All language subtitles for Spaced s02e05.eng

- What ?
- You know what.

I do not know what.

Take a wild guess.

Um... It...

Is it because I sang the music
from the Kia-Ora advert ?

I remember that.
It's too orangey for crows

You think this is funny ?

No.

I guarantee in about three minutes
you will definitely not be laughing.

Look, boys, if you think
I am gonna stand by

and let you beat up my friend,
you've got another thing coming.

Oh, we're gonna beat you up, too.

OK.

What do you think we should do ?

Let 'em have it.

Vegetables, a lot of people
are scared of them.

Take potato,
a lot of people would peel it,

a lot of people would cube it.

I don't like to, I just like to
put it down, bang, two halves.

In the pan, potato stew,
it's a bit simple,

it's a bit sexy.

- Mike, how sexy am I ?
- Ooh, very.

- In a salad...
- Daisy.

...in a sausage sandwich,

- with a cup of tea...
- Daisy.

How sexy am I ?

Very. You look good.

Really. Good. You look nice.

You don't want to look
like you've made

too much of an effort,
you know what I mean ?

I'll change my shirt.

This, my friend, is gonna
be one of the all-time great

- chicken stew, d'you know why ?
- No.

Because of this.

Oregano.

Or oregano to you.

'I got it from
a wise old herb merchant

'on one of my many travels.'

This is the good shit.

Woo, mama !

- Hello.
- Hi, is that Daisy ?

- Yeah.
- 'Hi, it's Sophie.'

- Oh, hi.
- Nice to speak to you finally,

- Tim's told me all about you.
- Has he ? What did he say ?

Oh, you know, the usual.

What sort of thing ?
You know, specifically ?

Well... that... you're friends,

you share a flat,

and your name's Daisy.

Oh, right.

Is Tim there ?

Oh, yes. Yes. He's just
getting his clothes on.

- It's Sophie.
- Oh, cheers.

Hello.

- Hey, how are you ?
- 'Good.'

Good. Had a nice time last night.

'Me, too. What are you up to ? '

You know,
just making myself beautiful.

Listen,

Bisley,
I can't come out tonight.

- Damien's got me working late.
- Really ?

There's been a misprint on the
cover of one of the new issues.

- 'Which one ? '
- Total Cult.

- Well, Ok. Fine, fine.
- 'We can do it another night.'

We can do it next week.

How do you mean, do it ?

You'll find out next week.

OK.

Bye, Bisley.

Bye.

I can't believe she's
sleeping with her boss !

- You what ?
- This is how it starts.

It's excuses !
Oh, I've got to work late.

A presentation, I've got to speak
to the New York office,

they're five hours behind.

I can't come round because
I've had ever such a long day.

It's me and Sarah.
It's Milly and Egg.

It's textbook. 0w.

What'd you do that for ?

Well, you said to me that every time
you suffered emotional paranoia

as a result of your break-up
with Sarah,

I was to slap you round the face.

Yes, I did say that. Thank you.

We could go out.

What, you and me ?

Yeah.

What about your stew ?

It's finished.
I've just got to let it simmer.

I don't know, Daisy.

Come on, it'd be fun.

What else are you gonna do ?

Ok, then.

Great.

- Who is it ?
- Brian.

Do you wanna come in ?

Thought you were going out.

Twist's in a mood.

Ooh, what a surprise.
An unreliable girlfriend.

- What's the matter with her ?
- I don't know.

- She didn't really specify.
- That's right. You've got to guess.

Must be strange being a woman.

- All that power.
- You what ?

They are the true creators,

because all men do is destroy things.

Yeah.

They are the true children of nature.
Gaia's foot soldiers.

- They look like us.
- Speak for yourself.

Two arms, two legs.

Two faces.

There's so much more
to it than that.

If a group of women
spend enough time together,

their menstrual cycles synchronise.

- Men have got that, too.
- Mike.

No, no. Men have got
an unspoken telepathy.

A biological connection
between male psyches.

Whether they know each other
or not, put a group together,

- always the same.
- What d'you mean ?

Shall we show him ?

Mike, I really am not...

- Oooooh.
- Oh, shit.

- Boom.
- Phuuuuuu.

Tits.

- Bang.
- Prrrrrrrrrrrr.

Trrrr.

Phat phat.

Phat.

- Brrrrrrrrr.
- Brrrrrrrrrr.

Trrrrrrrrr.

- You ready ?
- Yeah.

- Manoeuvres tonight ?
- Reconnaissance.

- Tanks ?
- Tim, I've learnt me lesson.

- Oh, yeah ?
- I'm not gonna steal another tank.

- Right.
- What time are you going ?

2100 hours.

- That's 9 o'clock.
- Right.

Would you mind taking Colin
for a walk about eight ?

Hmm ?

- 2000 hours.
- Oh, yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

That's never happened to me before.

- Minicab ?
- No, thanks.

Look after my stuff. You're less
likely to get searched than I am.

- Why ?
- You look like a teacher.

- That's enough of that.
- Sorry, miss.

- What's the plan ?
- Right.

'We get the Tube into Soho

'and go for drinks
in a fashionable gay bar,

'before catching a play
by a hip playwright,

'preferably with a swearword
in the title.

'Then we go to a swinging coffee
house and discuss the play

'before retiring to a jazz bar
to listen to xylophone music

'and talk about life until it's
time to catch the last Tube.'

- What d'you think ?
- I'm gonna go home.

What do you wanna do ?

Right, we get
the Tube into Camden and head

for the nearest
bog-standard indie bar.

'We smoke a fatty boom-batty
on the way

'so we're munted when
we order our first drink.

'We stay a few hours,
where, if all goes to plan,

'we'll end up laughing
like a couple of twats.

'We relocate to a high-street pub

'with an eclectic jukebox
and keep drinking until we

'A: Fall over, B: Puke
or C: Fall over and puke.'

I like my idea better.

- You would.
- It's more interesting.

- Toss a coin ?
- Ok.

Two pints of cider.

- And crisps.
- Crisps as well.

- Two packets.
- Two packets.

- And nuts.
- Nuts.

- Honey roast.
- I'm ordering the drinks.

I can't remember what I was
gonna say. Fuck it.

- Two tequila slammers, please.
- Yes !

It's ups and downs.

Like when you're travelling.

More than normal.
Not more ups and downs.

- Do you know what I mean ?
- No.

What did you wanna be
when you were a kid ?

- Monkey.
- A Monkee.

No, Monkey.

- Monkey.
- Yeah, Monkey.

It was great.

- What did you wanna be ?
- Elvis.

That's stupid, he's a bloke.

♪ I don't wanna be a tiger

♪ Cos tigers play too rough ♪

Go on.

Woo.

There's a good little fellow.

Right, off to enjoy
a night of running round

in the dark with a gun.

You've got to stay and be good
for Uncle Michael.

Settle down, relax and get comfy
because you, my friend...

are going nowhere.

Oh, bollocks.

Colin ! Colin.

Colin ! Colin !

Colin. Colin !

Coliiiiiiiin !

I'm glad we decided
to stay in, Twist.

It's so nice here.

Just you and me together.

Been naughty.

- Naughty ?
- I've lost Colin.

- How ?
- He ran off.

- Oh.
- Brian, we've got to find him.

- Probably come back.
- What if he doesn't ?

I've learnt one thing
from the military,

- never leave a man behind.
- He's a dog.

- Or a dog.
- Ok.

Bye, Twist.

- Sophie seems very nice.
- Yeah, she's cool.

Cool, yeah.

She's quite quiet.

You're joking.
She talks more than you do.

- Really ?
- Yeah.

And she's very funny as well.
She really makes me laugh.

Oh well, I'm glad for you.
Really glad. Glad.

- What about you ?
- Glad.

You got someone special ?

No, I think I put men off.

- No.
- No, I do. Trust me.

Hey, come on. Pull my finger !

Look, you're a beautiful,
talented woman.

I'm gonna go to the toilet.
I bet when I come back

some bloke'll be chatting you up.

You having a good night ?

What ?

Are you having a good night ?

Yeah. You ?

Oh, yes.

Listen, you don't know
where I could get me hands

- on some puff ?
- Er, not at the moment.

- Have you got any ?
- A couple of spliffs' worth.

Can I buy it off you ?

No, no. It's for me and my dog.

D'you remember
the Kia-Ora advert with...

♪ It's too orangey for crows ♪

- Brilliant.
- What are you talking about ?

You remember that.

No.

Hi, Dom.
This is Duane Benzie.

'This is Duane Benzie.'

Tim, hi. I didn't expect
to see you here.

You stole my girlfriend.

- Oh, Tim. This is...
- Duane.

Tim, hi.

This isn't the kind of place
I'd expect to find you.

Funny. It's exactly the sort of
place I'd expect to see you.

What's that supposed to mean ?

- You work it out.
- All right, then.

You're Duane. The Duane Duane.

Duane Benzie.

The Duane Benzie that...

Stole my girlfriend.

Well, that depends on
which way you look at it.

I think Tim looks at it that way.

Yes, I do.

So, Tim. How have you been ?
Haven't seen you since...

Yeah, well. No hard feelings, eh ?

You shot me in the bollocks, Tim.

Like I said, no hard feelings.

You're lucky I didn't sue.

- Why didn't you ?
- I'm not a monster, Tim.

Besides, I know you don't have
much in the way of assets.

I... heard you got back
together with Sarah.

She came to her senses.

She not out tonight ?

- No, she's...
- Working late ?

- A presentation.
- Putting in overtime ?

- What's that supposed to mean ?
- You work it out.

Daisy, we're leaving.

Well, nice to meet you, Daisy.

Yeah, yeah. Pull my finger.

Daisy.

At last I will emerge as the victor.

At last I will have revenge.

- Minicab ?
- No thanks.

I'm glad we got out
of there when we did.

That could have got
a little bit nasty.

How about that spliff ?

I told you, we're not selling.

- We're not buying.
- You what ?

Blondie's got something for me,

- ain't you ?
- No.

Yes.
Daisy, give 'em the stuff.

- They're only about 12.
- Look at them.

Woo, mama !

Just what
I've been looking for.

- I cannot believe this.
- Tim.

- I got mugged by the Red Hand Gang.
- Come on.

And my girlfriend's
sleeping with her boss.

She's not sleeping with her boss.
Besides, what if she is ?

Sometimes it pays to be single.
Look at Marsha.

- You know what she told me ?
- What ?

I was gonna be
an 0lympic athlete, you know.

What's that got
to do with anything ?

I'll tell you.

I was a sprinter. A fast one.

Why d'you think
I've got such ace pins ?

They're me souvenirs.

Fork-lightning Klein, they called me.

I was all set for stardom.

Sailed through the districts in '67.

Walked the nationals,

all set to wow the 0lympic Selection
Committee when suddenly, bang.

- You got shot ?
- Might as well have done.

I was coming back
from training one night,

when suddenly this Mini Cooper
comes out of nowhere

and knocks me off my bike.

Next thing I know,
I'm sprawled on the pavement

with this pillock in tight
trousers standing over me

saying, "Oh, sorry love, didn't
see you, I was going too fast.

"I was drunk."

He gives me his bottle
of Jack Daniel's.

"I don't drink," I said.

"Oh, go on, love,
it'll help with the pain."

He was not wrong.

My God.

Fractured me tibia,
fell behind on me training,

eventually lost interest.

What happened to the pillock ?

I married him in '69.

I often wonder
what would have happened

if I hadn't been knocked off my bike.

Where would I be now ?

'Thanks, Des.

'Coming up, the latest from
the Five Nations at Twickenham

'and a report
from the Davis Cup. Tim.'

Thanks. I'm being stupid, I know.

I'm paranoid. I've been hurt.

I keep thinking about
what happened with Sarah.

That is in the history.

Yeah ? That's past.
Stop thinking about Sarah.

Well, I don't.
I don't think about her, really.

I don't miss her. I don't think
what it would have been like

to get married, move into
a nice house in Highgate,

have a couple of kids
and a surround-sound TV.

I don't think about that.
And a studio.

- Thanks.
- You're a winner.

Sod the grass.
You've got good friends.

You've got a good job
and you've got a foxy lady.

I'm the luckiest man in town.

Have a nice night, Tim.

Get on that.

This isn't grass.

- What ?
- It's oregano.

How can you tell ?

I'm a catering student.

Get the car.

Can you make your way out now,
please ?

We should do this more often.

We could have a blowout
for your birthday.

That'd be cool. Hey, here's a plan.

We go home, we watch some telly
and we eat some stew.

Now that's a plan I like.

- Have you got your keys ?
- No.

Shit, I've left mine
in the other pub.

It'll be closing in five minutes.

What ?

You know what.

He who laughs last, laughs longest.

What do you think we should do ?

Let 'em have it.

Ooooh !

(# Samuel Barber:
"Adagio for Strings")

Tim, let's go !

- Minicab ?
- Yes, please.

Step on it !

Come on !

You bloody idiot.

Have you any idea
how much this car cost ?

Why don't you piss off back
to Romford where you belong ?

You little prick.

Eh ? Eh ?

Clever boys.

I'm sorry ! I'm sorry !

Thanks, bye.

I can't believe
you said "step on it".

- Why ?
- I wanted to say it.

D'you think we'll have to
wait here all night ?

No.

I'm cold.

Do you know what
I was saying earlier on ?

About what ?

About being single and that.

I think the thing is just
not to go looking for it, you know ?

I think things happen
when you least expect 'em to.

Yeah ?

Yeah.

- Isn't that your dog ?
- Aren't those your keys ?

Yeah !

I must have had 'em all along.

Come on.

Have you two been taking Colin
out for a midnight stroll ?

Yes.

- Didn't you do reconnaissance ?
- Um, sort of.

Come on, you're
just in time for stew.

Come on, chop chop.

That was a great stew, Daisy.

Think I'll make another one.

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