Original subtitles

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh!

Ooh! Ow!

Marcus!

- Did I startle you? - No, no.

I was... No.

How are you? How was school?

- Torpid. - Great.

- Hope I'm not interrupting. - No! No,

I think this was just, er...

- delivered by mistake. - You know why Judith left you?

Oh, hey, now, listen... Mummy loves you, Marcus.

I know she loves me.

We're trying to establish why she does not love you.

Right.

- Because you are weak. - OK.

- And you are boring. - I see.

- And you are lazy. - Is that true?

- It's not that I didn't love you... - There you go. You see?

- I despised you. - Oh.

Your weakness drove her into the arms of another man.

A man who could properly nourish her both intellectually as well as physically.

- That's exactly right. - Really don't need to hear about Philip.

- No offence, Philip. - Eh, I don't care, bud.

I ended up scoring the hottie.

Not in front of him! You are still his headmaster, for... God's sake.

So we'll see you next weekend.

- Oh, but can't I just stay with you? - It's only temporary.

Just while your mum sorts out all the legal stuff.

Yes?

- And her pill addiction. - Philip!

Come on, come and say goodbye.

- You take care, big bear. - Don't. Get off me.

Come on then, goose. I'm feeling the need for speed.

- You call me. - No.

OK.

Right. Now the oldies are out of our hair...

what say you and me go grab ourselves a pizza?

Or alone time. Yeah, that's a good idea. I...

That.

22 pages a minute - pretty reasonable in consumption.

- And photo quality's good? - It's not bad.

Can I access the printer through my phone?

- What would you do that for? - I'm handling this, thanks, Chris.

Well, I just thought that...

- I loathe people like you. - Chris...

Transferring your failed aspirations onto some trendy bit of hardware

that has the processing power to run NASA.

- Chris. - But all you do is watch hilarious clips

- of fat kids on rollercoasters... - Chris.

Or illegally download the latest Girls Aloud album

because you're too embarrassed and too cheap to pay for it.

- Chris. - And the rest of the time

- you sit in front of your screen... - Chris...

- ...slack-jawed, gorging yourself... - Chris...

- ...on meaningless drivel... - Chris...

until one day, the futility

- of your hateful existence... - Chris!

Smacks you square in your flat, feeble face.

- I'm going to think about it. - Alrighty.

Thanks.

Do call again.

- Just for once? - What?

Why do you stay at Computer Galaxy?

The prestige.

Marcus hates me.

- Marcus is a dick. - You can't say that about my son!

- Why not? I've met him, he is. - He's nine!

I don't know why you don't just let him live with his mum.

Believe me, Judith is not a good mother.

Well, for what it's worth, I think Marcus is pretty hard on you.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

So you divorced his mother - big deal! Lighten up.

She was actually the one who...

So what if you exploited her pill addiction to win back custody

and have her chucked out of her own house.

Good for you, shows you care!

The courts have decided that I should...

Who honestly cares if you've been working as a junior sales assistant

in a computer shop for the last seven years?

Five years, actually.

Seven years, actually, dude.

- Seven years? - Mmm.

Well, no wonder he doesn't respect me, I'm...

not...

I'm going nowhere!

And that's a problem because...?

No, I'm sorry! I should be doing more with my life than selling cheap printers,

and sitting here with you every single day sharing M&S Meal Deals.

I have a BSc from Sussex, Chris!

I have a first from Oxford, and do you see me complaining?

- All the time! - Exactly!

No, I'm sorry.

No.

What are you doing? It isn't time.

- I'm quitting. - Quitting to do what?

I dunno. Something better with my life.

I'll see you around, Chris.

You've got something on your...

Yeah.

Possiamo mangiare oggi?

What?

- Any danger of some supper? - Yes. Absolutely.

Let's see what we've got!

Oh...

Cumin?

Forget it. I'll go round to Justine's. They're having lamb tagine.

I quit my job!

You did what?

I quit my job today! Yeah!

And what exactly are we going to do for money?

- Get another job! A better job. - Doing what?

- Sudoku? - I haven't fi...

- ...figured it out yet. - Well, take your time.

The human body can last a good ten days

before withering to death from malnutrition.

I'm sensing you're not that pleased.

I know it's unfashionable in today's socialist dystopia,

but I still regard unemployment as a badge of failure.

No, see, look, this is a new start for me For us, you know?

I mean, yes, things might be a little bit... difficult to begin with,

but its a chance for us to really come together, you know, be a team.

Come on, what do you say?

- Dad? - Yeah?

Get a bloody job.

Understood. Good.

Have fun!

Hooray! You have a BSc in computer science?

- With Spanish. - With Spanish! Claro que s�.

- Huh? - You've been working at Computer Galaxy

for you think five years, but it might be seven.

Yeah, that's right.

You like number puzzles and strategic board games.

- I do. - And you have an adorable little son

called Marcus.

- I have a son. - All right, let's see what we've got.

You should be doing this, Mr Computer!

- Yeah! - No, you shouldn't.

We're a government-funded organisation, and it would be illegal

if I let you touch my terminal.

- Right, I didn't ask.. - Yeah, well, next time just think

Ooh! Here we go!

McLaren are looking for a computer engineer for their Formula One team.

Involves attending all the Grand Prix - Monaco, California, Indonesia.

- Salary �58,500. - That sounds great!

But I can't be away that much Need to be with my son.

I know. I bet he absolutely loves being with you.

What else?

Ooh! Playboy are looking for a web technician.

- That sounds quite fun, doesn't it?! - Prrrrow! Sign me up.

- You have a son! - No, but you just...

- Shame on you, Tim! - OK.

Well, it's gone now, so...

Ooh, what about this one? Civil service They need someone to input data.

Now, it's only a six-month contract, but you never know, it might get extended.

- Yeah, go on, then. - Really?

Yeah! Civil service, why not?

Score! All right.

Now there is an assessment day tomorrow at 12,

so I'll just print off your forms and you are good to go!

Alrighty.

I feel like this is going to be the start of great things for you, Tim.

Hey! Good jog?

- Are you ready for your interview? - Yeah, think so.

- Do you want to practise some questions? - Nope. I think I'm OK.

Why do you think you are suited to this position?

Well...

Too slow. On a scale of 4 to 60, do you prefer failure or defeat?

I don't understand.

- Really? - No.

- 47? - What?

- No? - No.

OK. Pretty basic stuff.

Yeah... I'm pretty sure they're going to stick to questions about my CV.

- Just the one sheet? - Yeah.

How compact.

- Says here you're single. - Yes.

Been single a long time?

Um, well, since your mother left me.

So, er, what's that? Oh, about a year?

And why specifically do you think women find you so repugnant?

Yeah, I really don't think they're going to ask me that.

It says here you speak intermediate Spanish.

- Si. - Cu�les son las exportaciones

principales de Oatalu�a?

Si.

Uh, cu�ntanos... er, aluminos...

er... dela los dos bos...

Antonios Banderos.

Do you think you got the job?

- No. - No.

You've got to pick me up from football this afternoon.

And try not to be too late. Probably not the best idea

for a nine-year-old to be left alone on an empty playing field.

Alrighty.

Unless you're trying to get me abducted.

Is that what you want, Tim?

No.

Good luck with the interview.

Excuse me, you don't know where Room 1-5... OK, thanks.

You don't know if, um...?

You don't know...? No.

Just in time. In you pop.

- Sorry... - No talking, thank you.

Right... You have one hour.

Begin.

Ssh!

Sorry!

Er... maybe just leave them?

Yes?

Here you go.

- Oh, no. I've finished. - Finished?

It's only been 17 minutes.

I can stay. It's fine. I've got things.

Sorry.

- What's your name? - Tim Elliott.

Well done, Tim.

Well done.

- Be back at two for the interview. - OK.

- I'll just get it later. - Good idea.

Good luck.

- I think it Went... OK. - Well,

you be sure to tell them from me

that the civil service is nothing but a pimp to this fascist puppet government,

and I count off the days till we see their servile heads rolling in the streets.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll definitely do that.

All right, cool.

Alrighty.

Gonna need a new one.

Do you mind?

I was sitting here first.

- No, I meant with you, sit with you. Oh!

Sorry, I thought you meant you wanted me to...

Do you mind?

Sorry. No. Yeah, go ahead.

We haven't met properly. I'm Caitlin.

I'm Tim.

- Sausage? - No, thanks.

- They're pork - I'm fine.

At least I think they are. Just says 87% meat.

You finished the test very quickly.

Very definitely pork in there.

- I mean, I found it pretty easy, as well. - And beef.

But then again, my entire career has been leading up to this moment,

really?

Well... I don't think you'll get the job.

Why? Have you heard something?

- No. - Is this part of the test?

- Are you wearing a wire? - What? No, I'm not...!

My son just says that they only hire ugly people in the civil service,

so that would... count you out.

Oh.

Right.

- Sorry about the... - It's fine.

God, I want this job!

- Sorry. - I wouldn't worry about it.

Loads of other jobs out there. There's one at Playboy right now,

- if you're interested. - Excuse me?

- Not as a model, just... techy stuff. - Oh, right.

Not that you're not attractive enough to be a model, because...

you are, you know. But you wouldn't want to, um...

What?

You know, do all the...

- No. - No. I mean,

thanks, but...

- No, thanks? - Right! Yes, yes!

I mean, not even thanks, right? Just, "No!"

- I'm gonna head back. - OK. Yeah.

- Good luck this afternoon. - You, too.

You sure you...

No, lamb.

Yeah.

Damn impressive exam results, Tim.

Thank you.

But we don't appear to have any paperwork on you.

No? Jobcentre should have sent that over.

Discreet. I like that.

So, any questions for us?

Um...

Do you do dental cover?

You know, for the teeth?

You are one cool guy, Tim.

- Really?! - Smoking cool!

- OK. - Bet I bet you hear that all the time.

Not as often as you'd think.

Tim, we, er... we'd like to offer you a job!

Wow, brilliant. OK, thanks.

Good.

Heh.

He's one cool guy...!

Yeah.

He is good.

Whoo...

- Mm. - And that is...?

Yeah, I know. It's standard issue, Glock 17, I'm afraid.

But hey, you're free to supplement it as you see fit.

Personally, I prefer these babies.

Shwaa...

poom!

Right. Good.

- What, everything OK? - Mm-hm. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Actually, one thing.

Will I be needing that a lot, do you think?

- What do you mean? - For the data processing.

- Not reading you, T-bird. - The... processing the data?

- The... - Whoa!

- Whoa! - Whoa!

Hey! Nnn-nn!

It's OK, nice and easy.

That's it. Just slide it across.

You see that I am fully conversant in PowerPoint and Excel

and I do speak.. Intermediate Spanisssh...

Tim, would you just go outside for a moment?

- Should I take...? - Not just yet.

Well, Tim. Clearly, there's been some kind of mix-up.

Oh, dear.

Now, I have to inform you that everything you've seen today

falls strictly within the Official Secrets Act,

and if breached will result in life imprisonment. Do you understand?

Yas... Yes.

You have put us in a very awkward position.

But luckily for you... I like awkward positions.

Always have.

- You read me? - No.

Terrific.

Now, Tim, you've demonstrated skills today that we can definitely use.

So, what do you say. Pal?

You want a job?

I... Doing what?

What do you think? As an agent in Her Majesty's Secret Intelligence Service.

Shut up!

- No, rea...? - Any questions?

Um, what does it... What does the job involve?

- That's classified. - Do I get to stay in London?

- Classified. - Will I be working for you?

No, I've got it! Classified.

- No, it isn't. - No? OK.

No, only kidding. That really is classified.

- Can I think about it? - No. Not the way I roll.

But, Tim, if you do accept this job...

your world will never be the same again.

People's lives will depend on you.

Is that fun? Of course it is.

But it's also a burden.

A burden that you cannot share with anyone. And I mean... anyone!

Well...

what do you say?

You did well today, Caitlin. Welcome aboard.

Lovely.

It's so beautiful!

What are you wearing?

I was just catching some rays.

- Have you shot it yet? - No!

- Can we shoot it? - No! It's really dangerous.

Health and safety.

This is ridiculous. I went for a job in IT.

How can I be a government agent?

Yeah. I'm amazed you don't have to keep that a secret.

Do you see how bad I'm gonna be at this?

- Ooh, can we shoot Marcus? - No, it's... Marcus!

Damn it!

- Sorry... - Yep?

Don't tell anyone!

OK.

Sorry! Sorry! I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Are you OK?

Mummy said you'd be late. Yet another reason why she loathes you.

- Is that true? - What do you think?

Philip's never late.

Can we please not discuss Philip?

- No offence, Philip. - Roger that.

23 minutes late.

- Make a note, please, Philip. - Sorry, muchacho.

Can we get in the car? I'm actually quite cold.

- Good response time, Mummy. - Won't be long now, Marcus!

Ciao, bud. You call me, yeah?

- Stop saying that. I will never ll you. - Ten-four!

Ask me about the interview.

- How was the interview? - It was good.

- Did you get the job? - Yes, I did.

What critical function will you be providing?

OK, you are not going to believe this,

but your father is going to be responsible for...

copying spreadsheets and... inputting random data.

It must be thrilling to have finally fulfilled your potential.

It really is.

Er...

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