it wasn't in the bathroom.

How about you, Junior?

I didn't find the gun, Dad,

but I did find this Tootsie Roll pop.

What now, James? I don't know what now.

All I know is, I put that gun in this box

and put this box in that closet.

Well, then, maybe a moth ate it.

Wouldn't be too hard to find.

All you have to do is look for a pregnant-looking moth.

James, maybe you hid that gun

real good someplace and just forgot where.

Oh, Florida, I don't forget things.

Hey, Flo--

Where did you get your new layout from,

Better Homes and Garbage?

You can thank my interior decorator here.

The Black Tornado.

Well, I ain't going to hardly get into that mess.

I just came by to see if you heard the news.

Yeah, we heard the news, Willona.

Now, go home. James.

I ain't in the mood to hear none of that Mickey Mouse gossip.

This ain't no Mickey Mouse gossip, grumpy.

A five-year-old kid on the third floor

accidentally shot himself this morning.

Oh, my God. What?

It was like you read in the papers all the time.

A child plays with a gun and it went off.

And from what I hear,

nobody knows where the gun came from.

Well, somebody must know where it came from.

It must belong to somebody.

Somebody must have stole it or...lost it.

No. It-- It can't be.

Can't be.

What kind of gun was it, Willona?

I think they said a .32.

Oh, thank the Lord, James.

It wasn't one of them Saturday night things.

Florida, my gun was a .32.

James, no.

Now, wait a minute, baby.

Don't you start thinking nothing like that.

There are a million guns in this country.

Who's to say that that gun was yours?

Florida, a man knows what he knows.

Oh, James, it still don't have to be yours.

Will somebody please tell me what's going on around here?

Daddy's gun is missing, and we can't find it.

Oh, God.

Willona, uh, this kid that got shot,

was he--? Is he--?

James, James, hey, I don't know how serious it is,

but I'll go see if I can find out, okay?

Thanks, Willona.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Come on, James.

Now, don't start persecuting yourself like this.

You didn't have nothing to do with it.

I as good as pulled the trigger.

Come on, Dad, it's not your fault.

I mean, probably somebody snuck in here

while we were sleeping last night

and ripped us off for the gun.

Junior, you think that makes me feel any better?

A kid wouldn't be hurting now if I hadn't had a gun to steal.

It was supposed to be for protection,

but who in God's name did it protect?

Hey, what's going on here?

Y'all fixing to move without telling me?

Please, Michael, we ain't in no mood for no joking.

A little boy in this building

accidentally shot himself this morning.

I know, but his brother told me he's doing pretty good.

He is? Yeah.

FLORIDA: Thank God.

What's going on?

Your father's gun is missing, Michael.

We think that somebody stole it last night,

and somehow it wound up with the kid who was shot.

The gun that shot him wasn't Daddy's.

Oh, it was mine,

and don't tell me no different.

But, Daddy, it wasn't your gun.

Last night I started wondering what would happen

if you really ever lost your temper?

Mm. So I took it.

Michael, you took--?!

Yeah, I took it, and I hid it.

You hid it? Where?

In the bottom of that lamp you were fixing yesterday.

Here it is.

Yeah, that's it, all right.

I recognize that any place.

Looks just like me. Slim, black, and...dyn-o-mite!

Oh, Michael, I could kiss you.

Please, Thelma, don't get carried away.

Aw.

I never thought having a gun in the house

could make me feel so good.

Now, get rid of it.

No, baby, we still need it for protection.

I'm glad for what you did, Michael,

but I'm going to still have to punish you,

because I told y'all I didn't want nobody touching this gun,

and you did. I'm sorry, Daddy,

but I just didn't want to see you do anything

that might have gotten you into trouble.

He's right, James.

But, Michael, that gun is no toy

for you to play with.

Mama, I'm no dummy.

I had enough sense to take the bullets out

before I hid it.

See?

[GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMING]

* Just lookin' Out of the window *

* Watching the asphalt grow *

* Thinkin' how It all looks hand-me-down *

* Good times Good times *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs Good times *

ANNOUNCER: Good Times is recorded on tape

before a live audience.

* Ain't we lucky we got 'em? *

* Good times **