Original subtitles

For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

Testing. Is that all right?

Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant... Hello.

And a little round-headed buffoon. That is... Karl Pilkington.

Right.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

I think it probably best, uh, Rick,

if we return to the very beginning of time, the dawn of man.

Because, of course, uh, even in primitive prehistoric ages,

medicine was practiced in some ways,

from the, uh, research people have done...

Cave paintings and the like.

Uh, Karl, I wonder if you would just give us your initial thoughts...

On, um, you know, the, uh, the medicine of the ancient world.

Uh...

You, you're not...you sound like you're... If you haven't studied it or...

Or you're being... You being modest? Are you being modest?

Never, never really thought about it.

I know that, um, Tutankhamun,

- he, uh... - Tutankhamun?

He, he died of like a, of a knee injury.

So, they didn't have that much medicine knocking about back then.

Right, where did you get this information from? It sounds vague.

It came off a chariot. They're dangerous things.

He came off a chariot.

Honestly, it's...you're gonna make yourself look daft here,

because that's what happened.

Imagine that. In a room,

with Karl Pilkington, we make ourselves look daft. We make ourselves look daft.

How would we have... That would be incredible.

Shall we move on to, um...

The ancient world in terms of Egyptians,

the Greeks, the Romans, of course, cause they made huge advances.

Particularly the Romans, who understood, of course, the importance of sanitation.

You know, famously, you know, streets were clean.

Yeah. Don't you think that...

If we hadn't have cleaned up as much, that...

I don't know, we'd be stronger.

What? Uh, well, well I know what you mean.

Yeah, they, they say... They're saying now...

They say let your kids eat dirt.

Yeah of course, well that, that's exactly what, um, uh, immunization is.

Giving you a bit of the disease.

Yeah but it's gone mental now. Whenever a baby's born,

he's drugged out of his eyeballs.

It's only about a week old. They're giving him all sorts of shots.

Like what?

Loads of stuff, stuff for whooping cough.

Yeah, you don't want whooping cough.

Tutankhamun could have died of whopping cough.

No, but, but they give it loads of stuff.

And, uh, now it's like you...

I don't know, it's making us weak.

There's this big thing, you know, about the super bug...

Where people took half the course of antibiotics.

It was almost like an immunization,

to the bacteria and virus against the antibiotic. Yeah.

That's, that's what I mean. So, yeah...

We need some germs, as you'd call 'em. But

there are some that we have eradicated.

I mean I think it was, uh, in our lifetime,

that they eradicated smallpox from the world.

There are rumors, of course...

Uh, that both Russia and America still have

the smallpox virus under lock and key, which they could theoretically...

Breed and use in a chemical warfare situation.

Well, there was a bit of a scandal a few years ago.

I think ten years ago, where...

In a, a university laboratory,

someone came across a marked yogurt pot, in deep freeze, that had smallpox in it.

When you say it was marked, was it like someone's put their name on it...

Cause they don't want someone to, uh, to eat their smallpox yogurt?

No, no. No, I, I think they, they...

You know, they looked into it, and it was the deep,

frozen, um, smallpox virus.

What I mean is, it's under lock and key or, or...

Or frozen, minus... Well, that's not good enough, is it?

Why? Under lock and key and all...

It's just, it's not good enough. Get rid of it.

Why are they keeping a little tub of smallpox knocking about?

Well they're not, they're not meant to be.

Well, that's a lesson... Yeah, but what was it doing there in the first place?

That's, to me, that's like in James Bond,

where they don't kill him when they have the chance.

There's always that little thing of, "Oh let's play with danger.

"Let's keep a bit." Yeah.

Well it's probably... Next to AIDS in the Kia-Ora bottle.

I don't, I don't understand why you, why you'd, why you'd store that.

Well, there's probably a presumption.

It's probably an overhang from the, uh, Cold War.

Where people were thinking...

Well, listen, what if Russia's still got some smallpox?

We better hang on to some smallpox.

It's just clutter, though, as well, isn't it?

You say, we're obsessed with keeping stuff.

And it's the same with germs, we can't even say, "Get rid of that."

We won't be needing it. Smallpox...

We'll keep it, just in case. Get rid of it!

Don't, we've got this obsession thing again at saving everything.

You say that but, of course, famously, Alexander Fleming

discovered, uh, what may be the most important breakthrough...

Um, of the 20th century, which was the first antibiotic, I think, in 1928.

And he discovered that cause he, uh, left a bit of old bread out...

For awhile, and it went all moldy in his kitchen.

And he thought, "Oh, what's that?"

- Oh, let's have a look. - I know but it's...

Like I've said to you before, it's, it's down to him being scruffy, more than anything.

Well, no... It just seems like...

There's a lot of scruffy kitchens around.

But, think if his cleaner had come in and gone,

"Oh, Mr. Fleming, oh, you, oh, you..."

You disgust me, you fucking filthy, scruffy cunt.

I'm gonna throw this bread away.

He's gonna go, Um, uh, Maude.

What did you do with that, um, old bread I left out?

It had gone green, sir, so I chucked it away.

Oh, Maude, you dopey, fucking slut.

You've just caused millions and millions of people to die.

Keep out of my fucking kitchen!

I know, but, but don't put it there.

It's the same way, smallpox in a yogurt pot... So you're on Maude's side?

It's a yogurt, in a yogurt pot. Wow.

You're asking for trouble.

But what if Maude had come in and thrown that away?

Again? He couldn't, he couldn't shout at her.

She's doing her job. I'd be annoyed if it was still there.

Yeah. Just don't put like...

Yogurt pots with smallpox in the fridge for a starter. Yeah, but you...

Yeah, but you were saying earlier, um...

"Oh, let's let babies eat mud. Don't inject 'em."

- Yeah, but... - "Let 'em crawl around a dirty floor.

"Clean up the floor and no one would die."

I did say that. But we've gone too far now.

Babies are coming out mad.

Oh, they can't handle anything now.

They're coming out all maddy.

All maddy? Get ill... Yeah they get ill easy.

They're not tough babies anymore.

We're ending up with a load of weak people who need looking after all the time.

That costs a lot of money.

And they can't do anything. They're useless.

Now that doesn't happen in, in other nature.

If a little, weak bird is born...

You see Bill Oddie saying, "That won't last..."

He says, he says, "That won't last a week," and he's right.

You watch and say, "Oh that, that third baby that came out died."

And what's your point, Karl? And he's right.

That modern medicine, which can help people live to the age of 75, 80...

They shouldn't be doing that? They should let people just die off?

I just... Well, here's something, right?

Go on. The estate that I grew up on...

- There's a woman there. - Yeah.

Scruffy Sandra. Her name is.

I like her already. Oh, it's great. It's so descriptive.

Now... She had no chance, even if she cleaned up her act.

Yeah. She'd come in looking like Pretty Woman.

You go, "All right, Scruffy."

No... What's the point? What is the point of...

- Oh, fuckin' hell. - So, so the thing is,

she used to always get on these buses called, "Dial-A-Rides"

that were sort of like posh taxis.

You could call for one that come round to your house.

Yeah. And it would pick you up and you'd pay like 50 P.

But it would pick up a bunch of other people as well?

Yeah, yeah on the way. So it, it...

It would take ages to get to where you're going. And what a nightmare that is.

No, oh it's, it's, it's good, though.

It's kind of a bit of a day out, old people used to love it.

Cause you'd get to see things. Right. Right.

And, uh, you'd hear a call coming in on the radio, that, you know...

Scruffy Sandra is being picked up . And you go, "Oh, God."

And she'd always have loads of bin bags with her for some reason.

Now the thing is...

Well, she sounds clean.

She, no, she stunk. Well she's taking out the bin bags.

Was she homeless?

No, she wasn't homeless. No, she used to just, uh...

She just didn't bath and that. She just stunk.

But the, but the weird thing is...

Why didn't they call her Stinky Sandra?

She never was ill. Right.

- People didn't sit next to her. - Yeah.

- Because she stunk. - Yeah.

Now because of that, anyone who might have had a bit of flu,

or a cold, never sat next to Scruffy Sandra.

Right. Cause she stunk.

But that was good. That was like a protection thing for her.

Cause she knew that because she stunk,

no one wants to sit next to her.

She wouldn't pick up the, the germ.

Right. Now, but this is quite...

Your point is, in order to fend off illness,

you have to not bathe, and so you stink?

So you're saying, that it wasn't that she'd built up an immunity.

It was that she stank so much, that flu wouldn't come near her.

This is such a specific example.

It's, it's not applicable in any other scenario.

There's always colds, there's always flu.

It's whether your immunity is, is good or bad.

That's interesting, isn't it, that, um...

More, sort of, colds are spread through shaking hands,

than people, you know, just taking in the air.

That's why some sort of germaphobes don't even shake hands anymore.

Yeah but that's going too far.

Cause they're gonna die of something.

You can't be that paranoid. You gotta get on with your life.

Loneliness.

And it's good to feel ill, because when you feel better,

you appreciate how good you feel. Doesn't make any sense at all,

"It's good to feel ill." No, no.

Doesn't make any sense at all. No, it does afterwards.

The other weekend when I was ill...

I don't know what was up with me but I got, I got something.

Symptoms? Uh...

Went to toilet a lot.

Felt sick at the same time.

Got sweat on, uh, felt weak, had the shakes.

- Uh... - Just a bug, yeah.

Lasted, lasted probably about 24 hours.

After that 24 hours...

You go, "Oh, I feel good again."

It's nice to feel good again.

And it makes you appreciate how good you feel.

Now sometimes, I don't know if I feel well.

Doesn't make any sense at all, either.

What do you mean, sometimes you don't know whether you feel well?

Because I, because I have been in my body for years.

There he goes again. Don't...yeah.

There he goes again. The two minds... No.

If there was, if there was some sort of kit...

That the doctor said,

How are you feeling, Mr. Pilkington?

And I go, "Oh, I think feel all right."

And they go, "Well, do you?"

And, I don't know. And they go...

Well, step into the machine. Right?

Get into the machine, and if he could somehow...

Transfer my feeling, into his body.

So I could feel how he feels.

And then he can feel how I feel.

And he'll go, "Oh, you're not well at all."

Your heartbeat's irregular for a start.

You're a maniac. This is...

I don't know what's going on here. No. Because...

Cause you're... Why don't you just accept that if you feel well,

you know... Cause you don't know if you feel well.

Hang on, let's get this machine built.

Sorry, why are people bothering studying AIDS?

We gotta get this machine built.

Listen, this machine could do a lot of good, if they could do it.

Why?

Because some people, you hear about people who go...

Oh, I think I've got a bit of wind.

Before you know it, they drop down dead.

Right? Because they didn't know.

They just... Well,

Didn't, didn't Mr., uh, Mr. Jones have, have a sweat on, Mrs. Jones, before...

Oh yeah, he did, but he always had a sweat on.

Well, didn't it bother him? No, he was used to it. Happened for years.

Why didn't you come in?

So, and what would the machine do again? He felt all right.

The machine would make my doctor...

Yeah. Feel like me.

So Mr. Jones went... Cause there's too many ill people.

to the doctor, and said, "Oh, I've got a sweat on."

- Right? - Right, so he'd go,

Hmm, well I tell you what, get in the machine.

- So, Mr. Jones gets in the machine. - Yeah.

The doctor hits the button.

Mr. Jones gets into the doctor.

- The doctor goes, "You have got a sweat on." - Right.

I'm familiar with this cause I had a fella in the other day with a similar thing.

Take three of these.

You are a mental case.

I don't know what that, I don't know what this is.

Because... But, why can't the doctor make

that observation like a doctor does? Yeah, what is this...

Why can't the doctor, using his knowledge, observe the person...

I'll tell you why... This is not a scene from Ghost.

This is like Patrick Swayze...

Listen. When me nerves were short...

Are they not short already, have they extended since then?

Well, I just have to do stretches, and it's pulled 'em.

It's pulled 'em about. Right.

But when I, when I had that, I'm not very good with words.

Go on. So when I was going in saying,

"Doctor, me knee's aching."

Uh, and he'd go,

"What sort of ache is it?" I don't know.

Yeah. I don't know. I, it's just an ache.

Toothache. It's like a toothache, in me leg.

No, but it's different. It's a different ache. Go on.

Now the thing is... Ass ache. It's like an ass ache.

It's hard to explain an ache.

So he'd have to feel the ache and then he could make an assumption from that?

Thank you.

So he would presumably go through training...

Going in the machine, and then they'd bring in various sick people.

And he would experience and feel every single ailment.

- Great. - Yeah, but over...

Doctor, I'll let you know now what a swift kick in the bollocks feels like.

Just in case you ever have to diagnose that.

Oh, you. Okay, I'll remember that one.

Yeah, but...

Doctor, now you're gonna feel a spike up the ass.

It's all about...

Okay, I'll remember that one. Okay. Doctor...

No, couldn't I just wait till the man comes in with a spike up your arse?

No, no, you've gotta tell you so you know feel it.

But I reckon I could assess it

if he's coming with a spike up his ass, I'd be able to tell.

No, no. You've gotta experience everything

before someone comes in and gets into your body like Ghost.

And you'll know what it is.

Hey, listen. Let's not, let's not dismiss this idea out of hand, of course.

Because you'll famously remember, uh, Rick, that

Karl had the idea of a man who can grow backwards.

So, he's born as an old man and when he dies, he's a young baby.

And with all ideas come something.

Einstein said that.

He said, "If, if a an idea isn't..."

Go on. Wait, wait, wait...

Just let him finish it. We've got an Einstein quote here. What did Einstein say?

Yeah. This is an historic day.

Um, Karl, sorry, what were you saying?

What did, what did, uh, what did, uh, Albert Einstein say?

He just said something along the lines of...

No, no, no. Give us the quote.

It doesn't matter about how, how he worded it. No, no, no don't...

It's the point in hand. Well, I think it is.

I think a quote... I think like all, I mean any, any sort of, uh...

Poetic content of anything is exactly how it's...

How it's worded. So just, what, what did Einstein say exactly?

It's not... Well, he... What is it?

He said something along the lines of...

Go on. Uh...

An idea. If an idea isn't daft...

Oh, start again. Start again. No, come on, let's hear it.

No cause he start...

He said, if an idea isn't daft, it isn't worth thinking about.

What? Say that again.

If an idea isn't daft, it isn't worth thinking about.

I can't imagine him saying, "daft."

No I can't. I can't. No, well, it was something like that, though.

Meaning that every new idea seems a bit mental. Mmm.

Yeah.

Right? It's a good point.

But then it leads to something.

Mmm. I'm not sure that he... Well, well, no.

But I think if we were sat with Einstein now.

And you had brought up the machine that allows doctors to feel,

- I don't think he'd be saying we should pursue that idea. - No.

There's some ideas that go that, that... I think the earth might be round.

You go, "Oh, it is flat." And then there's people...

Who stand in doorways, covered in crucifixes with, uh, tinfoil on their head...

Saying, "Jesus is in my cock."

Yeah, but... Now, he's a mentalist.

Yes, but what I'm saying is...

Wouldn't you have said it was mental years ago...

When someone said, "I'm gonna make a machine, so I can look inside your head."

Years on, "Hello, get in the machine, we've got an MRI scanner."

Um, you may obviously be aware, Karl,

that the first contraceptive diaphragms, centuries ago,

were, uh, citrus rinds.

Half on orange rind, for instance, would be, would be used.

- I mean... - More selfish men turned 'em inside out.

I believe that's also still being used in parts of Manchester.

Half of what?

An orange. Just think of your head.

And it worked?

Well, we don't know, uh, at this juncture.

I mean maybe, I don't know.

It worked for contraception, because women went, "Fuck off."

What are you coming to me with a fucking orange on your cock for, you dopey cunt?

But it could, I mean again, it's not thinking it of...

We look, we look at it now, and we laugh.

But look, look at what's happening.

People now are always trying to get us to eat more fruit.

- I don't... - Amazing.

That's, that's a way of getting...

I thought for a minute he was gonna say...

I know. Okay, so they start with it...

Then they went from that, the orange rind to say a coconut shell.

Yeah... That was too big, that didn't work.

Run! Here's comes Coconut John.

No, don't put half a pineapple on your cock, that's insane.

Yeah, no, it's mental. And then somewhere down the line,

they finally got to contraception, as we understand it.

Is that... I thought that was where you going, but no.

No, no. It's something about eating oranges is healthy for you.

No, what I'm saying is, if you go into any well-known supermarket.

And you look at say some young kid who's had a kid...

And you look at stuff in their shopping basket...

Yeah. They're not buying fruit.

They're buying, you know, burgers and chips.

Turkey Twizzlers, crisps.

Yeah. Crisps and all that. Now, but they love having it away.

Get some fruit in.

So, they definitely have fruit in the house.

Which at the moment, a lot of kids don't have fruit in their house.

That's why they're eating Turkey Twizzlers.

But, the mom loves having it her way,

so she would have loads of fruit in.

So if she was... So everyone's happy.

If she's using an orange for contraception... The kids are eating fruit.

she would, she would also be giving the kids half.

Well, you wouldn't waste it.

So half the orange she'd give to the kids,

and half the orange, she'd stick up her fanny.

Yeah, a treat for everyone.

Have a bit of fruit, and she's got what she wants.

Whereas at the moment, what happens?

A burger is not gonna be helpful for anyone.

If you want me tonight, pop a sesame seed bun on your cock.

Take out the fucking pickle. No one likes a fucking pickle up the fanny.

Oh, he's a bloody romantic.

Oh he, oh he popped a plum roll sausage up my fanny yesterday.

He loves me...

Modern man, in a sense, with all the technology we have, can play God.

And this is something which is huge now.

A lot of ethical discussions about things like stem-cell research.

Should we be interfering? No.

In what should be a Godly terrain?

You say, "No," straightaway. Straightaway, "No."

I think, uh, it's sort of like messing about now.

I think that's the problem.

We've got the tools, and they like to use them. And that's what happens.

I've got a sander, uh, for Christmas.

And I can't wait to sand stuff.

I can't even think of enough things that need sanding, but I want to use it.

Not Scruffy Sander.

And that's the problem isn't it?

If you've got the tools, you can't have the tools and say, "Pop 'em in the shed."

No, I want to use 'em. A new tool, here.

They sat in the shed, though. All right.

That's the problem isn't it? All these, all these...

- You know, medical people, um... - Hmm.

That's what happened in The Hulk, isn't it

Yeah. Well again, that's, I'll just say that is a work of fiction, The Hulk.

Yeah, but with all fiction... Comes...

The future.

Yeah, certainly in science fiction.

But the problem is, this is what I say is the problem.

Go on. Go on though. This is a... Is there a quote from someone?

Well, yeah. Let's sum it up then. Karl, shoot me.

People are living too long.

Is that it? That's not a summary yet. Have one more go.

This is, this is the real one.

- Uh, it'll be something like... - Mmm.

Today's cure is tomorrow's headache.

Is that all right? That's all right.

'Cause what I'm saying there is...

Go on. We can come up with, with stuff.

Mmm.

We can come up with a tablet to get rid of headache. Mmm.

Tomorrow, your headache's gone. Your legs are hurting.

So today's cure is actually tomorrow's leg ache.

So today's cure is tomorrow's leg ache.

Yeah. But ages ago I said to you, don't solve problems. Go on.

Yeah.

Because a problem solved is a problem caused.

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die!

I don't remember that quote.

Medicine is the art or science of healing.

And that doesn't always have to be um, a drug or a surgery.

We mustn't just forget that, um...

Some people don't need medicine. They just need help.

Um, for example, there are people that help disabled people...

Um, have intercourse.

There's someone that actually helps the man

put in his penis...

Um, to the uh, the woman's, um, vagina, and they leave the room.

No, no. I've never seen. I've never even heard of this.

It's true. Absolutely true. There are helpers. Steve?

Yeah, I know I believe that is the case. Yeah.

And that's just, no, just as needed as anything that might cure their health.

But it's not, it's not. That's pleasure.

Yeah. So what are you saying?

Because you can't walk or, or move...

That you can't love someone and want to, to share that love and consummate?

I'm just saying it's not a priority.

Well no, but they, they're gonna live.

They're, they're healthy apart from their disability.

I've met someone.

They want to, you know, consummate this, this love.

And someone is, um, helps them out and goes, well...

You know, that's part of my job.

No it's not part of the job.

But it, it is part of the job. 'Cause no one would take this job on.

Because that's their job. I have never heard anyone say...

Oh, I've had a right day today.

Why? I've been playing with Arthur's, uh, tackle all day.

They don't play with Arthur's tackle. I've never...

They pop Arthur's tackle in Hilda's vagina.

I don't think they do.

They do. How can they enjoy that?

I mean maybe once. They're not doing it to enjoy it.

Maybe once and they'd go, "That didn't work did it? I didn't enjoy that Hilda."

No. How can they enjoy it with a nurse...

But don't, she'd...no. ...stuck there having to do that?

They help her in. She helps Arthur in, or he, might be a male nurse.

Pops Arthur in. Goes, "Okay, Arthur, um, I'll see you in a few minutes."

Right, goes outside.

But what's the point though in that?

Why?

Because it's all about the mood and everything.

He's just stuck onto her like, like a stag beetle coming onto a leaf.

There's no enjoyment in that.

Oh, the well-known, uh, stag beetle copulating with a leaf syndrome.

- No, but I'm just saying... - That's a well-known position in the Kama Sutra.

I'm just saying... No he knows that you know.

He... So I think it's a lovely act.

And someone's willing to... Wouldn't you help someone in? Definitely not.

No? What so... Definitely not.

No, no, say the guy goes, "Oh, this is my wife."

Um, we're both so, I can't... I can't, you know, can you just pop me in, Karl?

Um, you're the only, you know, you're the only person around.

No, I don't think it's important enough. But there are people...

What do you mean you don't think it's important enough?

I'd be happy to go around, put the washing on for them, make the bed.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Yeah I'd love one. There you go.

Oh, just before you go... Forget it.

If they asked me to do that, I would, I'd quit.

And I think, I don't think it happens...

Because people wouldn't take it on for a job. It does happen.

You never hear about it. On Comic Relief... It does.

when they're raising money, they don't go,

"Thanks to Midland Bank for this $100,000."

That's gonna go towards Arthur getting his end away.

That's ridiculous. So you'd, you would...

Rather them not have the pleasure of each other, than just help 'em in?

No 'cause it would...

They'd work out some way that they could do something for each other.

I want to play the guitar.

Me fingers aren't long enough.

I've knocked it on the head.

It's the same thing.

If you can't do it, don't do it.

So, you're telling me, right, okay, um...

If the, supposing there's a little fellow, he's got no arms, no legs,

- right? - Right.

Little Bob. Okay, there he is.

All right, Karl. All right.

Um, he's got a friend, another little fella with no arms and no legs.

All right, Karl.

Right, they love each other. Two little, two little fellows.

Two little dwarves with no arms and no legs, okay?

Lovely little fellows. They get married, okay?

Karl, you can't, you can't put my, uh...

My penis up my, um, my boyfriend's bottom, can you?

No, I can't, no.

Oh, why not? Why not, Karl? Do you need anything else doing?

Uh, no, I'm fine. I'm fine...

No, it's weird how you can manage everything else.

Well, no. I mean, it's well, everything else seems to be sorted.

Well, just the chair. Why do you need help in this department?

Well, because he's over there, and I'm here.

And I just, if you just pop me in and just leave it there.

No, I'm not doing that. It's not good for you.

You've lost your arms and legs.

You'll be losing that soon if you carry on sticking it up there.

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