All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show s03e11 Wartime.eng

For the past few years, Ricky
Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly for a
series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

Testing.
Is that all right?

Hello, and welcome to The Ricky
Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant...
Hello.

And a little round-headed buffoon.
That is... Karl Pilkington.

Right.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Well, Karl, you are officially
a published author.

And, and a copy will go
in the British Library.

Will it?
Yeah.

Well they have to
take every rubbish...

I think it will go in the British
Library lavatory.

- Yeah.
- From what I understand...

It will
be in there.

Uh, with like a collection
of like novelty postcards,

- and maybe a Viz compendium.
- Yeah, exactly.

You know...

Yeah, so they have to... They take everything.
Just think of that.

But why do they do this?

Why do they think they've
gotta keep everything?

Cause it's... We're living in a world now
where everything is sort of binable.

And, you know, we use
stuff for what it is.

"Binable?"
Well, that...

No, I think you could say that.
That's fine. That's fine.

Um...

There was a sort of poetry to it, but
I think he stumbled across that.

I don't think it
was intentional.

Yeah, I mean I'm... I still haven't
got over him saying, "foodage."

Do you know what
I mean, though?

The, the world's changed. So why is
that rule still hanging around when...

Well, it's not a rule. I mean,
it's not a rule that...

You know, the country's gonna,
you know, live and die by.

It's just that,
it is seen as a...

A repository for knowledge,
for information.

And I don't believe any old joker can
wander in there and get one of these books.

I think you have
to either be a scholar.

- I think maybe it's open for brief
window for students. - Yeah.

But, you know, you can't, you couldn't just
wander in there and see your own book, Karl.

You know...
There's some books that...

Uh, they have to turn the page
for you in gloves so your...

The amino acids...
I'd hate that.

With yours it won't
matter. They'll just go,

"It's over there," or
they'll throw it to you.

Or they'll slide, they'll slide
it along the floor. No, it's...

Or they say "Oh, I can't give it to you,
Karl, cause it's propping up this desk."

Yeah.

They'll kick it to you and say, "Put it
in the bog when you're finished with it."

Yeah.

It's just that thing
of being timed, though.

I hate it when people go,
"Oh, have you read this?"

And then I can't read it
properly, cause I'm thinking,

"They're thinking I'm taking
ages there."

Do you know what I mean?
So I have to scan read it.

And they go, "Oh, it's good that."
And they go, "What do you think?"

And I go, "Oh,
about what?"

So I'd hate to find out someone
stood there with gloves on.

Cause that isn't normal,
relaxing sort of reading is it?

But it's not, it's not... You don't
go in to read the "Doomsday Book."

Let's say, in order to
just have a relaxing read.

You're going in there to study
it, you know, historically.

To say they're professors and scholars
and scientists and historians.

They don't wander in because it's raining
and they go, "What's a good read?"

There's not a man
wearing white gloves

turning the pages
of the latest Jackie Collins.

Exactly.
Do you have Heat? I...

Watching your lips move as you read,
to see if he should turn the next page.

I suppose I shouldn't really feel guilty
cause at the end of the day, right...

I mean, people always rave
about Shakespeare saying,

"Oh, you know, his work
was good." Brilliant.

But at
the same time...

They probably put that on the
book when he brings another out.

They put your review on it. "Oh,
that was good." Karl Pilkington.

But at the same time, you know,
like some people will have a go.

I'm ready for, for people having a go.
Like that Wendy did.

- About my little films I made.
- It's her opinion.

For those of you who
didn't hear, she slammed Karl.

No, well, you know, each to
their own and that and, uh...

You know, if everyone liked the same
thing, I don't know what we'd do, right?

- Sure.
- Uh...

You didn't do anything.

So, so all I'm saying is...
Everybody raves about Shakespeare.

Mmm.
When...

If you properly looked at what he did, he,
he invented a lot of swearing words, right?

Effing and Jeffing
and that. Now if...

That was one of his?

Well, there's Effing and
Jeffing, and Effing and Jeffing, Part II.

But all I'm saying is, for some reason when
things were were brought out years ago.

Um, people say they're good even
though they're not, is what I mean.

When I was watching that documentary
about the, the real Indiana Jones, um...

Brilliant. They dug out, um,
some rocks with drawings on.

And they were like, oh, don't damage
'em, don't, don't mark the paint and...

And it's like, it's rubbish.

It was like a stick
fellow with a yak.

And if...now if that were found now...

Or if a kid brought, showed me that,
I'd go, oh, it's not that good.

So what I mean is... Cause stuff's
old, old stuff gets respect.

But you're not judging it
on its aesthetic merits.

You're judging it on its
historical importance.

Because... I don't think
that's fair, though.

Because when that, when that
fella drew that, it wasn't old.

He did it when he
was knocking about.

- No, but you must see the difference.
- Yes, but...

Between you doing a, a stick man on a wall,
with a bit of chalk, near your local...

And a cave painting that,
that, that they date to 10,000 years ago.

Yeah so in 10,000 years' time,
when they find my story...

Will it gain more respect
then, than it is now?

No, less.

But why is
it? Cause, I...

Because people will more and
more realize what a buffoon you are.

The more research we do, the
more you expose yourself,

as an empty,
egg-headed, uh, moron.

That's a friend speaking
right there, Ricky Gervais.

He loves you like a brother.
No...

I'm just, I just think...

- You've mentioned him before, Steve,
this Pepys fella. - Yes.

Has he done
anything else apart from a diary?

Cause now I've done, now
I've done a book and a diary.

That means you're better than
Pepys, is what you're thinking, isn't it?

Well, I'm not gonna say that until
I know, but what else did he do?

Well, Pepys wasn't a
writer predominantly. Right.

I believe he was a, you know,
like a bureaucrat or something.

But he kept a diary, which has since
become a historical landmark.

And what did he say in it?

Well it's, again, more because
it's both well-written,

and it's also an
amazing insight into...

A social document, as well. Yeah.
A social document, yeah.

It's a social document
of that period.

I mean yours is a social document but
it, it sort of revolves around...

Uh, having egg and chips in a caf and
seeing a lady bird, which, you know...

But that's, that's today's living.
That's what I'm saying.

Well his, but his describes
the Great Fire of London...

Which is what its most,
he's best remembered for.

Yeah, but we haven't had one of them.
If we had one, I'd write it down.

I'm only writing
what's happening.

He, he was just lucky. He was about
in London when that happened.

The thing is, if they read your diary, they'd
think, well nothing happened that year.

Nothing important in the
world happened that year.

Cause your diary doesn't just mention,
I mean, okay, yes, it does...

It fails to mention any disasters in
London, cause we haven't had any.

It doesn't mention
any world events.

It doesn't mention wars in Iraq,
terrorism, it doesn't mention anything.

But I don't need to. But that's
all being wrote about anyway.

If you're saying there's a museum
that's keeping everything.

There's loads of
other books for that.

Who's looking up the fellow
whose skulls fell off?

What?

See? It's interesting, isn't it?

A fellow's skull has fell off.

What do you mean, his
skull has fell off?

It's something to
do with circulation.

But what do you mean
his skull fell off?

Well it's in the diary. But
how can a skull fall off?

Cause it's surrounded by tissue and it's got a brain.
And how can just a skull...

How can it, how can it detach itself
from all the stuff surrounding it?

He mislaid all his dreams.
But, but...

But all I'm saying is, that's
that's not getting a looking.

No, because it's not
significant or probably true.

Karl, you have the same concepts that you
worked out and decided that were true,

at about 10, I think.

I look at it, life, like a, like a big book.
Box of chocolates?

- Like a big book.
- Right. Okay, yeah.

And you know, sometimes you get halfway through
it, and you go, even though I've been,

you know, been enjoying
it, I've had enough.

- Give us another book.
- No.

Your metaphor, analogy, whatever
you're trying to create there,

falls down with, let's
have another book.

Yeah.
No, no, no.

You can either opt out of life,
or stick with it 'til the end.

You can't go, uh, I'll be someone else now.
You can't do that.

I know you think you can.

And I think in your
world you can, you know,

possibly be injected into an old woman's
head, when you've had enough...

And you'd come
out a little baby.

What I mean is, at the
moment, you know, my life...

I'm gonna live to
74, 75, all right.

Okay.
All right.

So yeah, I am probably on page... What am I on?
A book that's got about 200...

This is painful, Steve.
This is really painful.

Come on, sorry, carry on.

I'm on... Say my book's
got, uh, 300 pages in it.

Yeah.
Few pictures and that.

- It's a picture book.
- Um...

That's the great thing about Karl's life.
It's a book for children.

Is it? It's
a popup book.

And it just... Every page
he pops in it he goes,

"All right."
Ha, ha. "All right."

I'm probably on
like, page about 170.

Yeah.
That's so specific.

He's gonna die at 74. Yeah.

He's reading a book with a few pictures
in with 300 pages, and he's on 170.

Go on, then.
So, right...

If, if the book was too thick, all
right, and there was loads more pages...

Let me tell you, this
book is way too thick.

Yeah. If the book was
more thick, yeah.

The book could not be thicker.

If there was loads more pages left, I'd
go, I can't be bothered reading on.

Right. Okay, no let him finish the analogy.
But you must...

But he must have known
that when he saw the book.

You don't... You've got
to finish this analogy.

Otherwise we're gonna be here all night.
Right, listen.

He must have known how many pages there were
when he got the book out of the library.

Yeah, but the way
they write books...

They paint in pictures more at the beginning.
You're going, this is good.

And then it, it gets a bit boring
as it goes on, doesn't it?

Okay, well that works.
So you're saying that you...

You were young...
No, it doesn't work!

Because you just accepted that
that's what all books are like.

Well, no, but there's a little
bit of poetry in that.

Cause he's sort of...
He's actually saying that,

when he was young, his
whole life was ahead of him.

He couldn't wait. The whole world, the
promise that he was given of this world.

And now he's, he's a bit
jaded and he's more cynical.

And he realizes that the world hasn't got
as much to offer him, as he thought it was.

Is that what you meant? Yeah.

Liar.

Actually, Karl, you like
sayings, don't you?

Um, I've got a
list here of some of the...

The sayings and phrases that
Shakespeare made up really.

Um, "in a pickle," was his.

Yeah.

And we know what
"in a pickle," means.

Yeah we know, we know what it means. I,
I, it's a saying I'd, I'd never use.

Cause when you're in a pickle, it's
not something that you would say.

No, if you're being sort
of, if you're captured,

and you're being
tortured for information.

Yeah. You wouldn't, and
you get access to a phone...

You wouldn't call go, "MI5, I'm in a pickle."
Hmm.

You'd be screaming, going,
"They've taken me teeth out."

While you've been talking about that, I
just was looking on the computer at, uh...

The "Pun of the Day" website.

Uh, here's a couple that
you might, you might like.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab
center that said, "Keep off the grass."

Okay, okay now if the pun is the lowest form
of wit, and let's face it, sarcasm isn't.

Sarcasm is up there compared to
the pun, then the drug pun...

I think is one of
the lowest of the low.

Oh, people who congratulate themselves
on getting drug references.

Keep off the grass, will you?
Ha, ha. Grass, get it, grass?

You know, they're smoking
the grass and that.

I think puns should be short
for punch him in the mouth.

Idioms are better.

Go on then, what's an idiom?

Uh... Is that a new
word you made up?

No, I... As in, Karl
Pilkington's a complete idiom.

Yeah. I found out what it
was cause I thought, oh, I like them.

What are they?

Right. Yeah that's right. And
it's like little sayings.

That sum stuff up. Go on, give
us an example of your favorite.

Okay, I'll just say one.
Uh, uh, talking about sayings.

Karl was getting fed up
with somewhat. He was, uh...

Uh, he was fed up with not
getting replies from something.

He's, you know, he's having
a hard time, you know.

And, uh, I went "Oh,
the worm is turned."

He went,

"What?"

"The worm is turned,"
you know. You've...

Stupid saying, isn't it?

No, okay, tell him why you
think that's a stupid saying.

Because how do you know
when a worm's turned?

Right.

Of all the creatures that you could flip
over and know it's turned, why pick a worm?

It's a bad...

It's, it's the worst thing they could
have picked to express something turning.

But you're turning literally.
It means changing, doesn't it?

Changing your attitude. "A new
broom." "Turning over a new leaf."

Yeah but then use
something that changes.

Things are gonna be different now,
and I'm sick of it. Chameleon.

No, but...

Chameleon is a brilliant thing
to use for something to change.

Oh. Chuck that in a sentence.

There's nothing that you
can link a worm to human life to.

You're talking about something that's...
It's blind, isn't it? It's blind, deaf...

Gay.

It's got no features.

Why is he having
such a go at a worm?

Just because it's, it's
a weird thing to use.

Something that... Its ass is more,
it does more than its head.

That could be said
of you, Karl, to be fair.

Oh, chimpanzee that, he's gone
and written it down again...

Just reading excerpts
of Karl's diary.

"Went home and looked
up Freud on the Internet.

"Didn't find him
that interesting.

"So I looked at some other
philosophers instead.

"Socrates, Aristotle.

"Lao Tzu from years ago came
up with some good stuff.

"One, he knew, he who
knows, does not speak.

"He who speaks,
does not know."

Not entirely true.

"To lead people,
walk behind them."

Yep.

"And, of course, the journey of
1,000 miles begins with one step."

Yeah, good that.

"Maybe this is why people are at the start
line spectating at the Commonwealth Games."

Well, I, no, it's just that
I, I've never understood why,

in Olympics and
stuff like that...

If you're gonna watch, don't
stand around on the start line.

Go to the end where
you see the winner.

But, because of that saying, it
actually makes sense, doesn't it?

It's like, well, every step
starts with a step, or whatever.

Say it again.

Uh, every race, you know, you got
to start with a, with, with a step.

Yeah.

If you want to stay
at the start line, do.

What does that mean?

I'm just saying if, if
you're into, I'm not...

I wouldn't watch a race, right.

Okay. Right.
But all I'm saying is...

If I was to watch a race...
Yeah.

I wouldn't hang about
the start line because...

I, I'm capable... Well,
you just said you would.

What? Did I?

Yeah, you said that's the place to start,
because every, every race starts with a step.

No. But I wouldn't normally.

- When I was on holiday...
- Yeah.

- Suzanne said, there's a race going
on down the road. - Yeah.

I'd go, well, let's go keep going down
the road and stand at the finish line.

Okay, but now who are we talk...
But according to Lao Tzu...

Yeah. I'd say,
well, hang on a minute.

Every race starts
with a single step.

Yeah. How many people
are around the start line?

Is there more room there?
And she's goes, "Yeah."

I'll go, let's go there
then. It's less busy.

Right. And what
would you see there then?

I'd see people starting the race, but I
wouldn't be that impressed with them,

because I'd go, well, I don't know
if any of these are any good.

So would you start at the
start or the end then?

I'd...if it was down to me, I, I'd
just probably stay at the finish line.

Okay. So you wouldn't
want to see the first step then?

Not really. So what do you
think of Lao Tzu now then?

Uh, I preferred the leading
people from behind.

Okay. And what would you do
to lead someone now then.

Um, well, if you're behind, you don't
have to take responsibility, do you?

You can go, well, I didn't
send you here. You went there.

That's not really
leading them, though, is it?

Yeah, because I've made
them think. I've gone, uh...

They go, oh, I've
just walked into a big hole.

I'd go, oh, you should have been
looking where you're going.

I haven't led them in that hole,
but they've learned a lesson.

They won't go in a hole again.

That was one of the greatest
conversations I've ever been a part of.

I mean, that was incredible. Never
mind Aristotle and Socrates.

That was incredible, that.
That was incredible, Karl.

One of the key catch-phrases,
if you like, from the war,

Karl, was of course, "Keep
the home fires burning."

Is that like saying,
in a way, but...

Don't worry when you come
home, the house is warm.

Pretty much.
Sort of.

Yeah. Never forget where you're from.
We're remembering you.

We're here waiting for you.
Yeah.

Again, it doesn't
say what it means.

So there is you, you
know, risking your life.

And you're getting the letter from 'em
saying, "We've got the heating on."

Again, working hard,
paying the bills.

They've got the heating blaring. Put
your coat on.

Start panicking. "We're keeping
the home fires burning."

What? I didn't know
what you mean. Fire.

When we have that in? I thought
we had central heating.

Who's, who's she got in? Who is this bloke
who's moved in, changed the heating system?

It's all, it's
all extra hassle.

Do you know...yeah.

Is...this is why it's best
not hearing from people.

Go on. Brilliant. I've, I was
in the jungle, wasn't I?

Yeah. Right?
For this program.

Suzanne... Should explain
that Karl wasn't on maneuvers.

We sent Karl around the
world for a program.

Um, and, uh, yeah...

But hold on. I want to hear about your...
He was in the jungle.

And he, he didn't want to hear
anything from home, because...

No. On a lot of the trips I
had a phone now and again.

So I could call Suzanne.

When I was in the jungle, I was out of
contact for like five days. Nothing.

- Didn't know what was going on where, right?
- Right.

I get out of the jungle. I call Suzanne up.

Everything all right?

Yeah. What bills have we got?

Uh... And then I said,
how, you know, how was it?

And she said, it was reassuring,
you know, it was all right.

And it's reassuring that if
you died, it'd be all right.

What? What do you mean?
That was from Suzanne.

What was she saying? Because she sort of,
it was like I was dead for five days.

And she said things
weren't that bad.

I've still got stuff sorted out.
It's reassuring.

She said what?
She said...

You called her up after five
days of being in the jungle,

eating grubs and
having things...

Surviving. Yeah. Surviving.
Yeah. Right.

There's me. The first phone
call I get I put the phone on.

I'm going to call
Suzanne and let her know I'm all right.

So you could get the phone calls
in the jungle, but you didn't want to.

What do you mean, turn the phone on?
I thought you meant you were...

No. It was off, because
there's no signal. All right.

You mean you
got out of the jungle.

You mean you got out of the jungle.
Right. I got out of the jungle.

Popped the phone on. Thinking right, I'll
call Suzanne, let her know I'm all right.

Yeah. Mmm. I've been
to hell and back here.

Call her up.
Everything all right?

Uh, you know, what's it
been like not, not to...

I said, that's the longest
we've gone, isn't it?

I don't think I've ever gone 24 hours
without talking to her for 17 years.

Yeah. Yeah. Suddenly there's
a week when I'm not talking to her.

She goes, yeah, it
started off weird,

but it's reassuring, that if you
were dead, I can handle it.

Cause she said, I sorted
everything out still.

I could handle it
if you weren't here.

Now, now what
offended you most?

Um, the, the fact that you did...
Well, just like the...

That, uh... You want her
to be dependent on you?

Or the fact that you realize, you make
no difference at all in her life?

Well, that's a bit annoying, isn't it?
They forget, don't they?

The bills weren't as piling up
as, as much as they normally do.

That's the only thing they
ever get through the door.

You know, when there's a postal strike, carry on.
I'm not interested.

You're only bringing
bills to the door anyway.

Carry on striking. There
wasn't that much post.

There wasn't that many bills to sort out.
There wasn't problems with the boiler.

She's forgetting all this.
Right.

So I'd like to go back
in the jungle... Yeah.

Just as the boiler, the flame
started to flicker...

Yeah.
And about to go out.

Let's see her then.

And that's why I'd say to any soldiers
listen to this, before you leave home.

Yeah. Just leave everything.
Break a few things.

- Uh, don't pay the bills, and then go.
- Yeah.

And they'll miss you more. Yeah.

They'll miss you more. Well, that's
great advice to people overseas...

Let me just reiterate that...

The next time, when you come home, have
a great time, with your wife and kids.

See your see your mom and
dad, and all your family.

But then, when you've just gotta
go back into active service,

just, uh, smash the place
up and shit everywhere.

Thanks.

Karl, what's your
thoughts on poetry?

I've never really
been a, a fan of it.

There's a surprise.

It's sold in a bad light. It's a
bit sort of, a bit gay, isn't it?

Okay. I mean it depends what
sort you're talking about.

Cause I, maybe there's poetry
out there that I haven't heard.

There's some poetry
gayer than others.

Yeah. War poetry can't
be gay, can't it?

- That was people...
- I haven't heard... Go on.

People fighting in the trenches
and that can't be gay.

They weren't gay. They were, they
were writing to their sweetheart.

I don't know his name. Might, might
have been a bloke. I don't know.

But so is, was it, was it, uh, sort
of a, what sort of poem was it?

Was it a sort of a
limerick? Sort of a...

No, it was, it was, uh, well
there's, there's famous ones.

Wilfred Owen and Siegfried
Sassoon and they're very moving.

They're about, uh,
you know, the, the...

What usually happens is that they talk about...
"Why are we here?"

This is, you know, we've been,
we've been sold a, a lie here.

You know, and they really...

It's like seeing war
in a different light from...

Their point of view
in the trenches.

Famously some of 'em died
soon after the, you know...

But I prefer, I prefer a proper letter.
They'd written the poem.

No sort of crypticness. That's
the problems with poems.

Right. Okay.
So you...

You'd be disappointed to get Dulce Et
Decorum Est through the post, would you?

You'd have just said, what
you trying to say, mate?

It, what's the weather like? When you coming home?
Did you get me socks?

Well, yeah, sometimes life is a bit like that.
And it's like say what you mean.

Right. Well that's,
well then, there...

You have just wiped all art
off the face of the earth.

If you literally just
say what you mean.

No I'm just saying in a letter.

Say if I, say if I was a woman, and
me fella was fighting in a war.

Right. What's your
fella's name? Harry.

Okay. So Harry, let me get this right.
So when were you married?

Uh, about 19, uh, 1935.

1935. So, uh, you've
been married about four years.

Yeah.

Harry, what, why don't you go off?
Oh, you're a woman, aren't you?

You don't go fight. Okay. So
what did you see in Harry?

What, what, why, why
did you like Harry? Was he...

- He just was like funny, uh...
- Butch.

He wasn't that butch but that didn't
matter back then, did it, in the war?

No. No, and you...
They took everyone.

But what did you say when
Harry was, had said to you...

Well I, I thought
it was coming.

Because a lot of, uh, a lot
of our friends ended up...

Right. Did you hug him
and say don't go or something?

No point, cause that would have
just made it tough for him. So...

What's the point?
Just go with it.

But if he...
I cried after he went.

You cried
after he went.

That's what you do, isn't it? You
wouldn't do it in front of him.

He's got, he's
gotta go to battle.

Okay, so your man
goes off to battle.

-Right. Then I get a, a letter
from the Colonel. - Right.

Saying a bit of bad
news. Harry's dead.

Now I get a letter
in the post...

He said, he said what he
meant, didn't he, in the...

- Well, yeah. And they would do,
wouldn't they? - Yeah.

They wouldn't funny around saying,
"Oh, he was, he was on the...

"War path and the cloud,
the cloud went dark."

I go, what... Just tell me what happened.
I don't want a weather forecast.

He got shot in the ass and
the bullet came out his head.

Right. Now, the Colonel, he, he
would just tell me the basics.

Now, because he
sent his by, um...

- Telegram, telegram?
- Telegram.

- They sent a telegram.
- Hmm.

The letter I get from Harry has
been stamped, so I get it late.

Oh, okay. So I get a letter
from, uh, from Harry after he's died.

Right and
you know he's dead.

I know he's dead, so I get this
letter with his handwriting on it.

And I'm devastated, cause I was
just getting over his death.

Yeah.

It's all brought back to me when
this letter drops through the post.

Well yeah, three days
and you're pretty much over it.

- It'll have his handwriting. Oh,
God, what's this? - Yeah.

- I open it.
- Yeah.

And instead of saying,
"Things are bad here.

"Socks are damp, uh, you
know, everything's grim."

"It's
cold, I'm sick of it."

There's a poem. It wouldn't
feel like it was from Harry.

But now... Well...
They're not in his words.

Poems are never in the,
in the person's words.

But didn't you know Harry was a poet when you
married him, and made love to him at night?

No, he only picked it up,
because other people were doing it.

Something to do
in the trenches.

But when he carried you over
the threshold, Karl, and he...

He laid you down and gently kissed
you, didn't he, didn't he say any...

Didn't he ever...

He must have
whispered some sweet nothings

into your spherical,
round head.

- No, it wasn't like that. It
wasn't like that. - No?

Straight to the point. It was
like, "Get your knickers off."

That's one of the weirdest fucking
scenarios I've ever heard.

What the fuck was the telegram
coming before the letter?

So specific. It wasn't like Harry...
Who the fuck's Harry?

Oh, God.

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