Original subtitles

* Good times Any time you meet a payment *

* Good times Any time you need a friend *

* Good times Any time you're out from under *

* Not gettin' hassled Not gettin' hustled *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave when you can *

* Temporary layoffs Good times *

* Easy credit ripoffs Good times *

* Scratchin' and survivin' Good times *

* Hangin' in a chow line Good times *

* Ain't we lucky we got 'em *

* Good times **

[HUMMING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]

Ooh, baby, that's a big cake.

It's got to be big to hold 18 candles.

Yeah, I can't believe it-- Junior, 18.

Boy, it seemed like just yesterday,

I was looking at him through the maternity ward window,

making faces at him, huh?

And he was making faces right back.

Yeah, I remember the first time

I saw him.

The doctor was holding him

after he took him from me...

Mm-hmm. And there was J.J.,

upside down, backside out,

squirming all over the place and yelling a mile a minute.

Yeah, and he's been that way for 18 years.

He was a beautiful baby.

Mm-hmm.

I still remember how nervous you got,

first-born and all.

What you talking about, Florida?

I was cool.

Oh, sure, you were real cool.

When we checked out of that hospital,

you paid the bill, gave the nurse a cigar,

and picked up a white baby.

Come on, Florida.

Oh, I was just teasing.

Hey, this ain't going to be easy.

What's that, baby?

Putting all this lettering

on this cake that J.J. wanted.

He wrote down exactly what he wanted--

"Happy Birthday and many happy returns

to our beloved first-born son, J.J."

Well, that's nice.

"Who has given us

"nothing but joy and pleasure

"for the last 18 years...

Oh, that's a lot of words.

"And who will continue to give us the same joy

"and pleasure

"during the years to come...

Well, Florida, how you going to get all that--

I ain't finished yet.

"And who will be our pride and joy in our old age..."

Baby, no way in the world you're going to get that--

Wait.

"Signed,

Your grateful parents, mom and dad."

You're going to have to add one more line--

"To be continued on the next cake."

Hi, y'all.

Hey, Willona. How you doing?

How's it going?

Girl, I had a rough time figuring out what to get J.J.

I asked myself, "What would an 18-year-old boy want?"

Well...

I know, but it's pretty hard to giftwrap an 18-year-old girl.

What did you get him?

I got him this groovy shirt.

Had it made up special by a custom tailor.

A custom tailor?

James, there ain't too many ready-made shirts

going to fit your son's beautiful body,

so I said to the tailor, "Think of a telephone pole,

"add extra-long sleeves,

and you've got it."

Yeah. Junior always was a problem.

We used to have to put a net under his high chair,

because he kept slipping through.

Oh, Willona, did you stop at the store

and pick up the present we got for J.J.?

Oh, honey, I forgot, but don't worry,

I've got to go pick up J.J.'s shirt right now,

and I'll stop by and get it.

Mm, that's good.

You're sure you don't mind keeping it at your place?

No trouble at all.

It's just that we want it to be a real surprise for J.J.

He's been nosing around

trying to find out what everybody's giving him.

Yeah, he's as nosy as I am.

Nobody is, Willona.

You are the champ.

Later for you, James.

Sure is a pretty cake.

Wait till you see it with the 18 candles.

18...

What a great age.

I had that many candles on my cake when I was 14.

When you were 14?

Mm-hmm, when I was 14, I wanted to be 18,

and when I was 18, I wanted to be 25,

and when I was 25,

I decided to blow out the candles,

freeze the cake, and stop the clock.

I'll see you all at dinner.

Catch you later.

Take it easy now.

Boy, baby, I can't wait to see the expression on Junior's face

when he sees them presents we got him.

Ooh, he's going to paint up a storm

when he sees those new paints

and brushes.

And he's going to really flip

over that genuine leather case with his own initials on it.

$75.

You know, that's real big time.

You don't think we went overboard, do you?

Mm-hmm.

What the hell, baby?

I mean, it's our son's big day. He's going to be 18.

I want to give him something better

than I got when I turned 18.

What was that? A draft notice.

James, you are a great father.

Well, why do you say it so surprised, baby?

You knew the night you married me you had a great husband.

Well, how did we do it, Florida?

What did it take to get Junior to be 18?

Guts.

Hey, Ma, I got J.J. the bacon-flavored potato chips,

but I didn't bother to look for the other crazy thing he wanted.

What was that, Thelma?

A soul food pizza--

Tomato and cheese,

sprinkled with chitlins and black-eyed peas.

See, I told you.

That boy is still upside down and backside out.

It's a wonder he didn't ask for fatback fortune cookies.

He did.

That's my brother.

Mama, can you make a bow on this?

I can't do it.

Sure, honey.

Hey, Michael, what did you get Junior?

A book.

On black history, right?

No, on white history.

You bought a book on white history?

Yeah, it's the story of how for the last 300 years,

the whites have been holding down the Blacks.

For a minute there,

I thought the militant midget

had jumped to the other league.

Never.

I won't rest until our people

have everything the whites have.

We've already got it--

unemployment, inflation, taxation, aggravation.

You're right, baby.

When it comes to misery,

they sure gave us equal rights.

Amen.

Here I am...

18 today,

happy, bright, narrow man, and pure dy-no-mite.

It's a good thing you're 18.

Now you can be a fool legally.

Since today is such a joyous occasion,

I'll ignore that insult that slipped through

your five-and-dime lipstick.

Dear mother,

I know how happy you are to see your glorious son

turn into magnificent manhood...

And dear father,

I can remember the first time we met...

Peering at me through the maternity-ward window,

making faces.

Well, family, are y'all ready for this?

Are y'all ready for the big news,

the big announcement?

I got myself a job.

That's not news. That's a miracle.

J.J.,

you're not thinking about dropping out of school?

Yeah, because you can forget that.

Coming of age may have gone to your head,

but it ain't going to keep my strap

from getting to your butt.

No, Dad, it's just a few hours after school.

What kind of job is it, J.J.?

Big, Michael,

really, really big.

I'll be ringing doorbells all over Chicago.

Don't tell me you became an Avon lady.

No, Ma.

You're looking at the newest

personal representative

of the instant,

speedy, rapid-fire delivery service.

J.J., take out the yeast,

and just say you're a messenger boy.

That shows how much you know

about big business, little sister.

I'll have you know they put me

in their elite courier division.

I'll be carrying valuable things

like stocks, bonds, and get-well cards.

Hey, it sounds good. When do you get started?

As soon as I get bonded, you know, to make sure

I'm clean and everything like that,

but I ain't worried, because I'm a model citizen.

Okay, Speedy, so how much you getting paid?

The man says this is a wonderful opportunity.

Salary is not important.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

That's what they've been telling me all my life,

and they prove it by what they pay me.

Mm-hmm. Well, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to get ready for my birthday dinner.

Okay, son.

Oh, Mom?

Mm-hmm?

Did you get all those special things

I wanted for my dinner?

J.J., I'm so sorry,

but soul food pizza is not in season

this time of the year.

That's all right, Ma,

as long as you got my main dish--

turkey stuffed with pork chops,

basted in Kool-Aid.

Ma, is he really your son,

or is someone trying to punish us?

I heard that.

Good.

Want to hear it again?

Willona, did you get the package put away?

Is something wrong?

I don't know how to tell you this.

Tell us what? I didn't get the present.

James, they turned down your credit.

Oh, you've got to be jiving.

I don't think she is.

There's got to be some mistake.

I mean, we've been shopping at Wilton's department store

for years, baby.

They've got computers now that make all the decisions,

and according to the computer, your credit is zero.

Why, Daddy?

Ah, who knows, baby girl.

Ain't no telling.

Could have been something that happened years ago.

I mean, I missed a payment one month,

but I made up for it the next month.

It don't matter, James.

They got it on the computer.

Computer?

Now, what does a computer know about how honest a man is?

And what does a computer know about what a father's feeling

when he wants to buy something special for his son?

Honey, we can still get him some little something.

Babe, I don't want to get him a little something.

I mean, he's 18 today.

I want to get him something to remember.

Florida, I'm telling you, baby, it hurts deep down in here.

I'm a man and a father. I ain't no number.

I'm going down to that store

and tell them what the hell they can do

with them jive turkey computers.

Hey!

Could y'all save some of that happy noise

for my birthday party?

Thank you.

James, it isn't going to do you any good

to let it eat you up.

But, Florida, it just ain't right.

Now, I've been an honest man all my life.

Now I got some damn computer bad-mouthing me.

Well, if it was a man, I'd bust it in two,

but what you supposed to do with a computer?

Blow its fuse?

Don't blow yours.

Look, James, you can always buy the art supplies

from another store.

We'll tell J.J. there was a slight mix-up,

and it'll be a day late.

Yeah, but, Florida,

you don't understand how these things work.

You know what they told me down at the store?

They said that this computer feeds information

to all other computers all over the country.

Right now I couldn't get credit in an Eskimo trading post

on a used igloo.

Damn.

You plan something big for your son,

and now it's spoiled.

Well, don't spoil it worse.

I had a couple of dollars,

and I sent Thelma to buy him a sweater.

A sweater.

Boy, that's a hell of a comedown from $75 worth of art supplies

and your own special carrying case.

I know a sweater ain't much,

but it's something.

But, baby, Junior was expecting something big.

How do you know?

Because he said to me the other day,

"Dad, I'm expecting something big."

Oh, honey, let's make the best of it.

We'll have a nice dinner,

we'll be pleasant

and act as if there's nothing wrong.

Baby, that's going to take a lot of acting.

Oh, you can do it, James.

You can do anything.

* Happy Birthday to you *

* Happy Birthday to you *

* Happy Birthday, dear J.J. Happy Birthday to you **

All right.

All right, speech, J.J., speech.

Speech, man.

I'm so overwhelmed, words fail me.

But I'll force myself!

Today is the proudest moment of my life,

when I officially pass from boyhood into adultery.

Now, that better be a slip of the lip,

or I'm going to knock you back

into boyhood again.

Just jiving, just jiving,

but seriously, folks,

it's wonderful to share this occasion

with all the people I love,

and I'd like to thank you all in advance

for the wonderful presents

I'm about to receive.

J.J., blow out the candles.

Okay, Ma.

And don't forget to make a wish.

J.J., will you blow out the candles?

Okay.

Oh, come on,

you can do better than that.

Now, J.J., either you get a bigger chest,

or stop down at the gas station for more air.

Just using one lung, ma.

Well, use them both.

All right, all right.

Give me a plate.

Okay, honey, you cut the first slice.

Okay, Ma.

Mm, looks good.

I'm telling you.

J.J.!

That looks like a gigantic twinkie.

A gigantic something.

Look at that. Stop it.

Hey, J.J., what did you wish?

I wished that I could be so rich

that I could sit back in my Cadillac

and have a Big Mac...

With my chauffeur

spoonfeeding me French-fried onion rings.

Well, if you don't get some meat on them bones,

you can use an onion ring for a life preserver.

Right on, Daddy.

Enough of this merriment.

Let's get on to the main event.

Bring on the presents!

Junior, you know the thing about presents

is it ain't how big they are,

but it's just the thought behind it.

Yeah, the important thing is that we care,

and we love you.

Yeah, I know that, Mama.

Now, bring on the presents.

Let's see how much love I got.

Ooh, look at that.

Look at that.

Ooh, you've got some love today.

Pretty.

That one's from me, J.J., and many happy returns.

Gee, Michael, what a surprise--

a book about the oppression of brothers.

Hey, man. Who told you?

Remember? Me and you sleep together,

and you're the little guy who talks in his sleep.

So what? You used to wet the bed.

Moving on.

Next, Thelma's wonderful cap.

How'd you know that?

Did a little search-and-seizure

in your room the other day.

All the colors I wanted, too.

That's not the one I bought you.

I know, I already exchanged it.

Did you see that, Ma?

I saw it, and now, moving on.

Boy, when the chicks see this hat,

I'm going to have wall-to-wall hickeys.

Stop it.

Now, a custom-made shirt from Willona.

He's an ebony Kojak.

Now, that's class.

Ooh, Willona.

Conservative, but that's class.

Yeah, go for that.

Now for the biggie.

The pièce de résistance from Mom and Dad,

what I've been waiting for all this time,

just what I always wanted...

A sweater.

That's pretty.

Real nice.

That's nice.

Threading is a little extra, huh?

Where's the art supplies?

Uh, Junior.

Where's them paints, them brushes,

that leather carrying case with my initials on it?

Come on, y'all, stop jiving me now.

There's something I want to tell you.

I want to know.

I've been looking for this. Where's this at?

I can paint anywhere I want to.

Don't keep me hanging. Where is it, y'all?

There is no carrying case and no art supplies.

You jiving.

The sweater is all we got.

Yeah, that's it, son.

I want to apologize, because we wanted to get you

everything you wanted...

But we ran into a problem.

Yeah, I found out

after working my tail off all my life that my word

and my name don't mean nothing.

I don't understand, Dad.

Well, they've got some computer down at the store

that flashes the word all over the world

that my credit ain't no good.

It just ain't right.

You're damn right it ain't right!

Ain't none of us nothing

but a bunch of numbers in them computers.

They pick up on you on the day you're born

and just pass the information around

like a plate of grits.

Dad, I don't care

what that stupid computer says.

You have more character and integrity than anybody.

Yeah.

Well, thanks, baby girl. Thanks, Michael.

Son, all I want to say is I'm sorry.

Sorry?

What y'all worried about?

Who needs a fancy leather carrying case

with my initials on it anyway?

I'm a ghetto artist.

Oh, J.J., you really did want it, though, didn't you?

No, Ma. Now, don't go putting yourself down.

It was a groovy dinner.

There were a lot of out-of-sight presents,

and I thank all y'all.

You mean that, son?

Of course I do.

Well, all right.

Now, if y'all excuse me,

I've got to go pick up my date, Henrietta.

Date? But I thought you were going

to stay home with us tonight.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Must have slipped my mind.

You know, now that I'm 18, you've got to learn to share me

with the rest of the women in the world.

Hey, thanks a lot again

for making my party a groovy gig. Thank you.

Have a good time, honey.

See ya, J.J.

Well, that date sure came up fast.

Well, baby, he's at that age where he got that natural itch.

He just wants to do a little scratching.

Right on.

Dad, do you think J.J. was disappointed

about not getting that present?

Oh, not too much, Thelma.

You know your brother.

Old Junior will bounce back

just like a rubber ball.

Yeah, when you're 18, the world is your oyster,

and when you don't find a pearl in it,

you just open another oyster.

Guess you're right.

Well, looks like the party's over.

You want me to help you with the dishes, honey?

No, thank you, Willona. I think I can manage it.

I'm glad you said that,

because I hate washing dishes.

Besides, I've just got enough time to get back to my pad

and look at my favorite TV show,

The Waltons.

The Waltons is your favorite show?

Yeah, it's going to be a great show tonight.

It starts off

where they can't pay the mortgage,

the horse dies,

the mule gets a migraine, and the drugstore's closed,

and then it gets sad.

I'll see y'all later.

Ma, let me help you clean up.

No, you've got homework to do.

You'd better get on it.

You too, Michael.

Okay, Ma.

Well, the birthday party

didn't turn out too bad after all, did it, James?

No, baby, as a matter of fact, it was a nice party.

Yeah, and you know what I was thinking?

Hmm?

A couple of more birthdays,

and we'll be going to his wedding.

That's something I can't get ready for yet,

the idea of Junior getting married.

Hmm. Boy, I can just see it.

All the people packed in the church,

sitting there nice and quiet and dignified.

Preacher's standing up,

getting ready to give the sacred vows,

and here comes Junior, strutting down the aisle...

Mr. Preacher, I does.

Oh, maybe by then, he'll be more like you--

Real serious.

You know,

I still remember you coming down the aisle--

all serious,

looking straight ahead, taking small, careful steps.

I had to.

I borrowed them shoes from my uncle,

and they were just about to eat my corns up.

Oh, but you relaxed at the wedding party, though.

Yes, Lord.

You remember our first dance?

How could I forget it?

* It had to be you... *

Wasn't that it? That's it, yes.

* It had to be you *

* I wandered around *

* Finally found *

* Somebody who *

BOTH: * Could make me Feel blue *

* Could make me feel true *

* I'd even feel glad *

* Just to feel sad Thinking of you *

* Some others I've seen... *

[LAUGHING]

* With all your faults I love you still *

* It had to be you *

[KNOCKING]

* Wonderful you *

* It had to be you *

Mm, have mercy.

* It had to be you *

* It had to be you *

* I wandered around *

* Finally found me Somebody who... *

Oh, my God.

How can I tell Ma and Dad?

[HUMMING "IT HAD TO BE YOU"]

Ma? Daddy?

Ma? Daddy?

Yes. What's the matter, Thelma?

I have some real bad news.

What? What is it, child? What is it?

Monty just told me

he saw J.J. being taken away in a police car.

A police car? Oh, James.

They arrested him

for holding up a liquor store.

What?

Oh, James.

Daddy!

Could J.J. have wanted the art supplies that much?

Oh, God, no.

No, no, James, no.

No!

ANNOUNCER: You have just seen part one of "J.J. Gets Arrested."

Be sure to see the conclusion next week.

Here are some scenes from "J.J. Gets Arrested, Part Two."

You're a good kid. I like you.

[GRUNTS]

Hundred prisoners in the jail

and I gotta be in a cell with George Foreman.

Five hundred dollars.

Ain't no way in the world we can get that kind of money.

Hey there.

I hear you all got caught in the long green squeeze.

Man, your troubles are over,

'cause plenty money is here.

This is your first rap. If you admit you did it and cooperate,

the judge will go a little easier on you.

You see, we're here to help you.

Want a cigarette?

Yeah, thanks, man.

[COUGHS]

What's the matter?

I just remembered, I don't smoke.

ANNOUNCER: Be sure to see the conclusion

of "J.J. Gets Arrested" next week.

[***]

[***]

* Mm-mm-mm *

* Just lookin' Out of the window *

* Watching the asphalt grow *

* Thinkin' how It all looks hand-me-down *

* Good times Good times *

* Keepin' your head Above water *

* Makin' a wave When you can *

* Temporary layoffs Good times *

ANNOUNCER: Good Times is recorded on tape

before a live audience.

* Ain't we lucky we got 'em *

* Good times **