Original subtitles

Stuffed. Do you want that?

Your half-dribbled sausage?

Yeah, go on.

- Well, I guess this is goodbye. - What do you mean? It's not goodbye.

Custody hearing's not till this afternoon.

I know. But I think we both know it's all over.

- It's not over. - It's over.

- Tell him it's not over. - No, it's definitely over.

I would like to say that I've enjoyed this time we've spent together.

Oh, me too. I know we...

No, please, let me finish.

I would like to say that, but I can't.

I still find you a staggeringly hebetudinous individual.

Mmm, right. Well, that's not even a word, so...

You don't know what hebetudinous means?

- No, Marcus, no-one does. - Oh, dear.

Well, anyway, as they say on LA Law, see you in court.

What a tool.

- Shut up. Just shut up. - What's your problem?

Do you have any idea what it's like to face

- losing a child? - My parents only died when I was six.

So, no, please do tell me some more about abandonment.

- Your parents live in Sussex - Well, we don't speak.

No, you don't speak, Chris,

because you're incapable of having an adult relationship.

I've worked my behind off

to improve my life. I don't have a quarter of your intelligence.

- An eighth, probably, but... - And what do you do

with all this talent? Nothing. You're wasting away

in a crappy, dead-end job

picking stupid fights with stupid customers. And you wanna know why?

- No. - Because you're scared.

And it's so much easier, isn't it, just to reject everything. Everyone.

Life, before life rejects you.

Oh, sorry, I drifted off at the end there.

- Get out. - Fine.

You're the last person I need around me today.

You know what? Marcus is right. You are hebetudinous.

Yeah, well, I still don't know what that word means.

- Scan in progress. - I'm telling you, every time.

- Identified. Tim Elliott. - See? What?

No.

That's never happened before.

Identified. Tim Elliott.

OK, gang, here we go. Final exams. Come on, start taking

- your places. Tim, quick word? - Sir.

I have a proposition for you.

I am very grateful, but I don't wanna go on holiday with you.

No, not that. No.

Every year we send one of our new recruits on secondment with the CIA

in exchange for one of their guys.

- You thought of me? - What do you say?

Well... l can't give you an answer right now,

I've got my son's custody hearing this afternoon.

About that. Are you sure you don't want my people to, um...

Ka-ka, ka-poom!

Puh! You know?

- Absolutely positive. - OK. Consider it done.

- No. - No?

- But I thought... - Shh, listen to me very carefully.

Do not shoot my ex-wife.

- Is that understood? - Relax. Ooph!

But apart from the kids, you're good to go.

I could give you an answer by the end of the day.

OK. The villa in Tenerife is booked if you change your mind.

- Never gonna happen. - Perfect. Let me know.

- What did he want? - It was nothing.

OK, ladies and gentlemen.

Please, turn over your papers.

Terrific.

- Bravo! - Very moving.

- Wasn't too much? - No way.

- Definitely not. - I don't wanna alienate the judge.

Trust me, the court will lap it up.

So what's next?

What do you reckon? Tim's cross ex?

No, I think we need to more work on Judith's examination-in-chief.

- I agree. - OK.

We've got a case to win, people.

- Do you mind? - Well, I was sitting here first.

- Yeah. - Unbelievably rude.

- Sausage? - No, thanks.

Seems like a lifetime ago that we were first sat here.

Yeah. And to think we now know 137 different ways to kill people.

We do. And not just innocent bystanders.

- Even the occasional bad guy - Absolutely.

How do you think the hearing will go?

- Well, you met Paula. - Right.

I'm sure Marcus wants to stay with you

- more than he lets on. - Yeah.

Woke up this morning with him nailing a farewell banner to my roof.

Sure you don't want me to come with you?

No. I'm fine.

I could poison some of the witnesses.

That's very sweet but... no, really.

- Hey, shouldn't you get going? - Yes.

Yes, I...

Yeah, damn.

- What? - Nothing, it can wait.

- No, go on. What is it? - OK, there's something

that I wanted to say. To ask you, really.

- Yeah? - OK?

OK, um. Yeah, no. It's...

OK, no.

So, OK. Well, yeah, no. The thing is...

I think I know what the thing is.

You do?

Yeah. No, I've been wanting to

ask the same thing.

- Really? - Really.

- Cos that... that's good, then. - It is good, isn't it?

- So can we talk later? - Absolutely.

- You promise? - Promise.

Now go. You'll be late.

Oh, yeah. Yeah...

- I'm not sure if I care. - Tim, go.

- OK. - Good luck

- Need any help? - Yes, these scanners.

- Oh, it's you. - Sorry?

- You stay away from me - Do I know you?

So easy to mock me, Mr Smarty Pants.

Just because I don't know exactly which scanner to buy.

The XR-10's a good model.

Oh, is it? Is it?

Ah. Well, bad luck,

Cos I'm not falling for your cynical ruse.

No, honestly, it's our best seller.

How dare you!

I'm a strong, independent man. I control my environment.

I... Are you even listening to me?

No.

Good luck

Court rise!

No way. You're kidding.

That is hilarious.

That's madness.

Listen, Dave, I should, er... All right, mate, take care.

Bye. Bye-bye

Yeah.

Wednesday, yeah. Looking forward to it.

OK. Bye. bye...

That was Dave. He was just, um...

Ah, no, it doesn't matter. It's fine. Okeey-doke.

- Everyone here? - Yes, sir.

Crikey, you don't have many supporters.

- No, sir. - Bit screwed, aren't you?

I am now.

Wait!

- Who are you? - I'm Mr Elliott's counsel.

Christopher Cecil Pitt Goddard.

Son of the Right Honourable Lord Hugh DeMarmsely Goddard.

Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife.

Sorry, I'm a bit over-excited.

Cecil?

Is this correct? Is Mr Pitt Goddard your counsel?

Yes, sir.

Marvellous. Let's get this party started. Bang! Mr Wilkes, shoot.

Take all the time you need.

I'm sorry.

This is just such a difficult time for me.

A mother, forced to battle for the love of her son.

It's awful, so, so awful.

Shame on you, sir.

With respect, Your Honour, my client, being the father,

is equally distraught at having to negotiate

for the affection of his only son.

Yes, forgotten that. Good point. One-all.

- How am I doing? - I'm sorry?

I'm a bit out of practice. I've been off for ten months travelling around Indonesia

with the family. Tremendously rich country, culturally. Have you been?

- No, not yet. - Mr Goddard?

Oh, um, I was an aid worker in the Palangkaraya district

- in '98. - Really?

Get on with it, Mr Wilkes.

Idiot.

Please could you tell your findings to the court, Ms Abdul?

Your name is Paula Abdul?

Over the several weeks I worked with the family,

it became increasingly clear to me that Mr Elliott

was not capable of forming the emotional bonds necessary

to be a satisfactory guardian for Marcus.

And so it's your recommendation that Marcus ought to live with his mother.

Absolutely. With immediate effect.

Blimey. Rather ballses up your case, doesn't it?

Ms Abdul, would you please remove your shirt?

- What? - I object!

Mr Goddard, I like to relax as much as the next man,

but this is hardly the time.

If you indulge me, sir, I will prove beyond doubt

that Paula Abdul is in fact obsessed with my client.

And that as a result of him consistently rejecting her advances

she is now seeking to punish him in the most grotesque way imaginable!

- Nonsense. - Your Honour, I strongly object to this.

Come on, off with it.

- What?! - It's kit-off time.

I tell you what - so you don't feel persecuted, I'll take my top off too.

Can't say fairer than that, eh?

May I get dressed now?

What were you thinking?

Turn around, please.

- Oh, bloody hell. - Wow.

He's dead inside. He doesn't know how to love!

Yeah, well, your evidence is, like, totally whatever right now.

This is ridiculous! Your Honour, Tim cannot offer the balanced home life

that Marcus needs. Philip and I would provide the guidance

of a father and a mother. Tim has no-one in his life.

No wife, no girlfriend. He is incapable of love.

- But, Your Honour, Tim is in love. - Are you?

- Am I? - Tim is in love with a woman

he works with, Caitlin Banks.

- Is this true? - I think so.

Sir, it is the best kind of love.

The kind of love you dare not admit to yourself

in case you are mistaken.

A love born out of a friendship and a trust.

A love of which you're not even aware

until one day the very sight of her causes all the oxygen in your lungs

to escape, leaving your heart a vacuum.

And so it remains, gasping, until resuscitated by a simple smile.

Tim is capable of love, sir.

Love for a woman,

love for a friend...

...and love for a son.

That was excellent.

Tell me, does this Caitlin, does she reciprocate?

I don't know. I think so.

I haven't actually been able to tell her exactly how I feel.

- You must! - Yes, sir.

- Now! - Right. Aren't we...?

- I've heard enough. - Your Honour!

Shut your face, Wilkes!

I'll consider this matter and issue my judgment later today. Now, go!

- Thank you. - Go!

Yes, right, no, going.

Yes! Ooh!

Ah, Still got it.

Go get her, Tim!

Tim!

Tim, this is Special Agent Portis.

- Special Agent... - CIA.

- Call me Marion. - Why?

- It's my name. - Your name's Marion?

- I know, it's a little... - Gay?

- Unusual. - Tim.

Sorry, just saying...

It's OK, sweetie, I heard 'em all before.

- I'm sure he's just kidding around. - Well...

And if he isn't, I'll have to kill him.

Terrific.

Why does he keep kissing her?

- It's a remarkable story, isn't it? - They haven't told him yet.

- Told me what? - Can I tell it?

- No. - No, Portis should do it.

- No. You tell it, honey. - No, it's...

Tell me the damn story!

If you feel like it.

I mean, I'm easy.

Well...

I was on a deniable black ops mission

in the Chengguan District of Tibet

infiltrating the regional Chinese-backed administration.

The United States Government have been worried about the Chinese economy...

Rah-rah-rah-rah-rah. Could we just skip to the capture and brutal torture?

Well, the good news is, I wasn't tortured.

Just roughly groped.

What? No.

Why would you say that?

Sorry. I thought it's what you meant.

Absolutely not.

- Good. Brilliant. - I was held in captivity

unmolested, for about 20 months...

- 20 months. - ...until I eventually escaped

and walked...

- Walked. - ...all the way to Nepal,

and freedom.

I love that bit.

- Incredible story, isn't it? - It's an incredible story, it really is.

It is particularly incredible

that I'm only hearing this for the first time now.

Portis was declared dead over a year ago.

Right, well, they were wrong about that, weren't they?

They sure were.

Sorry, so just to recap, how exactly did you two become friends?

I'd say we're a bit more than friends.

Oh!

How much more?

- Well, we were... - We were engaged, Tim.

What?

- They were engaged. - What do you think of that, huh?

I...

All I can think right now is...

We have an intruder in the building. You know what to do. Let's go.

Come in!

- Is this a bad time? - Rats.

I don't know if you remember me from court.

Yes, of course. I'm really not allowed to discuss the case with you.

I understand. It's just that I have some important new evidence

which I think you need to take into consideration.

- What kind of evidence? - The best kind.

Exhibit 34B, my lord.

I love my job so much.

- Why are you being like this? - I don't know what you're talking about.

- Are you angry with me? - Why would I be angry?

One of my work acquaintances

has just been reunited with the love of her life. It's a glorious day!

He's not the love of my life.

Well, don't worry! I'm sure he'll love himself enough for the both of you.

Stop it.

I thought he was dead. He was my fiance and he died. Can't you see

I'm going a little bit crazy here?

I really thought you, of all people, would understand. God!

- How did the hearing go? - You were gonna tell me something before.

- Tim... - What were you gonna tell me?

I don't remember. It's gone.

Or maybe it'll come back to you, eh?

Maybe.

So is he gonna live with you?

Or are you both gonna move into his crystal fortress?

- Don't be like that. - Sorry.

Seriously, though.

- Is his cape machine-washable? - Ohh!

All I can say is wow-wee.

And I assume I can expect another favourable judgment from you?

Hmm? What, the case? I'm afraid I've already written that.

What?

Sorry, didn't I make that clear?

I've already sent it up to the senior judge for sign-off.

I feel bad now.

Please don't hurt me!

- What the hell are you doing? - Caitlin?

- You're pathetic. - No!

I'm preparing an ambush!

- Slut. - Knob.

Armed police!

Don't move!

It's OK, I've got him now.

Crisis over. CIA, baby!

Whoo!

So... let's see who we've got here.

Ah-ha-ha!

Hey-eh! That was... tremendous fun. Well done, everyone.

Thanks, Portis.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was your final test,

and I'm delighted to say you've all passed.

Everyone except Jackson.

I never liked you, Jackson. Get out of my sight.

But, for you, ladies and gentlemen, congratulations.

You are now all officially MI5 agents!

- Congratulations. - Congratulations.

- That was quite a... - Hey, sweetie, come over here.

I'm just telling the guys how I won my third Purple Heart.

- I should probably, er... - Yeah.

There's someone outside for you.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Bad news. - 'Fraid so.

You still have custody of the little toad.

- What? I Really? - Yeah.

How come?

Well, in light of Paula's less-than-expert testimony,

I made a Section 94 application to have the hearing nullified.

Yes! Ohh!

I have no idea what that means.

It means that if you still want it,

Marcus will continue to live with you for the next six months

until a new and hopefully sane family counsellor

has had the chance to assess you weirdos.

That's great.

Listen, I have to say this, Tim.

It's highly unlikely you'll win permanent custody of Marcus.

So you should consider now

what's best for you as well as what's best for him.

Tim?

- Yeah. No, I understand. - OK.

You never told me you were a lawyer!

I never told you a lot of things. Oh, how did the exam go?

Yeah. I passed.

Congratulations!

Agent Elliott.

- Nah. It isn't quite... - See you later.

Word.

Chris!

Thanks.

You did well today.

Thank you, sir.

- You look good with a weapon. - Thanks.

- Very arousing. - Bit weird.

You have an answer for me? Can I tell the CIA you're on your way?

Is he staying?

Portis? Yeah. He's attached to this branch for the foreseeable.

I think I have an answer for you.

Are you just going to stand there all day?

- Hmm? - Put the suitcase down.

You look like a demented bellboy.

All righty.

How was the holiday?

It wasn't a holiday.

- No, I know. - It was an archaeological dig

at the Mycenaean ruins of Atreus.

No, I know. I got the postcards.

I didn't send you anything. Must have been Philip.

Really don't want to talk about Philip.

No offence, Philip.

- Kanena provlima. - What?

That's "no problem". In Greek.

- Shut up, Philip. - What's for supper, Tim?

- Lamb tagine. - I'm vegetarian.

- Since when? - Since the meat industry

started dealing in wanton barbarism.

- Right. - Well, it is late.

I suppose you could just rustle me up a celeriac and spinach quiche.

Yeah. I don't think I have any of those things.

You're seriously gonna make me live here again?

You know the deal, Marcus. Hang in there. It won't be for long.

- Make a note of the quiche. - No quiche, check.

Sorry, kemo sabe.

Come on, let's go.

Eh?

- No. - No?

- I can make you something else? - Forget it. I'll go round to Justine's.

I think they're having risotto alla milanese tonight.

Right.

It's good to have you back, Marcus.

I only wish the feeling were mutual.

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