Original subtitles

- (knocking) - Come in.

Dave, you wanted to see me?

Yes. Beckett, are you familiar with the author Harper Thomas?

My literary hero? He's the reason I wanted to become a writer.

I've read Gutter Alley a hundred times. I keep a copy in my desk.

Well, I keep my copy, and then I keep 2 copies that bookend that copy.

Still a little unclear. Do you know him?

Nobody really knows him.

After his first book came out, he became a total recluse.

No one's seen him in a decade.

Word is he bottles his own urine.

Well...

Beckett Ryan,

- meet Harper Thomas. - (Beckett gasps.)

Hello.

Yeah, Harper is here because his second book

- is about to be released... - (Beckett gasps.)

And he has graciously agreed to do a public reading.

(Beckett gasps.)

And our firm is handling the event and you'll be his personal guide.

And before you hyperventilate, perhaps Harper would like a cup of coffee?

No, he likes tea.

All of us writers know that he likes tea. I'll get it.

- I'll get it. I'll get it. - Ok, go. Ok, good.

I thought I was the socially inept one.

He's not gonna make a big deal

out of me being here, is he? No, no, no, no.

He's aware that you're a very private man and he's a professional.

HARPER THOMAS IS HERE! HARPER THOMAS IS HERE!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

- I love you. - No!

Harper Thomas is here!

He's tall for a teenage girl.

Fill the lens

With all your friends

Oh now is forever

Come on, fill the lens

With all your friends

- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

Oh! Somebody tagged me on Facebook again.

This better be a cute one.

Nel-SON! Why do you keep tagging me

in ugly photos? It's embarrassing!

Well, you just answered your own question.

That's my thing. I find the worst photos of people,

tag them for sport and then release them back into the wild.

Well, quit it. I can't spend half my day untagging myself in stupid pictures!

Yet, you leave up all the ones of you making that duck face.

Duck face is my go-to!

I don't think you know how bad that actually makes you look.

That's not duck face.

This is.

Sorry, Stephanie, you just don't have the bone structure.

- Oh, hey, Gordon, make yourself comfortable. - Ok!

You know, Gordon, I think you misunderstood me. When I said,

"Make yourself comfortable", I meant: sit in that chair,

listen to me... with pants on.

Oh!

Ok, but you need to be more specific.

I heard from your client, Falafel Zone, today.

They have an assignment for you.

Yeah, now see, they're losing some market share,

so they would like you to come up with a concept

that they can leverage over multiple platforms becau...

They want you to come up with an idea.

Oh, ok.

Hm...

Oh, I think cheese should have handles.

No, an idea about falafel.

Falafels with handles?

Ha! I'm sorry, Dave, that's a bit of a non-starter.

Gordon, I really need you to concentrate.

- And no procrastination. - You know me, Dave,

I don't procrastinate. I have a process.

- Great! Gordon... - Shhh!

Process, Dave.

Process. Shh...

Hate to ask you this, but...

- would you mind signing my book? - No, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, I don't sign autographs.

I consider my words to be a part of my soul,

and I try not to give pieces of my soul away to strangers.

I suppose a lock of your hair is out of the question?

I don't have much hair, so...

- Everywhere? - What?

Yeah, too far.

Hi. You must be Harper Thomas. I'm Stephanie Lyons.

I read your book in college. It's an honour to meet you.

- Can I get your autograph? - Uh, those are just the CliffsNotes.

Are you sure you don't just want his initials?

I loved the gist of your story.

(inaudible words)

Harper doesn't do autographs.

- (inaudible whispering) - Huh. Harper does do autographs.

Oh!

Ok.

Sign there.

- (indistinct whispering) - Ok.

- There you are. - Thank you.

- I will cherish this. - Hey, Duck Face.

You checked your Facebook page lately?

Nelson, if you don't stop tagging me, I will end you!

- Missed me. - You...

I know it looks like I do,

but I don't care that she threw that.

Can I get another? Oh, and some more hot water

- for my fellow writer's tea? - Yeah, because the tip on hot water is huge.

So, where have you been hiding the last 10 years?

Inside my house...

- writing this. - (Beckett gasps.)

That's the last one, promise.

I wrote a page a week for 10 years.

It's like being the first person to see the Holy Grail.

Yes, it is.

- May I? - No no no no.

I'm not allowed to let anyone read it until it's released.

- I know. I only wanted to smell it. - Nope.

Touch it?

Ok.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Alright, sorry.

Sorry. I can't wait for your reading.

You know, it sold out in about 10 minutes.

Did you say

s... s... sold out?

You have a huge cult following. I'm surprised you didn't know that.

I've been living in isolation for a decade. I stopped receiving faxes 8 years ago.

Thank you.

I thought you didn't drink.

And I thought I'd be reading to 5 elderly people

on a break from a mall walk! Excuse me.

Oops! Oh! Oh!

Hmm. Hey, it's fine,

I'll drink it from the tray.

I like it when my cat goes...

* I like it when my cat goes... * * Woof, woof! *

* I like it when my cat goes. *

* I like it when my cat goes... * Ah-ah-ah-ah *

(voice sped up)

(voice slowed down) * I like it when my cat goes... *

Gordon, what the hell are you doing!?

I'm looping. It's part of the process.

And what does this have to do with Falafel Zone?

I think that's pretty clear, Dave. Nothing.

You know, Gordon,

a client comes to us 'cause they need something.

If we don't provide that something that they need,

then I may have to take drastic action.

You're not going to quit, are you?

No, I'm not going to quit!

But if you keep this up, I may have to f-f-fire you!

- F-f-fire you! - Oh, Gordon!

Phat beats, Dave.

Woof, woof! Woof, woof!

* I like it when my cat goes. * * Woof, woof! Woof, woof! *

(laughing hysterically)

- Harper... - Hey, Bobcat!

Beckett.

Heh, heh! I miss us, man.

Hey, I have a great idea. We should fight.

- Oh... - We should have a fight.

What we got over here? A little worm?

HEY! I'm a friend!

Oh, this is fun. This is great.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, I read your book.

(laughing) My what!?

You know, that thing you spent the last 10 years of your life writing?

Get out of here, man.

No, look, I'm telling you,

I got the same feeling reading that one as I did the first one.

It's like a sequel that doesn't disappoint.

What?

- Congrats, man. - I just wasted

10 years of my life writing the same book 2 times!

- What? - I am a failure...

and a hack. And that book can never be released.

No. No, no. I never said that. When did I say that? I didn't say that!

Well, you didn't not say that.

Only my best friend...

could serve me up truth salad.

Truth salad

with croutons of insight.

No, no.

I WANT TO BE ALONE!

Harper... Oh no, that's not a good idea.

Harper, Harper, wait!

Hold my faxes.

No, no, no,

no, no, no. You did not post a Vine of me trying to swallow my vitamins!

Well, it's up for Vine of the day.

I'm gonna make you a star! A blinking, swallowing star!

- Ugh! - Face it. You're just not photogenic.

Yes, I am! Take a picture of me right now.

Dammit! What happened to my neck?

You know, Nelson, two can play at this game.

Oh, I don't think so. See, I have a facial recognition app.

It detects and deletes any unflattering images of me.

It's the same technology that has the world fooled

into thinking that George Clooney is still attractive.

Wow!

I know, it's pretty smart, huh?

Also, I had my parents sign waivers,

and if they upload anything without my approval, I own their house.

Oh, hi, Dave... listen, I went to every bar in town...

everyone says "hi"... but I couldn't find him.

Where would he be headed? I think...

Oh, you want me beheaded.

Is that a Bobcat?

Ha, ha, ha! Yes, I was just messing with you.

Like I do...

Ok, I'll see you tomorrow.

- Harper? Are you alright? - I'm fine, man.

How did you get in here?

And why are you wearing my roommate's robe?

Oh, my God, what did you do to Abby?

Awww, it's my Bobcat!

- There she is! - Wait a minute...

Did you guys... ?

I had to. She is my muse.

- You know me and writers. - All too well.

Oh! Tell him about your new book idea.

The new book? What about the book that took you 10 years to write?

Come on, man, stop worrying!

This guy is always worrying about stuff.

- Because you're such a worrier! - Alright!

I'm already started! Do you have any idea how fast

you can write when you're too drunk to obsess over

every sentence or remember to put in punctuation?

- Yeah. - It's about a werewolf and a vampire.

They're together, that's the hook. Boom!

- Do you guys mind if I crash here? - Yeah, for sure,

but can you sleep with Beckett? You just cuddle way too much.

Looks like we're gonna be bedmates!

But I should warn you:

- I'm a sleep puncher. - Oh...

- Oh! Ok. - AH!

(laughing)

(He snores.)

Oh! (Harper grunting)

I hurt everywhere.

I can feel my blood scraping trough my veins.

You're not just a good sleep puncher...

you're also good at trying to stick my bedside lamp

in places it does not belong.

- Yeah, sit down. - Yeah.

(heavy sigh) Easy.

(He snores.)

How does he do that?

Is he dead?

- No. - Alright, we'll wheel him into my office

and keep him there until it's time for the reading.

He's not going to be reading his second book.

Oh, why not?

Because he wrote... this.

What the hell happened!? I thought you idolized this man.

Is there some reason you're trying to murder him and our company's reputation?

Look, Dave, trust me. I've got this handled, alright?

I'm not gonna let anything happen to Harper.

(Harper groaning) Let's get cr?pes.

- Ta! Ta! Ta! Ta! Shh... - Oh...

- How's Harper? - He's sleeping like a little baby.

I held a sleeping baby once.

But then the mall security made me give it back.

(in a low voice): Get out of here!

Congratulations! Your duck face has gone viral.

Well... tag, you're it!

Beckett gave me your high school yearbook.

(sigh) Do I look worried?

No? You should. Your mustache looks like it has a mullet!

That's the janitor.

A bit racist.

Besides, you can look all you want, you're not going to find anything.

That's the whole reason that I was yearbook editor:

to make sure that this day would never arrive.

Hey! Could you two keep it down?

Harper is trying to sleep.

He's punching like a little angel.

Great news! I cured my hangover!

- By getting drunk? - No! No, no, no, no, no...

By getting obliterated!

I used this... to finish this.

Harper, you're feeling better?

The best, Dave!

Thanks to your boy here.

Well... give my boy a raise. (laughs)

- Oh and I drank the rest of your liquor. - Oh, there goes that raise!

- And I'm not releasing my book. - And why don't you clean out your desk?

Instead, I will be previewing

my new-new book at the bar-bar. Bar...

It's about vampires

and wait for it...

(He snores.)

werewolves!

I've created a new genre.

If he extends the life of that genre,

I will destroy everything that you hold dear.

Yep, fair enough!

I'd like to give a shout out to all my muses in the audience tonight.

- My sex buddy, Abby. - That's me!

- My working girl, Stephanie. - (delighted exclamation)

- And the best PR man in the business, Bobcat. - It's me.

Tonight, I will be reading from my new book...

The Vampire Who Loved a Werewolf...

a Lot.

Chapter one.

(howling)

Chapter two.

"Their coming together was perfect.

He would not be able to go out into the daytime...

because he's a vampire...

and she preferred it,

to make love underneath the full moon."

Harper, you have to stop. You're making a fool out of yourself.

- Shut up. Sit down. - Ok. 10-4.

"And she woke up,

because it was all... a dream."

(inaudible words)

Man, what a twist! So none of that even happened?

(camera click)

Harper, you can't release that.

Come on, you're just jealous

because I'm a real writer and you're stuck working in PR.

- I like my job. - (Harper chuckles.)

Good! Because you're gonna be stuck doing it for a long time.

Oh, hey, hey, Bobcat! I have an idea, let's have a fight.

Let's fight each other. I'm not fighting you.

Ok, cool. Oh, by the way, I read your book.

Yeah, yeah... it's middling at best.

Alright, well... now, we're saying things we don't mean...

And writing things that aren't good.

Ok, yeah. You know what?

I see what you're doing, and there's nothing you can say

- that is gonna make me fight you. - Fight! Fight! Fight him! Fight! Fight! Fight!

- Boys, maybe we should calm down. We're all friends here. - Yeah, we're all grown-ups.

Ok, alright, alright, alright. No fight. Ok?

- Just play a game instead. Duck, Duck, Goose! - (Stephanie gasps.)

- Hey! - Ah! What did you do that for?

- Sorry, I didn't mean... I wasn't... Sorry. - No, no, it's my fault, I'm...

- Truce, ok? - Yeah.

Alright.

"Hey! My name's Bobcat,

- and I like my job!" - I kind of like my job.

(Harper laughing mockingly)

I'm the greatest novelist of the 21st century!

(howling)

(telephone ringing)

Gordon, that's Falafel Zone calling.

- I'm not ready. - They're calling to hear

- your idea, you better be ready. - I'm not ready!

- You have to be ready, Gordon. Gordon, just answer the phone. - I can't. My mouth is full.

- Answer the phone, Gordon. - I don't know how!

I am not answering your phone, Gordon. I am not answering your phone! I am not answering

- the damn phone! Alright! - I'm not answering. NOOO!

DLPR. Dave Lyons speaking, for some reason.

Yes, you're calling for Gordon. Yes, I understand,

you want to hear his ideas. Well, hold on just one second.

- Gordon, take it. - No! No! I got NOTHING!

You better come up with something.

No, it's not my fault! I kept having to leave every half hour

to get a new falafel. And you keep stifling my process.

- Gordon! - (Gordon grunts.)

(Gordon sighs.)

It would be so much easier if we could just order them online

and have them deliver to your door, like pizza.

Oooh, in pizza boxes!

Did you hear that?

Yes, I think it's a brilliant idea as well.

No, no, you're right. I am very fortunate

to work with such a...

talented man.

Alright, thanks very much.

Well, Gordon, twice a year, you prove to me

- I'm right for keeping you here. - See you in 6 months, Dave.

Alright. Oh, and Gordon, pants up.

- Oh, come on! - Now!

- Ah, Harper! - Alright, look, I'm here.

But if you're gonna try to turn me back

into that timid turtle of a man, you can just forget it.

Wouldn't think about it. We here at DLPR support our clients,

even if they want to use their world class talent to turn out

- mass market pulp fiction. - Ok. Good, good, good.

Because I'll tell you what. Getting drunk and writing a book

in one day then getting laid sure beats

sitting alone in a room for 10 years.

It sure does. You know, your new book is so different from your first too.

It's so much more... commercial, which is why

you'll be spending the next 2 years of your life doing this!

What the hell is this?

This is your new life. Shopping malls,

- college campuses, book tours... - Hmmm, no, no, no book tours.

Oh yeah! Every night, 1500, 2500-seat venues.

- No, no. I can't do that. - Well, that is the life

of a guy who writes vampire novels.

Something wrong?

No, I'm good.

Harper...

Hey, you could always see through me, Bobcat.

- I'm scared. - Scared of what?

That my second book won't live up to my first.

That perhaps I only have one great novel in me.

Well, I know for a fact that you already have two.

And according to you, I don't even have one.

But I'm not giving up, so you shouldn't either.

Thank you.

Look, uh...

the comment I made about your book...

- Ah, forget it, I know you didn't mean it. - Oh, yes, I did.

But, you know, if you have anything else...

- Really? - Sure.

'Cause it just so happens I've been working on a short story.

It's about a Ukrainian baba who...

It's... it's really more of an outline.

- We can probably expense that. - Oh, really?

Did you have fun hanging out with Harper Thomas this week?

Yeah, but I like hanging out with you guys better.

Yeah, we're pretty good friends. Pretty boy, move it

or we're leaving without you!

Oh, you're just in a bad mood

because you couldn't find a bad picture of me.

Yes, you're right.

There are no bad photos of you in existence.

I looked through Facebook,

Myspace, Tumblr, Instagram,

- YouTube... even tried Linkedln. - Wow! You were desperate.

- Hmm. - Told you.

Hey, by the way,

your grandma is really nice.

My grandma?

- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0