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ANNOUNCER: In the last episode of Soap,

Burt decided to run for sheriff and was hoping to get elected.

Leslie has threatened to kill herself,

and Billy is hoping she won't.

Carol was hoping to win custody of the baby,

and Jodie, hoping she wouldn't,

hired Mr. Mallu as his attorney,

hoping it would help.

Chester returned,

hoping Jessica would take him back,

but Jessica is dating her psychiatrist,

who is hoping she won't.

Dutch and Corinne have become involved

and seem very happy,

and are hoping it works out.

The Tates have hired a new butler named Saunders,

who, after one meal, is hoping it's all a bad dream.

And Jessica suddenly collapsed and was taken to the hospital,

and everyone is hoping against hope

she'll be all right.

Confused?

You won't be after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells,

and this is... Soap.

We begin this week's episode

shortly after Jessica collapsed.

I hate hospitals.

Dutch, you don't have to stay.

Why don't you just go home?

Are you kidding?

And leave your mother here

like this?

Never. Never.

Oh, God.

I can't take it.

Why her, Corinne? Why her?

Dutch, we don't even know what's wrong.

It could be nothing.

I'll bet it's because she's dieting.

In the last two days, she's eaten a carrot.

Excuse me,

but would you all stand back,

away from the bed?

Air is generally a good thing

for our patients to get a little of.

Are you the doctor?

No, he's the Good Humor man.

Who do you think he is?

Hello.

Uh, Mrs. Tate, I'm Dr. Hill.

Hello.

Are you the best? We want the best.

We don't care how much it costs.

Of course you don't care. It's not your money.

I'll rob a bank

as long as she gets the best.

And I don't give her the best?

Boys, please.

I'm sure Dr. Hill is the best.

Second best.

Who's the best? My father.

We want him. He's dead.

We'll take you.

Who are all these people?

I am her husband.

I'm, uh, her boyfriend.

And my psychiatrist.

Well, I was her psychiatrist.

I'm her sister.

I'm her daughter.

And I'm, uh... I'm, uh...

Who am I?

Nobody.

Chester.

Uh, he is my daughters' boyfriend.

Both my daughters.

My daughter Corinne, who is here,

and my daughter Eunice, who's run off with someone else.

If you don't mind, everyone,

I'd like to take Mrs. Tate's pulse.

Certainly.

Go right ahead.

Then would you mind letting go of her hand?

He can let go.

He's on your side.

I'm her husband.

Not for long.

Oh, now, boys, boys.

Both of you let go.

Ready?

One, two, three, whoop.

Is it her wrist?

Is something wrong with her wrist?

Dutch, he's taking her pulse.

Her pulse?

Oh, my God.

You're too good-looking to be a doctor.

You look like a soap opera doctor.

Are you?

Are you both?

Are you an actor, doctor?

No, Mrs. Tate.

Oh.

Because I think

some of those television actors who play doctors

are really part-time doctors.

They know everything.

Do you know, Richard Chamberlain

once diagnosed Chester's gallstones?

Chester was lying on the couch.

He had a pain in his upper right side.

We were watching Dr. Kildare,

and Richard Chamberlain said to Raymond Massey,

he said, "He's got a pain in his upper right side.

It's gallstones."

And that's exactly what Chester had.

I can't take it. I can't take it.

Take it easy, Dutch.

It's protein.

She needs protein.

A little cottage cheese, she'll be a new person.

I can't stand it.

Why her? Why her?

Hmm.

You shouldn't do that.

What?

Look at a patient's chart and say, "Hmm."

Because if I were a heart patient,

and you did that,

I'd be dead now.

I'm sorry.

So, what did my tests show?

Well, actually, your tests show that you need more tests.

More tests?

Oh, my God.

Dutch, pull yourself together.

You're a killer, for God's sake.

Something's wrong, isn't it?

Now, Mrs. Tate,

we don't know that for sure.

That's what we're trying to find out.

No, there's something wrong.

Look, right now,

there's absolutely nothing to worry about.

Now, I'm going to call an orderly

to take you downstairs.

Chester?

Yes, Jess?

I want you to move back home.

All right.

I want you to be there to look after things

while I'm here.

Whatever you say, Jess.

I'll do whatever you say.

I only want one thing...

for you to get well.

That's... That's all I want.

You really do care, don't you?

More than anything in the world.

You have the strangest way of showing it.

I know.

Okay, Mrs. Tate.

The orderly will take you down now.

May I go too?

Me too.

All right, you ladies can go,

but you gentlemen have to stay here.

It'll be all right, darling.

They'll take some tests.

They'll see that you need carbohydrates.

A few baked potatoes, she'll be a new person.

Bye.

Bye, Jess.

I'll write.

Mr. Tate, we're not quite sure

what your wife has,

but certain things are beginning to emerge.

A picture is forming.

What kind of picture?

We don't know for sure.

Well, what do you think it is?

We think your wife is a sick woman.

How sick?

Very, very sick.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Mr. Tate,

but as soon as we know any more,

we'll talk again.

What kind of answer is that? "Very sick"?

Now, what does that mean?

Real sick.

I'm a doctor, doctor.

Look, uh, doctor,

if I tell you what I think it is,

and it is,

you're going to be miserable for an extra day.

But if I tell you what I think it is,

and it isn't,

I'm going to look like a jerk.

As soon as I know for sure, you'll know.

Oh, God!

I can't take it.

Oh, God, I can't stand it.

Tails.

Ha ha! A buck and a half.

Double or nothing.

Yeah. Look at them.

They're wearing a hole in the rug.

How long is this going to take?

They should've been done hours ago.

Burt, Burt, they've got to count all those votes all over again.

It takes a while.

I don't believe it.

I lose by one vote?

One vote, and it's my own?

Can you believe that?

Yeah.

Why doesn't it ring? Please, why?

You think it's broken?

Well, lift up the receiver...

Don't touch it!

You lift if up, they'll get a busy signal.

Well, don't look at it.

You're looking at it too much.

If you watch it, it won't ring.

That's a known fact.

Won't boil.

If you watch it, it won't boil.

I don't think it'll boil even if you don't watch it.

Not the phone. A pot.

Oh, I thought

it was the phone you were watching.

I am.

It's the pot you can't watch.

Well, how can I?

I don't even see it.

We're not watching a pot.

We're watching the phone.

Don't. If you watch it, it won't ring.

It won't boil. It'll never boil!

Mare. Hey, Ma.

Mare. How are you? All right. Come on.

Mare, I... Jessica. How's Jessica?

She seems okay.

They don't know. They're doing some tests.

Tests. Great, tests.

A hospital doing tests.

You go in fine, you come out in an urn.

Mare, get her out of there, please.

Burt, they have to find out what she has.

What she has is health, Mary,

and if they find it, they're going to keep it.

Burt, please, she's in good hands.

Don't worry.

Tell me, what happened?

Did you win?

Lost, by one vote.

Oh, Burt. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for you, but I'm not sorry for me.

And I'm sorry I'm not really sorry.

Okay.

Uh, but... See, I told them that the one vote was mine,

and could I please redo it.

They laughed at me.

So I demanded a recount.

The man wants to be sheriff.

He can't punch a ballot,

but he's going to handle a gun?

Hey, hey, hey, pally.

I was a little nervous.

You going to be calm in a shoot-out? Jeez.

Hey!

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, it's...

Really?

Ooh...

Really?

Really?

Deet...

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Oh no.

Yeah, all right.

Bye.

Prentiss got caught stuffing the ballot boxes, so...

I won. I am the sheriff.

Hey!

All right!

How about that? Sheriff.

And I get to be deputy, right, Burt?

Me. Deputy. Me. Please?

I'm going to be the deputy.

You are not. I am too.

No, you're not.

Am too! You are not!

Boys, boys.

Burt, what's the matter?

Well, it's Prentiss.

He... He won't give up the office.

Yeah, he's holed up in the armory

with enough weapons

to qualify as a third world nation.

He says he will not be taken alive,

and my first assignment is, uh, to take him.

Let's go get him.

Danny, uh, this Prentiss,

he won gold medals for marksmanship,

and he is now

in a fortified stone building.

On second thought,

I don't want to be deputy, no.

Uh, too short. Yeah.

Uh, have a good time.

I wish we had horses.

That would really be great.

Burt, you're not going to do this.

You're not going to go. You'll get killed.

Mare, I've got to do it. I mean, I'm... I'm the sheriff.

What am I going to do, say, "I don't like scary work,"

and give them back the star?

Yes. You'll talk to them.

You'll tell them you'll be a very bad sheriff,

because your wife is a very nervous person

who is expecting a baby.

I can't do that.

Why not?

I am the sheriff, Mare.

I mean, they elected me.

I mean, it's... I gotta serve.

It's... Mary, come on, listen.

Hey, this is, what? Nothing.

There's nothing to worry about here, Mare.

I love you too much to get hurt.

This is... This is really a breeze.

This is fine.

I just thought the job would be mostly parades,

that's all.

Let's go.

Are you crazy?

You're not going too.

Go to your room.

I don't live here anymore.

Then go home and go to your room.

Ma, I have to go.

I'm the deputy,

and wherever Sheriff Burt goes,

Deputy Dan follows.

Mare. Come on, Mare.

This is nothing, here.

We'll be home in time for grub.

First, we've got to stop by the store

and buy a gun.

Dutch, what are you doing?

Hi, Corinne.

I'm making a cake.

It's 5:00 in the morning.

I know. I cook better in the dark.

Besides, Sandy don't let me mess around here in the daytime.

You going somewhere?

Away.

Any particular reason?

I can't stay here no more.

Is it Eunice?

You're going looking for Eunice?

No.

It's just that I ain't got nothing to do here anymore.

Sandy does the cooking. I don't have a job.

I'm sort of useless.

But this is your home.

Corinne, I've been a lot of things in my life,

and some of them, I ain't too proud of,

but useless... I've never been that.

But you belong here.

You'll find a job.

I'll help you.

Oh, Corinne,

you've got enough to worry about.

Your mother's in the hospital, and you've got a baby.

I was kind of hoping you'd stick around, and, well...

"Well" what?

Be a friend to Timmy.

He really likes you.

I like him too.

He's a great little guy.

I got to go, though.

I love you.

I love you.

Earth to Dutch.

Earth to Dutch. Come in, Dutch.

You do?

What, you think I sleep with you

because you make

a terrific veal scaloppini?

I love you.

I... I don't know.

I just... fell in love.

You did?

How come?

I don't know.

No reason.

None, really.

I mean, you're good and kind and loving,

and you listen to me when I talk,

and you do actually make a hell of a veal scaloppini.

Should I go upstairs and unpack, or what?

Oh, dear.

See here, it's 5:08 in the morning.

Can't you do that someplace else?

Hi, Sandy.

Did we wake you?

You woke me approximately three hours ago

when the plaster started to fall from my ceiling.

I thought we were being hit by bazookas.

Good God,

did you have to move your act down to the kitchen?

Dutch was making a cake.

I haven't had a chance to clean it up yet.

This is absolutely incredible.

Yeah, it is a little messy, ain't it?

Messy?

It looks like Betty Crocker exploded.

Please, get out of here

before I say something I'll regret...

although I strongly doubt it.

Maybe we'd better go back upstairs

and get out of Sandy's hair.

Dutch...

Yeah, honey?

You didn't tell me that you loved me.

My dear girl, after tonight,

all of Connecticut knows he loves you.

Come and look at the cake.

It was supposed to be a going-away cake.

"Dear Corinne...

"This is short,

"on account of there ain't much room on this ting.

I lobe you."

Aw, Dutch.

"Lobe"?

I couldn't find a little chocolate "V."

If you don't get out of here,

you're going to find a big chocolate fist.

Hi, Dallas. Mallu...

Look, I know I'm late. I know it.

Don't start in, okay?

I lost a heel.

The judge has been out three times already.

$120 for black wingtips,

can you imagine?

Mallu! Okay. I've got news. Good news. All good.

She's decided to drop the case?

There were two different judges assigned to the case.

I challenged both of them.

Hanging Henry Potkins

and Fag-baiting Flanagan.

Both out.

Who'd we get?

Sarah Carver.

She's crazy about me.

Do anything for me. Ask.

Embarrassing at parties.

Never mind.

Which reminds me, how's your Aunt Jessica?

Forget it.

E. Ronald Mallu, we meet at last.

F. Peter Haversham.

E. Ronald.

F. Peter.

E.

F.

This is big. Ask me why.

Why?

High noon, kid.

Showdown at Bear Creek.

Together for the first time. Big.

This guy's never been beaten.

Gosh, I wish they had some cameras in here.

Can you beat him?

What?

Of course I can.

If anyone can, I can, but he's good.

He once defended a woman

who wanted the custody of her child.

He made her look like Joan of Arc.

But you said the mother usually wins anyway, right?

Not if she's on death row at the time.

Why was she there?

Cannibalism.

Don't worry.

I'll beat him.

We'll make the O.K. Corral look like a pillow fight.

Listen, when you're done with your Gary Cooper movie,

try to remember that my daughter is the issue here,

and not your career.

If I lose, you lose, kid. Don't forget that.

All rise.

Okay, here we go.

Sarah will take one look at me

and throw Haversham out the window.

Of course, it'll mean dinner and dancing,

but what the hell?

I'm gonna destroy you, Mallu.

Twit.

Oh, my God.

Problem?

We're in the crapper.

That could be a problem.

Well, well, well.

E. Ronald Mallu, champion of the oppressed.

Hi, Betty.

"Your Honor," if you please.

What's going on here?

Bad Luck Betty Small.

Used to be prosecutor.

I humiliated her 22 times.

She must be real fond of you.

Mr. Mallu, whenever you're finished.

May I approach the bench?

Approach.

What happened to Sarah?

Judge Carver was arrested last night

for indecent exposure.

I hope Your Honor can forget the past

and remain unbiased.

Look, Mallu,

Your Honor's quite aware of the way you operate.

Operate?

Mm-hm. Twisting words, disgracing witnesses,

using cheap, vulgar theatrics,

turning this courtroom into your own private sideshow.

Just sit down.

We're golden.

Hi, Betty.

Hi, Petey.

Petey?

May counsel approach the bench again?

Make it fast.

Carol...

What are you doing?

Carol, I'm going to ask you one last time.

Don't do this. It's wrong.

Get away from me, Jodie.

Carol, Wendy and I are one now.

You can't take her away from me.

She doesn't even know you.

Tell that to the judge.

You don't even know what you're doing.

You're gonna destroy her, Carol.

You're gonna destroy your own child,

and she'll never forgive you.

Go back over there and sit down.

She won't accept my challenge.

She loves him, hates me.

God, this is exciting.

What?

I feel for the first time, I could actually lose one.

Will the plaintiff take the stand, please?

I don't believe this.

She's wearing her confirmation dress.

What did you expect, a G-string, for God sakes?

Still drinking, eh?

Now, Ms. David, would you tell the court

why are you not with your daughter at this time?

Because she deserted her. Shh!

I asked my mother

to take Wendy to New York

so she could have a visit with her daddy.

I, uh...

I just wanted her to know that,

whatever happened between Mr. Dallas and myself,

she still had a father.

What?

What happened

when your mother went to pick your child up?

Mr. Dallas and, uh, a group of...

A group of what, Ms. David?

A group of homosexuals threatened to kill me

if I ever came back for her again.

That's a lie! My God!

Mr. Dallas! That's a lie!

Mr. Dallas, you're in contempt.

She's in contempt of everything that's decent and honest.

Mr. Dallas...

And you, Your Honor. What does this contest of egos

have to do with my child?

No. This trial is about us, not you.

Sit down.

Carol...

Mr. Dallas, may I remind you

that contempt is a crime.

This court is not in the habit

of awarding custody of children to criminals.

Now, you either be quiet,

or I'll not hear your case at all.

Sorry, judge. He's fine.

She's lying. Take it easy.

He's just a little excited.

Take it easy. She's lying.

We beg the court's pardon.

Now, go ahead, darling.

ANNOUNCER: What will happen

now that Carol has lied in court?

Will her nose grow?

Now that Sheriff Prentiss says he won't be taken alive,

how will Burt take him?

Or will he take Burt?

Now that Dutch and Corinne are happily in love,

what will happen to mess it up?

And what is the doctor not telling anyone?

What is the matter with Jessica?

These questions and many others will be answered

on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.

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