Original subtitles

Oh. You're up early for somebody who never has to be anywhere,

- ever. - Stephanie just texted,

and she asked if you could pick her up a large dark Colombian.

I'm assuming that's a coffee, but either way, I will have one.

Between you and Steph, it's like being a butler,

- but without the Batcave. - So, uh,

this Stephanie seems to have been texting you quite a bit.

What category does she fall under? Kill, bang, or marry?

- Nope, not playing this game. - Oh, come on, it's a fun game.

Kill, bang, marry? Kill, bang, marry? Kill, bang, marry?

How about eat, sleep, mind your business?

Oh! Guess which one I'd pick for you.

Well, we've already done the second one, so either

I need to pick out a tux or run for my life.

[she laughs]

I'll give you a 10-minute head start.

- I'm not afraid of you. - Nine fifty-nine,

9:58, 9:57, 9:56, 9:55.

Fill the lens

With all your friends

Oh now is forever

Come on fill the lens

With all your friends

1x06 - Mad About Beckett

Good morning, angels.

[all] Good morning, David.

I hope you're rested and ready for your next PR assignment.

Hot young actor Adam Brixton needs our help.

Do we really have to do this? I mean, you're standing right there.

I was just trying to bring a little magic to our Monday,

but fine, we'll do it your way, Beckett.

So, Dad, why does Adam Brixton need our help?

I love him. He is huge right now.

Well, not so huge as you might think.

He texted a photo of his penis to a girl. This is the photo.

You each get to make 1 joke before we get down to business.

Uh, maybe his penis had to lose weight for a role.

Oh, how cute, he has an innie.

Oh, when he says he's not that into you, he means it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good, that's good.

Yeah, let's end there.

But I gave Adam Brixton my personal guarantee

that we would make this go way.

Although it kind of looks like it already went away.

Until this is taken care of, for me, this is job #1.

- Sir, your Alumni magazine is here. - Oh, and I am out.

You guys be brilliant, or at least solve the problem.

Wait, this is job 1 and you're off to read a magazine? [Nelson gasps]

Please let me call security and have him escorted out of the building.

That's all right. I'm sure Beckett wasn't aware

that questioning the reading of my Alumni magazine is

- grounds for termination. - It is? [Nelson gasps]

That's twice you've made the group gasp!

Sorry I'm late. I fell asleep on the toilet.

The water reminds me of the ocean.

- What'd I miss? - We were making penis jokes.

- Ohhh. I've got one. - What is it?

Oh, no, I just meant I have a penis.

OK, we say Adam Brixton had a bad junk day.

You know, one of those days it just won't do

what you want it to do. Blame the humidity.

- It's tiny, not frizzy. - How about... dehydration?

- It's not a raisin. - Wishes it was a raisin.

All right, maybe we should run this by Dave.

No, no, no! He needs to be alone to read about how

much better he's doing than all his former classmates.

Puts him in a great mood.

And that is when we move in for the kill.

Last month, he expensed my spa day.

This, right here, doesn't come cheap.

Have we solved the Adam Brixton problem?

Uh, well, actually, if you've got a couple of seconds...

I have just enough time to fire you if you're trying

to make the Adam Brixton problem my problem.

- What's wrong, Dad? - This.

An obituary for Chadwick Shuttlesworth.

That is a great name.

- What was he, your butler? - No, he was

my economics professor, and I do not want to talk about it.

I would, however, like to discuss your $1,700 spa day.

- What, this? - Yes! Because, you see,

THIS is not a business expense, so THIS had better reimburse me

or THIS will be interviewing replacements for THIS.

You can't replace this!

You can't replace this.

Gordon. Intern.

Shouldn't you be doing something intern-y?

She is, she's tweeting.

"Just saw a guy wearing a striped shirt and plaid pants.

Fashion risk-taker, or old Chinese man?"

[Gordon laughs]

- Turns out, it was my grandpa. - Sounds like MY grandpa.

Except he dresses differently and he's not Chinese,

and he's in a coffee can in my garage.

OK, I have photos of 5 celebrity... you knows.

And what happened to the men that took them.

Hm. You could package these packages like hockey cards

collect the whole set. Just don't put 'em in your bike spokes.

Why do men take pictures of their thingies?

They are not photogenic.

Yeah, but that's because guys always shoot them straight on.

You need to create a little movement, some tension,

a theme, maybe give them a little cape.

Yeah, it'll... go with their helmet.

[laughing] Psh, psh! Whew!

Whoa, watch where you're pointing those, cowgirl.

Got it, got it, got it, need it...

I'm gonna borrow this.

Boss, are you OK?

Hey, and I'm not just asking 'cause I'm worried about this.

I also care about that. But mainly it's really about this.

I'm fine, and please stop gesturing at me.

It's just that I could see you were upset about your professor.

When I'm upset, I like to talk about things.

- Well, I do not. - Usually over drinks.

Well, talking couldn't hurt.

[cell phone notification]

@ThatPRIntern: "Spent the morning labelling peen pics.

Mom would be so proud. #blessed."

- The "blessed" is sarcastic. - Don't try to explain Twitter to me!

Might I remind you, I have 100 followers to your lowly...

The internet must be broken.

You have 500 followers? How'd you get so popular?

Because I'm a lowly intern. Everyone loves an underdog.

I'm the voice of the little people.

But I'M the little people! I've always been the little people!

When I first started here, I thought you were a garden gnome.

But don't worry, you're real.

I know! I know, I know. It's a satellite photo

taken after swimming in the Arctic.

That's why your thingy looks so small.

I'm talking about Adam Brixton's thingy; I'm not talking about your thingy.

You know, we're all grownups here.

- You could say the word. - Ooh, what word?

Penis. Stephanie can't say it.

Are you asking girls to say penis again?

We're working on the Adam Brixton small penis case...

you know, the one where he texts his penis,

and then his penis goes viral, and... anyway,

Beckett here thinks I can't say the word "penis".

Yeah, seems to me like you have trouble NOT saying the word.

See? I told you I can say the word...

Damn it!

Wait a minute, so, you can say the word;

you just can't say it to me.

I can say it to girlfriends, gay friends, cabbies...

the guy in the subway that sniffs my hair.

Although with him I have to say the words

"stop touching your" right in front of it.

I don't know, maybe it's the, you know, the sexual tension between us.

Oh, my god, you feel that too, right?

Oh, I'm feeling it now.

Look, it's hard enough being the boss's daughter,

so I made a rule: no dating coworkers.

All right, so, let me get this straight. You think that if

you say "penis" to me, somehow we'll end up going steady?

- Maybe. It's a gateway word for me. - What is a gateway word?

It's a word that makes me think of sex.

I have like a tonne of them.

Like, this one time, I asked my neighbour

if I could use his caulking gun. I had to move.

All right, look, Steph, I promise, if you say the word "penis",

we're not gonna rip our clothes off and get all freaky.

Nobody wants that.

Come on. Try it.

- Penis. - OK. I almost heard that.

- Try it again. - Penis.

All right. Better. You feel anything?

- No. - OK, do it again. Put your back into it a little.

- Penis. - Better.

Now with some conviction. Right here.

- Penis! - Whoa.

[chuckles]

- Penis. - There it is.

- Penis! - Let me hear ya! Oh, yeah.

- Penis! - OK.

Penis, penis, penis.

That's the word.

Oh! God, Beckett, this is amazing!

The sexual tension between us, it is completely gone.

Thanks, Beckett.

Oh, that's a weight off my shoulders.

- Another for the boss man. - Ah, thank you. You know,

drinking the pain away really is a workable strategy.

How about a toast? To Professor Shuttlesworth.

A mentor is never forgotten, because a student is always learning.

What? No, I hated Shuttlesworth.

He said I was a poor excuse for a student

who would never make it. I've been waiting 30 years

for just the right moment to tell him, "You were wrong

about me, you stupid-named limy bastard!"

I hope he spends eternity in a fiery hell,

seared by flames that burn but do not consume.

- I hope you're not giving the eulogy. - Mm.

All right, you want to do this?

- Mm. - Eighth grade,

I'm giving a book report in front of the class.

Suddenly, I notice that I can see up Lorie-Jean Metz's skirt.

- And, uh, you know. - Oh, no. Were you tenting?

It was like Pinocchio taking the stand in a murder trial.

[She laughs]

Did anybody notice?

Only when Nelson shouted, "Look at Beckett's boner!"

[She laughs]

All right, your turn.

- OK. High school. - Mm.

Kyle Hart. I show up wearing my Britney Spears crop top.

He asks me if I rub zit cream all over my boobs

will they disappear.

[He laughs] Sorry.

But whatever, the smaller the grape, the sweeter the wine.

So I hear. Oh, come on. Women are lucky.

Their parts can be small and still sexy.

If a guy wants to be small and sexy, he has to buy a sports car.

[She laughs]

Hey, wait, I have an idea.

What if we embrace the disgrace?

You know, like, make it a cause,

a cause that needs someone proud enough to say,

"It's not small; it's fun-sized".

Hey, "You won't even know I'm in you" is a legitimate pickup line.

It's less rod, more "Oh, my god".

- Adam Brixton will be that guy. - Yes! Ah!

- This is great! - Whoa, OK.

Oh, my god. This could really work.

You'll get no argument here.

- I'm so happy tonight happened. - Yeah.

- Anyways, I gotta go. - Where you going?

Crashing in your room; I'm a little too drive to drunk.

Good night, friend.

- Penis. - Yep.

[singing] Penis, penis, penis.

- Penis. - OK, goodnight, pal.

All right, I gotta get a caulking gun.

Morning, Beckett.

Oh, hey, you found my hockey shirt.

Did you find the matching sweatpants?

No, you did not.

Oh, I'm sorry. Does this bother you?

Oh, no, it's fine. I... barely noticed.

Last night was amazing! Passionate, honest.

We connected on this intimate level and didn't have to take our clothes off.

Well, I did, but that's just 'cause I like sleeping naked.

You don't say.

- Hey, hey, you two. - Oh, God.

So... did you guys, uh... [popping sound]

No, we did not... [popping sound]

No, Beckett and I are just buds, we're coworkers.

You know, 2 human beings who for the rest of time

will never have to be burdened by sex.

- Isn't that great? - That is super!

- Isn't that right, Beckett? - Oh, it's a dream come true.

- What's up, chief? - I'm just adding my thoughts

to this tribute page for Professor Shuttlesworth.

Oh, you decided to take the high road. Good for you.

I'm making a list of reasons I'm glad he's dead.

Ninety-seven: because he spoke with a fake British accent...

even though he was British.

Ninety-eight: because he was a creepy, crotchety critic.

Ninety-nine: because he hated alliteration.

What kind of monster hates alliteration?

I did a little homework, and I think I found a way

for you to make your peace.

- Here. - What?

Hello. Uh, who is this?

Mrs. Shuttlesworth?

Uh, you probably don't remember me. This is Dave Lyons.

Oh, you do remember me? Oh, well... Hold on.

How is this supposed to give me peace?

Because I bet he was tougher on the students he respected the most. Ask!

Hey, just a shot in the dark: would you say your husband was

harder on me because he respected me more than the other stu...

Now she's crying.

Oh, you're not crying? Oh, you're laughing.

Derisively, yes.

Oh, at me. Yes, I assumed.

Yes. No, no, I think that covers everything.

What? Oh, well... well, you're very welcome.

Yes, laughter is precious at a time like this.

Uh, the good news is she remembered you.

One hundred: his wife is a bitch.

[both laugh]

"Stealing office supplies. #InternPerks"?

That's not a perk, that's theft.

I'm writing you up. Where are all the pens?

You are officially on probation. And don't you dare tweet that.

"I have to get off Twitter before my boss wets his fanny pack."

[laughs]

She's tweeting what we're all thinking.

I mean it. If you tweet just one more time,

- I will terminate your internship. - Fine!

You're not punishing me; you're punishing my followers.

That's me. How will I fill my days?

- With work! - I can't. Someone took all my pens.

Yes, it's small,

but that doesn't mean that my feelings are small.

That's why I'm here, standing up

for all of the men who are afraid to shower at the gym,

see a nurse about a rash... maybe.

It's time that we un-hood the wood.

Un-hood the wood! Questions?

Adam Brixton will forever be the public face of tiny penises.

- Great work, Beckett. - Oh, you're welcome, but don't thank just me; thank...

Adam Brixton and his small pecker.

Seriously, though, great work.

Stephanie, you can learn a lot from this guy.

[Beckett sighs] What?

Why didn't you tell my Dad that it was my idea too?

I don't know. Didn't come up.

Yes, it did. It just came up! Twice!

- Oops? - I needed this! The last time I got

credit for something was when I ordered Chinese for lunch.

You got credit for it, but you ordered orange peel

beef and orange peel chicken! It's a total waste of a second dish!

It is not the sauce that makes the dish, it is the meat!

Oh, careful. That might be another gateway word.

What a dick.

Oh, when I look at them, it just seems wrong to pick a favourite.

Amalgamate.

- So, you're amalgamating. - Mm-hmm.

Would you like one? It's surprisingly terrible.

Do you remember what I was doing when you first hired me?

Nelson, I just had 10 drinks in 5 minutes.

The fact that I remember your name is Nelson is a feat to be applauded.

- It is Nelson, right? - I was selling magazine subscriptions.

You hung up on me, I think, 12 times.

But on the 13th time, you sold me a subscription to Scientific Farming.

I don't know how you did it, but you made it sound sexy.

- And on the follow-up call? - I brought you in for an interview.

You walked into my office with the most blatantly fraudulent

r?sum? I'd ever seen and hair more glorious than John Stamos.

You were born for PR, my friend.

And unlike the way Shuttlesworth treated you,

you saw my value and you gave me a shot.

Oh, shots!

Agh. And I think the reason you give people a chance

is because Shuttlesworth never gave you one.

No, no, you know what I think happened?

I think because Shuttlesworth never gave me a chance,

that's why I like to give other people a chance.

Couldn't have said it better myself, boss.

Yep, well, thank you, Nelson.

Hey, is there any way you can get me out of that subscription?

Sure. But you're gonna miss the big spring seed issue.

They're blowing the lid off of combine harvesters.

- Oh, that sounds good. - Yeah.

How do you do that?!

What are you doing?

I am moving my desk as far away from you as possible,

- you big... jerk! - Do you need some help?

Why, so you can take credit for this too?

Yes, please and thank you.

Just... OK.

Damn it! Christmas!

What do you keep in there? Another heavier desk?

I was rude to you earlier.

And, um, I know I should have told your dad

the Adam Brixton thing was your idea, but I was too busy pouting.

That's kind of my thing.

What, because we didn't sleep together?

No, no.

Well, yes.

It's 'cause you just stuck me in the friend zone

and we didn't even get a shot, you know?

And you seemed so thrilled about it,

and you kind of rubbed it in my face.

And... not in a good way.

Well, I'm sorry. Do you think I like this rule?

The closest thing I've had to a relationship lately is

listening to Fifty Shades of Grey.

Listening to it? Why don't you just read it?

- I'm masturbating, Beckett. - Yep.

That's...

What do you say we grab some dinner? Strictly platonic.

We can order nothing but orange peel entr?es.

- Chicken, beef, AND pork? - The orange peel trifecta.

You're on.

Oh, cool.

TMZ picked up our story on Adam Brixton's small, uh...

- you know. - Um... no, I don't know.

- His what? - You know, his thingy.

His thingy? What's a thingy?

You know, his... his stuff.

His stuff? Like, uh, like a drawer full of stuff?

- His manhood. - His manhood?

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

All right, you know what, just 'cause I can say it,

- it doesn't mean that I have to. - But can you say it?

- I can say it all night long. - So right now. How about just right now?

- I don't really want to. - Just say it once.

- No, I'm not doing it. - I'm all ears. I'll close my eyes.

Oh, that could have gone right in my eye.

- Luckily I'm wearing my glasses. - Gordon, you're not.

[yelling in pain]

That's a tweet right there.

That's it, you are out of the intern program!

Is this because you're jealous of me?

Twitter was my thing!

So? You're better at everything else than me.

I know. I tweeted that this morning.

I hate to admit it. I really respect you.

Really? Me? No. Why?

This place couldn't run without you.

Maybe I was being too harsh before.

Welcome back to the intern program.

Thanks, Bryce. That means a lot.

- Oh. - But my tweets just got me

a book deal, so my intern days are on hold.

Lost a great coworker today.

Will be missed. Hashtag, number sign.

I just saw your tweet. Did I just get fired?

The day is young, Gordon. The day is young.

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