Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his Kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

- My turn. - Hell no.

Man, let me drive that thing!

Do not touch the trim!

DAN HALEN: For the last time, no one gets in or out

except the names on this list, which must remain sealed

so that you may never know any of the names on this list.

But... if I don't know the names on the list,

how am I gonna know who to let...

Just be at the undisclosed location at a time

and date of my choosing to allow my guests in and out

without knowing who or where they are

at any given time or place!

Members only.

Members of what?

The Knights of the Noble Order

of the Mystic Turquoise Goblet...

Damn it, I've said it.

Here, sign this nondisclosure agreement.

Not there! On the line.

Is that the writing end or not?

Other security, get him out of here!

I can't see him. Can you lead me to him?

Your incompetence displeases the goblet!

Get out! Oh, hello.

Merely a spirited game of pin the tail on the donkey.

The donkey's over there, fools!

The buckle! It is the mark of the turquoise goblet!

The Knights of the Noble Order

of the Mystic "Turquoise Goblet"?

Why, that's an old wives' tale.

Everybody knows that.

God damn it! They know about us.

But how?! You stupid belt buckle.

[ GRUNTS ]

They must never know about us...

ever again.

Did you see the goblet? Did it talk to you?

Did it speak with a accent?

I... I don't know a damn thing about

who or what you're talking about, Early.

Well, you about to.

Just look closely at this $20 bill.

- How'd you get $20? - That's right.

It's Dan Halen, chugging from a turquoise goblet.

I can't see nothing.

Aw, hell! They erased it!

They did?

The Turquoise Knights is trying to discredit me.

Play me for a fool!

Well, two can play at that game!

Early, what are you doing?

Drugs, you dumb ass. [ SNORTS ]

God damn! Shit! Whoo!

Feel that drip!

All right, you ready?

Step inside the Fact Shack.

You about to be truthitized.

♪♪

[ GASPS ]

EARLY: Watch your step! Whoa, whoa!

- Hey, hey, come on, now! - Oh, sorry.

I had a tenuous thread linking Hillary Clinton

to the disappearance of JonBenét Ramsey,

and you just walked right through it!

Sorry, Early, I had no idea the conspiracy ran this deep.

Hang on. Let me make some more connections.

Everything you see here is completely unrelated,

and yet, somehow,

I was able to tie it all back to the Turquoise Knights.

You ever wonder why our currency

ain't tied to the turquoise standard no more?

Because turquoise has no monetary or aesthetic value?

Possibly.

Now that you said it, it makes sense. Damn it!

But who do you think done 9/11, huh?

Are you saying the Turquoise Knights...

Of course not. The Jews done that one.

That was the only way they could control Mars.

Are you even looking at the red string?

[ COUGHS ] These gas fumes in here are killing me.

Yeah, the Fact Shack is also where I keep my oily rags,

my broke-up lawn mower, and all that mess.

You wanna gas huff?

Got plenty. [ INHALES ]

Oh, damn, this is funner than hell!

What are you saying the... The... the Turquoise Knights?

Oh, yeah. Them.

Who knows what they got up they sleeve at this

very cotton-pickin' moment?!

I appreciate you taking a chance on my wife's catering business.

So, how many, uh...

Turquoise Knights will we be needing to accommodate here?

25 white men, and one cup, yes.

So 26.

Okay, the cup will be eating, as well.

Uh... here's something festive and bite-size...

These, uh, BBQ poppers.

You offer me the crudest of meats

slathered in sugary ketchup

to feed to the most powerful men in the North Georgia Region?!

- We could revisit... - No.

I want this buffet to be Darwinian...

An extinction feast! [ LAUGHS ]

We will eat the last of a species!

Whoo! Looky, looky.

Somebody's got some mail they don't know how to read.

Look! It's the seal of the goblet!

"Dear Purple, Shriveled, Potential Meat Source...

The honor of your presence is requested by..."

DAN HALEN: "None of your business at an evening and time

that is only of our concern at a location

that is completely secret and not to be disclosed!

Signed, Keep Your Damned Mouth Shut!"

Well, what's the dress code?

Cocktail or formal?

Oh, you can just wear this bacon cloak.

Rub this minced garlic on your less-than-ample bosom.

Not the first time I've been asked to do that!

There we go. Now go on, climb inside.

Roll around in that breading.

Get the cornmeal in every disgusting crevasse.

Not the first time I've been asked to do that!

...you've been asked to do that.

Yes, I heard your stale sexual innuendo.

You won't be missed!

I guess I'll see you at the thing, Mr. Halen.

You will not see anything at anything!

Okay.

Early?

- Shh. - That's the axle, Early.

It's the what now?

Aah! Aah! Aah!

♪♪

SHERIFF: Uh, sir?

Sir, I can't know who you are, so if you're on the list here,

just grab you a wristband and...

Oh, I think he's gone.

That there was a squirrel.

Now, listen. We need to get that cup on tape

telling them cloaked figures what to do.

Are you telling me the cup talks?

It spouts the wisdom of the ancients.

It tells riddles of lost civilizations.

And it don't worry itself with no PC police, neither!

So... it's racist.

Yeah, pretty racist. Professionally so.

It's nice to finally hear a cup say out loud

what everybody's already thinking.

Gobleteers, may I have your attention?

Don't fill up on these sub-standard BBQ poppers,

for tonight, we shall feast on finer fare.

I present to you...

The last known Appalachian mud squid!

[ CROWD GASPS ]

Oh, I'm not the last one.

I got a son, I got a grandson,

I got a infrequently-featured daughter.

Here, here.

Lap up the bourbon glaze from your navel.

Oh, okay.

Soon the twilight will overtake you.

Should I be worried about this?

EARLY: Oh, hell, it's lit! Here, swallow my smartphone.

I've set it to record all audio.

Well, uh... all right.

[ GAGGING ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

You got anything to chase this with?

No. No liquids.

My smartphone don't do good in moisture.

Here, swallow this cat litter.

It'll absorb the moisture.

My smartphone don't do good in... in moisture.

Everyone, everyone, the cup wishes to speak!

I will wet my finger and trace the lip of the goblet,

and truths shall be told!

This is Early Cuyler, and I've gotten inside the goblet walls,

and we about to blow the lid wide open

on the Turquoise Knights!

[ GOBLET RINGING ]

Everyone, get nude.

You heard the cup...

Everyone disrobe and dance buck naked among the flame!

Make out, make out like the wind.

Do as the cup says. Moisten tongues!

Inject them into each other's mouths!

We can't afford to be exposed here, Sheriff.

Take them clothes off and kiss me. Hard!

[ CHUCKLES ] When in Rome...

Mmm, yeah.

Oh, wise turquoise grail!

Where do you see our deeply misunderstood,

all-male, nude collective going in the next five years?

I'm going to say the N-word.

Please don't say the N-word. It's very off-putting.

They call each other that all the time in their music.

- Let it go. - It's a double standard.

No, it is not a double standard!

We've been over this.

What in the...

[ ALL GASP ]

Are you getting this?

Point your butthole toward the sky!

♪♪

Hey, you guys happen to see a turquoise travel mug?

We lost it here a few millennia ago

when we were seeding your planet with life.

Looks kind of like your belt buckle.

And that big wicker cup.

- And that banner. - And that cake.

- And the t-shirts. - And that ice sculpture.

And the full-body tattoo on that guy's back.

Look, you'd know it if you saw it... it talks.

Very intent on starting a dialogue about race relations,

and not a good one, either.

No, no.

No one here has ever seen this cup you describe.

Or heard it, in all of its infinite wisdom.

Oh, man. You have been listening to it, haven't you?

Tell me you didn't put your lips on it at any point.

Yeah, it's definitely more of a toilet than it is a cup.

Are you saying I've been drinking

from a racially intolerant handheld chamber pot

for over 100 years?!

Yeah, pretty much.

Hey, anywhere we can get gas around here... but cheap gas?

We all know how stingy your gas stations are.

I mean, the 93 octane

is 9 cents more a gallon than the 87 octane,

and there's no noticeable difference in performance!

I mean, we found a place that's what?

$1.39 a gallon, but then you're talking travel time

in between and then back.

It's simple math right there.

You got your mileage and then your travel time and then,

of course, your general inconvenience of going,

how many miles is that out of my way...

SHERIFF: Then they talked on and on

about gas prices for a while.

That's about when I left,

and that's basically how it happened.

Okay. All right.

The whole squid-extinction dinner thread...

What happened... What happened there?

Oh, well, they decided after all not to eat her.

And it turns out they weren't hungry.

I don't really know.

The aliens mind-erased me, see.

Well, that's certainly one explanation

for how this smartphone ended up in your, uh...

caboose.

But see the rectal tearing here and there?

That seems to indicate that the phone was, uh, forcibly

inserted through the... The ol' outdoor.

But I... I swallowed it!

I sure as hell didn't put it up there for sexual pleasure,

if that's what you're thinking.

Oh, it's not just what I'm thinking.

- Then I want a second opinion! - Fine, here.

Do you believe a word of this bullshit

about the aliens and the talking cup?

[ HIGH-PITCHED ] Hell no.

Made in Georgia.

Corrected & Synced by Bakugan