All language subtitles for Spun Out s01e06 Beckett.eng

Oh. You're up early for somebody
who never has to be anywhere,

- ever.
- Stephanie just texted,

and she asked if you could pick
her up a large dark Colombian.

I'm assuming that's a coffee,
but either way, I will have one.

Between you and Steph,
it's like being a butler,

- but without the Batcave.
- So, uh,

this Stephanie seems to have
been texting you quite a bit.

What category does she fall
under? Kill, bang, or marry?

- Nope, not playing this game.
- Oh, come on, it's a fun game.

Kill, bang, marry? Kill,
bang, marry? Kill, bang, marry?

How about eat, sleep,
mind your business?

Oh! Guess which
one I'd pick for you.

Well, we've already done
the second one, so either

I need to pick out a
tux or run for my life.

[she laughs]

I'll give you a 10-minute head start.

- I'm not afraid of you.
- Nine fifty-nine,

9:58, 9:57, 9:56, 9:55.

1x06 - Mad About Beckett

Good morning, angels.

[all] Good morning, David.

I hope you're rested and ready
for your next PR assignment.

Hot young actor Adam
Brixton needs our help.

Do we really have to do this? I
mean, you're standing right there.

I was just trying to bring
a little magic to our Monday,

but fine, we'll do it your way, Beckett.

So, Dad, why does Adam
Brixton need our help?

I love him. He is huge right now.

Well, not so huge as you might think.

He texted a photo of his penis
to a girl. This is the photo.

You each get to make 1 joke
before we get down to business.

Uh, maybe his penis had
to lose weight for a role.

Oh, how cute, he has an innie.

Oh, when he says he's not
that into you, he means it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's good, that's good.

Yeah, let's end there.

But I gave Adam Brixton
my personal guarantee

that we would make this go way.

Although it kind of looks
like it already went away.

Until this is taken care of,
for me, this is job #1.

- Sir, your Alumni magazine is here.
- Oh, and I am out.

You guys be brilliant, or
at least solve the problem.

Wait, this is job 1 and you're off
to read a magazine? [Nelson gasps]

Please let me call security and
have him escorted out of the building.

That's all right.
I'm sure Beckett wasn't aware

that questioning the reading
of my Alumni magazine is

- grounds for termination.
- It is? [Nelson gasps]

That's twice you've
made the group gasp!

Sorry I'm late.
I fell asleep on the toilet.

The water reminds me of the ocean.

- What'd I miss?
- We were making penis jokes.

- Ohhh. I've got one.
- What is it?

Oh, no, I just meant I have a penis.

OK, we say
Adam Brixton had a bad junk day.

You know, one of those
days it just won't do

what you want it to do.
Blame the humidity.

- It's tiny, not frizzy.
- How about... dehydration?

- It's not a raisin.
- Wishes it was a raisin.

All right, maybe we
should run this by Dave.

No, no, no! He needs to
be alone to read about how

much better he's doing than
all his former classmates.

Puts him in a great mood.

And that is when we
move in for the kill.

Last month, he expensed my spa day.

This, right here, doesn't come cheap.

Have we solved the
Adam Brixton problem?

Uh, well, actually, if you've
got a couple of seconds...

I have just enough time
to fire you if you're trying

to make the Adam Brixton
problem my problem.

- What's wrong, Dad?
- This.

An obituary for
Chadwick Shuttlesworth.

That is a great name.

- What was he, your butler?
- No, he was

my economics professor, and I
do not want to talk about it.

I would, however, like to
discuss your $1,700 spa day.

- What, this?
- Yes! Because, you see,

THIS is not a business expense,
so THIS had better reimburse me

or THIS will be interviewing
replacements for THIS.

You can't replace this!

You can't replace this.

Gordon. Intern.

Shouldn't you be doing
something intern-y?

She is, she's tweeting.

"Just saw a guy wearing a
striped shirt and plaid pants.

Fashion risk-taker,
or old Chinese man?"

[Gordon laughs]

- Turns out, it was my grandpa.
- Sounds like MY grandpa.

Except he dresses differently
and he's not Chinese,

and he's in a coffee can in my garage.

OK, I have photos of
5 celebrity... you knows.

And what happened to
the men that took them.

Hm. You could package these
packages like hockey cards

collect the whole set.
Just don't put 'em in your bike spokes.

Why do men take
pictures of their thingies?

They are not photogenic.

Yeah, but that's because guys
always shoot them straight on.

You need to create a little
movement, some tension,

a theme,
maybe give them a little cape.

Yeah, it'll... go with their helmet.

[laughing]
Psh, psh! Whew!

Whoa, watch where you're
pointing those, cowgirl.

Got it, got it, got it, need it...

I'm gonna borrow this.

Boss, are you OK?

Hey, and I'm not just asking
'cause I'm worried about this.

I also care about that. But
mainly it's really about this.

I'm fine, and please
stop gesturing at me.

It's just that I could see you
were upset about your professor.

When I'm upset, I like
to talk about things.

- Well, I do not.
- Usually over drinks.

Well, talking couldn't hurt.

[cell phone notification]

@ThatPRIntern: "Spent the
morning labelling peen pics.

Mom would be so proud.
#blessed."

- The "blessed" is sarcastic.
- Don't try to explain Twitter to me!

Might I remind you, I have
100 followers to your lowly...

The internet must be broken.

You have 500 followers?
How'd you get so popular?

Because I'm a lowly intern.
Everyone loves an underdog.

I'm the voice of the little people.

But I'M the little people!
I've always been the little people!

When I first started here, I
thought you were a garden gnome.

But don't worry, you're real.

I know!
I know, I know. It's a satellite photo

taken after swimming in the Arctic.

That's why your thingy looks so small.

I'm talking about Adam Brixton's thingy;
I'm not talking about your thingy.

You know, we're all grownups here.

- You could say the word.
- Ooh, what word?

Penis. Stephanie can't say it.

Are you asking girls to say penis again?

We're working on the Adam
Brixton small penis case...

you know, the one where
he texts his penis,

and then his penis goes
viral, and... anyway,

Beckett here thinks
I can't say the word "penis".

Yeah, seems to me like you have
trouble NOT saying the word.

See? I told you I can say the word...

Damn it!

Wait a minute, so,
you can say the word;

you just can't say it to me.

I can say it to girlfriends,
gay friends, cabbies...

the guy in the subway
that sniffs my hair.

Although with him I
have to say the words

"stop touching your"
right in front of it.

I don't know, maybe it's the, you
know, the sexual tension between us.

Oh, my god, you feel that too, right?

Oh, I'm feeling it now.

Look, it's hard enough
being the boss's daughter,

so I made a rule:
no dating coworkers.

All right, so, let me get this
straight. You think that if

you say "penis" to me, somehow
we'll end up going steady?

- Maybe. It's a gateway word for me.
- What is a gateway word?

It's a word that
makes me think of sex.

I have like a tonne of them.

Like, this one time,
I asked my neighbour

if I could use his
caulking gun. I had to move.

All right, look, Steph,
I promise, if you say the word "penis",

we're not gonna rip our
clothes off and get all freaky.

Nobody wants that.

Come on. Try it.

- Penis.
- OK. I almost heard that.

- Try it again.
- Penis.

All right. Better. You feel anything?

- No.
- OK, do it again. Put your back into it a little.

- Penis.
- Better.

Now with some conviction.
Right here.

- Penis!
- Whoa.

[chuckles]

- Penis.
- There it is.

- Penis!
- Let me hear ya! Oh, yeah.

- Penis!
- OK.

Penis, penis, penis.

That's the word.

Oh!
God, Beckett, this is amazing!

The sexual tension between
us, it is completely gone.

Thanks, Beckett.

Oh, that's a weight off my shoulders.

- Another for the boss man.
- Ah, thank you. You know,

drinking the pain away
really is a workable strategy.

How about a toast?
To Professor Shuttlesworth.

A mentor is never forgotten,
because a student is always learning.

What?
No, I hated Shuttlesworth.

He said I was a poor
excuse for a student

who would never make it.
I've been waiting 30 years

for just the right moment
to tell him, "You were wrong

about me, you
stupid-named limy bastard!"

I hope he spends
eternity in a fiery hell,

seared by flames that
burn but do not consume.

- I hope you're not giving the eulogy.
- Mm.

All right, you want to do this?

- Mm.
- Eighth grade,

I'm giving a book report
in front of the class.

Suddenly, I notice that I can
see up Lorie-Jean Metz's skirt.

- And, uh, you know.
- Oh, no. Were you tenting?

It was like Pinocchio taking
the stand in a murder trial.

[She laughs]

Did anybody notice?

Only when Nelson shouted,
"Look at Beckett's boner!"

[She laughs]

All right, your turn.

- OK. High school.
- Mm.

Kyle Hart. I show up wearing
my Britney Spears crop top.

He asks me if I rub zit
cream all over my boobs

will they disappear.

[He laughs]
Sorry.

But whatever, the smaller
the grape, the sweeter the wine.

So I hear.
Oh, come on. Women are lucky.

Their parts can be small and still sexy.

If a guy wants to be small and
sexy, he has to buy a sports car.

[She laughs]

Hey, wait, I have an idea.

What if we embrace the disgrace?

You know, like, make it a cause,

a cause that needs someone
proud enough to say,

"It's not small; it's fun-sized".

Hey, "You won't even know I'm in you"
is a legitimate pickup line.

It's less rod, more "Oh, my god".

- Adam Brixton will be that guy.
- Yes! Ah!

- This is great!
- Whoa, OK.

Oh, my god.
This could really work.

You'll get no argument here.

- I'm so happy tonight happened.
- Yeah.

- Anyways, I gotta go.
- Where you going?

Crashing in your room; I'm
a little too drive to drunk.

Good night, friend.

- Penis.
- Yep.

[singing] Penis, penis, penis.

- Penis.
- OK, goodnight, pal.

All right, I gotta get a caulking gun.

Morning, Beckett.

Oh, hey, you found my hockey shirt.

Did you find the matching sweatpants?

No, you did not.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Does this bother you?

Oh, no, it's fine. I...
barely noticed.

Last night was amazing!
Passionate, honest.

We connected on this intimate level
and didn't have to take our clothes off.

Well, I did, but that's just
'cause I like sleeping naked.

You don't say.

- Hey, hey, you two.
- Oh, God.

So... did you guys, uh...
[popping sound]

No, we did not...
[popping sound]

No, Beckett and I are
just buds, we're coworkers.

You know, 2 human beings
who for the rest of time

will never have to be burdened by sex.

- Isn't that great?
- That is super!

- Isn't that right, Beckett?
- Oh, it's a dream come true.

- What's up, chief?
- I'm just adding my thoughts

to this tribute page for
Professor Shuttlesworth.

Oh, you decided to take
the high road. Good for you.

I'm making a list of
reasons I'm glad he's dead.

Ninety-seven: because he spoke
with a fake British accent...

even though he was British.

Ninety-eight: because he was
a creepy, crotchety critic.

Ninety-nine: because
he hated alliteration.

What kind of monster hates alliteration?

I did a little homework,
and I think I found a way

for you to make your peace.

- Here.
- What?

Hello. Uh, who is this?

Mrs. Shuttlesworth?

Uh, you probably don't
remember me. This is Dave Lyons.

Oh, you do remember me?
Oh, well... Hold on.

How is this supposed to give me peace?

Because I bet he was tougher on the
students he respected the most. Ask!

Hey, just a shot in the dark:
would you say your husband was

harder on me because he respected
me more than the other stu...

Now she's crying.

Oh, you're not crying?
Oh, you're laughing.

Derisively, yes.

Oh, at me. Yes, I assumed.

Yes. No, no, I think
that covers everything.

What? Oh, well... well,
you're very welcome.

Yes, laughter is precious
at a time like this.

Uh, the good news
is she remembered you.

One hundred: his wife is a bitch.

[both laugh]

"Stealing office supplies.
#InternPerks"?

That's not a perk, that's theft.

I'm writing you up.
Where are all the pens?

You are officially on probation.
And don't you dare tweet that.

"I have to get off Twitter before
my boss wets his fanny pack."

[laughs]

She's tweeting what
we're all thinking.

I mean it. If you
tweet just one more time,

- I will terminate your internship.
- Fine!

You're not punishing me;
you're punishing my followers.

That's me.
How will I fill my days?

- With work!
- I can't. Someone took all my pens.

Yes, it's small,

but that doesn't mean
that my feelings are small.

That's why I'm here, standing up

for all of the men who are
afraid to shower at the gym,

see a nurse about a rash... maybe.

It's time that we un-hood the wood.

Un-hood the wood!
Questions?

Adam Brixton will forever be
the public face of tiny penises.

- Great work, Beckett.
- Oh, you're welcome, but don't thank just me; thank...

Adam Brixton and his small pecker.

Seriously, though, great work.

Stephanie, you can learn
a lot from this guy.

[Beckett sighs]
What?

Why didn't you tell my
Dad that it was my idea too?

I don't know.
Didn't come up.

Yes, it did.
It just came up! Twice!

- Oops?
- I needed this! The last time I got

credit for something was when
I ordered Chinese for lunch.

You got credit for it,
but you ordered orange peel

beef and orange peel chicken!
It's a total waste of a second dish!

It is not the sauce that
makes the dish, it is the meat!

Oh, careful. That might
be another gateway word.

What a dick.

Oh, when I look at them,
it just seems wrong to pick a favourite.

Amalgamate.

- So, you're amalgamating.
- Mm-hmm.

Would you like one?
It's surprisingly terrible.

Do you remember what I was
doing when you first hired me?

Nelson, I just had
10 drinks in 5 minutes.

The fact that I remember your name
is Nelson is a feat to be applauded.

- It is Nelson, right?
- I was selling magazine subscriptions.

You hung up on me, I think, 12 times.

But on the 13th time, you sold me a
subscription to Scientific Farming.

I don't know how you did it,
but you made it sound sexy.

- And on the follow-up call?
- I brought you in for an interview.

You walked into my office with
the most blatantly fraudulent

r?sum? I'd ever seen and hair
more glorious than John Stamos.

You were born for PR, my friend.

And unlike the way
Shuttlesworth treated you,

you saw my value and you gave me a shot.

Oh, shots!

Agh. And I think the reason
you give people a chance

is because Shuttlesworth
never gave you one.

No, no, you know
what I think happened?

I think because Shuttlesworth
never gave me a chance,

that's why I like to give
other people a chance.

Couldn't have said
it better myself, boss.

Yep, well, thank you, Nelson.

Hey, is there any way you can
get me out of that subscription?

Sure. But you're gonna miss
the big spring seed issue.

They're blowing the lid
off of combine harvesters.

- Oh, that sounds good.
- Yeah.

How do you do that?!

What are you doing?

I am moving my desk as far
away from you as possible,

- you big... jerk!
- Do you need some help?

Why, so you can take
credit for this too?

Yes, please and thank you.

Just... OK.

Damn it! Christmas!

What do you keep in there?
Another heavier desk?

I was rude to you earlier.

And, um, I know I
should have told your dad

the Adam Brixton thing was your idea,
but I was too busy pouting.

That's kind of my thing.

What, because we
didn't sleep together?

No, no.

Well, yes.

It's 'cause you just
stuck me in the friend zone

and we didn't even get a shot, you know?

And you seemed so thrilled about it,

and you kind of rubbed it in my face.

And... not in a good way.

Well, I'm sorry.
Do you think I like this rule?

The closest thing I've had
to a relationship lately is

listening to Fifty Shades of Grey.

Listening to it?
Why don't you just read it?

- I'm masturbating, Beckett.
- Yep.

That's...

What do you say we grab some dinner?
Strictly platonic.

We can order nothing
but orange peel entr?es.

- Chicken, beef, AND pork?
- The orange peel trifecta.

You're on.

Oh, cool.

TMZ picked up our story on
Adam Brixton's small, uh...

- you know.
- Um... no, I don't know.

- His what?
- You know, his thingy.

His thingy? What's a thingy?

You know, his... his stuff.

His stuff? Like, uh,
like a drawer full of stuff?

- His manhood.
- His manhood?

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

All right, you know what,
just 'cause I can say it,

- it doesn't mean that I have to.
- But can you say it?

- I can say it all night long.
- So right now. How about just right now?

- I don't really want to.
- Just say it once.

- No, I'm not doing it.
- I'm all ears. I'll close my eyes.

Oh, that could have
gone right in my eye.

- Luckily I'm wearing my glasses.
- Gordon, you're not.

[yelling in pain]

That's a tweet right there.

That's it, you are out
of the intern program!

Is this because you're jealous of me?

Twitter was my thing!

So? You're better at
everything else than me.

I know. I tweeted that this morning.

I hate to admit it.
I really respect you.

Really? Me? No.
Why?

This place couldn't run without you.

Maybe I was being too harsh before.

Welcome back to the intern program.

Thanks, Bryce. That means a lot.

- Oh.
- But my tweets just got me

a book deal, so my
intern days are on hold.

Lost a great coworker today.

Will be missed.
Hashtag, number sign.

I just saw your tweet.
Did I just get fired?

The day is young, Gordon.
The day is young.

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