Original subtitles

[ Ominous music plays ]

[ Swing music plays ]

♪♪

[ Buzzing ]

♪♪

Excuse me.

Would anybody like to purchase a hand?

I have a human hand for sale.

Is -- Is anyone interested in -- in a buying a man's hand?

[ Sighs ]

How much for just two fingers?

Oh.

Buy me a whiskey, and we'll call it even.

So, what do you plan to do with all them fingers, anyway?

[ Ominous music plays ]

[ Swing music plays ]

♪♪

[ Clapping ]

♪♪

[ Applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Announcer: And then there was Violet Galuhwaye,

whose insecurity climbed in through her window

on the night of her 19th birthday.

♪♪

From that day forth,

it controlled her every move with its steady man hands.

♪♪

She was so grateful for all the attention,

even the air around her learned how to vomit.

[ Hisses ]

[ Swing music plays ]

And just when the world looks most bleak, love rears its face.

It rears and rears and rears and rears...

[ Twinkle! ]

♪♪

[ Squeaks ]

♪♪

[ Door closes ]

Announcer: Once all alone,

Violet swore if her Insecurity would only return,

she'd never take it for granted again.

It is often said that witnessing the warmth of true love,

even from a distance,

can transform the loneliest heart

into a burning pile of garbage.

♪♪

Thankfully, the local hospital

was well versed in modern medicalia.

Scalpel.

Bone saw.

[ Saw whirring ]

Slam poet.

Oh, say can you scream,

by the con's burly plight?

In God we thrust, in butts we nut.

Uncle Sambo and Agent Orenje Julieass

used mustard gas and ketchup gas

to relish truth, justice,

and the American't waste.

Oh, that was lovely.

Did you write it?

Nurse, tape her up, please.

Announcer: Once her mouth was taped up,

people began to see Violet's beauty.

And after others see your beauty,

you may actually become beautiful.

Possibly even blond.

Violet became so beautiful, she grew beauty marks.

So many that soon you could no longer see her face --

just the beautiful beauty marks.

[ Pop! ]

Now everyone who gazed upon her was captivated

by her comeliness. [ Wolf-whistle ]

But there was only one she wanted.

♪♪

[ Twinkle! ]

[ Dial tone, dialing ]

Woman: Hello? 911?

God, please come quick!

He's choking! He's choking!

This beautiful monster came in,

flaunting her ravishing good looks...

[ Choking ] ...and her exquisite allure

murdered the only man she'll ever love!

He's dead!

Announcer: Beauty got blood on its hands that night,

which revealed one thing.

Man: When I ponder the infinite expanse of the universe,

I realize just how insignificant we humans truly are.

I don't like feeling insignificant, see?!

How do you like it?!

Huh?

Yeah, bitch, get in there! Yeah, get!

[ Sucking ]

[ Grunting ]

Announcer: That we drink to drown the darkness

that's been punishing us ever since that mysterious day

when all the stars packed up and left the sky.

[ Swing music plays ]

♪♪

Like how, after 35 years, even the healthiest couples

must find ways to keep the love fresh and exciting.

Gloria!

Gloria, go get me a beer!

What's takin' you so long in there?!

I don't see no beer in my hand.

Do you see a beer in my hand?

My hand wants that beer, Glor!

It's gettin' antsy.

My hand's itchin' for that beer we discussed, Glor.

Look at it!

The hell?

It's makin' sauce, Glor.

Here's your damn beer.

Don't bring me a beer right now, woman!

My hand's making sauce.

The hell's comin' outta there?

My mom's famous boogigabatch sauce.

You're makin' a mess all over the floor, Harry.

Glor, you know

how good my mom's secret goojedubatchi sauce is?

We're gonna be rich.

Ah, geez. Is another money-grubbin' scheme?

Just taste it.

Oh, my God.

It's the most incredible thing I've ever known.

It can't be comin' from you.

It's better than you.

Do you see it coming out of there?

Yeah. From your hand there.

So I am makin' it, see?

Now go get the money bucket.

You gonna let me touch the money bucket?

Ooh la la! Chu-cha-cha!

You catch it in the bucket, sell it in town,

we're in the gravy, baby.

You married right, I tell ya.

I'm gonna call my mother an' tell her.

She always said you'd never amount to nothing.

Don't call her now!

Handle it first.

This is my chance to patch things up with my ma.

Now that I'm finally proud of ya.

Glor, all this sauce is gettin' wasted, ya ding-dong!

You know what? Mother was right about you.

All ya ever do is sit on yer ass

gushin' sauce out of ya hand.

Glor, the bucket. Please.

Hello? Yeah. Hey, Ma.

I was just callin' to say you were right about the bum.

Come on, Gloria. Get it yourself.

I'm on the phone, Harry.

You know I don't like to get outta my chair.

Money's dumpin' here. C'mon.

You don't have control over me no more, Harry.

I'm a wealthy woman now.

I'm through with you.

Please tell me you're gettin' the bucket.

Or at least a beer? -I'm leavin' you, Harry.

I'm gonna travel the world with my big riches.

And where'd you get them riches?

I happen to be partner in a very lucrative

new sauce organization of some kind.

So long!

[ Rug rips ] Aah!

Gloria! Baby!

Are you okay?

Harry, Harry...

I'm not gonna make it.

Oh, God! I wish I could save you,

but I-I don't like to get outta my chair.

At least I'm gonna die a wealthy woman.

Finally, I can afford to be sorry, Harry.

Sorry I got so selfish after I got rich.

Maybe that's the secret that the secret sauce

was trying to teach us --

that love is a...

[ Choking ]

Noooooooooo!

Noooo!

Announcer: The secret to love was lost forever that day,

but Harry hung on for weeks,

refusing to eat any of the murderous sauce

that took his lady wife.

Tragically, he didn't like to get out of his chair,

so he began to waste, to starve,

to die to death.

♪♪

[ Women vocalizing ]

♪♪

[ Glimmer! ]

♪♪

And as his old friend and sudden savior reared her face,

Harry's gaze glimmered and glormed with the realization

that beauty glistens in the eye of the beholder.

[ Echoing ] Beholder, beholder.

[ Glimmer! ]

[ Sucking ]

Man: [ Thinking ] I'm beholding.

I'm beholding.

I'm beholding.

Announcer: So whoever beholds the hardest

can make the sky insecure once again...

[ Angelic choir vocalizing ]

...make it break out in a disgusting rash of zits

across the greasy face of the endless night.

♪♪

[ Harry groaning ]

♪♪

♪ There's blood in the kitchen

♪ There's blood in the hall

♪ There's blood in the parlor where my lady falls ♪

♪ "Oh, master, oh, master

♪ Don't lay the blame on me

♪ 'Twas the false nurse and Lankin ♪

♪ That killed your lady"

♪ Long Lankin was hanged

♪ On a gibbet so high

♪ And the false nurse was burned in a fire close by ♪

♪ La-da-da, dum

♪ Mmmm

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