Original subtitles

Announcer:

Announcer: Of

Announcer: Of course,

Announcer: Of course, dreams

Announcer: Of course, dreams can

Announcer: Of course, dreams can come

Announcer: Of course, dreams can come true.

[ Ominous music plays ]

♪♪

[ Thunder crashing ]

♪♪

And there's nothing more desperately chipper

than the escapist daydreams of a man in bondage

fantasizing he is another person in another place.

[ Harp plays ]

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

It is imperative he divert his mind

from the unthinkable suffering...

agony... [ Ding! ]

...anguish. [ Ding! ]

♪ La, la, la, la-la ♪

But the bibles teach that dreams are lies and lies are sins...

[ Ding! ]

...that, thus, all imagined boys

must collect penance for their existence.

[ Thinking ] Please don't make me do this to me.

[ Ding! ]

Announcer: And that for those

who have been dreamed into being,

the only escape is to premember a happy moment

that will happen many lifetimes from now.

[ Harp plays ]

[ Up-tempo music plays, whip cracking ]

Sorry for the wait, Mr. Lawson.

We got your results, and I'd better be quick

because you only have about 34 seconds to live.

So I was -- Excuse me?

Did you say -- 34 seconds.

Starting...now!

Are you saying I'm gonna die?

Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, what you have is much worse than death.

It's sorta like...

death squared.

It's called "Consta-Death."

Consta-Death?

Oh, you've heard of it. Not really.

Oh. Well, with Consta-Death, you'll be dying once

every few seconds for the rest of your life.

So I will be alive? Not exactly.

The only treatment is to pledge eternal devotion

to my proprietary genetic hybrid of Hinduism and cheese.

It's medicinal reincarnation therapy.

I'm lactose intolerant.

It doesn't matter. Just pledge eternal devotion to it -- quick!

Okay, okay! How? Sign here. Hurry!

Chim, chim! Chop-chop! Now!

[ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays ]

[ Ding! ]

Uh...wow.

Uh, uh...

[ Buzzer, harp plays ]

[ Ding! ] Well, your new faith

How do you feel? It feels a little weird, but --

[ Buzzer, harp plays ]

[ Ding! ]

It beats being white.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sproing! ]

[ Applause ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Ting! ]

Hey, hon.

Hey. How was your day? The van needs oil.

Oh, and the doc says I have this thing called Consta-Death.

[ Laughter, buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

Uh-huh. What are you thinking for dinner?

You know what sounds good, is just a plate of birdseed.

[ Laughter, buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

Actually, scratch that.

I think I'll just have some eucalyptus leaves.

[ Laughter, buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

Or you know what?

I'm really craving a deer carcass tonight.

[ Laughter, buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

Whoa, bear! Hold your horses now.

[ Laughter, buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

Hey, leave me out of this.

You know what I'm talking about?

[ Tink! ]

Bears don't eat deers, liar!

What's going on here?

I want to speak to my real husband -- now!

Where is he?! [ Sobs ]

[ Voice breaking ] I don't think I can bring him back.

[ Crying ] [ Audience groans ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Ding! ]

[ Audience "awws" ]

But I'll try.

Hnnnnnnnnn! [ Buzzer ]

[ Ding! Ding! Ding! ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

Honey! Oh, I missed you.

How have you been?

I'm good, I'm good. How have...

[ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

Hnnnnnn! [ Buzzer ]

[ Ding! Ding! Ding! ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

[ Choir vocalizing ] ...you been lately?

Oh, I'm pretty good. And you?

[ Sighs ] You know me -- same ol'...

[ Buzzer ] Hnnn!

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

[ Buzzer, ding! ding! ding! ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

...same ol'.

Oh, and how about yourself?

[ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ] Hnnn!

Though only together 3 seconds per year,

the Lawsons were like any other couple.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

Listen, we need to have a difficult...

[ Buzzer ] Hnnn!

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

...talk.

I think that we should start seeing other...

[ Buzzer ] Hnnn!

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

...people.

Y-You're breaking up with me?

[ Buzzer ] Hnnn!

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

Yes. I met someone.

How? Who is it?

Would you like to meet her?

I'll get her right now.

Hnnn! [ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]

You stay away from my man!

Wait. It's not what you think.

I was just using your husband to get to you.

I need you to sign this -- quick!

What?

-What is this? -No time to think.

Sign now or die!

[ Buzzer ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

Oh, Mary, my dearest.

There you are.

Why do you toy with me like this?

Announcer: Maintaining long-term relationships

can be difficult work.

One way to keep the romance alive in marriage

is to unite against a common enemy.

Sam and Iris Beekoh found that a shared disappointment

in their son, Benny, brought them closer together.

So they vowed to stay ashamed of the kid

for the sake of the marriage.

They struggled valiantly to degrade

and remain let down by him.

Their love fed on his misery.

And for every atom of agony they caused the boy,

they were rewarded with 10 pounds of passion.

The very face of his home seemed to stare

with a chilling indifference to Benny.

Or was it hitting on him? [ Tink! ]

For their fifth anniversary,

Sam gave his wife a special gift.

[ Gasps ] Oh, Sam!

You shouldn't have.

In that moment, Benny realized his pain

had something important to say.

Something vital to our nation.

Mama?

Our sores are sources of wisdom.

Mama!

Which won't be silenced by any man.

Mama! Mama!

Benny told the wound he was not technically its mother.

But maternal instincts kick hard,

and he found himself breastfeeding the little fellow.

Pain's palate matures quickly.

Baba wan chili.

Gimmee chili.

Chili!

It is often the neglected children

who are most willing to go the extra mile for their own young.

[ Burps ] Aah.

[ Panting ] Aah!

Waaaah! [ Siren wailing ]

Chili too hot! Wow!

Baba need wawa!

[ Gulping ]

[ Pounding on door ] Officer:

You have 30 seconds, or we'll do this!

[ Gun cocks ]

[ Machine-gun fire ]

♪♪

Mmm. [ Snorts, grunts ]

Mmm. Yummy cop in my tum-tum.

Mmm!

Announcer: Some claim that cop meat is brain food.

Ahh!

[ British accent ] Blimey, that quite hit the spot, Eric.

But my name is Benny.

You can't fool me, Eric.

You see, I am no ordinary wound.

For I am British.

I think I'm going crazy.

Nonsense. I would contend that you are...

going sane.

Rawr!

[ Glass shatters, guitar plays ]

And now that you have raised me proper,

I hereby agree to be your Spirit Guide.

But I don't want a spirit guide.

Excellent! That is the first step in your soul journey.

Step 2 -- magic trick.

Now, choose a number between 1 and 13,

but not 2 or 4.

Now double it, add 16,

multiply by 3, and subtract half.

Now, what was your original number?

I never chose a number.

And this is just as I have foreseen.

So. Do you feel maturated now?

I guess.

Announcer: When their healing work is done,

our wounds begin to heal themselves.

[ Straining ]

[ Weakly ] You've got to help me!

I'm dying!

No, it's just you're healing.

What do you think happens to me when I'm all healed?

I'm dead, gone!

You've got to cut me.

[ Thinking ] Please don't make me do this to me.

You want me to die?

Are you a murderer?

Cut me, murderer!

Okay, okay.

Aah!

What the bloody hell are you doing?!

You told me to cut you.

I did no such thing! [ Crying ]

This means you're the one dying.

You better sign the contract quick.

[ Clock ticking ]

Free me.

Announcer: At that moment, Benny became a man in his pants.

He knew what to do.

[ Screeches ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Tink! ]

[ Harp plays, ding! ]

He passed the test

and found the love his home had long withheld.

Free me.

Push. Push.

Push! Push!

Push! Push! Push!!

"You are the father I never had"...

Benny thought to himself about himself.

♪♪

And that is how one boy

discovered where wounds go when they heal.

♪ "Oh, Father, oh, Father ♪

♪ Don't lay the blame on me ♪

♪ 'Twas the false nurse and Lankin ♪

♪ That killed your lady" ♪

♪ So Lankin was hung ♪

♪ On the gibbet so high ♪

♪ And the false nurse was burned in a fire close by ♪

♪♪

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