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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,772 --> 00:00:04,771 - (elevator bell) - There you are! 2 00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:07,441 I've been looking everywhere for you. Happy Birthday, Dad! 3 00:00:07,442 --> 00:00:09,809 Sweetie, please, don't mention that again. Honestly. 4 00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:12,846 And make sure you tell everyone: no gifts. 5 00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:15,849 - Sir, are we upset about turning 50? - No. 6 00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:18,791 Just think, if this were the Middle Ages, you'd already be dead. 7 00:00:18,817 --> 00:00:19,786 Well, thank you, Bryce. 8 00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,421 But I'm just not in the mood for celebrating. 9 00:00:21,447 --> 00:00:22,421 Well, get in the mood! 10 00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:25,191 I have a big surprise party planned for you! 11 00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:28,194 Traditionally, you don't tell someone you're going to surprise them. 12 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:31,865 Well, don't worry about it, sweetheart. Nothing surprises me anyway. 13 00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:34,367 - Don't even try, Gordon. - (crowd laughing) 14 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,803 - All right. - No, you're gonna be surprised this time: 15 00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:39,643 I have 4 of your best pals from high school coming up to the office. 16 00:00:39,643 --> 00:00:40,869 - What? - Yeah! 17 00:00:40,869 --> 00:00:42,074 Oh, sweetie... 18 00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:44,442 You really shouldn't have. 19 00:00:44,443 --> 00:00:47,412 Sir, your 4 best pals from high school?! 20 00:00:47,413 --> 00:00:49,982 What were you guys? A rowing crew? 21 00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:52,217 Young entrepreneurs? An improv troupe? 22 00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:55,554 No, not exactly. (elevator bell) 23 00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:59,091 - (all, zombie-like): Surprise. - (crowd cheering) 24 00:01:01,493 --> 00:01:03,761 Hello, Daveen. 25 00:01:03,762 --> 00:01:06,230 (crowd laughing and cheering) 26 00:01:06,231 --> 00:01:08,432 (screaming) 27 00:01:11,737 --> 00:01:14,271 Fill the lens 28 00:01:14,272 --> 00:01:17,175 With all your friends 29 00:01:17,176 --> 00:01:20,745 Oh now 30 00:01:20,746 --> 00:01:22,746 Is forever 31 00:01:22,747 --> 00:01:26,116 Come on, fill the lens 32 00:01:26,117 --> 00:01:28,932 With all your friends 33 00:01:28,933 --> 00:01:31,182 synced and corrected by awaqeded www.addic7ed.com 34 00:01:31,533 --> 00:01:34,569 Okay, so here we have some coffee, and there's some sugar and cream. 35 00:01:34,570 --> 00:01:37,505 But you guys probably like your coffee black. (forced laugh) 36 00:01:37,506 --> 00:01:41,108 - (crowd laughing) - It's just a joke. 37 00:01:41,109 --> 00:01:42,676 Really? 38 00:01:42,677 --> 00:01:44,844 (crowd laughing again) 39 00:01:46,081 --> 00:01:48,849 Wow! This is a really nice office. 40 00:01:48,850 --> 00:01:51,118 Yeah. Daveen did really well for himself. 41 00:01:51,119 --> 00:01:53,187 This place really is breathtaking. 42 00:01:53,188 --> 00:01:55,322 (forced cough) 43 00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,524 Sorry, I always get a bad taste in my mouth 44 00:01:57,525 --> 00:01:59,525 when I'm in a corporate whorehouse. 45 00:01:59,526 --> 00:02:02,028 - (others agreeing) - Stinks of money! 46 00:02:02,029 --> 00:02:03,529 Where is Daveen? 47 00:02:03,530 --> 00:02:05,531 It's like he doesn't even want us here. 48 00:02:05,532 --> 00:02:07,700 You know, I took the bus all the way from Orillia. 49 00:02:07,701 --> 00:02:10,469 - I came from China. - (crowd laughing) 50 00:02:10,470 --> 00:02:12,905 But I didn't have to endure the bus. 51 00:02:12,906 --> 00:02:15,975 - (crowd laughing) - What up? 52 00:02:15,976 --> 00:02:17,977 Hey, suit. 53 00:02:17,978 --> 00:02:21,046 - (crowd laughing) - So, back in high school, 54 00:02:21,047 --> 00:02:23,181 what did you guys, like, do? 55 00:02:23,182 --> 00:02:25,717 Mostly, we hung around Damian's mom's basement, 56 00:02:25,718 --> 00:02:29,221 contemplating the mind-numbing existence of a godless universe. 57 00:02:29,222 --> 00:02:32,858 - (crowd laughing) - And we saw a lot of bands. 58 00:02:32,859 --> 00:02:34,826 So Goths are like, 59 00:02:34,827 --> 00:02:37,095 what, sad vampires? 60 00:02:37,096 --> 00:02:39,497 Oh, we're not like vampires. 61 00:02:39,498 --> 00:02:41,599 Because we don't plan to live forever. 62 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,702 (Goths chuckling) 63 00:02:44,703 --> 00:02:47,472 Now that's a joke, Goldilocks! 64 00:02:47,473 --> 00:02:49,641 (crowd laughing) 65 00:02:49,642 --> 00:02:52,677 So, what were you? In a Goth band? 66 00:02:52,678 --> 00:02:54,812 No, we weren't in a Goth band! 67 00:02:54,813 --> 00:02:58,115 - We had a suicide pact. - (crowd laughing) 68 00:02:58,116 --> 00:03:00,818 Bryce, we- 69 00:03:00,819 --> 00:03:03,453 We agreed that when the youngest of us turned 50, 70 00:03:03,454 --> 00:03:06,657 we would get together and end our bondage to this empty world. 71 00:03:06,658 --> 00:03:09,126 - (crowd laughing) - Well sir, a suicide pact... 72 00:03:09,127 --> 00:03:12,429 - Should I call the police? - No! No, we can't do that. 73 00:03:12,430 --> 00:03:14,016 Not to Damian. 74 00:03:14,017 --> 00:03:16,088 - Which one is Damian? - You couldn't tell? 75 00:03:16,089 --> 00:03:19,703 Honestly, sir, they all seem like slight variations on a theme. 76 00:03:19,704 --> 00:03:21,407 - (crowd laughing) - Bryce, I know it seems crazy, 77 00:03:21,408 --> 00:03:23,265 but Damian's just always had this effect on me. 78 00:03:23,266 --> 00:03:24,974 I mean, he has this effect on all of us! 79 00:03:24,975 --> 00:03:27,743 You know, he's just so damn charismatic! 80 00:03:27,744 --> 00:03:30,313 You must be feeling it too. 81 00:03:30,314 --> 00:03:33,283 - No, sir. Not in the least. - Really? 82 00:03:33,284 --> 00:03:35,484 Uh, dad, you're being rude. 83 00:03:35,485 --> 00:03:37,486 Sweetheart, hey. 84 00:03:37,487 --> 00:03:39,856 They're waiting for you, and you're in here drinking! 85 00:03:39,857 --> 00:03:42,624 Oh, sweetheart, I know you've put a lot of work into 86 00:03:42,625 --> 00:03:45,160 making this a great birthday and I really do appreciate it. 87 00:03:45,161 --> 00:03:48,197 And though no fault of your own, you have opened up the gates to Hell! 88 00:03:48,198 --> 00:03:52,000 - But were you surprised? - (crowd laughing) 89 00:03:55,138 --> 00:03:58,993 Oh! Hey, Facebook friends. 90 00:03:58,994 --> 00:04:01,543 My dad'll just be a minute. 91 00:04:01,544 --> 00:04:04,212 Your beautiful blonde hair disgusts me. 92 00:04:04,213 --> 00:04:05,717 - (crowd laughing) - I'm sorry, what? 93 00:04:05,718 --> 00:04:07,309 Are you seeing anyone? 94 00:04:07,717 --> 00:04:10,518 - (crowd laughing again) - You're my dad's age, so... 95 00:04:10,519 --> 00:04:12,587 In the dark, we have no age. 96 00:04:12,588 --> 00:04:14,823 But if my back goes out, you'll have to do all the work. 97 00:04:14,824 --> 00:04:17,359 - Kewl? - (crowd laughing) 98 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,527 Lots to think about... sir. 99 00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:22,363 Beckett, Nelson! 100 00:04:22,364 --> 00:04:25,031 She's thinking about it! 101 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:28,502 - All right! - What are you still doing here? 102 00:04:28,503 --> 00:04:32,005 - We wanted to watch the freaks. - No, no, no! 103 00:04:32,006 --> 00:04:35,108 You're supposed to be hanging decorations. We're on a very tight schedule! 104 00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:38,612 - Did you at least get the dry ice machine? - You were serious about that?! 105 00:04:38,613 --> 00:04:39,653 (crowd laughing) 106 00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:42,835 Don't worry, Stephanie. I'll go get the dry ice. 107 00:04:42,917 --> 00:04:46,386 Besides, those German mimes scare me. 108 00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:49,855 (crowd laughing) 109 00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:58,598 - Hey, guys. - Is it Daveen? 110 00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,270 - It is. - Spin me! 111 00:05:00,271 --> 00:05:02,271 (crowd laughing) 112 00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,110 I'm getting a really weird vibe from you, Daveen. 113 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:14,146 It's almost like you don't want us here. 114 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,582 No, no, no, no! 115 00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:19,318 No, that's crazy. No, I'm so excited you're here. 116 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,253 I want to get all caught up, I mean, so much has happened 117 00:05:22,254 --> 00:05:26,090 since we were young and dark and hanging out in your mom's basement. 118 00:05:26,091 --> 00:05:29,661 Actually, I still live in my mother's basement. 119 00:05:29,695 --> 00:05:30,458 (crowd laughing) 120 00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:32,366 Really? Does she still watch the weather channel 121 00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,833 with her house dress coquettishly half open? 122 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,869 - (crowd laughing) - Yes. 123 00:05:37,870 --> 00:05:40,505 And she's still cruel and sadistic. 124 00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:43,173 Last night she interrupted my blood letting ritual 125 00:05:43,174 --> 00:05:44,842 with pizza bagels! 126 00:05:44,843 --> 00:05:48,779 - How banal. - So first world. 127 00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:52,516 I think it's amazing that Damian's never sold out. 128 00:05:52,517 --> 00:05:54,585 - Yeah. - Yes, Daveen. 129 00:05:54,586 --> 00:05:56,887 What do you think of a 52-year-old man 130 00:05:56,888 --> 00:05:59,389 who still lives in his mother's basement? 131 00:05:59,390 --> 00:06:03,293 I think you're the bravest man I've ever met. 132 00:06:03,294 --> 00:06:06,163 - (crowd laughing) - Then join us. Join us. 133 00:06:06,164 --> 00:06:08,731 Parents, huh. Can't live with 'em, and... 134 00:06:08,732 --> 00:06:11,168 there are other options. 135 00:06:11,169 --> 00:06:14,604 - Sir, can I talk to you for a minute? - Huh? 136 00:06:19,210 --> 00:06:22,311 - Hey, you didn't get Dave anything, right? - No, of course not. 137 00:06:22,312 --> 00:06:23,812 Dave said "no gifts". 138 00:06:23,813 --> 00:06:27,216 Man, Stephanie is the worst party planner in history. 139 00:06:27,217 --> 00:06:31,053 Remember her 3-days-before-Easter party? 140 00:06:31,054 --> 00:06:34,756 - Yeah. Terrible Friday. - (crowd laughing) 141 00:06:34,757 --> 00:06:37,526 Where's the photographer?! 142 00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:39,795 What's the 20 on the photographer? 143 00:06:39,796 --> 00:06:43,632 - Calm down, I'm right here. - Never mind. We found the photographer. 144 00:06:43,633 --> 00:06:46,368 You're not talking to anyone on that, are you? 145 00:06:46,369 --> 00:06:48,336 Smile! 146 00:06:48,337 --> 00:06:50,839 Stephanie, I have the ice. Where do you want it? 147 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,542 Gordon, that is dry ice. It's gonna burn through your hands! 148 00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:57,713 - Don't be silly. Ice doesn't BUUURRRRN!!! - (crowd laughing) 149 00:06:57,714 --> 00:07:01,649 Sir, I have never seen you like this. Please get a hold of yourself. 150 00:07:01,650 --> 00:07:04,018 You are Dave Lyons, for God's sake! 151 00:07:05,286 --> 00:07:07,021 You're right, Bryce. 152 00:07:07,022 --> 00:07:10,024 I'm Dave Lyons! But I can't find my eyeliner. 153 00:07:10,025 --> 00:07:14,328 Can you run to the pharmacy and get me one? I want to look cool for Damian. 154 00:07:14,329 --> 00:07:17,097 - What the hell was that?! - It was a slap, sir. 155 00:07:17,098 --> 00:07:20,534 Oh, for God's sakes, Bryce! If you're gonna slap a man, you better slap him... 156 00:07:20,535 --> 00:07:22,502 - Ow! - (crowd laughing) 157 00:07:22,503 --> 00:07:24,871 Thank you, Bryce. Good to have you back, sir. 158 00:07:24,872 --> 00:07:27,440 Yeah, I think it's about time I kicked some Goth ass, huh? 159 00:07:27,441 --> 00:07:29,643 Yeah, I'll tell Damian I will commit suicide 160 00:07:29,644 --> 00:07:31,745 over my dead body! 161 00:07:31,746 --> 00:07:34,114 (crowd laughing) 162 00:07:38,185 --> 00:07:40,420 Hey, guys. 163 00:07:40,421 --> 00:07:42,989 Daveen. We've been expecting you. 164 00:07:42,990 --> 00:07:46,025 Welcome to the semi-circle of despair. 165 00:07:46,026 --> 00:07:49,762 Where did you get all the candelabras? 166 00:07:49,763 --> 00:07:52,365 - At the Candelabrium. - On Bathurst. 167 00:07:52,366 --> 00:07:56,102 - (crowd laughing) - They sell only candelabras. 168 00:07:56,103 --> 00:07:58,859 They were having a going-out-of-business sale. 169 00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:00,130 Obviously. 170 00:08:01,875 --> 00:08:03,570 - Hey, guys. - (all): Shoes! 171 00:08:03,571 --> 00:08:04,554 Sorry. 172 00:08:05,946 --> 00:08:08,047 Guys, can we talk ab... 173 00:08:08,048 --> 00:08:10,082 You guys are all wearing shoes! 174 00:08:10,083 --> 00:08:13,085 - (crowd laughing) - Life isn't fair, Daveen. 175 00:08:13,086 --> 00:08:14,954 That's why we're ending It. 176 00:08:14,955 --> 00:08:18,290 (crowd laughing) Guys, can we talk about the pact? 177 00:08:18,291 --> 00:08:20,593 What's to talk about? We all agreed, 178 00:08:20,594 --> 00:08:22,695 when the last one of us turns 50, 179 00:08:22,696 --> 00:08:25,263 if the world isn't cool yet, we'd kill ourselves. 180 00:08:25,264 --> 00:08:27,299 Beep beep beep. News flash: 181 00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:29,501 the world isn't cool yet. 182 00:08:29,502 --> 00:08:32,504 Well, Julia Louis Dreyfus is always delightful. 183 00:08:32,505 --> 00:08:35,807 - That's true. - (others mumbling in agreement) 184 00:08:35,808 --> 00:08:38,276 It's just not enough! 185 00:08:39,812 --> 00:08:42,914 Besides, we signed a contract in blood. 186 00:08:42,915 --> 00:08:45,984 And I remember it clearly because we used my blood. 187 00:08:45,985 --> 00:08:49,354 And Damian insisted on several additional clauses. 188 00:08:49,355 --> 00:08:51,456 Well, if God did exist, 189 00:08:51,457 --> 00:08:53,525 he'd be in the details. 190 00:08:54,727 --> 00:08:57,194 I'm sorry, guys, but this is insane. 191 00:08:57,195 --> 00:08:59,296 I'm-I'm-I'm out of the pact. 192 00:08:59,297 --> 00:09:01,698 Yeah, but you promised. 193 00:09:01,699 --> 00:09:04,668 I may have promised, but I... 194 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,837 - You're right. - (crowd laughing) 195 00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:08,972 I promised. I'm in. 196 00:09:08,973 --> 00:09:11,175 Excellent. 197 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:14,137 So, we kill ourselves then. At the witching hour. 198 00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:16,514 Yes! 10:45. 199 00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:19,316 I always thought the witching hour was midnight. 200 00:09:19,317 --> 00:09:21,317 But I was always wrong. 201 00:09:21,318 --> 00:09:23,419 10:45 it is. 202 00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:25,855 The witching hour! 203 00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:29,225 - (crowd laughing) - Tonight, we die as we lived! 204 00:09:29,226 --> 00:09:31,727 Self-righteous and afraid. 205 00:09:31,728 --> 00:09:33,729 Of jocks. 206 00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:36,366 I mean, what's their problem anyway? 207 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:39,402 - There are other ways to get up a rope. - Yeah. 208 00:09:43,719 --> 00:09:45,853 (door opening) 209 00:09:45,854 --> 00:09:49,356 - So... talked to the guys. - And? 210 00:09:49,357 --> 00:09:51,592 And we came to an understanding. 211 00:09:51,593 --> 00:09:55,329 - You agreed to kill yourself, didn't you? - Yes, I did, Bryce. I'm sorry. 212 00:09:55,330 --> 00:09:58,965 But you don't understand. There's just no arguing with that guy. 213 00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:01,368 I mean, he's just literally dripping with charisma! 214 00:10:01,369 --> 00:10:05,206 And when he gives you those pouty eyes, you feel terrible about disappointing him. 215 00:10:05,207 --> 00:10:08,375 I understand, sir. I'll just ask the cleaning staff 216 00:10:08,376 --> 00:10:10,710 if they have any extra bleach and 5 body bags. 217 00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:13,746 - Thank you, Bryce. Thank you. - Sir, that was sarcasm! 218 00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:16,982 Clearly the problem here is that Damian fellow! 219 00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,352 I say we cut this snake off at the head. 220 00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:21,588 Not when the snake has eyes like that, you don't! 221 00:10:21,589 --> 00:10:24,890 No, we're gonna have to cut this snake off at the tail. I tell you what. 222 00:10:24,891 --> 00:10:28,094 You go distract Damian and I'll try to talk sense to the other guys. 223 00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:31,030 I'm on it, sir. Which one is Damian again? 224 00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:33,165 What, are you made of stone? 225 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,434 (crowd laughing) 226 00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:39,438 Oh, my God, Gordon, I'm so sorry! 227 00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:40,940 I'm okay. 228 00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:44,844 It doesn't hurt near as much as letting you DOOOWN!!! 229 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,379 Actually, it hurts a lot more! 230 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,647 (sighing) 231 00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:53,718 - What is that? - It's a little lion I made. 232 00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:55,920 Pretty proud. (short laugh) 233 00:10:55,921 --> 00:10:58,056 No, no. What is that? 234 00:10:58,057 --> 00:11:00,925 - Oh, uh, nothing. - Oh, it's something. 235 00:11:00,926 --> 00:11:02,927 - It's a little box. - It's a... 236 00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:04,929 (clearing his throat) It's a token. 237 00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:07,064 We said: no gifts! 238 00:11:07,065 --> 00:11:09,432 Well, you didn't say anything about no tokens. 239 00:11:09,433 --> 00:11:11,301 - It's a little tie pin. - A tie pin? 240 00:11:11,302 --> 00:11:13,303 That's a gift. 241 00:11:13,304 --> 00:11:15,773 - Great. Now I look like a jerk. - Well, come on now. 242 00:11:15,774 --> 00:11:18,208 You looking like a jerk has nothing to do with me. 243 00:11:18,209 --> 00:11:21,245 All right. Oh, that's a cute little lion. 244 00:11:21,246 --> 00:11:23,914 Hey, lay off my balloon, man! No! Come on! 245 00:11:23,915 --> 00:11:26,883 - (both arguing and screaming) - Hey! 246 00:11:26,884 --> 00:11:30,153 Hey! No loot bags for you! 247 00:11:30,154 --> 00:11:32,589 - What?! - (crowd laughing) 248 00:11:32,590 --> 00:11:34,591 - Aw, man! - Pff! 249 00:11:34,592 --> 00:11:37,260 - I had fuzzy peaches in 'em. - Probably a parachute, man. 250 00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:38,928 Pff! 251 00:11:38,929 --> 00:11:41,831 And here we have our boardroom. 252 00:11:41,832 --> 00:11:44,867 We have a corkboard, a whiteboard... 253 00:11:44,868 --> 00:11:47,202 - Any blackboard? - Uh, no. 254 00:11:47,203 --> 00:11:50,105 Optimist. I'm gonna go check on the guys. 255 00:11:50,106 --> 00:11:52,874 No, no, wait. You haven't seen everything on the shelves 256 00:11:52,875 --> 00:11:55,377 or sat in any of the chairs yet, huh? 257 00:11:55,378 --> 00:11:57,546 - I know what you're doing. - You do? 258 00:11:57,547 --> 00:11:59,682 You're trying to seduce me. 259 00:11:59,683 --> 00:12:02,318 And it's working. 260 00:12:02,319 --> 00:12:03,952 Oh! 261 00:12:03,953 --> 00:12:05,620 (crowd laughing) 262 00:12:05,621 --> 00:12:07,923 There's a party downstairs, they have cake! 263 00:12:07,924 --> 00:12:10,758 - Oh, cake? - (crowd laughing again) 264 00:12:10,759 --> 00:12:13,681 Okay, guys, my dad's running late, but he's gonna be here any minute. 265 00:12:13,682 --> 00:12:16,865 When he gets here, everybody pretend to be having fun! 266 00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:18,666 Who am I, Meryl Streep? 267 00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:21,903 When I yell surprise, you cue the dry ice machine, okay? 268 00:12:21,904 --> 00:12:24,138 And now this party's gonna be off the hook! 269 00:12:24,139 --> 00:12:26,573 (forced laugh) I'm having so much fun! 270 00:12:26,574 --> 00:12:29,109 - You're scaring people. - Oh... 271 00:12:29,110 --> 00:12:32,179 - (crowd laughing) - Hey. What did you buy? 272 00:12:32,180 --> 00:12:35,249 Oh, this? It's nothing. Just a little token. 273 00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:38,452 Something Dave can wear with his "not a gift" tie pin. 274 00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:40,254 (forced laugh) 275 00:12:40,255 --> 00:12:42,956 - Single-breasted... - Mm-hmm. 276 00:12:42,957 --> 00:12:45,825 Double vented... 277 00:12:45,826 --> 00:12:48,328 3-piece Hugo Boss suit? 278 00:12:48,329 --> 00:12:51,831 - (crowd laughing) - Come on. I'll buy you a beer. 279 00:12:51,832 --> 00:12:53,867 A beer does sound good. 280 00:12:53,868 --> 00:12:56,669 But first, uh, I gotta use the bathroom. 281 00:12:58,772 --> 00:13:01,474 Hey, where are you going? The bathroom is right there. 282 00:13:01,475 --> 00:13:03,541 Well, sometimes I like to pee outside. 283 00:13:03,542 --> 00:13:05,980 Oh, really? I think you're going to buy another gift! 284 00:13:05,981 --> 00:13:08,183 You wanna watch me pee? Is that what you want, Beckett? 285 00:13:08,209 --> 00:13:09,214 That's exactly what I want. 286 00:13:09,215 --> 00:13:10,300 - All right, let's do that. - Can't wait. 287 00:13:10,301 --> 00:13:12,206 (both): Okay, let's go. Right now. 288 00:13:12,218 --> 00:13:15,220 Following you right out there. Nope, I am not gonna do that. 289 00:13:15,221 --> 00:13:16,721 (crowd laughing) 290 00:13:16,722 --> 00:13:19,024 Oh! 291 00:13:19,025 --> 00:13:21,359 Surprise! Happy Birthday! 292 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,727 Ugh. It's not him. 293 00:13:23,728 --> 00:13:26,898 And this is Manion's, the bar downstairs. 294 00:13:26,899 --> 00:13:29,600 Your party makes me wanna kill myself. 295 00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,702 (crowd laughing) 296 00:13:31,703 --> 00:13:35,739 - Gordon, turn the damn thing off! - I don't know how! Oh, wait! 297 00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:37,741 I'll just take the ice OUUUTTT!!! 298 00:13:37,742 --> 00:13:39,977 (crowd laughing) 299 00:13:42,046 --> 00:13:44,481 Where'd he go? 300 00:13:45,849 --> 00:13:48,451 He's not the only one with tricks up his wizard sleeves. 301 00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:52,020 If you see my dad, remind him about the surprise party! 302 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,657 Alastair, do you really want to die? 303 00:13:55,658 --> 00:13:58,127 I mean, hasn't your life been fulfilling at all? 304 00:13:58,128 --> 00:14:00,129 Fulfilling? 305 00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:03,532 Actually, it's exceeded my wildest expectations. 306 00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:06,302 I teach English as a second language. 307 00:14:06,303 --> 00:14:08,703 - A second language! - (crowd laughing) 308 00:14:08,704 --> 00:14:12,408 These people already have one language under their belt 309 00:14:12,409 --> 00:14:14,776 and they want to learn another one! 310 00:14:14,777 --> 00:14:17,111 And who's the guy that gets to teach them? 311 00:14:17,112 --> 00:14:19,780 Well, I'll give you a hint: Wu-ha. 312 00:14:19,781 --> 00:14:22,050 That's great. 313 00:14:22,051 --> 00:14:24,152 And Sebastian, what about you? 314 00:14:24,153 --> 00:14:26,554 I mean, do you really want to throw your life away? 315 00:14:26,555 --> 00:14:30,624 Well, I must say it is a shame that I have to die 316 00:14:30,625 --> 00:14:33,928 - now that I'm finally in the right body. - Oh... 317 00:14:33,929 --> 00:14:37,631 - What-what do you mean? - I had a sex change. 318 00:14:37,632 --> 00:14:39,834 - It's obvious, huh? - Oh! 319 00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:42,135 Oh well... oh. 320 00:14:42,136 --> 00:14:44,571 - So you had the surgery? - Oh no. 321 00:14:44,572 --> 00:14:48,342 - Just the hormones? - Oh, God no! No. 322 00:14:48,343 --> 00:14:52,112 - It's a homeopathic sex change. - (crowd laughing) 323 00:14:52,113 --> 00:14:53,981 Much healthier. 324 00:14:53,982 --> 00:14:56,984 I just drink water that has the memory of estrogen. 325 00:14:56,985 --> 00:15:00,053 - (crowd laughing) - You know, tap water. 326 00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:04,590 Well, you look beautiful, sister! 327 00:15:04,591 --> 00:15:07,593 Oh, thanks. That means a lot. 328 00:15:07,594 --> 00:15:09,595 (crowd laughing) 329 00:15:09,596 --> 00:15:12,365 Really, it does seem a shame then to just throw it away. 330 00:15:12,366 --> 00:15:14,600 I mean, don't you wanna, don't you wanna experience 331 00:15:14,601 --> 00:15:17,803 - what it'll be like to live as a woman? - Oh! 332 00:15:17,804 --> 00:15:21,007 - I don't wanna die. - Then let's not die! 333 00:15:21,008 --> 00:15:23,442 - (all): Let's not die! - Yeah! 334 00:15:23,443 --> 00:15:26,944 Guys, I'm really proud of this decision. Let's talk to Sid. Where is he? 335 00:15:26,945 --> 00:15:29,347 (crowd laughing) 336 00:15:30,582 --> 00:15:32,283 Oh, good God! 337 00:15:32,284 --> 00:15:34,252 (crowd laughing again) 338 00:15:34,253 --> 00:15:36,488 - (car horns sounding) - Hey, Sid. 339 00:15:36,489 --> 00:15:38,189 Hey, Dave. 340 00:15:38,190 --> 00:15:40,425 What'cha doin'? 341 00:15:40,426 --> 00:15:43,594 You ever notice that people look like worker ants from up here? 342 00:15:43,595 --> 00:15:45,863 Sid, we're only on the 4th floor. 343 00:15:45,864 --> 00:15:49,034 Oh! Well, maybe people just always look like worker ants to me. 344 00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,701 Yeah. Hey, hey. Be careful, okay Sid? 345 00:15:51,702 --> 00:15:55,772 Careful. 'Cause, you know, Sid, you really have a lot to live for. 346 00:15:55,773 --> 00:15:58,175 'Course I do, Dave. I'm a dentist. 347 00:15:58,176 --> 00:16:01,278 You know, everybody wants to be a dentist. 348 00:16:01,279 --> 00:16:03,547 Do you know that I get to work with teeth every day? 349 00:16:03,548 --> 00:16:07,518 Human teeth. I get to put my hands in the mouths of strangers 350 00:16:07,519 --> 00:16:09,619 all the time! 351 00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:13,557 Drilling and cleaning human teeth. What sap would wanna give that up? 352 00:16:13,558 --> 00:16:16,526 No one in their right minds, Sid. No. 353 00:16:16,527 --> 00:16:19,728 So... what are you doing on the ledge? 354 00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:21,364 Oh, just having a cigarette. 355 00:16:21,365 --> 00:16:24,033 Your bald-headed servant said I couldn't smoke inside. 356 00:16:24,034 --> 00:16:26,202 - Oh! - (crowd laughing) 357 00:16:26,203 --> 00:16:28,737 That's a relief. 358 00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:32,075 You know, some people don't inhale. 359 00:16:32,076 --> 00:16:35,244 - I don't exhale. - (crowd laughing) 360 00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:38,113 Kewl. 361 00:16:41,350 --> 00:16:43,953 Boom. This just happened. You lose. 362 00:16:43,954 --> 00:16:46,354 You got Dave a fur coat? 363 00:16:46,355 --> 00:16:49,324 Awesome, if you're a star running back in the NFL. 364 00:16:49,325 --> 00:16:51,694 Let me guess. You had to give up cable? 365 00:16:51,695 --> 00:16:53,796 Just for a couple of years. 366 00:16:53,797 --> 00:16:55,998 I'm so stupid! 367 00:16:55,999 --> 00:16:59,304 We both are. Why are we competing for Dave's affection? 368 00:16:59,305 --> 00:17:01,996 I don't know. We don't even spend this much money on each other! 369 00:17:01,997 --> 00:17:03,785 Dave didn't even bother to show up! 370 00:17:03,786 --> 00:17:06,108 What am I gonna do with a suit that's not my size? 371 00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:09,411 Tell me about it! Even I can't pull off this fur coat. 372 00:17:09,412 --> 00:17:11,746 You know... 373 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,183 I bet I could. 374 00:17:15,184 --> 00:17:18,306 Okay, guys, Sid is in. We're gonna stand up to Damian. 375 00:17:18,332 --> 00:17:19,087 Agreed! 376 00:17:19,088 --> 00:17:21,622 Yeah, I'm tired of doing everything just 'cause he says! 377 00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:23,126 - Yes, exactly! - (elevator bell) 378 00:17:23,127 --> 00:17:24,736 It's almost witching hour! 379 00:17:24,993 --> 00:17:28,429 10:41 to be precise. Damian, they're plotting against you! 380 00:17:28,430 --> 00:17:31,465 - Oh? - Alastair and Dave are traitors! 381 00:17:31,466 --> 00:17:33,800 Nonsense! I came from China for this. 382 00:17:33,801 --> 00:17:36,570 Guys, we said we were gonna stand up to Damian! 383 00:17:36,571 --> 00:17:38,739 We just had this conversation! 384 00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:41,608 Hey, Daveen. If you don't wanna do it, you don't have to, 385 00:17:41,609 --> 00:17:43,644 Suicide killjoy. 386 00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:45,646 (crowd laughing) 387 00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,748 Damian, I'm sorry to let you down, but, 388 00:17:47,749 --> 00:17:50,183 but I've made a great life for myself. 389 00:17:50,184 --> 00:17:53,820 - And, and I will throw it away for you. - (crowd laughing) 390 00:17:53,821 --> 00:17:56,256 Good. So I'm thinking poison pills. 391 00:17:56,257 --> 00:17:58,759 However, this is the last choice we'll ever make, 392 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,461 so I will open it up to the floor. 393 00:18:01,462 --> 00:18:03,296 Razor blades are always cool! 394 00:18:03,297 --> 00:18:07,133 Ah, but Sebastian, women always use pills. 395 00:18:07,134 --> 00:18:09,536 No, I say we do it like men. 396 00:18:09,537 --> 00:18:12,238 Just open the window and jump. Naked. 397 00:18:12,239 --> 00:18:14,374 The wind whipping our genitals! 398 00:18:14,375 --> 00:18:17,743 - (crowd laughing) - Interesting, but why naked? 399 00:18:17,744 --> 00:18:20,346 - I've been working out. - Good ideas. 400 00:18:20,347 --> 00:18:23,715 Really strong ideas. So pills it is. 401 00:18:23,716 --> 00:18:27,752 I will pass them out. Each take a pill. At 10:45, I will give the signal. 402 00:18:27,753 --> 00:18:31,423 This will be it. And then, we will swallow the pills. 403 00:18:31,424 --> 00:18:33,124 Pills on tongues! 404 00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:37,696 - (all, in a trance): Pills on tongues. - (elevator bell) 405 00:18:37,697 --> 00:18:41,667 Well, you ruined the party. All of your casual acquaintances were there 406 00:18:41,668 --> 00:18:43,767 and they seemed mildly interested for most of it! 407 00:18:43,768 --> 00:18:46,970 And yeah, maybe the face painter spent all of his time painting the juggler's balls, 408 00:18:46,971 --> 00:18:50,675 but for the most part, it was a very lovely party, and you ruined it! 409 00:18:50,676 --> 00:18:53,744 - Happy frickin' birthday! - And, yo! Dave! 410 00:18:53,745 --> 00:18:56,947 These fancy duds - ha-ha! Could have been yours! 411 00:18:56,948 --> 00:18:59,149 (crowd laughing) Sup! 412 00:18:59,150 --> 00:19:01,151 - A ring-a-ding-ding! - Bong! 413 00:19:01,152 --> 00:19:03,586 (crowd laughing) 414 00:19:08,559 --> 00:19:11,494 (with tongue holding a pill): Guys, I can't do this. 415 00:19:11,495 --> 00:19:14,664 I can't, I can't do this. 416 00:19:16,634 --> 00:19:19,703 I'm sorry. I've let that girl down her whole life. 417 00:19:19,704 --> 00:19:22,405 I'm just not gonna do it anymore. 418 00:19:22,406 --> 00:19:25,208 I've let a lot of people down too. 419 00:19:25,209 --> 00:19:28,211 - And in 2 languages! - (crowd laughing) 420 00:19:28,212 --> 00:19:31,047 I'm a major disappointment to all my family and friends. 421 00:19:31,048 --> 00:19:33,015 I just don't call people back! 422 00:19:33,016 --> 00:19:35,351 I have to make amends too. 423 00:19:35,352 --> 00:19:37,887 I've been steeling people's teeth. 424 00:19:37,888 --> 00:19:39,889 Human teeth! 425 00:19:39,890 --> 00:19:42,324 I've stolen over 1,000 pounds of teeth! 426 00:19:42,325 --> 00:19:45,427 - That just can't be right. - No! 427 00:19:45,428 --> 00:19:49,164 - Not at all! - Not me! See you in Hell! 428 00:19:51,234 --> 00:19:54,236 I'm gonna make a quick call to my mother and tell her she sucks. 429 00:19:54,237 --> 00:19:56,905 Remind me, dial 9 to get out? 430 00:19:56,906 --> 00:19:59,674 - (both): Yes. - Da-Damian! 431 00:19:59,675 --> 00:20:02,510 I can't believe Damian's gonna die... 432 00:20:02,511 --> 00:20:04,846 in my office. 433 00:20:04,847 --> 00:20:07,315 - (crowd laughing) - Actually... 434 00:20:07,316 --> 00:20:09,850 I picked out the pills. 435 00:20:09,851 --> 00:20:12,720 It's just some fake ecstasy my son sold me. 436 00:20:12,721 --> 00:20:15,289 (crowd laughing) 437 00:20:16,558 --> 00:20:19,394 It is I, Malachi! 438 00:20:19,395 --> 00:20:22,129 Ruler of all Goths! 439 00:20:22,130 --> 00:20:25,800 And I command you to stop this insanity... 440 00:20:25,801 --> 00:20:27,535 (all): Shoes! 441 00:20:29,104 --> 00:20:31,138 (crowd laughing) 442 00:20:34,041 --> 00:20:36,376 You bastards knew I wasn't dying 443 00:20:36,377 --> 00:20:38,744 - and you let me call my mother?! - (all laughing) 444 00:20:38,745 --> 00:20:42,247 Yes, we did. (Dave laughing) You know what? 445 00:20:42,248 --> 00:20:45,551 - I really have missed you guys. - Aw! We missed you too, Dave. 446 00:20:45,552 --> 00:20:47,986 Not in a call-you-all-the-time kinda way, but more like, 447 00:20:47,987 --> 00:20:51,657 - "Oh yeah, Dave!" - (crowd laughing) 448 00:20:51,658 --> 00:20:55,428 You may have sold out to the man, but you have a very impressive building. 449 00:20:55,429 --> 00:20:59,164 - And a totally doable daughter! - Oh! 450 00:20:59,165 --> 00:21:01,967 I'm embarrassed to admit it, but when I thought I was dying, 451 00:21:01,968 --> 00:21:04,403 I realized how much I wanted to live. 452 00:21:04,404 --> 00:21:07,705 - (team): Surprise! - My heart! 453 00:21:07,706 --> 00:21:10,175 - My heart! - You really got me that time! 454 00:21:10,176 --> 00:21:13,511 - I surprised my dad! Success! - (Dave laughing) 455 00:21:13,512 --> 00:21:16,181 (crowd laughing too) 456 00:21:16,182 --> 00:21:19,417 That was good. Oh no! 457 00:21:19,418 --> 00:21:22,119 - Damian? - Uh, oh. 458 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,089 - Is he? - He's dead. 459 00:21:25,090 --> 00:21:29,126 - Oh, really? - (background reactions) 460 00:21:29,127 --> 00:21:31,162 Well, I'm not surprised. 461 00:21:31,163 --> 00:21:32,950 You can't live your whole life on nothing but 462 00:21:32,976 --> 00:21:34,698 pizza bagels and expect to get away with it. 463 00:21:34,699 --> 00:21:36,834 You know what he does for exercise? 464 00:21:36,835 --> 00:21:40,170 - He screams up at the night! - (crowd laughing) 465 00:21:40,171 --> 00:21:43,039 - That is good for cardio. Yeah. - Yes. 466 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,944 And I guess plotting a suicide pact is pretty stressful. 467 00:21:46,945 --> 00:21:49,847 All that charisma and no common sense. 468 00:21:49,848 --> 00:21:52,683 Well, to friends, here and gone. 469 00:21:52,684 --> 00:21:56,052 - (all): Cheers! - (Damian gasping) 470 00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:57,553 I heard every word 471 00:21:57,554 --> 00:21:59,922 and not one of them was, "Someone call an ambulance!" 472 00:21:59,923 --> 00:22:02,592 (crowd laughing) 473 00:22:02,593 --> 00:22:04,271 Ooh, cake! 474 00:22:04,272 --> 00:22:05,498 We missed you to Dave. 475 00:22:05,499 --> 00:22:08,156 - Not in a call you all the kind time away. - (Dave laughs) 476 00:22:08,157 --> 00:22:10,259 - Did I say, did I... - He's having a stroke! 477 00:22:10,260 --> 00:22:13,115 - He's having a stroke! Is there a doctor? - I smell oranges! 478 00:22:13,116 --> 00:22:15,195 - Oh, I'll never work again. - No. (laughs) 479 00:22:15,925 --> 00:22:19,118 - Well, you're not working now. - (all laugh) 480 00:22:19,452 --> 00:22:24,752 synced and corrected by awaqeded www.addic7ed.com 481 00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:29,352 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37263

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