Original subtitles

I hate you.

You hear me? I hate you.

You really think you could seduce my wife, steal my son and get away with it, huh?

With your ridiculous suits and your flabbidy beard?

This world will be a better place to live with you gone.

- And how does that make you feel? - A little blue, if I'm honest.

But I'm pleased that Tim is finally sharing with the group.

We have to talk about Philip's feelings?

No offense, Philip.

You seem to have a lot of rage inside you.

- You got rage from that? - I definitely did.

Must be the acoustics.

And Marcus, what do you think?

I'm sorry?

What do you think about your Daddy's behavior?

I'm sorry, I wasn't paying the slightest attention.

Does Daddy get angry a lot?

- No! - You let Marcus answer.

No he doesn't.

Bad luck.

- Unless 4-5 times a week is a lot. - What?

Can you get that down?

I'm sorry, Daddy. Please don't beat me.

Please don't beat me... that is...

Okay, that's very funny I don't get angry

- You seem pretty angry now. - No I don't.

Please don't shout at me, Tim.

I'm not shouting.

- He always does this. - Yes.

- I think a lot of this rage... - No rage!

derives from feelings of resentment towards Philip.

Ah, you poor thing.

So, that's something we need to work on.

What do we think would be a good goal?

- I think they should hug. - Oh, that's a terrific idea.

- Never going to happen. - Or even a hug, and a little kiss.

- You seriously except me to get up... - Hug and kiss, oh yes.

Yeah, well of course you do, Paula.

But unfortunately for you even Philip has no interest...

- Come here, big guy! - Alrighty.

- I'm going to get to work. - Okay.

- See you tonight. - Tonight?

- Parent-teacher evening? - Philip.

Can I have a word?

Why didn't you tell me about the parent-teacher evening?

- Why would I? - Because I'm a parent?

- Well, technically. - No, not technically.

Tim, I don't want you at the parent's evening.

Oh, you ashamed of me. Is that what you're saying?

I believe the fashionable expression is "duh!"

But I could help you.

Tim, I've been scoring starred "A"s since I was 36 months.

- I know, but... - This is not a battle you could win.

How can I put this most simply?

I am the Persians of Thermophiles, the Portuguese of Cochin.

Do you see what I'm saying?

- You a Persian? - I'm saying I will win.

I always win. I always get my way.

I'll be in the car.

Doh!

Spy 01x03 Codename Grades

Scan in progress. Identified: low fat organic tzatziki, �2.73

- Uh no, Tim Elliott. - Next customer, please!

Okay, pay attention, people. Who's seen one of these before?

Yeah, this is a personal microcomputer, or PC computer.

Now, these machines have the capacity to process literally

thousands of numbers and letters every hour.

Excuse me! Sorry!

Yeah.

I think um, I think some of your technical information

might be a little bit out of date.

Right there, bang. Look at him, because there is your top gun!

Only Tim, only Tim noticed that I have in fact sprinkled

some tiny factual anachronism into my lecture.

You people, are going to have to raise your game

if you're going to keep up with this guy.

Okay, so today we're going to learn about computer hacking.

Firstly, no thinking, is hacking legal or illegal?

- Yep. - Illegal.

- Wrong. You. - Illegal.

- Wrong. Go. - Illegal.

- Really? - Yeah.

I thought it was just frowned upon.

- No. - Yeah, okay.

Well just as well the MI5 is above the law.

Would you please stop interrupting? So sorry about them, Tim.

Once you've settled into which site you want to hack into,

start launching your XRF programs.

What's your target, son?

I'm attempting to crack into a secure cache

of orbital dominant images with high global significance.

You're hacking into celebrity surgical records.

- Yes I am. - Okay, five minutes, budge up.

What are you doing?

I'm going to show you, pal.

Dear, only a "B" in geography, and uh, what's this a "C" in history.

You'll have to do better than that if you're going to run the IMF.

Just so I'm absolutely clear,

you do know you're sabotating your own son's school grades?

Yup.

- And you don't feel bad about that? - Just teaching him a little lesson.

That's actually quite good parenting if you think about it.

Now English language uuuhh, "C" me thinks.

Make it a "D."

Well, if you're going to do it properly.

"D" it is.

What are you doing? Hacking into Johnny Depp's holiday photos?

Yeah, because that's what women do. No.

Actually the boss has asked me to infiltrate an anarchist chat room.

Yeah? Look at you.

When you say holiday photos... no, never mind.

- You're kidding. - No.

- You changed his grades? - Yes!

- He's going to go ballistic. - I know!

And so what, you just hacked into the website?

Yeah. You know it's quite easy. You can hack into almost anything.

Businesses, hospital records,

- bank accounts. - Bank accounts?

and businesses and... cool.

Right, yeah. It's all in the book.

Hey, here he is. You're back early, how did it go?

Not well.

But you always get starred "A"s.

I know I do.

So you can imagine my surprise when I discovered several of my grades

appeared to have fallen below that standard.

Well, it can't be that bad. Show me the report card.

You're treading on very thin ice, Tim.

Come on, let Daddy see.

A "C" in history, I thought you liked history.

- I devour history. - He devours history and he had a "C."

And a "B" in German? What's happened there?

[Speaking German]

Ja, I can well imagine.

Looks like you got a little bit of knuckling down to do young man.

Maybe I can help with your homework, you know if you're struggling.

- A "D" in English language? - Stop it!

It says it here, English language, grade "D."

It's your native tongue.

Too far, Tim. You went too far.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

There going to be consequences, you can count on it.

Why don't you count on it Mr. "C" in maths?

- I should ahead. - Okay.

You're not worried about him taking his revenge, are you?

No. Little bit, yeah.

I suggest you sleep with the door locked tonight.

- No, seriously. - No, I'm going to, absolutely.

Then I...

Where were you last night?

What are you doing?

I waited up and you didn't come home.

I don't...

No, don't tell me you were working late.

I don't live with you.

- You lost track of time. - I don't live with you.

- Oh, the car broke down. - I don't live with you.

Don't you get it?

We could make a life together, a life built on truth and honesty.

Wow.

But if you don't care enough to even fight for us

then maybe we should just call it quits.

Yeah, let's do that.

- It's your choice. - I think we should call it quits.

- Wathever you say. - I say call it quits.

I'm not a mind reader, Tim.

You're going to have to open up to me eventually.

- Okay, why don't you ju... - Oh, I wish I knew how to quit you.

That's not what it looks like.

- Still nothing? - Not a thing.

They're not very chatty bunch these anarchists.

No, they're probably all out somewhere doing anarchy.

Brilliant.

You should spice it up. Draw them in with a bit of virtual flash.

Yeah, alright.

I am so hot in here, air-con broken.

Nice.

- Must take off shirt. - Dress.

Dress, good, yeah.

How did Marcus take his newly imposed mediocrity.

Not that well. No?

- I feel a bit bad, to be honest. - So you changed it back?

- Not yet. - Tim!

We've been summoned to his headmaster's office this afternoon,

to uh, discuss his grades.

I just want to, I just want to see his little Persian face.

- What? - Nothing.

And hi to you, KARL276.

Can you go and take the delivery, James?

Nosy!

So, why do you think Marcus's grades have dropped off?

I don't know.

Nothing to do with me and you can't prove a thing.

It's okay, Tim.

Parents often feel guilty about their children's failures,

- but they're completely innocent. - Completely!

How is his home life?

Are you serious?

Tim, this is just a routine conversation between a concerned father

and an education professional.

- Well, if you must know, - Yeah?

Things haven't been going very well at home.

I see.

- It's Marcus's mother. - Oh!

She's dating this guy, who between us is a dick.

Right. Well, let's try not to focus on...

He's really annoying, and clingy.

You know the type emotionally fragile, mentally not quite right.

I'm sure he must have some redeeming qualities.

He doesn't.

Perhaps he is a hilarious raconteur or a surprisingly gifted salsa dancer?

- No. - No?

- Nope. - Right.

He thinks he's funny.

But really people are just laughing at him.

- What a fool. - Yeah, and as for the dancing,

Yeah?

well, I mean to be honest he just doesn't have the hips for salsa.

How dare you?

These hips were born to swing to the rythm of the bongo.

I thought were just an education professional.

An education professional with Cuban lightning coursing through his veins.

You've gone too far this time, Tim. Too far.

Alrighty. I take it this meeting is over.

What are you doing here?

I thought you had double-entry bookkeeping this evening.

- I did. - And?

I've been suspended.

What? What for?

- Philip said you'd know why. - Philip...

What've you done, Tim?

Nothing.

Marcus?

You know you have to come out sometime.

And you'll have to eat.

I know you miss being at school, do you want to talk about it?

I'm going to get you back in I promise.

Marcus.

You're dead. You're dead. You're dead.

Sir...

Sir.

- Ah, Tim. You wanted to see me? - That's not loaded, is it?

Err, no.

Sorry Sir, um need to ask you a few more days off.

You already had a week off, Tim.

I know. I have a domestic situation I have to deal with.

- I see. - What?

Why didn't you say so? What's her name?

- Who? - The girl, you dirty squirrel?

- There's no girl. - In a familial way she 'course she is.

No. What? No. No, it's my son, he's,

he's been suspended from school.

- No ladies involved? - Absolutely no, Sir, I swear.

Well in that case I'm sorry, Tim, I can't give you any more time off.

You'll fall too far behind on our new training.

There must be someone who can help out.

Ah, until what time?

Oh, I going in. Okay. Okay. Bye bye bye bye.

Bye bye.

- He'll be fine. - He will, won't he?

Of course.

Look there are plenty of worse people you could leave Marcus with.

Yeah, you're right.

- Like who? - I can't think of anyone.

Not one.

Yeah! Here we... go.

Hey! Huh!

- Of course. - It's obvious really.

On today's show, brothers at war...

[Indistinc chatter on TV]

- What are you watching? - Only television, genious.

How can you watch this dross?

The guy on the right is sleeping with the girl.

So?

The girls is married to the guy on the left.

Boring.

The girls is the sister of the guy on the right.

Go on.

The guy on the left is the brother of the guy on the right.

Shut up! They're siblings.

And they're about to bring out the dad,

who is gay and sleeping with the uncle.

...confronts her fianc�, who she claims drinks excessively,

does nothing around the house, and he's even been violent to her

on numerous occasions.

Your theories on dollar redistribution V interesting.

Thanks.

Are you cute too?

Maybe.

Is there a Mr. Strike1886?

Not yet.

Good.

What are you into?

You first.

Theatre. Golf. Spanking.

Spanking?

Oh, what? Come on!

No.

- Strike1886? - Karl276?

- You make me sick. - Wait!

- Stay away from me! - I was joking!

I was joking!

- I've been just playing. - I have a weapon.

- So, what do we think? - Very sharp.

I think so, too.

That was a wonderful shopping excursion.

Good.

How do you have such an expensive car on such a modest salary?

It's complicated.

Did you consolidate your debts into one easy to manage monthly payment?

Something like that, yeah.

So, what's next?

I suppose you want to watch "Count down. "

Ah, quiz? Boring, what else is there?

Right, I normally take into other one of these.

Brilliant!

What the hell is going on?

Oh Tim, have you seen this show?

Yes. Yeah, it's rubbish.

How can you say that? Look, how wise and majestic he is.

- What are you wearing? - I know.

My trousers actually have toweling material inside them.

- I might literally beat you to death. - Don't do it here, do it on the show.

- Have you eaten anything today? - Plenty, thank you.

You don't look very well.

That's not organic chicken, you know that?

I was actually still eating that.

She's in with him now.

You've really done it this time.

Can I go see him?

Best not. He's sleeping now.

- How is he? - Not good, I'm afraid.

This is going to play out beautifully in court.

I'd tried reading to him but his body is just too weak

to digest 19th century post industrial literature.

- Have you tried Elizabeth Gaskell? - Yes. No response.

I can't wait to tell Paula all about this.

I took my eyes off him for one moment.

- I should going. - Yeah, sorry. Thank you, Justine.

I'll check on him again in the morning.

- Oh, this is perfect. - I will fix it. First thing!

Yes.

- Hi! - Hello!

Thanks for seeing me in such short notice.

Uh huh.

May I?

- No. - Alright.

Philip, I wanted to apologize for the other day.

I think we both said things that we regret.

I didn't.

Just me, then.

I am sorry that I called you unfunny and clingy.

And a dick.

You remember that.

Ups.

And I am also sorry if I suggested that your hips were not designed for salsa,

when it is clear to see that they are perfectly engineered

- to invoke the latin beat. - Yes, well, thank you.

Now I pretend your words did not wound,

but I know that at heart we are very dear friends.

Yeah, so with that in mind, I wondered if if...

wondered if you would consider readmitting Marcus.

Well, under the circumstances,

I am prepared to readmit Marcus.

Really? Well, that's... That's great, thank you.

Now, if only we could find a way to mark this milestone in our friendship.

- Forget it. - What?

- Not hugging you, Philip. - No, you're right.

Must be wonderful having him at home all the time.

- One hug. - Yes!

- But no kissing. - Of course, no kissing.

- I mean it. - I never even wanted to kiss.

What is wrong with you?

Sorry, got confused.

Unbelievable.

Let me know about Cirque du Soleil!

- Morning. - I didn't kiss anyone!

- What? - What?

- What's wrong with you? - Nothing's wrong with me.

Why would anything be wrong with me?

I'm absolutely fine.

What's wrong with you, if anything?

- Excuse me for breathing! - Sorry! Just a...

bit of a bad morning.

- Oh, is Marcus still not well? - No he's doing better, thanks.

He watched a documentary this morning on quantitative easing, so...

Well, that's good I think.

Yeah, I should probably put his school records straight.

Yeah.

- What happened to you? - He slipped.

Clumsy me.

Well, be more careful in future.

I definitely will.

- What? - Nothing.

- Am I doing something stupid? - No.

How are you feeling?

Juvenescent.

Right.

Listen, I'm sorry you got suspended from school.

Why are you sorry, Tim? Wasn't your fault, was it?

No. No, but I do feel responsible in a strikingly indirect way.

Listen, I promise I'll never interfere on you academic career again.

- Never? - Never.

No parent-teacher evenings?

Especially no parent-teacher evenings.

Okay then.

- Oh, and Tim? - Yep?

I told you, I always get my way.

I think I'm in all sorts of trouble.

I don't suppose you can amend criminal convictions, can you?

Thanks mate, I really appreciate this. I owe you one.

Tim? Tim? Whoa whoa, whoa whoa!

You are still angry, I understand that, but it...

Marcus! Hey, buddy!

Remember who got you the clothes? It was Uncle Chris, wasn't it?

You are the *** tell them it was your...

Evening officers!

You let me know if you need more jasmine tea.

Will do.

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