Original subtitles

Grr!

(2001: A Space Odyssey theme)

What's taking you so long? I'm getting bored.

OK, we're fin -

(Gasps)

I know what to do.

That thing's huge! Did I just level up?

Large asteroid headed for home planet.

It's the end of the world!

As usual, I'm prepared. I have a secret underground bunker.

Why didn't we know about it?

Because it's not a famous underground bunker.

It can withstand anything. Zombie apocalypse,

misguided people handing out pamphlets, a robot uprising.

It's just as I left it,

pristine and untouched by anyone.

Huh?

Come to think of it, maybe I did know about it.

Clean this place up. Restock the rations.

And get that moustache off my moustache!

I have a plan.

Our planet is about to be hit by a giant asteroid!

Come with me if you want to pay. I mean, live.

Really? We'll be obliterated by a giant asteroid scheme?

This asteroid is real! W h i c h , I ' l l a d m i t ,

takes some of the joy out of the scheme,

but you must dance with the girl who brung ya.

- (Laughter) - Go on, laugh.

But you won't be laughing when you're crushed by a meteor.

That's only funny when it happens to someone else.

Comedy 101, people.

I can spot anything coming at us with my tail-o-scope.

Uh, how is a tail-o-scope different from a telescope?

It's not.

A giant asteroid coming to destroy us!

This is just an alien invasion cover-up.

I hope it's the aliens who help us, not the ones who eat us.

If my calculations are correct,

the asteroid is on a direct course for this planet.

Oh, asteroids fly by all the time.

What are the chances it'll actually hit us?

- 100%. - I can live with those odds.

The best move would be to deflect the meteor -

So is it a meteor or an asteroid?

- That's a good question. - No, it's not.

He's just trying to distract us

so he can sell spots in his bunker.

Our best bet is to blow up the asteroid

and send it off its current course.

Or we could let it hit us. And by us,

I mean those who've not paid to live in my bunker.

I suggest we have everyone jump at the same time

and throw our planet off its orbit.

Tails should figure this out by himself.

In the meantime, I'll hide in Eggman's secret bunker.

I was just going to suggest that myself.

I'm gonna be rich!

You know, money will be useless if there's no civilization.

I'm now basing my decision on who is most bunker-worthy.

Each of you must write a one-page essay

on why you deserve to be saved.

Can it be double-spaced?

It's no use. I can't figure this out.

Huh!

- Wait a minute. - Can't I still look my best?

That's it! We can use mirrors to aim solar rays at the asteroid.

The heat will bump it off course.

We just need lots of mirrors.

This is either a mirror

or the portal to a parallel universe,

where my evil twin is trapped.

Be gone, evil Sticks!

Ready, aim, fire!

There's too much space debris between us and the meteor.

I can't shoot it from here.

Is there a hyphen in bunker-worthy?

These essays are awful!

Looks like my evil scheme to underpay teachers

came back to bite me. Cubot, go and have them draw straws.

Maybe I should pick someone I hate.

With Sonic gone I'll need a new nemesis.

I like the bendy one!

Our only choice is to shoot it from space.

We'll have to borrow Eggman's rocket.

He'll never let us use it. He wants the asteroid to hit.

Unless...

Thank you.

Congratulations! You're my five finalists.

The rest, go home to your doom.

Aw!

(Whispers)

What's the meaning of this?

You have to follow parking regulations,

even in the middle of the jungle.

OK, ground control, I'm ready for my mission.

Um, Sonic, we think Knuckles should go.

What? No way!

He's the only one strong enough to lift the machine.

But how often do I get to literally save the world?

According to the TV listings, about once a week.

Sacrificing your glory for the common good

- is also very heroic. - OK,

then I guess then Knuckles and I will both be heroes.

But I'm the hero going into space to save the day.

Knuckles, the Solar Convergence Device or, as I like to call it,

the Solar Convergence Device,

has been loaded into the Eggrocket.

When it comes up alongside the asteroid

you'll have to activate the Solar Convergence Device.

Tails, we don't have a lot of time here.

- Can you shorten the name? - Fine. The SCD.

- The what? - The SCD.

- The what? - The SCD.

- The Solar Convergence Device. - Oh. Why didn't you say so?

You'll need to activate it,

then get away from the asteroid as quickly as possible.

- Got it. - The first step

is to set the calibration lever to 47 degrees.

What's the opposite of "got it"?

It's OK. I wrote it down for you.

With pictures.

(Dramatic music up)

Knuckles, the asteroid is about to crash into us.

- You need to hurry! - Oh, sorry.

I was trying to be dramatic.

Knuckles, as you approach the asteroid,

its magnetic interference will disrupt radio communication.

Think he'll be able to do this?

As long as he has this list.

Uh-oh. What did I give Knuckles?

Milk, tomatoes, tail conditioner...

These instructions are more complicated than I thought.

I'll just have to wing it.

Miaow!

What are you... ?

Oops! That's seven years bad luck.

But who gets it, me or the machine?

That worked out well for me,

except the asteroid is headed for the planet

and I'm all alone in space.

Looks like I'm gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way.

- Computer, open the doors. - I'm sorry, Knuckles.

I'm afraid I can't do that.

Looks like I'm gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way.

I'm sorry to do this to you, asteroid,

but I've got a lot of friends on that planet.

Aaah!

Whoa! Aaah!

Knuckles should have been back in radio range by now.

It should've been me.

Knuckles, can you hear me?

Yeah!

- Hey, Tails? - Knuckles! You made it!

Did my Solar Convergence Device work?

It kinda broke. But, being a hero,

I took care of the asteroid. Smashed it to bits.

Knuckles, all those pieces are gonna come crashing down on us.

Yeah! I mean... Oh, that's terrible.

Eggman's rocket sent back some great pictures.

I can't believe Knuckles landed on the asteroid.

Me neither. That was obviously shot on a soundstage.

Knuckles went to space, but I kept 30 pieces of the asteroid

- from destroying us. - I counted 31 pieces.

I call top bunk.

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