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1
00:00:02,772 --> 00:00:04,771
- (elevator bell)
- There you are!
2
00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:07,441
I've been looking everywhere
for you. Happy Birthday, Dad!
3
00:00:07,442 --> 00:00:09,809
Sweetie, please, don't
mention that again. Honestly.
4
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:12,846
And make sure you tell everyone: no gifts.
5
00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:15,849
- Sir, are we upset about turning 50?
- No.
6
00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:18,791
Just think, if this were the
Middle Ages, you'd already be dead.
7
00:00:18,817 --> 00:00:19,786
Well, thank you, Bryce.
8
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,421
But I'm just not in the
mood for celebrating.
9
00:00:21,447 --> 00:00:22,421
Well, get in the mood!
10
00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:25,191
I have a big surprise
party planned for you!
11
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:28,194
Traditionally, you don't tell
someone you're going to surprise them.
12
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:31,865
Well, don't worry about it,
sweetheart. Nothing surprises me anyway.
13
00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:34,367
- Don't even try, Gordon.
- (crowd laughing)
14
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,803
- All right.
- No, you're gonna be surprised this time:
15
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:39,643
I have 4 of your best pals from high
school coming up to the office.
16
00:00:39,643 --> 00:00:40,869
- What?
- Yeah!
17
00:00:40,869 --> 00:00:42,074
Oh, sweetie...
18
00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:44,442
You really shouldn't have.
19
00:00:44,443 --> 00:00:47,412
Sir, your 4 best pals from high school?!
20
00:00:47,413 --> 00:00:49,982
What were you guys? A rowing crew?
21
00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:52,217
Young entrepreneurs? An improv troupe?
22
00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:55,554
No, not exactly. (elevator bell)
23
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:59,091
- (all, zombie-like): Surprise.
- (crowd cheering)
24
00:01:01,493 --> 00:01:03,761
Hello, Daveen.
25
00:01:03,762 --> 00:01:06,230
(crowd laughing and cheering)
26
00:01:06,231 --> 00:01:08,432
(screaming)
27
00:01:11,737 --> 00:01:14,271
Fill the lens
28
00:01:14,272 --> 00:01:17,175
With all your friends
29
00:01:17,176 --> 00:01:20,745
Oh now
30
00:01:20,746 --> 00:01:22,746
Is forever
31
00:01:22,747 --> 00:01:26,116
Come on, fill the lens
32
00:01:26,117 --> 00:01:28,932
With all your friends
33
00:01:28,933 --> 00:01:31,182
synced and corrected by awaqeded
www.addic7ed.com
34
00:01:31,533 --> 00:01:34,569
Okay, so here we have some coffee,
and there's some sugar and cream.
35
00:01:34,570 --> 00:01:37,505
But you guys probably like your
coffee black. (forced laugh)
36
00:01:37,506 --> 00:01:41,108
- (crowd laughing)
- It's just a joke.
37
00:01:41,109 --> 00:01:42,676
Really?
38
00:01:42,677 --> 00:01:44,844
(crowd laughing again)
39
00:01:46,081 --> 00:01:48,849
Wow! This is a really nice office.
40
00:01:48,850 --> 00:01:51,118
Yeah. Daveen did really well for himself.
41
00:01:51,119 --> 00:01:53,187
This place really is breathtaking.
42
00:01:53,188 --> 00:01:55,322
(forced cough)
43
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,524
Sorry, I always get a bad taste in my mouth
44
00:01:57,525 --> 00:01:59,525
when I'm in a corporate whorehouse.
45
00:01:59,526 --> 00:02:02,028
- (others agreeing)
- Stinks of money!
46
00:02:02,029 --> 00:02:03,529
Where is Daveen?
47
00:02:03,530 --> 00:02:05,531
It's like he doesn't even want us here.
48
00:02:05,532 --> 00:02:07,700
You know, I took the bus
all the way from Orillia.
49
00:02:07,701 --> 00:02:10,469
- I came from China.
- (crowd laughing)
50
00:02:10,470 --> 00:02:12,905
But I didn't have to endure the bus.
51
00:02:12,906 --> 00:02:15,975
- (crowd laughing)
- What up?
52
00:02:15,976 --> 00:02:17,977
Hey, suit.
53
00:02:17,978 --> 00:02:21,046
- (crowd laughing)
- So, back in high school,
54
00:02:21,047 --> 00:02:23,181
what did you guys, like, do?
55
00:02:23,182 --> 00:02:25,717
Mostly, we hung around
Damian's mom's basement,
56
00:02:25,718 --> 00:02:29,221
contemplating the mind-numbing
existence of a godless universe.
57
00:02:29,222 --> 00:02:32,858
- (crowd laughing)
- And we saw a lot of bands.
58
00:02:32,859 --> 00:02:34,826
So Goths are like,
59
00:02:34,827 --> 00:02:37,095
what, sad vampires?
60
00:02:37,096 --> 00:02:39,497
Oh, we're not like vampires.
61
00:02:39,498 --> 00:02:41,599
Because we don't plan to live forever.
62
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,702
(Goths chuckling)
63
00:02:44,703 --> 00:02:47,472
Now that's a joke, Goldilocks!
64
00:02:47,473 --> 00:02:49,641
(crowd laughing)
65
00:02:49,642 --> 00:02:52,677
So, what were you? In a Goth band?
66
00:02:52,678 --> 00:02:54,812
No, we weren't in a Goth band!
67
00:02:54,813 --> 00:02:58,115
- We had a suicide pact.
- (crowd laughing)
68
00:02:58,116 --> 00:03:00,818
Bryce, we-
69
00:03:00,819 --> 00:03:03,453
We agreed that when the
youngest of us turned 50,
70
00:03:03,454 --> 00:03:06,657
we would get together and end
our bondage to this empty world.
71
00:03:06,658 --> 00:03:09,126
- (crowd laughing)
- Well sir, a suicide pact...
72
00:03:09,127 --> 00:03:12,429
- Should I call the police?
- No! No, we can't do that.
73
00:03:12,430 --> 00:03:14,016
Not to Damian.
74
00:03:14,017 --> 00:03:16,088
- Which one is Damian?
- You couldn't tell?
75
00:03:16,089 --> 00:03:19,703
Honestly, sir, they all seem
like slight variations on a theme.
76
00:03:19,704 --> 00:03:21,407
- (crowd laughing)
- Bryce, I know it seems crazy,
77
00:03:21,408 --> 00:03:23,265
but Damian's just always
had this effect on me.
78
00:03:23,266 --> 00:03:24,974
I mean, he has this effect on all of us!
79
00:03:24,975 --> 00:03:27,743
You know, he's just so damn charismatic!
80
00:03:27,744 --> 00:03:30,313
You must be feeling it too.
81
00:03:30,314 --> 00:03:33,283
- No, sir. Not in the least.
- Really?
82
00:03:33,284 --> 00:03:35,484
Uh, dad, you're being rude.
83
00:03:35,485 --> 00:03:37,486
Sweetheart, hey.
84
00:03:37,487 --> 00:03:39,856
They're waiting for you,
and you're in here drinking!
85
00:03:39,857 --> 00:03:42,624
Oh, sweetheart, I know
you've put a lot of work into
86
00:03:42,625 --> 00:03:45,160
making this a great birthday
and I really do appreciate it.
87
00:03:45,161 --> 00:03:48,197
And though no fault of your own,
you have opened up the gates to Hell!
88
00:03:48,198 --> 00:03:52,000
- But were you surprised?
- (crowd laughing)
89
00:03:55,138 --> 00:03:58,993
Oh! Hey, Facebook friends.
90
00:03:58,994 --> 00:04:01,543
My dad'll just be a minute.
91
00:04:01,544 --> 00:04:04,212
Your beautiful blonde hair disgusts me.
92
00:04:04,213 --> 00:04:05,717
- (crowd laughing)
- I'm sorry, what?
93
00:04:05,718 --> 00:04:07,309
Are you seeing anyone?
94
00:04:07,717 --> 00:04:10,518
- (crowd laughing again)
- You're my dad's age, so...
95
00:04:10,519 --> 00:04:12,587
In the dark, we have no age.
96
00:04:12,588 --> 00:04:14,823
But if my back goes out,
you'll have to do all the work.
97
00:04:14,824 --> 00:04:17,359
- Kewl?
- (crowd laughing)
98
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,527
Lots to think about... sir.
99
00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:22,363
Beckett, Nelson!
100
00:04:22,364 --> 00:04:25,031
She's thinking about it!
101
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:28,502
- All right!
- What are you still doing here?
102
00:04:28,503 --> 00:04:32,005
- We wanted to watch the freaks.
- No, no, no!
103
00:04:32,006 --> 00:04:35,108
You're supposed to be hanging decorations.
We're on a very tight schedule!
104
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:38,612
- Did you at least get the dry ice machine?
- You were serious about that?!
105
00:04:38,613 --> 00:04:39,653
(crowd laughing)
106
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:42,835
Don't worry, Stephanie.
I'll go get the dry ice.
107
00:04:42,917 --> 00:04:46,386
Besides, those German mimes scare me.
108
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:49,855
(crowd laughing)
109
00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:58,598
- Hey, guys.
- Is it Daveen?
110
00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,270
- It is.
- Spin me!
111
00:05:00,271 --> 00:05:02,271
(crowd laughing)
112
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,110
I'm getting a really weird
vibe from you, Daveen.
113
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:14,146
It's almost like you don't want us here.
114
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,582
No, no, no, no!
115
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:19,318
No, that's crazy. No, I'm
so excited you're here.
116
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,253
I want to get all caught up,
I mean, so much has happened
117
00:05:22,254 --> 00:05:26,090
since we were young and dark and
hanging out in your mom's basement.
118
00:05:26,091 --> 00:05:29,661
Actually, I still live
in my mother's basement.
119
00:05:29,695 --> 00:05:30,458
(crowd laughing)
120
00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:32,366
Really? Does she still
watch the weather channel
121
00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,833
with her house dress
coquettishly half open?
122
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,869
- (crowd laughing)
- Yes.
123
00:05:37,870 --> 00:05:40,505
And she's still cruel and sadistic.
124
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:43,173
Last night she interrupted
my blood letting ritual
125
00:05:43,174 --> 00:05:44,842
with pizza bagels!
126
00:05:44,843 --> 00:05:48,779
- How banal.
- So first world.
127
00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:52,516
I think it's amazing that
Damian's never sold out.
128
00:05:52,517 --> 00:05:54,585
- Yeah.
- Yes, Daveen.
129
00:05:54,586 --> 00:05:56,887
What do you think of a 52-year-old man
130
00:05:56,888 --> 00:05:59,389
who still lives in his mother's basement?
131
00:05:59,390 --> 00:06:03,293
I think you're the
bravest man I've ever met.
132
00:06:03,294 --> 00:06:06,163
- (crowd laughing)
- Then join us. Join us.
133
00:06:06,164 --> 00:06:08,731
Parents, huh. Can't live with 'em, and...
134
00:06:08,732 --> 00:06:11,168
there are other options.
135
00:06:11,169 --> 00:06:14,604
- Sir, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Huh?
136
00:06:19,210 --> 00:06:22,311
- Hey, you didn't get Dave anything, right?
- No, of course not.
137
00:06:22,312 --> 00:06:23,812
Dave said "no gifts".
138
00:06:23,813 --> 00:06:27,216
Man, Stephanie is the worst
party planner in history.
139
00:06:27,217 --> 00:06:31,053
Remember her 3-days-before-Easter party?
140
00:06:31,054 --> 00:06:34,756
- Yeah. Terrible Friday.
- (crowd laughing)
141
00:06:34,757 --> 00:06:37,526
Where's the photographer?!
142
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:39,795
What's the 20 on the photographer?
143
00:06:39,796 --> 00:06:43,632
- Calm down, I'm right here.
- Never mind. We found the photographer.
144
00:06:43,633 --> 00:06:46,368
You're not talking to
anyone on that, are you?
145
00:06:46,369 --> 00:06:48,336
Smile!
146
00:06:48,337 --> 00:06:50,839
Stephanie, I have the
ice. Where do you want it?
147
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,542
Gordon, that is dry ice. It's
gonna burn through your hands!
148
00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:57,713
- Don't be silly. Ice doesn't BUUURRRRN!!!
- (crowd laughing)
149
00:06:57,714 --> 00:07:01,649
Sir, I have never seen you like
this. Please get a hold of yourself.
150
00:07:01,650 --> 00:07:04,018
You are Dave Lyons, for God's sake!
151
00:07:05,286 --> 00:07:07,021
You're right, Bryce.
152
00:07:07,022 --> 00:07:10,024
I'm Dave Lyons! But I
can't find my eyeliner.
153
00:07:10,025 --> 00:07:14,328
Can you run to the pharmacy and get
me one? I want to look cool for Damian.
154
00:07:14,329 --> 00:07:17,097
- What the hell was that?!
- It was a slap, sir.
155
00:07:17,098 --> 00:07:20,534
Oh, for God's sakes, Bryce! If you're
gonna slap a man, you better slap him...
156
00:07:20,535 --> 00:07:22,502
- Ow!
- (crowd laughing)
157
00:07:22,503 --> 00:07:24,871
Thank you, Bryce. Good
to have you back, sir.
158
00:07:24,872 --> 00:07:27,440
Yeah, I think it's about time
I kicked some Goth ass, huh?
159
00:07:27,441 --> 00:07:29,643
Yeah, I'll tell Damian
I will commit suicide
160
00:07:29,644 --> 00:07:31,745
over my dead body!
161
00:07:31,746 --> 00:07:34,114
(crowd laughing)
162
00:07:38,185 --> 00:07:40,420
Hey, guys.
163
00:07:40,421 --> 00:07:42,989
Daveen. We've been expecting you.
164
00:07:42,990 --> 00:07:46,025
Welcome to the semi-circle of despair.
165
00:07:46,026 --> 00:07:49,762
Where did you get all the candelabras?
166
00:07:49,763 --> 00:07:52,365
- At the Candelabrium.
- On Bathurst.
167
00:07:52,366 --> 00:07:56,102
- (crowd laughing)
- They sell only candelabras.
168
00:07:56,103 --> 00:07:58,859
They were having a
going-out-of-business sale.
169
00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:00,130
Obviously.
170
00:08:01,875 --> 00:08:03,570
- Hey, guys.
- (all): Shoes!
171
00:08:03,571 --> 00:08:04,554
Sorry.
172
00:08:05,946 --> 00:08:08,047
Guys, can we talk ab...
173
00:08:08,048 --> 00:08:10,082
You guys are all wearing shoes!
174
00:08:10,083 --> 00:08:13,085
- (crowd laughing)
- Life isn't fair, Daveen.
175
00:08:13,086 --> 00:08:14,954
That's why we're ending It.
176
00:08:14,955 --> 00:08:18,290
(crowd laughing) Guys,
can we talk about the pact?
177
00:08:18,291 --> 00:08:20,593
What's to talk about? We all agreed,
178
00:08:20,594 --> 00:08:22,695
when the last one of us turns 50,
179
00:08:22,696 --> 00:08:25,263
if the world isn't cool
yet, we'd kill ourselves.
180
00:08:25,264 --> 00:08:27,299
Beep beep beep. News flash:
181
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:29,501
the world isn't cool yet.
182
00:08:29,502 --> 00:08:32,504
Well, Julia Louis Dreyfus
is always delightful.
183
00:08:32,505 --> 00:08:35,807
- That's true.
- (others mumbling in agreement)
184
00:08:35,808 --> 00:08:38,276
It's just not enough!
185
00:08:39,812 --> 00:08:42,914
Besides, we signed a contract in blood.
186
00:08:42,915 --> 00:08:45,984
And I remember it clearly
because we used my blood.
187
00:08:45,985 --> 00:08:49,354
And Damian insisted on
several additional clauses.
188
00:08:49,355 --> 00:08:51,456
Well, if God did exist,
189
00:08:51,457 --> 00:08:53,525
he'd be in the details.
190
00:08:54,727 --> 00:08:57,194
I'm sorry, guys, but this is insane.
191
00:08:57,195 --> 00:08:59,296
I'm-I'm-I'm out of the pact.
192
00:08:59,297 --> 00:09:01,698
Yeah, but you promised.
193
00:09:01,699 --> 00:09:04,668
I may have promised, but I...
194
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,837
- You're right.
- (crowd laughing)
195
00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:08,972
I promised. I'm in.
196
00:09:08,973 --> 00:09:11,175
Excellent.
197
00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:14,137
So, we kill ourselves
then. At the witching hour.
198
00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:16,514
Yes! 10:45.
199
00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:19,316
I always thought the
witching hour was midnight.
200
00:09:19,317 --> 00:09:21,317
But I was always wrong.
201
00:09:21,318 --> 00:09:23,419
10:45 it is.
202
00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:25,855
The witching hour!
203
00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:29,225
- (crowd laughing)
- Tonight, we die as we lived!
204
00:09:29,226 --> 00:09:31,727
Self-righteous and afraid.
205
00:09:31,728 --> 00:09:33,729
Of jocks.
206
00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:36,366
I mean, what's their problem anyway?
207
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:39,402
- There are other ways to get up a rope.
- Yeah.
208
00:09:43,719 --> 00:09:45,853
(door opening)
209
00:09:45,854 --> 00:09:49,356
- So... talked to the guys.
- And?
210
00:09:49,357 --> 00:09:51,592
And we came to an understanding.
211
00:09:51,593 --> 00:09:55,329
- You agreed to kill yourself, didn't you?
- Yes, I did, Bryce. I'm sorry.
212
00:09:55,330 --> 00:09:58,965
But you don't understand. There's
just no arguing with that guy.
213
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:01,368
I mean, he's just literally
dripping with charisma!
214
00:10:01,369 --> 00:10:05,206
And when he gives you those pouty eyes,
you feel terrible about disappointing him.
215
00:10:05,207 --> 00:10:08,375
I understand, sir. I'll
just ask the cleaning staff
216
00:10:08,376 --> 00:10:10,710
if they have any extra
bleach and 5 body bags.
217
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:13,746
- Thank you, Bryce. Thank you.
- Sir, that was sarcasm!
218
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:16,982
Clearly the problem here
is that Damian fellow!
219
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,352
I say we cut this snake off at the head.
220
00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:21,588
Not when the snake has
eyes like that, you don't!
221
00:10:21,589 --> 00:10:24,890
No, we're gonna have to cut this
snake off at the tail. I tell you what.
222
00:10:24,891 --> 00:10:28,094
You go distract Damian and I'll
try to talk sense to the other guys.
223
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:31,030
I'm on it, sir. Which one is Damian again?
224
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:33,165
What, are you made of stone?
225
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,434
(crowd laughing)
226
00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:39,438
Oh, my God, Gordon, I'm so sorry!
227
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:40,940
I'm okay.
228
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:44,844
It doesn't hurt near as
much as letting you DOOOWN!!!
229
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,379
Actually, it hurts a lot more!
230
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,647
(sighing)
231
00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:53,718
- What is that?
- It's a little lion I made.
232
00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:55,920
Pretty proud. (short laugh)
233
00:10:55,921 --> 00:10:58,056
No, no. What is that?
234
00:10:58,057 --> 00:11:00,925
- Oh, uh, nothing.
- Oh, it's something.
235
00:11:00,926 --> 00:11:02,927
- It's a little box.
- It's a...
236
00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:04,929
(clearing his throat) It's a token.
237
00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:07,064
We said: no gifts!
238
00:11:07,065 --> 00:11:09,432
Well, you didn't say
anything about no tokens.
239
00:11:09,433 --> 00:11:11,301
- It's a little tie pin.
- A tie pin?
240
00:11:11,302 --> 00:11:13,303
That's a gift.
241
00:11:13,304 --> 00:11:15,773
- Great. Now I look like a jerk.
- Well, come on now.
242
00:11:15,774 --> 00:11:18,208
You looking like a jerk
has nothing to do with me.
243
00:11:18,209 --> 00:11:21,245
All right. Oh, that's a cute little lion.
244
00:11:21,246 --> 00:11:23,914
Hey, lay off my balloon, man! No! Come on!
245
00:11:23,915 --> 00:11:26,883
- (both arguing and screaming)
- Hey!
246
00:11:26,884 --> 00:11:30,153
Hey! No loot bags for you!
247
00:11:30,154 --> 00:11:32,589
- What?!
- (crowd laughing)
248
00:11:32,590 --> 00:11:34,591
- Aw, man!
- Pff!
249
00:11:34,592 --> 00:11:37,260
- I had fuzzy peaches in 'em.
- Probably a parachute, man.
250
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:38,928
Pff!
251
00:11:38,929 --> 00:11:41,831
And here we have our boardroom.
252
00:11:41,832 --> 00:11:44,867
We have a corkboard, a whiteboard...
253
00:11:44,868 --> 00:11:47,202
- Any blackboard?
- Uh, no.
254
00:11:47,203 --> 00:11:50,105
Optimist. I'm gonna go check on the guys.
255
00:11:50,106 --> 00:11:52,874
No, no, wait. You haven't
seen everything on the shelves
256
00:11:52,875 --> 00:11:55,377
or sat in any of the chairs yet, huh?
257
00:11:55,378 --> 00:11:57,546
- I know what you're doing.
- You do?
258
00:11:57,547 --> 00:11:59,682
You're trying to seduce me.
259
00:11:59,683 --> 00:12:02,318
And it's working.
260
00:12:02,319 --> 00:12:03,952
Oh!
261
00:12:03,953 --> 00:12:05,620
(crowd laughing)
262
00:12:05,621 --> 00:12:07,923
There's a party downstairs, they have cake!
263
00:12:07,924 --> 00:12:10,758
- Oh, cake?
- (crowd laughing again)
264
00:12:10,759 --> 00:12:13,681
Okay, guys, my dad's running late,
but he's gonna be here any minute.
265
00:12:13,682 --> 00:12:16,865
When he gets here, everybody
pretend to be having fun!
266
00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:18,666
Who am I, Meryl Streep?
267
00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:21,903
When I yell surprise, you
cue the dry ice machine, okay?
268
00:12:21,904 --> 00:12:24,138
And now this party's gonna be off the hook!
269
00:12:24,139 --> 00:12:26,573
(forced laugh) I'm having so much fun!
270
00:12:26,574 --> 00:12:29,109
- You're scaring people.
- Oh...
271
00:12:29,110 --> 00:12:32,179
- (crowd laughing)
- Hey. What did you buy?
272
00:12:32,180 --> 00:12:35,249
Oh, this? It's nothing.
Just a little token.
273
00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:38,452
Something Dave can wear with
his "not a gift" tie pin.
274
00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:40,254
(forced laugh)
275
00:12:40,255 --> 00:12:42,956
- Single-breasted...
- Mm-hmm.
276
00:12:42,957 --> 00:12:45,825
Double vented...
277
00:12:45,826 --> 00:12:48,328
3-piece Hugo Boss suit?
278
00:12:48,329 --> 00:12:51,831
- (crowd laughing)
- Come on. I'll buy you a beer.
279
00:12:51,832 --> 00:12:53,867
A beer does sound good.
280
00:12:53,868 --> 00:12:56,669
But first, uh, I gotta use the bathroom.
281
00:12:58,772 --> 00:13:01,474
Hey, where are you going?
The bathroom is right there.
282
00:13:01,475 --> 00:13:03,541
Well, sometimes I like to pee outside.
283
00:13:03,542 --> 00:13:05,980
Oh, really? I think you're
going to buy another gift!
284
00:13:05,981 --> 00:13:08,183
You wanna watch me pee? Is
that what you want, Beckett?
285
00:13:08,209 --> 00:13:09,214
That's exactly what I want.
286
00:13:09,215 --> 00:13:10,300
- All right, let's do that.
- Can't wait.
287
00:13:10,301 --> 00:13:12,206
(both): Okay, let's go. Right now.
288
00:13:12,218 --> 00:13:15,220
Following you right out there.
Nope, I am not gonna do that.
289
00:13:15,221 --> 00:13:16,721
(crowd laughing)
290
00:13:16,722 --> 00:13:19,024
Oh!
291
00:13:19,025 --> 00:13:21,359
Surprise! Happy Birthday!
292
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,727
Ugh. It's not him.
293
00:13:23,728 --> 00:13:26,898
And this is Manion's, the bar downstairs.
294
00:13:26,899 --> 00:13:29,600
Your party makes me wanna kill myself.
295
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,702
(crowd laughing)
296
00:13:31,703 --> 00:13:35,739
- Gordon, turn the damn thing off!
- I don't know how! Oh, wait!
297
00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:37,741
I'll just take the ice OUUUTTT!!!
298
00:13:37,742 --> 00:13:39,977
(crowd laughing)
299
00:13:42,046 --> 00:13:44,481
Where'd he go?
300
00:13:45,849 --> 00:13:48,451
He's not the only one with
tricks up his wizard sleeves.
301
00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:52,020
If you see my dad, remind
him about the surprise party!
302
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,657
Alastair, do you really want to die?
303
00:13:55,658 --> 00:13:58,127
I mean, hasn't your life
been fulfilling at all?
304
00:13:58,128 --> 00:14:00,129
Fulfilling?
305
00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:03,532
Actually, it's exceeded
my wildest expectations.
306
00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:06,302
I teach English as a second language.
307
00:14:06,303 --> 00:14:08,703
- A second language!
- (crowd laughing)
308
00:14:08,704 --> 00:14:12,408
These people already have
one language under their belt
309
00:14:12,409 --> 00:14:14,776
and they want to learn another one!
310
00:14:14,777 --> 00:14:17,111
And who's the guy that gets to teach them?
311
00:14:17,112 --> 00:14:19,780
Well, I'll give you a hint: Wu-ha.
312
00:14:19,781 --> 00:14:22,050
That's great.
313
00:14:22,051 --> 00:14:24,152
And Sebastian, what about you?
314
00:14:24,153 --> 00:14:26,554
I mean, do you really want
to throw your life away?
315
00:14:26,555 --> 00:14:30,624
Well, I must say it is a
shame that I have to die
316
00:14:30,625 --> 00:14:33,928
- now that I'm finally in the right body.
- Oh...
317
00:14:33,929 --> 00:14:37,631
- What-what do you mean?
- I had a sex change.
318
00:14:37,632 --> 00:14:39,834
- It's obvious, huh?
- Oh!
319
00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:42,135
Oh well... oh.
320
00:14:42,136 --> 00:14:44,571
- So you had the surgery?
- Oh no.
321
00:14:44,572 --> 00:14:48,342
- Just the hormones?
- Oh, God no! No.
322
00:14:48,343 --> 00:14:52,112
- It's a homeopathic sex change.
- (crowd laughing)
323
00:14:52,113 --> 00:14:53,981
Much healthier.
324
00:14:53,982 --> 00:14:56,984
I just drink water that
has the memory of estrogen.
325
00:14:56,985 --> 00:15:00,053
- (crowd laughing)
- You know, tap water.
326
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:04,590
Well, you look beautiful, sister!
327
00:15:04,591 --> 00:15:07,593
Oh, thanks. That means a lot.
328
00:15:07,594 --> 00:15:09,595
(crowd laughing)
329
00:15:09,596 --> 00:15:12,365
Really, it does seem a shame
then to just throw it away.
330
00:15:12,366 --> 00:15:14,600
I mean, don't you wanna,
don't you wanna experience
331
00:15:14,601 --> 00:15:17,803
- what it'll be like to live as a woman?
- Oh!
332
00:15:17,804 --> 00:15:21,007
- I don't wanna die.
- Then let's not die!
333
00:15:21,008 --> 00:15:23,442
- (all): Let's not die!
- Yeah!
334
00:15:23,443 --> 00:15:26,944
Guys, I'm really proud of this
decision. Let's talk to Sid. Where is he?
335
00:15:26,945 --> 00:15:29,347
(crowd laughing)
336
00:15:30,582 --> 00:15:32,283
Oh, good God!
337
00:15:32,284 --> 00:15:34,252
(crowd laughing again)
338
00:15:34,253 --> 00:15:36,488
- (car horns sounding)
- Hey, Sid.
339
00:15:36,489 --> 00:15:38,189
Hey, Dave.
340
00:15:38,190 --> 00:15:40,425
What'cha doin'?
341
00:15:40,426 --> 00:15:43,594
You ever notice that people look
like worker ants from up here?
342
00:15:43,595 --> 00:15:45,863
Sid, we're only on the 4th floor.
343
00:15:45,864 --> 00:15:49,034
Oh! Well, maybe people just
always look like worker ants to me.
344
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,701
Yeah. Hey, hey. Be careful, okay Sid?
345
00:15:51,702 --> 00:15:55,772
Careful. 'Cause, you know, Sid,
you really have a lot to live for.
346
00:15:55,773 --> 00:15:58,175
'Course I do, Dave. I'm a dentist.
347
00:15:58,176 --> 00:16:01,278
You know, everybody wants to be a dentist.
348
00:16:01,279 --> 00:16:03,547
Do you know that I get to
work with teeth every day?
349
00:16:03,548 --> 00:16:07,518
Human teeth. I get to put my
hands in the mouths of strangers
350
00:16:07,519 --> 00:16:09,619
all the time!
351
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:13,557
Drilling and cleaning human teeth.
What sap would wanna give that up?
352
00:16:13,558 --> 00:16:16,526
No one in their right minds, Sid. No.
353
00:16:16,527 --> 00:16:19,728
So... what are you doing on the ledge?
354
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:21,364
Oh, just having a cigarette.
355
00:16:21,365 --> 00:16:24,033
Your bald-headed servant
said I couldn't smoke inside.
356
00:16:24,034 --> 00:16:26,202
- Oh!
- (crowd laughing)
357
00:16:26,203 --> 00:16:28,737
That's a relief.
358
00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:32,075
You know, some people don't inhale.
359
00:16:32,076 --> 00:16:35,244
- I don't exhale.
- (crowd laughing)
360
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:38,113
Kewl.
361
00:16:41,350 --> 00:16:43,953
Boom. This just happened. You lose.
362
00:16:43,954 --> 00:16:46,354
You got Dave a fur coat?
363
00:16:46,355 --> 00:16:49,324
Awesome, if you're a star
running back in the NFL.
364
00:16:49,325 --> 00:16:51,694
Let me guess. You had to give up cable?
365
00:16:51,695 --> 00:16:53,796
Just for a couple of years.
366
00:16:53,797 --> 00:16:55,998
I'm so stupid!
367
00:16:55,999 --> 00:16:59,304
We both are. Why are we
competing for Dave's affection?
368
00:16:59,305 --> 00:17:01,996
I don't know. We don't even spend
this much money on each other!
369
00:17:01,997 --> 00:17:03,785
Dave didn't even bother to show up!
370
00:17:03,786 --> 00:17:06,108
What am I gonna do with
a suit that's not my size?
371
00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:09,411
Tell me about it! Even I
can't pull off this fur coat.
372
00:17:09,412 --> 00:17:11,746
You know...
373
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,183
I bet I could.
374
00:17:15,184 --> 00:17:18,306
Okay, guys, Sid is in. We're
gonna stand up to Damian.
375
00:17:18,332 --> 00:17:19,087
Agreed!
376
00:17:19,088 --> 00:17:21,622
Yeah, I'm tired of doing
everything just 'cause he says!
377
00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:23,126
- Yes, exactly!
- (elevator bell)
378
00:17:23,127 --> 00:17:24,736
It's almost witching hour!
379
00:17:24,993 --> 00:17:28,429
10:41 to be precise. Damian,
they're plotting against you!
380
00:17:28,430 --> 00:17:31,465
- Oh?
- Alastair and Dave are traitors!
381
00:17:31,466 --> 00:17:33,800
Nonsense! I came from China for this.
382
00:17:33,801 --> 00:17:36,570
Guys, we said we were
gonna stand up to Damian!
383
00:17:36,571 --> 00:17:38,739
We just had this conversation!
384
00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:41,608
Hey, Daveen. If you don't
wanna do it, you don't have to,
385
00:17:41,609 --> 00:17:43,644
Suicide killjoy.
386
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:45,646
(crowd laughing)
387
00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,748
Damian, I'm sorry to let you down, but,
388
00:17:47,749 --> 00:17:50,183
but I've made a great life for myself.
389
00:17:50,184 --> 00:17:53,820
- And, and I will throw it away for you.
- (crowd laughing)
390
00:17:53,821 --> 00:17:56,256
Good. So I'm thinking poison pills.
391
00:17:56,257 --> 00:17:58,759
However, this is the last
choice we'll ever make,
392
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,461
so I will open it up to the floor.
393
00:18:01,462 --> 00:18:03,296
Razor blades are always cool!
394
00:18:03,297 --> 00:18:07,133
Ah, but Sebastian, women always use pills.
395
00:18:07,134 --> 00:18:09,536
No, I say we do it like men.
396
00:18:09,537 --> 00:18:12,238
Just open the window and jump. Naked.
397
00:18:12,239 --> 00:18:14,374
The wind whipping our genitals!
398
00:18:14,375 --> 00:18:17,743
- (crowd laughing)
- Interesting, but why naked?
399
00:18:17,744 --> 00:18:20,346
- I've been working out.
- Good ideas.
400
00:18:20,347 --> 00:18:23,715
Really strong ideas. So pills it is.
401
00:18:23,716 --> 00:18:27,752
I will pass them out. Each take a
pill. At 10:45, I will give the signal.
402
00:18:27,753 --> 00:18:31,423
This will be it. And then,
we will swallow the pills.
403
00:18:31,424 --> 00:18:33,124
Pills on tongues!
404
00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:37,696
- (all, in a trance): Pills on tongues.
- (elevator bell)
405
00:18:37,697 --> 00:18:41,667
Well, you ruined the party. All of
your casual acquaintances were there
406
00:18:41,668 --> 00:18:43,767
and they seemed mildly
interested for most of it!
407
00:18:43,768 --> 00:18:46,970
And yeah, maybe the face painter spent all
of his time painting the juggler's balls,
408
00:18:46,971 --> 00:18:50,675
but for the most part, it was a
very lovely party, and you ruined it!
409
00:18:50,676 --> 00:18:53,744
- Happy frickin' birthday!
- And, yo! Dave!
410
00:18:53,745 --> 00:18:56,947
These fancy duds - ha-ha!
Could have been yours!
411
00:18:56,948 --> 00:18:59,149
(crowd laughing) Sup!
412
00:18:59,150 --> 00:19:01,151
- A ring-a-ding-ding!
- Bong!
413
00:19:01,152 --> 00:19:03,586
(crowd laughing)
414
00:19:08,559 --> 00:19:11,494
(with tongue holding a
pill): Guys, I can't do this.
415
00:19:11,495 --> 00:19:14,664
I can't, I can't do this.
416
00:19:16,634 --> 00:19:19,703
I'm sorry. I've let that
girl down her whole life.
417
00:19:19,704 --> 00:19:22,405
I'm just not gonna do it anymore.
418
00:19:22,406 --> 00:19:25,208
I've let a lot of people down too.
419
00:19:25,209 --> 00:19:28,211
- And in 2 languages!
- (crowd laughing)
420
00:19:28,212 --> 00:19:31,047
I'm a major disappointment
to all my family and friends.
421
00:19:31,048 --> 00:19:33,015
I just don't call people back!
422
00:19:33,016 --> 00:19:35,351
I have to make amends too.
423
00:19:35,352 --> 00:19:37,887
I've been steeling people's teeth.
424
00:19:37,888 --> 00:19:39,889
Human teeth!
425
00:19:39,890 --> 00:19:42,324
I've stolen over 1,000 pounds of teeth!
426
00:19:42,325 --> 00:19:45,427
- That just can't be right.
- No!
427
00:19:45,428 --> 00:19:49,164
- Not at all!
- Not me! See you in Hell!
428
00:19:51,234 --> 00:19:54,236
I'm gonna make a quick call to
my mother and tell her she sucks.
429
00:19:54,237 --> 00:19:56,905
Remind me, dial 9 to get out?
430
00:19:56,906 --> 00:19:59,674
- (both): Yes.
- Da-Damian!
431
00:19:59,675 --> 00:20:02,510
I can't believe Damian's gonna die...
432
00:20:02,511 --> 00:20:04,846
in my office.
433
00:20:04,847 --> 00:20:07,315
- (crowd laughing)
- Actually...
434
00:20:07,316 --> 00:20:09,850
I picked out the pills.
435
00:20:09,851 --> 00:20:12,720
It's just some fake ecstasy my son sold me.
436
00:20:12,721 --> 00:20:15,289
(crowd laughing)
437
00:20:16,558 --> 00:20:19,394
It is I, Malachi!
438
00:20:19,395 --> 00:20:22,129
Ruler of all Goths!
439
00:20:22,130 --> 00:20:25,800
And I command you to stop this insanity...
440
00:20:25,801 --> 00:20:27,535
(all): Shoes!
441
00:20:29,104 --> 00:20:31,138
(crowd laughing)
442
00:20:34,041 --> 00:20:36,376
You bastards knew I wasn't dying
443
00:20:36,377 --> 00:20:38,744
- and you let me call my mother?!
- (all laughing)
444
00:20:38,745 --> 00:20:42,247
Yes, we did. (Dave laughing) You know what?
445
00:20:42,248 --> 00:20:45,551
- I really have missed you guys.
- Aw! We missed you too, Dave.
446
00:20:45,552 --> 00:20:47,986
Not in a call-you-all-the-time
kinda way, but more like,
447
00:20:47,987 --> 00:20:51,657
- "Oh yeah, Dave!"
- (crowd laughing)
448
00:20:51,658 --> 00:20:55,428
You may have sold out to the man, but
you have a very impressive building.
449
00:20:55,429 --> 00:20:59,164
- And a totally doable daughter!
- Oh!
450
00:20:59,165 --> 00:21:01,967
I'm embarrassed to admit it,
but when I thought I was dying,
451
00:21:01,968 --> 00:21:04,403
I realized how much I wanted to live.
452
00:21:04,404 --> 00:21:07,705
- (team): Surprise!
- My heart!
453
00:21:07,706 --> 00:21:10,175
- My heart!
- You really got me that time!
454
00:21:10,176 --> 00:21:13,511
- I surprised my dad! Success!
- (Dave laughing)
455
00:21:13,512 --> 00:21:16,181
(crowd laughing too)
456
00:21:16,182 --> 00:21:19,417
That was good. Oh no!
457
00:21:19,418 --> 00:21:22,119
- Damian?
- Uh, oh.
458
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,089
- Is he?
- He's dead.
459
00:21:25,090 --> 00:21:29,126
- Oh, really?
- (background reactions)
460
00:21:29,127 --> 00:21:31,162
Well, I'm not surprised.
461
00:21:31,163 --> 00:21:32,950
You can't live your
whole life on nothing but
462
00:21:32,976 --> 00:21:34,698
pizza bagels and expect
to get away with it.
463
00:21:34,699 --> 00:21:36,834
You know what he does for exercise?
464
00:21:36,835 --> 00:21:40,170
- He screams up at the night!
- (crowd laughing)
465
00:21:40,171 --> 00:21:43,039
- That is good for cardio. Yeah.
- Yes.
466
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,944
And I guess plotting a suicide
pact is pretty stressful.
467
00:21:46,945 --> 00:21:49,847
All that charisma and no common sense.
468
00:21:49,848 --> 00:21:52,683
Well, to friends, here and gone.
469
00:21:52,684 --> 00:21:56,052
- (all): Cheers!
- (Damian gasping)
470
00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:57,553
I heard every word
471
00:21:57,554 --> 00:21:59,922
and not one of them was,
"Someone call an ambulance!"
472
00:21:59,923 --> 00:22:02,592
(crowd laughing)
473
00:22:02,593 --> 00:22:04,271
Ooh, cake!
474
00:22:04,272 --> 00:22:05,498
We missed you to Dave.
475
00:22:05,499 --> 00:22:08,156
- Not in a call you all the kind time away.
- (Dave laughs)
476
00:22:08,157 --> 00:22:10,259
- Did I say, did I...
- He's having a stroke!
477
00:22:10,260 --> 00:22:13,115
- He's having a stroke! Is there a doctor?
- I smell oranges!
478
00:22:13,116 --> 00:22:15,195
- Oh, I'll never work again.
- No. (laughs)
479
00:22:15,925 --> 00:22:19,118
- Well, you're not working now.
- (all laugh)
480
00:22:19,452 --> 00:22:24,752
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00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:29,352
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