Original subtitles

* Good times Any time you meet a payment *

* Good times Any time you need a friend *

* Good times *

* Any time you're Out from under *

* Not gettin' hassled Not gettin' hustled *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave when you can *

* Temporary layoffs Good times *

* Easy credit rip-offs Good times *

* Scratchin' and survivin' Good times *

* Hangin' in a chow line Good times *

* Ain't we lucky we got 'em *

* Good times **

* Deck the halls With boughs of holly *

* Fa la la la la La la la la *

* Kid Dy-no-mite Is cute and jolly *

* Fa la la la la La la la la *

* I think J.J. Is off his trolley *

* Fa la la la la La la la la **

Oh.

Here, Thelma.

Okay.

J.J, hang this on the door for me, honey.

Okay, Ma, but we better put this under lock and key.

Why?

Because the way things disappear around here,

even Santa Claus could be a rip-off artist.

What else is missing?

Just the main part of a still life I was painting.

Two onions and two apples.

J.J., didn't you read my note?

I owe you two onions and two apples.

Signed, The Mystery Mama.

Well, Mystery Mama, what you wanna rip-off my models for?

For the turkey dressing.

And wait till you taste it.

Where's your cousin Naomi?

In the bathroom, as usual.

Yeah, she spends more time in there than the Tidy Bowl man.

Now, look, children,

it's been three years since your cousin Naomi,

your Uncle Oscar and your Aunt Millie

have been down here to see us from Fayetteville.

And, Thelma, honey, I want you and Naomi

to try to get along better.

You're about the same age. You should have a lot in common.

Ma, I try to be nice, but she's strange.

What you mean?

I mean, like, she laughs a lot at almost anything.

Thelma, what's wrong with a good sense of humor?

Yeah, Ma, but she laughs at the shower curtains.

Well, I don't care.

I think it's just wonderful to have kin visiting us.

Naomi, is there anything else you need, honey?

No, Aunt Florida, I'm just fine. I'm soaking in the tub.

That's good.

There's some things about Christmas I sure don't like.

Oh, what's wrong now, Michael?

You know that ugly Charlotte McDaniel on the first floor?

Well, I was walking by, and she opened the door and said,

"Michael, can I talk to you for a minute?"

So I went over there, and before I could do anything,

she pointed to the mistletoe over the door

and kissed me right dead on the mouth.

Yuck.

Well, Michael, you always said you believed in black unity.

Here was a chance for you to join in.

Mama, she had lipstick on, and I hate lipstick.

She make me sick with her old ugly self.

I hate lipstick too.

When I kiss a female, all I wanna taste is female.

Hey, Daddy, you look neat.

Yeah, I am as clean as a chitlin.

Real handsome, Daddy.

Oh, thank you.

Boy, you look sharper than a wax dummy

at Marshall Field's department store.

Now, Junior, you sure got a way with words.

Where you going, Daddy?

Oh, they're having a little Christmas jam

down at the car wash.

Oh, that's nice.

Boy, what a great place to have a party.

You can get washed, dried, spray-waxed

and bombed all at the same time.

Baby, you sure you don't want to come along?

Oh, honey, I wish I could, but I got a turkey dinner to fix.

It's gonna be nine of us.

Yeah. Well, look, I ain't gonna be down there that long,

just grab my bonus and split.

I just hope it's something decent this year.

Oh, I'm sure it will be.

Yeah, well, you remember that jive job I had last year.

The boss promised me something extra in my Christmas envelope,

I got it too. A note saying, "You're fired."

I'll bet this Christmas gonna be different.

This one's gonna be great.

We got a lot of food on the table.

We all got our health, and we got family visiting with us.

Florida, I almost forgot. What?

I got to get downtown and meet Oscar and Millie.

I promised to show them some of the sights of Chicago.

Bye. See you later, baby.

Okay, love.

Daddy, if Naomi's folks are interested in some weird sights,

we could start right here and give them a tour of J.J.

Hey, now, look who's talking.

The girl who celebrates Christmas

by looking like Halloween.

Don't hit me. Come on.

I'd like to stick around here

and watch the holiday festivities,

but I got to get moving. See you all later.

See you, Dad.

Say, where's Naomi? She's in the bathroom.

That girl's in the bathroom again?

Damn, she likes to stay clean, don't she?

I know what to get her for a Christmas present now.

A bunch of free passes to the car wash.

Now wait a minute.

I don't like your making fun of my side of the family.

When did I ever laugh at your side of the family?

By the way, did we get a card this year

from that bowlegged cousin of yours?

The one with the nappy toupee

that keeps blowing off in the wind.

James!

Just jiving, baby, just jiving.

See you all later.

Okay.

And, Florida, don't burn the bird.

Oh, go on.

Mama. Yes, honey?

Is Naomi gonna get out of there soon?

I gotta use the necessity room.

She'll be out in a few minutes, honey.

In a few minutes? Oh, Lord.

Look, children, your cousin Naomi is shy.

She's just a little country girl, remember.

You know, J.J., you could help her out with that shyness.

Why don't you take her out once and a while.

Ma, you wanna ruin my reputation?

What reputation?

I'll have you know,

you're looking at the Casanova of the Windy City.

Speaking of windy--

Oh, dear. See who that is, J.J., please.

Okay, Ma.

Hi, y'all.

Hey, Willona.

Hey, now, season's greetings From the family and me

If you ain't a partridge Get out of the pear tree

God bless you too, Skinny Tim.

Here's some decorations for the tree.

Oh, thanks. Catch, J.J.

Right on.

Oh, Florida, tree looks beautiful.

Thank you, Willona.

How'd you do down at the boutique?

Did you get a nice bonus?

Girl, let me tell you about this.

The boss called the whole staff around and said,

"Well, as you all know, this year has not been

"the best economically for the country.

"Or for the boutique.

"But however, in keeping with the spirit of the season,

there is something for each and every one of you."

So we all cracked up and said, "Right, right on."

And you know what she gave us? What?

A sequined W.I.N. button.

W.I.N.? Hey, Willona, that stands for "Whip Inflation Now."

Wrong. Around here, it stands for "We In Need."

And where's Naomi?

She's in there again?

Still.

She's having a great time in Chicago.

All she's seen so far are the plumbings.

Shh.

"Shh" what?

I think Miss Clean's about to make her debut.

There goes the chair from underneath the door,

and here come Miss Clean!

Oh, J.J., you cut that out.

Now, you know there's no chair in the bathroom.

Well, I see you're all gathered together.

Hi, Naomi.

Hi, Willona.

I just love hot baths.

Steam really makes the skin smooth.

But it sure wrinkles the wallpaper.

Oh, J.J., you're funny.

Isn't he funny, Aunt Florida?

Well, we never considered him a threat to Redd Foxx.

You're funny too. Now I see where he gets it from.

Naomi, can I go in there now, please?

Sure, Michael. Thanks.

Oh, Michael, let me make sure I didn't forget anything.

Dry skin cream, wet skin cream, dry skin cream remover,

wet skin cream remover,

dry and wet skin cream remover and neutralizer.

I wish you had something

that would remove you from that bathroom.

If I run across any empties,

I'll bring them back for a deposit.

Oh, Michael, I did forget something.

Oh, Naomi. Oh, excuse me.

I think Michael's time is running out.

J.J., why don't you take your cousin Naomi

to meet some of your friends,

now that she's all freshened up from her steam bath.

Ma, I can't take Naomi out in this cold air,

with her pores all wide open.

The hawk will whistle through her body so hard

it'll be playing "Dixie."

There. That takes care of everything.

Say, I got some last-minute shopping to do.

Look, I won't be long, sweetheart.

Oh, that's okay, Aunt Florida.

Willona, why don't you come go with me.

Oh, great, because I gotta get some more parsley

and some more okra to finish what I got to do.

Finish what?

Stuffing the ham I'm cooking.

I'll be outside. Okay, Willona.

Hey, Ma, where you going?

To the market.

If you're going to be carrying groceries

through this neighborhood,

you'll need me along to ride shotgun.

Come on.

Hey, Ma. What?

I know it's the season to be jolly,

but somebody done ripped off our holly.

Come on, baby.

Naomi.

Another beauty treatment, Naomi?

Thelma, I was just having a glass of water.

It's really good for the system, you know.

I know the water in Chicago has a lot of things in it.

But I never knew it was 80 proof.

Flo, you got this place looking

like the main dining room at the Plum Plaza.

Two tables, no waiting, hey.

Well, if it wasn't for your tables and chairs

we would have to make two settings,

or else put five at the table

three on the couch and one on the floor.

It's sure is a lot of extra work on you, Ma.

Oh, I don't mind, honey.

I'm just so happy to have kinfolks at Christmastime.

It sure puts me into the holiday spirits.

I know someone who's really into the holiday spirits.

Hey, baby, you better set another place.

Oh, you invited somebody else?

Yeah, set a seat for Mr. Jack Daniel's.

Oh, Uncle James, that's so funny.

"Set a place for Mr. Jack Daniel's."

Daddy, did you get a bonus?

Didn't I? Can I get a...?

Hey, hey.

Hold this, Willona. Okay.

Here, baby, open this.

Twenty-five dollars! Oh, James that's wonderful!

That sure beats a W.I.N. button!

Mama, I'm going into your room gift wrap some more presents.

And I don't want no more peeking, okay?

Okay, baby boy. All right, no more peeking.

Speaking of peeking, I've been peeking at this bird.

Where'd you get it, Weight Watchers?

Well, it weighed 12 pounds before it was plucked.

Plucked, it looked more like it was mugged.

Say, Naomi, your folks say that they was going to stop over

to see some old friends on the Southside,

so they'd be here shortly, hear?

Well, in that case, I'd better put some more makeup on.

Hey, James, if you're pouring,

I'll join your little holiday toast.

No, no. James, don't open this one.

We got one open back here.

All right.

I'll get the glasses all together here.

Yes. I'll do the pouring.

Okay. Start it off right.

That's good. For you.

And for you.

I'll have a little water with mine.

Let me have some water too, please.

Hey, Flo, how about you?

Oh, you know I don't drink.

Come on, Flo. It's the Christmas holiday.

A little taste won't hurt you.

Come on. Just a little one.

Well....

Ooh!

Florida, that ain't enough to baptize a gnat.

Flo, James, here's to a wonderful holiday.

I'll drink to that. Cheers!

Why does there have to be so much drinking around here?

I don't know what you're talking about.

There's not much drinking around here.

Yeah, baby, I mean, that last bottle of bourbon

we had lasted from your birthday to Michael's birthday.

Now, that was almost 10 months.

I'll drink to that.

See? See what I mean?

"I'll drink to this," "I'll drink to that."

Any excuse.

I'll drink to that!

Willona, that's not funny.

Thelma, what's the matter?

I'll be with Michael if you want me.

That's not like Thelma. I'm going to talk to her.

Baby, you know kids, they're just like yo-yos, up and down.

Now, just sit down and enjoy yourself here. Come on.

Maybe you're right.

Now, where were we?

"I'll drink to that."

Yeah, that was good. Now, where's the whiskey?

That smells like Chicago water.

Tastes like Chicago water.

Well, Chicago water got everything in it except whiskey.

This smells like water too.

Now, somebody's been emptying these bottles.

Now, who the hell would do something like that?

Who would use a glass and put it back up here without washing it?

James. Smell that.

That's booze.

And that's J.J.'s glass.

Yeah, but baby, you know Junior don't drink no booze.

Nobody in this family does.

Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find out who's been boozing.

I was reading an article

that listed the warning signs of an alcoholic.

The things to look out for are forgetful, defensive,

uncoordinated and exaggerated sense of one's own importance.

Exaggerated sense of one's own importance?

Yep.

That couldn't be anybody in this family.

That's what the book said.

Ahh!

The holiday season has just begun

And here he is your favorite son

Kid Dy-no-mite!

An exaggerated sense of one's own importance.

Now, cut that out. J.J., where you been?

I don't know, Ma. Just kind of out messing around.

Forgetful. Stop it, you two.

J.J., honey, why can't you tell Mama exactly where you been?

Hey, how come everybody's picking on me?

Defensive.

What the hell you got to be so defensive about?

Who me? J.J.!

Uncoordinated.

Oh, you two, stop that.

Junior, come over here.

Now that's a weird walk if I ever seen one.

Now James, your son's been walking like that

ever since he took his first step.

Junior, you been drinking?

Oh, wow. How did y'all guess?

Oh, no.

Well, it was Christmas so I got a jug and Lester got a jug

and mixed my red Kool-aid with his green Kool-aid.

Merry Christmas!

[INDISTINGUISHABLE GREETINGS]

Oh, James!

Florida, honey,

you shouldn't leave the door unlocked like that.

Hungry Rogers could come in.

Hey, Oscar, Millie, you remember my good friend, Willona.

Hi! Nice to see you again.

Out of all the family and relatives we've been visiting,

we feel most at home with you.

Yeah, maybe that because everybody else

tells us to go back to our own home.

It might have something to do with your appetite, Oscar.

We picked up a little something to help out the dinner.

All right.

Let's get this holiday under way.

Neither me or the turkey are gonna can make it on one wing.

Now, Oscar, you know the doctor warned you not to drink so much.

Oh, who worries about doctors?

I know a lot of old drunks but no old doctors.

And a lot of old jokes too.

Naomi, you better cool it. Your folks are here.

Why you always go around sneaking up on people?

You're so busy sneaking into bottles,

you wouldn't know if the Chicago Bears stampeded through here.

Oh, don't be square.

I'm only getting into the holiday spirit.

With you, every day's a holiday.

I don't like waiting till the last minute.

Naomi, do you know what you're doing?

"Naomi, do you know what you're doing?"

Of course I know what I'm doing.

I'm having fun.

Well, I've seen plenty of that kind of fun.

A 16-year-old boy drove his father's car

off a bridge just for fun.

A girl was babysitting and she almost

drowned the baby in the bath tub.

Now how's that for fun?

A drunken kid tried to fly off

one of the roofs like one of his pigeons.

And all this fun happened right here in this neighborhood.

What have you got to laugh about?

I don't live in this neighborhood.

Oh, you don't?

Well, there are half a million kids living in the bottle

and you live in that neighborhood.

Half a million?

Well, that's just fine because I hate to drink alone.

What's the matter with feeling good?

You don't feel good. You're an alkie--

Now wait a minute. I am not an alkie.

That's what you think.

Alcohol is the number one teenage drug problem

in the country today.

Naomi, you need help.

Don't worry, sugar. I can handle it.

Sure you can.

Well, go on. Fink on me to the family.

Goodie two-shoes.

Well, what are you waiting for?

For you to say the one thing that proves you're hooked.

And what's that?

That you can quit any time you want to.

Well, that's right. I can. I can quit any time I want to.

Everyone's waiting for you.

Well, in that case, one for the road.

Well, honey, so far I've seen more folks from home

than I have when we was in Fayetteville!

That's because they all up here!

Hi, Aunt Millie.

Hey, baby.

Lay it on me. Give your daddy a kiss.

Daddy!

Don't forget your mother.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Well, isn't somebody gonna say something appropriate

for the occasion?

Yeah, let's eat!

First thing's first, J.J. And take off your hat.

You all know every Christmas before the dinner,

Florida usually gives us a little speech,

like, and prayer--

Come on, come on!

Well, it goes like this.

We're gathered together--

Yeah, that's it, that's it.

And then she finishes up with this beautiful prayer.

How the prayer go, baby?

We thank you for this feast-- Feast.

But let us not forget those who are hungry.

We thank you for our health,

but let us not forget those who are ill.

We thank you for our friends,

but let us not forget those who are lonely.

And let us not forget our blessings

so they can be shared by all.

Now come on, baby. Do it, do it.

There's nothing to say but amen.

Well, you did that great, Flo.

I'd like to propose a toast. I'll drink to that.

But first, everybody's glass get a little taste of the grape.

First, the youngest. Michael? Oh, no, no no.

No. Michael is too young. He don't drink.

Oh, don't be silly Flo.

You want him to grow up to be a man, don't you?

Michael will have milk.

Oscar, our kids don't drink no liquor.

Oh, come on. A little wine never hurt anybody.

Naomi's been drinking wine since she was four years old.

She drinks champagne on our anniversary.

Brandy at New Year's.

And don't forget, Daddy.

Don't forget one more thing that I drink.

On Sammy Davis's birthday, it's man, oh, Manishewitz.

Naomi!

What happened?

Naomi's tossed, she's smashed. Thelma, come on.

She's drunk, mom.

Drunk?

Did you hear that, Oscar?

Hey, I know you won't believe this,

but for a while there I was afraid she was on drugs.

Thelma, Mommy, Daddy come here quick.

Hey, Michael, what's up?

What's happening? What you yelling about? What's going on?

What is it, baby?

Everything's cool.

I just figured if you guys slept all day

I wouldn't get a chance to open these presents.

Well, here's one you can open first.

It's to all of us from Santa Claus.

"To the Evans family.

"You may all have one wish for Christmas.

Signed, Santa Claus."

Thelma, you go first.

Well, I wish that something good happens for Naomi.

And that she gets help.

Oh, Thelma, that's beautiful.

Since I'm the one that plays Santa Claus for this family

my wish is that all y'alls wishes come true.

ALL: Ohh!

[***]

* Mm-mm-mm *

* Just lookin' Out of the window *

* Watching the asphalt grow *

* Thinkin' how It all looks hand-me-down *

* Good times Good times *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs Good times *

ANNOUNCER: Good Times is recorded on tape

before a live audience.

* Ain't we lucky we got 'em *

* Good times **