Original subtitles

...and then I kissed him,

and I think I caught him off guard,

because he said I caught him off guard,

and then he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day.

Wow!

Your first bad boy.

So, you gonna go full Russian now

and start rockin' high heels and a floor-length fur

and drinking lots of soup?

Do Russian women drink lots of soup?

I dunno. I've never been anywhere.

Well, I don't think we're gonna date or anything.

I mean, it was hot,

but I don't really think I'm Vlad's type.

Yeah. You're way too vanilla.

He probably made out with some club skank after

just to wash the taste of nerd-mom out of his mouth.

Say what you will but "Nerd Mom" is doing a-okay.

Check the, uh, scoreboard.

Wes? Vlad?

Two guys.

Yeah!

Scoreboard's a'two!

That's a two-ski!

A deuce-a-rooni.

Are you making fun of yourself right now?

No.

♪♪

♪ Keep giving me hope for a better day ♪

♪ Keep giving me love to find a way ♪

♪ Through this heaviness I feel ♪

♪ I just need someone to say everything's okay ♪

♪ Everything's okay ♪

-- Captions by VITAC --

[ Alarm ringing ]

[ Sighs ]

Hey...good morning.

Hey. 'Sup.

Mm. Hey. Paige, could you...

Um...

First of all, you're great. [ Chuckles ]

Second, could you get out of here real quick?

What? Lena and I agreed

that we're not supposed to have overnight guests

in the main house...

Dear God. You people. I know.

I know, I know, but you can go out,

ring the doorbell, come right back in.

Cool offer,

but I think I'm gonna head home.

Okay. But for the record,

that's why I suggested we stay at your place.

Yeah, well, I like to keep my place clean.

And you're messy.

No, I'm not!

No, I have a credit at the Container Store.

They know me there.

You're not literally messy.

I mean, you and your ex-wife and the musical beds?

It's a lot.

Oh, come on. It's totally --

[ Knocking on door ]

Martin?

Oh crap. We're dead. Hide!

No. We're 40.

Eh, Um...

Just a second.

Dad? Can I use your bathroom? Mason's taking forever.

Let's give Daddy a second.

I think his special lady friend is in there.

[ Chuckles ] You see?

Huh? You see what I'm up against here?

Your place, please.

-How about tonight? -I'm in.

♪♪

I'm not doing that.

No, totally, I didn't expect you to.

So, uh, seriously...

[ Exhales sharply ] What -- what's the plan?

Oh.

That door? Okay.

Good. Uh...

Oh...

[ Door closes ]

[ Sighs ]

Look, we fell asleep last night watching TV, okay?

I'm an adult, I'm not gonna apologize --

but obviously, I'm incredibly sorry.

Well, since we're ignoring all the rules

that we mutually agreed upon,

maybe Vlad and I can work inside the house today.

There's virtually no room to spread out in the garage,

and we need a real work surface.

Okay, yeah, I'm open to that,

but will you stay with the kids tonight,

while I go to Paige's house for some privacy?

Oh, yeah, privacy.

That thing that dads love but moms never experience.

Don't widen this.

Fine, I'll watch your kids. But we're working inside.

[ Knocking on door ]

♪♪

Hey, Nathaniel.

Morning, Mr. Dubs. Is Mason Bourne on the premises?

Checking to see if he wants to walk to school together.

Um...

Sorry, bud. He...

He already left.

No problemo.

However, I would love to reconnect.

Could you let him know I came calling?

[ Clicks tongue ] Will do.

Cool. Cool.

Bye.

What are you doing, treating Nathaniel like that, huh?

Shame on you!

You guys went to pre-school together.

Exactly! And he won't let go.

We have nothing in common anymore, okay?

I've been in a relationship, for God's sake.

[ Chuckles ] And this kid still plays with Legos.

May I have him?

Go get your bag. Go. [ Sighs ]

Mason, Nathaniel, he looks up to you.

He looks up to everybody!

He's tiny!

And besides, I'm busy.

There's this girl --

Hazel. Always Hazel.

Someone else.

Whoa!

The spell has been broken!

My man! Who's the lucky lady?

Her name's Bronwyn.

What?!

Bronwyn? You like Bronwyn?

That's hilarious.

Why is it hilarious?

She's, like, the most pretentious girl in our school.

Shut up, Mae.

You're just mad that she got voted lit mag editor over you.

That's only because her dad co-wrote

"Diary of an Underpants Weirdo."

He did? I love those books!

Wow, she must be, like, super talented.

Just 'cause her dad's a good writer

doesn't mean she is.

I'm way more talented.

Hmm.

Lena? Care to weigh in? Hmm?

Who's a better writer,

the Underpants daughter or our girl?

[ Door closes ] I'm sure they're both gifted.

You're not even listening! Just side with me.

I'm sorry! I would need to read both first.

No OJ?

Oh, I'll pick some up after I drop the kids.

Thanks, honey.

You're welcome, honey. [ Smooching ]

[ Smooches ]

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, man, Paige was right.

We are messy.

We are messy as hell.

Lena: She said that?

Guys, in the car. Milo, let's go!

Hey, I'm warning you.

If Bronwyn steps foot in this house,

there's gonna be hell to pay.

[ Chuckles ] Whatever, Mae.

[ Sighs ] Sorry about all that.

What a madhouse.

Hmm.

Should we get started? Sure.

First off, um, what are we?

[ Laughs ]

No, seriously.

Us. What -- what are we?

Do you mean what are we... romantically?

Yeah.

Nothing?

Ahh. Okay.

But, uh...

What, though?

What, what?

The kiss?

Yeah.

I was just trying to prove to you that I was over Martin...

I see.

I mean, I figured it was okay

because you kissed me first to make a point.

And I didn't think you were attracted to me.

I wasn't.

And I thought you were deeply boring.

Like a piece of printer paper.

But then, the kiss was, uh...

[ Clears throat ]

[ Cellphone clicking ] I knew the word.

It was...

Ah, volcanic.

Really? Yeah.

Wow.

I mean, I...

I don't know what to say.

Well, is it possible that we're at the point

where we don't need words anymore?

I don't think so?

Um...

Maybe we should just put a pin in this discussion

and concentrate on the boards for today's meeting.

Absolutely. Very, uh...

Super smart.

So, um, I mocked this up --

I like this color.

What -- What is the soap you're using?

It's so good.

It's scentless.

I'm allergic to scent.

It's...unscented.

So what I'm smelling is...

is just your flesh, huh?

Mm-hmm.

[ Clicks tongue ] So good.

[ School bell rings ]

Hey, Bronwyn.

Um, I was just wondering if you could help me

with my short story.

Since you're such a great writer and all...

Oh, thanks.

It's just in my DNA.

I would share it with you if I could.

Or would I...?

[ Laughs loudly ]

Barf.

So, that's what your brother looks like flirting, huh?

Yeah.

Even grosser than I thought.

I know I'll probably never co-author anything,

but, you know, if you could just take a look

and tell me what you think.

Like a mentor?

Or a...muse?

Interesting.

Mason told me he couldn't hang out today

'cause he had study hall,

but it would appear he just has...hall.

Open your eyes, kid.

You're getting big-timed.

It's so hard for me to be creative at school.

You know, I just... I don't feel fertile here.

Okay then, your place. After school.

Cool! Coo-- Cool.

He's doing it! He's actually inviting her over.

Instead of me?!

Okay, I am almost on the verge

of maybe blocking him on Xbox.

Fine, I won't, just in case he tries to message me.

Please don't tell him I said that.

Seriously, I'll be your slave.

Hey, Nathaniel, got any plans tonight?

You know I don't.

Maya: So he went soft on you?

This is the whole problem with bad boys.

I mean, you -- you want them to get nicer,

and then the second that they warm up,

it's game over. Oh, no.

You're not taking dating advice from this woman, are you?

Gene, go get us more water.

Lemme guess. Tap?

I did not see this coming.

Am I, like, a heartbreaker?

Do I, like, ruin men?

Does that guy want me?

Possibly.

I can't get into another relationship right now.

I have options to explore.

That guy. Wes.

Wes' girlfriend might wanna do stuff with me...

You're not worried at all about torpedoing

this brand-new business partnership with Vlad?

Why would it?

You think he's not gonna wanna work with me

if I don't reciprocate?

I don't know.

Guy caught feelings.

Who knows how he's gonna react?

Me, I'd burn it down.

I'd burn down everything you ever loved.

[ Scoffs ] Don't be silly, Gene!

You've never loved anything.

Tell that to the movie "Dunkirk."

I don't think Vlad would be anything but professional.

I'll just tell him.

After our meeting.

♪♪

Oh, honey, I'm home.

[ Laughs ] Come on in.

Wow!

So, this is you?

This is me.

Mm.

Oh...

There it is. Hmm.

The quiet. Oh, I missed you, quiet.

It's nice, right? Oh, my God, it's so nice.

[ Both chuckle ]

I brought you some wine. Thank you.

[ Cellphone dings ]

My ex is dropping off my son soon.

Oh, so I get to meet your ex.

Uh, no.

He drops him off. He doesn't come in.

Oh, you -- you -- you guys -- you don't speak?

We do sometimes,

just not ever once in the past 12 years. Oh.

Sometimes, if I'm feeling nostalgic,

I give him the finger through the window.

Mm. [ Chuckles ] Good one.

[ Door opens ]

Hey, Mom.

Cool Hand Luke!

Ah! Hey, buddy!

Did you have a good day at sch--

Whoa!

He has a tattoo.

-Yeah, it's his body. -Is it?

Dad said he needs me on Thanksgiving this year.

What? He had you last year.

He said you can have my birthday.

Yeah! I'll bet he did.

Tell him that he still has to split the party with me.

I will.

Love you.

Love you!

Wow.

So he's, like, self-sufficient.

You say that like it's a bad thing --

He just seems so mature.

Thank you.

Hardened.

Like a war vet...

Luke's doing great.

Don't worry.

Yeah?

What about you, hmm?

You gonna spend Thanksgiving all by yourself again?

I eat with friends.

And we get loaded.

We go out for Brazilian buffet.

It's pretty awesome.

Yeah.

Look, my divorce works for me.

I get the best of both worlds.

I get one-on-one time with my son,

and then when he's with his dad,

I get plenty of time for myself.

Hey, Mom, is it cool if I sleep over at Matty's tonight?

You've been gone all week! She barely got to see you!

It's fine.

Arcade Fire, this weekend -- Are we still on?

-Still on. -[ Chuckles ]

Excuse me, mister. Are you forgetting something?

Oh, right.

♪♪

-Here's your check. -Thank you.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Are we chargin' this kid rent?

Hmm? Because he's barely here.

It's child support. From my dad.

Oh.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

Oh, crap.

[ Cellphone clicks ]

Martin? Everything okay?

Martin: Yeah, yeah, everything's okay.

I, uh...

I just wanted to hear your voice.

I-I mean, I just wanted to say...

[ Clears throat ]

You're a good mom.

I...I just --

I like the kind of mom you are, is all.

So, thank you.

For being that way.

Are you dying?

No, not yet. [ Chuckles ]

But I did come home early.

And, uh, I'm not gonna be going out tonight after all, so...

I'll see you when you get here?

Uh, yeah, I'm just --

I'm just walking into a meeting,

and I'll be home right after.

Ah, cool, cool.

Cool. Yeah, I'm, uh...

I'm here.

Hey, uh, if you're interested,

there's some chili in the freezer.

Thanks, yeah.

I'm interested.

I feel the story inside me, clawing to get out,

but I don't know how to open the door for it.

Yeah.

Maybe it shouldn't just be about a hill.

What if you try putting some people in there?

Okay.

See? It's already getting better.

You're amazing.

Are you guys falling in love?

Dude, don't you have something you want to go do?

Yes, I'm doing it.

Just pretend he's not here.

[ Shrill laughter in distance ]

Is that your sister laughing?

That's not my sister.

[ Laughing continues ]

[ Laughs ]

You're pathetic, Mae.

You seriously invited him over here

just to get back at me for Bronwyn?

We're hanging out, Mason. Ever heard of it?

You should try it sometime.

With me.

You're obsessed with me.

Your ego is out of control.

Oh, then he and Bronwyn are perfect for each other.

What did I do?

It's more of what you didn't do,

which is co-author "Diary of an Underpants Weirdo"!

It's inspired by me!

[ Book thuds ] Whoops!

Just dropped the instructions for my 500-piece

special-anniversary edition Justice League set.

[ Sighs ] Milo, I'm never going to play Lego with you.

Just give it up.

Same, dude! Same!

All right, you're ridiculous, huh?

Let's just put that as a fact. I'm being ridiculous?

Yes! You invited him over here just because I invited her over here.

Can we just agree that everybody here is being ridiculous? You invited Bronwyn, okay?

Why can't you just... I'm not the one who's --

...because it's classic and traditional, okay? I'm the one who's not getting --

[ Echoing ] Hellew, hellew?

There! You heard it?

Hellew --

There's an echo.

Hello.

No, no. It's hellew, hellew --

Okay, wait just a second. If you stop doing it --

If I stop doing it, you won't hear it.

Right!

The client's always right.

How about this.

We bring in some textiles,

all in keeping with your Grecian motif.

Maybe some key pattern rugs, wall tapestries,

silk window treatments, all very regal, all very grand,

all of which will absorb the "hellews"...

So cute.

I'm sorry. You're just...so cute.

[ Chuckles ]

I would also love to incorporate

some oversized light fixtures

just to accentuate the grandeur of the space.

She's just so cute, right?

You know, when I first met her,

even the sound of her voice was grating.

But now, it's like...

[ Sighs ]

I just can't get enough.

Vlad, this is not the image that we want to project.

What do you mean?

A sexy couple that makes houses and love?

That's everybody's dream, no?

And maybe even possibly a basic cable show.

Look at her face, huh?

She's in.

♪♪

[ Indistinct yelling ]

One at a time. One at a time.

Mason --

Listen to me! It should matter when I yell!

It should matter when I yell!!

How come none of you are listening to me?!

It should matter when -- Kids!

Thank God you're home.

Everyone take a deep breath.

[ Everyone breathes deeply ]

Okay, we're going to sit down

and discuss this calmly

over some instant cocoa.

Who wants marshmallows?

Martin: [ Excitedly ] Marshmallows, please!

[ Coolly ] Marshmallows.

Lena: Mae, I understand

that you think Bronwyn can be a lot,

but here's the thing -- so can you.

You two have a lot in common.

She and Mason are gonna be hanging out,

so try to be accepting.

And, Mason, if you don't want to hang out with Nathaniel,

you got to be up front with him.

I don't want to hang out with you.

And, Nathaniel, you need to stop being so thirsty.

It's not helping the cause, buddy.

I'll be friends with you!

Milo, what did your father just say about being thirsty?

Relationships only work if both people are into them.

Okay, If one isn't,

it doesn't matter how much the other one is.

Where are you on Ninjago?

I'd say I'm Ninjago-curious.

We'll talk. Yes!

Well, there you go! Everyone good?

I guess. Yeah. Okay.

-Okay, good. Meeting adjourned. -Let's go.

[ Sighs ]

[ Martin chuckles ]

[ Sighs ] What are you gonna do?

We're messy.

Yeah.

You know what?

I don't mind.

I'll take it over the alternative any day.

Really?

Really.

I think we're doing something right, here.

I can't imagine not being able to see the kids every day

or not being able to talk to you just because we aren't...

So are you saying you don't want to sell the house anymore?

I'm saying that I can't imagine being divorced

without you guys.

[ Laughs ]

[ Screams ]

[ Both laugh ]

Well, in that case...

I'm gonna fire our contractor.

You are? Over what?

He fell for me.

Vlad? Stop it.

He fell hard, bro.

Wait. Y-You're kidding.

You're kidding.

You're not kidding?

I'm a man-eater! What can I say?

What's gonna happen to your joint business venture?

Well, based on how intoxicating my flesh is,

I don't think he can work with me.

I mean, I don't think he can be

in the same vicinity as me. Okay, wait a minute.

So, I'm just gonna have to go at it solo.

Wait a minute. I-I -- We --

We need to get another packet of hot chocolate to talk about this.

Come on.

Did you guys kiss? Oh, yeah.

You did?!

And he's not gonna easily forget me.

Ugh! Disgusting. That's all I'm saying.

Did you make love to him?

Vlad: I owe you an apology.

Oh! Dude!

You scared me.

Yeah, well, I scared myself.

Very unlike me.

I fell for your ex-wife.

She told you?

She mentioned something, yeah.

Well, she just broke it off.

Me working for you, her working with me.

The whole thing.

Women... Yeah. Women.

Do you, uh...

Do you think you can put in a good word for me?

That's a weird ask.

I'll give you this necklace in return.

No, uh... Vlad, that's really...

Whoa! That is badass.

I mean, is the chain the snake? Yep.

Why is this thing not on me right now?

Huh? [ Chuckles ]

Nope, it's too weird.

Sorry.

Well...

I gave it my best necklace.

I don't know what else I can do.

Nothing, Vlad, there's nothing you can do. Okay?

And trust me, it's a good thing.

I mean, l-l-look at me, sucked in, can't get out.

Firmly under her thumb.

And yet you are smiling.

[ Scoffs ] It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

I hate Stockholm.

Exactly.

Be free.

Go live your life, man.

♪♪

50 bucks for the necklace?

Okay don't move, I'm gonna get my wallet.

♪♪

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