Original subtitles

Beckett! Thank God you're home.

Well, this is the fanciest home invasion I've ever seen.

Never get married, all right? One minute you're a free man,

the next, you're sitting at the opera with your husband

wondering, "why do I have a husband who likes the opera?"

Where's your scotch?

Above the fridge... At my dad's house.

If you hurry, you can catch him yelling at the news.

I thought it was supposed to be over when the fat lady sings.

It's been nothing but 2 hours of fat ladies singing.

And it's only halftime.

Intermission. It's like you don't even try to be gay.

I'm just glad you live close. It's 30 deep at the bar over there.

- I have beer. - Other than light beer?

What am I, a cowboy?

That's ok, I'll just drink 7 of them.

Sure, have as many as you like.

It's not like I spent my own hard-earned money on them.

Oh. Graham just sent me a little cat video.

Actually, it's called a gif.

Well, I'd like to gif it back. I hate these things.

I need you to take my place at the opera.

Nelson, have the reason I'm straight and single is

so I don't have to go to the opera.

You'd better be nice to us. Otherwise,

we'll move into this neighbourhood, gentrify it,

and then you won't be able to afford living here.

Also, I'm kinda desperate. Graham has

this whole "gaycation" planned for us.

Explain... Briefly.

Queer beer tasting,

rainbow flag football,

- and an investment seminar. - How's that gay?

We have a lot of disposable income.

Graham and I are so different.

I mean, I like UFC, he likes Dancing With The Stars.

He likes candlelit dinners, I like eating over the sink.

- I like Lady Gaga, he loves Lady Gaga. - Yeah.

Hello, Nelson. Are you starring in March of the Penguins?

(He sighs.) Graham made me go to the opera. It's halftime.

- Still intermission. - I would never go to the opera.

It is just for snooty rich people.

- I'll give you $200 to go. - Mm-mm.

- Three hundred? - Sounds like a deal.

- I would have gone to 4. - I would have settled for 2.

Ha! All right, so, guys' night out?

Guys' night out. What do you say we slam a couple of those low-carb Brewskies?

Ok, so, guy-ish night out.

Synced and corrected by OykuBuyuk www.addic7ed.com

Bryce, what is our rule about press releases?

They never go out without your approval.

And this is why we have that rule.

"Michael Armstrong has acquired the services

of pubic relations firm..." Oh, my.

Guess it's a good thing he doesn't work for Volvo.

Dad, you are going to need to expense a flame-retardant suit,

- because I am on fire! - Uh huh.

You know that telecom exec, Tim Christie?

That bratty rich guy who got kicked off a plane because

he wouldn't shut off his phone? What a fool!

- I just signed him. - In the sense

of the renaissance fool, symbolic reminder

of the hollowness of human pretensions. Plus he's rich.

That's great, honey, and I know I shouldn't ask,

because somehow I'll wind up being less proud but...

How'd you do it?

Oh, just a little thing I call my lucky bra.

My lucky, lucky bra.

Well, I called it.

Still, it's super, honey.

You're probably wondering how I know my bra is lucky.

No, not wondering.

Well, when I first put it on, I got out of a speeding ticket.

I don't want to talk about your bra.

And then I found designer bag 50% off,

and inside the bag, a lucky penny.

I'll give you a much larger sum of money not to talk about your bra.

But then I saw a double rainbow. Now, you tell me that's not lucky.

Oh, sweetie, you know, sometimes those things are not breast-related.

- I'll tell you the rest of my lucky-bra stories at lunch! - Please don't.

- Mm... - Epic guys' night, Beck. Epic!

I thought Graham would be mad, but he said it was nice

to watch the opera with someone who wasn't muttering,

"I hate this, I hate this, I hate this".

Quick question: Was there a dog in my apartment last night?

No?

It doesn't matter. I'm sure there's an explanation I can live with.

You can find out tonight. I just have to get Abby

to take Graham off my hands. Cool, huh?

No! Not "cool, huh?"

And stop being not hung over.

- Boys. - Boss.

Look, Nelson,

last night, it was amazing, but I don't think

my body can handle another pounding like that.

I can barely walk.

Go back to Graham, for everybody's sake.

- Boys. - Boss.

- Delivery, Gordon. - A delivery? For me?

No, Commissioner Gordon.

Yes, you, Gordon! Who's it from?

It's a gift from some client. A client with exquisite taste in chairs.

My father's last words to me were,

"no one will ever give you a chair".

Those were his dying words?

No, he said it as I was leaving his house last... Did my dad die?

I don't know!

Oh, my God.

It's like I'm sitting in pudding.

Butterscotch.

It's the most comfortable of the puddings.

Abby! Get in here, you crazy kid.

Thanks for coming down. Sit down, sit down.

- Wow, you smell great! - Thank you.

You know, I recently changed my conditioner from wildflower

to lavender, and I was very concerned, but I...

that's fantastic.

That is fantastic news. (He laughs.)

Listen, let me tell you why I called you down here today.

You see, um, I was thinking, because you and Graham had hung out the other day...

you want us to hang out again tonight, right?

You know, you're taking all the fun out of me conning you into this.

But to be honest, Graham's amazing.

He's the super-awesome gay bff that I've always deserved,

and this way, you and Beckett are free to hang out and do whatever.

You know? You can chug beer, you can lift weights...

You could chug beer.

Well, then I guess meeting adjourned.

- We're done here! - Yeah, I know!

Thank you so much, sister wife. Oh! Great.

Hey, and lead with the lavender story. Graham loves talking fragrances!

Hey, Beckett, let me buy you lunch.

I would if my belly wasn't still so full of regret.

It's just that I signed this new client...

high profile, huge retainer. It's no big deal.

Well, it is a really big deal.

Yeah, I heard. Congratulations.

You can congratulate my lucky bra.

Ok. Do you think it can hear me?

- Hey, Stephie, what's up? - Oh,

I have a lucky bra!

And I have complicated pants.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I gotta get this.

- (Ringtone) - Ah! It's my client!

Sorry, I've just always wanted to say that. This is

a pretty big moment for me. You know, it's my first call

from a client. Damn it! It went to voice-mail.

Oh, well. Still a pretty big moment.

She's fun. So,

you ready to tie one on tonight, or what?

Ah, looks like you guys settled your little lovers' quarrel, huh?

Boss, you know that I'm straight.

Yeah, no, but I also know that sometimes these things just happen.

Sometimes in Mexico.

But enough about me.

What?

Bryce, I'm all done with this press release. I'll need it sent out immediately.

Uh-uh-uh-uh. Your father has to look that over first. Those are the rules.

I am capable of writing a simple press release, thank you.

Besides, I already rubbed it on my lucky bra.

I don't care if your bra has spell check, it's still going through your father.

Oh, Abby, you're still here.

- (Cell phone notification) - Ooh. Graham invited me

to a public-domain karaoke contest at Manion's tonight.

You're doing a contest?

Have I got the bra for you.

- What? - You have got to try my lucky bra.

I don't need a lucky bra.

I already have lucky boobs.

You know, in some cultures,

they breastfeed you till you're 12.

What? I'm from here.

No, you have to wear it. I'm not taking no for an answer.

You are going to be the karaoke queen.

- This is completely unnecessary. - Wow!

- They make this look easier in the movies. - Ok, you know what? Fine.

I really need to see the press release before it goes...

uh, um...

W-w-what are you doing?

I'm just giving Abby my bra, just taking it off for her.

Oh, oh, that... Well, that's, uh, that...

Why did I come out here? Um... You know, it doesn't matter.

You know, just do whatever you're doing.

You know what, I'm gonna go home.

Gordon. You know, the workday actually ends at 5 o'clock.

It's now 5:01. You should have been gone over an hour ago.

I would have, but I'm having my family over

for a chair-warming party.

Shall I bring my 7-layer salad? Or, ooh, ambrosia?

Sorry, it's just gonna be me, my mom, my sister,

and maybe my dad,

just so I can prove to him that I have a chair.

Well, if you're having this party here,

you can't force me to leave. In fact,

I'm not going anywhere.

- Okie dokie. - (Beep)

Oh... That thing vibrates?

I finally know what a paint can feels like.

Faster...

Beautiful dreamer

- Abby, there you are. - Hi, Steph.

I need my lucky bra back.

My new client Tim Christie's stock just took a nosedive.

I need to fix this, and I cannot do it without my lucky bra, so could you just

- give it to me, please? - Whoa! Hey! I don't have it.

(Gasp) Oh, my God.

Did you lose my lucky bra?

No. I just didn't want it, so I left it in your desk.

Are you insane?

Did you at least leave the drawer open so it could breathe?

Just when you thought they couldn't get any faster or furiouser.

Bam, there it is. Faster!

And furiouser! This is amazing!

Tonight, action movies and drinking.

Tomorrow, batting cages and drinking. The day after that...

(Both): Drinking and drinking.

This is amazing. I'm living the dream.

Wait, doesn't your dream include your husband?

Yeah, sure. But first we have our fun,

then me and Graham have our fun, if you know what I mean.

Man-on-man scrabble?

Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me

Hello, men! Nelson,

I love your husband.

And we are watching a movie.

We just went to this public-domain karaoke contest.

Listen, listen. They call it "Kara-hokey".

You and Graham did karaoke?

- That's kind of weird. - Why is that weird? You hate karaoke.

No, I do, and I'm glad you guys went,

but it's kind of our thing... Our thing that I hate, but still our thing.

My thing is watching Vin Diesel try to act and drive

at the same time. Spoiler alert: He can't.

So, how did he ask you to go to karaoke?

Well, he texted me this morning,

and he told me to bring my singing shoes, and I did,

and we did, and it was awesome.

- (Ringtone) - Oh, that's Graham's ring.

Oh, you and Graham have a ring now?

Well, you know, me and Graham have a ring too.

It's on our fingers! Guys,

Vin Diesel just tried to cry. Spoiler alert: He cannot.

(She laughs.) Oh, he is so funny.

You gotta see this cat gif he sent me.

Oh, God, that means I'm gonna get one of those stupid things.

- Do you want to see it? - No, I will see it

when my husband sends it to me because my husband loves me.

Are you sure? Because this one is really adorable.

- Rawr! - Grumpy cat!

Aw! Ten-car pileup. High 5.

Good night, men.

What?

Abby's stealing my cat gifs!

And my man!

You want to talk, don't you?

Gordon.

Gordon.

Gordon!

Bryce. I was just dreaming about you.

You were in the rainforest, going, "Gordon! Gordon! Gordon!"

You know, you didn't have to stay in the chair all night.

I left at midnight when your family started playing spin the bottle.

And you missed my mom tucking me in.

Hmm. (Beep)

- (Whale calls) - Mm, I like whales.

- (Beep) - Ok, that's it. You are getting

- out of that chair right now! - Come on!

- I've waited all night! - Five more minutes.

- It's my turn! - Good morning, Bryce. Morning, Gordon.

Sir, Gordon is currently assaulting me.

Only because you currently assaulted me first.

Look, I don't know what this is, but I think

I've stood here long enough pretending to care.

Besides, I have to clean up my daughter's mess.

Sometimes I think she's doing it deliberately just 'cause

I neglected her for her entire childhood.

I'll have that chair.

You can have this chair

when you pry it from my cold, dead ass.

Well, my marriage is over.

It's been 10 hours, and not one cat gif.

No matter whatever was happening between us, he would always

send me pictures of cats. I blame Abby.

Oh, yes, how dare she actually entertain the man she was hired to entertain.

You don't get it.

Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a man.

It's God's will!

Not a man and a man and a woman who takes the man to things

the other man doesn't like. That's not in the Bible!

I don't know. You might want to go back and reread Leviticus.

Ah, I should have never opened the door

to that little home wrecker, that little jezebel,

little Angelina Jolie.

Angelina Jolie is a national treasure.

You gotta let this one go.

Really? And let my marriage die?

Yeah, no.

That's why I'm gonna stake out Graham and Abby

and destroy their beautiful little platonic friendship.

- Thanks for the advice, Beckett. - Wait.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want credit for this!

I cannot believe I let that press release go out without reading it.

- Oh, don't blame yourself, dad. - I don't.

I never do. That's the fun of being me.

I can fix this. I just need to find my lucky bra.

I don't know where the hell she put it!

Sweetie. Sweetie, please, stop, stop, stop.

All this stuff about your lucky bra, it's crazy.

Super crazy.

Court-order-committed crazy.

I just need you to buckle down and do the work necessary

to solve this problem, all right?

Without the aid of a lucky bra or any other fortuitous

undergarment that you may have that I don't want to hear about.

Yeah, you're right.

This whole lucky bra thing is crazy.

Yes, it is.

Why wasn't I born with lucky boobs like Abby?

Probably because your mom smoked when she was pregnant.

Fresh-baked muffins?

Half a cup of bacon fat in every one.

Aww. What happened to the other half a cup?

Of course, you will have to get out of that chair

to step over the beam I just nailed into the floor.

I don't know what's more insulting:

That you'd underestimate me, or the chair.

Where did you get that?!

Came with the chair.

Ah, well, well, well.

If it isn't Sherlock homo.

How was your little stakeout?

It was a disaster. You know they went to the bookstore?

Then they went to High Tea.

And then they actually went to an art gallery.

- No. - Yeah, they had a lovely day.

- Well, it could have been your lovely day. - No, it couldn't have.

I hate all those things.

But that's what a relationship is:

Doing things you hate with someone you love.

And you call yourself a writer.

Look, if you want to solve this problem you think you have,

- make an effort. - (Cell phone notification)

Might not have to. This could be my cat gif.

Aw, come on, ma. I know you love me!

Ok, so, how does this "doing things you hate

for someone you love" scam work exactly?

How would I know? I'm a selfish ass.

Well, no, no. No, actually, that was just a typo.

No, we do... we do public relations.

Yeah, no, no, we...

No, we don't do any waxing of any kind.

Well... well, good luck to you.

- Bye. - Stephanie! Stephanie! Stephanie!

Well, I'm going to assume either you have solved our problem

or you are possessed by Bob Fosse.

Christie crisis averted.

Oh, that's great. I mean, how did you do it?

Don't tell me you got him to pay a living wage.

(She laughs.) No, don't be ridiculous.

I did, however, convince him to give all his employees free phones

and issue a public statement saying that

those who build the technology benefit from the technology.

And a bunch of crap like that.

Oh, well, then... Stephanie! Stephanie! Stephanie!

I'm so proud of you. So, you don't want to disown me, then?

Oh, I'd never disown you. It's so much paperwork.

Besides, you know what?

We're all gonna screw up now and again.

What's important is how you bounce back.

Well, speaking of bouncing back, I did it lucky braless.

Please stop saying things like that to me.

And I knew that you could.

And that is why I...

Stole this from your desk last night.

I can't believe I had so much faith in magical underwear.

I mean, what am I, a mormon?

Well, don't beat yourself up over it too much.

You know, when I was your age, I had a pair of lucky underwear.

You did? Did they work?

Well, I was wearing them the night I met your mother,

and that led to you. That was pretty good luck.

But then I was stuck with your mother, so I had them burned by a shaman.

Meeeeeee!

- (Applause) - Wooohoo!

We have a runaway winner: Graham Chittister!

(Woman): That was so good. That was so good.

He has a voice to shame God and all of his creation.

Good job, man.

- This contest is not over. - Uh, yes, it is.

We only have one trophy.

Abby, I know I gave you my man,

but I'm here to take him back.

I just hope it's not too late. I should go apologize.

No! This is gonna be way more fun.

Let me call you sweetheart

I'm in love with you

let me hear you whisper

that you love me too

I told him to do something he hated, not something we'd all hate.

Keep the love light glowing

In your eyes so blue

originally, this song had a melody.

- New phone? - Came with the chair.

Keep the love light glowing

In your eyes so blue

If I had known this was how it was all going to end,

I would never have gone out with you.

Let me call you sweetheart

I'm in love with you

- It's over. - Bravo.

What do you say, Graham? Will you let me call you sweetheart?

(Cell phone notification)

(He chuckles.)

Aw, that's the cutest kitty ever.

Thanks, Graham.

Wait.

Why aren't you in the chair?

I was starting to get pleasure from keeping you out of the chair,

and that's not how the chair would've wanted it.

You booby trapped it, didn't you?

- I wouldn't do that. - Why not? I would.

How about if I sit in it, and you sit on my lap.

If there's any booby traps, they'll get me first.

Ok.

But this better feel as good as you say it does.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Are you kidding?

Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for this?

Well, in that case,

let's kick it up a notch.

- (Chair vibrating) - Ah.

Ah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It really feels good.

Good night, Gordon! Good night, Bryce!

Oh, and, Bryce,

could I get an up-to-date list of who is gay around here?

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