Original subtitles

* Good times Any time you meet a payment *

* Good times Any time you need a friend *

* Good times *

* Any time you're Out from under *

* Not gettin' hassled Not gettin' hustled *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave when you can *

* Temporary layoffs Good times *

* Easy credit ripoffs Good times *

* Scratchin' and survivin' Good times *

* Hangin' in a chow line Good times *

* Ain't we lucky we got 'em *

* Good times **

[HUMMING]

Hey, baby. How you doing?

Hi, James.

Ooh, whatever you cooking sure smells good.

Almost drowns out the Lysol in the hallway.

Ah, that's the special stew I'm making,

it's called Beef Surprise.

Beef Surprise?

Mm-hmm, every time you find a piece of beef in it,

you yell, "Surprise!"

Ooh, baby, that sure smells good.

Honey, did you find something nice for Michael?

Yeah, I got him a fine pen and pencil set.

Just look at this, baby, how you like it?

Oh, James, that's beautiful!

Yeah.

It looks like real gold!

No, that's what they call gold plated,

which means, don't breath on it too hard

or you go right through to the tin.

Oh, James, this is a milestone!

Yeah.

Oh, I just wish they had graduation ceremonies

for public school, then we could sit there proud.

Oh, don't worry, baby,

Michael will have plenty of graduations for us to go to.

He'll probably be offered more scholarships

than a 250-pound tight end.

And before you know it, law school.

That's right.

I can see him now, arguing his first case.

"Is the counsel for the defense, Michael Evans,

ready to make his closing statement?"

"I am, your Honor."

"Very well then, proceed." "Thank you.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

"whereas and wherefore we have been ipso'd and facto'd,

"as in the case of habeas and corpus

"versus Telly and Savalas...

"the prosecuting attorney has tried to prove

"that my client was drunk while driving the car.

"I will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt,

"with irrefutable proof and all juicy prudence,

that he was drunk before he got into the car!"

James, you're crazy.

Yeah, I know, but baby, that's part of my charm.

Honey, we are flying along with time

and I'm enjoying the ride.

I hear you.

You know Michael just graduated,

Thelma doing well in high school

and even J.J.'s getting by.

Have mercy.

Yeah, you know something, baby?

Hmm?

You sure turn out good stock.

Yeah, but you better turn off,

I think we got all the inventory we could use!

Hello, dear Mother.

Hello, dear Father.

Hello, dear world!

I hope you all appreciate me

as much as I'm appreciating y'all!

I think you been hitting that Kool-Aid too hard, man.

I just strolled home with my girlfriend, Henrietta.

We walked arm in arm all the way,

only stopping once for an overturned garbage can.

But I was a gentleman.

I let her step over the potato peels

and the chicken bones

while I stepped over the winos.

Love in the ghetto.

Junior, you're really going

behind this Henrietta, ain't you?

I tell you, Dad, she's the hot sauce on my ribs.

She's the bacon grease in my collard greens.

She's the fuse that sets off Kid Dy-no-mite!

Well, I don't know about Kid Dy-no-mite!,

but you're sure built like a fuse.

Mm-mm, that dinner sure smells good, Ma.

Who all's coming to dinner?

Oh, it's just the family... and Willona.

Mm. I got an idea.

Mm.

How about if we invite Henrietta over,

so you all can meet my intended?

Intended?

Junior, you ain't thinking about getting married are you?

No, but I intend to go as far as I can up to that.

Okay, J.J., call Henrietta

and tell her dinner's at 6.

Gee, thanks, Ma...

Mm.

but I already told her to be here at 5:45.

Hey, Junior.

I bet you got your nose so wide open behind Henrietta,

you forgot all about Michael's graduation present, didn't you?

Oh, now come on, Dad,

how could I forget my kid brother?

I got him the greatest present of them all,

a J.J. original, a masterpiece:

a portrait of Michael his self!

Oh...

Son, that's nice.

How come you put him in a nightgown?

That's not a nightgown, Ma,

that's the robe of a Supreme Court Justice,

which Michael's gonna be some day.

How come you painted the robe purple?

That purple has a definite symbolic meaning.

Oh, what does it symbolize, son?

It symbolizes that I'm out of black paint.

Well, if ya'll will excuse me,

I gotta go put on my party threads for Henrietta.

And thanks again for inviting her over.

Saves me the expense of taking her out for a snow cone.

Junior, get out of here!

You know something, baby? Hm?

You sure do breed good stock.

Yeah, we got a good family, James.

Yeah, you the best thing ever happened to me.

You're beautiful, you got brains,

plus you're built just perfect.

Whoop, two out of three ain't bad.

Hey! What did I tell you

about putting yourself down, huh?

Now, Detroit may be pushing them little economy jobs,

but personally I likes the big luxury models

with the soft upholstery.

At it again?

You two hug and kiss so much

nobody would ever guess you're married.

You know something, Willona?

Timing ain't one of your strong points.

How you gonna say that?

I've caught you every time, haven't I?

Hey, what is this?

That's Michael, as J.J. sees him.

A Supreme Court Justice.

Oh, that's groovy.

He's gonna make it too,

because he's got your brains and determination, James.

Oh, well, Willona, you can come in without knocking anytime.

James, Florida, had to come over here

and show you what I got for Michael's graduation.

Wait until you see what we got.

Are you ready? Ta-da!

Ta-da!

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, it's all right, Willona,

Michael's so smart he can use a set for each hand.

No, I'll get him something else.

I'll see you all at dinner. JAMES: All right.

Six o'clock, Willona.

Okay, and don't forget, I'm bringing the cake.

I got a chocolate cake with chocolate icing

with chocolate filling

and "Power to the People" spelled out in chocolate chips.

Well, you know Michael.

If it ain't black, he gonna send it back.

Come on, James, let's get changed.

After all, you know,

the father of a Supreme Court Justice

has to be properly attired at all times,

so come along, Your Honor.

All right, Your Honoress.

Watch it, James!

I was, baby. That's why I did it.

Ooh!

Hey, Ma?

Hey, Ma, we got any roll-on deodorant?

No, use the spray.

It keeps missing me.

Keep trying.

There he is, the man of the hour,

the future Nobel Winner of Prize for Smarts.

Boy, wait until you see that celebration dinner

Ma's got whipped up.

[SNIFFS]

That's Lysol.

Michael, you gots to close the door quicker.

Might not be a celebration dinner.

What do you mean? Henrietta's coming over.

I don't think Ma and Daddy are gonna be in a partying mood

when they see this letter Michael has for them.

It's the results of that IQ test I took, J.J.

That's no problem, you can pass that

with one brain tied behind your back.

What does it say?

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Evans,

"as you can see by the enclosed mark of the IQ Aptitude Test,

"your son scores among the lowest in the school.

"Based on his score it's my advice

"that instead of an academic career

your son enroll in a trade school."

Michael, why don't you want to tell me?

Now how can a kid as smart as you get such a low score?

I don't want to talk about it, Thelma.

Oh, Michael, Mom and Dad are gonna be so disappointed.

You're right, that's how come

we gotta break this to them gently and slowly.

How slowly, J.J.?

After dinner, when I take Henrietta home.

J.J., you're always thinking of yourself.

You know, you're just selfish!

I resent that statement!

Do you deny it?

No, but I resent it!

Look here, I made a lot of plans

and I don't want to see them blown away.

THELMA: I wish a good wind comes along and blows you away.

J.J.: What are you talking about--?

All right, all right,

what are you two fighting about this time?

About me.

How they gonna be fighting about you?

You sitting in a neutral corner.

Mom, Dad, this letter's for you.

But it ain't nothing that can't wait till after dinner.

J.J.!

JAMES: Hey, hey, hey, hey now!

I can't believe this.

Yeah, this don't make sense.

Mike, you get straight A's in school,

how can you get such a low score on your IQ test?

I never even bothered to finish the test.

I didn't like the questions, so I walked out.

Walked out?

Oh, didn't like the test, huh?

Didn't like it, huh?

I got something else you're not gonna like.

James, please!

Now Michael, there must be a better explanation

for you walking out than you didn't like the test.

Sorry, Mama. I don't want to talk about it.

You don't want to talk about it?

I got news for you, mister.

There ain't gonna be no graduation celebration,

no dinner, no presents,

there ain't gonna be no nothing

until you decide you do want to talk about it.

Oh, now come on, Dad, Henrietta's coming over...

[OVERLAPPING ARGUING]

[OVERLAPPING ARGUING CONTINUES]

All right, hold it. Hold it, calm down, now, hold it.

I said hold it! Hold it!

Now, son, we're talking about school. Your education.

I don't want you to give me no more of that

"I don't want to talk about it" jive.

Michael, you just might have messed up your whole future

flunking that IQ test.

Furthermore you're messing up my future with Henrietta.

Mom, can I borrow your needle and thread,

I'd like to sew those lips up.

Oh, now, come on, I'm a part of this family,

and I have a right to speak my mind.

And after one word, your mind is empty.

Now look who's talking about empty.

Why don't you take that head back of yours

to the store and get a deposit on it?

At least my head is--

All right, that's enough now. That's enough.

I said that's enough, now.

Michael, we had high hopes for you.

We didn't figure on you going to no trade school.

Now wait a minute, there ain't nothing wrong with trade school.

You learn a lot of things there.

And besides, a lot of plumbers make more than lawyers.

Junior, your membership in this family

is getting shakier by the minute.

Michael, come here, honey.

Hey-- Oh!

Honey, you never walked away from a test before.

Tell us what's really bothering you.

Mama, they don't know it,

but that IQ exam was nothing but a white racist test.

Oh Michael, how could it be a white racist test?

All school children take it, of all colors.

Yeah, but this one was given by the white people,

made up by white people and even graded by white people.

It don't tell you how smart you are,

just how white you are.

That's why the average black score

is 15 points lower than the average white.

Yeah, but son, you ain't average.

Michael, you can pass any man's test in any color.

Maybe so, Daddy, but a lot of black kids can't.

The black community is different,

it has a different language and culture altogether.

You mean to tell me everybody don't eat chitlins for dinner?

And speaking of dinner...

Junior, I'm warning you,

I'm getting ready to tear up your birth certificate now.

They asked questions on the test like this:

"Complete the following phrase, Cup and..."

and you have to choose from four words,

wall, saucer, table or window.

You know what my friend Eddie put down?

JAMES: No. Cup and table.

Because in his house,

they don't have no saucers to put under the cup.

You know something, when I was a kid

we didn't have no saucers to put on the table either.

Huh. My house, we didn't have no table.

And speaking of cups, saucers and tables...

about dinner...

THELMA, FLORIDA AND JAMES: J.J.!

And get this question:

"A mother, father and two children

"live in a five-bedroom residence.

"The mother and father sleep in one bedroom

"and each of the two children has a room to himself.

How many guest bedrooms are there left?"

Now how many kids in the ghetto

even know what a guest bedroom is?

Yeah, the only guest room we got around here

is when somebody puts a sleeping bag in the bathtub.

I didn't mention nothing about dinner.

You know there are not many kids around here

who have a bedroom to themselves.

And how many of them even heard the word "residence"?

That's right, to them it's a pad or a crib.

What you're trying to say then, Michael,

is it's hard to get the right answers

when you don't understand the questions, huh?

That's right, Daddy.

And Daddy, white students didn't do so good

when they took the black intelligence test.

Oh, now, Thelma, you know there ain't no such thing

as a black intelligence test.

Yes there is, Ma. It was made up by a black psychologist,

and when he gave the test to white students

they scored 35 points lower than black students.

Whites scored lower than blacks?

Mm-hm.

In that case I'm going to demand

they add points to my test!

No matter how many points they add,

you'd still be below normal.

Oh, yeah? What about street smarts?

Give me that hat.

Hey, Ma, you see that?

[HIGH-PITCHED] Hey, Ma, you see that?

Hey, Junior, you see this?

Listen. Any of you kids got any idea

where I can get a copy of that black intelligence test?

Sure, Ma, I sent away for a copy of it. I'll get it.

What you got in mind, baby?

I got in mind that we oughta pay a visit

to that guy who says Michael ought to go to trade school.

Mm-hmm.

Come on, baby, we got time.

Yes, lord.

Thelma, you look after that stew.

Okay, Ma.

And could you all hurry along?

Henrietta will be here at 5:45.

Will you get your mind off Henrietta?

And get your behind off the door.

See you later, Dad.

Mr. Hargrove?

[LOUDER] Mr. Hargrove?

Oh, Miss Edwards, I didn't hear you come in.

I was so engrossed in these statistics.

Miss Edwards, did you know

that the intelligence of the average sixth grader in Peoria

is 1.23 different from the average in Chicago

and 2.7 different from the average in New York?

That's fascinating, isn't it?

Oh, yes, Mr. Hargrove.

There's a Mr. and Mrs. Evans here to see you.

They don't have an appointment,

but they're very anxious to speak with you.

Well, send them in.

Yes, sir.

Yes, you may come in now.

Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I say...

[CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY]

Uh, yes?

Yeah, we're Mr. and Mrs. Evans.

Oh, well, please sit down.

Thank you.

Intriguing.

[TITTERS]

Intriguing.

Fort Lauderdale is only .073 different

from Anchorage, Alaska.

That's nice.

Well, uh, what can I do for you?

Oh, our son brought this letter home.

It's the result of his IQ test.

Oh, yes.

I recommended trade school, yeah.

Oh, your son's score was low, very low.

JAMES: Yeah, but see, the reason he got such--

He brought down the general average by .0037.

He got a low score because he didn't finish the exam.

Well, now, that's not unusual.

See, some pupils just can't think as fast as others.

Well, now, would you like to know

the percentage of those who didn't finish the test?

No, no, we ain't in here--

It happens to be 12 and fourth-eighths percent--

Oh, you're black.

You noticed?

Well, the percentage is different with blacks,

so I'm going to have to do the whole thing over again.

Oh, now wait a minute, Mr. Hargrove...

No, it's 13 and eight-tenths percent.

Hey man, we ain't here to hear a whole lot of yang-yang

from your transistor.

This is an ABX Technicraft.

We're not talking about numbers.

We're talking about our son and he has a brain.

All three of our children have.

Three children, now that is unusual.

The average black family has four and two-thirds children.

Look, can we talk plain, man?

The reason our son failed that jive test

is because it wasn't fair to blacks.

It isn't fair to Chicanos, Indians, Puerto Ricans...

It isn't fair to any minorities.

Now that's impossible.

You see, all our intelligent quotient tests

are scientifically computerized

to accurately determine the intellectual potential

of each student. I mean, it's infallible.

Well, if you doubt my credibility,

then I will give you the figures.

You see--

Look here, man.

Unless you can tell me what the number's gonna be today,

I don't want to hear it.

Mr. Evans, you're pressing my computer fingers.

Mr. Hargrove, with all of those statistics in your head,

you must have a high IQ.

Yes. Yes, it's, uh, 178.

Ooh, you're a regular big head, ain't you?

I bet you that puts you right up there in the genius class, huh?

Well, I wouldn't want to argue with statistics.

Well, I guess it would be easy for you to pass an IQ test, huh?

Oh, yes, yes, I feel quite safe

in saying that it would be, yes, yes.

Well then, I suppose it wouldn't be hard

for you to tell me Malcolm X's last name?

Malcolm X's last name?

Is it Little, Jones, Fallon or Brown?

Mrs. Evans, I fail to--

Little, Jones, Fallon or Brown?

Uh...Jones!

That's one he blew. I'll keep score, baby.

His last name is Little, Mr. Hargrove.

You just missed a question on an IQ test.

An IQ test?

Yes, that's right,

put together by Dr. Robert Williams,

founder of the Association of Black Psychologists.

Yeah, that's the book my wife is reading from.

Well, frankly, I fail to see the importance

of whether or not I know Malcolm X's last name.

Oh, what you really mean, it's not important to you.

Okay, next question.

What's the meaning of the word, "alley apple":

Brick, piece of fruit, dog, horse?

Alley a-- Piece of fruit, of course.

It's brick.

Ha-ha, you missed another one.

Mr. Hargrove, you just brought the average down another...

12 and two-thirds percent.

Ah, this one should be easy. TCB?

I beg your pardon?

TCB. Does it stand for, "That's cool, baby,"

"They couldn't breathe," "Taking care of business,"

or "Take careful behavior?"

Oh, I think I know.

I mean I'm not totally ignorant of black idiomatic speech.

Uh, TCB means, "That's cool, baby."

That's wrong, baby.

TCB means "Taking care of business."

But don't worry, Mr. Hargrove,

I'll see if I can get you on the steam gun

down at the car wash.

This is ridiculous.

Look here, Mr. Hargrove,

all people ain't statistics, see?

I mean, you know something

because you come from one culture

I know something because I come from another.

Let me see if I can put it to you this way:

How you gonna know where I'm at

if you ain't been where I been?

Understand where I'm coming from?

Mr. Hargrove, your statistics may say

that Michael goes to trade school, but we say no way.

Our son is going to law school.

Law school?! That's right.

I warn you, the odds against that are very great,

that is very unrealistic.

You see, this IQ test that your son took

was designed to save you

a great deal of pain and anguish.

The lad can't possibly get that--

Oh, here, you nice people, just let me show you.

Now, the percentage of black youths

who reach college is 6.3.

Now, onto graduate school is only 4.7,

and onto law school is, uh, is only 1.8,

and passing the bar exam is 1--

Huh. James, we just got a sign.

I'm going home and start sewing Michael's Supreme Court robe.

Come on, baby.

* Just lookin' Out of the window *

* Watching the asphalt grow *

* Thinkin' how It all looks hand-me-down *

* Good times Good times *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs Good times *

ANNOUNCER: Good Times is recorded on tape

before a live audience.

* Ain't we lucky we got 'em *

* Good times **