Original subtitles

(Snores)

- (Food sizzles) - ( There Must Be An Angel)

Morning, darling, I've made you breakfast. Did you sleep all right?

Erm... yeah. Yeah.

I had a really weird dream.

Did you, babe?

I dreamt you chucked me and I moved in with a girl I hardly knew.

- I chucked you? - Yeah.

- As if! - Yeah!

- Aarrghh! - Tim!

(Screams) Shit!

Aarrghh!

(Fly buzzes)

Shit.

Son of a bitch!

( The All Seeing Eye: The Beat Goes On)

- (Sighs) - (Fly buzzes)

Tim? I'm really trying to work.

- What you telling me for? - Well, I...

I can't concentrate with this mess, I think it's time we unpacked.

- I have unpacked. - Have you?

( Organ)

( Organ)

I'm not talking about your room, I'm talking about this room.

This is a shared area, you've got stuff in here too.

But it's under your stuff. Soon as you clear up, I can do the rest.

- I've got work to do. - So you keep saying.

I haven't seen you sit behind that typewriter for longer than two minutes.

- What do you mean? - I mean... I think you're avoiding work.

Oh, really?

(Typewriter bell)

(Sighs) I just think we should draw up some kind of a rota. All right?

- All right. - We need to establish domestic equilibrium.

- OK. - We need to get used to each other.

We don't know each other that well, do we?

(Chuckles)

No.

In the interests of making this cohabitation charade work for us,

we should do everything we can

to try and make day-to-day life as easy and enjoyable as possible.

All right! Look, I'm agreeing with you.

Right. I'll get on with it, then.

- All righty. - OK.

(Sighs) Right.

I'm going to divide it into kitchen, living room and...

Right, then. (Starts typing)

( Tchaikovsky: Piano Concerto No 1)

(Types quickly)

(Snores)

- (Snores) - Hey.

- (Gasps) - It's OK, it's me.

- Gosh. - How's it going?

(Sighs) Fine. How long have I been going?

- Two and a half minutes. - Shit!

- Listen, I've got an idea. - What?

- Something I think you're gonna like. - I've got to be getting on.

It's important, Daisy. Trust me.

Hm. I'm glad we did that.

We had to really.

It was inevitable. I'm just glad we did it sooner rather than later.

I think there would have been a hell of a lot of tension if we'd left it any longer.

You're telling me.

What shall we do now?

I think we should descale the teapot.

- You filthy bitch. - You love it.

(Bones crack) Ah!

(Under breath) Here we go. Here we go.

(Starts typing)

Ooh!

Tim, what are you doing?

We're having a sale on X-Men comics at the shop.

Bilbo wants me to draw a picture of Wolverine slashing prices with his adamantium claws.

- I'm also doing a poster... - All right!

Oh! Oh, my glasses! Where are my glasses?

Oh.

Right. Yes!

Let's have a party! Let's have a house-warming party.

- What? - It'd be great!

I could make invitations out of plastic and tinfoil.

We can invite Marsha and Brian.

- Yeah, all right. When? - Tonight! Let's have it tonight!

Tonight?! That's a bit short notice.

It'll be great, I'll call all my mates, it'll be like Warhol's Factory -

artists, writers, musicians, dossers off the street,

all interacting and relaxing in our pad, the new hub of north London.

The cutting edge! You know?

We could have a glitter ball! I could make one out of tinfoil!

- All right. - Yes!

- But your room's the coat room. - OK.

Get this old thing out the way.

Party, um-by-ay, party, um-by-ay...

If we have it, they will come.

I said yes.

Leave me alone!

Holiday from what? We'd all have a bleedin' holiday, wouldn't we?

Oh, hello. Everything all right?

Teenagers, eh?

She's not a teenager, she's the devil in an A cup!

- (Screaming) - Ooh! (Laughs nervously)

Well, us amiable bunch of 20-somethings, us harmless happy-go-lucky lot,

we're having a party tonight, very small, very quiet.

We wondered if you and Amber wanted to come and throw coleslaw at each other.

She won't come, she's having a party of her own up here tonight.

- You sure you want me there? - Oh, yeah! We'd love it if you came.

Will Brian be there?

I hope so, Tim's just gone to ask him.

- Do you like him? - He's all right.

Good legs.

- Who is it? - Father Christmas.

- Oh, it's you. - Who'd you think it was?

Daisy wants a house-warming party tonight

so she sent me to ask you if you want to come.

- Is Marsha coming? - I don't know, she's gone up to ask her.

What's the deal with you and Marsha?

- You know about the deal? - What?!

I'm busy, Tim, painting a triptych.

- Oh, yeah, what's it called? - Bad Sandwich.

- Really? - Yes.

It's a piece about violence in its immediacy, the instancy of the event,

a synchronic rendering of three explosive, aggressive expressions.

- There'll be girls at the party. - Really?

- Yes. - Mm.

All right, mate?

I don't think we're gonna need any security, it's gonna be very low-key.

Well... Yeah, well, bring one. Bring the Baretta. Yeah.

No, bring the Glock 17, yeah, that's my favourite.

OK, I'll see you later. Bye. Where have you been?

Talking to Marsha. What's a Glock 17?

It's a gun. You've been talking to Marsha for four hours?

Did you know her husband once drummed for Status Quo? Who's bringing a gun?

Mike. Is that what you've been talking about for four hours?

Why is Mike bringing a gun to our party?

Security. Do you think she suspects we're not a couple?

I don't think so. Why do we need security? We're not organising a rave.

It's not that kind of security, it's like a gonk, a troll, a Linus blanket, you know.

Do we still have to hold hands in the corridor?

- Not if you don't want to. - I didn't say that.

We could probably cut down on the fake sex noises.

(They moan and squeal rhythmically)

Shame.

My friend Twist is coming. Oh, you're gonna love her, she's brilliant!

She's brilliant, really intelligent, funny, talented, funny, funny, interesting.

Forget all that. Is she fit?

She ran half a marathon for Fashion Aid.

Have you managed to rustle up any media types?

- Oh, yeah. - Who?

- The paperboy. - Smooth.

What about you?

What with the Skaterama at the East Finchley Uberbowl

and the Tripods convention in Swindon, most of my friends are otherwise engaged.

Don't worry, Tim, it's gonna be great.

I'm just gonna go and try on a few outfits.

(Phone rings)

- Hello? - Oh, hi. Is Daisy there, please?

Hang on, she's just getting her clothes on. Daisy! It's your boyfriend!

Shh! Hi, Richard.

- What did he mean by that? - 'By what? '

About you getting your clothes on?

We're having a house-warming, I was trying to pick some clothes.

- Oh, I see. - 'How's it going? '

(Rhythmic moaning)

What's that?!

- (He grunts) - Daisy, I can hear sex noise!

Shh! Not now!

( Swinging lounge)

I see it as a tribute

to Christo, the artist.

I see it as a waste

of Baco, the foil.

Party! (Laughs)

OK, whoo! Whoo!

Music. Music! We need warm-up music!

Warm-up music, warm-up music.

Party tape. Here we go.

Hot dog, jumping frog

Alma Cookies

Hot dog, jumping frog

Come on!

Ooh, try not to eat too much, there's quite a lot of people coming. Yeah?

Hey, Brian, do you want some ice?

Come on! Come on! Come and get some ice, go on!

Oh, God, I don't understand this!

I defrosted this earlier. It just eats up electricity and frosts up really quickly.

I put half a Magnum in there this afternoon, I can't get it out now.

- It's almost as if it's... - Self-aware.

Yeah.

(Whistles Daisy, Daisy)

- (Buzzer) - Agh!

- Hi, Mike. - Tim.

- Hello. - Oh, hi. We're looking for the party.

- Er, yeah, well, come on it. - Are you Amber's dad?

(Laughs) It's upstairs.

- You might have missed the puppet show. - Fuck off!

- What did you say? - They said "Fuck off."

I know what they said, Mike!

Little cow. Standing there with her purple hair and her alcopops, giving it all that, "Hello."

Sorry, this is my best friend, Mike.

Hello, Mike. I'm Daisy, nice to meet you.

How you doin'? Sergeant Mike Watts, TA. It's the longest way up, shortest way down.

- Oh, you've brought something? - Yeah, I've got a... land mine.

Oh, right, OK. I'll just put that somewhere safe.

Artist, writer...

- Er, Mike. - You never said Amber was having a party.

- ( Banging techno) - Yeah. We'll show them.

( Prefab Sprout: King Of Rock And Roll)

What is this?! This is rubbish!

We should be listening to firm, young melodies, kicking tunes, thumping bass.

God, I sound so stupid!

(Turns music down)

(Buzzer)

Twist! Hi!

- Oh! - Daisy! Oh!

Don't you look nice? Bit of a midriff show!

- Yeah. - Big's in this season. Good for you.

( Huey Lewis And The News: The Power of Love)

Everyone, this is my friend, Twist.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hey, Twista, what can I getcha?

I shouldn't really drink because of the yeast, but go on, I'll be naughty and have a spritzer.

Is there anywhere I can hang my wrap?

- Daisy's room's the coat room. - Right.

She's great, isn't she? She's great, she's so funny! (Laughs hysterically)

Oh!

So, erm, you two have got separate rooms?

- No. - Yes.

- Yes. - No.

- We had an argument. - We had a fight, Daisy snores.

- I snore! (Laughs) - (Grunts) Like a pig!

- He's like a big sweaty pig! - Ha, you're the pig! I'm not the snoring one.

- (Both laugh) - That's why we sleep separately.

- That's right, yeah. We're not a couple. - Hey! Hey!

(Laughs) Y-you! Funny. That is good.

No, the fact is...

We're not a couple. We lied to get the flat.

- But we really like it here. - We really like it here.

- So, please, whatever you do, don't tell... - Marsha!

- Hello. - Hi!

It's me, the weirdo from upstairs.

Oh!

- Am I late? - (Both) No!

- Hello, Brian. - Hello.

- (Door bangs) - Erm, Twist...

Marsha, this is Twist. She's in fashion.

Er, Marsha's... a landlady.

- Hello. - Hi! Interesting outfit.

Oh, thanks. Thought I'd make an effort.

Mm, yeah. I can really see what you tried to do.

Yeah. Cheers.

(Laughs loudly)

And that's Mike.

Er... and... he's... a Mike.

- Where shall I put me coat? - (Both) Er...?

Don't worry.

I'll put it in Tim and Daisy's room.

( The Magnificent Seven)

(Music stops)

( J Geils Band: Centerfold)

If I was you, I wouldn't care. You look great like that.

You can just eat what you like and you don't care if you get fat.

I wish I didn't have to be so picky.

You can't trust them in that organic-produce shop. It's con after con.

That's it, isn't it? Con after con.

The evil hand of capitalism dons a gardening glove

to take our money in the name of global awareness.

The woman in there has really squinty eyes, stinks of garlic and looks like a turd in a wig.

You'd think with the money she's raking in she could afford a new hairbrush.

A T-shirt or something.

Anyway. It's quite a nice flat.

It'll be better when you've unpacked and cleaned up a little.

This is it, actually.

Tim seems nice and friendly, doesn't he?

Come on, now, Daisy. Stop feeling like a big, fat, ugly failure.

Everything's going to be fine. Hm? Hey?

Good.

So, what do you do, Brian?

- He paints. - Oh, yes? What sort of thing?

Erm...

- Tell her, Brian. - Anger.

- ( Hardcore punk) - Aarrgghh!

Pain.

- ( Screechy violins) - Ow!

Fear.

- ( Eerie chimes) - (Chatters) Ohh.

Aggression.

(Ticking)

I know exactly what you mean.

- Do you? - Yes.

Ooh, Timewarp!

(Mimics) Ooh, Timewarp!

Oh, Timewarp?!

Let's do the Timewarp again!

Jump to the left

- And then a step to the right... - Bloody hell, this party is so rubbish.

- Is it? - You were there.

Providing much-needed door security.

- Any problems? - No.

Sorry. Do you think we're getting old, Mike?

Everyone gets old, Tim. Everyone except my cousin Adam.

What's so special about your cousin Adam?

- He is getting younger. - Bastard. What are we gonna do?

There's nothing we can do, the government know.

Not about Adam! I'm talking about what we're gonna do now!

Wanna go into your party?

They were playing the Timewarp, I hate the Timewarp!

- Daisy likes it. - So what?! I hate it!

It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants

and students with too many posters of Betty Blue, the Blues Brothers and Big Blue

on their blue bloody walls!

- It's just a song. - I don't care! I hate it, I don't wanna hear it!

I don't wanna hear it at a party, least of all a party I'm supposed to be throwing!

Oh, my God, Tim! Control yourself, please.

- ( Don McLean: American Pie) - We're all in, like, the arts and the media.

I'm writing a screenplay at the moment.

Called, erm...

Guacamole, erm, Window.

I think you'd be good for the lead, actually.

- Do you want one? - (Sniggers)

No, I'd better not.

Go on, then, I'll have a half. I'll have a half.

They're mints.

Yeah. I'll have a half... mint.

- Ow! - Go!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Will you stop it?!

I mean it.

I'm sorry you didn't get into the army, Mike, it's not my fault.

- Even if it was, that was a long time ago. - I still remember it, Tim-Tim.

Hey! No time for that now! What we gonna do?

- We could slap each other about a bit more. - I don't feel like it.

We could go to Amber's party.

- What? - Amber, the girl upstairs.

Are you suggesting we crash Amber's party?

I don't know, it'll just be a load of teenage girls.

And that's a good thing!

( Spandau Ballet: True)

Have we got any more booze? We need some more beers.

What you doing?

- Who are you? - I'm the paperboy.

- Daisy, he's got a brace. - I thought it was a piercing.

Urgh! Look, come upstairs, it's brilliant, it's 2.30am, it's just got started.

Oh... I dunno.

- There's things up there you won't believe. - What about the party? What about the dips?

That's what I mean, Daisy, don't you see?

- What? - Dips, the Timewarp, paperboys.

Not many people came but you're having a good time, aren't you?

(Desolate wind whistles)

It's a party! It's just a laugh!

It's not a laugh! It's not even a party.

Daisy, there'll be a time for dips. OK? But this isn't it.

He's right, Daisy.

There's nothing for us here any more.

Join us!

Yes, come on, Daisy.

(AIl) Join us!

All right.

( Dance music)

(Camera clicks)

Look at them. They're all so thin.

Hello.

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