Original subtitles

FXX Presents

*YOU'RE THE WORST*

The following program is rated TV MA LS

It contains strong Language Sexual situations and Nudity.

It's intended only for matured audiences.

Checking in with us today?

Okay, Miss Cutler.

Looks like we have you in one of our signature suites.

Will you be needing one room key or two?

One's fine.

♪ Waiting in line ♪

♪ Thought about leaving ♪

♪ But for real this time ♪

♪ Some redesign ♪

♪ Of a classic theme ♪

♪ Of western scene ♪

♪ What everyone wants ♪

♪ Is the same thing ♪

♪ That everyone wants ♪

♪ What do you want to be? ♪

All right.

Are any of these popular disc jockeys

worthy of playing our wedding?

Uh, DJ Duchess?

DJ Squirt-Squirt? Brian?

Who cares?

We could put a blonde wig and a Givenchy shirt on an iPhone

and no one would know the difference.

The DJ will be the first person

to introduce us as a married couple.

Do you really want to hand that responsibility

to DJ Thugtastic?

Nock Nock? Who's Nock Nock?

And how does he have six million views?

- ♪ Ring around the clocky ♪ - ♪ Ring around the clocky ♪

- ♪ Pocket full of Oxy ♪ - ♪ Pocket full of Oxy ♪

- ♪ Mom could never stop me ♪ - ♪ Mom could never stop me ♪

I think this is trash?

But is it "garbage trash" or, like,

"trash that ends up in a museum" trash?

No, no. It's rubbish.

- Right? - Right.

I mean, he's just some Ox'd-out redneck

rapping behind an Arby's or something.

- Again? - Yes, please.

- ♪ Ring around the clocky ♪ - ♪ Ring around the clocky. ♪

Well, we have had a shockingly productive morning.

We have booked our cake tasting,

finalized booze selections,

low-balled our officiant, and tonight,

- we have an appointment with our florist. - We got a florist?

This wedding's about to be classy as fuck.

Right. Time to head off to write.

I mustn't keep the muse waiting.

Yes, hurry up. Wouldn't want to lose the table near the outlet.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Come on.

You're a reg at a coffee shop

with a reg outlet and reg writing hours.

Plus, running point on all this wedding shit...

You've just become this, like, stable-ass dude alla sudden.

Stable?

Yeah, I always thought the whole point of being a writer

was so that you could drink all night in dive bars

and challenge other writers to fist fights and die hella early.

But... not you, Jimmy.

You, sir, are a VGB:

- A very good boy. - I'm not a...

I am the opposite of a good boy.

I may have experienced a marked level of success

as of late, but that doesn't change the fact

that Jimmy Shive-Overly

is and will always be, unassailably,

without question, a bad, bad boy.

Name one thing that makes you a bad boy.

I have a raging foot fetish.

Foot fetishes are the applesauce of fetishes.

Bad boy fetishes are like

you can only get turned on if your dick's on fire.

What are you still doing here? You're gonna lose your outlet.

Jimmy thinks he's a bad boy.

What... what gives Edgar the right to weigh in on this?

Jimmy, Edgar has killed people.

What is more bad boy than that?

Oh. It's good.

Everyone knows you don't marry the bad boy.

You bang him until he gets caught knocking over

a tattoo shop he lost in a dice game.

But marry him? No way.

That is what I have you for.

Mm.

Is that sunblock?

Good boy.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

*YOU'RE THE WORST* Season 05 Episode 05

*YOU'RE THE WORST* Episode Title : "A Very Good Boy"

That was the mustard.

Not my butt.

You can eat in the meeting, Gretchen.

I mean, usually people don't eat at these things,

but, do you. All right,

time to pitch me new clients.

Go.

Mm-mm!

Still on pace for 28 pages today, Jimmy?

No, actually.

I'm just winging it today.

Who cares about page goals?

You, bruh?

You asked me to "shame you mightily"

if you don't make your page goal every day. You good, fam?

Yeah, I'm completely good, fam.

Oh, it's just that my fiancée

accused me of being a good boy.

Preposterous.

That is decaf, right?

Just... I don't want the afternoon jitters.

Mind watching my stuff while I hit the bathroom?

Yeah! Yeah!

Thanks.

His music is fantastic.

His brand is ripe for developing.

And his numbers speak for themselves.

When I saw Young Bludgeon a few years ago,

I felt he was talented, but derivative of Lil Uzi Vert,

which is to say I am not interested in this at all,

and neither should you be.

Thanks for that complete waste of time, Shayna.

Gretchen.

Mm-hmm? Mm-hmm.

Well, two words for you.

Actually, one word, twice.

Also, not spelled the way you'd think.

Anyway, Nock...

Nock.

Who's there?

Yes, exactly. Nock Nock is there.

Nock Nock is a trailer park rapper

who only raps about drugs and his mom. And eating pussy.

- Very fresh talent. - Pull him up on the screen.

Oh, we can do that later.

Huh.

Anybody heard of him?

Well,

how 'bout we all get to know Nock Nock today?

All of us? Today?

Watch every video, listen to every song.

Comb through his online presence to see

if you brought us someone who's worth our time.

Rony really vouched for you on this promotion,

so I am looking forward to seeing what the hype...

is about.

Meeting's done.

Did you hear that?

No. You know what else I don't hear?

The sound of me jizzing yet.

- You guys banging? - Aah!

- Oh! - Noice!

Sweet balls, E.

Ew! You two.

Get a room.

I am in my... sheet room.

Linds, grateful you're letting us crash,

but we can only kill so much time at the 99 Cents Store.

It's fun, but then a huge bummer all of a sudden.

Really sneaks up on you.

Yo, what are you guys getting up to the rest of the day?

Ew! Get off! Go back to your couch.

Oh, don't forget, Paul will be over soon

to do the insemination procedure.

Paul's gonna come in a cup, and we're gonna put that in her vag.

Oh, Bec, Tiny People, Big House is on.

- Okay, babe. - This week on.

- Tiny People, Big Houses, - Ooh!

- Kathy and Mark. - Ow.

Have difficulties with their reimagined...

How are we living in a world

where Becca loves her husband now?

And how is that world living inside my apartment?

I need to find someone.

Soon.

You and I hang out all the time.

We do sex all the time.

I want a "feeds me cheese balls"

type of love.

Oh, no.

You didn't catch feels, did you?

We promised we'd kill the other if that happened.

Do I need to get my stabbing knife out?

No. No feels.

But...

I don't know, what if we tried?

Explain your words.

What if, like, we do what we're doing now

but we moved it to a restaurant and...

you know, gave catching feelings a shot?

We do bone good.

That's, like, 90% of a relationship.

Let's do it!

Let's go on a...

da...

DayQuil?: No, that's not a word.

Uh, what's the word for a no-sex dinner?

- A date. - Ew.

That's it. A date.

Lindsay, you're gonna want to stay out of your

underwear drawer for a bit. Tallulah's

taking a nap in there, and she may or may not have

sharted all over your thongs.

No, she totally did.

♪ Ring around the clocky Ring around the clocky ♪

- ♪ Pocket full of Oxy ♪ - Oh, she's dead.

♪ Pocket full of Oxy ♪ ♪ Catch me at the football field ♪

♪ I'm cooking mac and cheese, yeah ♪

♪ I'm cooking all that mac and cheese... ♪

This is the guy?

Oh, yeah, right.

- ♪ Ring around the clocky ♪ - ♪ Ring around the clocky ♪

♪ Pocket full of Oxy ♪

Aah!

Yvette would like to get drinks with you tonight,

off-campus. I'll be in touch with your office.

Like, a fun drinks,

- or...? - ♪ Pussy like it's Cocoa Puffs ♪

- ♪ Oxy ♪ - ♪ Oxy... ♪

One street hot dog, please, vendor.

Why are you littering?

Because I'm a bad boy.

Do we need to find a grown-up?

What are you, five?

Who calls adults "grown-ups"?

Piss off, you meddling street urchins.

Excuse me, grown-up.

We need help.

I know, tell me about it. Oh, I did not even

tell you about our trip to Montana.

Yeah, no, truly majestic.

Big Sky Country. Like, so humbling.

I found myself. Best part was, though, Lexi got sick

on the second night, so I was just out there

bagging townies left and right.

Yeah, I know, it's like, if you don't

want to lose your pension, then don't invest it

in the first place, Grandma.

Yeah.

Right? Yeah.

Hold on, dude, I got to hit this sick crosswalk.

Um, so, anyway, the reason I'm calling is,

are you still dealing Molly?

We love to entertain, so...

How you doin' in there, buddy?

Fine.

Uh, give me a minute.

Kitchen that overlooks the large living room.

Yes, I do love to cook in it.

You'd think my reproductive anatomy

would more than cooperate,

considering I've refrained from any emissions

in two fortnights.

Oh.

Damn! Great work, Paul.

It's like a full side of ranch.

It's wondrous to think that of the 400 million-odd

sperm you're holding, one mighty swimmer

might become my future child.

How powerful is this moment?

I'm up-squirting the specimen

into the medical baster.

Now I'm inserting the medical baster

into the vaginal canal.

Oh. Ow!

Relax, honey.

Almost done, Paul.

All right.

You can come out now.

May I?

Oh.

Implant, dear offspring.

Father cannot wait to meet you.

I can't believe it's been four months and no fetus.

My last sperm test revealed I had historic motility.

It's my "offish" doctor's opinion this is absolutely,

- possibly the one. - And if not,

there's always next month.

Do you need a pen to write the check or...

Becca! This is a sacred moment.

You mind scribblin' that five thou to "cash"?

Bec and I could really use the walkin' around money.

Question.

How did you get hired in the first place?

Look, I know.

I was just a coked-out assistant

who spent most of her time hooking up with industry guys

and stealing iPod Shuffles from swag bags.

But then Rick was decapitated in that Jet Ski accident,

and, suddenly, I got a promotion I never asked for.

And now, here I am, three years later,

getting married, pretending to be a real publicist

in my big office, which, yeah, I stole.

Which triggered another promotion I didn't ask for.

And I am a total fraud, okay?

All I do is lie and manipulate my clients

into doing what I want them to do.

You just described being a publicist.

Yeah, anyways, thanks for doing this off-campus

to let me save face.

Say bye to Toilet for me.

Sit.

God, you remind me so much of me.

It's true. I was just

some rich girl who liked to fuck musicians.

- Really? - Yes.

I didn't take this job seriously, either.

Until one day I woke up and decided I wanted

to be good at something other than

avoiding being good at anything.

The only thing I'm good at is faking it.

I get that you need to think that's true,

but I have news for you.

When you weren't looking, Gretchen,

you actually became good.

Can you imagine how unstoppable you would be

if you actually tried?

Bad mom, huh?

You're lucky.

Hello, florist.

Please, enter so that I may select centerpieces...

A manly endeavor if ever there was one.

Hmm.

Do you have anything a bit more dangerous and badass?

No. Pick one of these.

You only just plunked them annoyedly on the table

a second ago.

Well, daisies are for schoolchildren.

Succulents are for anorexic Instagram girls.

Is that just a bowl of sticks?

Hmm. These are really quite different, aren't they?

One is white hydrangeas and white calla lilies.

The other is all white hydrangeas.

Well, the subtle difference speaks volumes.

Can you hurry? I have somewhere to be.

Okay, yep. Um...

- well, hydrangeas and calla lilies it is. - Great.

That's the deposit amount,

and I need a sig there and the check.

Then I can get the hell out of here.

You really shouldn't talk to your customers this way.

You seriously want to argue about my attitude,

or do you want to tell your fiancée

that you got this done for her?

Ha! Joke's on you. My fiancée

doesn't give a shit about this.

Sorry.

Most wedding people

are total assholes.

I get pre-defensive.

Pre-defensive is my natural state.

What are you so late for, anyway?

Going to a show.

What kind of show?

♪ I'm gonna hunt you down ♪

♪ And always get my way ♪

♪ I'm gonna hunt you down ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you pay ♪

♪ So go ahead ♪

♪ Go ahead and lock me up ♪

♪ Lock me up ♪

♪ I want to take your keys ♪

♪ And now I'm gonna drive your car ♪

♪ I'm gonna take this way too far. ♪

- So... - Huh?

- Huh? - What was that?

- What was what? - You said something.

Oh, I-I-I didn't say anything. You did.

Oh. Okay. Never mind.

This food is taking forever.

Isn't it taking forever?

Uh, we haven't ordered yet.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I mean...

funny, I thought we had.

How's the gym?

I haven't worked there for over a year.

Really?

Oh. Huh.

I'm just...

- I'm gonna hit the men's room. - Okay, cool. Cool.

We're so good with our clothes off.

- What happened? - I don't know.

Hey.

You deserve to find love, Lindsay.

If I don't find someone soon, I'm gonna end up alone.

Like, "Mr. Rogers begging children"

"to be his neighbor" alone.

I guess having Jimmy and Gretchen

about to tie the knot is freaking me out.

You know, maybe us hooking up

has held you back from finding it.

As much as I'd hate to give up quality D,

I need to create space for love in my heart.

And my puss.

And I want that for you.

Great sex, bud.

Real horny.

Crap, that was mine.

So, let's talk Nock Nock.

We're flying him in for a signing meeting next week.

- Wait, but everyone hated him. - But you liked him.

I couldn't stop watching him. That doesn't mean I liked him.

In a moment of panic, you pulled him out of your brain.

I'll go with instinct every time in this business.

I am definitely gonna screw this up.

Well, don't tell me that. Jesus.

We had our little heart-to-heart.

We experienced some growth, right?

I'm invested in you now.

Nock Nock is all you, baby girl.

Don't fuck this up.

I won't.

That was crazy. How the hell

did you survive that body slam?

I feel... incredible!

The rage. The electricity.

The devotion of your entire physical being

to the communal goal of feeding

an endless vortex of violence is...

the most asinine thing

that I have ever done in my life.

To think that I wasted even a millisecond

worrying about whether I'm a quote-unquote

"bad boy" when being bad

is so cheap.

It's an empty goal for the stupid

that achieves nothing substantive.

Whereas my predictability

has afforded me a life that I love,

an incredible fiancée who's the reason

that I'm having this epiphany in the first place.

I mean, maybe the true mark of a bad boy

is knowing that you can be bad

but having the strength

to not have to prove it all the time...

♪ I do what I want ♪

♪ I say what I want ♪

♪ I wear what I want ♪

♪ I'm walking away ♪

♪ You know I don't mind ♪

♪ I chill by myself ♪

♪ You know I'm flyin' high ♪

♪ I'm way up in the sky ♪

♪ Don't even have to try ♪

♪ 'Cause I can see everything. ♪

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org.

Sync corrections by srjanapala