Original subtitles

da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da

Tessa: Okay, so, in case you don't remember,

My ex-boyfriend, Ryan, came back, but not for me.

He moved on with his girlfriend, June.

Lisa and Malik were determined

not to let the same thing happen to them.

And after a rough patch, they surprised everyone with...

Lisa Marie Shay...

Will you marry me?

Yes.

[cheers and applause]

And, as Maid of Honor,

I had no other choice but to get with the program.

- [school bell rings] - I don't think we need a program.

No program.

But I do want to discuss my walk down the aisle.

Okay, I just assumed that your parents...

I have something else in mind.

Did you happen to see

the season 3 finale of "Game of Thrones"?

- [all shouting "Lisa!"] - I walk amongst my people, greet them.

They scream my name with devotion.

I see. And where is Malik during all this?

Oh, he's there, too.

We exchange our vows as my young dragons circle overhead.

[dragons roar]

And then we exit

to Malik's favorite song by Rich Homie Quan.

Look, even if we could afford newly freed Yunkish slaves

and dragons and Rich Homie Quan, I just don't think

that our venue is going to allow for that kind of reenactment.

Now, I want to go over the dimensions of your backyard.

- Okay. - And the budget your mom gave me.

- Money is no object. - I'm sorry?

We are having a private conversation

that doesn't include you.

- Tell her, Lisa. - Tell me what?

Tell her how I'm Queen of Honor.

Oh. Dalia has decided to be Queen of Honor at our wedding.

And I have decided not to die on this hill.

What exactly does Queen of Honor do?

She basically just, like, looks extremely pretty

and is, like, very, very honored.

I see.

And the Maid of Honor cleans up after her

and then checks to see

if there's anything the Queen might need.

Like a clear pepsi.

Or some edamame.

Why did you agree to this?

Because Dalia graciously volunteered to donate

all of the china, silver, glassware, and spirits.

And also to perform "Suddenly Seymour."

And also to perform "Suddenly Seymour."

It's in my range.

Subtitles by awaqeded www.addic7ed.com

last night I had a pleasant nightmare

da-da-da-da

[dog barks]

da, da, da, da

Dalia: Okay.

Tessa: Okay, so, I'm thinking the groom's family

will be on this side.

And the bride's family...

You guys will be seated over here.

Now, how many people do you think

we can fit back here comfortably?

Well, let's see...

Uh, we hosted 60 nudes last summer

for our "bottom knockers" event.

Ooh. Ouch! She said comfortably.

[both chuckle]

- It was a tight squeeze. - Yeah, things got a little messy.

[both laugh]

Actually, I'm not comfortable.

Tessa, it may sound saucy, but the "bottom knockers"

is simply a mature group of Christian Potters

who prefer to spin in the nude.

Together, we nudely celebrate our faith in the lord

and our love of glazed earthenware.

Okay, so, um, no more than 40?

40's safe.

But 40 might have been a little ambitious.

All those in favor of Malik throwing away his future

to marry his 17-year-old classmate say "aye."

Aye.

- All those opposed, say "nay." - All: Nay.

- Nay. - Looks like the nays have it.

Nay, they don't.

Look, I'm sorry that the family doesn't approve,

but Lisa and I are getting married.

The state says I'm old enough

to decide for myself, and I've decided.

- The man's decided. - Well, then so have I.

Hear that? Edmond's decided something, too.

You want to be a... big man?

You want to disregard the counsel of your parents?

Then next year, you're on your own.

[scoffs] So what?

So you're not gonna pay for college?

- You're not gonna pay for... - Any of it.

You want to play house, play house.

Get a job and support your family.

What? So, you're gonna sabotage my future just because I d...

Oh! You're the one sabotaging, Malik! You!

Miles, sit your ass down.

Sit your ass down, Miles.

Really, no one asked you, Miles.

Fine. No, I hope you all can live with this decision

you've made because I don't intend to.

[all murmuring]

[door slams]

[sighs]

Okay. I told you it wasn't gonna work.

- I told you! - Ah.

[sighs] Hey. I did my part.

- Do you like it? - I do.

But I don't.

It needs more tulle and 50 more feet of train

and animatronic birds that sing my name.

[grunts] Okay.

This here is dinner service for 40.

[Breathing heavily] Just do me a solid

and ask the staff not to stack the goblets.

You can ask them yourself.

Oh, I won't be in attendance.

What?

You're not coming to my wedding?

I'm not going to Lisa and Malik's wedding

because, quite frankly, I'm a wedding jinx.

Every wedding I've ever been to has ended in divorce...

Including my own.

Mommy, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Marriages fail because of poor communication and poorness

and sexy assistants and diminished returns

and letting yourself go and GMO's

and HBO and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

And Catherine Zeta-Jones' personality.

And the way she, like, thinks she's better than everyone.

- Oh. - It has nothing to do with you.

I mean, how narcissistic can you be?

Okay, so I crunched some numbers.

You "crunched some numbers"?

Tessa, I can't help but feel

that you're approaching this the wrong way.

Yeah, we're not preparing our tax returns.

We're preparing to make an oath of eternal and undying love.

Even so,

the budget your parents gave me just isn't gonna support it.

Oh, what about my dowry chest?

Have you opened it? Because I have.

And it's mostly just coupons

for a free birthday cone at Friendly's.

- Now we're talking! - No, that is of no use to anyone.

Look, something's got to give. I have an event to put on here.

People got to get fed, pictures got to get snapped,

and I'm assuming you'll want

people to shake their bodies in time to the music.

- That is customary, yes. - Okay. There's got to be music.

Okay, now, after all those invoices are paid,

I'm hoping there's gonna be enough in the kitty

for a bell or a whistle.

But it's probably not gonna be both.

- What "kitty"? - So I am asking you...

What is the single most valuable add-on I can provide

to make this wedding reasonably special?

[both]: Fireflies.

- As in bugs? - Lightning bugs.

They're incredibly romantic.

They're beetles.

The whole point of their bio-luminescence

is to attract a mate.

I mean, that's their whole reason for living.

And that's the most important part of our wedding.

But you guys have already attracted a mate.

Oh, but we want someone to hook up at our wedding.

Yeah, if someone hooks up at your wedding, it's a good omen.

And anyone who cares about me knows

that I am very superstitious when it comes to omens...

Good or bad.

Malik: If Lisa were to find out my parents aren't coming,

she'd think it was a bad omen.

Is there any chance of your mom and dad coming around?

I really don't think so.

That being said,

I have a slightly awkward question to ask you.

Oh. Okay.

[chuckles] Well, right.

Well, look, man, the, uh... the wedding night

doesn't have to be about that.

You know, you guys could just order in, watch a movie,

and then when it feels right...

Oh, no, no. No, no. It's... it's not that.

That, I don't need any help with.

Oh. Good for you.

I was wondering if maybe you could walk me down the aisle.

Does the groom get walked down the aisle?

What? You want me to walk alone?

No. No.

I don't want that at all.

But [sighs] I got to believe your parents...

Listen, my parents are boycotting this wedding.

My entire family is.

- If you don't want to walk with me, it's... - Are you kidding me?

I absolutely want to walk with you.

Please. I'll walk you silly. [chuckles]

I'll walk like an Egyptian if you want me to.

Just regular walking is fine.

Well, I got that.

So, the price you're quoting me is for the pupa?

And there's no guarantee

that they'll hatch before the wedding?

I'm sorry. I can't do that. That's insane.

That's more than plated dinner service. No deal.

- [speaking French] - But midway through French,

it was still nagging at me.

- Maybe I had made the wrong choice. - Students: Oui.

Maybe I was supposed to gamble on the pupa.

Why did romance feel like a foreign language

I was unable to speak?

I was fluent in it once before.

And it was still happening all around me.

[wind blows]

[whimsical music plays]

Jacob accidentally dropping his papers

so he could lock eyes with Elise.

Or the way Mademoiselle Mimi looked,

bathed in the afternoon sun.

[woman sings in French]

And was that an accident, or was it fate?

And more importantly, where did that sexy janitor come from?

Apparently, love was in the air.

And I owed it to Lisa and Malik to stop thinking with my head

and start thinking with my...

Pupa!

You heard me! Give me every one you've got!

The heart wants what it wants.

And in this case, it's baby beetles.

- Okay. - Here are her dental records.

As you can see, she had a cleaning three months ago,

so you should be set until summer.

Uh, this is her, uh, menses calendar.

She's on a 28-day cycle.

Uh, the red dot indicates when the curse commences.

Now, about the week before, I would, uh...

- Pretty much steer clear. - [laughing] Yes.

- Just stay out of her way. - That's a wise man.

Oh! She had that stomach flu last month.

Got pretty dehydrated.

- Yeah, but we topped off all her fluids. - Yes.

And she shouldn't be giving you any problems.

- Okay. - Should be running smoothly.

Thanks, mom. Thanks, dad.

[sobs]

Oh, dear. I'm sorry.

I don't know how that slipped out.

[Chuckles] I usually keep my emotions

buried deep within my recto-uterine pouch.

But, uh, this is very unexpected.

Fred can be emotional at times.

Me, I'm your rock. [laughs]

How are your folks doing with all this?

Uh, you know what? I I should get going.

It's getting late, and I still got to file all this stuff.

Malik, I can't tell you how delighted

we are to welcome you into our family.

And I think I speak for all the Shay's when I say...

No backsies!

[laughs]

That is exactly what I was gonna say!

No backsies! [laughs]

Unbeknownst to the Shay's,

Malik still wasn't speaking to his parents.

But with the wedding approaching,

George knew he had to.

I don't know if you guys have made a decision

about attending the wedding or not.

But, as someone who has spent a fair amount of time

estranged from his own daughter,

I can tell you, it is not worth it.

- We're worried about him, George. - Yeah.

We're worried that he's biting off more than he can chew.

And he... he probably is.

Look, marriage is... is tough no matter what age you are.

But having the support of your family can help.

Why not give him every advantage?

Oh, he had every advantage, George.

That child had every advantage.

Miles, not now.

Please, Miles. Take it easy. It's time for your bath.

Okay. But I'm not getting my hair wet.

That's fine.

[sighs] Kids and their afros.

Ah. Don't get me started.

So, George, if Tessa decided tomorrow

that she was ready to tie the knot...

I'd be terrified, Tracy, yes.

And I would be sick about it.

But I'll tell you one thing...

No one would walk her down that aisle other than me.

The stage was set... French music,

Fireflies that, with any luck, would hatch, Le Macaron...

And my ex-boyfriend, Ryan.

[whimsical music plays]

Seeing him standing there,

it all came flooding back to me...

The racing heart, the sweaty palms,

the feeling of magic.

And in that moment, I was fluent again!

[woman singing in French]

_

_

June: Tessa.

- What the hell was that out there? - What the hell was what?

- What are you doing? - What am I doing?!

- I'm on to you, bitch. - Okay, that's not a nice thing to say.

You think I don't see what's happening?

You creating this super-romantic environment...

For Lisa and Malik to get married in!

- Looking extra cute. - No! I always look this cute!

- With that one stupid tendril. - This? Okay.

This is not a tendril.

This is a flyaway.

Bull crap!

Stop trying to French my boyfriend

'cause it ain't gonna happen.

Only one of us is leaving here alone tonight, and that's you.

- [door opens] - June was right.

- [door closes] - It wasn't appropriate.

Ryan was her boyfriend now... not mine.

And it was time to let go.

- [knock on door] - Malik: Lisa?

No. Don't come in!

It's bad luck for us to see each other.

I don't believe in bad luck.

Wow.

I'm glad I came in.

- You look beautiful. - Oh.

So do you.

Well, it's time to get started.

We can't get started. Your family isn't here.

You're wrong.

My family is here.

Right here.

But where are your mom and dad?

It, um... it doesn't look like they're coming.

And, look, before you say it's a bad omen.

It's... it's... it's not.

It just means that it's you and me now.

Forever and always.

But I already knew that.

[knock on door]

Hey, oh, sorry. You ready, buddy?

- You know it. - All right.

[humming "Walk Like An Egyptian"]

[chuckles] I said we weren't gonna do that.

- You look dapper, Mr. Shay. - Oh.

- Mwah! - Thank you.

Oh, there she is.

Lisa, what's wrong?

Malik's parents... aren't coming.

They aren't coming to the wedding.

I guess they don't want me to be in their family.

What?!

Fred, let me handle this.

Let me tell you something, young lady.

If those people don't realize

that you are the sweetest, kindest, most loving wife

that their son could ever hope for,

then screw 'em, Lisa.

Sincerely, screw 'em.

Because Malik landed in the tall grass.

And that's the truth.

[inhales sharply] Mom, thanks.

Sheila Shay wasn't the only one to prove

that sometimes your parents can surprise you.

Dad?

You didn't think I was gonna let

some other man walk my son down the aisle.

Thanks.

You're still not getting the money next year.

Oh, Edmond, please.

[applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, please stand for the bride.

[Rich Homie Quan's "Type of Way" plays]

[echoing] think it's a game?

My... Been hustling, trying to make him something

I knew Lisa was crazy about Malik, and she proved it.

When she walked down the aisle to Rich Homie Quan.

that car I'm driving make you feel some type of way

that custom breitling make you feel some type of way

all shiny

this... I'm with got me feeling some type a way

okay

is it 'cause my homey's rich you feel some type of way?

that right, too

some type of way, make you feel some type of way

okay, now let's be real, I know you feel some type of way

I think you love it

Hey.

Hey.

I didn't know where you wanted me.

How about right there?

In the audience?

People aren't gonna be able to see me there.

I think that's okay.

Friends, family, Lisa, Malik, welcome.

Tonight we come together to witness

the commitment of Lisa Shay and Malik Lefrique.

Wait. Your last name's Lefrique?

George: Okay. Hey. Shh.

Lisa, do you take Malik

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Malik, do you take Lisa to be your wife?

I do.

And within moments, it was over.

Lisa and Malik were married. And it was perfect.

By the power vested in me by New York state

and the firm of Lansky, Lansky & Schulman,

- I now pronounce you... - Dalia: Wait!

I have something really important I need to say.

A speech?

I lost my glasses, you guys.

I seriously lost my glasses.

If you could all look around you or under your seat.

I wouldn't make such a big deal,

- but they're prescription sunglasses. - Oh! Prescription.

Yeah.

And I seriously, seriously need them, you guys.

Okay, you can finish.

- [sighs] - ...Husband and wife!

Mazel tov!

[gasps, chuckles]

[cheers and applause]

We did it. [laughs] We got it.

[Kat Edmonson's "Lucky" plays]

Man: Yeah, Malik!

Yeah!

[indistinct conversations]

oh, oh, oh, oh

hmm

oh, oh

mm, mm

oh, oh

happiness feels like this

your heart upon your sleeve

Most romantic night ever, Tessa.

- there's a place

- Thank you.

- in time and space

- My pleasure.

[inhales deeply]

- where we can all be free

- I hoped it would be.

What?

- so meet me at the rainbow's end

- Don't tell June, but...

I was secretly hoping it would be you and Ryan

that hooked up at our wedding.

we don't even have to pretend

Well, sorry to disappoint you, but that's not going to happen.

No.

- we're looking for

- But a girl can dream.

- life is just a dream

- I love you, Tessa.

- whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh

- Love you.

ooh, ooh, ooh, lucky you, lucky, lucky me

- Go. - Okay.

- life is just a dream

- Tess?

Hey!

- whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh

- You okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

I was actually just gonna go get some, um...

I was actually gonna go get an ice bucket.

Could you maybe get me one from across the street?

Yeah, sure.

whistling

[laughter]

have you found

- Hello? - Dallas: Hello?

- higher ground

- Dallas?

- or are you lost at sea?

- That was a beautiful wedding.

I... I wondered where you were.

I didn't want to jinx it. I'm bad luck at weddings.

Okay, that is ridiculous.

It isn't! It's true.

Well, you... you look very nice.

Oh! Thank you.

Wait, you dressed this nicely to hide in the bushes?

You know I did.

[laughs] I can't believe how superstitious

everyone in Chatswin is.

I hear Lisa thinks if two people don't hook up at her wedding,

the entire marriage will be jinxed.

Now, that's ridiculous.

- That's what I said! - That's what I'm saying.

- life is just a dream

- Yeah.

- whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh

- We're both saying the same thing.

oh, oh, lucky you

lucky, lucky me

life is just a dream

whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh

mm, mm, mm, mm

lucky, lucky me

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