Original subtitles

- (elevator dings) - There he is.

Drum roll.

Cue crowd noise.

Celebrating getting off our probation,

he's a failed writer turned successful PR man,

- my best friend, Beckett Ryan! - Woo!

- Yeah! Give it up! - Attention, everyone!

Announcing the arrival of David Lyons. All rise.

That's really not necessary, Bryce, considering

they're already standing. Good news, gang.

The new business cards are here!

Bryce, what is company policy?

Good news comes from the boss, bad news comes from me.

Because?

I have the kind of face that absorbs the hate.

Which reminds you...

There will be no bonuses this quarter.

- Aw, come on, Bryce! - Bryce, these people depend

on those bonuses! See? Not a drop of hate on me.

I have good news of my own, Daddy.

Oh, but, Stephanie, when we're at work,

we have to be a little more professional, OK?

But what's your good news, sugarplum?

I am this close to landing my very first client.

Well, that's great, but "close" really

only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Which I played once with Ted Nugent.

I won the game, he lost a toe.

You know, I think it unhinged him a little.

Sir, the cards? I know some

people are anxious to get theirs.

Oh, yes, yes. OK, let's see here.

We have Beckett Ryan,

Finally something with your name on it that people will read.

- Gordon Woolmer. - You could use

yours to pursue a second client.

I'm not really that competitive.

And Stephanie Lyons.

Putting the "inept" back into "nepotism".

Bryce,

"behind my back" is not a literal term.

- Noted. - Nelson Abrams.

Gay diversity hire that I cannot make fun of because that would be harassment.

I'm cool with that,

but did you really have to spell it out?

The important thing is that now is the moment we've all been waiting for,

after years of toiling in anonymity, everyone will finally know the name...

- (elevator dings) - Abby Hayes?

Abby Hayes, special projects.

Just give it to me already. Ah.

Hey, it's Bring Your Ex-Girlfriend to Work Day.

She gets cards and not me? What does she even do here?

That's on a need-to-know basis.

Yeah, and so far, I don't need to know.

Oh, Bryce.

This is clearly an oversight.

Don't make it a thing.

Oh, you know me, sir.

I would never think of turning this into a "thing".

- (door closing) - All right, what are we gonna do

about this thing? Because this is a very big thing.

It is!

Fill the lens

With all your friends

Oh now is forever

Come on fill the lens

With all your friends

Subtitles by awaqeded www.addic7ed.com

Hey.

What are you doing at my work?

Oh, I'd tell you but I can't.

- You're only a level 1. - Wait, there are levels?

- Yeah. - Really? What level is Nelson?

That's not important. What's important is that you,

my friend, are in grave danger.

How could I be? I'm only a level 1.

I mean your lunch with your college girlfriend Erica.

Wait a minute, how do you know about that?

- Because I listen when you talk. - No, you don't.

OK, I was hiding behind the couch while you were talking on the phone last night.

There it is.

Look, Erica swiped your virginity

and then broke your little heart. You cannot handle

- a lunch with her. - OK,

yes, she swiped my virginity, but she did not break my heart.

And even though I spent

the summer working out obsessively on my Bowflex

while she sport-banged her way through Portugal,

I have moved on.

Besides, it's more of a lunch of old roommates.

Nelson's gonna be there.

- What about me? - Nelson, you are not

to leave Beckett and Erica alone for 1 second. Do you hear me?

Oh, but what if I gotta pee? 'Cause when I gots to go, I gots to go.

If you care about Beckett at all, you're gonna wear a diaper.

She's right, that is friendship.

Yeah, it's also in the description

of someone who's a level 5.

- Aw, come on! - I'm a level 8.

- You don't even work here! - Do I?

- Do you? - Does she?

I don't know.

- (laughing) - Ohhh, thanks for coming, man.

If you weren't there, I totally would have slept with Erica.

I know, I'm like your reverse wingman.

Oh, she just texted.

"So great to spend time with my 2 favourite carpoolers".

Carpoolers? Why would she say that?

You know, I think she's probably calling you carpoolers

because, you know, you both "shared the same ride."

No, I don't understand.

You know, you... you fished the same pond.

Slayed the same dragon.

Shucked the same oyster.

She had sex with both of you,

sex-wise.

What? No, no, no, no, Nelson never had sex with Erica.

Nelson's my best friend. He's gay. You're gay.

I know. I'm gay. I'm super gay. In fact,

I gotta go do some gay stuff right now!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.

Did you shuck Erica's oyster?

Come on! Can't a guy just be gay anymore

without another guy accusing him of sleeping with his girlfriend?

Yeah, OK, I did.

OK? And I'm sorry.

Ah, I feel so much better. That's been really weighing on me

for like the last... few minutes.

I've been there, Beckett. Yep.

Me, Kanye West, and Hilary Clinton.

Carpoolers.

What does it say on the label with the really small writing?

I don't deserve a free lunch,

and neither does...

Sister Mary Catherine of the Haitian Orphanage.

What's she doing in a bar?

Bryce, he's my dad. He forgets everything. Once he forgot to tell me

I had a half-brother until I started dating him.

- Thank you. - You're welcome!

Did I just get the mom "you're welcome"?

I don't know what that is.

You know, when you don't say "thank you" to your mom,

and she sarcastically says, "You're welcome!"

Sarcasm was forbidden in my family,

as was physical affection and eye contact.

She thinks I didn't say, "Thank you."

You heard me say, "Thank you," right? I always say, "Thank you,"

even when I don't appreciate things, and believe me,

I don't appreciate a lot.

Stephanie, you are being so petty.

OK, Mr. Mayor, so, you cheated on your wife

with one of your campaign volunteers.

My job is not to judge you; my job is to get others

to misjudge you in a favourable light.

If anybody can lie about cheating, it's Nelson.

Could you give us a second, Mr. Mayor? OK, thanks.

Hey, when are you gonna drop this, Beck?

I found about it 10 minutes ago.

Yeah, but in gay minutes, that's, like, enough time

to get over 3 relationships, 2 flings, and bitch about it over brunch.

Mr. Mayor, I'm gonna have to call you back.

OK. Mr. Mayor,

are you cheating on your wife right now? Yeah,

OK. Well, just, uh, give me a call back

when you have a hand free.

Look, it happened way before I set you guys up.

I was drunk, she was there,

and from the back and in the right lighting,

she kind of had this Sly Stallone thing going.

- It was great! - So, you were confused.

Yes. The first time. But then

the second time, it was so good that I got confused again.

But then the third time I for sure regret.

- How long did this go on for? - Like a full hour!

Why didn't you just tell me?

Well, because I didn't want to hurt you, man.

But, come on, you and me, carpoolers?

That's kind of hilarious,

and especially 'cause I'm so much better looking than you.

Yeah, that is hilarious that you think that.

I had a carpooler.

This guy I rode

the bus with slept with my girlfriend.

But I got to move in with my sister and her diabetic cat.

So, it worked out for everybody.

Hey. Are you whiting out my name?

Only because I couldn't scrape it off.

Get your little lady hands off my business cards.

Get your giant man hands off my little lady hands!

How's everybody's day going?

Great. I won a free lunch. Every card but mine was ripped.

Sir, please get me my own cards

before there are fisticuffs.

Fairly sure anyone that says "fisticuffs" is incapable of throwing a punch.

No, sir. If I don't get my own cards

by tomorrow morning, I will be forced to resign my post.

Well, congratulations...

Asian intern.

You're my new Bryce.

My name's Esther.

And your English is excellent.

Come with me. The first thing

you need to learn is how to take care of a snakebite.

I have enemies... enemies with snakes.

Well, in that case, I quit!

Good luck bathing your falcon without me.

I keep pigeons.

Well, I don't

keep 'em, but I know where to find 'em.

Pardon me, um, Daisy.

Have a seat; I'll be right with you.

Oh, thank you. I don't need a seat; I had one at lunch,

and I was lucky enough to have you as my waitress. Once again,

and I cannot stress this enough, thank you.

Okay.

Uh, by the by, uh, when you gave me my bill,

I said, "Thank you," and you said, "You're welcome."

That's usually the sequence.

Uh, but it wasn't a "you're welcome" you're welcome.

It was a "you didn't say 'thank you'" you're welcome.

- Okay. Can I take your order? - Okay, I have sent

thank-you cards for thank-you cards.

Oh, you're still here.

I've spent entire weekends at the mall holding the door.

And I gave you a very generous tip, even though I never got my side salad.

Daisy, uh, while you were yacking with your

friend here, table 7 pulled a dine and dash.

It happens to everybody. But you're fired.

Thank you.

You are welcome!

See? You say it like that and you don't get fired.

So, get this.

Nelson and I are carpoolers...

We both slept with Erica.

That sounds like a fun lunch.

In college.

Wait a second. He didn't tell you?

Well, Nelson said he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

Do you have another friend named Nelson?

Hey, bad shirt and thin mustache. I'm talking to you, Beckett.

You. I'm not buying it.

You never spare my feelings.

Is this about Erica still?

Unless you've slept with another ex-girlfriend.

- Abby? - Maybe.

The only reason I didn't tell you what happened

was because I didn't want you to know.

Come on, man!

You're telling me you've never once held something from me?

All right, fine.

When I told you you were a good dancer, you're not.

No one does the shopping cart anymore. It's not even a dance!

Uh, your Christopher Walken, it's awful.

(Impersonating Walken): People LOVE my Christopher Walken.

That's what that is! I just thought you were making fun of deaf people.

All right, the only illness I had

the night of your husband's violin recital

was a severe allergy to your husband's violin recital.

You know what? I never read your book, OK?

Also, I slept with Erica again after she dumped ya.

- What? - Yeah.

You never read my book?

I didn't even make it to the dedication page.

I dedicated it to you!

Hey, Abby. Thank God...

those beers were moments away from setting ablaze.

Did I wake you up or something?

No, I was just thinking about all those years

I wasted being Nelson's best friend.

I could have been a homophobe!

Which is why, starting tomorrow,

I'm getting myself a brand-new lifelong best friend.

Nice... start small.

Abby, extinguish me a cold one.

Tell ex-wife 2 the cheque will clear.

Call ex-wife 3, tell her I destroyed that video.

Brackets: I didn't.

New Bryce, shouldn't you be writing this down?

Ha! That's funny. I'm gonna go tweet that.

Thank you so much for your help. I look forward

to following up with you.

Yes, this will make a huge difference in my life.

Your first new client?

Oh, I am so proud of you, sweetie.

No, Dad, I'm just

hunting down this waitress that I barely know.

Well, at least I know what it would have felt like to be proud.

No, you don't understand. See, I said, "Thank you,"

to this waitress, and you know what she said?

"You're welcome!"

Ah, like you mom did when she got her divorce.

And then I got her fired.

Oh, no. Well, keep up the good...

let's call it work.

Gordon.

Gordy. Gordo.

Beckett.

Beckett. Beckett.

Got an extra ticket for the game tonight.

I have an extra nipple.

I'd show you, but I don't want to take my shoes off.

Cool.

Listen, Nelson can't make it because he's too busy

sleeping with my girlfriend 8 years ago

and not reading my book.

OK. I'll have to miss my AA meeting, though.

- You're an alcoholic? - Between you and me, no.

But free coffee, donuts, I get to see my mother...

It's a nice Thursday night.

You hear that, Nelson?

I found someone to take the extra ticket.

My new best friend.

Uh, yo, Sideshow Bob. Hey, you want to grab a beer tonight?

You just won the bro man's lottery.

OK.

Who are you?

I'm having a little trouble understanding your scheduling system.

Instead of highlighting important appointments,

- I black out unimportant ones. - You've blacked out everything.

Nothing really grabbed me.

I'm pretty sure I had a big day today.

I mean, what am I supposed to be doing at 10?

At 10 o'clock you have a conference call

with Kim Jong-Un to discuss the re-branding of North Korea.

Oh, that's right, yes. I sold him on a fun new nickname:

NoKo,

South Korea's party hat.

Well... (Bryce clears his throat.)

I guess this is goodbye.

No, goodbye was yesterday when you quit.

Look, if you want to stay, Bryce, just say so.

I can't do that, sir. I have my pride.

(Dave laughs.) No, you don't.

You're wearing a fanny pack.

Then, sir, I bid you adieu.

Hey, you're a guy. Is this a good way to dump my boyfriend?

It's just a frownie face and the number 69.

Too subtle?

(shrugging)

Oh, excuse me, could I get a drink, please?

God, you get one waitress fired and it's a whole thing with these people.

From Dave.

I wonder what it could be.

A fanny pack!

I guess this is the point where, uh, my grand gesture changes your mind?

Our usual hangout, a predictable gift,

and another party I had to plan.

I hope you're happy, Bryce. You've ruined my evening.

Hi, I'm David Lyons. Maybe you've seen my building.

Way to go, Bryce. Now I get another step-mom.

I gotta say,

I had a lot of fun tonight...

All the looks you got wearing that costume.

My only regret is not wearing the one you brought for me.

We would have totally got on the Jumbotron.

I know.

It would have been my first time ever on TV.

Unless you count the time I went missing.

Nelson. Murder trial Phil Spector.

Beckett. Shrek.

I really should have used the washroom

before I put this on. Can you give me a hand?

Yeah, Beckett, can you give him a hand?

For a friend?

Anything.

Nope, I cannot do that.

Some friend you are.

I'll give it a shot.

You know the best part

about being best buds with a bike courier?

Handlebar rides. That's how we got here today.

That's nothing.

Gordon is mounting an all-cat production of Cats.

He only has 1 cat, but it's a triple threat.

Hello, Gordon.

Look, it's Kermit the Fro.

Come on. I know a place with free coffee, donuts,

and women with low self-esteem.

Sorry, Beckett. You're kind of an anchor.

- (knocking on door) - Morning!

I brought you a little something.

Oh, my God. Are you here to kill me?

(Steph laughing)

- Gift basket? - Yes, because I'm totally

gonna eat food from an insane stranger.

- Okay... - Oh, wait, wait, wait!

I talked to Frank, and I explained everything

to him in detail. He's willing to give you your job back

if I stop explaining everything to him in detail.

- So, we're done. - Oh.

Here's the thing. When you gave me my bill back,

and you said, "You're welcome,"

I just want you to know, I said, "Thank you."

Fine.

Your manners are beyond reproach.

But you are also a scary,

self-centred, psychotic jerk!

Yes! My manners are beyond reproach.

I'll call you.

Well, at 3:15 I seem to have a board meeting

and a pap smear.

- Here's your coffee. - Thank you.

- Mm! Mm! This is coffee! - Yeah.

What are you trying to do, make me sober?

Oh, Bryce would never pull a stunt like that.

No, he would not. New Bryce, would you excuse us?

Sure, I'm late for my pap smear.

- What's happened? - Well, I just

got my new card from my new job.

Oh, that's nice. "Bryce McBradden."

"B-R-I-C-E"? Oh, my. They misspelled your name!

I know. Those contemptible lackwits.

I'm surprised fisticuffs didn't ensue.

Wait a minute.

You did this.

- Hm? - This was your grand gesture.

Well, if you think bribing the kid at Kinko's

to make a typo is grand, then...

Well, in that case, sir,

I hereby accept your invitation for re-employment.

- Oh, good. - So, uh, how bad was she?

Horrible!

I don't get it. I thought Asian kids were forced to be smart.

Hey. I know you hate me right now,

but I got you a little something.

My book? I told you, no refunds.

Yeah, I read it last night...

well, Graham read it to me, but he does it

with an English accent, so it sounds so much smah-tuh.

I can't believe you actually read it.

Beck, you're, like, the only friend I've ever really had,

and I hurt you. I'm sorry. From now on, I promise,

I'm gonna be, like, a way better friend.

No, you're not.

Well, I'm gonna be, like, a somewhat better friend.

So, uh,

what'd you think?

- About what? - About the book.

Oh, the book! The book.

The book was, um... it was good.

That's it? Now you're being a dick again!

Not reading it was being a dick; not liking it,

that's just being honest.

Fair enough.

Since we're being honest, your wedding song was terrible.

"Maneater"?

Really?

OK, you want to... you want to do this? You have no calves!

You have thighs, and then you got sticks.

I'd make a joke about your nationality, but I don't know what it is!

Ah, ha, ha, ha. That's good, that's good.

- I slept with your prom date. - Lois Bookman?

- Yeah! - Ugh! No wonder you're gay.

I'm finally about to un-friend Erica from Facebook.

Beckett Ryan moving on.

That's really good for you. You should just be cutting

- all those old girlfriends off. - Speaking of, get out

- of my apartment. - Yeah, like that,

but where you actually have some kind of power.

Let me see this chick.

I have no idea what she looks like.

When Erica dumped you, did she stay in a hostel in Lisbon?

Why?

Well...

Hey, Carpooler.

I'd show you but I don't want to take my shoes off.

(laughs)

One more, one more!

I hadn't heard the line.

It's on his foot!

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