Original subtitles

Tim. You got my message. Good.

What are you doing up here?

I sometimes come up here to think. Hey, you want some?

Any chance that is actually coffee?

No.

Do you know the question I have to ask myself every single day?

Am I sober?

It's this, Tim - do the ends always justify the means?

- No. - Probably, but it's a grey area.

- Not really. - That's why I wanna be sure, that my agents understand my ethics.

I think I understand your ethics perfectly.

I knew I could count on you. Hang on a sec.

Hey, you ready to talk yet?

Never.

Well, let me know when you are. Sorry, where were we?

Ethics.

Right.

SPY S02E09 Codename: Pulp Friction Sync, corrected by mercurian

Tell how much you've got?

500 pounds.

Just for getting a story published?

What's it about?

Existential relativism. And a killer robot that tries to eat itself.

Are you going to be a famous author then?

Probably, yeah.

What are you doing in here?

One short story and he thinks he's Tolstoy.

- So write something yourself. - I did. An entire novel, actually.

You've written a novel? Mmm. It never got published.

What if I could make you into a famous author,

more famous than Nick could ever hope to be?

- Really? - But you would have to do exactly what I tell you to do.

- OK. - I mean exactly. Do you swear?

I swear.

Turn that off.

Sorry.

I can't believe I'm going to be 30! That's so old.

Well, at least you've got a boyfriend.

What?

I don't know, it's just that...

You can't tell anyone this...

What?

Don't you love him?

Sometimes I'm not sure I even like him.

He can be so rude and insensitive.

He must have his moments?

You would have thought. It's always me doing nice things for him.

He's never cooked me dinner, or bought me flowers,

or offered to clean my nine millimetre.

Well, you wait, I'm sure he's got a great birthday present lined up.

All I'll say is that he better.

Because I don't know if this can go on much longer.

Can the ends justify the means, Tim?

Please stop doing that.

Well?

I'm not sure.

What are you talking about?

It's got everything - romance, action, betrayal...

- Lizards. - We can lose the lizards. The lizards are not a deal breaker.

I'm sorry. I just don't think this is one for us.

At least we tried little man.

At least now you can make that final journey without any regrets.

Final journey?

Didn't I mention it? Yeah, he's dying.

- He's what? - I'm what!

Poor kid, still in denial.

This is awful. What's wrong with him?

I don't want to go into specifics. It's rather graphic.

Come on, champ.

I suppose I just had this crazy dream that this little guy's fading

memory would be of his novel sitting proudly on some best seller list.

And of a publisher who dared to take a chance.

- That was your plan? - Wait!

How about we make that dream come true?

What do you say, Marcus?

Thank you.

- Hey. - Hey.

So, Caitlin's birthday on Thursday.

- Yeah. - The big three zero.

Mhm. You haven't got her anything have you?

I got something on order.

What?

No, nothing.

- Tim! - OK, it's... I overheard her talking to Lisa before

- and she is freaking out about turning 30. - Really?

Yeah. She said she doesn't want anyone to get her anything.

- Not me though. - Especially you.

I think she just wants the whole thing to go by completely unnoticed.

But I can't get her nothing.

- Well, she'd prefer it. - Tim, I'm not getting her nothing.

OK, sure, if you feel you must disregard her wishes

- at least get her something functional, eh? - Functional?

Yeah, you know how she hates all that romantic stuff.

Right, yeah. Of course.

Get her some nail-clippers or some deodorant or a toaster.

What about flowers?

If you want her to dump you.

I shouldn't have said anything.

No, you did the right thing.

Well, just trying to look out for my bro.

You're a good guy, Tim.

Yeah. Listen, probably best we don't mention any of this to her, eh?

- I'm not sure about this. - Would you stop worrying?

I thought you wanted to get your book published.

- I do but not by lying. - Who's even going to know?

- I will. - I don't understand.

Chris, they think I'm dying!

I know, isn't it awesome!

No, I'm sorry.

You're just going to have to call them and tell them that...

Can you make it out to "my best friend Phil".

Sorry, what do you want me to tell them?

Tell them I want to see cover designs by this afternoon.

OK, here's another one.

You've invited a lady friend over for a quick glass of wine

and at some point between 9.00,

9.15 you may have accidentally killed her.

What are your ethical obligations?

You tell the police.

Anyone else?

- You looking forward to your birthday? - Hello? This is me, remember!

- Yeah. - Have you got me a present?

I'm working on it.

But it won't be anywhere near as good as Portis' though.

- What? - Whoops. - Has Portis got me a present?

- It's not for me to... - Tim! - OK! Yes, but I don't know what.

Spoke to him earlier and he said it cost him a fortune.

I can't believe it! He's usually not very romantic.

Looks like someone's turning over a new leaf.

Don't tell him I said anything though.

Wouldn't want to spoil the surprise.

- I won't say a word. - What do you reckon, Tim?

- Huh? - To the question? - Question?

Whether the ends justify the means?

It's a grey area.

Good lad.

OK, next, you accidentally sleep with your second cousin. Discuss.

I'm here outside St Benjamin's school in south west London

where today Marcus Elliot...

...a remarkable ten-year-old boy

has landed the publishing deal of a lifetime.

But what makes this story so special apart from his prodigious talent?

It's simple - Marcus Elliot is dying.

Have you lost your mind!

- It was his idea. - I am actually going to kill you.

No, now wait. I can see this has come as a bit of a surprise

but can't we discuss it rationally?

- You're twisted! - I appreciate your feedback.

You are going to call whoever you need to call right now

- and tell them the truth. - Or...

Chris. Just do it now.

OK, fine. Suppose I'll have to return this.

What is that?

What, this?

No, this is just the advance I negotiated on a three book deal.

How much is there, just out of interest?

200,000.

I was going to split it with you guys but...

- What about me? - Grown-ups are talking.

That's like 70,000 each.

I guess so. Anyhoo, I should be off...

No!

No?

Let's just take a minute to really think about this.

I mean, what's the actual harm?

It's not as if Marcus is actually sick.

And who knows, maybe this book will actually cheer up other

genuinely sick children.

I don't know. Are we despicable people for even thinking about this?

You are completely despicable!

In all my years, I have never seen anything so disgusting or grotesque.

You should be ashamed!

- What did you say to her? - Well, what could I say?

I just pulled up my pants and referred her to another therapist.

Now thanks for coming in.

I thought we could press on with getting these adoption papers signed.

Adoption papers?

Well, I assume you're getting shot of

Tiny Tim now that he's on his way out.

You've seen the news then?

Certainly did. Thought we could celebrate your liberation.

OK, well, leaving aside your unbelievable crassness,

Marcus isn't sick.

Really?

Chris made up the illness to get his novel published.

But I bought Pringles?

I think you're right, Tim, we have to tell the truth.

Yes, the truth should always be our guiding beacon.

It's decided then. We give the money back tomorrow.

- Money? - 200,000.

I mean, what is "the truth"?

Isn't the real truth just

mother and father wanting the best for their beloved child?

- Ten per cent. - 15.

- 11. - Done.

Hey! You can't go in there!

Is it true? Is Marcus really ill?

Yeah.

Chocolate or carrot?

Mmm, bit of both.

Good for you!

- I brought you your mango juice. - Thanks.

It's been tough but your support means so much to us

at this difficult time.

You should get some rest.

Got to hand it to you. You've really got them going.

I don't know what you're talking about.

It must be so frustrating to have such a mysterious illness.

- Do you want to say something to me? - I'm saying it.

You might be able to fool them but you don't fool me.

Come on, Nick, we really must let Marcus get some rest now.

Sorry, sir. I was just wishing him a speedy recovery.

Well, unfortunately that's not likely to happen.

I don't know about that. I am a big believer in miracles.

Amen to that.

That's so kind.

How's he doing?

Yeah, he's fine.

You are taking this so well.

No, it's difficult, obviously,

but, you know, you just... got to stay positive.

Hey! That kid's a fighter.

Yeah, if you don't mind, I'd actually rather not talk about it.

- Sorry, man. - Sorry.

Yeah. I mean, let's think of happier things,

like Caitlin's birthday tomorrow.

You haven't got me anything, have you?

Haven't really thought about it.

That's cool.

Heard about the kid.

Yep. Thanks.

There are options.

Options?

- No! - It's quick.

- No! - Painless. - Do not shoot my son.

Let me know.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you feeling?

I'm fine, thanks.

Do you remember when you gave me this?

- Yes. - I just want you to know, I'll always keep it with me.

Justine, I have to tell you something...

Is there a problem? I've got Salman Rushdie on the phone.

Are you coming?

You were about to say something?

It was nothing. Here. For you.

I don't need a photo to remember you, Marcus.

Is someone in there?

Tim.

What are you doing in here? What's wrong?

- Nothing. - Well, I can see that.

I'm pathetic.

No you're not. What is it?

I found it in Portis' desk.

He's bought me a breadmaker.

And you've already got one?

It's my 30th birthday, Tim.

And my boyfriend's bought me a sodding kitchen appliance.

I'm sorry.

No, it's my fault. I knew what he was like.

I deserve a man like Portis.

No, you don't. You deserve much better.

I don't know anymore.

Come on, don't be like that.

Hey, here, I've got something that might cheer you up.

- What's this? - Well, it was meant to be for tomorrow,

but it looks like you could do with it now.

For me?

What is it? Open it.

I know you really like penguins so...

OK. That's that then...

We should probably...

Sorry...

OK, tomorrow then.

Excellent. You...

Goodnight.

- But we're through the worst of it. - I don't care. We have to end it now!

- You are panicking. - It's wrong, Chris. - Or is it? - Yes!

The voice of reason.

We have to end this now!

Not you too.

I feel horrible, Chris. Lying to my friends.

- I can't believe I let you talk us into this. - Me?

- Yes, in our heads with your poison. - Little dramatic.

We're finishing it right here, right now.

- What do we have to do? - I don't know.

- What? - What was your plan to get out of it?

- Didn't have one. - God, we're all going to go to prison!

- Even me? - Especially you.

No, look it's obvious. Marcus just has to get better.

- Just like that? - Well, no-one really knew what was wrong with him.

We can't suddenly declare he's better. People will ask questions.

We'll just get a doctor to give him the all clear.

And where are we going to find that?

Your patient Marcus Elliot was terminally ill

and yet just one week later he's fully recovered.

Tell us, Doctor, are you a miracle worker?

No. Maybe, no.

Look, obviously it's a tremendous outcome,

but I can't take all the credit.

Maybe 90-95% was me.

So can you tell us a bit more about this terrifying illness

- of which so little is known? - Of course.

The disease, Martin, targets the upper right ventricle

and the left patella causing restricted blood flow in the...

'head-ular' area.

The right ventricle and the left patella.

That's the heart and the kneecap, isn't it?

That's right. I wasn't aware they affected each other.

Yes. Very common interplay.

So what was your course of treatment that proved so successful?

Well, it was a multipronged approach,

but essentially it boiled down to plenty of fresh air,

- lots of orange squash and some decent afternoon telly. - Right.

Forgive me for asking, but are you a medical doctor?

- Medical or clinical? - Medical. - No.

- Clinical? - No.

The boy wasn't ill, was he?

- That is an absolute... - It was a scam.

Yep.

To get the book published.

You have to admit, it's pretty funny!

They're paying me ten grand just to do this.

And I can report that as of this morning every single copy

of Marcus Elliot's novel has been burnt by the publishers

who said they wanted nothing more to do with this sordid conspiracy.

Back to you in the studio.

Do you have anything to say for yourself?

No.

How could you?

After everything I did for you. I feel so betrayed.

- What! - I'm sorry. I don't think I can be around you right now.

But it was all his idea. He made me do it.

I'm sorry, Philip.

- Julian, can't really stop. - I've been trying to call you.

Great! Send my love to the kids.

- Never mind about that, where's our money? - About that.

- I am having a few liquidity issues. - I want that money.

- Now's not really a good time. Can you call me? - I did.

OK. Love to the kids.

I don't have kids.

OK, look, I'm sorry.

OK? Things got a little bit out of hand.

I never meant to mislead you and I apologise.

OK? Can you just forgive me? Come on, what do you say?

Need a bit more time.

Why did you do it?

You really want to know? Because I was jealous.

Jealous of Nick, of you and Nick.

You did a bad thing.

I know.

Hiya.

Look, it's Tim. If that is indeed your name?

Sorry I lied. I wanted Marcus to get his book published.

- What were you thinking? - I don't know.

- Did you even read the book before you got into all this? - No.

It was all about lizards and chess.

- Do you forgive me? - Of course I forgive you. You're an idiot.

But you're not a cruel idiot.

What?

We kissed. It was nice.

Aren't you forgetting Portis?

I'm trying to.

Boss wants to see you.

Happy birthday!

Is this all for me? Thank you.

So you lied about the kid?

That's hilarious!

Open mine first!

Wow. I wonder what this could be.

Well, if you liked that, watch this. It could be good.

- A breadmaker. - The best you can get. - You shouldn't have.

It's got all these attachments inside.

- Yeah, I'll look later. - No, come on baby. They want to see.

What's this?

Caitlin, will you marry me?

OK.

You're right. That was brilliant!

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