Original subtitles

♪♪

Announcer: Nevertheless, if you mashed together every soul on Earth,

it would weigh less than one flea.

Ryan Regrt scratched so religiously

that the sore on his arm

grew into the shape of a small church.

The more fanatic he scratched, the deeper the itch became,

until Ryan was more church than child,

wholly swallowed by the swell, gone.

His grieving parents were grateful

for the tragic loss of their beloved boy,

as it gave them the perfect place

to mourn the tragic loss of their beloved boy.

Luckily, the church pastor

taught them how to repent for this perverse pleasure.

Pastor: That's good. A little to the left.

Right there. Ah, don't stop. Yes. Ahh, ahh. Yes! Oh!

Ohhhhh!

♪♪

Announcer: But as man evolves,

war itself must become increasingly sophisticated.

You puny maggots need me to break you into men...

'cause you're maggots! What are you?

I'm a maggot, sir! I can't hear you!

I'm a maggot, sir!!

I don't understand!

Sir! I am -- I'm saying I -- I'm saying a maggot!

But I'm confused -- how are you a maggot of some kind?!

Just 'cause you told me I was, so I'm a maggot, sir!

But how is that physiologically possible?!

Huh, maggot?! It just is!

I can't explain the biology of it,

but I am a maggot, I swear!

Are you playin' mental games with me, maggot?

No, sir! Am I playing

mental games with you, maggot?

I really don't know. I-I really don't know, sir!

[ Sobbing ] Do I look like I'm playing mental games?

Look me in the eye. What do you see in there?

[ Sniffles ]

God, I hope he can't really see inside me --

how fragile I am...

how I can only feel big by belittling others...

how I'd crumble were I not held whole by his fear of me.

Can he tell that I'm the real maggot?

Hey, now, I'm not gonna let you

beat yourself up like that.

Wait. How did -- I can hear your voi--

Shh! It's okay. I genuinely respect you,

not because of your performance of masculinity,

but in spite of it. But...I'm toxic trash.

You know what I see behind all your emotional armor?

A real cool cookie. For real?

Triple sugar shine real, real.

I've waited my whole life to hear someone tell me that.

Now that it happened, why do I still feel so alone inside?

You're not alone. I'm in there with you.

You're my tough little guy, okay?

Who's my tough little guy? I am.

I can't hear you.

I-I'm your tough little guy!

Louder!

I'm your tough little guy!

God, I feel so appreciated for the first time.

How can I ever thank you, guy?

How 'bout, uh, maybe --

I don't know -- a -- a little kiss?

Oh. That's not what I...

That -- That would make me uncomfortable.

After all I've done for you?

One quick little kiss inside of our minds.

No one has to know. Um, okay.

Um, well, o-okay, just -- just one.

[ Smooches ]

That wasn't so bad, was it?

I guess not. Gimme a little more.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

This is all happening so fast.

[ Growling ] What was that?

Be still, my cookie. This'll be over quick.

[ Crunching ]

Where'd I go? Where am I?

You're in the realm of love eternal.

Isn't it beautiful?

I-I don't know.

Just kidding. You're in my tummy.

It's beautiful.

Oh, boy. I gotta go to the bathroom.

[ Groans ] [ Plopping ]

I feel like you're taking advantage of me, Private.

Aw, that's all in your head.

Which reminds me -- I-I forgot to wipe. Hang on.

Well, we better get back to it

before the guys notice anything.

And don't you dare squeal about what I done did to you.

Well, do I look like I'm playing mental games, maggot?!

No, sir! You're not, I swear!

Then answer this question, maggot --

why do you treat me like dirt when all I ever wanted

was to bask in the light of your love?!

[ Sobbing ]

Great! You're ready! What?

This was all a part

of a covert elite psychic training program.

You are now the perfect soldier.

Really? Thanks. W-What an honor.

Yep. Go on now. The big war is right through there.

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Well, that takes care of that dildo.

Announcer: Private Ray Pontle simply did what was required

to get out of his dangerous combat obligations.

Now he was free to pursue his true calling --

a life of secretly watching women purchase underwear.

-Aah! -He knew Sarge would be fine.

Sergeant Pat Mounder, on behalf of the U.S. Armed Forces,

it's my duty to inform you

that we're gonna have to let you go.

[ Robotic voice ] You are firing me?

It's not your fault.

It's just you're not a good fit for our organization.

You're more like a piece of meat that just keeps on living.

But your war made me like this.

Now, w-we could get into all that

"he said, meat said" stuff,

but you'd be better off trying for a job

as a raisin or a maggot.

I'll kill you.

I'll kill everyone!

Congratulations!

You passed your cyborg warrior training.

You're ready!

What an honor.

[ Music playing ]

Announcer: Tessa Doinel had wasted enough of her life

doing whatever men wanted her to do.

She decided to take a stand and buy the blue ones this time.

Find what you're looking for?

Did you see these underwear? T-They...

Yes, all the panties on this rack are self-bleeding.

But why?

They bleed so you don't have to.

Ooh, these would look sexy on you.

No, I-I don't like it.

Not your color? No, it's the blood.

Oh. Well, there are other fluids.

These ones here are self-snotting.

[ Coughs ]

Ooh, that's hot on you.

You looking to spice up your marriage?

Well, I'd like to have kids, so...

You should've said so.

These ones are crotchless for easy...you know.

Go on, push. Huh?

Push. Unh.

Don't be shy. [ Grunts ]

[ Moans ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Moaning ]

Here it comes.

Harder. Harder!

[ Grunting ] [ Moaning ]

[ Water splashes, baby cries ]

Ooh, that's sexy.

You broke it, you bought it.

I don't know how to take care of it. Gotcha covered.

Just feed the goddamn thing

till it moves out or goes to jail.

Truth is, I-I don't actually have a husband.

Not a problem.

We carry a wide selection of wifebeaters.

I knew I'd find love if o-- Oh, oh, oh!

He dumped me!

I'll never bask in the light of love...

love...love... love...love...

Announcer: Private Pontle had found his soul mate.

He just had to speak to her

and begin his new life of perfect joy.

Wait! Miss!

[ Horn honking ]

Woman's voice: Attention.

You have activated our

automated insecurity system.

I didn't take anything. Go on -- check.

There's nothing missing.

Oh. I see.

You're saying that there's something missing in me,

is that it?

Like there's a hole in my soul or something?

How dare this thing attack me! Trying to make me feel guilty?

Judge me? I'm a good guy. So maybe I'm not perfect.

But I'm expected to what -- search inside of myself

and confront the bad things I've done?

Okay, fine! I made him suffer in a really bad war!

I'm a monster!

How can I pay for what I've done?!

You can be forgiven for how you treated Sergeant Pat Mounder

if you seek absolution from above.

And Sarge is probably fine, right?

Right? Right? Right? Right?

Announcer: Sergeant Mounder was thrown into war after war

until every shred of his flesh was blown up.

They managed to keep his essence alive,

though he was stripped down to pure consciousness energy --

the perfect killing machine.

Contrite, Private Pontle prostrated

before his higher power,

begging for holiness to bright his life.

♪♪

It is often said

you should never give a man's pure consciousness

a clear shot to exact vengeance.

But the yucks was on the sergeant again

because, when you're tormented by the itch of guilt,

there is only one path to relief.

Private: Oh, that's good. Yes, yes. Right there. To the left.

Ah, yes. Right there, yes. That's good.

I'm free!

[ Gasps ]

I'm basking in love.

I'm basking in love! Oh, I'm basking in love!

Announcer: And if you spend your life

praying for the light of love...

-I'm basking in love! -...you magnify it in your head

until it can caress the stuff between your atoms...

-Aaaah! -...that gunk in there

that makes them all stick together as one whole.

Tessa: Aaaah!

♪ There's blood in the kitchen ♪

♪ There's blood in the hall ♪

♪ There's blood in the parlor where my lady did fall ♪

♪ Long Lankin was hanged on a gibbet so high ♪

♪ And the false nurse was burned in a fire close by ♪

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