Original subtitles

♪♪

Announcer: Our best minds have determined

that the whole universe is the dream of one ant.

[ Gasps ]

Huh?

[ Panicked breathing ]

Aah!

A-Are you okay?

I was just sleeping,

and I heard troubled breath.

Nothing. Nothing. I-I'm fine.

I just... had a nightmare.

What are you accusing me of?

I-I didn't shove anything all up in your ear.

[ Drip! ]

I never seen that thing before in my life.

I don't even know what it is.

Besides, my thing would need

one twice that size.

What did you do to me?!

[ Sobs ] [ Snoring ]

Stop this! What d-- What did you do?

Huh? Get up!

W-W-What's happening?

W-Why are you hitting me?

What have you done to me while I was sleeping?

[ Panicked cries ]

What did you do to me?

I -- I didn't do anything.

I don't think I did.

Did I do something to you?

Oh, God! What did I do?!

What did you do to me? You monster!

I'm sorry. I'm so confused.

It's okay. I forgive you.

These things happen.

Why are you so good to me?

Because you have such tight, pretty ears.

Not really. You really wanna know?

I've never shown anyone this.

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

It's huge.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

[ Squealing ]

[ Clicking ]

♪♪

Announcer: Then again, toddler prodigy Trudy Glimmer

was the greatest peekaboo player the world had ever known.

Trudy?

W-Where's Trudy? I just saw her.

She was just here. Where'd she go?

Where'd she go?!

Oh, God. She was just here!

Oh, my God! Trudy!

Where'd you go?!

Oh, my God.

Oh, Trudy! My baby!

Where's my baby?!

911! Someone stole my baby!

Oh, God! [ Sobs ]

Someone stole my baby!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh God.

Oh, God. What's going on?

Where's Trudy? What happened?!

Where is she?! Aah!

[ Shattering ]

[ Sirens wail ]

You get that bastard that took her!

If he hurt a hair on her head, I swear,

I'm gonna rip God's face off

and -- and ram it down his tip.

I promise I will find your daughter,

even if I have to kill her to do it.

Announcer: Police rounded up every pervert in the area,

torturing them for information,

which, naturally, the perverts loved.

They undulated orgasmically for more.

The cops were all too happy to oblige.

Nipple twisting, purple nurples, blue nurples,

every nurple in the rainbow

turned up a steaming pile of zilch.

The trauma of losing their child tore the parents apart.

Last year, I let your brothers sandwich my business.

Ah, yeah, so did I, Chachi. So did I.

Before long, a father finds a suitable outlet

to properly deal with his grief.

If I don't see my child again soon, I'm gonna do this.

Announcer: Some children are just naturally talented.

We'll never know why.

Peekaboo!

Trudy! Oh, sweetie, where were you?

Oh, my God, Trudy.

Don't ever disappear again.

Trudy?!

Trudy! Trudy!!

[ Screams ]

Peekaboo.

Mama? Papa?

[ Chicken clucking ]

Announcer: We have long known that chickens can live for years

with their heads cut off.

Recently, embedded Mideast war reporters

have been dosing with huge infusions of chicken blood

to frustrate their terrorist beheaders.

This is what western infidels get!

Is that all you got, cha-cha?

[ Laughs, yawns ]

Shut up and die, you infidel pig dog.

Uh, correction -- chicken dog.

Bawk-bawk. [ Smooches ]

You are making me angry.

And you have schmutz on your dress.

Bonk! Gotcha! Bawk-bawk, playa!

Announcer: Innocent bystanders were so amused,

they took the act on the road.

[ Laughter ] Why will you

Uh, why don't you brush your teeth already?

I'm warning you --

keep it up and I'll stop this holy war right now.

Bawk-bawk, homey. A-bawk-bawk.

[ Slide whistle plays ]

Mmm, check the hottie in the front row.

Hey, uh, missy, you care for a three-way?

Or at least a 2 1/4-way?

[ Laughs ]

Hey, I'm not severed where it counts.

Please die, for the love of Allah.

Tell you what, I'll die if you answer one question.

You have a deal. Fire away.

Why does your faith glorify hate?

[ Audience gasping ]

You really want to know?

For me, it's -- s-see, I never had a mother.

[ Sniffles ] [ Audience boos ]

Wait, wait, if you never had a mom,

then how do you exist at all?

Jumpin' Jihad, you're right.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Announcer: At that precise moment,

only one man was having a worse day at work.

Man: We are so freaking disappointed

in your output, Dwyer.

Everyone else in this department types

at least 10,000 random numbers a day.

Your average is 19.

Sorry, sir. It's just --

I -- It's just -- What's so hard

Just type random numbers as fast as you can.

See? Ding, ding, ding, ding. That's it. Easy peasy.

Now you try. Go!

Uh. Um...

Let's see, uh... Ooh...

Uh...

Um... Just hit numbers!

Faster. Faster!

But I can never decide which number to choose.

Don't think about it. Just type. It's random.

I know, but I still want it to be good.

Well, it isn't good.

And what's this?

There's some type of Goddamn hole

in the back of your head here.

Whoa.

Weird little critter living in there.

Hey, little guy. What the hell, Dwyer?

I wish you could see this. What is it?

What is it?! Come on, Dwyer,

how the hell am I supposed to know?

Get your act together.

Let me feed this little thing for you.

Damn thing was hungry.

Maybe that's why you're doing a sucky job.

Did it eat?!

What is it?

Dagit!

The damn thing's allergic to peanuts or something.

You're on thin ice with this nonsense, Dwyer.

I'm sorry. Here, l-let me help you wipe that up.

Just get back to work. And get that thing checked out.

[ Faint growling ]

[ Hisses ] What are you doing?

Just keep working, Dwyer. I'm having a look.

W-What the he-- What the hell is this thing?

[ Squeaks ]

Ah! What the heck-fire? Just keep working.

Feisty little bastard.

Oh, wait. That's what's going on.

Feisty little bitch, I should say --

protecting her eggs.

Eggs?

I'm a little scared.

It's okay.

She got the little things hatching right now.

What does it look like? Christ, Dwyer!

Those things are loud. Buddy, these are disruptive.

[ Chirping and squeaking ] This is not

for a workspace environment.

I'm sorry. I could strap a pillow to my head.

Muffle it. I can't hear you,

It's too loud!

Or could you fill it with water

and drown them? Or piss?

Sorry, Dwyer! Look, we gotta let you go.

You can fire me, but one day I'll show you.

I'll show you all. [ Gunfire ]

Christ, Dwyer! It's too loud.

[ Whimpering ]

Announcer: When he realized that no one believed in him,

Doug rushed home to see if he was there.

Dwyer: And the noble prize for the Most Random Series

of Numbers of All Time goes to...

Dougie Dwyer!

[ Smooches ]

Announcer: When he reflected on his strengths,

Doug finally began to love himself.

And when a man finds self-esteem,

he can coax himself to go all the way.

♪♪

It got so steamy, even his vanity became aroused.

And Doug got to experience every man's fantasy --

a two-way with himself.

Dwyer: You're killing me. Killing me.

Kill me. Kill me harder. Kill me harder. Kill me deeper.

Kill me harder. Kill me harder, kill me deeper, kill me harder.

Announcer: But alas, someone always gets hurt in love.

And when one raw-dogs it with a mirror,

the fruit of your vain comes home to roost...

Push! Push!

[ Baby cries ]

Announcer: ...and our lives are filled with meaning forever,

as long as the screams don't get so loud

that they wake the ants that are dreaming us.

[ Babies crying ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Panting ]

♪ Oh, master, oh, master ♪

♪ Don't lay blame on me ♪

♪ 'Twas the false nurse ♪

♪ And Lankin that killed your lady ♪

♪ Long Lankin was hanged on a gibbet so high ♪

♪ And the false nurse was burned in a fire close by ♪

♪♪

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