Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: In the last episode of Soap,

Jessica got depressed

when she found out Detective Donohue got married.

Dutch got depressed

when he found out Eunice got lucky,

and although she promised never to be unfaithful again,

we know she didn't mean it.

Burt got rid of his depression over dying

by trying to get into the Book of World Records.

Jodie got depressed

because he couldn't find a nanny,

and until he found a nanny, he couldn't go to work,

which was depressing his bank account,

so he moved back home,

which helped Mary over her depression.

Depressed?

You won't be after this episode of... Soap.

This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate...

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

and this is... Soap.

I don't get it.

I don't get it.

As soon as our head hits the pillow,

she turns into a fire engine.

She's teething, Burt. Teething? Teething?

She's been teething for a month.

What is she, a walrus?

Teething? Teething?

When they're babies, they cry from teething,

then they get braces

and they walk around for a couple of years

looking like a '56 Buick.

Then they need caps.

There's braces, and night braces,

retainers,

rubber bands flying out of their mouths,

smack you in the eye...

Mare, in the mouth of a teenager lives the national debt.

Burt, you're raving.

I get a little irrational

when I haven't slept in six weeks.

I'm glad I can't sleep.

I get nauseous when I lie down.

I can feel the baby kicking me.

It's a wonderful feeling.

I lie there in the dark, feel a little kick,

giggle like crazy, and then throw up.

God, I'm starving.

Well, as long as I'm up,

I may as well take another shot at this here.

Mare, for the Guinness Book of World Records,

11:58 PM.

Hey. Hi, Burt.

Hi, Jodie.

I'm, uh, real sorry about this.

No problem. I love it. I love it.

We get to come down here...

talk, I don't know.

Hey, Wendy, Wendy...

Grandpa.

BOB: That's it. I'm moving out.

Bob... Don't "Bob" me.

I'm leaving.

It's started again,

every night, all night long.

I can't stand it anymore.

Come on, Bob.

She's just a little baby.

I'm not talking about her, Dr. J.

I'm talking about you.

All night long with that ball.

Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching.

A screen, and...

shoot it already, damn it!

Bob, Dad is trying to get into

the Guinness Book of World Records.

For what? Being a nudge?

Reminds me of my cousin Pinocchio.

What a pain in the rear he his.

"I want to be a real, live boy!

I want to be a real, live boy!"

All night long.

It could make you throw up.

Hi.

Carol.

May I come in?

Sure.

How have you been?

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Ms. Warmth.

Oh, well, we better get dressed, Mare,

we're going to make that movie.

Let's go.

Movie?

Burt, it's midnight, and...

I'll put on a skirt. I won't be a minute.

Hi, Mary.

Hi, Carol.

Excuse me. I have to throw up.

Uh, Chuck, do you think you and... Yeah.

Uh, Bob, why don't we go for a walk.

Yeah. Oh, hi there, Carol.

Long time no see.

Bob.

Listen, did you get that, uh,

Mother's Day card that we sent?

Well, I-I guess not.

Good night little Wendy, Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.

You look well.

You were, what, in the neighborhood

and thought you'd just, uh, drop by?

Something like that, yes.

God, she's beautiful.

More beautiful than I remember.

You got some memory.

She looks like you.

When she's awake and screaming

I think she looks like me,

but right now I think

she looks a lot like her m...

I think she looks like you.

She's incredible.

So how you been?

Good, good.

What happened to the, uh...

the cowboy?

Oh, he's here.

We came into town together for the rodeo.

Is the rodeo in town?

Damn, my chaps are in the cleaner's.

May I hold her?

Of course.

Oh, God.

Carol, would you mind putting her down?

I...really want her to sleep.

Okay.

You don't seem too happy to see me.

Carol, you come into my life

like a sailor on leave,

tell me I'm going to be a father,

then leave me at the altar,

prevent me from seeing my child,

then you abandon her.

And now here you are again,

and you don't understand why I'm not happy to see you?

Well, excuse me

if you are not my choice for woman of the year.

You don't know what I went through...

It's late.

We've got to get to sleep.

I understand.

I'm sorry.

We'll be here till the end of the month.

May I see her again?

Sure.

Thank you.

Bye-bye, honey.

Her name is Wendy.

See you.

Shh.

Mother. Mother.

Mother, will you listen to me?

Mrs. Fader got killed by a lion on a safari in Africa.

You live in Queens.

What do you mean, you're next?

It had nothing to do with you.

She stepped out of a Land Rover and tried to sit on a lion.

What has that got to do with you?

Mother, we all wish people were dead some time.

You don't have to feel guilty, Mother.

I'm a psychiatrist.

You can take my word for it.

Fine. What do I know?

Your time is up, Mother.

Mrs. Tate.

I'm not crazy.

I'm sure you're not, Mrs. Tate.

Come in.

You see, I'm here because of my children.

They wanted me to come here.

I understand.

Sit down.

Do you really understand,

or are you just saying that to humor me

because actually, you really do think I'm crazy?

I don't think you're crazy, Mrs. Tate.

Believe me.

Sit down.

The patients

are generally not the crazy ones.

We are.

Well, that's very funny.

That really is very funny.

Oh, well, I feel much better now.

You see, I was a little depressed.

That's why my children wanted me to come here.

Now you've made me laugh, and I feel so much better.

I really want to thank you for that, Doctor.

Goodbye.

You have 48 minutes left.

That much?

Well, I just want you to know, Doctor,

I have no intention

of being entirely honest about everything.

There are some things I prefer to lie about.

That should be helpful.

Well, that just about does it.

Time's up.

47 minutes left.

Of course, I do have one aunt, a distant aunt,

very, very distant... She lives in Portugal...

and she is a little crazy.

She thinks she's royalty.

Wears a little crown everywhere.

You know, to the market, to the beach.

Last year declared war on Spain.

Uh, Doctor...

I don't mean to be personal,

but why do you have a punching bag in your office?

It's to help people get rid of their anger.

They pretend the bag is someone they're mad at,

and they punch it.

I see.

Would you like to try it?

Oh, no, no.

Thank you.

I might break my nails.

It can be very helpful, Mrs. Tate.

I have used it myself on occasion.

Who do you pretend it is?

It depends.

Well, I used to pretend it was my wife.

Used to?

We're divorced now.

We've been divorced quite some time.

I see.

I'm entirely over it now,

but then...

well...

I guess I used to get pretty upset about things.

Like what?

Like what?

Mm-hmm.

The woman was having an affair with our next-door neighbor.

No.

Yes.

He used to come over all the time

and borrow my tools.

I had no idea what else he was borrowing.

She had an affair with our son's orthodontist.

He charges me six grand, sleeps with my wife,

and my kid still looks like a rabbit.

She slept with the pediatrician.

She slept with the pool man.

She slept with the gas man.

She slept with the plumber.

She slept with anyone who rang the doorbell,

and I never knew it.

All I ever knew was,

whenever we got into bed, she was too tired.

Too tired.

It's a wonder she was still alive!

Maybe she slept with Chester.

Who's Chester?

My husband.

If he drove down our street, odds are, she did.

Doctor?

Are you all right?

Of course.

I was just demonstrating.

Your wife sounds a lot like my husband.

Oh?

My husband just left me for another woman.

Oh.

Well, actually, not a woman.

A teenybopper.

Well, it's easy to see, then,

why you're so depressed, Mrs. Tate.

I guess it's normal to feel depressed.

Oh, hell, yes.

After I found out about my wife,

I was so depressed, I couldn't get out of bed.

Neither could she, which is why I was so depressed.

Believe me, Mrs. Tate,

you are reacting normally.

I'd be worried about you if you weren't depressed.

Now, why don't you try

to get rid of some of your anger.

Go on. Punch it.

But I'm not angry, really.

Oh, come on, you've got to be a little angry.

No, really, nothing.

After what your husband did, you're not the least bit angry?

No.

Think of what he did.

Think of how he treated you.

The cheating.

The deception.

All those years.

All those lies.

All those women.

I guess I was a little angry.

I-I'm so sorry.

Hi, Burt.

22 hours.

22 hours I've been dribbling this.

Burt... I dribbled in the train.

I dribbled down the street.

I dribbled in the subway, where I almost got killed.

Four black guys tried to take it from me.

And what happens in your office?

One of your stupid nurses slaps it out of my hands.

Sorry.

What is wrong with her?

Where is her mind?

She takes a person's basketball

in the middle of a dribble?

I'm sure she didn't realize.

22 hours.

I have to start all over again.

I'm sorry, Burt. I'll talk to her.

Which one was it?

The blond.

The one who looks like a transvestite.

I'll talk to her.

Sit down, Burt.

This better be important,

why I'm here.

After what I just went through here,

this better be big.

It is big, Burt.

Something happened yesterday.

I lost a patient.

You're having a really terrific month here.

See, about the time you came in for your physical,

this other guy came in to see me too.

Well, he checked out fine.

Perfect health.

Yesterday, he died.

I-I-I-I did an autopsy, Burt.

He had your disease.

W-What?

What do you mean? What do you mean?

Well, you know, I mean, I have no time left?

You gave me five months. No.

What... This... You mean...

Ah.

What do you mean, this is it?

I mean, right now, any second, pfft, I could just...

I'm getting dizzy here.

That's it. Doc.

Hold me. Doc.

I can... I feel it.

That's it. The heart's stopped.

It's gone.

No, Burt, no.

Doc, I'm going, I'm going.

You tell Mary I love her.

Burt, you're not dying.

Give my eyes to some blind guy.

I got 20/20 vision.

But just tell him,

remember, vodka makes them red.

Burt, it was a mistake.

Am I dead yet?

This is taking a very long time.

Burt, you're not dying.

The lab made a mistake.

He had the disease, not you.

You mean I don't have...

I never had...

I'm not now... I don't... I'm alive?

I'm living?

I'm going to... I'm not going to die?

Whoo-hoo!

Doc! Oh, Doc!

Doc! Mm!

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I feel awful.

That poor guy died and I'm happy.

Oh, if it's any help at all, Burt,

he was a terrible guy.

See, that's why I got so upset when I thought you were dying.

I said, "Why Burt?

Why should Cookie live and Burt die?"

His name was Cookie.

You can imagine a man named Cookie.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute here.

How do you make a mistake like this?

How?

How do you make this mistake?

Computer error.

Computer error?

It happens, Burt.

Computer error?

We're talking life and death here,

not Mastercharge.

I almost dove off the Flatiron Building.

They're ruining our lives, these computers.

I had a friend once,

shot the computer, it made him so crazy.

Computers.

You ever make a mistake on your bill, forget it.

Once it's in the computer, it's there for life.

I'm glad you brought that up, Burt.

See, unfortunately,

the computer thinks you're dying,

and it contacted other computers.

You know, bank computers, charge card computers.

See, some dying people

like to charge up a storm before they go,

so now, since all the computers think you're dying,

you've become a bad credit risk.

If I were you,

the next few months, I'd use cash.

Ooh. Making lunch?

Good. I'm starved.

It's for the baby, Ma.

What is it?

Strained spinach, strained carrots,

and strained beets.

I think I'll just have a cup of coffee.

Why can't they make strained Lobster Neuberg

or strained chocolate mousse?

I'd love to go out some night

and eat something I actually had to chew.

Well, why don't you, dear?

You know, I could watch little Timmy.

Oh, it's not easy dating

when you have a kid, Mom.

Men seem to run the other way.

Don't I know it.

What?

Well, look at me.

I have four.

Am I dating?

But all your children are grown up.

No, I mean a relationship.

You know, some nice guy

who's... Who's bright and funny and caring.

Someone who asks me questions about myself.

Someone who's cares about what I think.

You know, a friend as well as a lover.

And failing that, someone with a nice car.

Oh, Corinne...

Hi.

JESSICA: Hello, Billy.

You're home early.

I never went out.

Oh, that's strange.

You've been spending

so much time away from home lately.

Oh, Billy,

you're not ill, are you?

I'm great. I feel fine.

How's Leslie?

She's great. Fine.

She's terrific.

It must be so nice

to have someone you can spend time with.

It's the best.

Where is she now?

Who cares?

Billy...

I didn't mean that, Mom.

It's just...

she wants to see me all the time,

and I really care for her. She's a wonderful person.

But I'm just too young to commit all my time to her.

Do you believe this?

Here we are dying for what you have,

and you don't want it.

What's with this family and relationships?

Oh, ho, ho...

ho...

Is something the matter, Dutch?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

Everything is Jake.

You seem a little depressed.

I found this on my pillow.

What is it? It's a letter.

I know that, dear.

I mean what is in it?

Well, I haven't read it yet. I'm too scared.

Well, who's it from?

It ain't from the tooth fairy.

It's Eunice.

She wants me out.

Now, Dutch, we don't know that for sure.

Yeah, this is goodbye. That's what this is.

I got 24 hours to get out of her life.

I'm getting the boot, the old wazoo,

the long goodbye.

Why don't you read it?

I can't.

If this says what I think it says,

I'll go nuts.

Uh, now, Dutch,

I know that your natural instinct

is to tear the kitchen to pieces

and throw it, piece by piece,

into the pool,

but you're a mature, intelligent man,

and I'm sure you can take any news,

good or bad,

with dignity and decorum.

Thanks.

Would you like one of us to read it for you?

If you don't mind.

Oh, there's absolutely nothing to worry about.

There's nothing we humans

can't handle like the British do.

Has anyone seen Irv?

Who? My pigeon.

I sent him across the lines with the prescription to fill

and he hasn't returned, the damn bird.

Oh.

Exactly.

It's a lousy letter, ain't it?

No, not at all, not at all.

Look, neatly typed.

It's in a new envelope, nicely folded.

Read it to me.

Fine.

Fine, but...

we're going to play a little game first.

It's called "tie-up."

You see, we are going to tie you up real tight,

and then we'll read the letter.

Won't that be fun?

Oh, please. I can handle it, really.

I-I believe you, Dutch. I believe you.

Corinne, you read the letter.

"Dear Dutch..."

You see? There's a good sign.

"Dear."

I mean, she could have started it, "Hey, Jerko."

Read.

"Dear Dutch...

I've run off with another man."

Okay, okay.

Little setback. No problem.

Shake it off.

Read.

"Please don't take this as a reflection on you."

Better. Billy.

Read.

"But I have to leave you.

"Please don't try to find me.

"It's easier this way.

Eunice."

God, look at the time.

Well, so long, everybody.

I'd better run.

How are you feeling, Dutch?

Don't worry.

I'm not going to do nothing.

I'd better go and pack.

What for?

I can't live here no more.

Eunice is gone.

So?

Well, you're her family.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Eunice.

I-I wouldn't be anywhere if it wasn't for Eunice,

so I'd better just go.

Dutch, wait.

Now, we're your family now.

Nah.

I appreciate you saying that, but that ain't true.

Now, Dutch, you listen to me.

You are not only a part of this family,

but technically, you are the man of the house.

I mean, we have just recently lost two husbands here,

and I simply will not tolerate

another man walking out of this house.

Dinner's at six.

Please don't be tardy.

Your mother's really a nice person.

We all feel the same way, Dutch.

Almost all.

Feel like talking?

No.

Feel like crying?

I haven't cried since, uh...

I don't cry.

Well, then...

would it help if I held you?

ANNOUNCER: Will seeing a psychiatrist help Jessica?

Will seeing Jessica help the psychiatrist?

Now that Eunice has left home,

will Corinne end up with her room?

Her clothes? Her man?

Did Carol just drop by to see the baby

or does she really want something else?

Now that Burt knows he's not going to die,

will finding out Mary's baby might not be his

kill him?

These questions and many others

will be answered on the next episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.

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