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1
00:00:14,090 --> 00:00:15,992
I've never made it
with a preacher before.
2
00:00:16,091 --> 00:00:18,961
Well, honey, then we
got somethin' in common.
3
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:24,232
- Hey, baby, just one second here.
- What?
4
00:00:24,332 --> 00:00:25,433
Just push pause.
5
00:00:25,535 --> 00:00:27,370
Don't keep me waiting too long.
6
00:00:27,469 --> 00:00:30,740
Hey, you keep the motor
running, honey. Whoo!
7
00:00:32,441 --> 00:00:34,845
Excuse me here, brother.
8
00:00:36,178 --> 00:00:38,246
- Agh!
- [TINA] What's wrong, baby?
9
00:00:38,347 --> 00:00:40,583
I think I just saw a ghost.
10
00:00:40,682 --> 00:00:43,853
For real? Should I leave?
11
00:00:43,952 --> 00:00:45,889
Ah, I never let a little
thing like a ghost...
12
00:00:45,988 --> 00:00:49,225
stop me from doin' what I do best.
13
00:00:49,324 --> 00:00:50,960
Whoo-hoo!
14
00:00:51,059 --> 00:00:52,338
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
15
00:00:52,493 --> 00:00:56,219
- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --
16
00:00:56,366 --> 00:00:58,902
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
17
00:01:01,170 --> 00:01:02,705
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
18
00:01:02,804 --> 00:01:04,206
Coming!
19
00:01:09,479 --> 00:01:12,382
A blessed morning to you, Pastor!
20
00:01:12,482 --> 00:01:13,682
You may have seen me
scurrying around here...
21
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:14,983
like a little church mouse...
22
00:01:15,083 --> 00:01:16,952
but I just wanted to
introduce myself formally.
23
00:01:17,053 --> 00:01:19,355
I'm Laura Beth, head of
the booster committee.
24
00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:20,923
Nice to meet you, Laura Beth.
25
00:01:21,023 --> 00:01:23,325
Uh, scurry around to
your heart's content.
26
00:01:23,425 --> 00:01:24,660
Are you feeling okay, Pastor?
27
00:01:24,761 --> 00:01:26,628
Because you are looking
a tad discombobulated.
28
00:01:26,729 --> 00:01:28,063
Yeah, I'm feeling fine.
29
00:01:28,163 --> 00:01:29,843
It's just these early
mornings, you know...
30
00:01:29,931 --> 00:01:31,934
getting used to the time
change from Tulsa and all.
31
00:01:32,035 --> 00:01:33,768
But we're in the same
time zone as Tulsa...
32
00:01:33,869 --> 00:01:35,505
and it is already 8:00 A.M.
33
00:01:35,605 --> 00:01:37,107
Don't want to let the
day get away from us, do we?
34
00:01:37,207 --> 00:01:40,276
Exactly, which is why I have a
few things to discuss with you.
35
00:01:40,375 --> 00:01:44,012
Uh, let me finish my morning
devotions, I'll be right back.
36
00:01:44,112 --> 00:01:46,048
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, if
that's the case, you just...
37
00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:47,649
you take a couple of moments.
38
00:01:47,750 --> 00:01:49,586
- Okay.
- I'll be right out here.
39
00:01:49,685 --> 00:01:52,153
- The Lord's work's awaitin'.
- Okay, I'll be right here.
40
00:01:52,254 --> 00:01:53,789
I'm just gonna wait right here!
41
00:01:55,291 --> 00:01:58,794
I'm 99.9% sure we got the
good kind of weird last night.
42
00:01:58,895 --> 00:02:00,497
Well, if ya come back to bed...
43
00:02:00,597 --> 00:02:02,230
I would be more than
happy to refresh your memory.
44
00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:05,101
Oh, unfortunately, honey, there's
no rest for the wicked.
45
00:02:05,201 --> 00:02:08,738
Fare thee well, my lady.
46
00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:10,572
Can't I just go out the front door?
47
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,842
Oh, no, no, no, I figured
we'd do something crazy...
48
00:02:12,941 --> 00:02:14,343
kind of like Romeo and Juliet.
49
00:02:14,444 --> 00:02:17,113
I thought it'd be way more romantic.
50
00:02:17,212 --> 00:02:19,114
Pastor Joe Johnson...
51
00:02:19,214 --> 00:02:22,652
you are a true
gentleman through and through.
52
00:02:22,752 --> 00:02:24,219
I know, I know.
53
00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,523
Shoot me your number and
remind me your first and last name...
54
00:02:26,623 --> 00:02:28,558
we'll do it again sometime.
55
00:02:30,159 --> 00:02:33,262
Actually, my girlfriends
are coming into town tonight...
56
00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:34,764
for the yoga convention.
57
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:38,267
We could all hang out, say around 7:00?
58
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:41,737
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
59
00:02:43,023 --> 00:02:44,439
[LAURA BETH] Pastor Johnson?
60
00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:46,509
Coming!
61
00:02:46,609 --> 00:02:47,878
(GLASS SMASHING)
62
00:02:50,512 --> 00:02:54,718
And the Lord said
unto the people... Amen.
63
00:02:56,586 --> 00:02:57,921
Were you talking to somebody?
64
00:02:58,021 --> 00:02:59,581
No, no, no, I wasn't talking to nobody.
65
00:02:59,587 --> 00:03:00,889
I was just doing my morning prayers...
66
00:03:00,990 --> 00:03:03,493
for starving,
orphan... Nigerian children.
67
00:03:03,593 --> 00:03:04,794
Oh...
68
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:07,630
Come on in. Welcome to my humble abode.
69
00:03:08,964 --> 00:03:10,244
Oh, no, don't wanna sit there...
70
00:03:10,332 --> 00:03:12,401
that chair right there
has terrible lumbar support.
71
00:03:12,502 --> 00:03:14,604
Here just sit in this chair right here.
72
00:03:14,703 --> 00:03:17,172
Oh... thank you.
73
00:03:17,272 --> 00:03:18,807
So... now, where were we?
74
00:03:18,908 --> 00:03:20,476
Well, it is pretty self-explanatory...
75
00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:22,078
but with you being new and all...
76
00:03:22,177 --> 00:03:24,179
I just wanted to make sure
you didn't have any questions.
77
00:03:24,279 --> 00:03:26,148
I only have two questions.
78
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,950
What is this and what
does it have to do with me?
79
00:03:29,051 --> 00:03:31,587
Oh, it's a list of your daily duties.
80
00:03:31,687 --> 00:03:34,322
Duties? I thought this
was a tight one hour...
81
00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:36,292
one-day-a-week type of gig.
82
00:03:38,028 --> 00:03:39,996
No, Pastor Jenkins, he
had me make him a list...
83
00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:41,455
of his pastoral duties every day...
84
00:03:41,463 --> 00:03:42,898
so that he didn't forget anything.
85
00:03:42,998 --> 00:03:45,118
You talking about this guy
right here in the painting?
86
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:49,037
Yes... after his
health deteriorated it was...
87
00:03:49,137 --> 00:03:52,676
It was just time for him to
move on to a better place.
88
00:03:55,678 --> 00:03:58,014
Okay, you got
water, sunscreen, all that?
89
00:03:58,113 --> 00:04:00,483
Mom, do I really have
to wear this jacket?
90
00:04:00,582 --> 00:04:02,751
Of course, you don't
have to... you get to...
91
00:04:02,851 --> 00:04:04,921
because those tastefully
studded rhinestones...
92
00:04:05,020 --> 00:04:06,988
are gonna pay for your college one day.
93
00:04:07,089 --> 00:04:10,259
Fine, I'll put on the jacket.
94
00:04:10,359 --> 00:04:11,628
Come on, babe, we gotta go.
95
00:04:11,727 --> 00:04:13,428
And where is that?
96
00:04:13,529 --> 00:04:15,664
You know where, it's the Craft-xpo.
97
00:04:15,765 --> 00:04:17,967
I got us a booth to
promote Debbie Does Dazzles.
98
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:19,867
Ooh, babe, gonna have
to stop you right there.
99
00:04:19,935 --> 00:04:22,570
My itinerary for the
day is locked and loaded.
100
00:04:22,671 --> 00:04:24,841
This man is gettin'
code-blue day drunk...
101
00:04:24,940 --> 00:04:27,911
and watchin' Tattoo
Nightmares on the Spike Network for men.
102
00:04:28,010 --> 00:04:30,046
Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun.
103
00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,847
You know what? That'll give
me plenty of time to rethink...
104
00:04:31,947 --> 00:04:34,416
letting you shoot your
show in my basement.
105
00:04:34,517 --> 00:04:36,085
It's your call, babe.
106
00:04:36,185 --> 00:04:39,322
For someone so smokin'
hot, you are ice cold, woman.
107
00:04:39,421 --> 00:04:41,579
VERNON (OVER PHONE): Depending
on who this is...
108
00:04:41,703 --> 00:04:44,294
and what you're after, you
may or may not have reached...
109
00:04:44,394 --> 00:04:46,829
the voicemail of who it
is you're lookin' for.
110
00:04:46,928 --> 00:04:48,864
Oh, yeah, hey, buddy, it's me.
111
00:04:48,964 --> 00:04:51,568
Uh, we got an appointment here in a few.
112
00:04:51,668 --> 00:04:53,002
Just checkin' up on you.
113
00:04:53,102 --> 00:04:55,070
Make sure you're on
your way, and all that.
114
00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:05,214
Coming up! Bake sales are
like closing time at the bar.
115
00:05:05,315 --> 00:05:07,116
At the end of the night, you
wanna go home with somethin'...
116
00:05:07,215 --> 00:05:09,617
you ain't too worried about looks.
117
00:05:09,719 --> 00:05:12,121
Hey, yeah, I don't
want to be a nag here...
118
00:05:12,221 --> 00:05:13,723
but if your butt
doesn't walk through my door...
119
00:05:13,822 --> 00:05:15,662
in about two seconds,
I'm gonna have to like...
120
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,861
Oh, man! Wow!
121
00:05:26,435 --> 00:05:29,072
Dang it, Vernon! Be responsible!
122
00:05:29,171 --> 00:05:33,475
Hey, Terry. Terrible
coffee today, I tell you.
123
00:05:33,575 --> 00:05:36,479
Oh, Lord, one, two, three!
124
00:05:36,579 --> 00:05:40,183
Oh, yeah... what the hell is this?
125
00:05:40,282 --> 00:05:43,419
That's no wild animal... that's Fat Dog.
126
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,022
Come on, Fat Dog, let's
get you something to eat.
127
00:05:46,121 --> 00:05:47,556
How's the Lord's work, Pastor?
128
00:05:47,656 --> 00:05:48,923
Oh, it's coming.
129
00:05:49,024 --> 00:05:50,493
I've gotta finish up
with the youth group...
130
00:05:50,592 --> 00:05:51,493
then I'm done for the day.
131
00:05:51,594 --> 00:05:53,229
Oh, that's so good!
132
00:05:53,329 --> 00:05:54,664
Okay, 'cause that means
you're gonna be free later!
133
00:05:54,763 --> 00:05:56,123
Because we are having a program...
134
00:05:56,164 --> 00:05:57,684
to try and attract new parishioners...
135
00:05:57,767 --> 00:05:59,267
because we sure could
use some more tithing.
136
00:05:59,368 --> 00:06:01,270
Oh, I'm all for drumming
up business, honey...
137
00:06:01,371 --> 00:06:04,272
but some ladies have
fallen from the Lord...
138
00:06:04,373 --> 00:06:06,575
and I'm gonna do my
darnedest to bring 'em back.
139
00:06:06,674 --> 00:06:09,177
Oh, I do not envy you, Pastor Johnson.
140
00:06:09,277 --> 00:06:12,080
I mean, that much
goodwill, that could take all night.
141
00:06:12,181 --> 00:06:13,816
I hope so.
142
00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,452
[VERNON] How old are you guys, anyway?
143
00:06:16,551 --> 00:06:18,020
15.
144
00:06:18,121 --> 00:06:20,556
Well, y'all might be able to help
me with a personal problem.
145
00:06:20,656 --> 00:06:23,192
See there's this amazing teenage girl...
146
00:06:23,291 --> 00:06:25,527
that I'm having a heck of
a time getting to like me.
147
00:06:25,628 --> 00:06:27,664
Any thoughts?
148
00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:28,863
[DOILY] Vernon Brown!
149
00:06:28,964 --> 00:06:31,367
Vernon Brown...
150
00:06:31,467 --> 00:06:34,536
Hey. Hey...
151
00:06:34,637 --> 00:06:36,037
Hey, man, what brings you out here?
152
00:06:36,072 --> 00:06:37,552
You missed a scheduled appointment...
153
00:06:37,572 --> 00:06:40,310
and you forgot to turn in
your court card, you know?
154
00:06:40,409 --> 00:06:42,410
And I'm now obligated to report this...
155
00:06:42,512 --> 00:06:45,081
and send a really good
friend back to jail.
156
00:06:47,705 --> 00:06:49,546
I'm so sorry, man.
157
00:06:49,547 --> 00:06:52,986
I guess I got caught up in
my community service out here.
158
00:06:53,086 --> 00:06:54,846
You know, I know this
is gonna sound silly...
159
00:06:54,853 --> 00:06:57,655
but I guess I really
just wanted to prove to you...
160
00:06:57,756 --> 00:07:00,425
and society as a
whole, that I'm a changed man.
161
00:07:00,526 --> 00:07:02,446
Why don't we just forget
about this hiccup, okay?
162
00:07:02,494 --> 00:07:05,564
Let's do our business over
a nice, long brunch, huh?
163
00:07:05,665 --> 00:07:09,268
Dick's Drawn Butters has got bottomless
mimosas all day long.
164
00:07:09,369 --> 00:07:11,304
- Let's go.
- Oh, Doily, I'd love to, man...
165
00:07:11,403 --> 00:07:13,439
but I've got some young
lives to change here.
166
00:07:13,538 --> 00:07:14,574
These guys are counting on me.
167
00:07:14,674 --> 00:07:16,009
What do you got here?
168
00:07:16,109 --> 00:07:17,310
Like a "scared
straight" situation or something?
169
00:07:17,410 --> 00:07:18,410
Something like that.
170
00:07:18,511 --> 00:07:20,446
I'm good at this, I got this.
171
00:07:20,545 --> 00:07:21,913
Hi, kids. How you doin' today?
172
00:07:22,014 --> 00:07:23,883
Yeah, you like the woods? I bet you do.
173
00:07:23,982 --> 00:07:27,453
Okay, don't smoke drugs,
and stay in school, okay?
174
00:07:27,552 --> 00:07:29,054
Oh, yeah.
175
00:07:29,155 --> 00:07:32,559
Don't let anybody ever tell
you that marriage is forever...
176
00:07:32,658 --> 00:07:35,427
because, spoiler alert, it's not!
177
00:07:35,528 --> 00:07:37,629
Women take your heart
out of your chest cavity...
178
00:07:37,730 --> 00:07:39,732
stomp on it and spit on it!
179
00:07:39,831 --> 00:07:42,000
You'll see! You'll all see!
180
00:07:42,100 --> 00:07:44,470
Hey, have a nice day.
181
00:07:44,571 --> 00:07:46,105
Let's get those mimosas, kiddo!
182
00:07:46,206 --> 00:07:47,206
Oh, yeah...
183
00:07:50,809 --> 00:07:53,011
Oh, hey there, Pastor Johnson.
184
00:07:53,112 --> 00:07:55,748
I'd like for you to
meet my parole officer.
185
00:07:55,848 --> 00:07:58,783
Hi, there, my name's Pastor Johnson.
186
00:07:58,884 --> 00:08:00,124
Oh, how you doin'? Mitch Doily.
187
00:08:00,185 --> 00:08:01,705
Hey, watch out for my buddy here, huh?
188
00:08:01,754 --> 00:08:03,321
Just 'cause he's a celebrity...
189
00:08:03,422 --> 00:08:05,457
don't go givin' him the celebrity
treatment or nothin'.
190
00:08:05,557 --> 00:08:07,659
Hey, while I have you
here, Pastor Johnson...
191
00:08:07,759 --> 00:08:09,662
would you mind signing my court card?
192
00:08:09,762 --> 00:08:11,764
I'd be happy to, Convict Vernon Brown.
193
00:08:11,864 --> 00:08:16,136
Right, that's a great idea.
We can get this done right here.
194
00:08:16,235 --> 00:08:19,371
Whoops. You ever sign
someone else's name by accident?
195
00:08:19,471 --> 00:08:22,106
No... never have.
196
00:08:22,206 --> 00:08:23,942
Oh, boy, okay, that's great.
197
00:08:24,042 --> 00:08:25,477
All right, see you later! Hey, let's go.
198
00:08:25,577 --> 00:08:28,047
Let's go, let's go, let's
go. Bottomless mimosas.
199
00:08:28,147 --> 00:08:30,116
Take it easy, Pastor.
200
00:08:32,917 --> 00:08:34,220
Do you think you could maybe help us?
201
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:35,488
Hey, Ronnie...
202
00:08:35,587 --> 00:08:37,055
you see they're filming
Flea Market Fortunes here?
203
00:08:37,156 --> 00:08:38,691
I know you'd never sell...
204
00:08:38,791 --> 00:08:40,292
your "totally
authenti"" boat wheel prop...
205
00:08:40,393 --> 00:08:43,394
but you could be sitting
on a gold mine right now.
206
00:08:43,494 --> 00:08:45,764
- You messing with me?
- No.
207
00:08:45,864 --> 00:08:48,466
(MUSIC PLAYING)
208
00:08:48,566 --> 00:08:50,903
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
209
00:08:59,745 --> 00:09:01,880
Oh, no. Here we go...
210
00:09:07,286 --> 00:09:09,855
Well, if it isn't Dazzlin' Debbie.
211
00:09:09,955 --> 00:09:12,057
Well, if it isn't Dania Twang.
212
00:09:12,158 --> 00:09:15,060
Still using your low-rent
Shania impersonation...
213
00:09:15,159 --> 00:09:16,695
to hock your De-Dazzlers?
214
00:09:16,796 --> 00:09:19,165
I figured she would have
sued you out of business by now.
215
00:09:19,264 --> 00:09:22,235
My performance is
considered 100 percent legal parody.
216
00:09:22,335 --> 00:09:24,704
Oh, really? They ruled you a joke?
217
00:09:24,803 --> 00:09:26,904
"Debbie Does Dazzles?"
218
00:09:27,004 --> 00:09:29,274
That don't impress me much.
219
00:09:30,743 --> 00:09:34,379
So, I woke up buck naked on
the back of a flatbed truck.
220
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,448
A half empty bottle of
whiskey on my left...
221
00:09:36,548 --> 00:09:39,018
and two out of three of the
Mandrell sisters on my right.
222
00:09:39,118 --> 00:09:42,521
Oh, wow! Your stories are
the best, man, I swear.
223
00:09:42,620 --> 00:09:44,622
Gimme it all, the who,
what, where, how, when.
224
00:09:44,722 --> 00:09:47,325
Where were you were born, where'd
you lose your virginity?
225
00:09:47,426 --> 00:09:49,262
That kind of thing.
226
00:09:50,629 --> 00:09:52,465
I got this. I got it.
227
00:09:52,565 --> 00:09:55,501
Well, listen, I gotta
get down to the church...
228
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,040
and start chipping away at
that mountain of community service.
229
00:09:58,071 --> 00:09:59,305
One more thing...
230
00:09:59,404 --> 00:10:01,573
You know who's a bigger
fan of yours than me?
231
00:10:01,673 --> 00:10:03,675
My mom loves you.
232
00:10:03,775 --> 00:10:05,377
And it would mean the world...
233
00:10:05,478 --> 00:10:07,513
if she had an autograph or something.
234
00:10:07,613 --> 00:10:08,881
Ah, hell, what's her name?
235
00:10:08,980 --> 00:10:11,316
I'll put it right here on this napkin.
236
00:10:11,417 --> 00:10:13,693
Well, I was thinking that maybe
you and I could go down
237
00:10:13,718 --> 00:10:15,912
to the nursing home, and
you could do it in person.
238
00:10:15,988 --> 00:10:20,059
Oh, man, you know, I'd love
to, but I got unbreakable plans...
239
00:10:20,158 --> 00:10:24,462
this evening and I'd
actually just be a real bear.
240
00:10:24,562 --> 00:10:26,898
No, I totally get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
241
00:10:26,999 --> 00:10:29,201
Tell you what'd be a bear, though...
242
00:10:29,301 --> 00:10:31,003
is if I had to tell the parole board...
243
00:10:31,104 --> 00:10:34,073
that my best friend
missed his appointment today.
244
00:10:34,172 --> 00:10:37,176
That'd be a bear.
245
00:10:37,275 --> 00:10:40,912
Rrr... that kind of thing.
246
00:10:41,013 --> 00:10:42,413
This is a really interesting piece.
247
00:10:42,447 --> 00:10:45,485
I'm gonna guess it dates probably
early 20th century.
248
00:10:45,585 --> 00:10:47,119
Album? Who gives a hoot?
249
00:10:47,220 --> 00:10:48,620
Oh, my God, lady.
250
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:53,158
Your halfwit kid make that coffee
mug in ceramics class?
251
00:10:53,259 --> 00:10:55,927
A freakin' leprechaun
guitar? Are you serious, dude?
252
00:10:56,028 --> 00:10:58,797
It's not even tuned.
Rainbow's that a-way.
253
00:10:58,898 --> 00:11:00,465
Oh, all right, dude, that's cool.
254
00:11:00,566 --> 00:11:04,003
Like I was saying... you holding, bro?
255
00:11:04,103 --> 00:11:06,272
All right, that's cool.
256
00:11:09,674 --> 00:11:10,742
Well, this place is nice.
257
00:11:10,842 --> 00:11:12,110
Yeah, thanks, thanks.
258
00:11:12,211 --> 00:11:15,047
Oh, hey, they got tango
lessons! We should join up.
259
00:11:15,147 --> 00:11:17,516
You know what, LOL! I'm
gonna go check on my mom.
260
00:11:17,616 --> 00:11:21,052
- Harold, no dice.
- Please, just one puddin' cup?
261
00:11:21,153 --> 00:11:23,755
Well, no puddin' except
on Puddin' Wednesdays!
262
00:11:23,855 --> 00:11:25,357
You know the rules.
263
00:11:28,228 --> 00:11:31,730
I never was one for
rules, either... outlaw.
264
00:11:31,831 --> 00:11:33,733
Thank you.
265
00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:50,968
_
266
00:11:51,423 --> 00:11:54,692
_
267
00:11:55,223 --> 00:11:58,423
_
268
00:11:58,978 --> 00:12:00,311
_
269
00:12:00,774 --> 00:12:02,626
_
270
00:12:04,568 --> 00:12:06,003
Pastor Johnson!
271
00:12:06,104 --> 00:12:07,339
Oh, for hell's sake!
272
00:12:07,438 --> 00:12:09,440
Folks are gonna be so
excited to see you!
273
00:12:09,541 --> 00:12:11,543
There are so many prayer requests!
274
00:12:11,643 --> 00:12:13,344
You know, honey, I think
we might be able to cover...
275
00:12:13,443 --> 00:12:15,045
more of the Lord's work if we split up.
276
00:12:15,145 --> 00:12:18,249
I still gotta get back to
church for that Bible study in an hour.
277
00:12:18,350 --> 00:12:19,884
All right, I'll see you!
278
00:12:24,054 --> 00:12:26,390
Whoa! There you
are! Thought you ran off.
279
00:12:26,490 --> 00:12:28,658
I was gonna put out an
A.P.B. for you or something!
280
00:12:28,759 --> 00:12:32,096
Hey, Pastor Johnson,
nice to see you again.
281
00:12:32,196 --> 00:12:34,966
Hey, would you give my mom a blessing?
282
00:12:35,066 --> 00:12:36,100
She doesn't have a
lot of time left here.
283
00:12:36,201 --> 00:12:37,134
Is she sick?
284
00:12:37,235 --> 00:12:39,571
No, this place is too pricey.
285
00:12:39,671 --> 00:12:42,741
Yes, I'd be happy to... I'll
give her the Pastor Joe Jackson...
286
00:12:42,841 --> 00:12:44,241
Johnson.
287
00:12:44,341 --> 00:12:47,845
Johnson, ultimate platinum prayer
package, platinum-style.
288
00:12:47,946 --> 00:12:49,980
Oh, wow, thank you very much. Boy!
289
00:12:50,081 --> 00:12:51,682
Burnin' Vernon and a man of God.
290
00:12:51,783 --> 00:12:54,519
My mom's gonna be so excited, she's
gonna have a heart attack.
291
00:12:54,619 --> 00:12:58,556
Come on, I'll show you! Hey, Ma!
292
00:12:58,655 --> 00:13:02,292
Go on, boys, fire up the De-Dazzler!
293
00:13:02,394 --> 00:13:05,663
Ooh, look at those boys
firing up the power.
294
00:13:05,763 --> 00:13:09,468
Who's ready to test my Shan-aurantee?
295
00:13:10,435 --> 00:13:11,937
Mom, you should do it.
296
00:13:13,738 --> 00:13:15,974
Your Re-Dazzles are
impossible to remove!
297
00:13:16,073 --> 00:13:17,608
Believe me, I've tried.
298
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:18,710
- Really?
- Yes.
299
00:13:18,810 --> 00:13:20,579
- You think?
- Yeah, go!
300
00:13:24,182 --> 00:13:26,250
I'll test your guarantee!
301
00:13:26,350 --> 00:13:30,455
Ooh! Step right up, Dazzlin' Debbie!
302
00:13:30,554 --> 00:13:32,723
Ooh, I'm going to send these dazzles...
303
00:13:32,823 --> 00:13:36,894
where they should have gone
long ago... straight to hell!
304
00:13:36,994 --> 00:13:38,964
Then they'll see you there.
305
00:13:40,865 --> 00:13:43,201
(DEVICE RUNNING)
306
00:13:57,182 --> 00:13:58,483
(DEVICE WHIRRING DOWN)
307
00:13:58,582 --> 00:14:01,452
Dazzles are here to stay!
308
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:05,690
Does that impress you much? Bitch.
309
00:14:09,226 --> 00:14:11,328
[SHANIA] I'll I need is a back-up.
310
00:14:14,633 --> 00:14:17,001
So, honey, I dance up to
the edge of the stage...
311
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:18,469
it's the big finale.
312
00:14:18,568 --> 00:14:21,572
I reach out and grab a hold
of the harness and up I fly!
313
00:14:21,672 --> 00:14:25,475
Over the crowd, like
a redneck Peter Pan!
314
00:14:25,576 --> 00:14:30,181
Well, about two months
later, Garth Brooks stole my trick.
315
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,917
I think I remember
seeing you do that trick.
316
00:14:34,018 --> 00:14:35,451
Remember that night, Mitchell?
317
00:14:35,552 --> 00:14:37,754
Yes, Mother, yes, yes, Knoxville.
318
00:14:37,855 --> 00:14:39,858
That was the night they
gave my ex-wife Cynthia...
319
00:14:39,957 --> 00:14:41,458
a backstage pass, sure, yeah.
320
00:14:41,558 --> 00:14:43,118
They picked her right out of the crowd!
321
00:14:43,159 --> 00:14:46,863
Oh, and she stayed out all
night long talking to the band!
322
00:14:46,964 --> 00:14:50,535
And your friendly drummer
gave her a ride home.
323
00:14:50,634 --> 00:14:54,471
God, yeah, she really liked concerts.
324
00:14:54,571 --> 00:14:56,740
How about that blessing, huh, Pastor?
325
00:14:56,841 --> 00:14:57,908
- Let's do it.
- Okay.
326
00:14:58,009 --> 00:15:01,278
Uh... let's all bow our heads.
327
00:15:01,378 --> 00:15:05,216
Dearly... dearly beloved...
328
00:15:05,316 --> 00:15:08,552
Jesus came down from the Heavens...
329
00:15:08,652 --> 00:15:12,624
or some refer to it as the
outer bound of our known galaxy.
330
00:15:14,359 --> 00:15:16,360
- His maker...
- Praise the Lord!
331
00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:18,562
- Amen!
- That's one theory.
332
00:15:18,663 --> 00:15:21,398
Another is that angels,
often refered to as the Anunaki...
333
00:15:21,499 --> 00:15:23,634
were in fact, an
ancient race of aliens...
334
00:15:23,734 --> 00:15:26,269
Amen!
335
00:15:26,369 --> 00:15:27,504
- Amen.
- Amen.
336
00:15:27,605 --> 00:15:28,672
Amen.
337
00:15:28,773 --> 00:15:31,209
Pastor Johnson? Oh, there you are!
338
00:15:31,308 --> 00:15:32,442
Ah... who might this be?
339
00:15:32,543 --> 00:15:34,111
- Hi, I'm Laura Beth.
- Hi.
340
00:15:34,211 --> 00:15:35,611
You might wanna go grab that pen...
341
00:15:35,647 --> 00:15:37,407
and let's do that
thing we was talking about.
342
00:15:37,447 --> 00:15:38,648
- Yeah.
- That's a good idea.
343
00:15:38,749 --> 00:15:40,585
- Hey, nice to meet you.
- Oh, you, too.
344
00:15:40,685 --> 00:15:41,485
Yeah.
345
00:15:41,586 --> 00:15:43,187
And what do you do, young lady?
346
00:15:43,288 --> 00:15:44,755
Oh, I work at the
church with Pastor Johnson.
347
00:15:44,855 --> 00:15:46,456
I'm the chair of the booster committee.
348
00:15:46,557 --> 00:15:49,427
So I guess you could
call me the booster chair!
349
00:15:52,196 --> 00:15:54,698
You mean Pastor Johnson.
350
00:15:54,798 --> 00:15:59,102
That strapping young
man is the Burnin' Vernon...
351
00:15:59,202 --> 00:16:02,106
one of country music's biggest stars.
352
00:16:04,008 --> 00:16:06,845
No disrespect, ma'am, but
this man is a convict...
353
00:16:06,945 --> 00:16:09,013
on his way to reform
through church service.
354
00:16:09,114 --> 00:16:11,449
And this man is Pastor Johnson...
355
00:16:11,548 --> 00:16:14,117
the minister of First Light Church.
356
00:16:14,217 --> 00:16:15,551
Mitchell! Mitchell!
357
00:16:15,653 --> 00:16:16,893
What, Mother? What, what, what?
358
00:16:16,953 --> 00:16:19,689
This young woman has me all in a tizzy!
359
00:16:19,791 --> 00:16:23,127
She says that Burnin'
Vernon is a minister...
360
00:16:23,226 --> 00:16:26,297
and Pastor Johnson is a convict!
361
00:16:26,397 --> 00:16:28,066
What?
362
00:16:29,467 --> 00:16:32,437
Oh, yeah, I think I
know what's going on here.
363
00:16:32,537 --> 00:16:35,105
Everybody like to step in the hallway...
364
00:16:35,205 --> 00:16:36,473
talk to me for a minute?
365
00:16:36,574 --> 00:16:38,109
Excuse me, Mother.
366
00:16:39,477 --> 00:16:41,413
She's a little drunk.
367
00:16:46,997 --> 00:16:48,265
Doily, I can explain.
368
00:16:48,364 --> 00:16:49,684
You know what? No need to at all.
369
00:16:49,766 --> 00:16:52,737
I knew this day was coming. I knew it.
370
00:16:53,871 --> 00:16:55,840
It's just sad when the mind slips...
371
00:16:55,940 --> 00:17:00,411
and one has to give in
to the ravages of old age.
372
00:17:00,510 --> 00:17:02,712
I can't believe she
couldn't tell the difference...
373
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:05,883
between Burnin' Vernon and a preacher.
374
00:17:05,982 --> 00:17:07,683
It's the worst.
375
00:17:07,785 --> 00:17:09,652
Well, we'll be praying for her.
376
00:17:09,754 --> 00:17:13,057
Sometimes I even
forget who I'm supposed to be.
377
00:17:13,156 --> 00:17:16,325
On the plus side, hopefully
her dementia will make her forget...
378
00:17:16,425 --> 00:17:19,429
about all my many,
many failings, I don't know.
379
00:17:26,370 --> 00:17:29,339
- You see that?
- Yeah.
380
00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:31,039
Now this is a really interesting item...
381
00:17:31,075 --> 00:17:34,144
and you sya that you were
told it's from the S.S. Minnow?
382
00:17:34,245 --> 00:17:36,213
That is correct, sir.
383
00:17:36,313 --> 00:17:38,215
Talked him down to $250.
384
00:17:38,315 --> 00:17:40,217
Okay, well, I will say
after looking it over...
385
00:17:40,316 --> 00:17:41,617
I do have some concerns.
386
00:17:41,718 --> 00:17:42,753
All right.
387
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,287
The first being, I see
an inscription here...
388
00:17:44,387 --> 00:17:45,489
that says, Made in China.
389
00:17:45,588 --> 00:17:47,223
Now we all know, in the mid-1960's...
390
00:17:47,324 --> 00:17:48,624
when Gilligan's Island was on the air...
391
00:17:48,725 --> 00:17:51,594
the U.S. actually had no
trade agreement with China.
392
00:17:51,694 --> 00:17:53,630
That didn't come until 1972.
393
00:17:53,730 --> 00:17:56,032
So, I'm also a little
concerned, because I see another...
394
00:17:56,133 --> 00:17:59,169
engraving here that tells me this
is in fact a prop replica.
395
00:17:59,269 --> 00:18:01,971
But not from Gilligan's Island.
396
00:18:02,072 --> 00:18:04,041
Okay, so like The
Love Boat or something?
397
00:18:04,141 --> 00:18:06,476
Ah, no, it's actually from
the beloved fast-casual...
398
00:18:06,575 --> 00:18:08,545
seafood restaurant, Shrimps-N-Such.
399
00:18:08,644 --> 00:18:11,147
See, it says Shrimps-N-Such?
400
00:18:11,248 --> 00:18:12,482
So how much is it worth?
401
00:18:12,583 --> 00:18:15,585
I would value it at probably $10.
402
00:18:18,255 --> 00:18:20,390
Sonofabitch!
403
00:18:21,488 --> 00:18:21,858
Well, this is interesting.
404
00:18:21,959 --> 00:18:25,395
That urn you just broke,
early Prussian, valued at $500.
405
00:18:25,496 --> 00:18:26,864
Oh, really?
406
00:18:28,097 --> 00:18:29,599
Next.
407
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:31,767
Oh, well now what do we have here?
You don't see these a lot.
408
00:18:31,867 --> 00:18:34,037
This is Polly, the
first doll with polio.
409
00:18:34,137 --> 00:18:36,572
Well, this was spiritual, but
I need to get out of here!
410
00:18:36,672 --> 00:18:38,709
I mean, a pastor signing autographs.
411
00:18:38,808 --> 00:18:42,445
You really do inspire the
light in people, Pastor Johnson.
412
00:18:45,649 --> 00:18:48,119
It's ghost pastor...
413
00:18:52,890 --> 00:18:56,093
Okay, Pastor Johnson,
this is Pastor Jenkins.
414
00:18:56,192 --> 00:19:00,797
Now hold on here, I thought
you said he was in a better...
415
00:19:02,865 --> 00:19:06,670
That just seems deliberately confusing.
416
00:19:06,769 --> 00:19:08,739
But it was nice
ministering to you good folks...
417
00:19:08,838 --> 00:19:11,707
but I gotta get back to
church for that Bible study.
418
00:19:11,807 --> 00:19:14,210
I took care of that when
I saw you were here.
419
00:19:14,310 --> 00:19:15,745
I called the Senior's Bible Club...
420
00:19:15,845 --> 00:19:17,547
and they're gonna step in for you.
421
00:19:17,648 --> 00:19:20,818
And that's how Jonah
finally got out of the whale.
422
00:19:20,918 --> 00:19:23,553
Now if you'll all turn in
the good book to Matthew...
423
00:19:23,652 --> 00:19:25,788
chapter five, in verse 32...
424
00:19:25,889 --> 00:19:31,529
we can discover the true
nature of the Lord's forgiving love.
425
00:19:33,530 --> 00:19:35,865
That's mighty Christian of you.
426
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:38,133
Well, I'm gonna take you
back to your room, Pastor Jenkins.
427
00:19:38,233 --> 00:19:40,553
You'll get to talk with
these fellas some more next time...
428
00:19:40,604 --> 00:19:42,306
because we're here every week.
429
00:19:42,405 --> 00:19:43,965
Uh, I'm supposed to be here every week?
430
00:19:43,973 --> 00:19:46,675
Yes, well, it is the best
way to increase attendance.
431
00:19:46,776 --> 00:19:49,412
We just keep coming back until
we can convince them...
432
00:19:49,512 --> 00:19:53,183
that we are the little
church that could!
433
00:19:55,552 --> 00:19:58,556
Okay, let's go. We'll see y'all.
434
00:20:00,983 --> 00:20:03,126
I think I'm getting an idea.
435
00:20:07,064 --> 00:20:10,200
- That's right... come on.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
436
00:20:10,299 --> 00:20:12,001
That's right.
437
00:20:12,102 --> 00:20:14,504
Well here you go ya
grateful geezers
438
00:20:14,604 --> 00:20:16,774
Come on down and
bring your tweezers
439
00:20:16,873 --> 00:20:18,993
My name's Pastor Johnson
of the First Light Church
440
00:20:19,008 --> 00:20:21,310
I'll be puddin' the
Lord in your life
441
00:20:21,411 --> 00:20:23,714
Puddin' the Lord in your life
442
00:20:23,814 --> 00:20:26,048
Puddin' the Lord in your life
443
00:20:26,149 --> 00:20:27,985
Puddin' the Lord in your life
444
00:20:28,085 --> 00:20:30,854
Puddin' the Lord in your life
445
00:20:30,953 --> 00:20:32,855
Puddin' the Lord in your life
446
00:20:32,956 --> 00:20:35,592
Puddin' the Lord in your life
447
00:20:35,691 --> 00:20:37,861
Puddin' the Lord in your life
448
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,195
Puddin' the Lord in your life
449
00:20:40,296 --> 00:20:42,665
Puddin' the Lord in
your life sweet be
450
00:20:42,766 --> 00:20:44,801
Puddin' the Lord in your life
451
00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:47,604
Puddin' the Lord in your life
452
00:20:47,703 --> 00:20:49,521
Puddin' the Lord in your life
453
00:20:49,571 --> 00:20:54,121
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