Original subtitles

All right, everybody back. Wounded commander coming through.

Oh, come on, Bryce. It's nothing. Just guide me

to my office through the blinding white pain where I will quietly die.

- Dad, what happened? - He was playing in the firm's

celebrity golf tournament and there was a 3-wood accident

- on the 14th hole. - Oh, that was no accident.

Wayne Gretzky did that deliberately.

Said I looked at his daughter funny. I did.

- Sir, you really should go home. - I can't.

The McSchnitzels from Germany are coming in today. Do you know how many Oktoberfests

and Kraftwerk tribute bands I had to sit through to get a chance at this account?

Oh, Jane Fonda, that hurts!

Jane Fonda?

Yeah, it's a condition. Whenever he's in intense pain,

he screams out the name of female stars he has the hots for.

Yeah, but don't worry. I can work through the pain.

Oh... Courtney Cox!

When I was 10, I dropped a bowling ball on his toe,

and my entire birthday party heard him scream out,

"Goldie Hawn on a pogo stick!" Ugh.

Wow, that was great.

Now get Dave to say,

"Roseanne Barr on a trampoline!"

Fill the lens

With all your friends

Oh now is forever

Come on fill the lens

With all your friends

Subtitles by awaqeded ---- addic7ed.com ----

Wow. You're late for work.

Yeah, because I couldn't find any clean underwear.

Not even the pair that says, "perfect ass".

Yeah, I'm actually wearing those. At least on me

someone's gonna get a chance to see them.

Stop taking my underwear,

and stay away from my laundry quarters.

- I paid you back. - Yes, but the washing machine

wouldn't accept your post-dated cheque.

Well, you better wish me luck,

because I am going down to face the lint monster.

Lint monster?

There's this one pig who has a plot

to never clean out the lint trap. It's this creepy shade

of Cheeto-fingers orange.

Wait... have you tried calling the laundry police?

Oh, wait, they don't exist, because that's just crazy.

Mock me all you want, but I am not letting this go, Beckett.

The lint monster will be defeated.

Well, I'm off to face the subway minotaur.

Hey, man! How's my favourite

charming most-handsome writer today?

He's having trust issues because he has friend

who sucks up to him every time he wants him to do something.

I'm speaking at our old HS... that's short for high school.

Sure.

And I, uh, need you to write me a speech.

Something... languagey.

- You know that's not a word? - I did not.

- I don't know, man. I'm pretty busy. - Oh, come on!

You remember in the 10th grade when you forgot

your sandwich and I gave you half of mine?

And you said, "Thanks, I owe ya".

Damn it. I knew that was gonna come back to bite me in the ass.

Now, I want this speech to be called... Iron Man.

I think that's already taken.

OK, then Iron Man 2. Just make me sound awesome!

Sweet Valerie Bertinelli!

What's going on with your dad?

Ugh, he's a stubborn idiot who won't take painkillers

because he's afraid it'll "put him off his game".

Oh. Well, if his game is Random Celebrity Shout-out,

don't worry, he's way ahead on points.

- Parker Posey! - Ding!

Anyway, he refuses to take his medication, so I had to find another way to help him.

Frozen yogurt

- with Demerol happy sprinkles. - Oh.

It's a shame they don't have a Hallmark card

for the first time a daughter dopes up her dad.

(She laughs.)

Who said it was the first time?

- (Dave groaning) - Hey, Dad.

- Hey. - How are you feeling?

I've shouted out the name of every guest star

from The Love Boat, including Charo twice.

But look, if you're here to try and talk me into taking

some sort of medication, just forget about it, all right?

I'm not gonna do it. Dave Lyons is a warrior,

a fighter, the manliest of men!

Oh! Frozen yogurt with white chocolate sprinkles!

Gimme, gimme, gimme! Gimme. Ohhh.

Oh, I love frozen yogurt. Ah...

Ah... Ahhh!

Katie Couric! Oh!

Mmm! Oh, this is so good.

It's like I'm getting butterfly kisses on my brain.

Oh-ho-ho, this is better than drugs.

Or exactly as good.

Mmm.

Anyway, I'm working on entrance walks for my speech.

Which one do you like best? There's the wink and then the point.

Then there's the point and then the wink.

(cell phone ringing)

Hey, Abby. What's up?

Oh, thank God you answered.

We're practicing entrance walks over here.

There's the wink and the gangster strut.

[Beckett,]

The lint monster is back!

Uh, yes. And unlike every other monster

in the history of fiction, its one weakness is cleaning the lint trap. Bye-bye.

[It is about more than that, Beckett.]

It is about disrespect. Disrespecting your neighbours.

And plus, it is just... yuck!

There's, like, the wink and then the gun.

Then there's, like, the wink and then the nod.

What's up?

Look, Abby, I have very important work to do over here.

Hey, you got any without the wink?

The wink is the glue.

Have you never walked in anywhere?

[Please, Beckett,]

I can't do this alone.

All right, fine. Hey, Gordon, what are you doing right now?

Right now? Watching Nelson walk.

When he winks,

I feel like I'm in on something.

Can you go and help my roommate?

Abby has this crazy lint conspiracy thing going on.

- Belly button lint? - Dryer.

It's not my area of lint-spertise.

But I love a challenge.

OK, lint specialist on the way. Good luck.

Any update on sir?

Oh, my Shakira!

He's not great.

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Ah, Geena Davis, somebody kill me!

Sir, I hate to see you like this. Will you please take a painkiller?

Why is everybody around here trying to coddle me, all right?

I can play through the pain. For God's sakes,

I won the Tour de France 7 times in a row

without taking drugs!

I believe that was Lance Armstrong.

Oh, that's probably why they took back my medals.

Ah! David Bowie!

What? The man is beautiful!

- Oh, oh! Sir. - What?

Were you gargling with hotdog water?

- Is it bad? - Uh-huh.

I can't tell if I have bad breath, or if my hand stinks.

Well, maybe just to be sure, why don't you have a mint?

Oh, good idea. OK.

A mint! A mint! I said have A mint!

I'll pay you for them!

Spotted the hipster in 415. He only wears plaid,

so it can't be him. OK, that leaves it down to...

pretentious film student,

or hairy guy with bike clips on his pants.

(knocking on door)

- Who is it? - Gordon Woolmer.

I'm here about the lint.

Get inside. It is not safe to talk out there!

It isn't? I just did!

Oh, my God. I'm doing it again.

I'm doomed!

It's pretty good.

I don't get the opening joke, though.

That's just you saying you're happy to be there.

OK. Now I get it.

That IS funny! Ah!

OK, about the speech, um... very compelling.

What a variety of, uh... words.

So, you really like it?

Well, you think it might be a bit, uh...

Hmm, what's the word? Braggydoshish?

Uh... nope, that's not the word... or even a word.

Anyway, I'm gonna need you to do a whole other pass here.

Really? 'Cause I kinda feel like I nailed it.

(Nelson laughs.) You did not.

OK, well, I have a lot of work to do, so...

Oh, but you have time

to mooch half my veal sandwich in the 10th grade?

I can't wait to read it when it's good!

OK, the Germans will be here soon, and my dad

- is finally ready to go. - Yep, he's primed for action.

- Thanks to me. - Yep, thanks to... What?

I sprinkled a double dose of pain killers on his frozen yogurt.

You ninny! Medicating your father is my job.

I gave him pain killers and told him they were breath mints!

You what?!

He's going to be stoned like a biblical whore.

Oh, my God, we're too late.

Hey, sugar pumpkin.

Oh, and hi, Stephanie.

Why is my desk on the wall?

Sir, the McSchnitzels will be here in 15 minutes!

- No way that's a real name. - You've got to pull yourself together!

I'm fine, I'm fine. I feel good.

Dad, are you sure you don't want me to handle this?

Oh, don't be silly, butter eyes.

I told you I can work through the pain.

Although there's this weird thing: I can see around corners now.

That's because Bryce slipped painkillers into your breath mints.

No, it's because Stephanie sprinkled painkillers onto your yogurt!

Oh, might be because I've been self-medicating with whiskey all day.

- You have? - Of course I have!

How do you think I was going to work through the pain? Strength of character?

All right, Bryce, we're gonna need coffee... strong coffee.

I'm talking mother-lifting- a-car-off-her-baby strong. All right,

let's see. Let's see.

If we add together the potency of the drugs and the alcohol,

subtract the caffeine,

take into account the speed of my blood flow,

I think I should have about 45 minutes

before I pass out for the next 72 hours.

OK, then, no, that's perfect. That gives you just enough time

to land the client, and then you can take 3 days off.

- Yes, exactly. - Here you go, sir.

- Ah, thank you, Bryce. - (phone ringing)

Oh, hold on. Oh. Hello? Yeah, this is Dave Lyons.

Oh. Oh, no, that's fine. No, that's perfectly

understandable. Well, we'll see you then.

That was the Germans. They're stuck in traffic.

They're going to be an hour late.

I can't help but feel that secretly drugging you was partly our fault.

Oh, sweetie, don't worry about it.

You know what? This kind of reminds me of that time

that you and Bryce drugged my frozen yogurt

and my mints, and those Germans were coming.

Man, if we could get through a zany caper like that,

we can get through anything.

No, Dad, that's all happening right now.

Oh... we're doomed.

Do not fall asleep. You cannot fall asleep!

It's a no-go on rescheduling the meeting.

The McSchnitzels won't be our way for another 6 months.

Aww, baby, I am so proud of you.

Daddy loves you.

Daddy loves his baby girl.

Ah.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Bryce.

I can't feel my face!

Get somebody in here to find out if I still have a face.

Yes, I'll get right on that, sir.

Yes. Yes, let's get right on that.

Here it is. I went back,

did some rewrites, added some jokes,

had a little fun with it. I think you'll like it.

Yeah, listen. Um, I think I'm gonna hand it over

to this guy for some punch-up.

A, that's a little insulting. You don't even know his name.

And B, Glasses here is our accountant.

I thought Crocs and Dress Socks was our accountant.

You know what? Go ahead, give it to Glasses.

I don't care. You can give it to Crocs and Dress Socks, Spits When He Talks,

or Farts When She Walks, because I'm done!

All right, come on!

Hang on a second.

What about that time in college

when I brought home that pizza and I hooked up you with a slice

and you said, "Thanks, I owe ya"? I don't remember getting a slice back.

All right, you get one more draft, and then when I'm done,

I am clear of all food-related debt.

Hey, Questlove.

How are you at writing speeches?

I can't try, but I haven't written a speech

since my valedictorian address at Harvard.

Really sounds like more of a job for Glasses over there.

The monster is in the trap.

Repeat: the monster is in the trap.

[The mustard is on the shirt.]

[Repeat: the mustard is on the shirt.]

- What's that code for? - Code?

I got mustard on my shirt!

Damn it, Gordon! You made me take my eyes off of him!

Oh.

Oh, damn it! It's the wrong guy!

Oh, I really thought we had him this time.

Now that the laundry room is empty, can we deal with this mustard stain?

It's time to go back into the belly of the beast.

OK, but on the way, can we stop by the laundry room?

Dad. Dad.

- Last call. - Oh!

- Oh. - There you go.

- Oh, my God! - What?

- Oh, my God! - What?

- It's Michael Stipe! - What?

- I love REM! - Dad, it's R-E-M.

I know how to spell it, sweetheart. Now, you just shh, shh. You just shushy-pie.

I'm gonna go talk to Michael Stipe, because I am a shiny, happy people.

- (phone ringing) - Oh, sorry, Michael,

I gotta take this.

Hello, this is Dave Lyons. Hmm?

All right, that's dandy. OK.

Hey, did anybody order some Germans?

'Cause we got a couple out in the lobby.

Don't move, Dad. We'll handle this.

OK.

He's not moving.

- We can handle this. - We can totally handle this.

It's gonna be fine.

(weeping) How are we gonna handle this?

Just follow my lead.

- After you. - Ugh!

- Greetings! - And welcome to our firm.

- I'm Stephanie, and this is Bryce. - Guten Tag.

- I am Kristof McSchnitzel. - And I am Kirsten McSchnitzel.

- And together we are... - (both): The McSchnitzels.

- Of course. - Yeah. So,

how about that traffic, huh? What are you gonna do, am I right?

Even if it just you alone on the highway, you are the traffic.

What are you gonna do?

Ah, you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

Is Herr Lyons ready to see us?

Um, about that, the's been a little complication.

- Yeah, small complication. - What kind of complication?

He's dead.

Dead?! Dead!

- Yes! My father is dead! - We just talked to him 30 seconds ago.

It was very unexpected and sudden.

Oh, oh, oh.

Dave Lyons. Hallo, und herzlich willkommen.

Wait a zweiten, this man is dead?

Uh... dead... set on pleasing you!

Exactly.

Now, if you'll both follow me, please.

Dead? Really? Ugh!

Come on!

(saxophone)

Stop playing the damn saxophone!

The whole world is going to hell in a laundry basket,

and all you care about is some stupid sax you found in the boiler room!

Are you crying?

Of course I'm crying! I just put a dryer sheet in my eyes!

(beep)

Don't worry, I'll make sure to take out the lint.

Don't bother.

Nobody does. Nobody ever does, so why should you, huh?

That's it.

The lint monster isn't just 1 person;

it is the entire building.

All of those sweatpants, the granny bras, those bath mats...

And my mustard shirt.

They all conspire together to make that one gross orange!

- Huh. - Well, we solved it. Ah!

Next up, finding that jerk who keeps leaving scientology posters on the wall.

(cell phone ringing)

This is the woolly mammoth.

- [Does she know anything?] - She knows nothing.

Good, good.

It's time for Operation Cheeto-Fingers.

Roger that.

This'll teach her to use her own damn laundry quarters.

So long, Agent Orange. Over and out.

Being a double agent is fun.

Plus, you get to use all those passports.

Well, here you go. I hope you like it. I know

I totally believe in it.

This is an odd direction.

"Hey, kids. I'm the Iron Man.

I like to wink and point at things. The end."

- Uh, love the Iron Man part. - Mm-hmm.

Really like the wink-and-point thing,

but the part where you crap all over me, it's kind of abrupty.

Again, not a real word.

I mean, if you didn't want to do the favour for me,

- you should have just said so. - I didn't mind doing the favour.

I did mind feeling like an indentured sandwich slave.

Look, I'm sorry I took you for granted.

- I really do appreciate you. - Really?

- Most of the time. - I'll take that.

All right, listen.

What do you say we work on this thing together?

Uh, I think that sounds like a superlative idea.

Who's making up words now?

Hey, I got your opening walk.

- Slo-mo superhero. - With a wink?

The wink is the glue.

(making sound effects)

- I should wear a cape. - Nope.

- Well, how about a leotard? - Nope.

- Oh, I know, a mask! - What? No.

We are aware that your organization has

been trying to introduce your national delicacies

to the North American market for some time now...

become a Yankee Strudel Dandy, if you will.

- (David and Steph laugh.) - I always like to start with a joke.

I look forward to hearing one.

Delightful.

Well, maybe we should start out with what I consider to be

a staple of your chain.

The Mettbrotchen. Stephanie?

Uh...

To your foodie,

a sandwich made with raw meat and onions on bread rolls

may not sound appealing.

But you deep fry that thing in mayonnaise

and call it a crispy mayo-meatwich,

and we'll have people lining up around the block.

- Stephanie? - Right.

Uh, as a... as a side dish,

we'll add Pellkartoffeln, but call them German fries.

Ah, like French fries, but with less surrender.

Exactly.

If you see, this map shows that you will be dominating Western Europe

from the Mediterranean all the way to the Baltic sea.

(McSchnitzels): Hmm, ja.

(Bryce whispering)

Hmm? Yes, our slogan.

We suggest "For better or for Bratwurst".

Bryce, why don't we show them the t-shirts?

Yes, why don't we show them the t-shirts? Right this way.

Yes, let's show the Germans the t-shirts.

Let's show the Germans the t-shirts,

show the Germans the t-shirts. They must see our t-shirts!

Let's show the Germans the t-shirts.

They must LOVE our t-shirts!

(McSchnitzels): Wunderbar!

Yes, it do believe it will be wunderbar when you...

Bryce, for God's sakes.

When you are working with DLPR.

And by the way, I am the DL in DLPR.

My name is Dave Lyons.

- You have me convinced. - Where we sign?

- Uh, right here. - That does it, then.

Well, I think it's gonna be wonderful to be working with you,

because, quite frankly,

I love you.

I love you!

We all love them, sir!

- I love you too. - Oh, thank you, Bryce.

Thank you so much.

Goodbye. Have a safe trip home.

Auf Wiedersehen.

- Auf Wiedersehen. - Guten Tag.

- (Dave chuckles weakly) - Well, done, Bryce.

- Back at you. - Yeah.

How much longer will he be out?

Well, according to his own calculations, another two and a half days.

You know, it's kind of cute seeing him like this,

so innocent, like a sleeping kitten.

We should put his hand in warm water and see if he pees.

Ah!

How goes the day, team?

Dad, that's amazing. How are you feeling?

I feel great, thanks for asking,

but where the hell are those Germans? I thought

those people were supposed to be punctual. I tell ya,

they never would have kept Poland waiting like this.

- So, drinks at Manion's? - Great idea.

Yes.

Sir?

We should... just go.

What about that time in College, when I brought home that pizza...

and I gave you a slice...

and you said "thanks, I owe you."

(laughter)

- Why am I so angry? - What is happening?

Why am I so mad?

That is ridiculous.

Woah, man!

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