Original subtitles

- Previously on "The Magicians."

- Alice is fine. - Depressed.

Surly.

Still asking to see you again.

- She's fixated on the thing

she says she saw in the Castle.

She's worried about her friends.

- I can't think of anyone - better protected than they.

They must stay where they are as they are.

- They'll be fine.

Your spellwork was was masterful.

- There's something you need to know

and as soon as I start telling you about this,

bad shit is gonna start flying at our heads.

- So how do we figure out who we really are?

- Hi. I'm Marina.

I'm here to help.

- So you're like some powerful, benevolent

White Witch?

- Uh-huh.

Let's take a peek underneath and see what you

really look like.

- Fix it.

- I don't know what you want me to fix!

- Whatever the matter is in Fillory!

- Hello?

Hello?!

- Old.

Things get old so fast, don't they?

- Sorry, but where are we?

- I told you, Greece.

- Right, right.

- This is the temple of the god we are summoning.

Enyalius.

God of war.

- Thought that was Ares.

Say that when you see him.

It makes him so mad.

So okay. Go in the woods.

Get a pig.

- Excuse me?

- A wild pig.

The younger the better.

- Sorry, I don't mean to be difficult,

but couldn't you just conjure one?

- Hmm, no.

It has to be caught with human hands

and stained with human effort.

You know, that, that stuff

that comes out of your skin.

- Sweat?

- Hurry.

What the fuck did you do?

- I didn't do anything.

That spell's a cunt with fangs.

- I thought your amulet was supposed to protect us.

- It did. You're alive and welcome, asshole.

- Well, great, that didn't work

and we're back to square one.

Yeah?

- Hello, whoever you are.

Do not tamper with my enchantment.

- Holy shit, it's James Earl Jones!

- Shut. Up.

- Yes, you've triggered a read-me file voicemail.

And no, you may not take me off speaker phone.

You will not circumvent or defeat this spell.

Whoever you are, walk away.

Now.

Or your death is as certain

as those I've enchanted.

- So spells are basically credit cards

with automated fraud warning calls?

That's not super inspired.

- Well, neither is Henry Fogg.

You are his favorite students, right?

Sit in the kitchen

until I tell you it's safe.

You stay.

- She scares me.

- Yeah, well, she's not the one with the Glock.

- I've got a theory about you, stud.

- Stand close.

- Ooh.

- Oh, Henry.

Such a good try.

What are you doing?

Ow.

I'm making you useful.

- Wait.

Where's Janet?

- Hello?

Anyone?

Mother Nature, can you hear me?

Wow, forests don't even talk.

Whole psychotic break just lacks imagination.

- Again.

- Jesus.

- Dude.

The chips.

- How am I doing this?

- Yes.

This pond better be vodka.

- Your Majesty?

- Jesus fuck.

- Forgive the suddenness of my introduction.

I know you're not quite yourself, King Margo.

- What are you?

Where am I?

And why does everybody in this nightmare

keep calling me king?

Is that even a thing?

- I'll endeavor to explain.

- Hello.

You're being kind of quiet.

Look, you're nice and all.

Sort of. But I could use some intel on this place

but how do I know you're not a snitch?

- Well, because like it or not, I'm Santa.

Which used to mean I was once

considered fairly honest.

Reasonably reliable, but I, I don't know.

Maybe, uh... slightly admired.

Then all of the sudden everyone's like, "Hey."

You break into houses once

"a year. What's up with that?"

And, uh, "Kids sit on your lap."

How is that not creepy?"

Congratulations, Earth.

You ruined the name of Santa.

So you don't want to hear from me?

Good.

'Cause I'm sure you don't need

this thing I could get you.

Called magic.

- How?

- I am the Lord of All Fillorian Fresh Water.

Which is a bit pretentious,

so, please, call me Lord Fresh.

- Assuming this is actually happening,

you pulled me down here.

Why?

- Your birthright box.

- You and my birth box ain't happening

so back up, "Shape of Water."

- No, no.

Your birthright box.

There.

- Oh.

Right.

- No, Majesty!

If you touch it, it will harm you.

Even my protective wards couldn't save you.

- You know about that spell shit?

I'm really somebody else,

and if I try to figure out who

shit clobbers me, burns me?

- Correct.

Though, as I said, you're safe down here.

Your birthright box, which it has been

my honor to guard, dictated your absence

from the kingdom, your loss of self,

and your return this day and hour.

But I must caution.

It also predicted that you would learn what it is

to live and rule alone.

- Yeah? Well, alone's my jam, grenouille.

And no matter what, I rule.

- Your enchantment is most powerful.

I'm not sure that my wards will hold.

To come back and claim your destiny,

you must find the god

who summoned you in the dream.

Please accept my apologies.

I'm afraid I can't keep you as safe as I had hoped.

Walk toward the mountains.

- My destiny is to die of pneumonia, isn't it?

You can tell me.

- Hardly, Majesty.

Please return when the spell is lifted.

Here's your lunch.

- Ugh!

- Well, if he did anything like my Henry,

he keeps most of his secrets...

in here.

Todd.

- Oh, my God.

Hansel?

- Hey.

- We gotta hustle.

- Yeah, uh... anything I can do?

- Yeah. Take your shirt off and make me a sandwich.

- Sorry, but I'm starved.

If it helps, I'm vegan, so this sucks for me too.

- Todd? Jesus, are you drunk?

Marina.

- Hello, Henry.

- What is this?

What did you do?

- It's the same blue shit you gave Hansel.

Only I knew you wouldn't drink it at my request.

So here's the deal.

Give yourself the antidote.

- There is no antidote.

- Bullshit.

- Whoa, hoo, hoo, hoo!

So it's true!

Everything she's been telling us is true!

- Us?

Who else is involved in this?

- Pretty much all of your apple-shining,

ass-kissing teacher's pets.

- Christ.

Whatever she's saying she's

going to do to help you, she isn't.

And how are you talking about this without...

- Being attacked by the world?

It's magic, remember?

- What timeline are you from?

- The one where you owe me child support.

I'm kidding.

So the spell takes what, a day to kick in?

It's almost dawn.

You say there's no antidote.

You better get to a lab and get to it.

Because I'm not turning you into a DJ.

No.

You won't like the new you.

- Unless you have a secret dream - to live in a moving box.

- You just hit the rethink button, okay?

Let's go.

- Bye.

- Jesus.

- Todd.

How long have you been awake?

- We need to get you some help.

- No. And what you just saw dies with you.

Do you understand?

- This cannot continue.

- An infinity of pardons,

Acting High King Fen.

There is an urgent matter.

- An urgent poacher?

- Who claims to be the High King.

- So an urgent, insane poacher.

- Was my first thought. - Until?

- The name... was uttered.

- So.

You claim to be High King... Margo?

- No!

- Ow!

- There you have it.

- So every time you say...

- Weird, huh?

- You look nothing like... her.

- Look.

I'm not saying I'm who we are not talking about.

But I had this dream where this goat god, Amber?

Ember.

- Whatevs.

Said I had to get here quick and dirty.

- The reports are true.

Ember has indeed returned to Fillory.

- Miraculously risen from the dead.

- Look. If you know where this Ember is...

- We don't, is the problem.

We don't want to find him.

We have to.

Something's happened since his return.

- Oh, I'm nodding so you hurry

and you get to something I actually understand.

- Oh.

Our air has always been graced

with what you on Earth call opium.

But now it's saturated.

For some it's tolerable.

Some get quite giddy, a few succumb to sleep

at the most inconvenient times,

and then there are those who...

- Dance.

In the nude.

- It sounds lighthearted,

but it's actually resulted in a number of deaths,

mainly in falling asleep in the wrong place

at the wrong time.

- Trampled in the middle of the road

being the most common.

Uh, however, a dancer did die of exposure

on a glacier, though, uh, by all accounts,

quite gracefully.

- Magic is now rationed.

And none of it is powerful enough to reverse this.

And since it coincides with Ember's return...

- His glorious resurrection and divine rule!

- We hope.

We've come to believe that this is his doing.

And perhaps if he could be told

of the damage it's causing, he could be convinced

to reverse this.

- Guys.

I need to stress how much I don't give a shit.

- Oh.

- But he's dodging you and he wants me.

So let's find the fucker.

- Sassy.

- Hi.

- Hi!

Kim, sorry, I'm late.

- No, this won't take long.

I think I'm flunking out.

- Oh, first year nerves, totally normal.

- No, no, no, I am literally failing everything.

I mean, if I could just pass one...

- And somebody told you I have a cheating spell.

- Yes.

- Okay, I will hook you up right now.

I'm trying not to freak.

- What's wrong? - I can't tell you.

- Okay.

- I promised.

- Right. - Dean Fogg is leaving. Shit!

Why did I just say that?

Because it's too much.

Why do I have to be the only one who knows?

- Wait, he's leaving?

Why?

- Oh, believe me, it is not his choice.

See, there's this Hedge Witch, and she...

Dean Fogg, hi!

Sorry I'm late.

I will give you every cheating spell I have

if you please don't repeat this, okay?

- Great. Thanks. - It's gonna be fine.

Oh, my God, this is horrible.

So even after you're gone, nothing about Marina

can go in the memoir?

- Write or breathe a single word

and there will be blood on your hands.

But the outstanding business I'm attending to today

should be recorded in minute detail.

Walter.

Walter.

You're the best drinking companion I've ever had.

- Thanks.

I mean, we only drank together twice.

- I'm a high-functioning alcoholic, Walter.

We prefer to do our serious drinking alone.

So that when we weep,

we can wallow in self-loathing

without embarrassment.

Did you get that, Todd?

- Fantastic.

- Excellent.

Walter, in my office bar is an unopened bottle

of 1977 Hollcroft single malt

that I was going to drink

if I ever committed suicide.

Enjoy, my dear friend.

It's not your fault I'm always broke, Ashley.

I'm a degenerate gambler who can use magic

to alter the outcome of any game.

But then I couldn't relive the secret shame

I've held since I was two years old.

What I crave most in the world

is the degradation of losing.

Thank you for every single moment of that.

- You're $56 short.

- You're a cutthroat bookie.

- Gold.

Magic has been a brutal series of disappointments.

And after having lived 40 timelines,

39 of which range from the comically horrendous

to the apocalyptically absurd, to find it was all

for nothing, well... leaving this life

actually feels liberating.

Hold this, Todd. Thank you.

- Okay.

- Tell Jennifer thank you and goodbye.

I had an affair with his wife.

He behaved abominably.

Do you find all this as cathartic as I do, Todd?

- I think you really hurt him.

- Well, back to my childhood.

I was raised by my grandmother,

the kindest, wisest person I've ever known.

Of course I could never tell her that

because all forms of intimacy horrify me.

"All forms of intimacy terrify the hell out of me."

Yes?

Kim. What can I do for you?

- Look, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't tell you this.

- Well, you probably shouldn't

have walked in and said that.

- I don't think that I belong here.

- As I said, it would take some time.

And, I promise, you do.

- Right, and you're literally the only one

that thinks that, and you're leaving.

- Todd.

- Look, it's not his fault.

- He's just upset. - I am too.

Anybody that knew would be.

- Please.

I probably owe you an explanation.

My life is mostly made up of regrets.

I'm not looking for contradiction or pity.

It's just a fact I'm suddenly forced to face.

But of all my many regrets

the greatest is something I did very recently

to some of the most maddeningly millennial students

I ever had.

- What... Were they gonna hit us?

- Advantage of being the spell caster.

I'll never be able to correct what I did to them.

But Kim, one day you might.

- Me?

- You have no idea what you're capable of.

I do.

- Okay, then if you want me to help these students

can you tell me who they are?

- Their lives were in grave danger.

I cast a spell that erased their identities

and gave them new ones, and now that same spell

has been cast on me.

- Jesus.

I mean, isn't there anything you can do?

- Well, if I reveal that the spell can be reversed,

then someone would reverse

the spell on my students, ensuring their deaths.

I will not allow that to happen.

I have to do this.

I must accept this.

- Ah, stubborn dude.

You got Plan B?

- B plans are for losers.

- Okay.

Uh, well, whatever happens, thank you for trying.

I don't really know why you're putting yourself out

so much for us, but... it's pretty cool.

- Well, it's pretty common knowledge

that I'm a very, very good person

who lives to help others.

- Mm.

Oh.

- It's such a piece of shit.

- Hey. I like the artwork.

- Yep. Sure.

- You have to admit, the characters? Us?

We're pretty complex.

- Oh, yeah, real complex.

Yeah, Isaac's big problem is his dick is too big.

- Hey. It can be a problem.

Seriously.

It narrows the field by a lot more than you think.

I've been on way too many first dates

that end in urgent care, so... - Gross.

- Look.

My life is pretty cool, so...

how do I know this other me is gonna...

- Nail as many groupies?

- Whoa, hey, whoa, no.

That is not what Hansel is about, okay?

- You know there's a chance the real you

didn't bang your sister?

- Hey, no, that's...

She was my step sister, okay? Step sister.

And we didn't know till, till later.

- Mm. - Too many stepdads.

All right, well, what about you? What's your kink?

- Me?

No, see, I'm perfect.

Yeah, I catch drug dealers, murderers,

arsonists, blackmailers, pimps.

I even stopped a girl from giving herself

a coat-hanger abortion and got her to Planned Parenthood.

You see, I... I'm a hero.

- So why would you give that up?

You sound awesome.

- I sound fake.

Which I am.

- Oh, like your thunder meat.

- All right, easy.

It's... it's a meat.

I don't know if it's thunder.

- We just never know where his celestial,

newly-risen godliness is going to pop up next.

From the brothel in the Lower Meerskin,

Ember was then sighted on the schooner

of the thin white duke off Basher Island,

- where there was a celebration - for three days and nights.

- Okay.

Well, so far, every sighting he either gets

the party started or he dives right into one

that's already jumping off.

- Ember has always enjoyed his pleasures,

but this pace reeks of self-destruction.

- Please.

One July 4th, I bet I could snort

my bodyweight in coke.

This dude's an amateur.

Next.

- Landfall at Shimmering Cliff Palace,

then an... orgy at Sacred Sky Nunnery.

- Okay. That's almost impressive.

So look, he's headed east.

If he keeps going, what's the next hotspot?

- The Hare on the Ass. - Seriously?

Whimsy.

I fucking hate it.

So you found a whole family of them, huh?

Mm.

What happened to the mother pig?

Kill it.

- What?

- Enyalius won't come without a sacrifice, silly.

Here.

Slit its belly open, please.

Entrails on the altar.

- No, I'm not, I'm not...

Look, I'm a person with a job

and a girlfriend and a life,

and I'm not your, your pal.

Or your playmate.

And I'm not scared of you anymore.

So why don't you just fucking kill me?

- I would never do that.

- Ah!

Hello, Etta.

- Oh, I suppose this is why you summoned me.

- Thank you. - Oh, and the answer is no.

Your new suit is not finished yet. - Oh, pity.

- You are usually not this impatient.

Henry, would you like to see the work in progress?

- Oh, yes.

- Okay.

- Ah.

Beautiful. Of course.

Damn it.

- What in the world?

- Magic ration.

My office had some unexpected visitors today

who took a huge portion of today's magic.

- Ah.

No worries.

Smell.

I'm sorry.

That's my grandmother's huckleberry pie.

- Wait, what?

What is it, Henry?

So why a comic book?

- Graphic novel, Etta.

Had a lot of characters with detailed backstories.

And I could look at them.

So the glamour was much easier to cast.

Doesn't matter now.

I'm about to live a version of it.

Though, I'm assured, one not quite as nice.

- Well, you seem awfully sanguine.

- Fate's a fucker that always wins.

- Okay, I've known you for 22...

Well... 23 years now.

And I've loved you dearly every moment.

Fully aware that you can barely stand yourself.

And that made me sad, but... it also made you

my best customer.

- How so?

- Isn't it obvious?

Come on, the bespoke suits, the hand-sewn shirts...

It's armor.

It's an armor to keep the world away.

A disguise so that nobody can see what a truly

loving heart you have.

- You said if revealed the spell can be reversed.

- Kim.

Don't.

- I'm one of them, aren't I?

You have to undo this on all of us.

- And then what?

- And then we fight.

- I know I can't stop you.

But please, be more careful now

than you've ever been in your life. Well, lives.

Finally getting to be your teacher...

Has been an honor.

- You're now the saddest loser I ever buried.

Look.

- Marina.

- Hi, Dad.

- How's it going?

- Got it.

- Do you feel it?

- Stronger further up.

- My arm wouldn't even fit in there.

- Go, little buddy.

Come on.

Come on, little buddy.

- Hey. Hey, come on now.

Little narration.

- Fuck off.

Come on, little buddy.

- Yes?

I realize that.

But these dossiers are private.

- Holy shit.

Sorry, little buddy.

- What happened?

What?

Did, did anyone ever tell you you're kind of withholding, you know?

Oh, come on. You're not trying to kill yourself again, are you?

No.

Hey, is all of that chimney stuff about you true?

- Never met one I couldn't crack.

- Leg next?

- No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, I'm ready.

Whatever you want, okay?

Ah.

Oh.

- Time to die.

Yes it is.

Give me a little goodbye kiss.

Yes.

- Explains a lot of weird shit, but...

I promised I'd keep everything about him private.

- Okay. Yeah, and I'm trying to save him.

So please.

How was that?

Was it good?

- Yeah. - Can I have one?

- Oh, yes.

Of course.

- Thank you.

- Magic's supposed to stay on till 11:00.

Spells take magic, right?

Which is rationed. - Which sucks.

And a spell like this would take even more power than a normal one, right?

I mean, six, seven, eight people?

Plus whole lives?

- No. If you had any interruption in the flow...

Wait. Magic's off.

- It's him.

It's the spell.

He told me that it would try and kill us.

- Right, but without magic, how... Shit.

Maybe he actually finished it.

- Finished what?

- This thing he worked on for years.

A perpetual battery.

- Come on.

- Pray a little harder, please.

- Is that suckling I smell?

- Enyalius?

- Well, fuck yeah it is.

- You know what's funny? - He sacrificed the pig.

He prayed. - And he's never heard of you.

How dare you?

- I want it back.

Give it to me.

- Well, I have no idea what "it" is

but I grant you permission

to search my ball sack with your tongue.

- Fine.

I'll just take it.

- Okay, so.

Remember, Fogg said be really, really careful.

Because...

- Oh, my God.

Kim?

Kim.

No, no.

No, no, no.

Yeah, I need a medic.

Yeah, I think she's...

- Sorry, prank.

Kim. Are you okay?

- Fine.

- No, see.

You kind of... died.

- Well, maybe being un-killable is my discipline.

- Yeah, that's not a thing.

- Hey.

How much juice do you think this thing has?

- Well, it's perpetual.

- So... it can be overloaded.

- I have no idea.

Oh, shit!

How is this a good idea?

- Oh, God.

- It's not in there!

You're not Enyalius, are you? You're his servant.

A corybant.

Aren't you?

- All right, look, he's, he's not who you want.

So just... You know, let him go.

All right?

- Why did your master send you to trick me?

- He knows.

- It's not even mid-day.

- Real ragers rave in the day.

Horn guy.

Is that him?

- Who is that?

- An imposter.

No wonder he won't see anyone who knows him.

- Hey. Ember.

I'm here.

- Yeah, you are.

Congrats.

- Where are your hooves?

Todd.

- Quentin. You're back.

Oh.

You wanted to play.

Sorry. He's too dead.

- Cool trick. Do it again.

- Okay, what the what now?

- What the fuck are you doing here, Bacchus?

- All right.

Have we banged?

- I followed you on Instagram.

Everybody did till they kicked you off.

- Oh, I know, right? Dicks.

- Well.

That explains all the opium in the air.

Nice touch, I like it.

- It's pretty sweet, right?

- Mm-hmm, all right, all right.

What are you doing here?

Why do you want everyone thinking you're Ember?

- Hey, so, you really want

to go back to Earth, right?

No, I want you to answer my fucking question.

- Thanks for popping in.

- Where is our High King? - Who are you?

- A god is all you need to know.

- I'm glad you're back, Quentin.

I was getting a little tired of the Brian game.

- Yeah, me too.

So maybe I missed something

when we were playing, but... you had to torture him

to death.

Why, again?

- Gods are so tricky.

- Right.

But what about the one that you were after today?

- Oh, we'll get him.

And I'll get back what he took from me.

And then the others.

They all took.

- Took what, exactly?

- See, that's what I don't really know.

They took this part of me that knew things.

It's not fair.

- No, yeah, totally.

They owe you.

Got it.

- You really understand me, Quentin.

It's good to have a friend like you.

- You know, speaking of friends, when you get back

what the gods took from you...

maybe... could I maybe have Eliot back?

- The one who tried to kill me?

- Hey, hey, no. No.

That was a mistake.

- You were there.

You...

like him more than me?

- No, I, I didn't say that.

- You miss him.

You... you miss all your friends.

The... the ones in my castle who tried to kill me.

Good.

- Huh.

Well, upsides and downsides.

- Yeah, no, I remember everything.

Kind of like a dream.

- I was gonna say acid trip myself.

Oh, my God.

Mis hermanos.

Where were you? We looked everywhere.

Stay back. - Why?

Because I'm not here to play.