Original subtitles

[ Traffic noises ]

♪♪

Announcer: But the other thing about this jail was...

it could only afford one wall of bars.

Guard!

Whenever a prisoner wanted to escape,

the guards had to lug it over to him so he could try.

Ugh. Ugh.

Auuuugghhh!

All right, pal. You done here?

Yeah, I'm good. Thanks, guys.

Yeah, yeah. [ Snaps fingers ]

Damn it, we supposed to be on break.

I mean, where's our rest?

It's as though, despite the fact that we are the jailers,

in a sense, we are in our own prison...

of the mind.

Oh, man. What a thought!

Announcer: That's when Prisoner 72301

figured out how to escape.

Guard, bars!

Do it now, or I say something so profound,

it'll blow every mind in this joint.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, easy. Let's not get heavy here.

I-I'm -- I'm bringing it.

You -- Your head here.

J-J-Just don't say anything

to upend my world view, all right?

I got kids. I got kids.

You know what I always wondered --

like, what's the deal with society, bruh?

Oh, man, that's a trip.

You're free! No bars can hold you now, boys.

Yah, boys! Yah! Yah! Whoo-hoo!

Where did he go? W-Where'd he go?

Aah!

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Announcer: Then again, some people are born victims --

all of them.

♪♪

And some days, your whole life flashes before your eyes,

in real time, starting with Day One.

One last push, ma'am. It's a boy!

Oh! Oh, God.

What? Oh, no!

What is it?!

I'm sorry, ma'am -- he's a dirty pig.

[ Cries ]

Announcer: But some accidents are even worse...

when the victim doesn't deserve it.

Sir? Mr. Lem, can you hear me?

Oh. Where am I?

Who am I?

Your name is Neil Lem.

You've been in an accident. You were driving,

and a woman was on the sidewalk without a bra.

You took your eyes off the road to ogle her breasts.

Oh. You hopped the curb

Oh! And its owner.

Oh, God. And his kids.

Ohh! And their friends.

Oh. And their pet hamster.

But, miraculously, we were able to save...

only the hamster.

I...was ogling?

The good thing is you managed to swerve back onto the road.

Thank God. Straight into

Ohh! None of those

The parents are devastated.

Understandably, many have bought guns...

Ohh! ...and are going on

I-I don't know who I am, but I'm -- I'm --

I'm sure I did not mean to ogle a girl.

Woman. Woman. She wants to meet you.

Meet me? Why? It's the least

I mean, it seems like you like her so much.

We thought, maybe you two

meet under these tragic circumstances,

it bonds you into an unlikely romance

wherein you help each other heal.

Could be an amazing love story.

Oh. Um...I...Okay.

Do -- Do I -- Do I look all right?

Sure. Lila!

Come on in, honey.

Wait. W-When did the accident happen?

It was about three hours ago.

Why? She's just...

older than I -- I'm sorry.

Is she not your type? No!

I didn't -- I didn't mean...

She's really vulnerable right now.

She's gone. I hope you're happy.

[ Hyperventilating ]

Sir? Mr. Lem?

Can you hear me?

What...happened?

You said some offensive things to a woman,

and the media got wind of everything you've done.

Mm-hmm. There's been riots across the state.

The whole country's in chaos. Oh.

But before it got out of control,

the police were deployed to maintain the peace...

Thank Christ for -- ...which means thousands

of innocent citizens have been shot quite dead.

That's awful. The human animal will take only so much

before they rise up to tear down governments that oppress.

-Ohh. -Sensing weakness,

the North Koreans launched the first nuke.

-Ohh! -But after we retaliated,

Iran, Russia, China, Japan, India,

Brazil unleashed all they had.

Most of Earth's population is dead.

Of the survivors, 90% are mutant-ed.

The only thing the globe agrees on

is that this is all your fault, and you must pay.

[ Hyperventilating ]

Mr. Lem? Can you hear me?

Where am I? What happened?

The mutants consider you their God...

...presuming this was all your grand plan

to remake civilization with their kind as our overlords.

Ohh. Ohh.

But we normals beseech you -- stand with us.

Ohh. Ohh. Declare allegiance

Aah. Will you wave

I-I swear I'll never ogle anyone again.

Forget about that!

You're the only fertile male left --

we need your help to repopulate. What?

Come. Give me some semen.

Oh. Ohh. Hurry. Come on.

Hit me, stat! Uh, okay.

Do you have, like, a-a dirty magazine?

Haven't you ogled enough?!

We've got medical extraction procedures.

Ohh!

Ohh. Hello?

Mr. Lem, you're up.

Great. All's back to normal. You're free to go.

But the ogling?

Turns out that was a hoax.

You're totally fine. Exit's through there.

Ohh. Uh.

This is the worst hoax I've ever been a part of!

And I was in the camps.

Oh!

Guard!

Announcer: The only way to escape the prison of reality

is to turn your life into a lie so you are not you.

You're a different person making all this up

in his journal of fantastical fiction,

a lonely loser as pathetic as a poet.

No, put that down! Please, n-not poetry!

Aaah!

Where'd he go? Where'd he go?

Announcer: Life flashes forced Officer Dale

to recall his first disappointment...

how, since the age of 6,

he yearned for a puppy but his parents were allergic...

to making him happy.

So, instead, they had his grandma move in,

and Dale taught her some tricks.

He trained Nana to sit up and beg for her meds.

She could shake... Here, Nana, Nana!

...catch a Frisbee in her teeth.

When she messed the rug, he rubbed her nose in it

until the foul of her unpleasantness was gone.

But when Dale took Nana to the vet to get fixed,

they discovered she had mange,

and he had to put her out of his misery and into his ecstasy.

[ Gunshot ]

Weeks later, when his chum got a 3-legged dog,

Dale was jealous because he could only afford a pet leg.

It spent all day humping itself, happy as a lark's arm,

and even gave birth to a litter of toe-lets...

until the day it got hit by a wheel.

Doctors had to amputate his whole body

and replace him with a wooden one.

Other dogs mistook Sock for a stick,

so he contracted rabies and went on a rampage.

Witnessing such carnage gave Dale a deep desire

to create his own fate.

But tragically, the urge to conjure a better new world

can turn even a decent human being into a poet.

Dale: The sun-dappled lark crouched on a branch,

admiring the brilliance of the poet...

[ Tweets ] No. That's ridiculous.

The chipmunk crouched on a branch in awe of the poet.

No, no, no.

Hm. Hm.

[ Gasps ]

I know! There he is!

Sir, we need you to come with us immediately.

Excuse me? I-I don't... No, we need your poetry.

It's the only thing that can save the world.

Your poetry really matters.

It does? Totally.

The world needs your poetry right away!

For real? Yes, and the amazing thing --

we're not making fun of you at all.

The government personally requested that you,

the best poet on earth, come read his super not boring,

not lame, not solipsistic, indulgent,

narcissistic, vapid, deluded twaddle.

Come on! Let's move!

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

I know! It's incredible. You're such a good poet.

I always secretly hoped this would happen.

Oh, it's happening. Let's go!

This is so inspiring.

Hang on. I've got to write about this.

But we need you! Hold on.

Words are coming -- slowly, but, oh, they're coming.

Sir, we don't have time!

You know, you're kind of in my space right now,

lagging my flow?

Not sure if you've heard,

but I've recently been acknowledged by the military

as a pretty important poet,

so I can probably get you fired.

No. Please don't, sir. I need this job.

I have 52 children. Well, now you know

there are some things more important than sex

with a whole bunch of stupid, beautiful women.

You really taught me something today.

How did you get so wise?

I've had a lot of lonely time

to think up a lot of very wise, um, thoughts...

Oh, that's so cool. ...thoughts...thoughts...

Anyway, we better go.

World needs you and all. Yeah, right.

My poem isn't finished. But, sir, the world!

I need you to respect my beautiful process.

Aaaaah!

Announcer: And that was the day that man never remembered

to stop ogling the Earth.

[ Thwap! ]

♪ There's blood in the kitchen ♪

♪ There's blood in the hall ♪

♪ There's blood in the parlor where my lady did fall ♪

♪♪

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