Original subtitles

Right. One more time.

The nuts are in the nuts box,

and the pretzels are in the pretzels box.

Right, yeah. No, where's the pretzels box?

On top of the nuts box.

Where's the nuts box?

Under the pretzels box.

Did you say something about pork scratchings?

For the love of Ollie Reed!

The pork scratchings box is empty because my last barman Zorro

went awol and didn't collect the delivery.

That is why I have sacked him and given you the job, remember?

Oh, yeah.

That is why I have to go to the port on my moped and track them down.

You've got a moped?

What do you think this is?

~ A hat. ~ Hm.

Is she winding me up?

I can be wilder than the wind 190 miles an hour

I'm in a whole other dimension dancing doubles on the floor

You think I'm crazy A little bit hazy but I'm stone cold

I can be wilder than the wind 190 miles an hour

I'm in a whole other dimension dancing doubles on the floor

You think I'm crazy, a little bit hazy but I'm stone cold.

Brutus, I got the cat stuffed.

It smells a bit but I reckon if we get it back on Senor Alonso's balcony before he's back

from getting his hair plugs done, we can... And you're not Brutus.

Yeah. No.

Can you get Brutus?

I don't know.

Right. Do you know where he is?

~ Oh, I don't know. ~ I'm getting that. Can you take a message for me?

~ Uh... ~ You know what, don't worry. Zorro! Zorro!

~ Hi. ~ Yeah, hi. How are you? Zorro!

~ Yeah, no, I'm Zorro. ~ What?

The boss bloke says whoever does this job has to be called Zorro.

Zorro has been fired?

Have I? This always happens to me.

No, no, no not you, old Zorro.

Oh, right. Yeah.

The boss bloke says he hasn't turned up for like three days.

So now I'm him. Her.

OK. As it's your first day, I'll go easy on you.

On your marks - get set, mojito!

I don't know what to do.

White rum, mint, sugar, lime, soda water. Go-go-go!

Sorry. Sorry I'm late. Sorry. Sorry.

I'll make up my time at the end of my shift.

Bad news, old Zorro. Brutus has already replaced you.

Oh, what? I'm late for work by what, like 25 minutes?

~ Three days. ~ Three days? What?

Where have you been? Tell me the whole story. Unless it's boring.

In which case do a bit out of the Lion King or something.

You be Simba, I'll be Zazu. No, wait. I want to be Simba.

You be Mufasa.

I've been at Gamberos Casino.

Cool. How much did you win?

~ I lost 10,000 euros. ~ Well, count yourself lucky you don't have that kind of money to lose.

The casino gave me credit and... I used collateral.

What collateral?

~ The bar. ~ This bar? The bar you don't own? That bar?

Uh, that bar, yeah. I lost the bar.

The bar you don't own. Brilliant.

The casino didn't think so.

They say that if I don't pay back within 24 hours, they're going to take my knees away.

Knees are overrated. Sorry, not overrated, essential.

It's OK. I did a deal.

Well done, you. What's the deal?

The casino needs a new investigator

and I told them that you would do it for... free.

~ No deal. ~ But what about my knees?

Do you think I should help him? No, I don't think so.

Really? No.

Listen to your friend there, cat.

OK, I'll do it. What do I have to do?

I'll let Coco explain.

Of course, you better let Coco explain. Who's Coco?

She's my sort of, er, girlfriend.

She, er, sort of works at the casino.

Great. I can't wait to sort of meet her.

One mo... thingy.

Who are you?

Zorro, meet Zorro. Zorro, this is Zorro.

Zorro, Zorro's the new Zorro and you're the old Zorro.

One day, new Zorro, you'll be the new old Zorro and there'll a new new Zorro. Clear? Great. Let's go.

What?

MUSIC: Love Is The Drug by Roxy Music

I owe you, Woody.

Yeah, like that makes me special.

Oh, I don't suppose I could borrow a 20?

Just to get some food.

Said the penniless idiot.

There's Coco.

One thing I must tell you - she doesn't know I'm broke.

A relationship built on lies and deceit.

It might actually have a chance.

Here he is again, my little honey monster! Give me some sugar.

Mm! Mmm mmm mmmm mmmm mmmm!

~ That's a lot of sugar. ~ Mmm mmm!

I'm getting toothache over here.

Oh, for me, baby? Thank you!

Hi. I'm Coco. Entertainments manager for the casino.

That was some entertainment.

You must be Woody.

Please, call me Woody.

Mr De Luca, the casino manager, is expecting you.

~ I'll take you over. ~ What about the honey monster?

I'm going to stick around here. You two go ahead.

No gambling, OK.

PHONE RINGS

~ Zorro? ~ Boss. ~ I'm not your boss, you're fired.

You rang to tell me that? I know that already, boss.

No, I'm not your boss, you are fired.

Yes, I feel like you're not moving on.

Look shut up a minute, will you.

I'm at the port, and I'm looking for the delivery you didn't deliver,

but no-one knows what I'm going on about.

Just tell me what is the Spanish for -

"Where is my delivery of pork scratchings?"

Um... have you got a pen?

I think you're going to want to take this down carefully. It's um...

Don't you see that you ain't no good...

Mr De Lucas, here is the friend of Mr Zorro, the investigator.

PHONE RINGS

One a moment. I need to take a this.

PHONE RINGS

No, honestly - not for me. I'm the designated driver.

That reminds me, Coco. The boot of my car needs hosing out.

I will see it gets done, Mr De Luca.

My golf clubs are on the back seat. The five iron needs a good rinse.

Yes, sir.

Your friend Mr Zorro has got himself in a bit of a situation.

Luckily for him I require the services of a private investigator for my own... situation.

Would it be fair to say you're both in a pickle?

~ You could say PEECKLE. ~ Not like that I can't.

I have discovered that somebody is stealing from the Casino Club Royale,

and that makes the Gamberos brothers extremely unhappy.

The Gamberos brothers? Are they the ones that did MMMBop?

~ The Gamberos brothers own this casino. ~ Oh, I see.

So they bought it with the money they earned from MMMBop.

If I do not find out who is stealing the money, I get the chop.

They tie the chop around my neck and throw me to the dogs.

Why not get the police involved?

This is a casino, Mr...

No last name. Just Woody.

This is a casino, Woody. I prefer discretion.

Discretion's my middle name.

It makes up for not having a last name.

Which technically makes it my last name, which I don't have.

But I think we covered that.

Maybe this is a mistake.

Maybe you don't want to help your friend.

Believe me, I'm the right man for the job.

Or don't believe me. It's up to you.

But I'm the right man for the job, believe me.

So... you in?

Mmm, let me think. It was Hanson that did MMMBop.

~ And yes, I'm in. ~ Good.

~ I'll need somewhere to change. ~ You can use the back room.

~ Where's that? ~ Out the back. ~ Clever.

Don't let me down, Woody.

Don't worry, Mr De Luca, I probably won't.

MUSIC: Word Up by Cameo

Yo pretty ladies around the world

Got a weird thing to show you So tell all the boys and girls

Tell your brother, your sister...

So glad you could make it, sweetie pie. You look divine.

So we're newlyweds - is that the story?

Heels over head in love, on honeymoon with money to burn.

~ Mm, I thought that burning smell was you, Woody. ~ No Woody. Hazim.

Sorry. Hazim.

So, you ready?

I am now.

Gamberos Casino. The largest and only casino on the island.

Someone on the inside is on the take.

It's our job to flush them out.

So keep your eyes peeled for any funny business.

And if you hear me say the code word Moussaka,

go to the unisex toilet and take your top off. Any questions?

Who's the penguin?

Pit Boss. He runs the casino floor.

~ Name? ~ Probably, most people have.

I think he likes me.

Yeah. He was winking at you. That's right.

And who's the shy retiring fellow out for the night

with his daughters?

~ That is Senor Big. ~ Who?

Novelty record producer. You know him.

One hit wonder, earned a bucket of cash from...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the one. Please don't sing it.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah banana sun, tequila fun...

Thanks. Now I'm going to have that in my head for the rest of the day.

~ Riding my banana...

~ Stop. Or I'm out of here.

Play nice. Or you won't feel the breeze of these.

~ Courtesy of the management. ~ Oh. How very courteous.

Calm down. They're only borrowed.

We have to give them back when this is over.

But for tonight, as the song goes, let's get fortunate.

Oh, yeah. Blow for me! Agh!

Hey!

MUSIC: Get Lucky by Daft Punk

And our cups to the stars

She's up all night till the sun

I'm up all night to get some

She's up all night for good fun

I'm up all night to get lucky

We're up all night to get lucky...

Oh, yeah!

Oh, man. I love this place. What just happened?

~ You lost 1,000 euros in two and a half minutes. ~ Amazing. What have we learned?

Great. We're really getting somewhere.

Buckle up, my small-eared friend. We're going back in.

The minimum bets are raised. A 100 euro minimum.

The dice are out.

OK, Joe. Let's flup shut the buffalo, put Big Red in the trouser press

and make him take the upsy minute chicken dinner.

Hit me with a seven!

In the hole.

~ 12. ~ Snake eyes.

~ Snake eyes is two. ~ Not if you have six snakes, then it's 12.

Look, six snakes, I win.

~ 12 loses. ~ Are you telling me how to play craps?

~ No, sir. ~ Well, could you? I have no idea how.

You should have rolled with one hand.

The dice have to hit the back wall.

A roll of two three or 12 is craps.

A come out roll of seven or 11 is a natural and a past line wins.

A player is bet on the various outcomes. This is Spain.

In America it's a different thing altogether.

One love

HE MOUTHS

One heart

Let's get together and feel all right

Hear the children crying

One love

Hear the children crying

One heart

Saying give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right

Say it - let's get together and feel all right...

Hazim? Hazim?

Hazim. Hazim!

Hazim!

Hazim, darling. You need to throw the dice.

Yes. I know that. That's how you play. Weren't you listening?

My serve. 15-40.

HE CHOKES

The dice... help!

Oh, no! My husband is choking! Give him room. He needs air.

I bet you'd never choke on dice.

I love men with strong airways.

Tell me, are you any good at breathing through your nose?

I certainly am.

Well, then, you're in luck.

I'm impressed. Where did you learn to use gaffer tape like that?

It's a long story. And if I told you, how do I know you'd keep quiet?

~ Well, you could always use gaffer tape. ~ That's a good point.

I got your message. What have you got for me?

~ Jackson! ~ We found him fiddling the dice on the crabs table.

Five billion trillion dollars I throw a double six.

~ How old are you? ~ 12.

I see.

The only question now is - who's he working for?

Oh, I think I can answer that.

Mr Jackson here is working for me.

~ Ah! ~ Shut up, Jackson.

Sorry, sir.

Mr De Luca, what is going on?

Wait, that's my line.

You don't get it, do you?

~ You know about the dice. ~ Bingo. ~ Oh, I'm pretty sure it was craps.

We bring out the special dice for the high rollers,

the honeymooners, stupid men trying to impress their stupid wives.

Hey! How dare you call me his wife.

~ So, you're single. ~ Shut up, Jackson.

~ Yeah, shut up, Jackson. ~ Yeah, shut up, Jackson.

Isn't what you're doing a tiny bit... uh, what's the word?

Totally illegal?

Oh, well, then, I bring it up with my bosses. No, wait, hang on.

Three of them are currently in jail for killing the last person

who brought it up with him.

~ I'm sorry I brought it up. ~ And guess what I just found out.

The other two are paying me a visit tonight.

If we don't find out who's ripping me off, I will have something ripped off you.

~ He means your legs. ~ Shut up, Jackson.

Yeah, shut up, Jackson.

Mr De Luca, if I'm going to find your thief, then I'm going to need

a job on the casino floor.

I'll make it happen.

Oh, and for the record, I was referring to your arms.

Ha, hear that Jackson. He's going to rip off my arms - not my legs. You lose!

High five.

Too slow.

'First day on the job, it's important to make a good impression.

'My impression was a 35-year-old Armenian woman called Kimmy.'

Place your bets. Place your bets, gentlemen, with their ladies.

And whatever you are, darling, I'm not judging you. Here we go.

Ready or not. No more bets.

Too late, Mr Slow Coaches Man. Get it away.

Get! Get!

Ba ba-ra ba-ra, ba ba-ra ba-ra, ba-ra

Ba-ra, baddle-ee-ah ba!

Red number 27.

Anyone? None of you.

You lot are rubbish, what are you thinking?

Black 11. Red 36.

Yes, go - go on think about what you're doing.

Unbelievable.

PHONE RINGS

~ Zorro? ~ Boss.

~ Zorro, you are fired. ~ Yes, I know.

Well, you're re-fired. Like re-fired beans.

OK, boss, if you say so. See you later, OK?

No, no, no - no! Wait, wait, wait.

Before you go, what is the Spanish for

"Can I buy you a drink to apologise for what I just said about your mum?"

Uh, have you got a pen?

Place your bets, gentlemen. Don't be shy. Come on, darling.

~ Change a 50? ~ Changes the 50. You're not meant to be gambling.

Woody! I knew it was you.

Honestly, though - my luck is changing. I can feel it.

I can see that.

~ The night is still young. ~ It's 11 o'clock in the morning.

They've got to get some clocks in here.

~ Hey, Mr Money Pants! ~ Ah.

I was thinking, why don't I get us some champagne for later to celebrate?

What are we celebrating?

~ We're celebrating having some champagne. ~ Ah, ha-ha!

~ That should cover it. Ciao, baby. ~ The...

How much money that you don't have have you given Coco?

It's not like that.

OK. It's a bit like that. But she's my girlfriend.

Come on, man. Forget about it.

What's with Senor Big and Coco Pops? Old friends?

Oh, Coco hates him. He used to be her manager. He treated her badly. Ooh.

~ Coco was a singer? ~ She said he ruined her career. Stitched her up.

She still owes him money on her contract.

Lucky she's got you now, Mr Money Pants.

There is no more money in my pants.

OK, then. Mr Pants. Better?

Worse.

You can change this, please?

Changing 5,000!

Changing five.

Place your bets, please, gentlemen.

Foxy lady! Senor Big, he can get a drink?

Rusty nails. Glass of Bitters and two cubes of ice.

I like a lady who knows what I like.

I like a man who likes a lady who knows what he likes.

I hope you're a man who likes a lady who likes a man who likes

a lady who knows what he likes.

I like that too. I like it a lot.

I think...

Can we play?

I think we already are, darling.

Ooh. Ooh, ooh!

Place your bets.

She bangs, she bangs

She moves, she moves

Me enloquece cuando baila

Camina, no puedo parar

Esa mujer me va a matar...

Would you like to bet, Senor Big?

What about you, darling - hmm?

'It seemed both men at the table were pushing their luck.

'Senor Big was definitely up to something fishy.

'And Zorro was nearly out of chips

'but I could see he had a hunch.

'Actually, the one thing Zorro WASN'T short of was hunches.'

Black 22.

'But you couldn't call him a loser.

'He left before I had the chance.'

Just you and me, Mr Lucky Lucky.

OK. Boom ba-di bing ba-di boom bang bang.

~ Ooh! ~ So Senor Big is feeling very lucky. Hey. Very big.

It's going to go on black 31.

Oh, my, darling, that is a big bet.

That's the way Senor Big like it. Boom, bang.

Ooh, well, you're in luck, darling.

Whoops-a-daisy!

Oh...

Ah-ha-ha! Bang!

Senor Big, he win big again.

Oh, my God, Mr Lucky-Lucky, come here, darling.

~ Oh, sweet-a-potatas. ~ Come here, darling.

~ Oh, yes. ~ Hot maracas.

Oh, my darling, yes.

Oh, God.

Oh!

You'd better have some news for me.

If I don't find that thief soon, you're looking at a dead man.

~ Right, OK. ~ And that dead man is looking at a dead man.

~ Yup, gotcha. ~ And the first of those dead men is

the dead man who is going to make the second of those dead a dead man.

You're losing me now. I mean, I understand what you're saying,

I'm just bored.

You had news?

I've sniffed around and the staff on your casino floor

are a useless bunch of halfwits, so it's none of them.

I know that. Tell me something I don't know.

Squirrels are carnivores.

~ I didn't know that. ~ Also, I've got a hunch

it's someone in your senior management.

~ Who? ~ I need some more time.

I don't have time. The Gamberos brothers arrive tonight.

Here's what we do - we organise a dinner for the Gamberos,

and their senior staff, then all we need is some entertainment to

distract them until I can work out who the thief is.

What entertainment?

So, you think you're going to...

To entertain us tonight,

would you welcome the illusionist extraordinaire,

the amazing Sigmund?

Boom! Kick!

I am amongst you.

Let magic rain.

Yes! Uh-oh.

Excuse me, Madam, what's this in your ear?

It's silver earwax.

It's a kind of magic.

Good evening,

I am the amazing Sigmund of Sigmund and Robin, RIP,

fourth highest grossing illusion act

in the PortAventura 1998 summer season,

and that was one hell of a season.

But wait!

The pigeon has disappeared.

Thank you.

Mr and Mr Gamberos,

can I just say? It's a real pleasure to have you with us.

How were your journeys?

Terrific. What this night needs is some magic.

Uh-oh. What's this in your other ear?

It's...

more silver earwax.

Remember, it's all an illusion.

What is it?

An illusion.

That's close enough.

And now, a trick of the cards...

You, sir, take this pack,

pick a card, any card and write your name on it.

Then pass the pack around the room.

Everyone, pick a card, and write your name on it.

Remember, it's all an illusion,

but it will blow, blow, blow

your minds, minds,

minds, minds, minds,

minds, minds...

Bl-bl-blow your minds,

your minds, your minds...

What about this one? Is this your card?

~ No. ~ Correct.

~ This one? ~ No.

Correct. This one?

~ No. ~ Correct.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we illusionists call

the art of misdirection.

I am making you believe that I do not know which one is

Phillipe's card,

and just at the point you are losing faith in me, I say to you...

Is this your card?

~ No. ~ Correct!

But tonight, while you have been focusing on the cards

the real magic is happening somewhere else.

I ask you all to follow me.

Come, let me blow your minds, minds,

minds, minds...

I'm going to blow your mind if you don't solve this.

Do you know who the thief is?

Be patient.

All is about to be revealed.

Ha!

Boom! Kick! I am amongst you.

Why do I care? Who are you?

I am the entertainer Sigmund of Sigmund and Robin, RIP,

and I can reveal to you all that Senor Big here is about to

make the casino's money disappear.

Someone from this casino has been tipping him off

with information about rigged tables.

~ Boom! ~ What?

What?

Here's the deal, Senor Big, you tell me who's tipping you off,

you walk away.

Never. Senor Big will reveal nothing.

This is between me and her.

Her?

Damn.

~ No. ~ Coco.

Coco? No.

~ Although thinking about it, possibly, yes. ~ Zorro!

Everyone knows you owe Senor Big money

after you walked out on his contract.

You thought you could use the casino to pay him back.

That is not true.

That is all true. She come up with the whole scheme.

Tell them about the napkins you get delivered with your drinks.

All from Coco.

The first napkin is telling me that her scheme

is payback for the money that she we me,

and all the other napkins, they tell me which tables are rigged,

and when I should play them.

Get out of my casino.

Ahem.

Their casino, and give me back my money.

Ahem.

Their money.

Senor Big is not happy that you ruined this for him, magic man.

Well, tell Senor Big that referring to himself in

the third person is the first sign of madness.

I will tell Senor Big to tell him.

Coco, time to go for a little walk.

No, I'm innocent. Zorro, please, baby, help me.

Wait!

I may have only known Coco for two or... five or...

I don't know, 40 hours.

But in that time, I have grown to trust her.

Except with money.

This woman has been systemically draining me of cash.

Sorry, this isn't going very well. Can I start from the beginning?

Before you do, I have one more trick to perform.

Earlier on, I asked you all to write your names on a playing card.

Mr De Luca, is this your card?

Of course it is. It's got my name on it.

Beautiful handwriting,

which exactly matches the writing on Senor Big's napkins.

It's you, Mr De Luca, who's been ripping off the casino

all along and trying to pin it on Coco.

Ta-da!

As they say, or as I say...

Boom! Kick!

You can stop doing the voice now, Woody.

Oh, yeah. Don't move a muscle.

GUN CLICKS

Is that what I think it is?

Depends if you think it's two psychotic casino owners

pointing guns at you. I'll give you a little clue. It is.

I'll take that.

Mr and Mr Gamberos might want to enquire - where were you?

I think it's time we all took a little walk.

~ Oh, shut up, Jackson. ~ Yeah, shut up, Jackson.

Yeah, shut up, Jackson.

I mean, really, there is no need...

MUSIC: Love Is The Drug by Roxy Music

Oh, oh

Love is

Love is the drug.

So, no way back for you and Coco?

It's over.

She said she couldn't be with

somebody who didn't profoundly and utterly trust her motives.

~ She found out you were skint. ~ Yeah.

Look on the bright side - girlfriends are overrated,

knees are essential.

Or is that the other way round?

Relax, everyone.

I have the pork scratchings.

New Zorro! Bloody Mary.

Well, well, well, if it ain't old Zorro.

You are barred, old Zorro.

Please, boss, give me one more chance.

Me and new Zorro are doing fine, thank you very much.

Oi, one lager and lime.

Yeah, absolutely fine.

I mean, it's not even a lime.

Rules is rules, old son. You need to go.

I'll get my things.

~ Where's my drink, new Zorro? ~ Can't do you one.

~ Why is that? ~ We've run out of lemons,

and lager...

and vinegar.

I don't want one of them, I asked you for a Bloody Mary.

Oh, that was you?

I done that yesterday.

Here.

What is that?

Boss, as a goodbye present, I made you this.

Yum-yum.

Stop right there, old Zorro.

You are going nowhere.

Yes, boss. Thank you, boss.

In my country we have a saying that...

Yeah, yeah, sounds amazing. Write it down.

Welcome back, new Zorro.

I thought I was new Zorro?

No, you are new old Zorro.

~ Eh? ~ I think that means you're fired.

This always happens to me.

What is that horrible noise?

It's my voice.

No, not that. That.

That's Senor Big - Banana Sun Tequila Fun. I love this song.

I hate this place.

I love this bass.

Have you ever met Sheila?

She likes a cold tequila

Have you ever met Anna? She rides my hard banana

Have you ever met Honey? She gets hot when it's sunny

And then she goes, "Honey" When I squirt cream on her tummy

Ooh

Ooh

Ah

Oh, oh, oh, oh Banana, sun, tequila, fun

Oh, oh, oh, oh Banana, sun, tequila, fun

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Banana, sun, tequila, fun

Oh, oh, oh, oh

~ Banana, sun, tequila, fun ~ Riding my banana

Riding my banana

~ Riding my banana ~ Oh, oh, oh, oh

~ Banana, sun, tequila, fun ~ Riding my banana

Oh, oh, oh, oh

~ Banana, sun, tequila, fun ~ Riding my banana

Oh, oh, oh, oh

~ Banana, sun, tequila, fun ~ Riding my banana.

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