Original subtitles

[ Upbeat music plays ]

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Hmm.

Mmm.

Mr. Corneille: Take my hand, Nigel!

I have come to show you the journey within.

Uh, Mr. Small, is there anything weird

in this candy you brought back from your vacation?

Fear me not, Nigel!

For I am your spirit anima-a-a-al!

Um, Mr. Small? [ Gasps ]

My hands! They're like spiders made out of meat!

Aah!

[ Auto-tuned howling ]

Mr. Small? Mr. Small!

What is in this candy?!

[ Bleating ]

Ah. It's not candy. It's a candle.

Sorry, kids, but there's no school today.

The staff have all been evacuated to the hospital.

Aah! [ Siren wails ]

Dude, you can at least show concern.

[ Tires screech ] Yeah, you're right.

Come on. Let's go home.

Mr. Dad will be surprised to see us.

[ Laughing ] Yeah.

We might interrupt his third breakfast.

[ Ominous music plays ]

[ Footsteps departing ]

Hey!

Uh, hi, guys. What's up?

School was canceled. What's that on your lips?

Oh, I, uh...I was just eating some, uh...

What's that awful stuff that's like fruit

that people decorate plates with?

You mean a vegetable?

Uh, yes. That's what stained my lips --

a vergertule.

What kind?

A re-- a red one?

Okay, stop lying. We saw her. Who is she?

Uh...what's the name of those people that you pay

to make your skin cry until you're thin?

A personal trainer?

That's it! She was reminding me I have to

go to that place where the bicycles go nowhere.

You mean the gym?

Yes, the gym. And I'm late! 'Kay, bye.

I don't think he's going to the gym.

'Cause the only gym he goes to is Jim the cashier

at the doughnut store? No. I mean, yes.

But also because that gym bag he grabbed was a woman's purse.

[ Imitating Dad ] Oh, I'm going to the gym.

[ Normal voice ] Liar!

He's buying perfume for that woman.

Maybe it's just for him.

Yeah, sure, to hide the scent of his [echoes] shame!

[ Gasps ] Uh...

-Aah! -[ Echoing ] That was close.

He nearly saw u--

Huh?

[ Normal voice ] I guess 4K's how far you have to stand

away from the camera so you don't look like

a photo from a dermatology textbook.

[ Gasps ] Where did he go?

**

[ Groans ]

[ Gun cocks ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

**

Look, it's the lady we saw at home.

Well, hello, girls.

Let's eavesdrop.

Ah, Samantha. Finally.

We've been waiting so long,

Angela's clothes are back in fashion.

[ Canned laughter ]

Better late than ugly, Maria.

A girl needs to make some effort for her man.

Samantha, darling, the last time you were a girl

men still had gills.

[ Canned laughter ]

So, when do we get to meet elusive boyfriend of yours?

Oh, he's not elusive, Angela.

He just doesn't like to answer questions

straightforwardly and and prefers changing

the subject to avoid them.

Samantha, are you nervous because we might

judge your new boyfriend?

No, Violet, she's worried about how

mimes place their orders at the drive-through.

[ Canned laughter ]

Ah, you younger women are so demanding.

So what if Samantha's boyfriend isn't around that much?

As long as a man has a pulse and a smile, who cares?

I'd be so happy to get a man with either

of those things, and at my age, I don't care which.

Do you think he might have a friend for me?

Yes, Violet. The Easter Bunny.

[ Canned laughter ] Samantha: Now, you listen here.

My man does exist!

As a matter of fact, I'm meeting him in the park later.

[ Both gasp ] What the wha-a-a-a!!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Ugh, this is taking forever.

I've not got a lot of time.

Skin and regrets, yes, but time, no.

Do you think maybe he's running a little late?

No, Violet. He arrived on time.

He just set our watches early for a prank.

[ Canned laughter ]

Both: Hmm...

Oh! There he is.

Hello, sugar.

[ Gasping ]

-Hey, honey. -Mm!

How's your day been?

[ Both gasp ]

[ Giggling, smooching ]

Oh, it makes my heart skip a beat to know

that love can still blossom at our age.

Wait. That's two beats.

Three! Somebody do something!

Ooh! Oh, yeah, there it is.

Mm! [ Giggles ]

I can't believe it.

Dad always said Mom was out of his league,

but I never thought he'd want to get back down

into his own league.

[ Whistling in distance ] What's that?

The bombshell that just got dropped on us.

Huh. I always thought that was a metaphor.

[ Explosion ]

**

[ Gasps ]

We know about Samantha.

Oh.

Well, I guess you were bound to find out one day.

How do you feel about it?

Oh, just great!

How do you think Mom would feel about it?!

Well, she's not around in the day.

I've got to find some way of keeping myself entertained.

Entertained?!

[ Plate shatters ]

Is it so bad that I have some fun?

I enjoy the time I spend with my girls.

Girls?! Plural?!

[ Plate shatters ]

What difference does it make if it's more than one?

You maggot. How many?

Three at the moment, but, you know, the more the merrier.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Our dad has a secret double life.

[ Sniffs ] Darwin, smash another plate.

[ Gasps ] Hold on.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ Keyboard clacking ]

[ Ding ]

**

[ Door bell chimes ]

**

Dagnabit, I bought the paper ones.

I don't see what's so wrong with having a secret double life.

-[ Sobbing ] -Look how it's already

affecting us!

Yeah, well, only because it's not secret anymore.

So I was technically correct.

Nothing wrong with having a "secret" double life.

[ Voice breaking ] Dad, this whole thing

is based on lies, and that's not right!

[ Sighs ] I understand.

I've deceived the people I love.

I'm gonna go end it with the other girls.

Then I'll take all of Samantha's stuff

down to the junkyard and burn it in a big bonfire.

Or maybe just tell her by text or something...?

No. I need to make sure I can never go back.

Yep. Burning all her stuff in the dump -- that'll do it.

[ Inhales sharply ]

[ Door closes ]

[ Door opens ]

[ Gasping ]

I'm sure gonna miss this pretty face.

[ As Samantha ] But at least I'm bowing out with grace.

[ As himself ] Aah! Darn heels.

[ Door opens, closes ] Do you realize what this means?

[ Dramatic chord strikes ] Of course!

Samantha was in the bathroom the whole time!

[ Dramatic chord strikes ] Of course!

Mrs. Mom is Samantha!

[ Piano plays dramatic chord ]

Mr. Dad is...Mrs. Mom?

I'm Mr. Dad?

Dad and Samantha are the same person!

So we better stop him before he ruins

his beautiful friendship with those sassy girls.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Mmm, Maria, this cheesecake is so good

I want to marry it and have its cupcakes.

[ Canned laughter ] Oh, that reminds me

of a story from Minnesota.

Does it involve a woman marrying a cake?

Oh no. I'm afraid it was at a time when society

wasn't as tolerant as it is now.

People were only allowed to marry a potato

from a different farm.

[ Canned laughter ] Can we just skip

the nonsense part and get to the end please?

Oh. Sure.

The end.

I have a dramatic announcement to make.

He dumped you for a slimmer woman. No.

He dumped you for a younger woman? No.

He dumped you for a potato from a different farm?

What? No.

It's about my new boyfriend.

He doesn't really exist.

And the rest of the forfeit.

[ Sighs ]

And there is more. I've been deceiving y'all.

But I have decided to break the circle of lies.

My real name isn't "Samantha."

Wait, so your name's not Samantha? That's all?

No. There's more.

[ Gasping ] You're bald?

I'll give you one more clue.

[ Gasping ]

You're ugly?

Okay, one more clue.

[ Clothes unzip ] [ Gasping ]

You're a naturist?!

He's a man, Violet!

Well, I guess the clue was in the name -- Sa-man-tha.

Also, guess what you get if you switch the letters

of her name around?

"'Thas A Man"!

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry.

But why would you lie to us?

I was a bored house husband.

I did try and make some male friends...

Hey, bro! Did you see that boxing game last night

with the guy who did a touchdown in the hoop

with his basketball stick?

[ Whistling ]

[ Dog barks in distance ]

Sorry. Excuse me.

[ Glass clinks ] Coming through.

Hey, bud, can you pass me that nut spinner flex?

Here you go. Wait, what is that?

[ Screams ]

-[ Laughs ] -Whoo!

-Yeah, nice one! -Hey! [ Laughs ]

Not.

But I guess I'm just not that great at being a man.

Then I saw you guys.

You were so free and loving.

You were just being yourselves.

I did what I had to do!

It's not my fault if society doesn't approve

of men being friends with mature women.

Literally no one has a problem with that.

Ah.

Well, in that case, I did what I didn't have to do.

Well, Richard, there's something you should know, too --

Samantha, wait!

It's okay, boys.

The cat's out of the bag.

Yeah, or more like the large pink, naked rabbit

is out of his pants.

But before I go,

I would just like to say one last thing --

Thank you for being a friend.

No please, wait!

You're not the only one who lied.

We all felt the same way.

Yes. Me too.

[ Grunts ] I guess not.

Well, this is awkward.

So, I guess we'll just have to go back to

being sad, lonely old men.

But why don't you just carry on hanging out as guys?

Unless we keep dressing up and just pretend

none of this ever happened!

Together: Mm-hmm!

Or you could just be friends.

Well, if it's a choice between continuing

to dress up as old ladies...

-It isn't. -...or we stop

spending time together -- -It isn't.

That's settled then. We have no option

but to ignore the fact we're all actually men.

-No, you don't. -We all have to make sacrifices.

No, you don--

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

* You've been a pal to me for so long now *

* Season after season, you kept going somehow *

* And I know

* You'll always be on cable

[ Music stops ] [ Laughing ]

Eh. Whatever floats your boat.

* And when you're needing a helping hand *

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