Original subtitles

Neil Barlow's Bodgy Creek Documentary, take one.

My Granddad reckons

that if there was a Nobel Prize for being a dickhead,

Troy Carrington would win it every year.

Troy Carrington's AFL footy career ended

when his leg got mangled as he ran through the banner on Grand Final day.

It got caught in the crepe paper and looked gross.

Around here, we call him Town Killer...

because of the greenie protests he led that shut down the Bodgy Creek Timber Mill.

Troy has absolutely no friends.

This is his story.

- Have I come in too early, Neil? - Dude, wha...?

Troy, I told you, I'm gonna use this at the beginning of the documentary.

- Sorry, mate. - You're too early, Jesus.

Troy Carrington...

no mates,

mangled leg,

dickhead.

Bit full on.

Troy!

♪ I'm mopin' around streets late at night ♪

♪ I'm worried because you ain't treatin' me right ♪

♪ Come back again ♪

♪ I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪

♪ I spoke to your mum and I spoke to your dad ♪

♪ It sounds crazy, but it made me feel sad ♪

♪ Come back again ♪

♪ I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪

♪ Feeling so sad, so lonely too ♪

♪ You don't know how it is to feel sad, lonely, and blue ♪

♪ Come back again ♪

♪ I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪

♪ Spoke to your dad and I spoke to your mum ♪

♪ They said, go away, boy, and leave us alone ♪

♪ Come back again ♪

- ♪ I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪ - Right.

It's Warwick Randall here on Bodgy Creek Community Radio.

The community markets are on today at the Recreation Reserve.

However, the Men's Shed won't be doing their usual Wood Turning Exhibition

as Len Hutton's...

second hip replacement has been moved forward.

Hopefully, they'll open him up on the...

correct side this time around.

Town killer!

♪ I really don't know what to do ♪

♪ Everything you say just make me feel blue ♪

♪ Come back again ♪

♪ I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪

♪ I went to the dance but I went all alone ♪

♪ I watched you dancin' and then I followed you home ♪

♪ Come back again ♪

♪ I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe ♪

Excuse me.

Do you have a stall holder's license?

Uh, no, not yet.

Gretchen over there said I'd be able to sort it out on the day.

Oh, she's wrong.

You have to apply at least 14 days in advance

for a stall holder's license.

- I'm here now. Can't I just-- - We're full!

It's Neil, isn't it?

I'm Troy.

I know who you are.

Why are you at the markets?

I thought you were a hermit.

Well, I'm mostly self-sufficient out at my place.

So, I don't have to come into town much.

Like a hermit?

Do you mind not filming me?

Classic hermit.

I saw you at my dad's funeral last year.

That must have been tough, mate.

I lost my mom when I was your age, and--

So hermits can go to funerals and community markets.

- Anything else? - I'm not a hermit.

Why did you want the timber mill shut?

- I didn't. - Granddad reckons you did.

I just wanted sustainable logging for old growth forests.

He said it was a dog act

and that you pissed on the memory of your daddy who used to work there.

He also says you're an ungrateful bastard

'cause you never thanked him for coaching you to AFL standard.

He has a lot of opinions, your granddad.

Did you really break your leg in nine places?

- Give or take. - Can I see your scars?

- Roll your jeans up. - No, mate, I'd prefer not.

Oh, I can make a doco about you.

Come on, Neil, we gotta go.

Hang on, Mum.

Troy Carrington just asked me to make a documentary about him.

- And we're workin' out fees. - I didn't agree to.

Hi, Angie. Troy.

Hi, I know. Hi.

I thought you knew my mum and dad.

We never properly met.

Then how come you came to my dad's funeral?

I was paying my respects.

A hermit going to a stranger's funeral

- is just weird. - Neil!

Sorry, Troy, I...

Thank you for coming.

I didn't get to say it on the day, but I did appreciate the gesture.

It's fine. Sorry, again.

Private wine tastings?

You're really shit at being a hermit.

Neil!

Mmm.

Semillon Shiraz.

Gee, that's niche.

I've got a chardonnay frontignac

blend with a squirt of comquat juice if you prefer your whites.

Yeah, we, we'd better scoot, actually, Troy.

We've got a footy club meeting at the Tin Shed.

Nana said it was an extraordinary meeting.

What's that?

Extraordinary meetings are meetings that get called to discuss the fact

that they probably should have called the meeting a fair bit earlier.

Should be the dictionary definition.

Come on.

He's nice for a hermit.

Look, look!

Hey! Look!

You can't just force us into a merger, Geoff!

What's a merger?

İt's when one shit team joins up with another shit team

to make a slightly less shit team.

Oh, okay.

Neville!

Your club has got no money,

no players, and no coach.

Your club president didn't even bother to show up.

Granddad's in hospital!

Look, we may have been able to overlook some issues...

but we can't overlook this.

This report arrived on my desk fellas,

and I had to act.

Your club rooms have been found to be riddled with asbestos.

- What? - That's really bad.

Does that mean they'll be heritage listed?

No, it means your club rooms have to come down.

Oh, no way!

That's just bullshit!

I told Bull this

at our meeting a couple of weeks ago.

Did Bull tell you about this?

Is it friable or non-friable asbestos?

No, it makes a difference if the particles are airborne or not.

- Because if they're air-- - Regardless,...

you, as a club, need to decide...

merge of fold.

- Oh, come on! - What?

Excuse me!

Can you guys wind this up?

We have the hall booked from 2:00 PM.

Why didn't you tell us the club rooms were getting knocked down?

'Cause it'll never happen. I'll chain myself to the rooms if I have to.

Like the greenies?

No, not like the bloody greenies.

Get into bed, love.

The doctor said you should avoid getting stressed.

What's a prostate, Granddad?

It's a gland up your pooper.

Granddad's gonna be fine, Neily.

It's just exploratory keyhole surgery.

Why are you having exploratory keyhole surgery?

I lost my keys.

So have you found a coach yet?

Uh, no, but uh, Pig Dog McBride's outta prison.

Next option?

Ron Wills?

Beryl says his tinnitus is getting worse.

What's tinnitus?

That's a hearing disease that men develop when they marry people like Beryl.

Oh, she, she's not that bad.

Sorry, love, what was that? What was that?

Put that thing out!

You're the one who told me I couldn't go outside in this ensemble.

Why don't you ask Troy Carrington to coach?

Any ex-players on your list who aren't traitors, Nev?

Oh, ease up, Bull. He was best man at my wedding.

Listen!

The coach has gotta love the club.

I captained-coached two flags,

and one of 'em was with, with concussion

- and a floating-- - Floating bone in my knee.

Troy will bring in new players.

He'll attract sponsors.

What is it with you wanting to give all the local jobs away to outsiders?

I mean, it's bad enough that, that you,

that you're tryin' to give work to refos ahead of your own.

Don't start that again.

What makes you think that Troy is an outsider?

He only goes to funerals, community markets, and field day.

Came here when he was 10, left when he was 23.

Not a local.

So according to the Bull Barlow Index,

- I am also not a local. - Correct.

Speaking of outsiders, you didn't bring an ashtray, did you, Doc?

Mr. Barlow, I'm gonna have to ask you to put that out.

Oh.

Mmm.

Bull!

They're gonna have to empty it anyway.

Mr. Barlow, I'm gonna have to give you a full rectal examination.

Oh.

Have you had trouble passing stools recently?

I don't know.

Have you had your fingernails cut recently?

Heads!

Interview one for Troy Carrington documentary.

Mate, I didn't agree to this.

Where were you born?

Gullamunka Inlet.

Why did you move to Bodgy Creek?

When my mum died I came to live with my dad.

- Which do you prefer? - Gullamunka Inlet.

Why don't you live there then?

My dad left me his house in his will.

Can you kick a goal from here?

Not anymore.

Krystal from school reckons

they knocked down the club rooms because it gave Granddad bum cancer.

Interesting theory.

But Mum says he doesn't have bum cancer.

It's just a dodgy prostate.

I'd listen to your mum.

She also said you're a softcock 'cause you won't coach the Roosters.

Maybe only listen to her sometimes.

Super Troy leapt off his giant jet football and got cracking.

He lined up the footy and delivered a perfect drop punt...

and knocked the chainsaw clean out of the logger's hands.

"Thanks for saving our habitat," said Sharon,

the President of the Koala Union.

All the trees and creatures cheered

as Super Troy flew off to his secret hideout.

What's the chemical makeup of alpaca saliva?

- It stings a bit, eh? - Yeah.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, Carlos is usually the one you have to watch.

Might have to get a muzzle for Brigita now too.

Riesling Port.

Is that actually a thing?

Yeah, the German priests used to live on it apparently.

The fortified wines keep better in the tropics.

Now everything is grown here on the Machu Pichu Estate.

Unfortunately the generator's running a little bit low on methane.

So, the whites might be a bit on the warm side.

And I wouldn't touch the Nectarine Prosecco until the end.

The pulp sticks to your palette.

Got a thirst up, Angie.

Troy, will you coach the Roosters?

Yeah, thought so.

See, Neville, it wasn't that hard.

Have a wine tasting, he says.

Help a mate out with his business, he says.

Well no, even if it's just for the season to get us back on our feet.

How do you respond to emotional blackmail?

Give it your best shot.

Snapper, Goober, sad faces.

Not bad.

Rubbish.

Actually, quite compelling.

But I think you might be overstating my local popularity, Angie.

Oh, geez!

Die tree shagger.

Is this written in blood?

Yeah. Traytor with a Y.

Uses the wrong your.

Yeah, double E, compleet fockwheat.

I appreciate the offer, Angie,

but as you can tell by my correspondence, I'm not really a viable coaching option.

Highly unlikely to live out the season.

Could be food coloring.

I'm guessing Bull doesn't know you're here.

Not if this is anything to go by.

Neilo?

Go long, go long, go long, go long.

- Sorry about that, mate. - That's okay.

Thought they'd pulped the rest of those.

This is you.

I cannot believe.

Sayyid, this is Troy.

Yes, Rooster boy, I know who this man is.

I read this book in detention center.

- Really? - Yes.

I want to read again.

You were number 29, rookie draft pick 72,

nickname Custard Guts.

İt never really stuck.

Not like Town Killer.

I like this book best.

Players, they talk about drinking and fighting.

You talk about trees and hippie mother.

Do you only read AFL biographies?

In Nauru there are no books, no internets.

So, I ask the guard, can I have book?

He says, "No books!"

I ask different guard, he says, "No books."

Then one day, I go to recreation room.

It's bad name for this room, there is nothing to do.

But different guard come in reading book in front of me.

"Oh, look at me, I have book."

But when he go, he leave book on chair.

I think this is trick, but he not come back.

And from then he leave many books, but always AFL books.

Can I see your scars?

Won't let ya.

He's weird about 'em.

Can we kick football?

Looks like you've done more than read about footy.

Yes.

I play some days for detention center guard team.

They a very bad team, but Sayyid make better.

Right.

It's time for this week in Bodgy Creek.

Now, Angie Barlow has just rung.

And apparently, no one's turned up for the working bee at the refugee center.

If you're looking for it, it's just at the old fish and chip shop.

And just quietly, I reckon it'd still be in business

if Spiro wasn't so tight with his minimum chips.

Bugger, I forgot the vol Au vents.

I think we'll be fine, Fran.

They'll come, love.

Oh.

Hey Porterhouse.

Well done.

It's Lychees.

So that's wrong then?

I know you blokes have probably just forgotten,

but the working bee at the refugee center

started about an hour ago and at this stage,

Fran has significantly over catered.

- I didn't forget.

That's because I specifically didn't invite you, Carpet Burn,

because I knew you'd be too busy playing with yourself.

- Ouch. - I'm sorry, Angie.

I got carried away doing this. I lost track of time.

And I'm...

not good at making up excuses on the spot.

Let's go, Snaps.

Yous are actually goin' to the refo Reno?

Shut up, Carpet.

Why have the refos come to this shit hole for anyway, huh?

Because this shithole was chosen as a regional base

to resettle highly skilled refugees.

Any luck with Pig Dog?

Nah, he's keen but he's gotta see his parole officer every Saturday,

so he can't coach away games.

Any chance Troy might change his mind?

Troy?

You're not seriously gonna ask the Town Killer are you?

What?

Oh.

Oops.

Oh, um..

Snapper, Goober.

You owe me two bucks.

Interview two with Troy Carrington.

- What are you doing here? - I just told you.

How'd you know where I lived?

Everyone knows where you live.

- Mate, you can't just drop in like this. - Question one...

If your mum was an environmentalist,

how come she married a timber worker?

They never married.

It was a summer fling.

So you're a bastard then.

Does your mum know you're here?

Oh, bummer, I forgot! She's gonna be talking on the radio.

- What about? - The refos, ugees.

Our guest here today is Angie Barlow.

Welcome, Angie.

Now, what, what was your university field of study?

Uh, arts' law.

But I, I didn't finish. So...

I got a graduate diploma in having an unplanned kid instead.

That's me.

Now there are critics out there who think...

the refugee center shouldn't be there at all.

What do say to them?

Warwick, we're just,...

we're just trying to help people in need.

When I lost my husband, Brett,

I had people rallying to me.

I had complete strangers dropping meals off on my doorstep

because that's what communities do.

They help one another.

And we need to see the world as a community.

I mean, there's no point just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself,

not when there's people out there that might need you.

She's got a fair head on her shoulders, your mum.

Speaking of sorry causes,

any news on a new Roosters coach?

There's a rumor going around that Troy Carrington might be in the mix.

That's you.

Yeah, well...

we did talk to him, but...

I don't know,

it's pretty hard to hear when you got your head shoved halfway up your ass.

Right, well, we might go to another song.

Uh, here's Big Jim Carswell's Pig Skin Rodeo.

Vanilla slice. Also, a snot block, yes?

Yep.

- Lamington, yes? - Yep.

New Zealand cake but Australia steal and say Australia cake.

Nah, they're Australian.

Like Russell Crowe.

You know your cakes.

Ah, Troy.

I'm making Sayyid's English gooder.

Check this out.

What's that one?

Neenish tart.

- And that? - Bee sting.

This should be the Australian citizenship test.

Crap company you're keeping, Neil.

Who's this bloke?

Carpet Burn.

Good footballer,...

massive tool.

Hey, I wouldn't stand that close to the refo.

Nah, he's probably got a bomb strapped to his body.

Keep your ignorant, racist comments to yourself, mate.

No, I don't take advice from town killers who hang around with ISIS.

Come on, mate. Come on!

Fair tank on him.

Play him in the midfield, you reckon?

I would...

if I was coach.

Yeah, okay, okay, okay. Let's just settle.

Look, look, I'm sorry Bull,

but if you had given us the heads up on the club rooms,

- we wouldn't be in this position. - Ah, bullshit.

They can knock down our rooms, they can't stop us playing.

Yeah!

My son was the last decent coach this team had.

He's gone now.

But I'll tell you this for nothing.

This club will not be merged or disbanded while I still breathe.

- Then what's your plan, Bull? - I told you.

See, the community will get behind our various fundraising events.

Oh yes, some of the world's most fragile economies

have been turned around by a meat tray raffle.

Do you mind if I put in my two bobs worth?

Town Killer!

Neville, tell your shithouse best mate it's financial members only.

- He paid up this morning, Bull. - I don't care, get him out of here.

Bull, look, you made the rules.

Okay? He's paid up.

He has every right to stay.

Goober, Snapper, do you mind handing these out?

Now I focus on the club's micro problems.

Your micro problems are no money, no club rooms,

not enough players, threat of expulsion.

Macro problem bein' you're rooted.

- Did you put him up to this? - No.

Now, I focus on one specific micro problem, the club rooms.

And according to the Asbestos Act of 2012,

all buildings built prior to 1996 are eligible for rebuilding grants,

and I've checked and you are.

And Angie, I hope you don't mind

but I've done a little bit of homework and I've found that

you can get triple maybe even quadruple your funding

by accessing grants for employing refugees for the rebuild.

What good are club rooms if we don't have a team?

Have a think about it, mate.

If those blokes can swing a hammer, I reckon they can kick a footy, yeah?

And...

we'll turn the club rooms into a community hub that everyone can use.

This, this is really good.

You've got a bloody hide coming in here, Troy.

He shuts down our mill,

and now he wants to give jobs away to refos

who haven't been here two minutes!

- And you'll coach? - Ah, he bloody well won't.

If the offer still stands, Angie.

- Let's vote on it. - That's a committee decision.

Well no, hang on.

Let's just canvas and see the level of interest, okay?

All those in favor of Troy's rescue plan?

The yes has it.

Have you, you done lost your bloody minds?

This, this, this bloke hasn't darkened the doorstep of our club

since he left the place.

He's offering us a viable means of survival, Bull.

Oh, is he?

All right then.

It's him or me.

Take your pick.

The club and the town that you used to know

don't exist anymore.

They're long gone.

This, this is brilliant for everyone.

Him or me.

Take a vote.

- Oh, come on Bull, we can't vote on-- - Vote.

Vote.

Jesus! All right, okay.

All those in favor of Bull.

- Bull. - Bull.

And Troy?

- Troy! - Troy.

Troy.

Fine.

- Come on, mate. - No, Grandpa.

Bull.

Are you guys nearly done?

We've got this place booked from six,

and it takes us a while to set up our siege engine.

Interview four for Troy Carrington documentary.

How do you respond to claims from Krystal

from Bodgy Creek Primary School that you're a flog?

I don't really know what a flog is, but it doesn't sound good.

I think it's worse than a wanker but not as bad as a dickhead.

Good to know.

Are you only coaching 'cause Mum publicly humiliated you to the whole world?

I think you're overstating the reach of the Bodgy Creek Community Radio Station,

but yeah.

She was right about the proximity of my head in relation to my ass.

The refugees need our help and we need theirs.

It's a win-win.

Uh, gidday, mate.

I'm Troy Carrington, this is Neil.

We're from the local footy club.

We're just wondering if you'd be interested in coming to training.

Sorry, mate. How's your English?

English okay.

Australian not so good.

- This is a football, yes? - Yeah.

I know this game.

Is that a yes or a no?

I am very unfamiliar with this game.

Well with a handball,

you just hold it in the palm of your hand

and then you just punch it below the point.

Thank you!

Good hands.

I like Troyism chapter best.

The pathway to enlightenment is down the guts!

And my favorite,...

keep doing it until

- you are not shit. - You are not shit.

Signed copy of Crepe Career.

Go straight into Sayid's office.

So you'll play?

Yes, I will play.

Your team needs Sayyid or they will be bad team.

Is that your family?

No, this was already on wall when I come here.

Of course this is my family!

Do you think, Sayyid creepy man put photo of strangers on walls?

How long since you've seen them?

For now,...

six years.

Took three years before Australian government say yes,

you are real refugee from Syrian Civil War.

They are stupid people.

But then, because No Advantage Policy,

I must wait the same time to bring my family.

Three more years.

They come here soon.

This is wife, Fazela, and daughter, Sima.

She was only four when I see her last.

She's hot.

When they come here soon,

if Rooster boy touches my daughter, I maybe kick him in tiny balls.

Ease up, Sayyid, I'm only 10.

This is Mother.

And your father?

He was killed in civil war.

Sorry, mate.

Who's the little guy?

This is brother, Ammad.

When civil war begin we live in Alleppo

but rebels move into our suburb.

We are not rebels but Assad government troops

try to arrest us, so we must escape.

I take Fazela and Sima to refugee camp in Turkey.

Mother would not leave.

Then Ammad and Sayyid

try to come to Australia where uncle he live.

Then we hope to bring whole family here,...

safe.

After very long time,

we get to Christmas Island together on boat,

then to Nauru, hot shit place.

And then one day Australian government man come and say,

you are economic refugee, not real refugee.

You go home.

Our home is gone, bombed.

So I say no, but Ammad,...

he feel bad about leaving mother alone

so he go home, like a baby mummy boy.

I joke.

I love my brother.

Well, I was thinking

I could open a traditional Bharatanyatyam dance school,

if there isn't already one in Bodgy Creek.

Right.

I'm joking, Ms. Angie!

Well, it looks like we've got a new project manager.

Really? That's handy?

Um, and a Bharatanyatyam dancer.

Could be handy.

Suresh, Navina, this is Troy Carrington,

the new coach of our footy club.

And this is my son, Neil.

So you're a civil engineer?

Kandi University with honors.

My Sinhalese husband was a sought-after project manager...

until he made the questionable career choice of marrying a Tamil.

Hey, best decision I ever made.

Well, since you're here,

might as well play for the footy team.

- Footy? - It's a sport.

Oh, sport is not really my strength.

He's being modest.

Suresh was a Roman Greco Wrestling champion at our university.

Well, there's not many Roman Grecos around here,

but we could use a tackling coach.

I'll see you at training tomorrow night.

Tackling's fun.

Yep, that's it.

Yeah.

How's it going?

Not great.

School Shoes has already done a hammy.

Nice work, Didier.

Granddad was right.

You can bugger up a team that hasn't won in three years.

Some of 'em are making Snapper look good.

Whoa!

Nah, mate, you can't do that either.

Snaps!

Woo!

Carpet, oh, burns him!

Burns him!

- Oh ho ho ho! - He's off into the...

Oh!

Ease up, Sultana.

My name is Sayyid, not small dried fruit.

All right, everyone in!

Come on.

Now boys, the match practice has given me a fair idea

of where you're at individually and as a group.

Harpo, mate, you're the size of a small town.

Don't be afraid to use your bulk in the ruck contest, all right?

Those sketches aren't bad.

You got a big of the Flemish master's influence in your portraiture.

Yeah, cheers.

It's part of a triptych.

Wanna to see the others?

Uh, the... Maybe a bit later, mate.

Tou, when you go over the boundary, you're out of play.

If you go over the fence, you're a spectator.

All right? So it's a general rule,

try and keep inside both of those.

Yes, Mr. Troy.

- Porterhouse. - Well done.

You gotta a pair of boots, mate?

'Cause you're havin' trouble keepin' your feet in those.

Sorry, I got a shift at the pub after training.

It's been lovely having you here, Stan.

We might get you back to the nursing home now, yeah?

Oh, I'll take him.

Uh, it's from my mother in Syria.

Yeah, yeah, not a problem, mate.

Where's Syria?

Uh, do you know where Turkey is?

- Nah. - Do you know where Iraq is?

- Nah. - It's between them.

Righto, let's finish off with the mime handball drill we did earlier.

Now remember...

to visualize...

and commit to the dramatic conceit.

Goober, take 'em out. All right boys, go.

- Come on, boys, let's go! - Okay, this is happenin'.

- Port, Port, Port! - Hey!

- This! - Good hands, Snapper!

- Nice work. - Footy.

- Yeah, that's it. - That's it?

I think I'm better at mime footy.

No argument from me.

This is bullshit.

Troy's a nut job.

I'll get it!

Decent roost there, Carpets.

It is time for this week in Bodgy Creek.

Right wing conservative bush poet, Bruce Nation,

will be at the Bodgy Creek Bowls Club on Saturday night

where he'll be launching his new book,

Teeny Weenie Poofter Greenie.

- So be sure-- - Where the bloody hell are you goin'?

Bataratamy dancing with Navina.

- Sorry I asked. - What do you think?

Good old fashion--

- It's just a bit of harmless fun. - Oh, is it?

Look at you.

That lot are trying to change the way we live.

Sorry, we're early.

This one couldn't wait.

The Adventures of Super Troy By Mum

What'd you think?

I liked the one where Troy sticks footies on the harpoons

to stop the Japanese from researching any more whales to death.

Yeah, me too.

Enough small talk.

Let's get this joint interview happening.

I need you guys in a two shot.

Interview number seven with new Rooster's president and coach,

Angie Barlow and Troy Carrington.

Angie Barlow?

How do you respond to comments from former president Grandad

that you wouldn't know how to run a footy club

if it bit you on the ass?

That doesn't even make sense.

And Troy, how do you respond to Grandad's claims

that after your footy career, you did stuff all

until you started buggering up this town for a living?

Stuff all's a bit harsh.

But yeah, things were a bit slow.

After I got my insurance payout, I set up a...

Eco-consultancy business for footy clubs.

But, Carbon Footy Print never really panned out.

You did not call it that.

I did.

And then, I got a job

workin' at a mate's biodynamic winery.

Biodynamics is all about the interrelationship

between soil, livestock--

Uh, can I play with the alpacas?

Yeah, sure.

They get agro.

I know, that's why I wanna play with 'em.

Keep away from the white one.

Brigita's had a bad week.

Uh...

I should show you this.

There.

- Super Troy lives on. - Mmm.

Albeit with a spectacular mullet.

He drew it from your old footy cards.

I kinda like you with a mullet.

Yeah, my first thought was,...

she's been gone for 36 years, but I wanted to show Mum.

She sounds so lovely.

Um, thank you.

Thank you for doing this doco thing with him.

İt's no drama.

No, it's kind.

He got the camera and the Rooster's onsie off Brett

the Christmas before he died.

He doesn't talk about him much, but he's obsessed with that camera

and he won't wear anything else.

His filming gives him a kind of...

of focus.

Mate?

Do you wanna put that back in the shed for me?

Mmm.

And your email address as well, Glenda.

So we can send any details of protests.

Is there a limit on how many times I can sign this?

- Cheeky. - I mean, honestly.

I had a refugee apply for a market stall last week.

Could barely read a word of it.

I mean, if you wanna live in this country,

- learn the language. - Mmm.

Is that too much to arks?

In total agreement, Glenda.

Do you have to do that right here?

Free county. They even let

back-stabbing daughters-in-law run footy clubs around here.

Well, would you do your back-stabbing daughter-in-law a favor

and take your grandson to swimming lessons please?

Can't he swim yet?

He's been going there half his bloody life.

- Yeah, yeah, no worries. - Thank you.

You beauty!

Hello there! Welcome to Bodgy Creek.

So, minaret on top of the scoreboard.

What about the prayer room?

I think the prayer room should go on this side.

Why's that?

Because it will be closer to the scoreboard

where the minaret for call to prayer will be.

Makes sense.

What about the bar?

You spend long time in bouncy house.

Sayyid enter now.

Uh, everyone, can I get your attention? Thanks!

Now we've organized a bit of a Rooster Kringle.

This is a club tradition that dates back to, when, Angie?

Uh, late last week.

And still going strong.

Each of the current players have to pick a name outta the hat

and organize a welcome gift for the new fellas.

Let's start with Goober.

Uh, this is for Tou Pou.

Nice one, Goobs.

Tou, if that thing was any more Australian

it wouldn't know the words to the second verse of the National Anthem.

No, no, no, no, mate.

It's a...

totem tennis.

Like that.

I understand.

- Whoa! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll show you later.

Uh, Porterhouse.

- Well done. - Well done.

You had Didier.

- Aww. - Wow!

I read on the internet, you guys like goats or somethin'.

Uh, thank you.

Uh, Troy, I wasn't here when you read out the names,

so I just made everyone

some Bodgy Creek Stump Snow Dones.

- Thank you. - It's okay.

- Here. - Thank you.

Here you go, Didier.

What is fluid compound?

Glycol?

Yeah, how'd you know that?

I was a chemist in Burindi.

Oh. Did you come from Burindi to get a better job?

No, because the police shot at my brother and I.

They thought we were rebels.

So not for work then?

No.

Harpo?

You had Suresh.

It's an esky fountain.

It's art.

Oh.

My turn.

Okay, I had uh, Sayyid.

Here you go, pal.

Anyone want a beer while I'm up?

Thank you.

Good luck to the Roosters

who are taking on the Hudson's Flat Cougars today

in the first match of the season.

Haven't had this much trouble getting my head around names

since Marjorie came home with an IKEA catalog.

I reckon they'd be just about getting ready as we speak

in the Rooster's new look club rooms slash tent.

And well done to Gretchen

for providing that temporary arrangement.

Next!

Harps.

Sorry, Snapper.

Looking good, Stan.

This is a first.

We've run out of jumpers.

Granddad's not happy you're movin' in next door.

He not like refugees?

Hates 'em.

Even more than vegans, but not as much as greenies.

Tell Mr. Granddad,

Sayyid need bigger house for family he has not seen in six years

so he must keep being not happy.

Local jobs for locals!

No jobs for refos!

Local jobs for locals!

- No jobs for refos! - You were right, Snapper.

My mum does have impeccable handwriting.

Come on, boys, back inside. Come on.

Come on, come on!

Grab a possie, fellas. Don't worry about all of that.

What happen if they get violent?

You'll be all right, mate.

I didn't expect this to happen.

They're just blowin' out hot air, boys, all right?

There's just some people out there who don't like what we're doin' here.

What are we doing here?

We're rebuildin' the footy club.

This isn't a club, it's a joke, mate.

Then why are you wearing this?

'Cause you wanna play.

And the only way that's gonna happen

is if you embrace these blokes as your teammates.

Footy shouldn't be this hard.

Mate, this isn't hard.

What's the hardest thing you've ever had to do?

Probably year 11.

What about you, Suresh?

It is difficult to narrow it down

due to the cataclysmic events of the civil war,

but as a life challenge it is hard to surpass

the constant stream of death threats from both sides

after I became betrothed to Navina.

Oh, that kinda hard.

No, I had some guinea pigs that died, but nothin' like that.

Sorry, Suresh.

What's the hardest thing you've had to do?

Stop feelin' sorry for myself.

It's pretty hard to do with your head stuck up your ass.

I thought the world owed me something.

It didn't.

I crawled out from under my log and I found you blokes.

And here we bloody are.

- Yeah! - Yes.

We're gonna play against two oppositions today.

The first one you're gonna beat when you run out there.

- Yeah! - Yes.

And you can break the second mop after the balls bounce!

- Yes! - Yes.

So Goober,

bloody lead 'em out there

and smile at your mum as you run past.

Come on, boys, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Local jobs for locals.

No jobs for refos.

Come on, boys!

Hey, Mum.

Can I bring the boys over for dinner tonight?

Fat chance!

No jobs for refos.

- On the run, boys! - Local jobs for locals.

No jobs for refos.

Local jobs for locals.

Oh, yeah.

♪ I'm gonna play on the wing for Jesus ♪

♪ I'm gonna play on the wing for Jesus ♪

♪ I'm gonna kick the devil's hide ♪

♪ Out on the member's side ♪

♪ Gonna play on the wing for Jesus ♪

Come on, Tou, Tou, Tou, Tou!

Get rid of it! Get rid of it!

Tou, Tou, Tou, Tou!

Where are you off to?

Local jobs for locals.

Local jobs for locals.

♪ Play on the ring for Jesus ♪

Let me go, buffoon!

Trip! Hudson Flat, free kick.

Why is this a free kick?

Because you can't do whatever that is.

- We didn't travel halfway across the world to face this persecution!

Play on!

♪ Out on the member's side ♪

♪ Gonna play on the wing for Jesus ♪

- Holding the ball. - Yes!

Sayyid.

Yes, Sayyid, Sayyid, Sa--!

Sa--

Don't even think about it.

♪ Play on the wing for Jesus ♪

Well done, well done. Good work.

Nice effort, boys.

- All right, boys. - Good work.

As the Yogini Tantra once said,

a big loss is part of the journey.

It's a shit part of the journey but it's a part nonetheless.

Now I want you to get into a tight circle.

We're gonna sing the team song,

keep up team spirit.

The best way to keep up team spirits

is to not lose by one million points.

I do not know the words to this song.

İt's all right, mate. None of us know the words to this song.

We haven't sang it in three years.

Why don't you just sing a different song when you lose?

All right.

Uh...

♪ I love to have a beer with Sayyid ♪

- ♪ I love to have a beer with Sayyid ♪ - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

I do not drink.

All right, different drink then.

- ♪ I love to have a cordial with Sayyid ♪ - Yes!

- ♪ I love to have a cordial with Sayyid ♪ - Better.

♪ We drink in moderation bullshit ♪

♪ We never, ever, ever get rolling drunk ♪

♪ We drink at Neville's Bottom Pub ♪

- ♪ Where the food tastes just like shit ♪ - Sorry.

♪ I love to have a cordial with Sayyid ♪

♪ 'Cause Sayyid's me mate ♪

- Yes! - Yeah.

Hey.

Keep doing it until--

You are not shit!

- Yes!

As far as protests go, it wasn't so bad.

That was not a protest.

Unless you got someone chained

to infrastructure or a tree, a couple of arrests,

and someone wielding a banjo, you're kidding yourself.

Do you think Bull will change his mind?

The only way to change their minds is to prove 'em wrong.

How was losing by 131 points proving them wrong?

They showed some good signs.

No, apart from Sayyid, they were shithouse.

Have you ever thought about being a motivational speaker?

I talked myself out of it.

Now Troy, I applaud your imagination, mate,

but if we can win a game with this rabble,

I'll get an ISIS tatt on my calf.

He'll do it, too.

He got a tramp stamp after wrongly guessing

the color of a clinker.

What's all this, Snaps?

Um, I'm trying to make an organic nail polish remover

using lemon juice as the base.

Any luck?

Um, not yet.

So what's your process?

Uh, first I find out all the things that

lemon juice can do,

uh, like making lettuce crisp, hair highlights,

removing warts, apparently.

Improve the taste of Mexican beer.

Yep, and then I combine it with all the other elements

and see if it can do stuff you wouldn't expect.

Take 'em home and read 'em, fellas.

The more you know about each other, the less you don't know.

Now, we're going to have the first of our shed talks on Wednesday night

with Harpo taking us through the highlights of Tou's life.

So Dids, the bullet came out there?

How'd that feel?

I nearly die.

Yeah, shit question.

I see you like basketball.

Hey Harpo, did you really see the ghost of a pig?

Yeah, when I was eight.

That's why I don't eat pork.

Hey, Burindi was '92 Olympics, yeah?

That was Barcelona, mate.

Sayyid, where is Alleppo?

What's left of it is in the north of Syria.

Yeah, 'cause nothin's comin' up on TripAdvisor.

Harpo, thou art also a Shakespeare fan?

He yay verily goes all right.

Hey Troy, you didn't even mention

that I shagged the Miss New Zealand contestant in Bali.

What the hell are you doing?

Just cornflour and pomegranate, you dickhead.

You are the angriest hippie I have ever met.

What, what is the Archibald anyway?

It's Australia's pre-eminent portrait prize and Harpo's gonna win it.

So suck it up and sit still.

Didier, what is Igishakamba?

It's a type of casserole I think, isn't it?

No, no, no. It's a dance in Burundi.

I show you.

Okay.

- Woo! - Yeah, mate.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Oh, mate!

Oh, my God!

This is the best bit.

Oh.

School Shoes.

What's this rubbish he's got 'em doing?

For a bloke who reckons he loves trees,

he doesn't mind knockin' 'em down to print any of this drivel, does he?

Anyway, I've gotta scoot.

So, you be good, okay?

See you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Can you read that somewhere else, please?

It's my kitchen.

Possession is 9/10 of the law.

You haven't cooked even a slice of toast in here

for the last 25 years, so shuffle along.

Get over yourself and go to bloody football training with her, will you?

The girls from book club will be here in 10 minutes.

A man's not welcome in his own footy club, in his own home.

Your violin needs tuning.

Look at you, would you?

Leadin' book club one night

and Wog dancing the next.

What's this?

Vagina Monologues, what's that even mean?

It's a play Angie and I are going to.

Look at it will you, there's not a space on it.

Are you preparing for when I'm not around?

Oh, don't do that.

The Doc gave you the all clear.

Get on with living.

That's what I'm doing.

Brett's been gone just over a year

and you're living like nothin' happened.

And Angie's worse,

carrying on with Troy like her husband never existed.

Stop it!

Why do you think

that this is so much harder for you than anybody else?

I ache...

every time I think of him.

Whoa! Look at that action.

Oh.

Beautiful!

Canola bowler champion wants more.

Lovely.

All right, who's up next?

- Who's up? - I'll go.

Come on, Neil, your shot.

So in the end, Tou was in detention for nearly 10 years.

Just before the Ban Vanai Refugee Camp closed...

Tou's family hid in the northern plains of Thailand...

fearing they were gonna be sent back to Laos.

His father was caught and imprisoned.

His mother died shortly afterwards,...

of malnutrition.

Take your time, mate.

His aunt and uncle that live in the USA...

are his only living relatives.

It's okay, Harpo.

Thank you.

Good shed talk.

We do thing now.

Also,...

Tou's really good at doing the fainting goat thing.

Bodgy Creek Foodworks is the place to be this week.

Paloumey an incredible $3.50.

- White ... for 15.99... - Yeah, that's pretty cool.

- Bye, mate, I'll see you tomorrow. - for 500 mil bottle.

Bodgy Creek Foodworks,

where the whole world comes to shop

in the middle of nowhere.

Can you come to the Show Us Your Dad/Guardian Day?

Oh, yeah.

Krystal said you can't bring granddads.

But I asked Ms. Chadwick and she said it's okay.

Yes, mate, I'll come.

Hey, look, there's Sayyid. We should give him a lift.

Mmm.

He lives next door to you now.

Hhh!

Why do you hate refugees so much?

I don't hate 'em.

They just don't belong here.

Who does belong here?

Well, I don't know.

You, your Nana, your mum,...

your dad.

We're forgettin' who we are.

Change is,...

change is no good.

I like change.

Krystal just got moved to a different work table today.

And I feel like a new man.

Hello!

Uh, this is my family,

my wife, Fazela, and my daughter, Sima.

- Hi! - How are you?

Thank you very much. Please, go inside.

I'll be in in a minute.

Thank you.

So tonight, former Chief Minister,

Gary Humphreys who will move to the senate in the new--

Budgie pooh freezes in three seconds.

It's like having a pet that craps ice magic.

You've gotta get one.

You didn't get it?

No.

How'd you go on site?

Well, the current output is being diminished to a considerable degree

by the shortfall in requisite skills

that would favorably enhance a positive outcome.

So, shithouse?

With the exception of Sayyid,

this is not a talent pool within which one would expect to drown.

Volume, Nev.

I've got over a thousand signatures, Rebekah.

This is a project our community does not want.

And the whole thing has gone ahead without community approval.

Have you seen the plans for the community hub, Rebekah?

They may as well be building a mosque!

Bull Barlow there.

So it looks like Carrington is up to his old tricks.

Notorious for his role in closing the Bodgy Creek Mill,

Carrington is once again using his fame

to divide the very community that welcomed him back.

Hey.

You all right?

Just realized I wasn't thirsty anymore.

Yeah.

You knew it wasn't gonna be easy.

I'm trying to save their footy club, Angie.

Half this town look at me like I've shat in their litter box.

Also not easy.

Gotta start winning games.

Good chat.

Why did you let me make this shit, Carlos and Brigita?

It tastes like a troll shat in a rainbow.

♪ I'd love to have a beer with Tou Pou ♪

♪ I'd love to have a beer with Tou ♪

Right. Your opponent gets away from you.

What midfielder from yonder stoppage breaks.

Good stuff.

Harpo, you've cracked the shits with the umpire, what do you say?

Goodly umpire, thine eyes deceive thee.

Thy judgment is clouded by thy kinship to the maggot!

- Excellent. - Stoop.

Roosters stoop and let us bathe our hands

in our enemy's blood up to the elbows!

Bit full on.

And by this tongue, thou shalt deceive thy foe.

So hasten forth and return not

to this flimsy canvas pavilion

til thou has bested thy enemy!

- Yeah! - Yeah, come on!

The Roosters have fought hard today

and are on the verge of a very unexpected victory.

- You're all right? - School Shoes is gone.

- Good luck. - Shit!

How long to go?

Two minutes.

Frog Feet, back on.

Goodly opponent,

this night hence I did bed thy bride.

And she yay verily went off like the clappers.

Sayyid, Sayyid, Sayyid!

I'm not gonna mop it, Sayyid...

The Roosters have won it.

I can't believe it!

The crowd is bowling over.

♪ Oh, we're from Bodgy Creek ♪

♪ We are the Roosters, and it's flags we seek ♪

♪ In any weather you will see us with a grin, grin ♪

♪ Rifling through the bin, bin ♪

♪ We fight and fight and fight and fight ♪

♪ But rarely ever win ♪

♪ For we're from Bodgy Creek ♪

♪ We're never beat until the final cock has crowed ♪

♪ Cockadoo ♪

♪ Like the Roosters of old, we're fat and we're bald ♪

♪ For we're from Bodgy, maroon, blue, and white ♪

♪ For we're from Bodgy Creek ♪

- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah!

All right, boys!

Open bar at the Bottom Pub,

beers, wines, and cordials are on me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I prepare this for when we win.

Bodgy Creek song in Arabic.

Hey, hey, hey!

Oi, oi!

If you don't like singin' it in our language,

then piss off.

What is this man's problem?

Well, you not passin' the ball for a start.

You are black pot calling black kettle black.

Not handball,...

not chase,...

not dirty.

Ooh!

Yeah, let's go, Sultana.

- Oi, oi! - Ease, ease up!

Ease up, ease up.

All right, settle down.

Everyone grab your gear,

head down to the ball's club, and hit the showers.

This man not need shower.

Fire!

Fire! I said fire!

Get out, get out!

Get out, get out, get out!

Graham, get out of there! Fuck!

- No, no, no, no! - Don't do it, Snapper, no!

I got Graham!

Congrats to the Roosters.

Their first win in three years.

Though the resulting fire somewhat dampened the celebrations.

I understand it's the first time

one club has lost two club rooms in a season

since the Mt. Stuart sinkhole saga back in '67.

Ow!

I thought they were tiny capsicums.

I give you an eye bath and you will be fine, Porterhouse.

It's smaller than I hoped.

What does it say, Sayyid?

I like...

cordial.

Are you serious?

Well, if you'd apologized like I asked you to

I wouldn't have to suspend you.

I'm done, I'm done.

And you know what, Troy?

You can shove your refos up your ass.

Refos up your ass?

That's the worst detention center ever.

What are you up to tomorrow?

Not a lot.

Well,...

I reckon it's about time that you were introduced to some canola bowling.

Oh! Here we go.

Ah!

They're a bit small.

They're bowling shoes.

They're not supposed to be comfortable.

I'm losing circulation in my toes.

Ah, did you hear that, mate?

I reckon you got him rattled.

He's started making excuses already.

He's got a right to be afraid.

Canola bowler champion,...

three years running.

Count 'em and weep, Carrington.

Ooh.

Yeah, I'm just hearin' this, Barlow.

How about you walk the walk?

Go on and show him how it's done, champ.

Ooh!

Yes!

Say, ooh, whoa!

Yeah, you got lucky, Barlow.

If it hadn't that rock, it'd would've been a gutter ball.

Yeah, enough trash talking, Tiny Shoes.

How about you have a bowl?

All right.

Come on, Carrots, let's see what you got.

Sou'easter.

Ooh ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Hey, hey?

Hey, hey, hey?

- Uh, whatever. - Look at that.

I'll get it.

He...

He hasn't wanted to play this since the accident.

He bloody loves you.

Nah, he's just got a thing for hermits.

Yeah, I don't mind 'em myself.

Well, any response to that...

might impact on my status as a hermit.

I found it!

Time to switch to the footy.

- Hang on a second. - Now, mate.

You've watched that clip too much anyway.

- I filmed this yesterday. - Heh?

Yeah!

Where is she?

- Who? - Don't you bullshit me.

If by she you mean Angie, she's not here.

You keep away from her.

I'd seen you playing canola bowl, you thievin' bastard.

That's my son's wife and my son's kid.

No, it's just not right.

You replacin' him like he, like he never existed.

I'm not tryin' to replace anyone.

You're a pot stirrer, Carrington. You always have been.

I can't imagine what it would have been like

- to lose Brett, but-- - No, you bloody can't!

So I'll say it once again.

You keep away from her.

And you know what?

Your old man would tell you to do exactly the same thing.

What the hell are you doing to this place?

I'm making a living out of it.

I reckon he would have been all right with that.

Oh, yeah.

And he would've been happy that I was trying to save

the footy club that you ran into the ground.

You!

Uh.

- Bull! - Oh!

- Bull? - Oh.

Bull!

He's gonna be fine.

What was it?

A combination of meds,

low blood pressure, stress.

He just needs to look after himself.

Righto.

He said,...

he said to say thanks for taking care of him,

despite what was said.

Yeah.

No drama.

So,...

what was said?

We had some conflicting points of view.

On?

On, well,...

my old man,...

biodynamic farming, and...

And?

He was fairly clear

that us spending any time together wasn't his preferred outcome.

Oh.

And what's your...

preferred outcome?

Not his.

Oh.

Good.

Well, I better get back to the old bastard.

Right, well, let's all thank Mr. Carter.

Thank you, Mr. Carter.

Does anyone think they might want to work in an abattoir?

- So, uh, let's have Mr.-- - Uh, I'll, I'll go next.

Uh, so it's all right.

I, I've got undies on. I, I just...

See, a friend hid my clothes, otherwise I would have changed.

Right, so, um,

I'm Bull.

And, and yous can call me Bull.

Is that your real name?

No, no.

Then what is it?

Uh, Gabriel.

Anyway, I'm lived here for a long time.

So, uh, any questions?

You're not Neil's dad.

No, I'm his granddad.

Where's his dad?

Krystal, let's give some of the other kids a turn.

Uh, no, no, no. It's, it's all right. Um...

Well, Neil's dad, he uh,...

he, he, he, he couldn't be here because he's um...

had an accident uh...

a year ago,...

on his motorbike.

And, um,...

so I'm here instead.

For Neil.

Um, um, um,...

Ms. Chadwick, um...

it's a bit harder than I thought.

Mr. Bull.

Losing son and father is very bad thing.

My father was murdered in front of me and brother,...

which makes me very sad.

A long time, I cannot think.

I'm always angry,...

even at the small things.

Then I knew I must find safe home for wife, Fazela, and daughter, Sima...

away from civil war.

A long time, I must wait in hot shit place.

Sorry, Ms. Chadwick, I should not say shit in school.

I'm sorry you lose your son, Gabriel.

Uh, it's Bull.

I cannot call you Gabriel?

This is beautiful name.

Your mother give you this name.

Why you want to be called man cow?

Uh...

- Famous root, Enya. - Enya?

- Yeah, while her music's playing. - Oh.

Don't diss the Celtic priestess.

And yours?

- No, I'm not gonna say what mine-- - Come on.

- No! - I told you mine.

- It's embarrassing. - That's all right.

- It's Captain Von Trapp. - Oh.

- That's weird. - Oh.

You'd end up with six extra kids.

No, you're over thinking this.

This is famous root, not famous marry.

No, I don't believe in coitus out of wedlock, so...

That's a shame.

What?

- What is it? - Nothing.

No, what is it? There's something wrong, is it?

Is it Bull?

And the rest.

I don't wanna give this town anymore reasons to hate me.

I don't, I just held your hand, you dickhead.

Or does that mean we're betrothed in your archaic views on courting?

- Indeed it does. - Mmm.

Living in a small town...

surrounded by your dead husband's mates

is a particular brand of lonely.

When they're sober, they...

don't know what to say and when they're drunk,...

well, they wanna do more than hold your hand.

That must make you miss him all the more.

Yeah, it does.

So much.

But that doesn't mean I just give up.

Anyone who still hates you is a bloody idiot.

I mean, look what you have done.

It's amazing.

You're amazing.

If I had walked in here tonight

and found that you were curing a bunch of lepers,

I would have just shrugged and gone. Yeah, I figured.

I would never expose you to that kind of risk.

Got the whole colony locked in the shed. So...

- Oh, no. - What?

Oh, my God.

You've got a black spot.

It's the first symptom.

Oh, that's disappointing.

Yeah.

I could,...

I could kiss it off.

Prr!

That's an unorthodox course of treatment.

Could be worth a try.

Hey guys.

Hey, Snaps.

This is, um,...

- standard leprosy treatment. - Fair enough.

Sorry, Troy, I just needed to show you this.

I crushed up some quandong berries and mixed it with your wine,

and look, organic nail polish remover!

One coat and, and it was gone.

Does it also make blokes that lob up uninvited disappear?

Sorry, I just need to grab some flagons

straight out of your fermentor.

Go for your life.

♪ I remember when I was a lad ♪

♪ Kickin' a footy around my backyard ♪

♪ Me and the cousins ♪

♪ We tried to kick a goal ♪

♪ What a time we had ♪

♪ I said we played with heart ♪

♪ We played with our heart and soul ♪

♪ It's the best game in the world ♪

♪ For young old ♪

♪ It's my ♪

♪ - football team ♪ ♪ - Football team ♪

♪ Yeah, my football team ♪

- Go Roosters!

Go on.

As we practiced, you wait for Tou's signal, okay?

You do the thing,

Porterhouse will come up the guts,

Goober will drill you.

All right, let's go.

Good stuff, Porterhouse.

♪ Me and my ♪

♪ - football team ♪ ♪ - Football team ♪

♪ Yeah, my ♪

♪ - football team ♪ ♪ - Football team ♪

♪ Foul puttin' and a-playin' ♪

♪ Tryin' to put him off his game ♪

♪ For my ♪

♪ - football team ♪ ♪ - Football team ♪

♪ Yeah, my ♪

♪ - football team ♪ ♪ - Football team ♪

♪ Well, it's the color of your jumper ♪

♪ Not the color of your skin ♪

♪ Yeah, it's the color of your jumper ♪

♪ Not the color of your skin ♪

Forwards Plato,

German Measles,

and Tolstoy Rucks.

- Porterhouse? - Well done.

Sorry, Troy.

Harpo, Carpet Burn, Sayyid, interchange.

Anpu, Suresh, School Shoes, and Iraqi Kevin,

emergency snapper.

Good luck.

Uh, yeah, and you guys, whoever's takin' the bus

we're leavin' the pub at 11 o'clock sharp.

So don't be late.

- What are you doing? - What?

Why isn't Snapper playing?

It's the semi-final.

We have to beat the best team, he knows that.

Does he?

I think you might have to explain it to him.

Picking Carpet Burn ahead of Snapper

goes against everything you've been trying to do here.

Oh, come on, Angie. We're that close now.

Close to what?

Look.

Look at all this, this team.

That's your victory.

Snapper.

Hey, hey, hey!

Woo!

Hey.

Whoa!

- Boys, boys! - Hey.

You can start paintin' the premiership plank, boys.

The beers are on me!

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't go too hard,

'cause you got a premiership to win next week!

Yeah!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Who is the best player today, Sayyid?

Uh, this is a very hard question.

It was me, of course!

Oi, oi, nope.

I kicked four goals.

I think we all know Carpets was B-O-G!

- Hey! - Come on.

We're in the Grannie, boys.

We're in the Grannie, let's drink to it!

Yeah!

Come on, mate, have a beer.

- Come on, we won. - No, thank you.

- Come on, have a beer. - No, thank you.

Scull, scull, scull.

- Scull, scull. - No, thank you.

- Scull, scull, scull. - No.

Knock it off, Carpets.

Come on down to the Bodgy Creek Bowling Club.

Open Day, this Sunday.

There'll be barefoot bowls for prospective members

and we'll be raffling the biggest meat tray

in the southern hemisphere.

And entertainment will be provided by new local, Tou Pou.

who will play the traditional

- Oi, Sayyid! - Hmong flute.

Save some energy for the Final, mate.

Can you please?

I must go Ms. Angie office.

I must get Visa for brother, Ammad, and mother.

- Not safe. - Get in, get in.

Hello, you have called Sayyid.

Please leave a message and I will try to call you back.

Uh, Fran.

Is Sayyid in?

Yeah, he is, love, but -

He didn't come to training, of all weeks.

You haven't heard, love.

Heard what?

Sayyid's brother, Ammad.

There was a raid in Alleppo.

- He was shot and killed. - Oh, no.

No.

His mum?

She wasn't hurt.

Angie's been on the blower all night

trying to fast-track a visa.

Should I go in?

They've only just gone to sleep, love.

Okay.

Thanks.

♪ I am your true shepherd ♪

♪ I will lead you there ♪

♪ Beside still waters ♪

♪ Come and meet me in the middle of the air ♪

♪ I will meet you in the middle of the air ♪

♪ I will lay you down ♪

♪ In pastures green and fair ♪

♪ Every soul shall be restored ♪

♪ I will meet them in the middle of the air ♪

♪ Come and meet me in the middle of the air ♪

♪ Through the lonesome valley ♪

♪ My rod and staff you'll bear ♪

♪ Fear not death's dark shadow ♪

♪ I will meet you in the middle of the air ♪

♪ Come and meet me in the middle of the air ♪

Does your mum know you're here?

She's at the theater.

What's a monologue?

It's when an actor in a play does a speech on their own.

Mmm, then I think I need you to re-explain to me what a vagina is.

Uh-huh.

- What are you making? - Hey!

I'll show you later.

When it's finished.

You can film me if you want.

- Really? - Yeah.

Interview 28 with Troy Carrington.

Why did you pick Carpet Burn instead of Snapper?

He's a good player.

He's also a dickhead.

He apologized for the way he acted.

Krystal said she was sorry,...

and flushed my sun hat in the toilet the next day.

She's a dickhead.

I see your point.

Do you reckon it would have hurt?

What, mate?

Sayyid's brother gettin' shot.

Oh.

Yeah, probably.

At first. But...

sometimes it can happen so fast that...

you might only feel it for a second.

And then they die?

Yeah, mate.

They reckon my dad died instantly.

So he wouldn't have felt anything, right?

I'd say.

Did your mum die instantly?

She went the best way.

In her sleep.

I took in her a peppermint tea and she wouldn't wake up.

Do you miss her?

You never stop missing them.

I don't want my mum to die...

instantly,...

or even in slow motion.

Neither do I.

I don't want you to die second most.

Thanks.

Used to be Nana and Grandaddy equal second.

Now they're equal third.

Who's your top three?

I don't mind being...

second if...

mum's number one.

That sounds fair.

He was keeping me alive.

Everyday I miss wife, I miss daughter.

I am sad, I am angry.

Everyday Ammad would tell me, Sayyid be strong.

One day we be free, yes?

Then when government man come and say Sayyid, Ammad,

you are not real refugees.

Not real?

How can he say this?

So I tell this stupid man,

Assad government troops kill my father

because they say we are rebels!

If we go home, terrorists will kill us.

Chemical weapons will kill us, bombs will kill us!

But Ammad, he...

he is quiet.

Then he say,...

Sayyid, I have enough.

I go home.

I was so angry, I, I say nothing.

But they take him at night.

I did not get to say goodbye to my brother.

I make snot bubble like baby.

Get him a tissue.

100% linen?

Sayyid not animal.

Gabriel get Sayyid a tissue!

Uh...

Thank you.

I still play Grand Final.

No, mate.

It's just a game.

But you will lose if Sayyid not play.

Probably.

I miss my brother.

I know you do.

I know you do, mate.

Oh, hello.

It's the dickhead who canceled training on Grand Final week.

It's the right thing to do.

Yeah, whatever you say, coach of the year.

You're not playing.

What? Yeah right.

Thought I'd let you know before we put the teams in the bakery window.

Well, you are joking.

I'm not.

Explain to me why you would drop

the Best and Fairest winner of the last two years.

Sometimes the fairest bit gets overlooked.

Troy.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck!

Mate, I need to apologize.

What for?

You should have played last weekend.

- Nah, that's, that's all right. - No, it's not.

You're the one who's backed this

since I turned up to the first training session with mime footballs.

I'm pretty good at mime footy.

There's none better.

I was gonna tell you about this before, but with Sayyid, I didn't wanna--

Tell me what?

Oh, my God. Come in, come in, come in.

Guys.

Look, I knew it worked.

I, I just, I couldn't work out why?

And then I told Didier about the alpacas

spitting in the wine vats, and then...

boing!

And it's not even just nail polish remover.

Yes, I tweak the formula

and also made a wallpaper remover.

It works as radiator coolant too.

Insect repellent not work.

We're gonna call it...

Cleano Noir.

Yes, no, yes?

I like it.

I set up the online shop.

The pre-orders are overwhelming.

Every cent goes to Sayyid.

Ah!

And Tou's malaria shots.

Rooster! Rooster! Rooster! Rooster!

It's the Rooster's first Grand Final since 1994

and the crowds are pouring into the Cougar cage.

It's going off like a forgotten hot dog in a thermos here today.

And if the Roosters can pull off this upset,

well, I'm not a drinking man, but...

I'll be asking Neville for a lemon lime and double bitters.

When the guards ask me to play football on Nauru,...

I tell them that Ammad should play.

And they say no.

He is small like horse jockey.

I don't want to leave him...

but he say to me, "No, Sayyid,...

play the game for me."

Today,...

I play the game for my brother Ammad.

Armad!

Not Armad!

You speak shit Arabic.

Yeah.

All right, give the man some space.

Go and get changed.

Grab a possie.

Snapper.

Where's Didier from?

Bujumbura, Burindi.

Harpo.

What's Tou's phobia?

Balloons popping.

Didier.

What nickname does Suresh give his genitals?

The gentlemen below.

True.

For a while, I forgot

how much you blokes look out for each other.

And I don't mean out there on the field.

Goober.

This bloke,...

he drove Tou to Canberra to help sort out his visa issues.

Snapper paid for Did's chemistry accreditation.

And last night under the pump,

this bloke, Porterhouse, organized meals for Sayyid's family.

Well done!

But you don't go on about it.

Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this,

for it shall come to pass that every braggart

shall be found an ass.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act Four.

Bang on the money, Harps.

I lost sight of that.

And I'm so sorry.

But today we take it to the next level.

Today we get to know the Hudson's Flat blokes inside out.

Now I want you to spend the first quarter

getting to know everything you can about your opponent.

They may wear a different jumper

but doesn't mean we have to hate 'em.

I know you don't wanna hear this, but uh,

it is the Cougars and I genuinely do hate them.

Fair point.

Goober, you've spent all year

getting to know people from all around the world.

These blokes live 23 kilometers away.

They breathe the same air.

They drink the same water.

They've got the same dickhead local member.

Microscopically speaking, we're gonna improve the world

for maybe 100 minutes.

Bonus if we put 'em off their game.

Righto.

Ruffy.

Okay, he's on the paleo diet.

Talks about nothing else apparently.

You get Boof talking about racing pigeons,

you will not shut him up.

Yeah, he may look neanderthal

but the man keeps an immaculate aviary.

Actually, he's very sensitive about being adopted.

So, tread lightly.

- Yeah. - Good to know.

Hibbert.

Very keen to give musical theater a go.

Yeah, light opera in particular.

Yeah, okay.

And Ponko, now, either he has worms

or he has the hots for the Hudson Flat chemist nurse.

He was in there three times yesterday.

If it is worms, he should take Praziquental.

Or Albenzadole.

Bit of meat on a string takes 'em out.

That's a bit full on.

All right, boys, up on your feet.

Today we invert the paradigm.

I want you to go out there,

shake your hands with your opponent,

and metaphorically speaking, never let it go!

Yeah!

Come on! Come on!

- Come on. - Ah!

Knee heavy.

Here you go, princess.

Hang on, we're one short again.

Don't worry about that. Keep yourself pumped up.

Today we do it for Ammad and School Shoes.

Boys, come on.

Come on, Roosters!

Excuse me, boys. Excuse me, boys.

Whoa!

Righto, boys.

We got a Grannie to win!

There's the bounce.

And we are under way in the big one!

That's so cool, Weetbix.

I thought you had to be, like, a doctor or a nurse

to join Medicines San Frontiers.

Nah, I'm just delivering supplies.

I just need a Level Three First Aid Certificate.

Got your injections yet?

I hate needles.

What?!

Well done, my protoge!

Sorry, Weetbix.

Well, that's full on, Boof.

What was it like when you finally met him?

It was weird, Goob.

Even though he was me biological dad,

there was just no connection there.

Showed a complete lack of interest when I showed him me pigeon coops.

Haven't seen him since.

Oh!

Sorry to hear, mate.

Porterhouse! Come on, mate!

Come on, Well done!

Well done!

Well done indeed, Porterhouse.

Well, that's the end of the first quarter

and good news, the Roosters are up by 13 points.

I've been on paleo for the last six months.

Paleo's overrated, Ruffy.

I haven't eaten meat for the past seven years.

Look at the size of me, pal.

If you like the chemist nurse, Ponko,

ask her out.

What if she has a boyfriend?

Well, she won't be your boyfriend

if you always buy medicine you don't need.

She probably think you dying.

Or worse,...

have penis disease.

Poplarville's got a light opera company.

They did an amazing production of lolanthe last year.

You know what?

I'll get the musical director to give you a call.

That'd be awesome, Troy.

All right, I'll let him know.

- Whoa! - Whoa! Yeah!

Lookin' good, boys!

Oh oh oh oh oh!

Yeah, Troy.

So, as I was saying,

we were effectively trapped between the rebels

and the government forces

while the artillery was pounding our home from both sides.

It is a miracle that we survived.

But of course, thousands weren't so lucky.

Have a great halftime break, guys!

Well, butter my crumpets on both sides,

the Roosters are up by 21 points

going into the third quarter,

which has just got under way. Perhaps, in a second.

Tell your ex that you forgive her.

It might give you closure.

You're bloody right, Ruffy.

Get a hold of 'em, get 'em!

I'd never thought of it like that.

Just have a beer with him.

Not as father and son, but as mates.

- Yeah, thanks, Goober. - No worries, mate.

Well, that's 3/4 time

and the Roosters might just be in front,

but the Cougars have all the momentum.

Yeah, we're still in this, we're still in this.

In nice and close, in nice and close.

All right, it worked for us early on but they're onto us now,

so we need to ease up on the friendly chatter.

Oh, Troy, I am this close to gettin' Boof

to call his biological dad and give it another crack.

Weetbix is gonna write me a reference

to Medicine Sans Frontier, which would be amazing.

Oi, oi, oi, oi!

Put a bloody sock in it!

Look at yourselves.

Go on, have a bloody good look at yourselves.

This bloke here...

has made you lot into a team. I'm buggered if I know how.

But we are so close to nailing another premiership plank

on that gum tree, I can smell the eucalypt.

Go on, smell it!

Go on, smell it!

Smell it!

Now pull your heads in and listen to your coach.

- Yeah. - Come on, boys.

I love you all, boys.

You heard the club custodian.

All we gotta do to earn a flag is...

Keep doing it until we are not shit!

All clear.

All right, Porterhouse, you're up.

Get in there, boy, get in there!

Another goal to Sayyid

and the Roosters are now just a kick away

from an historic victory.

I tell ya what, this is the best individual performance I've seen

since one-armed Glenn Farrell

won the Wood chop at the Bodgy Creek Show.

He's streaming down the middle like the '93 floods.

Lovely shepherd there

- from Snapper. - Come on, mate!

And, oh, oh, he's fended that fella off

like he was made of balsam wood.

Copy book 1-2 combo with Didier.

He's running into the open goal

as the seconds tick down in the game, and it hit the post.

- Oh! - Bugger.

That's disappointing.

Well, with less than a minute to go

I reckon the Roosters have time for one more play,

but that's it.

It's not in our stars to hold our destiny.

It's in ourselves!

Here, mate.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh.

Mime handball, go!

What?

Oh!

Play on!

- Holding the ball. - Yeah, guilty!

Yes!

What a terrific tackle from Snapper.

He's got a shot for goal here and...

Oh, dear.

Siren's gone.

Well, if Snapper kicks this one, the Roosters win.

You got this, Snaps.

Goobs, Goobs, no, I can't do this!

Troy, I can't kick it that far.

Do you reckon you'd kick a mime footy that far?

Yeah, easy.

That wasn't a mime bloke you tackled.

You'll be all right.

Boys, boys, boys, boys.

All right, boys.

It's time to go old school refugee.

Yeah!

Oh, Snaps.

Come on, Snaps.

Moses!

Yeah!

The Roosters have premiered!

Smell the bloody eucalpyt!

Is my leprosy playing up?

Like you wouldn't believe.

Hey, time and a place, you two.

We've got a song to sing!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

♪ We're from Bodgy Creek ♪

♪ We're from Bodgy Creek ♪

♪ We're never beat until the final cock has crowed ♪

♪ Cockadoo ♪

♪ Like the Roosters of old, we're fat and we're bald ♪

♪ For we're from Bodgy, maroon, blue, and white ♪

♪ For we're from Bodgy Creek ♪

So after being an absolutely bullshit team for my whole life,

the Roosters have suddenly come good

and won the premiership.

And that's not all!

Sayyid became the first person to win a permanent visa

and the League Best and Fairest in the same season.

Some TV producer heard about Porterhouse

and his legendary sweet and sour Chicken Kiev

and he ended up on the telly.

Snapper and Didier's Cleano Noir start up

has really started to kick goals.

Once Tou finally stopped using the pole as a spear,

he became the best totem tennis player

to ever come out of Bodgy Creek.

Suresh's new club room design

won him international recognition.

He's currently working on a Taj Mahal-inspired rebuild

of the Bodgy Creek Bowls Club.

Harpo moved on from his broken heart

and went on to win the Archibald Packer's Prize.

Grandad really started to embrace the changes around town.

Sayyid has started to teach him how to swear in Arabic.

So how did my documentary end up?

Boo-yah!

Thanks for asking.

So how did Troy Carrington go from being a Town Killer

with no mates to a Premiership Coach?

Troy, how did you turn that rabble into a not shithouse team?

Sorry, mate, do I know you?

This is gonna go at the end of the documentary.

And you are?

Neil!

Not ringing any bells.

You're wrecking it.

Sorry, mate.

You're the worst, Troy,

- and you always will be. - Uh, Net, Net, No, Nobby.

Nobhead!