Original subtitles

(Tessa) At Chatswin High, most guys phoned it in,

giving their G.F.S the usual Valentine's day crap.

(amplified voice) Listen... But for one lonely soul who lost his True love...

when

I

had you

I treated you bad

don't you know I sit around

with my head hangin' down

and I wonder

who's

(feedback whines) AAH!

(thud)

If you think exploiting my love for smokey Robinson

and life-sized doll-making

is gonna make me forget what you did? You're...

Lisa, you think I wanted your mom to see me naked?

It was an accident!

Baby, can't you see the tracks of my tears?

I'm--I'm prepared to sing that one, too!

Actually, I don't--I don't have that sheet music.

(alih jey) Last night I had a pleasant nightmare

da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da

even though It's a cheesy commercial holiday,

I had to admit,

having my own Doting Valentine Felt pretty good.

I see you got my card.

I'm still awaiting your reply.

Mm...

"Y."

"Y"? "Y"!

I knew she'd say "Y"! she said "Y"!

here's the thing. (clears throat)

um, I overheard you talking about going

to Cody Bufford's valentines... Rager?

Rager. Rager!

Yeah. Cody's mom has super low self-esteem

and said she's buy us a keg of beer

if we all wear these t-Shirts.

Uh... wouldn't it be more romantic

to spend Valentine's day just the two of us?

Just the two of us?

Doing what?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

There's a movie playing at this art house theater,

and I've been dying to see it.

Tonight is the last night.

Don't those art house movies have a lot of, like, dialogue?

Well, according to npr, this one is thrilling.

They gave it two quills up.

It's called "Sea of Anguish."

Oh, is it based on a water park ride?

I tend to really respond

to movies based on Water park rides.

No, I think it's less of a ride

and more of a Moody, elliptical fever dream.

(mouths words)

But they have really good caramel corn.

Or gummi bears?

Caramel corn and gummi bears?

Yeah?

Yeah. Cool.

(class bell rings) okay.

Ryan and I weren't the only ones

with big plans for Valentine's day.

George was preparing to sweep Dallas off her feet. Wow.

Okay. Hi. Uh, George Altman.

I just wanted to confirm my reservation

for the Valentine's dinner tonight.

Yes. Mr. Altman.

You're one of the lucky few to have secured a spot.

Okay. Oh, and I see you opted

for the 18-Course premium package.

Well, yeah. Actually,

it's my first Valentine's with my girlfriend,

so I kind of wanna make it special.

Oh, it will be.

Somehow, we convinced chef Julio Proust

to grace us with his muscular, innovative cooking. (pig squealing)

As a Valentine's special,

he's prepared a first course

of paper-thin slices of pig's heart

drizzled in a sauce of its own blood.

Wow.

Yummers.

(squeals)

Oh.

Mommy? No! No! No!

Mommy, was that you?

Uh, Dalia, it is me, but it isn't me.

It's too hard to explain.

Mommy, you're scaring me. Why are you hiding?

Okay. Well, have you ever heard of blowtox?

A new injectable derived from the deadly japanese blowfish?

No.

How bad is it?

Tell me I don't need to cancel my date with George tonight.

Remember that guy in Florida

who got his entire face eaten off by an alligator

and then had reconstructive surgery,

and then when the picture surfaced,

everyone was like "Wait... This is after the surgery?

What the hell did he look like before the surgery?"

Yeah?

Well, if that guy had a baby with the elephant man,

and that baby got really old,

and then something on that baby got infected,

that would be you.

Ugh.

Well, thanks for your honesty.

Ugh.

Mommy, you're really disgusting.

(door squeaks) Hello, sweetheart.

Mother. You're a little early.

And by a little, I mean a whole day.

Oh, Sheila. You and your schedules.

It's so confining.

I changed my mind. Well--

How 'bout that?

You should try it sometime.

Is that my gam gam?

Oh, there's my boy.

Give me some lovin'.

Oh, look at you. You're so skinny.

Well... I gotta put my arms around you.

Oh! He's all ribs, like a greyhound.

Well, I do play Cardio Ping-Pong once a week

with the boys down at the club. Honey, don't worry.

Tonight, you are gonna feast like the king that you are.

Oh, no, no, mother.

I have a whole Valentine's menu planned.

I am making chicken breasts... ooh.

Generously seasoned with paprika. Mmm.

Oh, Fred, you can have those skinny breasts anytime.

How does a thick, juicy rib eye sound?

(laughs) The woman brings meat across state lines.

How can you not love that?

You married the wrong woman, Fred Shay. (gasps)

(Fred laughs)

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She just loves waltzing into my home

in those senior stilettos,

acting like she showed up a day early by accident.

That was no accident.

She wants to ruin my Valentine's day.

And watching your father lap up the attention--

Got to admit, big turnoff.

Not the least bit aroused.

Not gonna be no nookie tonight for Fred.

Okay, mother, please?

You'll notice I am indulging not in chocolate,

but in a lengthy biography of George Washington,

because the only february holiday I celebrate

is Presidents' Day.

(thud) (Malik) Fair maiden!

Forsooth I do beg your forbearance!

Whilst Thou lend a gentle ear?

With a hey nonny nonny and a hey nonny hey

and a hey nonny nonny and a...

if he thinks that he can exploit

my fondness of 16th-century folklore,

he's got another think coming.

I told you the intro was too long.

No, no. You need the "Hey nonny nonnys."

They--they set the mood.

Lisa, that little cocoa puff out there is cuckoo for you.

Maybe you should at least hear him out.

Don't you have anything better to do on Valentine's day

than try to control my life?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Tonight, your father and I are going to be learning...

to tango.

The Alfred Himmelsbock way.

Adios.

I hope you are ready to suck the Marrow out of life,

and I mean that quite literally.

I hear this chef works a lot with Marrow.

Oh...

I'm afraid I'm in no position

to suck anything tonight, George.

What? What-- what's going on?

It's Dalia.

She's under the weather.

Are you sure? Dalia's pretty tough.

And it's Valentine's day.

Oh, but she's projectile vomiting.

I think I saw a crucifix in there.

She's either sick or possessed.

Either way, I'm in for the night.

Okay, say no more.

I don't care how expensive or non-refundable that meal is,

your child comes first.

I'll make it up to you,

I promise. (beeps)

Bailed on V-Day?

Yeah. Hey...

you don't feel like sharing 18 courses

of award-winning cuisine with me?

Well, I would, but I have a hot date.

Oh.

(tango music playing)

Ha!

Ha!

You'll never believe it.

Turns out gam gam has been taking tango lessons

at the senior center.

Except that none of those old crones

can move like Alfredo can. (laughs)

He's a natural.

What about our tapes?

You're not upset, are you?

Initially, she was.

But then, in that very moment,

Sheila realized what Lisa must have felt

every time her mother made Malik a sandwich,

gave him a pound, locked it and exploded it,

or made some poorly drawn reference to a wayans.

Just like gam gam, Sheila had been cutting in,

and she shouldn't have been.

(projector clicking) (woman on screen) Mother.

Lover. Lover.

Mother.

(Tessa) So that movie I was so excited about

turned out to be a total drag.

I mean, there wasn't enough caramel corn in the world.

And if it was bad for me,

I could only imagine how much Ryan was suffering.

(whispers) Hey. You doing okay?

(woman on screen) Mother. Lover.

Lover.

(whispers) Not really.

Mother. Lover.

Lover. It's just so...

(Tessa) Confusing? Pretentious? Terrible?

So...

There are lots of things I thought he would say.

But not one of them was...

(crying) Beautiful.

It's so beautiful.

(Candy and popcorn rattling)

(indistinct conversations)

Oh, hey, Buddy.

Okay, so listen, here's the thing--

Due to some unforeseen stuff,

I'm gonna need my meal to go.

To go?

Yeah. I know there's no refund,

so if you could just, you know, wrap it up for me.

Wrap it up?

Are you just gonna keep repeating what I say, or...

sir. What?

Chef Julio's 18-course menu isn't a meal.

It's an experience.

Like scaling an icy glacier

or swimming with an endangered sea turtle.

Now how on earth would I wrap that up...

to go?

In 18 little bags?

(clacks)

(laughter)

Okay, listen, I am not a man who's accustomed

to paying $600 for anything I can't drive around in,

so I'm having trouble just walking away from this.

And in such a comfortable shoe.

Ha ha.

You know what?

On second thought, I guess I'm eating for two.

(laughs)

(slaps)

If you don't mind.

I had no idea that his ghost was gonna come back

for 45 minutes as an eel.

Was that an eel?

Wait. You didn't love the movie?

I didn't love that movie.

I didn't like that movie, even a little bit.

I thought it was terrible.

I'm sorry I suggested it.

How can you say that? It changed my life.

It...

there was a 5-minute part

that was nothing but the little boy

staring at a dead fish.

That dead fish was the boy's mother.

(laughs) How do you know that?

How do you not know that?

Valentine's day was slipping through our fingers.

Unless Ryan and I could find some common ground.

Hey, how do you...

how do you feel about stopping by Cody's?

I could--I could really use a rager right now.

Come on. We can... tell his mom how sexy she is.

You go ahead.

I feel like walking the earth.

(siren wailing in distance)

It's been a while, Mrs. Shay.

Indeed it has.

Indeed it has.

(rattling)

You're amazing, mrs. Shay.

Easy, Malik. Take it easy.

(mouth full) I missed your chicken salad so much.

I've missed giving it to you.

There's only one thing I've missed more than this.

It's Lisa.

I know.

And I know what you need to do to get her back.

Sheila and Malik weren't the only ones

avoiding being seen.

Dallas was spending her Valentine's day

hiding in the shadows.

(door closes) (Tessa) Hello?

Dallas? Tessa, is that you?

It's really dark in here. Do you mind if I--

freeze!

I'm just not in the mood for direct lighting.

Okay. I was on a date with Ryan tonight.

And the whole thing was my idea,

but I realized halfway through I didn't like it,

and he really liked it,

and he got all mad at me because I wasn't into it.

If we're talkin' about what I think we're talkin' about,

if they can't get you there even once,

their whole world comes crashing down.

And it's like, we understand.

I'm talking about a movie.

Oh. Then I don't know what his problem is.

Just because we didn't have the same exact experience,

he got mad and he walked away.

And now I'm alone on Valentine's day.

Y'all are discovering you have differences.

That doesn't mean it's the end.

It means it's a beginning.

It does?

Yes. You're learning how to navigate

through the lumps and the bumps and the flaky parts,

and the... swollen sections,

filled with fluids, just beggin' to be lanced.

Okay. Now you're scaring me.

What I'm trying to say is, go find your man.

I will if you will.

(sighs) You know what? You're right.

George would love me

whether I looked like Charlize Theron

or Charlize Theron in "Monster."

Right? (clicks)

And you tried icing it?

(laughs) Whoo. That was a workout.

I'll tell you, Fred Shay,

you have the tango touch.

(laughs)

Well. What have we here?

In keeping with the spanish theme of our evening,

I have made some mini churros with chocolate sauce.

Mrs. Shay. What decadence.

Keep it in your pants, Fred. They're oven-Baked.

Though I did use a heavy hand on the cinnamon shaker.

So... Oh. Well. Ow!

Oh.

I think all that abrazo -Ing is causing me to cramp up.

Oh, sorry, honey. Excuse me. Allow me.

Oh! Boy. Is it too deep?

Nope. You get in there, gam gam.

Oh, you dig as deep as you dare.

Oh, that's the stuff. (doorbell rings)

Oh.

Aah.

Ooh.

Malik. What a surprise.

(Fred groaning) Oh.

Oh... Oh, yes. How's that feel?

Sheila wasn't the only one losing her appetite.

Aah...

for your 15th course,

we present a pork belly and Veal tongue Hash,

finished with shards of micro-Beak

in a freshly lambed foam. Lambed?

Did you... (laughs)

It's a verb? Lambed? "to Lamb"?

who lambed it?

(Julio) I did.

I lambed it this morning.

(clacks)

It was an honor to watch you Lamb it.

You're very lucky.

(slurring) You're very lucky.

Guys, my girl used to look at me just like that.

Made me feel like number one. Right?

It feels good.

Yeah, but tonight, she totally... (clears throat)

Bailed on me,

so here I am feeling like number two...

(laughs)

Right? Did you get it? Number two?

We get it.

Yeah. (laughs)

okay. Don't mind me. I'm just drunk and lonely.

George.

(mouth full) Hey! That's her. That's my girlfriend.

The most beautiful girl in the world. Shh. Shh.

Underneath the bag.

George. George, come here.

(mouth full) Hey.

Hey, I didn't wanna leave you here all alone.

But let's just slip out without making a scene.

Okay. Hey, take a good look, folks!

But hands off!

This sweet gal is mine!

(laughs) Come on.

This better be good, mother.

I just got to the valley forge section,

and there is a riveting passage about gangrene.

Hey, Lisa.

Mother, would you please show This gentleman to the door

and tell him that I do not wish to be disturbed again?

Young lady, I think you have shown

quite enough attitude today.

Now if you can't be polite to Malik,

then I am gonna take away your library privileges.

You know what, mrs. Shay?

Maybe you should back off.

Excuse me?

I'm sick of hearing the way you talk to Lisa.

She doesn't deserve that tone. Nobody does.

I hardly think it is your place

to tell me how to talk to my own daughter.

You know what? That's where you're wrong.

You're the one who's always putting your nose

where it doesn't belong, like in our relationship.

You know what else?

Your "Chicken Salad"? Yeah, it ain't all that, mama.

Well, if that is how you feel,

then I agree with Lisa. You'd better go.

You are no longer welcome in my home, Mr. Lafrique.

(door squeaks)

(door squeaks)

(indistinct conversations)

Hey.

I thought you were out walking the earth.

I came looking for you.

It is Valentine's day.

This couch is wet.

That's 'cause Cody's mom threw up on it a few minutes ago.

I'm sorry I walked out on you.

If that movie taught me anything,

it's that we have to forgive those in the darkness

who don't yet see the light.

Yeah.

And... I know, in a surprise turn of events,

that you liked that movie and I didn't.

But maybe that's what makes us a cool couple.

We're unpredictable.

Yeah.

And we're both super good looking.

(exhales)

Happy Valentine's day.

Happy Valentine's day.

Okay. So what was that part

where the masked guy is bowing to the horse statue about?

That was about war.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

What about the monkey running through the art museum?

That was about freedom.

Whoa. Who knew?

Oh, man.

I think I exceeded the daily allowance

of animal Colon tonight.

You know what? I know I did.

Okay. Easy does it. Almost there.

Dallas, you know I mean this

in the most respectful way possible,

but you're kind of reminding me of a serial killer right now.

You gotta show me what's under the bag.

I will. I just wanna make sure you don't freak out first.

I ate digestive tract tonight, okay?

Nothing's gonna make me freak out.

Just tell me what's going on.

Okay. I had a... procedure

that went a bit awry.

How awry?

Uh...

okay.

Wow.

What did--

Okay.

You know...

ooh, wow.

It's bad, isn't it? It's really bad.

You--You don't have to change yourself.

Anything about yourself.

You're--to me, you're so sexy, and--and...

(stomach groans)

(stomach gurgles)

and beautiful, and... (burps)

(stomach groans)

(burps) Oh, god.

George? Mm-hmm.

You were just tellin' me that I'm sexy and beautiful.

I-I was and I will,

just... (gurgling continues)

Oh, god, this isn't about you, I swear.

It's all the intestines in my... intestines.

(groaning)

Excuse me.

Are you sure it's not me?

Love, thankfully, is resilient.

It can continue to thrive

in the most unlikely circumstances.

Malik?

Hey.

Um...

Thanks for standing up to my mother.

It felt really good to have you on my side.

And if you're still willing to give us another chance...

I want to.

Really?

Really. (chuckles)

Happy almost-Presidents' day.

Mr. Shay?

In tango, one doesn't ask.

One takes.

(gasps)

But what about mi madre?

Screw gam gam.

I told her she can stick her rib eye

where the sun don't shine.

Well, not literally, of course.

I told her good night and that I'd miss her

and have a safe trip,

and let us know she got in okay.

But she knew what I meant.

(gasps)

(exhales)

(kisses) (gasps)

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