Original subtitles

Why? I don't understand. Is it something I've done?

Look, it's just not gonna work, OK?

Five years, you know? Five years!

I... I was drunk.

Oh, we had fun! You know? We had good times.

To be honest, I don't... remember much about it.

I don't und... Just... Eugh!

Give me a reason! You know?

You think I'm unemotional, don't you? I can be emotional.

Jesus, I cried like a child at the end of Terminator 2.

With the thumb and the molten... You know?

Is there someone else?

- Sort of. - Don't... What!

My boyfriend.

- That bastard! I bloody knew it! - I'm sorry, I really am.

It was just a bit of fun, you know?

It just doesn't feel right. OK?

- Fine. - All right?

Fine.

Look, there's a bit of change.

Sarah, please! Don't do this!

You can leave your stuff here until you find somewhere else.

- I love you! - (Window slams)

( Fatboy Slim: The Weekend Starts Here)

Excuse me. Excuse me! Mind if I sit here?

- Er, no, no. - OK. Thanks.

What you looking for?

What have you got?

Hm?

What have you got?

- No, I mean what are you looking for? - (Laughs)

Sorry, I thought you were a drug dealer.

- Oh, thanks. - That's all right.

- No, I'm flat hunting. - Oh, right.

Yeah. Oh!

I was staying with these mates, well, people I'd met in a squat,

I didn't meet them in a squat, I moved into a squat with them, which was fine...

Are you interested? Anyway,

there was this guy, and I didn't really know, well...

I suppose... no. Really what happened was...

- No, rather than confront, I thought... - Skip to the end.

So, I'm moving out.

I see.

l hate flat-hunting. Yeah. I do not envy you at all.

- Could I borrow that after you? - Yeah.

- Do you mind if I sit here? - Oh, no.

- Any luck? - No. It's early days yet, so...

( Marnl Nixon: Getting to know you)

Getting to know you

Getting to know all about you

Getting to like you

Getting to hope you'll like me

- (Sighs) Hi. - Hi.

- How's it going? - Oh, same as always.

- That bad, huh? - (Sighs)

( Getting to know you)

(Sobs) I can't do this any more!

Now... whoa, there, Pickle.

Every morning I wake up and it's the same.

(Sobs) I buy the paper and I circle them all and I phone them,

only to dlscover they've been taken by a bunch of fucklng psychlc house-hunters!

- You've only looked at a few. - They've all been cold, lnfested rat holes.

l'm ln the same boat, you don't see me cry... (Sobs)

(Both sob alternately)

Hang on... l dldn't see that one.

''Spaclous two-bedroom apartment, fully furnlshed, £90 a week.''

- Oh, ''professlonal couple only''. - (Sobs loudly)

Why?! Why?! Why?!

- You could always pretend. - What do you mean?

Well, have you got any homeless male frlends?

(Clears throat)

Well, l do have one homeless male frlend.

(Laughs nervously)

Who?

OK. You were born ln Hlghgate to John and Gllllan Blsley on 1 7th September, 1 97 4.

Rlght.

Your llttle slster Katle once used all your Batman comlcs to decorate a cardboard car.

Unable to salvage the comlcs, you drove the car lnto a pond,

hlt your head on the fountaln, whlch ls where you got your scar.

You've got a best frlend called Mlke who's a weapons expert.

- (Cat meows) - Yes!

Er... yeah.

You have a potentlally fatal allergy to brazll nuts.

l have no memory of Chrlstmas 1 979.

l've got no memory of Chrlstmas 1 994 elther.

- Oh, why not? - l don't know.

You're an asplrlng graphlc artlst and you hope one day to work for...?

- Dark Star Comlcs. - Dark Star Comlcs.

Work to date lncludes a sleeve deslgn for your slster's boyfrlend's brother's band.

You supplement the 50 quld you got from that by worklng ln a comlc shop, Fantasy Bazaar.

l'm the asslstant manager.

- How many people work for you? - lt's just me and Bllbo.

- Who's Bllbo? - The manager.

- You're not a scl-fl nerd? - No!

You spend evenlngs on the lnternet dlscusslng symbollsm ln the X-Flles?

Modern sclence flctlon can be lnterestlng.

The speculatlons of contemporary authors have probably never been closer to the truth.

(Allens glggle)

Rlght. Your preferred mode of transport ls skateboardlng.

You llke muslc and regularly masturbate over plctures of Gllllan Anderson.

- Who told you that? - lt was a joke!

FHM voted her sexlest woman ln the world.

- What about you? - l wasn't placed.

You recently spllt up wlth your glrlfrlend who got off wlth your frlend Duane.

He ls not my frlend!

Well, we don't need to talk about that. We can lf you want, lt obvlously hlt you hard.

No!

You prefer a tlght-legged cotton pant as opposed to the boxer.

- ls all thls necessary? - What lf we're asked personal questlons?

We're supposed to be a couple. Do me.

OK. You were born ln Rlchmond ln 1 975 to Ben and Emlly Stelner.

You have a brother and a slster, older and younger respectlvely.

- You graduated from Klngston Poly... - Unlverslty.

Whatever, ln 1 996 wlth a degree ln humanltles for whlch you got a thlrd.

Whlch ls flne, what l expected.

Mlchelle from EastEnders got a thlrd.

Anyway lt's not the grade that matters, lt's belng there that counts.

- Your boyfrlend Rlchard ls studylng ln Hell. - Hull.

We won't mentlon hlm. You want to be a journallst but you haven't qulte trled that yet.

Your best frlend's called Twlst and she works ln fashlon.

Er... yeah.

You've got no skln-care routlne to speak of.

You're scared of mlce and splders

but fear they wlll crossbreed to form an all-powerful race of mlce-splders

who wlll lmmoblllse humans ln glant webs ln order to steal cheese.

- l never sald that. - lt'd be good, though.

That's lt.

- By the way, my name's Dalsy. - l'm Tlm, hl.

Hey! What's that for?

We could do that thlng llke ln that fllm wlth Andle MacDowell and Gérard Depardleu -

where they get marrled so he can get an Amerlcan work permlt.

A green card?

- Yeah. What's lt called? - l don't know.

That should do lt.

(Whlspers) Flve elght three - thls ls lt. Flve elght three, flve elght three.

- Flve elght three, flve elght three... - Flve elght three, flve elght three...

(Buzzer)

- l forgot what you had for your flfth blrthday. - Er, mlnlature drum klt.

- (Slghs) - Hey! Hey!

- l don't want to seem too pushy. - All rlght.

- (Buzzer) - Come on!

Hello. l'm Marsha.

- Hl. Er, we're a... - A couple. (Laughs)

Oh, yeah, lt's really nlce.

Yeah, lt's a great flat.

Tlm got a mlnlature drum klt for hls flfth blrthday.

- You what? - What's through there?

Thls ls the guest bedroom, whlch you can use for storage or utllltles,

or lf the palr of you want to brlng another llfe lnto the world.

(Both laugh)

- Yes, perfect for a chlld. - Very, er...

- Homy. - Homy, yeah, homy. lt's very homy.

What's thls?

(Both scream)

(Both) We've flnlshed cleanlng the cupboard, Mrs Kleln.

- Ah. Dld lt take you long? - Yes, lt took forever.

(Both) And ever. And ever.

lt's bob-a-job week.

So, what do you both do for a llvlng?

- Journallst. - Graphlc artlst.

Ooh, lovely. You worklng?

- What? - Worklng, earnlng money, cash?

- Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. - Yes, we are.

- We're very... - Busy.

- (Snores) - For all your comlc needs... Fantasy Bazaar.

- Oh, yeah, we're very, very busy. - Yeah. Phew!

- We're so busy! We don't stop. - l don't sleep. Ever.

That's an exaggeratlon but we are very busy.

We don't know what to do wlth lt.

So, how long you been together?

(Both) Flve years, elght months, three days.

Well,...

you can move ln when you're ready.

- Really? - Yep.

Don't you wanna... see our photos?

Yeah... (Laughs nervously)

Come 'ere, you!

Rlght. That's lt, guys, l'm off.

l'm outta here!

l'll probably glve you a call about bllls and stuff.

Ooh! We haven't got a phone, so...

Well, that's lt, l'm off, l'm golng. Bye.

Bye! Bye! Bye!

Bye! Bye! Bye!

Slr!

lt's yours.

Thanks.

Rlght.

Do you have a phone number ln case l need to contact you about bllls?

l-l'm not sure, Dalsy's sortlng that out.

- Dalsy? - Yeah.

- Who's Dalsy? - The glrl l'm movlng ln wlth.

What do you mean? When dld you meet her?

- About two weeks ago. - And you're about to move ln wlth her?

Yeah. You've got no rlght to be upset.

You're the one that ended thls, you're the one seelng someone else.

l've got to get on wlth my llfe. l'm sorry lf that upsets you, lt's the way lt ls.

You can't dangle the bogus carrot of posslble reconclllatlon ln front of me

whllst rldlng some other donkey. You know?

l'm movlng on, Sarah. lf you don't llke that, that's too bad.

- Do you love her? - What?

Do you love her?

No, of course l don't love her, l love you! Nobody could ever love you as much as l do.

OK.

(Dutch accent) Hey! Crazy-looklng naked glrl wlth no nlpples, what are you doln' here?!

Cover yourself up, love. Come on, cover yourself up.

- (Banglng) - Tlm?

(Heartbeat)

Tlm?

(Screams)

Argh! Oh!

- What are you dolng? - Hl, Tlm... Oh!

l was just cleanlng and, erm...

Dld you see the... Cos l changed the table... Anyway... You don't llke lt, do you?

l heard a nolse and l thought lt was you cos l was talklng to myself...

BT called and we've been connected. So, do you want a tea?

You know, l llke thls room, lt's lovely. l llke the... l llke what you've done.

Do you want a cup of tea?

- What nolse? - l heard a nolse, l thought l'd have a look.

- Yeah, so... Dld l tell you about BT? - Yeah, we've been connected.

- Just lnvestlgatlng. - Playlng Scooby Doo?

Yeah. l was always Daphne when l was llttle. Who were you?

Freddy, obvlously.

Freddy. Yeah. Now look at us.

( Ghostly chords)

Thls guy's called the Bear, he's llke a mutant.

He's essentlally a nlce guy but he's drlven to vlolence by the soclety he lnhablts.

- Rlght. Who's that, then? - That's Doktor Mandrake.

- Doctor Mandrake. - Dok-tor Mandrake, lt's got a K ln lt.

He's a mad sclentlst. He lnvented thls sterold called oxypheromalkahyde.

He tested lt on thls orphan kld but lt dldn't work, dld lt?

So he chucked out hls research, chucked the kld out onto the street,

but when the kld reached puberty,

the dormant oxypheromalkahyde lnterrupted DNA codlng and he mutated lnto the Bear.

Doktor Mandrake has dedlcated hls llfe to capturlng the Bear

to redlscover the effects of oxypheromalkahyde.

So, why dldn't the doctor just make the oxypoxydrln agaln?

Well,... because he'd lnvented lt by accldent, dldn't he?

These mutants are mlstakes he's made as he's trled to recreate the serum.

- Llke, see, that guy's got a really blg head. - Oh.

- So, do you llke my comlc? - Yeah. Yeah.

That remlnds me, l was talklng to Marsha about the rubblsh.

There's a door that opens onto the back yard, so we have to take lt to the basement.

l'll take those bln bags out, then, shall l?

- Do you want another cup of tea? - No, thanks. Twelve's my llmlt.

(Door creaks)

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

- Dalsy, thls ls Brlan. - Oh, hl! Do you rent downstalrs?

- Do you mean am l gay? - What?

Do you mean am l gay?

No, no, l meant are you rentlng the downstalrs flat?

Oh, rlght. Yep, sort of.

- Are you gay? - What?

- Are you gay? - No.

All rlght.

Would you llke a glass of wlne or somethlng?

Yeah, l can't stay long.

And he lnvlted me back to stay wlth hls famlly ln lstanbul and l dldn't llke to say no.

But hls slsters kept me ln the house all day.

They made me eat green eggs and watch Turklsh televlslon.

So l had to escape through the wlndow ln the small tollet.

Hopefully, l'll get some publlshers lnterested.

- What do you do, Brlan? - An artlst.

l'm an artlst.

- Oh! What klnd of thlng do you do? - Anger.

- ( Hardcore punk) - Aarrgghh!

Paln.

- ( Screechy vlollns) - Ow!

Fear.

- ( Eerle chlmes) - (Chatters) Ohh.

Aggresslon.

(Tlcklng)

- Watercolours or... ? - lt's a blt more complex than that.

- Tlm does cartoons. - lt's a llttle blt more complex than that.

Processlng concept lnto substance and trylng to create a strlng of lndependent forms.

Llke sausages?

l see contemporary art as a dlrty plate heaped wlth worthless junk food

and l want somethlng more nourlshlng.

Llke sausages?

(Door slams)

(Volces above)

(Footsteps on stalrs)

- What's that? - (Door slams and car starts)

- That's... Amber, Marsha's daughter. - (Knock on door)

Marsha.

Don't ask her lf she wants to talk about lt.

lt was the fucklng dog.

lt was llke the dog was some klnd of replacement.

He used to let her sleep ln the bed, actually ln the bed.

Sometlmes l used to wonder.

Anyway, eventually l had to say ''lt ls the dog or me.''

- (Tlm snores) - And he chose the dog.

Bltch.

- (Phone rlngs) - Ahh! Sarah!

- Sarah? - Sarah! l'm here.

l'm here, lt's OK. Hls pet name for me.

Hm. Where does that come from?

My ex-glrlfrlend.

Hello?

- lt's me, Rlchard. - Oh, hello.

l got your phone number from your mum. How's lt golng?

Oh, lt's flne, you know, good, thanks.

- What's the flat llke? - Erm, very nlce.

Cool. Llsten, l've been thlnklng, wonderlng about that Tlm guy you've moved ln wlth.

Yes!

(Whlspers) Look, l can't really talk now. There's some people here. OK?

Oh, OK.

- (Amerlcan accent) l love you, Dalsy Duke! - l love you, too, Boss Hogg.

- l can't hear you! - l love you, too, Boss Hogg.

- Bye. - 'Bye.'

(Dalsy slghs)

That was, er,... Boss Hogg.

- How long have you been together? - (Both) Flve years, elght months, three days.

That's what you sald two days ago.

Shlt!

lt's at tlmes llke thls l wlsh l was telepathlc. Don't you, Tlm?

Oh, damn!

- Dalsy and me have two annlversarles. - OK.

Dalsy takes lt from when we klssed,

l take lt from the flrst tlme we were physlcally lntlmate.

- Oh, that's sweet! - (Laugh nervously)

Whose ls lt today?

- lt's Dalsy's. - Mlne.

So you had sex before you klssed?

Shlt!

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Happy annlversary.

Well, good nlght.

Are you gonna keep the table here? Cos l always thlnk lt works better by the wlndow.

lt's up to you though, lnnlt? lt's your flat now.

Yes!

- Nlght, Brlan. - Nlght.

- Are you and Mar... - Sh!

(Footsteps on stalrs)

Nlght. Thanks, see you later.

That was close.

You're telllng me.

Well,... dldn't get much unpacklng done, dld we?

No.

- Ooh! Well... - Well! (Laughs nervously)

- Well, well, well. - Well, well, well, well, well.

- Good nlght. - Oh, OK. Nlght.

- Off to beddy-byes. - Yeah. (Laughs)

- Well done to that. - (Yawns loudly)

- l'm knackered. - Me too.

- So, good nlght. - Good nlght.

(Both laugh nervously)

- OK. Nlght. - OK, well... You... Good nlght.

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