Original subtitles

- (elevator bell) - There you are!

I've been looking everywhere for you. Happy Birthday, Dad!

Sweetie, please, don't mention that again. Honestly.

And make sure you tell everyone: no gifts.

- Sir, are we upset about turning 50? - No.

Just think, if this were the Middle Ages, you'd already be dead.

Well, thank you, Bryce.

But I'm just not in the mood for celebrating.

Well, get in the mood!

I have a big surprise party planned for you!

Traditionally, you don't tell someone you're going to surprise them.

Well, don't worry about it, sweetheart. Nothing surprises me anyway.

- Don't even try, Gordon. - (crowd laughing)

- All right. - No, you're gonna be surprised this time:

I have 4 of your best pals from high school coming up to the office.

- What? - Yeah!

Oh, sweetie...

You really shouldn't have.

Sir, your 4 best pals from high school?!

What were you guys? A rowing crew?

Young entrepreneurs? An improv troupe?

No, not exactly. (elevator bell)

- (all, zombie-like): Surprise. - (crowd cheering)

Hello, Daveen.

(crowd laughing and cheering)

(screaming)

Fill the lens

With all your friends

Oh now

Is forever

Come on, fill the lens

With all your friends

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Okay, so here we have some coffee, and there's some sugar and cream.

But you guys probably like your coffee black. (forced laugh)

- (crowd laughing) - It's just a joke.

Really?

(crowd laughing again)

Wow! This is a really nice office.

Yeah. Daveen did really well for himself.

This place really is breathtaking.

(forced cough)

Sorry, I always get a bad taste in my mouth

when I'm in a corporate whorehouse.

- (others agreeing) - Stinks of money!

Where is Daveen?

It's like he doesn't even want us here.

You know, I took the bus all the way from Orillia.

- I came from China. - (crowd laughing)

But I didn't have to endure the bus.

- (crowd laughing) - What up?

Hey, suit.

- (crowd laughing) - So, back in high school,

what did you guys, like, do?

Mostly, we hung around Damian's mom's basement,

contemplating the mind-numbing existence of a godless universe.

- (crowd laughing) - And we saw a lot of bands.

So Goths are like,

what, sad vampires?

Oh, we're not like vampires.

Because we don't plan to live forever.

(Goths chuckling)

Now that's a joke, Goldilocks!

(crowd laughing)

So, what were you? In a Goth band?

No, we weren't in a Goth band!

- We had a suicide pact. - (crowd laughing)

Bryce, we-

We agreed that when the youngest of us turned 50,

we would get together and end our bondage to this empty world.

- (crowd laughing) - Well sir, a suicide pact...

- Should I call the police? - No! No, we can't do that.

Not to Damian.

- Which one is Damian? - You couldn't tell?

Honestly, sir, they all seem like slight variations on a theme.

- (crowd laughing) - Bryce, I know it seems crazy,

but Damian's just always had this effect on me.

I mean, he has this effect on all of us!

You know, he's just so damn charismatic!

You must be feeling it too.

- No, sir. Not in the least. - Really?

Uh, dad, you're being rude.

Sweetheart, hey.

They're waiting for you, and you're in here drinking!

Oh, sweetheart, I know you've put a lot of work into

making this a great birthday and I really do appreciate it.

And though no fault of your own, you have opened up the gates to Hell!

- But were you surprised? - (crowd laughing)

Oh! Hey, Facebook friends.

My dad'll just be a minute.

Your beautiful blonde hair disgusts me.

- (crowd laughing) - I'm sorry, what?

Are you seeing anyone?

- (crowd laughing again) - You're my dad's age, so...

In the dark, we have no age.

But if my back goes out, you'll have to do all the work.

- Kewl? - (crowd laughing)

Lots to think about... sir.

Beckett, Nelson!

She's thinking about it!

- All right! - What are you still doing here?

- We wanted to watch the freaks. - No, no, no!

You're supposed to be hanging decorations. We're on a very tight schedule!

- Did you at least get the dry ice machine? - You were serious about that?!

(crowd laughing)

Don't worry, Stephanie. I'll go get the dry ice.

Besides, those German mimes scare me.

(crowd laughing)

- Hey, guys. - Is it Daveen?

- It is. - Spin me!

(crowd laughing)

I'm getting a really weird vibe from you, Daveen.

It's almost like you don't want us here.

No, no, no, no!

No, that's crazy. No, I'm so excited you're here.

I want to get all caught up, I mean, so much has happened

since we were young and dark and hanging out in your mom's basement.

Actually, I still live in my mother's basement.

(crowd laughing)

Really? Does she still watch the weather channel

with her house dress coquettishly half open?

- (crowd laughing) - Yes.

And she's still cruel and sadistic.

Last night she interrupted my blood letting ritual

with pizza bagels!

- How banal. - So first world.

I think it's amazing that Damian's never sold out.

- Yeah. - Yes, Daveen.

What do you think of a 52-year-old man

who still lives in his mother's basement?

I think you're the bravest man I've ever met.

- (crowd laughing) - Then join us. Join us.

Parents, huh. Can't live with 'em, and...

there are other options.

- Sir, can I talk to you for a minute? - Huh?

- Hey, you didn't get Dave anything, right? - No, of course not.

Dave said "no gifts".

Man, Stephanie is the worst party planner in history.

Remember her 3-days-before-Easter party?

- Yeah. Terrible Friday. - (crowd laughing)

Where's the photographer?!

What's the 20 on the photographer?

- Calm down, I'm right here. - Never mind. We found the photographer.

You're not talking to anyone on that, are you?

Smile!

Stephanie, I have the ice. Where do you want it?

Gordon, that is dry ice. It's gonna burn through your hands!

- Don't be silly. Ice doesn't BUUURRRRN!!! - (crowd laughing)

Sir, I have never seen you like this. Please get a hold of yourself.

You are Dave Lyons, for God's sake!

You're right, Bryce.

I'm Dave Lyons! But I can't find my eyeliner.

Can you run to the pharmacy and get me one? I want to look cool for Damian.

- What the hell was that?! - It was a slap, sir.

Oh, for God's sakes, Bryce! If you're gonna slap a man, you better slap him...

- Ow! - (crowd laughing)

Thank you, Bryce. Good to have you back, sir.

Yeah, I think it's about time I kicked some Goth ass, huh?

Yeah, I'll tell Damian I will commit suicide

over my dead body!

(crowd laughing)

Hey, guys.

Daveen. We've been expecting you.

Welcome to the semi-circle of despair.

Where did you get all the candelabras?

- At the Candelabrium. - On Bathurst.

- (crowd laughing) - They sell only candelabras.

They were having a going-out-of-business sale.

Obviously.

- Hey, guys. - (all): Shoes!

Sorry.

Guys, can we talk ab...

You guys are all wearing shoes!

- (crowd laughing) - Life isn't fair, Daveen.

That's why we're ending It.

(crowd laughing) Guys, can we talk about the pact?

What's to talk about? We all agreed,

when the last one of us turns 50,

if the world isn't cool yet, we'd kill ourselves.

Beep beep beep. News flash:

the world isn't cool yet.

Well, Julia Louis Dreyfus is always delightful.

- That's true. - (others mumbling in agreement)

It's just not enough!

Besides, we signed a contract in blood.

And I remember it clearly because we used my blood.

And Damian insisted on several additional clauses.

Well, if God did exist,

he'd be in the details.

I'm sorry, guys, but this is insane.

I'm-I'm-I'm out of the pact.

Yeah, but you promised.

I may have promised, but I...

- You're right. - (crowd laughing)

I promised. I'm in.

Excellent.

So, we kill ourselves then. At the witching hour.

Yes! 10:45.

I always thought the witching hour was midnight.

But I was always wrong.

10:45 it is.

The witching hour!

- (crowd laughing) - Tonight, we die as we lived!

Self-righteous and afraid.

Of jocks.

I mean, what's their problem anyway?

- There are other ways to get up a rope. - Yeah.

(door opening)

- So... talked to the guys. - And?

And we came to an understanding.

- You agreed to kill yourself, didn't you? - Yes, I did, Bryce. I'm sorry.

But you don't understand. There's just no arguing with that guy.

I mean, he's just literally dripping with charisma!

And when he gives you those pouty eyes, you feel terrible about disappointing him.

I understand, sir. I'll just ask the cleaning staff

if they have any extra bleach and 5 body bags.

- Thank you, Bryce. Thank you. - Sir, that was sarcasm!

Clearly the problem here is that Damian fellow!

I say we cut this snake off at the head.

Not when the snake has eyes like that, you don't!

No, we're gonna have to cut this snake off at the tail. I tell you what.

You go distract Damian and I'll try to talk sense to the other guys.

I'm on it, sir. Which one is Damian again?

What, are you made of stone?

(crowd laughing)

Oh, my God, Gordon, I'm so sorry!

I'm okay.

It doesn't hurt near as much as letting you DOOOWN!!!

Actually, it hurts a lot more!

(sighing)

- What is that? - It's a little lion I made.

Pretty proud. (short laugh)

No, no. What is that?

- Oh, uh, nothing. - Oh, it's something.

- It's a little box. - It's a...

(clearing his throat) It's a token.

We said: no gifts!

Well, you didn't say anything about no tokens.

- It's a little tie pin. - A tie pin?

That's a gift.

- Great. Now I look like a jerk. - Well, come on now.

You looking like a jerk has nothing to do with me.

All right. Oh, that's a cute little lion.

Hey, lay off my balloon, man! No! Come on!

- (both arguing and screaming) - Hey!

Hey! No loot bags for you!

- What?! - (crowd laughing)

- Aw, man! - Pff!

- I had fuzzy peaches in 'em. - Probably a parachute, man.

Pff!

And here we have our boardroom.

We have a corkboard, a whiteboard...

- Any blackboard? - Uh, no.

Optimist. I'm gonna go check on the guys.

No, no, wait. You haven't seen everything on the shelves

or sat in any of the chairs yet, huh?

- I know what you're doing. - You do?

You're trying to seduce me.

And it's working.

Oh!

(crowd laughing)

There's a party downstairs, they have cake!

- Oh, cake? - (crowd laughing again)

Okay, guys, my dad's running late, but he's gonna be here any minute.

When he gets here, everybody pretend to be having fun!

Who am I, Meryl Streep?

When I yell surprise, you cue the dry ice machine, okay?

And now this party's gonna be off the hook!

(forced laugh) I'm having so much fun!

- You're scaring people. - Oh...

- (crowd laughing) - Hey. What did you buy?

Oh, this? It's nothing. Just a little token.

Something Dave can wear with his "not a gift" tie pin.

(forced laugh)

- Single-breasted... - Mm-hmm.

Double vented...

3-piece Hugo Boss suit?

- (crowd laughing) - Come on. I'll buy you a beer.

A beer does sound good.

But first, uh, I gotta use the bathroom.

Hey, where are you going? The bathroom is right there.

Well, sometimes I like to pee outside.

Oh, really? I think you're going to buy another gift!

You wanna watch me pee? Is that what you want, Beckett?

That's exactly what I want.

- All right, let's do that. - Can't wait.

(both): Okay, let's go. Right now.

Following you right out there. Nope, I am not gonna do that.

(crowd laughing)

Oh!

Surprise! Happy Birthday!

Ugh. It's not him.

And this is Manion's, the bar downstairs.

Your party makes me wanna kill myself.

(crowd laughing)

- Gordon, turn the damn thing off! - I don't know how! Oh, wait!

I'll just take the ice OUUUTTT!!!

(crowd laughing)

Where'd he go?

He's not the only one with tricks up his wizard sleeves.

If you see my dad, remind him about the surprise party!

Alastair, do you really want to die?

I mean, hasn't your life been fulfilling at all?

Fulfilling?

Actually, it's exceeded my wildest expectations.

I teach English as a second language.

- A second language! - (crowd laughing)

These people already have one language under their belt

and they want to learn another one!

And who's the guy that gets to teach them?

Well, I'll give you a hint: Wu-ha.

That's great.

And Sebastian, what about you?

I mean, do you really want to throw your life away?

Well, I must say it is a shame that I have to die

- now that I'm finally in the right body. - Oh...

- What-what do you mean? - I had a sex change.

- It's obvious, huh? - Oh!

Oh well... oh.

- So you had the surgery? - Oh no.

- Just the hormones? - Oh, God no! No.

- It's a homeopathic sex change. - (crowd laughing)

Much healthier.

I just drink water that has the memory of estrogen.

- (crowd laughing) - You know, tap water.

Well, you look beautiful, sister!

Oh, thanks. That means a lot.

(crowd laughing)

Really, it does seem a shame then to just throw it away.

I mean, don't you wanna, don't you wanna experience

- what it'll be like to live as a woman? - Oh!

- I don't wanna die. - Then let's not die!

- (all): Let's not die! - Yeah!

Guys, I'm really proud of this decision. Let's talk to Sid. Where is he?

(crowd laughing)

Oh, good God!

(crowd laughing again)

- (car horns sounding) - Hey, Sid.

Hey, Dave.

What'cha doin'?

You ever notice that people look like worker ants from up here?

Sid, we're only on the 4th floor.

Oh! Well, maybe people just always look like worker ants to me.

Yeah. Hey, hey. Be careful, okay Sid?

Careful. 'Cause, you know, Sid, you really have a lot to live for.

'Course I do, Dave. I'm a dentist.

You know, everybody wants to be a dentist.

Do you know that I get to work with teeth every day?

Human teeth. I get to put my hands in the mouths of strangers

all the time!

Drilling and cleaning human teeth. What sap would wanna give that up?

No one in their right minds, Sid. No.

So... what are you doing on the ledge?

Oh, just having a cigarette.

Your bald-headed servant said I couldn't smoke inside.

- Oh! - (crowd laughing)

That's a relief.

You know, some people don't inhale.

- I don't exhale. - (crowd laughing)

Kewl.

Boom. This just happened. You lose.

You got Dave a fur coat?

Awesome, if you're a star running back in the NFL.

Let me guess. You had to give up cable?

Just for a couple of years.

I'm so stupid!

We both are. Why are we competing for Dave's affection?

I don't know. We don't even spend this much money on each other!

Dave didn't even bother to show up!

What am I gonna do with a suit that's not my size?

Tell me about it! Even I can't pull off this fur coat.

You know...

I bet I could.

Okay, guys, Sid is in. We're gonna stand up to Damian.

Agreed!

Yeah, I'm tired of doing everything just 'cause he says!

- Yes, exactly! - (elevator bell)

It's almost witching hour!

10:41 to be precise. Damian, they're plotting against you!

- Oh? - Alastair and Dave are traitors!

Nonsense! I came from China for this.

Guys, we said we were gonna stand up to Damian!

We just had this conversation!

Hey, Daveen. If you don't wanna do it, you don't have to,

Suicide killjoy.

(crowd laughing)

Damian, I'm sorry to let you down, but,

but I've made a great life for myself.

- And, and I will throw it away for you. - (crowd laughing)

Good. So I'm thinking poison pills.

However, this is the last choice we'll ever make,

so I will open it up to the floor.

Razor blades are always cool!

Ah, but Sebastian, women always use pills.

No, I say we do it like men.

Just open the window and jump. Naked.

The wind whipping our genitals!

- (crowd laughing) - Interesting, but why naked?

- I've been working out. - Good ideas.

Really strong ideas. So pills it is.

I will pass them out. Each take a pill. At 10:45, I will give the signal.

This will be it. And then, we will swallow the pills.

Pills on tongues!

- (all, in a trance): Pills on tongues. - (elevator bell)

Well, you ruined the party. All of your casual acquaintances were there

and they seemed mildly interested for most of it!

And yeah, maybe the face painter spent all of his time painting the juggler's balls,

but for the most part, it was a very lovely party, and you ruined it!

- Happy frickin' birthday! - And, yo! Dave!

These fancy duds - ha-ha! Could have been yours!

(crowd laughing) Sup!

- A ring-a-ding-ding! - Bong!

(crowd laughing)

(with tongue holding a pill): Guys, I can't do this.

I can't, I can't do this.

I'm sorry. I've let that girl down her whole life.

I'm just not gonna do it anymore.

I've let a lot of people down too.

- And in 2 languages! - (crowd laughing)

I'm a major disappointment to all my family and friends.

I just don't call people back!

I have to make amends too.

I've been steeling people's teeth.

Human teeth!

I've stolen over 1,000 pounds of teeth!

- That just can't be right. - No!

- Not at all! - Not me! See you in Hell!

I'm gonna make a quick call to my mother and tell her she sucks.

Remind me, dial 9 to get out?

- (both): Yes. - Da-Damian!

I can't believe Damian's gonna die...

in my office.

- (crowd laughing) - Actually...

I picked out the pills.

It's just some fake ecstasy my son sold me.

(crowd laughing)

It is I, Malachi!

Ruler of all Goths!

And I command you to stop this insanity...

(all): Shoes!

(crowd laughing)

You bastards knew I wasn't dying

- and you let me call my mother?! - (all laughing)

Yes, we did. (Dave laughing) You know what?

- I really have missed you guys. - Aw! We missed you too, Dave.

Not in a call-you-all-the-time kinda way, but more like,

- "Oh yeah, Dave!" - (crowd laughing)

You may have sold out to the man, but you have a very impressive building.

- And a totally doable daughter! - Oh!

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but when I thought I was dying,

I realized how much I wanted to live.

- (team): Surprise! - My heart!

- My heart! - You really got me that time!

- I surprised my dad! Success! - (Dave laughing)

(crowd laughing too)

That was good. Oh no!

- Damian? - Uh, oh.

- Is he? - He's dead.

- Oh, really? - (background reactions)

Well, I'm not surprised.

You can't live your whole life on nothing but

pizza bagels and expect to get away with it.

You know what he does for exercise?

- He screams up at the night! - (crowd laughing)

- That is good for cardio. Yeah. - Yes.

And I guess plotting a suicide pact is pretty stressful.

All that charisma and no common sense.

Well, to friends, here and gone.

- (all): Cheers! - (Damian gasping)

I heard every word

and not one of them was, "Someone call an ambulance!"

(crowd laughing)

Ooh, cake!

We missed you to Dave.

- Not in a call you all the kind time away. - (Dave laughs)

- Did I say, did I... - He's having a stroke!

- He's having a stroke! Is there a doctor? - I smell oranges!

- Oh, I'll never work again. - No. (laughs)

- Well, you're not working now. - (all laugh)

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