Original subtitles

Declan, watching a concert

by a 20-year-old virgin made me feel young.

Cool, 'cause you're, like, really old, right?

Yeah, that's why that's cool. Welcome aboard.

Your Pushing Sexy Back tour is gonna be huge!

Cool. Always happy to hang with my PR peeps.

Oh, Mr. Savage, before you go, will you do your "Knees Together" dance?

Gordon! He is not a dancing monkey.

No, no, no, I don't mind giving it up for my fans.

I thought the point was he didn't give it up for anybody.

No sex, no sex tonight. No sex

If I wasn't married, and he was gay...

- And he was older. - Not a problem.

- And if he wasn't a client. - Wouldn't stop me.

- It really should. - Come on, everybody in the house!

- Okay. - One, two, three, four.

No sex, no sex

Definitely making me not want to have sex.

No sex tonight

Beckett's just jealous because, unlike him, Declan is a virgin at 20 by choice.

- Oh. - I was a late bloomer.

I was so pink and hairless, my nickname was Rosebud.

Oh, Declan forgot his contracts.

- I'll run them over to him, sir. - Oh, no, Bryce. I need you

to go to the airport to pick up that imported bottle of scotch.

I thought that wasn't coming in until tomorrow morning.

Bryce, these aren't things you leave to chance.

I'll go. Maybe he'll stand up and dance with me.

I'll go. Maybe he'll lie down and dance with me.

- No, he won't. - I'll go. I can probably

- still catch him in his limo. - Thank you.

Well, chief, you remember your first time?

Oh, God, Nelson, like it was yesterday. But...

who the hell did I have sex with yesterday?

Fill the lens

With all your friends

Oh now is forever

Come on fill the lens

With all your friends

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Morning, boys. Is it me, or is the sun shining

a little bit brighter?

Those were my grandma's last words to me

right before the motorcycle hit her.

I believe our little Stephie is talking

about the ab-tastic Declan Savage.

Did he mention me at all? or...

Oh, let's just say your name didn't come up.

- No way! - Hate to break it to you,

Nelson, but not all hot guys are gay for you.

I don't believe it.

It's true. Some men like women.

Yeah, you would know. From Declan's Twitter feed:

"I can't believe I waited 20 years to do the sex.

See you in my dreams, Stephanie."

Oh, my God! Why would he tweet that?

I don't know. Why would he tweet,

"Glad there's no polio anymore.

Now everyone can dance to my music"?

Well, did he at least give you a ride home?

- Yes. - Back seat, or handlebars?

Okay, this isn't a disaster. He didn't say my

last name, so maybe my dad doesn't know yet.

No, scroll down. "Stephanie Lyons,"

that's you... "at DLPR firm,"

"sex with you makes my heart go boom."

- It's not really the heart that goes boom. - I can't believe this.

Neither can I. You've replaced your father as my hero!

No, it was just this nice, sweet night

where I deflowered the world's most famous virgin.

Well, that's totes adorbs.

Added bonus for him: it happened on a school night.

Joke's on you... he's a dropout.

- What are you gonna tell your dad? - Nothing. I'm not ashamed.

(Dave): Son of a bitch! What has she done now?

I'm gonna go hide in the broom closet.

So, I'm guessing you heard about Declan and Stephanie.

Yes, because my client, Declan Savage,

tweeted that he had "the sex" with my daughter.

And then it was re-tweeted thousands upon thousands of times

that my client, Declan Savage, had "the sex" with my daughter.

So, we're all up to speed, then.

We need to look out for the interests of our client.

I suggest we go into full-on character-assassination mode.

Exactly. Leak a sex tape. You show the world

she's a sexual predator and humiliate the girl.

Yes, make her the monster; our client is the victim.

We can't do that.

- What? It's just business. - She's our colleague!

And your daughter.

Oh, my God. You're right.

What the hell kind of man am I?

I mean... but if she was anyone else,

I mean, it would be my duty as the head of this firm to destroy her, and...

every instinct in me cries out for me to do that.

Right, but... since we can't,

I'm assuming you have a fallback plan?

No, I don't. Scorched earth is the only thing I know.

Look, I'm gonna have to put you guys in charge of this, all right?

Now, you just serve the interests of our client, and...

and make sure you protect Stephanie... from me.

You got it, chief. We will not let you down.

Well, the fact that you're still standing there means you already have.

- Where have you been? - I stepped outside

to get some fresh air, and a band of rabid tweens

- started throwing eggs and garbage at me. - Ugh.

Luckily, they throw like 12-year-old girls.

So, what's my dad gonna do?

Uh, well, he kind of opted out and wants me and Nelson to take over.

Oh, God, you two are in charge? All right, where do we start?

- Okay, do you have a sex tape? - No!

Well, not anymore.

First thing we do, we make another sex tape.

- Nelson, don't be disgusting. - It could be with you.

Well, I mean, we could do it artistically.

I'm not gonna make a sex tape.

Yeah, no, she's... we're not gonna make a... This is crazy. You're disgusting.

- Ugh. - See you. All right,

I'm on top of you... it! I'm on top of it!

Sorry I'm late, sir.

It took longer than expected to clear customs

with your shipment of 70-year-old scotch.

Turns out, if you're being inspected by drug-sniffing dogs,

probably not a good day to wear hemp pants.

- Drink with me, Bryce. - Oh, my.

Is this a symbol of our everlasting professional union?

May I confide in you, Bryce?

Oh, Dave. I have dreamed of this day for years.

Only, in the dream, I'm a little taller and have a real-world girlfriend.

Earlier today, I had to make a choice

between supporting a client or protecting my daughter.

And every instinct I have cried out,

- "Save the client; destroy the girl!" - Good instincts, sir.

Bryce, the girl is Stephanie.

She should be my first priority.

Why the hell isn't she?

I mean, I really think I need to be

a little less of a shark and more of a, you know,

dear old dad type, you know? A Bill Cosby,

or a Bob Saget, you know?

I mean, for God's sakes,

Homer Simpson is a better father than I am.

OJ Simpson is a better father than I am.

I think you would make an excellent TV father,

- if that means anything, sir. - Thanks, Bryce, but it really doesn't.

No, I think I need to focus

on being more of a loving and supportive father,

by taking an indefinite leave of absence.

Bryce, that was an $800 spit take.

- Gonna make it through. - Uh, Declan?

Declan. Yo, kiss and tweet!

If it's not

too much trouble, would you mind asking your colleagues

- to give us a little privacy? - Huh?

Fellas, get up on out of here!

Stephie, how's my baby boo?

Your baby boo has been better.

We have a little bit of a PR problem on our hands.

Yeah, yeah, I know, baby,

but I don't even know what I did wrong.

Everyone's been yelling at me all day.

I keep telling everyone to chill, but no one's chillin'.

Yes, the reason no one's "chillin'"

is because you're on the Pushin' Sexy Back tour.

You were a role model for a commitment to a principle.

And it looks like you threw it away

for a one-night stand.

Well, I wouldn't say, "threw it away."

Declan, you need to make this right.

How?

Where?

Why?

Which is also the name of my new single. It drops next month. Check it out.

Yeah, that's dope. Listen,

what you need to do is make a public statement at a press conference

and end this mess. It's the right thing to do.

Yeah, I hear you, bros.

But, baby girl...

- Oh. - ...I want you to know,

you're the best I ever had.

- Well... - Isn't she the only you ever had?

Okay.

Oh, uh, sir, are you really

- going on paternity leave? - Yes.

Well, I hate to be selfish at a time like this,

but do I still have a job?

Oh, well, of course you do, Bryce. You were in the contract

when I took over the building's lease.

You're just now the executive assistant

to the next-most-senior employee of the firm.

- Who's that? - Here's the list of my

allergies and my emergency contact number.

Gordon, one says, "Mom," and the other is just a paw print.

If it's after 9, I'd go with the paw print.

Okay, Declan is gonna dump you

like yesterday's garbage so that his fans will forgive him

for sleeping with you, but you've gotta act surprised.

I can act. I got raves as a healthy carrot in my 2nd-grade play.

They gotta think he's a heartbreaker, so if you can

beg and cry and stuff, it'd be great.

I know I can totally do that.

- Are you all right? - See?

Oh, okay, yeah, that's good. Do that.

- That's good. - Woo! What up, y'all?

- Woo! - All right, Declan Savage,

ladies and gentlemen. Man of the hour.

All right, thank you.

- Remember what we talked about. - Yeah.

Whew. Thanks, y'all, for coming.

I'm here with a super awesome lady, Stephanie Lyons.

(laughing): Hi! This goes out to you,

Cheryl Yaremko. Who's the loser now? Ha! Ha!

Okay, so, like,

I'm sorry I let you all down and stuff,

what with having sex during the Pushin' Sexy Back tour; that one's on me.

So, big apology to myself and to the Lord.

Always good to shout-out the Lord.

And most importantly, to my fans.

But to everyone who's up in Stephanie's grill,

you don't know how special she is.

Yeah, I'm special.

She's not just beautiful because of her sick bod and smokin' face.

You heard him. I'm sick and I'm smokin'.

But I can't just keep doing the sex with this hottie.

Y'all know what I gotta do.

- Drop the hammer, Savage. - And finish her.

Stephanie Lyons, will you forgive me for tweeting about us?

- Yes. - Stephanie Lyons,

- will you marry me? - Yeah!

Wait, what?

- (reporters talking) - Okay, party's over!

(all talking)

Yes?! You said yes?!

What was I supposed to say?!

No! You were supposed to say no!

I got swept up in the moment!

Now I'm gonna be Stephanie Savage.

Only if you're twice as stupid as he is and you actually marry him!

I don't want to marry him! I want to be single!

Well, maybe you should have thought of that

before committing to a lifetime of exactly the opposite!

Maybe my dad shouldn't have put you two in charge.

Hey! Sweetie, look what I got us.

- It's tandem bike. - What the hell?

Yeah, so that we can go biking.

Tandemly!

You know, just bonding and biking, biking and bonding,

'cause my job is to love and support you

no matter what you've done, 'cause you're Daddy's

precious little flower,

who could so easily be crushed.

But don't you worry about that, because Beckett

and Nelson have things well in hand, right?

- Yes, sir. - Yeah, obviously.

Okay, you don't need me here.

What was that?

Dad from the '50s?

Ugh. I've always wanted a loving father.

Eww! That was creepy!

Ho, ho. Hey, hey, hey.

Dad, is it okay to talk?

Of course it's okay; I've got my listening ears on.

Why wouldn't it be?

Because you say things like "listening ears",

and you wear cardigans, and... whose glasses are those?

You know, I think I know what you need.

A grilled-cheese sandwich

and some tomato soup.

Come on, sit down, have a seat, come on, stop your fussin'.

Oh, doesn't that look good, huh?

I bet you're feeling pretty... pretty darned

loved and supported right about now, huh?

Dad, girls are throwing purity rings at me over Declan Savage,

and for 13-year-olds, they have impeccable aim.

Oh, well, that's only

because your lust destroyed everything he stood for.

- What? - Just have some soup.

Okay, I just... I just agreed to marry an idiot.

You sure did.

A sexually inexperienced idiot.

- Uh-huh. - God, all that energy, but no skill.

You probably shouldn't be sharing that

with your dear ol' dad.

You're kind of, uh... you know,

attacking a client, and Daddy's love and support for you

is really being pushed to the limit.

Great. Big help, Dad. Thanks.

Oh, don't thank me; thank the ol' listenin' ears.

You know I love you. And I support you.

(breathing quickly)

And who the hell's glasses are these, anyway?

Weeee!

Did you have something for me to do, sir?

Sir? Is Dave back?

No, you are sir.

I haven't been called sir since they sat me at Red Lobster.

So, do you have something for me to do, sir?

As a matter of fact, I do.

My cookie's too big to dunk in this coffee.

No, don't break it!

No problem. Why don't I get you a bigger cup?

- You are a genius. - Thank you, Gordon.

Oh... Aw!

Can you get me some cookie glue?

Okay, so, I tell him saying yes was a mistake and I can't marry him.

Good, keep it simple. You think you can do that?

- I do. - Ah! Don't say, "I do."

- Oh, right. - Do say you can't marry him.

Then go for the old standby: "We can still be friends."

- I don't want to be friends. - Do you want him as a client?

- I do. - Ah-ah-ah! Nope. Stop saying that.

Okay, here he comes.

- Hi. - Hey, babe. You look beautiful,

like one of those underwear models, except with clothes on.

Okay.

Declan, I know

that I took something very precious from you. I remember my first time.

I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with Chaz,

but he got held back a grade, so...

I think you're trying to tell me something.

And I want you to know...

I don't know what it is.

He is so stupid, I'm finding him less attractive.

Declan, even though what we had was very special,

- it wasn't meant to last. - Oh, cool, cool,

'cause I was worried that I finished too quick,

but I'm glad to know that's normal for the sex.

No, no. (She laughs.)

That's not what I was talking about.

And please, stop calling it "the sex".

I meant you and I as a couple can't last.

- What are you trying to say? - I'm trying to say I can't marry you.

- Whoa. - Declan, I'm sorry, I just...

Oh...

Why is your face doing that?

Oh, are you crying?

This is just like after we had the sex... sex! Damn it!

You're dumping me?!

My life is over!

How could I sing about love if I don't have any?

How could I sing at all?

- (camera clicking) - Stop photographing my emotions!

- Declan, wait! - (bystanders all talking)

We'll tell Dave we're close.

Bryce! Bryce!

Bryce! Bryce! Bryce! Bryce!

Bryce! Bryce! Bryce! Bryce! Bryce!

- Bryce! Bryce! - Yes, sir.

Look, I'm Dave! Ha! Ha!

The spitting image.

Well, I've done everything you asked.

I capped all your pens,

then up-capped them to make sure they still had ink in them,

and then capped them again. So, what's next?

Oh, I don't know. There wasn't anything as urgent as those pens.

Really?

Oh!

Look at that. I dropped all the files.

Are you gonna yell at me now for my clumsiness?

No way. That was recycling.

Great job!

Okay, I do have something for you, but it's really hard.

Oh, anything, please. Anything to escape the monotony

of being so carefree.

I need you to find out what floors the window washers are on...

- Mm-hmm. - ...and wave at them.

But be careful not to startle them... apparently.

For pity's sake, Gordon. I am used to performing

multiple tasks on impossible deadlines for an emotionally abusive boss.

(whining): And I miss it so much!

I have a solution, then.

I guess that's why they put me in the big chair.

You need to go and tell Dave to come back to work

because you need him.

Really? Just tell him? Do I dare?

You have no choice. You're fired.

Well, in that case, I quit!

It's fun to fire someone.

"Gordon, you're fired!"

"But I've worked here my whole life!"

"I don't care! No pension for you!"

"How will I feed my cat?"

(Gordon fake crying)

Hi, Dad.

Hey there, sweetie.

You know, my schedule's pretty open these days.

I was thinking maybe you and me should get us an RV.

Do a little daughter-daddy road trip. What do you say?

Head on down to Disneyland or Graceland or Legoland,

or really any of the "land" destinations will do.

Dad, please, I am freaking out.

In the past 24 hours, I slept with a virgin,

got engaged, broke up,

and now I have a tween fatwa declared against me!

Well... there, there.

(sigh) And now Declan says

that he'll never sing again, and he keeps sending me

pictures of himself sobbing... shirtless.

Well, you know, don't you worry your little head none about it.

Papa's gonna make you feel better.

Papa wouldn't have to make me feel better

if Beckett and Nelson did their job!

I think I know what we need to do.

Let's take us a tandem bike ride and do some bonding, huh?

- (She sighs.) - What do you say?

I don't need a dad; I need Dave Lyons.

Really?

Yes!

Thank God. Do you have a sex tape?

- Dad! - I know, I know! It's too much, too much.

I gotta find a balance, but our road trip is gonna have to wait.

I have to set up a meeting with Savage

immediately, all right? I've got some PR to do.

Oh, sir, we need to talk. I appreciate your concern

for your daughter's floozy behaviour.

Hi, Stephanie.

But the thing is, I need you to come back to work.

Will do, Bryce.

Wow. I'm better at this sort of thing than I thought.

Nice work, Bryce.

Aw, come on!

I'd like to thank you all for being here today.

Yes, Declan Savage had sex with one Stephanie Lyons

and lived to tweet the tale.

But that was just because he wanted

to announce to the world that he is a changed man,

for he had been living a lie!

Declan having sexual relations with my daughter

was simply a desperate cry for help.

Thank you... Dad.

So, please,

say goodbye to Declan Savage,

sweet, innocent young boy,

and say hello

to Declan Savage, sex-crazed rock star!

A lover of the ladies,

preferably between the ages of 19 and 28...

no olds, please.

- Woo! - Woo! Aw!

My PR peep Dave Lyons is right! I do love intercourse.

That's why, starting tomorrow,

- I'm unleashing the Savage Beast tour. - Are there any questions?

Mr. Savage, how has this experience changed you?

I learned that losing your virginity is a very private thing,

so next time I lose it,

I'm not gonna tell anyone.

Not even the girl.

The good news is, he's the dumbest guy you'll ever date.

I don't know, Beckett... you still have a chance.

This shiz-nizzle is on the market!

Get it while it's fresh!

Whoa.

You know the biggest disappointment of your one-day engagement?

- What? - We never got to do your couple nickname.

- Oh, yeah. - Stepha-dec.

Dec-lanie.

Stepha-dec-lani.

Although that one sounds like an STD.

You know what your couple nickname would be?

- Mm? - Becka-hand.

(bicycle bell)

Weeee!

Weeeeee!

Whoa! Whoa!

(crash)

They make a cute couple.

- Okay, dad. - Let me get that for you. There.

(audience laughing)

- A little? - I got it, I got it, I got it all.

- There we go. - (Stephanie laughs)

There we go.

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