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1
00:00:02,260 --> 00:00:03,890
You know the old saying,
2
00:00:03,940 --> 00:00:06,010
"There's no time like the present"?
3
00:00:06,060 --> 00:00:10,890
Well, what better present to get
yourself a share of than... what?
4
00:00:10,940 --> 00:00:12,570
~ Paul?
~ Time?
5
00:00:12,620 --> 00:00:14,410
Time-share, exactly!
6
00:00:14,460 --> 00:00:15,770
You catch on quick, Paul.
7
00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:17,690
~ You're a very lucky lady, Jan.
~ Jen.
8
00:00:17,740 --> 00:00:18,850
Whatever.
9
00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:20,850
Los Vanos Apartment Paradise,
10
00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:23,530
the single best property
investment you can make,
11
00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:25,410
~ no question.
~ I have question.
12
00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:26,690
Yes, of course. Mr...?
13
00:00:26,740 --> 00:00:28,250
No Mr - Sheikh.
14
00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:29,650
Sheikh!
15
00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:31,450
Sheikh Ratt-el Enrol.
16
00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:34,050
What if I take them all...?
For whole year?
17
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:36,040
~ Is possible, yes?
~ Oh!
18
00:00:36,580 --> 00:00:37,730
Sorry, Paul.
19
00:00:37,780 --> 00:00:40,050
You snooze, you don't win.
20
00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:42,210
Now, you take a cheque?
21
00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:45,210
Ah, no cheques left,
I spend so much money.
22
00:00:45,260 --> 00:00:50,090
Lamborghini, Lamborghini, jewels,
Pizza Hut, Lamborghini.
23
00:00:50,140 --> 00:00:53,050
You take cash or jewels, Mr...?
24
00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:55,970
~ Todd.
~ Ah, beautiful name. Mr Todd.
25
00:00:56,020 --> 00:00:58,850
I put you in contact with my contact
who will put you in contact
26
00:00:58,900 --> 00:01:01,250
~ with his contact, yes?
~ Well, of course, Sheikh.
27
00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:03,210
SCOTTISH ACCENT: No,
laddie, no Sheikh.
28
00:01:03,260 --> 00:01:06,330
John J Johnson, regional vermin
exterminator for the region
29
00:01:06,380 --> 00:01:07,850
and the surrounding regions.
30
00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:10,410
I just didn't want to embarrass
you in front of Paul and Jane.
31
00:01:10,460 --> 00:01:12,890
~ Sorry, vermin?
~ Aye, vermin.
32
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:15,250
You, sir, are up to your ears
in earwigs, ticks, fleas,
33
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:17,810
parasites, pigeons, rats,
mice, lice, voles, polecats,
34
00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:19,930
bed bugs and... did
I mention cockroaches?
35
00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:22,290
~ Sorry, who called you in?
~ And thank God they did.
36
00:01:22,340 --> 00:01:24,690
I'm putting you into shutdown,
effective immediately.
37
00:01:24,740 --> 00:01:26,930
~ You haven't got the authority.
~ No, but I have.
38
00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:28,610
I want to speak to your superior.
39
00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:30,490
No need to thank me.
You need to leave now.
40
00:01:30,540 --> 00:01:32,330
I'll stay on site for
as long as it takes.
41
00:01:32,380 --> 00:01:33,730
Toss me the keys, laddie.
42
00:01:33,780 --> 00:01:35,810
If there's one thing
cockroaches can't stand,
43
00:01:35,860 --> 00:01:37,930
it's the sound of a
multispeed Jacuzzi.
44
00:01:37,980 --> 00:01:39,770
Now go. I'll call you in a week.
45
00:01:39,820 --> 00:01:44,370
~ But you haven't got my number.
~ No, but I have.
46
00:01:44,420 --> 00:01:46,610
MUSIC: Stone Cold Sober
by Paloma Faith
47
00:01:46,660 --> 00:01:48,330
I can be wilder than the wind
48
00:01:48,380 --> 00:01:50,570
119 miles an hour
49
00:01:50,620 --> 00:01:52,850
I'm in a whole other dimension
50
00:01:52,900 --> 00:01:55,170
Dancing doubles on the floor
51
00:01:55,220 --> 00:01:56,450
You think I'm crazy
52
00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:57,730
A little bit hazy
53
00:01:57,780 --> 00:01:59,610
But I'm stone-cold
54
00:01:59,660 --> 00:02:01,930
I can be wilder than the wind
55
00:02:01,980 --> 00:02:04,410
119 miles an hour
56
00:02:04,460 --> 00:02:06,490
I'm in a whole other dimension
57
00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:08,730
Dancing doubles on the floor
58
00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:09,930
You think I'm crazy
59
00:02:09,980 --> 00:02:11,330
A little bit hazy
60
00:02:11,380 --> 00:02:12,570
But I'm stone
61
00:02:12,620 --> 00:02:14,220
Cold.
62
00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:18,240
SEAGULLS CALL
63
00:02:19,860 --> 00:02:21,850
Brutus, big news.
64
00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:23,370
I've found somewhere else to stay.
65
00:02:23,420 --> 00:02:25,890
You can have your desolate fish
shed nightmare thing back.
66
00:02:25,940 --> 00:02:28,250
Don't say you're talking about
my beautiful beach hut.
67
00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:31,170
That's what I said. Your beautiful,
stinking beach hut apocalypse,
68
00:02:31,220 --> 00:02:33,610
travesty,
dead-seagulls-on-the-bed nightmare thing.
69
00:02:33,660 --> 00:02:36,450
~ Never become an estate agent!
~ I'm moving out. No need to thank me.
70
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:37,690
You don't have to say a thing.
71
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,410
~ Zorro, Bloody Mary.
~ Thanks, B. Not too spicy.
72
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:43,650
It is not for you, you
plum. Zorro, spicy.
73
00:02:43,700 --> 00:02:46,090
Spicy, no spicy, spicy, no spicy.
74
00:02:46,140 --> 00:02:48,570
It's like... I don't know,
come on, man, forget about it.
75
00:02:48,620 --> 00:02:50,610
Sorry, Woods, no dinero, no drinko.
76
00:02:50,660 --> 00:02:52,050
Come on, B, I'm skint.
77
00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:53,970
Maybe you could advance
me a month's wages.
78
00:02:54,020 --> 00:02:55,250
You don't work for me.
79
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,210
~ OK, a month of his wages.
~ Look...
80
00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:59,650
I'll help you out in the
empty pocket department.
81
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:00,930
I've got you a job.
82
00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:02,930
You're the best. No,
wait, I forgot about me.
83
00:03:02,980 --> 00:03:04,250
You're the second best.
84
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:05,650
Do you want the job or don't ya?
85
00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:07,450
All you got to do is
deliver an antique.
86
00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:09,610
I'm not interested.
Who's it for, anyway?
87
00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:11,860
She's in the members' lounge.
88
00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:15,490
Like I said, I'm interested.
89
00:03:15,540 --> 00:03:17,250
There's a surprise. Her name's Maria.
90
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:18,370
That's not a surprise.
91
00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:20,490
It would've been a surprise
if her name was Kevin.
92
00:03:20,540 --> 00:03:22,010
Will you turn it off for one minute?
93
00:03:22,060 --> 00:03:23,410
She's from a courier company.
94
00:03:23,460 --> 00:03:24,770
One of her guys has let her down,
95
00:03:24,820 --> 00:03:27,090
she's looking for someone
to step in - short notice.
96
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:31,140
~ She said she wants to hire
someone who's a bit of muscle. ~ Mm...
97
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,970
Yeah, that'll do it.
98
00:03:40,940 --> 00:03:42,530
ITALIAN ACCENT: Hello, lady.
99
00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:45,370
My friend, he say you looking
the man with the muscle.
100
00:03:45,420 --> 00:03:47,250
Yes, I am. Do you know someone?
101
00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:48,370
Ah!
102
00:03:48,420 --> 00:03:49,650
He's me.
103
00:03:49,700 --> 00:03:50,770
Really?
104
00:03:50,820 --> 00:03:53,130
I'm a wise-a guy. I'm-a from Sicily.
105
00:03:53,180 --> 00:03:54,610
My family, they're...
106
00:03:54,660 --> 00:03:56,250
HE BEGINS TO CHOKE
107
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:57,860
They are...
108
00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:00,890
Sorry, could you just...?
109
00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:04,010
TOOTHPICK RATTLES ON TABLE
110
00:04:04,060 --> 00:04:05,170
HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH
111
00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:06,970
~ I'm Maria.
~ Woody.
112
00:04:07,020 --> 00:04:09,090
Not very Sicilian.
113
00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:10,810
Is-a short-a for Gino.
114
00:04:10,860 --> 00:04:13,130
Really? Which part of
Sicily are you from?
115
00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:14,930
Little village, you wouldn't know it.
116
00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:16,130
Try me.
117
00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:17,650
Ginelli.
118
00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:20,010
You're Gino from Ginelli?
119
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,450
Si...
120
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:24,250
My great grandfather, he
invented the ice cream.
121
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,970
But enough about him.
Let's talk about me.
122
00:04:27,020 --> 00:04:29,130
I am here, I am the muscle
123
00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:30,890
and I can-a do-a your job.
124
00:04:30,940 --> 00:04:33,130
OK, Gino, the job's yours.
125
00:04:33,180 --> 00:04:34,610
Magnifico.
126
00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:37,770
I need you to deliver an antique
to one of the islands.
127
00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:39,450
Here are tickets for the ferry.
128
00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:40,930
You'll be met at the port.
129
00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:42,690
Come straight back
on the return trip.
130
00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:44,050
And then, of course...
131
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:45,290
the dinner.
132
00:04:45,340 --> 00:04:47,290
Why not, you can come to mine.
133
00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:50,530
I know a lovely recipe
for toothpicks.
134
00:04:50,580 --> 00:04:52,100
DEEP LAUGH
135
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,530
You're like-a me.
136
00:04:54,580 --> 00:04:56,330
A bella with a sense of humour.
137
00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:57,850
Except I am not a bella,
138
00:04:57,900 --> 00:04:59,410
I am a fella.
139
00:04:59,460 --> 00:05:01,210
One hell of a fella.
140
00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:04,200
Can you not feel something
passing between us?
141
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,290
~ A urn?
~ Yes.
142
00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:10,170
Please have a bit of respect.
143
00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:12,610
Don't worry. Is-a safe-a with me.
144
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:14,370
In Sicily, we have a saying.
145
00:05:14,420 --> 00:05:16,650
"You earn the respect
146
00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:19,040
"or you learn you earn a turn...
147
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:21,570
".. in the urn."
148
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:25,050
It sounds better in Italian.
149
00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:28,050
This job's important to me,
Gino. Don't muck it up.
150
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:29,890
You can rely on me.
151
00:05:29,940 --> 00:05:32,570
As-a my great-a
grandfather once said,
152
00:05:32,620 --> 00:05:34,370
"One scoop or two?"
153
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:35,930
He's not really Vantia,
154
00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:37,980
but he was a wise-a man.
155
00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:43,290
Zorro, where's my Bloody Mary?
156
00:05:43,340 --> 00:05:46,010
Just looking for some celery.
157
00:05:46,060 --> 00:05:48,130
And where are my sausages? Lorenza?
158
00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:49,570
GRUFFLY: Si!
159
00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:51,050
Blimey, how do you do that?
160
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:54,900
Lorenza, have you
cook-ed my sausages?
161
00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:57,770
SHE CACKLES
162
00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:02,090
She says they be ready
in five minutes.
163
00:06:02,140 --> 00:06:05,250
Another close call for
Employee Of The Month(!)
164
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,500
But I think we have a winner.
165
00:06:09,460 --> 00:06:11,210
Yum, yum.
166
00:06:11,260 --> 00:06:12,490
All right, Bev? Usual?
167
00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,090
Yes, please, Brutus.
168
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:15,530
Brutus.
169
00:06:15,580 --> 00:06:17,090
SCREAMING: Brutus!
170
00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:18,850
No, no, Brutus is dead.
171
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,010
I'm his cousin... of someone else.
172
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:22,610
You monster!
173
00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:24,850
Beverly, calm down, let me explain!
174
00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:26,770
'Let me explain.
175
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,970
'This is my ex-wife, Beverly.
176
00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:32,330
'Long story short, we got
divorced, I faked my own death,
177
00:06:32,380 --> 00:06:35,370
'ran off with her dough and
started a new life out here.
178
00:06:35,420 --> 00:06:38,460
'I'd tell you more, but I'm a bit
busy with a customer right now.'
179
00:06:40,140 --> 00:06:42,130
You little snake!
180
00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:44,210
I knew you were too
vain to top yourself.
181
00:06:44,260 --> 00:06:46,530
~ I'm going to kill you.
~ I can explain. ~ OK.
182
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:48,490
~ What?
~ Go on, then!
183
00:06:48,540 --> 00:06:51,090
Ah, weren't expecting you to
let me. I can't really explain.
184
00:06:51,140 --> 00:06:52,930
No, I'm just lucky that
I never loved you.
185
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:56,370
It's going to make it all the sweeter when
I take you for everything you've got.
186
00:06:56,420 --> 00:06:59,250
Listen, Beverly, whatever we
were or whatever we weren't,
187
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:01,650
we were definitely in love.
188
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:03,370
Yes, it was intense.
189
00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:04,570
Yes, it was torrid.
190
00:07:04,620 --> 00:07:07,010
It was argumentative.
YOU were argumentative.
191
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,410
You were argumentative.
192
00:07:08,460 --> 00:07:10,610
YOU were argumentative.
It was torrid.
193
00:07:10,660 --> 00:07:11,690
You said that already.
194
00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:14,690
Yes, cos it weren't half torrid, I
still can't straighten me left knee.
195
00:07:14,740 --> 00:07:17,010
Well, that was your fault
for not warming up properly.
196
00:07:17,060 --> 00:07:18,530
It's no-one's fault,
197
00:07:18,580 --> 00:07:21,570
whatever went wrong or whatever
happened between us.
198
00:07:21,620 --> 00:07:23,340
It was love.
199
00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:27,890
~ You finished?
~ Mm-hm.
200
00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:29,290
I'm still having the bar.
201
00:07:29,340 --> 00:07:32,490
I was hoping you'd forgot about that
when I was doing my bit about the love.
202
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:33,850
I'm going to call my lawyer,
203
00:07:33,900 --> 00:07:35,970
THEN I am coming back for the keys.
204
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:37,530
Ooooh!
205
00:07:37,580 --> 00:07:39,010
Bar Beverly!
206
00:07:39,060 --> 00:07:41,050
No, I've got it...
207
00:07:41,100 --> 00:07:42,330
Bar...
208
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:43,780
FOR SALE!
209
00:07:45,980 --> 00:07:49,780
It's times like these I wish I'd
taken the coward's way out...
210
00:07:50,060 --> 00:07:52,260
.. and stayed married to ya.
211
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,100
It's my ex-wife.
212
00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:05,050
'Out on the open sea.
213
00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:08,610
'It's days like these I realise I've
got the best job in the world.
214
00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:11,170
'There really is no better
place on the planet
215
00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:13,360
'to be an urn delivery man.
216
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:16,490
'There's always one
idiot who spoils it.
217
00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:18,810
'To be fair, it's usually me.'
218
00:08:23,660 --> 00:08:24,730
Hey!
219
00:08:24,780 --> 00:08:26,010
What do the police want?
220
00:08:26,060 --> 00:08:28,410
They said they have information
that someone on the boat
221
00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:30,730
~ is smuggling drugs.
~ Oh, right.
222
00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:33,840
HE GULPS
223
00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:54,530
Disculpe, senor.
224
00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:57,170
Oh, thank goodness you're here,
officers. They went that way.
225
00:08:57,220 --> 00:08:58,890
~ Who did?
~ You know, the men.
226
00:08:58,940 --> 00:08:59,970
Men?
227
00:09:00,020 --> 00:09:02,690
The nasty men. They tried
to give drugs to my baby.
228
00:09:02,740 --> 00:09:05,170
~ Which way did they go?
~ They went that way.
229
00:09:05,220 --> 00:09:06,690
No wait, that way.
230
00:09:06,740 --> 00:09:09,610
Right to the other end
of the boat. My baby!
231
00:09:10,860 --> 00:09:12,410
Hold your breath, Junior.
232
00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:15,250
MUSIC: How You Like
Me Now? by The Heavy
233
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,240
How you like me now?
234
00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:19,720
How you like me now?
235
00:09:20,220 --> 00:09:22,160
How you like me now?
236
00:09:22,260 --> 00:09:25,100
How you like me now?
237
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,460
Yeah!
238
00:09:29,740 --> 00:09:31,210
Oh, yeah!
239
00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:34,740
Oh, yeah, I said
240
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:37,570
Oh, yeah!
241
00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:39,970
Hey!
242
00:09:40,020 --> 00:09:41,490
Oh, yeah!
243
00:09:42,180 --> 00:09:43,900
Oh, yeah!
244
00:09:49,260 --> 00:09:50,610
So how'd it go?
245
00:09:50,660 --> 00:09:51,690
Fine.
246
00:09:51,740 --> 00:09:53,810
Right up until the point
I had to jump off the ferry
247
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,730
to be rescued by a hen
party on a giant banana.
248
00:09:55,780 --> 00:09:58,090
~ Sounds pretty good.
~ Yeah, it was pretty good.
249
00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:01,250
You look like you could do
with a Jaeger-tini. Dive in.
250
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:02,810
Here you go, my son.
251
00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:04,450
Get your laughing gear around that.
252
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:05,890
Not for breakfast, thanks.
253
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:08,250
Oh, well. Your loss.
So what happened?
254
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,810
Mrs Priceless Antique
sent me out to sea
255
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,340
with this.
256
00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:19,130
Wow! This is GOOD stuff.
257
00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:20,930
None of that Spanish rubbish.
258
00:10:20,980 --> 00:10:22,250
What are you doing?
259
00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:23,770
It's talcum powder.
260
00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:25,690
No Yardley Gentleman,
but it does the job.
261
00:10:25,740 --> 00:10:27,330
Hang on, what's going on?
262
00:10:27,380 --> 00:10:29,290
I ask myself that every ten minutes.
263
00:10:29,340 --> 00:10:31,770
She must've been using me to
test a possible drug route.
264
00:10:31,820 --> 00:10:33,010
~ Clever.
~ Pretty, too.
265
00:10:33,060 --> 00:10:34,930
~ I actually meant you, Woody.
~ So did I.
266
00:10:34,980 --> 00:10:36,970
Come on, B, we need
to track her down.
267
00:10:37,020 --> 00:10:38,610
Sorry, son. No can do.
268
00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:40,450
Got me own trouble and
strife to deal with.
269
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:42,170
My ex-missus has just found me.
270
00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:44,450
I didn't know you got
married or divorced.
271
00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:46,530
Congratulations and congratulations.
272
00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:47,850
Met her after I left the paper.
273
00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:50,490
When we got divorced, she tried
to take me for everything I got.
274
00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:51,690
So you got a good lawyer.
275
00:10:51,740 --> 00:10:53,690
~ So I faked my own death.
~ That was my next guess.
276
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,890
I left a suicide note,
done a bunk over here.
277
00:10:55,940 --> 00:10:57,930
Of course, what could
possibly go wrong?
278
00:10:57,980 --> 00:11:00,530
~ She walked into the bar
a couple of hours ago. ~ Apart from that.
279
00:11:00,580 --> 00:11:03,050
She's going to take me
for everything I have got.
280
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:04,250
Relax!
281
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:06,570
~ It's obvious what you need to do.
~ What?
282
00:11:06,620 --> 00:11:07,970
You need to fake your own death.
283
00:11:08,020 --> 00:11:09,650
Hello, have you been listening?
284
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:12,810
You need to do it again, but this
time, you need to do it properly.
285
00:11:12,860 --> 00:11:15,980
She needs to see you drop
dead right in front of her.
286
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,130
She would love that.
287
00:11:24,380 --> 00:11:26,450
'While Brutus devised his demise,
288
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,490
'I had to solve a problem like Maria.
289
00:11:28,540 --> 00:11:30,370
'My only link to her was an urn,
290
00:11:30,420 --> 00:11:32,770
'so I planned to visit
the local funeral home.
291
00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:35,450
'But first I thought I
could do with some help.'
292
00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:36,970
No, of course not.
293
00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:39,250
Come on, Melody. One
grifter to another?
294
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,090
One grifter to a former grifter,
295
00:11:41,140 --> 00:11:43,330
now wife of a disgraced
billionaire septuagenarian
296
00:11:43,380 --> 00:11:44,930
with an annoyingly innate ability
297
00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:46,730
to not let on where
his money's stashed.
298
00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:48,130
Like it, much snappier.
299
00:11:48,180 --> 00:11:50,490
There is nothing in this whole
world that you could say
300
00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:52,050
that's going to make me get off
301
00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:55,130
~ this overly cushioned luxury
sofa on this 120-foot super yacht. ~ OK.
302
00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:56,920
You asked for it.
303
00:11:57,660 --> 00:11:59,610
You spend every day of
your life sitting here,
304
00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:02,210
playing the long game, hoping
your pension-poacher husband
305
00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:05,250
might finally let slip where he's
hiding all his dirty, filthy money.
306
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:06,770
And it's driving you crazy.
307
00:12:06,820 --> 00:12:09,370
What you need is a
distraction. A plaything.
308
00:12:09,420 --> 00:12:11,850
Something to waste a bit
of time. And guess what?
309
00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:14,050
I'm that distraction.
I'm that plaything.
310
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:17,800
I'm that waste of time in your
otherwise joyless existence.
311
00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:20,930
Well, that was surprisingly
astute for an idiot.
312
00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:22,290
Thank you. And how dare you!
313
00:12:22,340 --> 00:12:23,770
So you're in?
314
00:12:23,820 --> 00:12:26,130
~ I'm in.
~ Great. It's a date.
315
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:27,570
It is not a date.
316
00:12:27,620 --> 00:12:29,850
OK, so let's call it a
not-date. But you're in?
317
00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:31,370
I'm in.
318
00:12:31,420 --> 00:12:33,220
Great. It's a date.
319
00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:44,530
First of all, can I offer my deepest
condolences, Mr and Mrs...?
320
00:12:44,580 --> 00:12:46,970
HEAVY ACCENT: Tickler, Bud Tickler.
321
00:12:47,020 --> 00:12:49,330
And this is my beautiful wife.
322
00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:52,330
Nicola. Nicola Tickler.
323
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:55,050
Well, can I say how sorry
I am for your loss?
324
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,170
And how are you related
to the deceased?
325
00:12:57,220 --> 00:12:58,450
He was our...
326
00:12:58,500 --> 00:13:00,210
~ TOGETHER: .. daddy.
~ Grandpa.
327
00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:02,770
My daddy... my wife's grandpa.
328
00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:05,130
Our family tree looks like
it was hit by a lorry.
329
00:13:05,180 --> 00:13:07,770
It's like we've lost two
members of the family.
330
00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:09,370
Well, it is a difficult time,
331
00:13:09,420 --> 00:13:12,730
but rest assured that we're here
to make things easier for you.
332
00:13:12,780 --> 00:13:14,890
We have some terrific coffins.
333
00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:17,250
Thank you. We appreciate it. Mr...?
334
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:19,690
Spencer, but please call me Colin.
335
00:13:19,740 --> 00:13:22,290
You are the Spencer
of Spencer & Spencer?
336
00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:25,410
Actually, I'm the "and Spencer"
of Spencer & Spencer.
337
00:13:25,460 --> 00:13:28,170
My brother was the Spencer
of Spencer & Spencer,
338
00:13:28,220 --> 00:13:30,530
but recently he passed away.
339
00:13:30,580 --> 00:13:32,250
Oh, I'm sorry for your loss.
340
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:35,130
Oh, thank you. And I'm
sorry for your loss.
341
00:13:35,180 --> 00:13:37,210
Thank you, and I'm
sorry for your loss.
342
00:13:37,260 --> 00:13:39,650
Thank you, and I'm
sorry for your loss.
343
00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:42,330
~ Thank you, and I'm sorry for...
~ Yes, we know.
344
00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:44,970
So it must be difficult running
a business on your own.
345
00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:47,370
Well, actually, my brother
left his side of the business
346
00:13:47,420 --> 00:13:49,010
to his daughter.
347
00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:50,650
Oh, well, that must be a comfort.
348
00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:53,330
~ Not so much.
~ I'd like to meet her.
349
00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:57,250
You know, if she's to be involved
in Daddy Grandpa's funeral.
350
00:13:57,300 --> 00:14:00,250
Well... at some point, maybe...
351
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:02,850
but now let's talk coffins.
352
00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:04,490
Let's talk urns.
353
00:14:04,540 --> 00:14:06,650
Well, what we'd like
to do here, Mr Tickler,
354
00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:08,650
is to talk through the
coffin options first.
355
00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:10,090
They really are lovely.
356
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:12,170
And then move on to the urn options.
357
00:14:12,220 --> 00:14:13,730
Or...
358
00:14:13,780 --> 00:14:15,530
we could start with the urn options
359
00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:17,650
and then move on to
the coffin options.
360
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:19,440
OK, we'll do that.
361
00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:23,210
But let's just have a quick
look at the coffin options.
362
00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:25,010
LOUD THUD
363
00:14:25,060 --> 00:14:27,400
Oh, my, that's a lot of options.
364
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,810
BECOMING EMOTIONAL:
It's just too much.
365
00:14:30,860 --> 00:14:32,810
I just need a moment. HE SNIFFS
366
00:14:32,860 --> 00:14:34,410
Do carry on.
367
00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:36,660
Nicola knows his wishes.
368
00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:41,900
WAILING: I love you, Daddy Grandpa!
369
00:14:43,620 --> 00:14:47,490
Have you thought about getting
him some professional help?
370
00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:48,770
Yes.
371
00:14:48,820 --> 00:14:51,820
~ So have you got anything in walnut?
~ Oh, have I!
372
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:10,490
Sh!
373
00:15:10,540 --> 00:15:12,140
Keep a lookout.
374
00:15:18,180 --> 00:15:19,820
Bingo.
375
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:30,890
You know what?
376
00:15:30,940 --> 00:15:32,090
I've missed this.
377
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:33,610
So... what now?
378
00:15:33,660 --> 00:15:36,130
Got it. We get drunk
and go to the cinema.
379
00:15:36,180 --> 00:15:38,170
No, you're right, we'll
do that tomorrow.
380
00:15:38,220 --> 00:15:40,970
For now, I wouldn't mind having
a word with this niece of Colin's.
381
00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:43,570
All right, so we sit tight and
wait for the niece to show.
382
00:15:43,620 --> 00:15:45,450
Stakeout, yay.
383
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,650
Don was off getting his blood
changed or something,
384
00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:49,290
so we got plenty of time.
385
00:15:49,340 --> 00:15:51,090
Time. What's the time?
386
00:15:51,140 --> 00:15:52,370
Why?
387
00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:54,770
I've got to get back to the
bar to pronounce Brutus dead.
388
00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:57,130
~ You what?
~ I'm late.
389
00:15:57,180 --> 00:15:59,380
You stay here. Stakeout, yay.
390
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:03,500
You are kidding me.
391
00:16:06,220 --> 00:16:08,410
I'm here, I'm here.
392
00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:10,690
About time. Right, let's do this.
393
00:16:10,740 --> 00:16:13,610
Zorro, are you sure Lorenza
knows the plan?
394
00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:15,810
HE WHISPERS IN SPANISH
395
00:16:15,860 --> 00:16:17,410
SHE GROWLS
396
00:16:17,460 --> 00:16:18,890
She understands.
397
00:16:18,940 --> 00:16:20,090
Right.
398
00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:22,540
Here's how it's going to go down.
399
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,240
'I'm meeting Beverly at Tipples.
400
00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:29,380
'I'll get her an apple martini...
401
00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:35,080
'.. soften her up with some stories
of the good old days...
402
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:45,290
'Lorenza, you come strolling by
with a nice, fat-looking handbag
403
00:16:45,340 --> 00:16:47,690
'under your arm like you ain't
got a care in the world.
404
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:50,050
'Woody, you're disguised
as a doctor on holiday.
405
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:52,370
'Keep it simple, nothing fancy.
406
00:16:56,020 --> 00:16:59,290
'Zorro, you leap out of the bushes,
grab Lorenza's handbag,
407
00:16:59,340 --> 00:17:02,340
'have a bit of a grapple,
and that'll be my cue.
408
00:17:03,180 --> 00:17:06,260
'I'm going to play the hero
and get stuck in with Zorro.
409
00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:11,050
'Your job, Zorro, is to lay me out.
410
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,730
'Don't worry, I can take a punch -
411
00:17:12,780 --> 00:17:14,720
'I was married to Bev.
412
00:17:18,980 --> 00:17:21,570
'I'll make out I'm having a coronary.
413
00:17:21,620 --> 00:17:23,450
'Then, Woodster, it's over to you.
414
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,850
'Your job is to pronounce
me brown bread.
415
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:28,010
'And don't forget your opening line.'
416
00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:29,490
Let me through, I'm a doctor.
417
00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:32,330
~ Let me through, I'm a better doctor.
~ I've got this one. Stay with me.
418
00:17:32,380 --> 00:17:34,770
~ I want you to take some slow breaths.
~ Stand aside!
419
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:36,650
My name is Dr Swami Wami
and I am a doctor.
420
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:37,770
I think we're losing him.
421
00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:39,250
Step aside, let him get some air.
422
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,490
~ He has no more need of air.
~ No, give him some air!
423
00:17:41,540 --> 00:17:43,690
You people, don't gawp at
a man who's clearly dying.
424
00:17:43,740 --> 00:17:44,890
Are you sick in your heads?
425
00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:46,970
He's not dying. I've got a pulse.
426
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:48,330
It's a little bit erratic.
427
00:17:48,380 --> 00:17:50,570
~ He's not well, but he's going to make it.
~ Leave it!
428
00:17:50,620 --> 00:17:52,290
You've tried your best. He's dead.
429
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:53,490
Don't blame yourself.
430
00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,570
~ He's fine.
~ Such a waste.
431
00:17:55,620 --> 00:17:57,410
He had two or three good
months left in him.
432
00:17:57,460 --> 00:17:58,930
Curses.
433
00:17:58,980 --> 00:18:01,920
We'll get you to a hospital,
don't you worry.
434
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:05,300
Oh, my goodness! She's
also having heart attack!
435
00:18:06,220 --> 00:18:08,380
Que...? Oh, oh, oh...
436
00:18:09,660 --> 00:18:12,570
~ Medico, medico!
~ Other doctor, deal with her.
437
00:18:12,620 --> 00:18:14,210
Stay with him.
438
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,250
I shall keep him company
on the journey
439
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:18,690
to the realm of his ancestors.
440
00:18:18,740 --> 00:18:20,580
Where does it hurt?
441
00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:30,210
He's carked it.
442
00:18:30,260 --> 00:18:32,020
CROWD GASPS
443
00:18:34,460 --> 00:18:37,560
'Then I had what can only
be described as an idea.
444
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,450
'If we held a service for Brutus,
445
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:43,410
'we could send him to the grave
in front of his ex-wife,
446
00:18:43,460 --> 00:18:45,930
'and I could do some more
digging at the funeral home.
447
00:18:45,980 --> 00:18:47,380
'Ya dig?'
448
00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:51,370
Thanks for coming back to help.
449
00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:52,890
Never duck out on a con.
450
00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:54,330
It's just, you know, after...
451
00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:55,850
You jilted me.
452
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:57,730
Not a problem, forget about it.
453
00:18:57,780 --> 00:19:00,370
I have. Forgotten about it.
454
00:19:00,420 --> 00:19:02,050
You jilting me.
455
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,840
Well, that's good.
456
00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:09,610
Oh, Brutus,
457
00:19:09,660 --> 00:19:11,730
my little butter biscuit!
458
00:19:12,540 --> 00:19:14,410
SHE SOBS THEN INHALES
459
00:19:22,380 --> 00:19:24,720
Oh, Bru, I'll always love you...
460
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:26,490
.. you git.
461
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:27,940
SHE SIGHS
462
00:19:30,020 --> 00:19:31,890
BRUTUS EXHALES LOUDLY
463
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:36,490
~ Did you just hear something?
~ Yes!
464
00:19:36,540 --> 00:19:37,770
Apologies.
465
00:19:37,820 --> 00:19:39,850
Grief plays havoc with
my lower intestines.
466
00:19:39,900 --> 00:19:41,610
Please, take your seat.
467
00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:43,800
It's what he'd have wanted.
468
00:19:49,740 --> 00:19:51,130
HE WAILS
469
00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:52,650
(You OK, B?)
470
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:55,620
I'm dying here. Keep
a lookout for a sec.
471
00:19:58,420 --> 00:20:00,370
~ MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
~ Ooh!
472
00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:01,970
You probably want to switch that off.
473
00:20:02,020 --> 00:20:04,810
You're having a laugh! Took me a
month to learn how to switch it on.
474
00:20:04,860 --> 00:20:08,560
OK. Play dead for a few more
minutes, I'm going for a snoop.
475
00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:12,050
Excuse me, I've been informed
by Nicola Tickler
476
00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:14,570
that her husband, Bud Tickler,
477
00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:16,930
would like to say a few words
478
00:20:16,980 --> 00:20:19,050
about his deceased father.
479
00:20:20,380 --> 00:20:21,820
Oh!
480
00:20:28,580 --> 00:20:31,180
Thanks, Nicola. Thanks a bunch.
481
00:20:32,780 --> 00:20:33,970
To be honest,
482
00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:35,690
I didn't think for a second
483
00:20:35,740 --> 00:20:37,970
I'd be standing here
in front of you all,
484
00:20:38,020 --> 00:20:40,980
talking about my...
dead father Brutus.
485
00:20:42,220 --> 00:20:44,090
Now, some of you might be thinking,
486
00:20:44,140 --> 00:20:47,010
"I didn't know Brutus had
a South African son."
487
00:20:47,060 --> 00:20:49,770
And up until recently,
neither did he.
488
00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:53,120
You see, Brutus left my mother
when I was just a baby.
489
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:56,730
My mother went insane and
married a rhinoceros.
490
00:20:56,780 --> 00:20:59,570
Over time, I learned
to forgive Brutus,
491
00:20:59,620 --> 00:21:01,450
and in the few weeks I knew him,
492
00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:04,330
I learned he was a
man with a big heart
493
00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:06,450
and an enormous liver.
494
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:10,530
Seriously, it would sort of push
out the bottom of his ribcage,
495
00:21:10,580 --> 00:21:13,890
like a shoplifter stealing
a frozen chicken.
496
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,050
And he had this weird smell.
497
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:17,840
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
498
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:23,050
Excuse me, I have to take this.
499
00:21:23,980 --> 00:21:25,290
(What?)
500
00:21:25,340 --> 00:21:26,930
(I was kidding.)
501
00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:28,210
(Don't be like that.)
502
00:21:28,260 --> 00:21:29,730
(Honestly, you barely notice it.)
503
00:21:29,780 --> 00:21:32,970
(Especially when you do that thing
when you suck your belly in. What?)
504
00:21:33,020 --> 00:21:34,370
(Good idea.)
505
00:21:34,420 --> 00:21:36,620
(OK. Bye... bye.)
506
00:21:38,060 --> 00:21:40,290
Another thing I learned...
507
00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:41,690
Dad was skint.
508
00:21:41,740 --> 00:21:44,490
He died absolutely penniless.
509
00:21:44,540 --> 00:21:46,610
Because that beautiful...
510
00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:48,530
.. lumpy...
511
00:21:48,580 --> 00:21:50,610
stinking man in there
512
00:21:50,660 --> 00:21:53,610
gave everything he had to charity...
513
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:55,940
including his bar.
514
00:22:03,820 --> 00:22:05,650
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm...
515
00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:07,370
a bit emotional.
516
00:22:09,740 --> 00:22:12,090
I do know that his last wish
517
00:22:12,140 --> 00:22:14,770
was that we all join together
518
00:22:14,820 --> 00:22:17,940
and sing the song that he
thought best summed him up.
519
00:22:20,060 --> 00:22:21,410
HE SINGS: Come on, Eileen!
520
00:22:21,460 --> 00:22:22,530
Everybody!
521
00:22:22,580 --> 00:22:24,450
Oh, I swear what he means...
522
00:22:24,500 --> 00:22:26,570
THEY SLOWLY BEGIN TO SING
523
00:22:26,980 --> 00:22:29,520
Rap-dap-be-dap-be-dap be-dap-be-dap
524
00:22:30,660 --> 00:22:33,530
Dap-dap-be-dap-be-dap be-dap-be-dap
525
00:22:33,580 --> 00:22:35,780
Dap-dap-be-dap-be-dap...
526
00:22:38,860 --> 00:22:41,730
Hello, lady. Fancy meeting you here.
527
00:22:41,780 --> 00:22:45,530
Well, if it isn't the
incredible vanishing man(!)
528
00:22:45,580 --> 00:22:47,090
You seem to have lost the accent.
529
00:22:47,140 --> 00:22:49,650
It must've fallen out my pocket
when I jumped off that ferry.
530
00:22:49,700 --> 00:22:51,770
Small talk, small talk,
where's my money?
531
00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:53,690
You didn't finish the
job. Where's my urn?
532
00:22:53,740 --> 00:22:55,810
You mean the urn full of
ashes that weren't ashes,
533
00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:57,770
that were actually drugs
that weren't drugs,
534
00:22:57,820 --> 00:22:59,810
but were actually talcum
powder? That urn?
535
00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:01,850
~ You talk too much.
~ It's a problem.
536
00:23:01,900 --> 00:23:03,690
I think it's caused by
me talking too much.
537
00:23:03,740 --> 00:23:06,130
Oh, by the way, nice idea
with the talcum powder.
538
00:23:06,180 --> 00:23:08,650
You knew there were cops on
that ferry looking for drugs.
539
00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:11,170
~ No point wasting the good stuff on a set-up.
~ Close.
540
00:23:11,220 --> 00:23:14,770
I suspected they'd be there,
but I didn't know... until now.
541
00:23:14,820 --> 00:23:16,570
You didn't tip them off?
542
00:23:16,620 --> 00:23:18,530
I'm not the rat in my family.
543
00:23:18,580 --> 00:23:20,530
Uncle Colin, of course.
544
00:23:20,580 --> 00:23:23,650
Trying to scare me onto the straight
and narrow, bless him.
545
00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:25,850
~ You thought he'd set you up, so...
~ To be sure,
546
00:23:25,900 --> 00:23:28,170
I set you up with one of these.
547
00:23:28,620 --> 00:23:29,890
But you disappeared.
548
00:23:29,940 --> 00:23:32,570
Well, isn't it time
you vanished again?
549
00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:35,090
And this time, you can
take Brutus with you.
550
00:23:35,140 --> 00:23:37,480
That all right with you, Brutus?
551
00:23:42,260 --> 00:23:44,000
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
552
00:23:49,460 --> 00:23:51,000
What the...?
553
00:23:53,180 --> 00:23:55,610
~ Brutus, thank God!
~ Shut up, Woody! Listen to me.
554
00:23:55,660 --> 00:23:57,530
No, you shut up. You've
got to help me.
555
00:23:57,580 --> 00:23:59,450
~ No, shut up, Woody.
~ No, you shut up.
556
00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,250
~ No, you shut up.
~ No, you shut up.
557
00:24:01,300 --> 00:24:03,570
~ No, you shut up.
~ Right, let's both shut up.
558
00:24:03,620 --> 00:24:05,760
Better. Now, where are you?
559
00:24:07,220 --> 00:24:09,050
~ Brutus?
~ Now, he wants me to talk!
560
00:24:09,100 --> 00:24:10,450
Where are you?
561
00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:12,850
I'm in a coffin, somewhere
in the funeral parlour.
562
00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:14,930
Maria must've hit me. Where are you?
563
00:24:14,980 --> 00:24:17,010
~ I'm in a coffin.
~ I know you're in a coffin.
564
00:24:17,060 --> 00:24:20,010
Get out of your coffin and come and
get me out of this coffin. And hurry!
565
00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:22,090
Don't you think I'd
get out of my coffin,
566
00:24:22,140 --> 00:24:25,050
then come and get you out of your coffin
if I could get out of my coffin?
567
00:24:25,100 --> 00:24:27,010
~ What do you take me for?
~ COFFIN CREAKS
568
00:24:27,060 --> 00:24:28,650
Whoa, what was that?
569
00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:30,450
Someone moved my coffin.
570
00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:32,330
Brutus, get me out of here!
571
00:24:32,380 --> 00:24:34,810
~ 'Please hold the line.'
~ Brutus. You there?
572
00:24:34,860 --> 00:24:38,060
'Please hold the line,
please hold the line.'
573
00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:40,650
Help!
574
00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:43,010
~ COLIN: 'Who's there?'
~ I'm in this coffin.
575
00:24:43,060 --> 00:24:44,370
I can hear something.
576
00:24:44,420 --> 00:24:45,530
I can hear flames.
577
00:24:45,580 --> 00:24:48,130
~ 'That'll be the furnace.'
~ What do you mean the furnace?
578
00:24:48,180 --> 00:24:49,490
Can you turn it off?
579
00:24:49,540 --> 00:24:51,090
'Yes, on the main console
580
00:24:51,140 --> 00:24:52,730
'to the left...
581
00:24:52,780 --> 00:24:54,610
'there's a red button - press it.'
582
00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:56,410
I can't press it! I'm in a coffin.
583
00:24:56,460 --> 00:24:57,770
Help me.
584
00:24:57,820 --> 00:24:58,930
Where are you?
585
00:24:58,980 --> 00:25:00,330
I'm in a coffin.
586
00:25:00,380 --> 00:25:01,810
'Ahh!'
587
00:25:01,860 --> 00:25:05,160
I can't be sure, but I think
it's the chestnut deluxe.
588
00:25:05,340 --> 00:25:06,570
Woody? Sorry about that.
589
00:25:06,620 --> 00:25:08,050
Brutus, thank God.
590
00:25:08,100 --> 00:25:09,890
~ Who designs these phones?
~ Not now.
591
00:25:09,940 --> 00:25:12,090
~ I've just put you on hold with me cheek.
~ Not now!
592
00:25:12,140 --> 00:25:13,610
I can feel the heat.
593
00:25:13,660 --> 00:25:15,010
For God's sake get me out of here.
594
00:25:15,060 --> 00:25:16,170
Woody, is that you?
595
00:25:16,220 --> 00:25:18,690
Melody, thank God! Get
me out of this coffin.
596
00:25:18,740 --> 00:25:19,930
Oh, is that the time?
597
00:25:19,980 --> 00:25:22,050
I've got to go. Furnace, yay!
598
00:25:22,100 --> 00:25:23,290
Melody.
599
00:25:23,340 --> 00:25:25,250
Melody!
600
00:25:25,300 --> 00:25:26,770
WOOD CREAKS
601
00:25:27,740 --> 00:25:30,410
Hope you don't mind, I brought
a friend to your barbecue.
602
00:25:30,460 --> 00:25:32,730
I had the situation
perfectly under control.
603
00:25:32,780 --> 00:25:35,320
~ Uh, thank you?
~ No need to thank me.
604
00:25:37,580 --> 00:25:38,980
Thank you!
605
00:25:40,060 --> 00:25:41,610
Better.
606
00:25:41,660 --> 00:25:44,060
~ What about Maria?
~ Taken care of.
607
00:25:47,340 --> 00:25:50,340
I think I've put it on
silent now, can you help?
608
00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:52,770
Ruined!
609
00:25:52,820 --> 00:25:54,690
The chestnut deluxe!
610
00:25:55,740 --> 00:25:57,340
Three coffins.
611
00:25:58,260 --> 00:26:00,290
I'll have to burn them.
612
00:26:00,340 --> 00:26:02,340
Mind if I get out first?
613
00:26:08,380 --> 00:26:10,290
Nice pad, what'd it set you back?
614
00:26:10,340 --> 00:26:12,050
It's... complicated.
615
00:26:12,100 --> 00:26:13,810
I don't doubt it. How's your bonce?
616
00:26:13,860 --> 00:26:15,890
I feel a bit like how you
must feel every morning.
617
00:26:15,940 --> 00:26:18,810
Rule number one, never turn your
back on a woman holding her urn!
618
00:26:18,860 --> 00:26:22,090
Relationship advice coming
from you, that's rich.
619
00:26:22,140 --> 00:26:24,410
~ So your wife thinks you're dead again?
~ Yeah, I reckon.
620
00:26:24,460 --> 00:26:27,010
Got to lay low for a couple of
weeks till she's back in Blighty.
621
00:26:27,060 --> 00:26:28,450
DOORBELL RINGS
622
00:26:28,500 --> 00:26:30,640
~ You expecting someone?
~ Mm.
623
00:26:33,460 --> 00:26:34,810
~ Ted!
~ Todd.
624
00:26:34,860 --> 00:26:35,890
Whatever.
625
00:26:35,940 --> 00:26:38,130
I'm glad you're here. You
need to leave immediately.
626
00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:40,570
~ We're about to fumigate.
~ Yeah, I've had you checked out.
627
00:26:40,620 --> 00:26:43,090
You're not a vermin exterminator.
I've called the police.
628
00:26:43,140 --> 00:26:45,680
Bad move, laddie. You better come in.
629
00:26:46,940 --> 00:26:48,930
I was hoping it wouldn't
come to this.
630
00:26:48,980 --> 00:26:52,680
What I'm about to tell you gives
you level three clearance.
631
00:26:52,980 --> 00:26:54,570
Allow me to introduce myself.
632
00:26:54,620 --> 00:26:56,370
My name is Agent Peter Smiley
633
00:26:56,420 --> 00:26:58,770
and this is my colleague,
Special Agent...
634
00:26:58,820 --> 00:27:00,760
Walker. Johnny Walker.
635
00:27:01,660 --> 00:27:04,980
We're deep undercover on direct
orders of Queen Elizabeth herself.
636
00:27:05,980 --> 00:27:08,170
Her Majesty was recently
the victim of a robbery,
637
00:27:08,220 --> 00:27:10,010
and we believe the stolen goods
638
00:27:10,060 --> 00:27:11,850
have found their way here.
639
00:27:11,900 --> 00:27:14,330
~ Blimey!
~ Blimey ain't the half of it.
640
00:27:14,380 --> 00:27:16,850
I suggest you get on to
your police friends ASAP
641
00:27:16,900 --> 00:27:18,690
and tell them it's a false alarm.
642
00:27:18,740 --> 00:27:21,010
Unless, of course, you want
the Queen on your back.
643
00:27:21,060 --> 00:27:22,170
You don't.
644
00:27:22,220 --> 00:27:23,770
She's surprisingly heavy.
645
00:27:23,820 --> 00:27:25,410
~ But...
~ Then you come back here
646
00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:27,530
and we will discuss
full reimbursement.
647
00:27:27,580 --> 00:27:29,290
Maybe even a knighthood.
648
00:27:29,340 --> 00:27:32,210
Chop, chop, Todd. Or should
I say... Sir Todd?
649
00:27:32,260 --> 00:27:35,130
What should I tell head
office, because...?
650
00:27:35,460 --> 00:27:36,890
~ We need to get out of here.
~ Ha!
651
00:27:36,940 --> 00:27:40,370
Don't tell me, you'll be wanting to stay
in my fish shed nightmare thing again.
652
00:27:40,420 --> 00:27:42,210
All right, I won't, but I do,
653
00:27:42,260 --> 00:27:43,610
so I guess I just did.
654
00:27:43,660 --> 00:27:45,570
Say, "Please."
655
00:27:45,620 --> 00:27:47,410
Please.
656
00:27:47,460 --> 00:27:49,170
One last spin in the Jacuzzi?
657
00:27:49,220 --> 00:27:51,290
I thought you'd never ask!
658
00:27:53,940 --> 00:27:55,740
I love this place!
659
00:27:57,540 --> 00:27:59,650
I love the hypnotists' convention,
660
00:27:59,700 --> 00:28:01,530
it is my favourite time of the year.
661
00:28:01,580 --> 00:28:03,290
Relax. You've got the wrong man.
662
00:28:03,340 --> 00:28:04,690
Please leave me alone.
663
00:28:04,740 --> 00:28:06,810
You, sir, sleep. You,
madame, wake up.
664
00:28:06,860 --> 00:28:08,130
The show has started!
665
00:28:08,180 --> 00:28:10,570
You won't get away with
this, you lowlife scum!
666
00:28:10,620 --> 00:28:12,570
I'm coming back and I'm
going to shoot you dead!
667
00:28:12,620 --> 00:28:14,610
~ You've got a problem.
~ Oh, I've got a problem!
668
00:28:14,660 --> 00:28:16,490
~ I've got a problem.
~ He's got a problem.
669
00:28:16,540 --> 00:28:18,810
~ You do have a problem.
~ Argh! It's Donald.
670
00:28:18,860 --> 00:28:20,410
I want the loo and I need a hand.
671
00:28:20,460 --> 00:28:22,330
MUSIC: Why Did You Do It? by Stretch
672
00:28:22,380 --> 00:28:25,330
I've been thinking 'bout
what you have done to me
673
00:28:25,380 --> 00:28:30,370
Damage is much deeper
than you'll ever see
674
00:28:30,420 --> 00:28:35,090
Hit me like a hammer to my head
675
00:28:35,140 --> 00:28:39,500
I wonder, were you
pushed or were you led?
676
00:28:40,660 --> 00:28:42,530
Why did you do it?
677
00:28:42,820 --> 00:28:45,820
Why did you do that thing to me?
678
00:28:45,870 --> 00:28:50,420
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