All language subtitles for Soap s01e17

ANNOUNCER:
On the last episode of Soap,

Ingrid revealed herself
as Corinne's mother.

Which means Jessica
is really Corinne's aunt, and Chester her uncle,

since Randolph, her father,
is her aunt Jessica's brother.

Ingrid has sworn
to destroy the Tates.

Meanwhile, at the Campbells,

Danny no longer
has to run around in disguise,

since Elaine Lefkowitz has spoken
to her father in Danny's behalf.

Burt, on the other hand,
has become totally consumed

with finding his son Peter's murderer,
and is acting more and more peculiar.

Having found a hair
in Peter's bathtub,

Burt spends a lot of time
yanking hairs from people's heads, trying to match it.

Confused? You won't be
after this episode of Soap.

[

This is the story of two sisters:

Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates.

And these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[

[

I can't seem to find anything.
What'd you say that name was?

Corinne Tate.
Corinne Tate.

I do not believe this.

You make a person
turn over their jewellery,

a totally barbaric custom
which, may I say, we do not have in Sweden,

and then when they do hand over
their jewellery to the police,

it disappears.

Got it. Corinne Tate.

It was filed under
"Corinne," not "Tate."

That's why I couldn't find it.

I'd love to be here for
an execution when you screw up somebody's name

and figure it out after
they've melted in your grilling chair,

you dumb barbarian.

All right.
Let's get this over with.

Well, well, well.
Look who's here, the glorious Tates.

Well, my dear lady,
it seems some misfortune has befallen you.

I've taken your Corinne
and soon they'll take your life.

Ha!

Listen, you.
You had better watch...

Oh, be quiet,
you boring, stupid man.

You all are getting
what you deserve.

Jessica Tate in jail.

[LAUGHING]

I adore it.

Okay, Mrs. Tate,
if you'll just give me your personal possessions.

Any jewellery.

Don't give him the jewellery, Jessica.
She has to.

Tinkler, this is absurd.
Why can't she keep her jewellery?

Rules, Mr. Tate.

You're going to pay
for this, I swear it.

What you have done to my
family in the last few days...

Oh, darling, it's all right.

It's probably a rule of some kind

so that the less fortunate
prisoners won't feel jealous.

I mean, if I went in there
wearing my sapphires,

and they were wearing
nothing but, well, let's say their costume jewellery,

it's bound to cause resentment.

All right, look, Mrs Tate,
let's move right over here.

I need to take
a couple of pictures.

Chester, be sure and help Billy
with his homework, now.

Yes, yes.

All right, we just
slip this right over

your head there, let it...

Uh... Uh...

Eh.

Could...? Could you just...?
That's lovely.

Excuse me.

All right, now.

Just watch the birdie here.

Excuse me. Let's go now.

No.
Oh, now, come on. None of that.

Tinkler, could we have
a moment alone, please?

Well, now, I don't know.
Oh, Tinkler.

Look, it's against policy.

Tinkler, for God's sake,
she's not Ma Barker.

Okay, but just one minute.

Chester, I'm scared.

You'll be out by morning, Jess.

I've never been in jail before.

Actually, I've never
spent the night alone.

I know, darling.
I didn't do it, Chester.

You know that I didn't do it.
Of course not, Jessica.

Of course not.
Don't worry about a thing. We'll get the very best lawyer.

But, Chester,
what about that movie?

What movie, Jess?

You know, that cowboy movie,
The Ox-Blood Incident.

"Ox-bow."
Right.

When they hung Henry Fonda...
I think it was.

Or was that Kirk Douglas?

But, anyway, I mean,
just as his neck snapped,

well, the deputy came running up
and said, "That's the wrong man."

But, I mean, of course,
it was too late by then, because there was poor old Henry Fonda

all bug-eyed
with his tongue hanging out.

Innocent, but dead.

Jess, it was just a movie.

But, Chester, where do you think
they get those movie stories from?

They get them from real life.

Jessica, you won't hang.

Well, if I do, and they do
make a movie of it,

Chester, promise me that you
will try to retain some control.

Because I have a feeling,
I mean, I just have this awful feeling,

they're thinking about
having Shelley Winters play me.

See, I was thinking of someone
like Catherine Deneuve.

She's attractive enough.

Or it could make
a wonderful musical.

You see, Barbra Streisand
could play me,

and Robert Redford
could play Chester.

[

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

That's it.

Ha-ha-ha.

You sucker.

Hey, Mom, is Burt
coming out of the basement?

No.
Mom, he needs help.

He doesn't need help.
Oh, come on, Ma.

He's been acting really strange.

He sleeps down there
in the basement.

Ma, yesterday he goes out
and buys 200 Bunsen burners.

He needed them for an experiment.
Two hundred?

They were on sale.

Mom, he should see
a psychiatrist.

Look, the man's son was murdered.
That's an enormous shock.

There's bound to be some
reaction to it. He'll get over it.

Mom, last night he told me
that sometimes he thinks he's invisible.

He was joking with you.
Invisible.

[LAUGHS]

He was serious, Mom.

He told me that sometimes
he can walk through a room and nobody sees him.

He says it helps him greatly
with his detective work.

And you believed him?
He was joking with you.

Look, this is all
a reaction to grief.

There is no reason in the
world to worry about Burt.

[EXPLOSION]

MARY:
Are you all right?

Burt, what happened?

I don't know. I think I mixed
the wrong chemicals.

I mean, they were
supposed to foam slightly.

Burt, this is getting
too dangerous.

Unless... Of course, someone
tampered with my experiment.

The... The police.

Oh, that Tinkler, he's so
jealous of me, it's incredible.

Me and my work.

The other day, I was
at police headquarters,

I asked to see a hair from
Corinne, they threw me out.

You've gotta stop doing this.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mary.
Oh, my God.

Mary, Mary, it's me.
Let me look at you, just as plain as ever.

Oh, my God, Ingrid.

And this your husband?
Interesting man.

Are you a chimney sweep?

No. He's Al Jolson.

And your sons, how nice.

One is a fruit-fruit,
and one plays with dolls.

Hey, Miss Ingrid,
whatever you are, get out of here.

I always thought your
first husband was a horror.

This one is worse.

And now, I have a wonderful
announcement to make.

My lovely, beautiful daughter,
Corinne, has been released.

I knew it. I knew she didn't
do it. That was the theory I was working on.

I wonder if the police
stole my notes too.

Even better than that,
Jessica has been arrested.

Isn't that lovely.
What?

Jessica didn't do it,
she's got red hair.

Not only is the man filthy,
he's also an idiot.

Aah! What are you doing,
you stupid lout?

I'm gonna test this.

A person comes into your house
and you pull out hairs?

You dirty, stupid, crazy man.

I want you to leave now.

I would be delighted,
but I will be back.

I'm not finished
with this family.

I won't rest until I've destroyed
every last one of you.

Ha!

Well, obviously, the police
have no idea what they're doing.

I gotta get back to work.
That Tinkler...

Ow!
Hey!

I hope the fire's out
down there.

Mom...

I know, he needs help.

[

Nice. Real nice. A work of art.

Who did this, the new man?
Yes, Mr. Lefkowitz.

Keep him, he's a Rembrandt.

So...

So, so, so.

You are Danny.
Yes, sir.

Danny Dallas.
Yes, sir.

My daughter tells me
I shouldn't kill you.

She's grown very fond of you.

So how did you two
happen to meet?

Well, you see, I was...

Well, it was...

Okay, Elaine, sweetheart,

be a good girl and let Daddy talk
to your friend here in private.

No.
It's business, darling.

I don't care.

Okay, honey bunch,
what do I have to do to get you to leave?

Buy me a present.
What do you want?

A fox coat.
Okay, a fox coat.

Make a note.

Oh, Daddy, silver.
A good one, no funny skins.

Does your mother need a coat?
No. No.

So, Danny Dallas.
Yes, sir.

You still owe us a favour, you know.
I know, I know.

But I can't kill a man,
so if you're gonna ask me to shoot somebody,

you might as well
gun me down now.

No killing, no killing.
This is a non-violent favour.

Ick! What is that?
Is that a finger?

Tell Gomez, I know him
20 years, he kills a man, I take his word for it.

So, what is it?
A finger.

I never saw anything
so disgusting in my life.

You wanna see?
No.

The favour. The favour
you wanted me to do.

Can't tell you now.
I'll tell you when the time is right.

Meanwhile, you don't
have to dress up anymore.

So go home, enjoy yourself,
and I'll be in touch.

Thank you, Mr. Lefkowitz.
Don't thank me, thank Elaine.

I think I already did.

Phew!

I don't know how to thank you.
I do.

Hey, listen, I really
appreciate everything.

And so long.
Hold it.

Where are you going?
Home.

Wrong.
Hey, now look, Elaine, fun's fun...

Oh, Daddy.
Wait, wait, wait.

Listen, Elaine, I gotta get some rest.
You haven't let me sleep in days.

Forget it,
you're coming with me.

Upstairs.

Look, Elaine, I'm exhausted.
I can't move.

I can.

He's a nice boy. It's too bad.

Wait till he finds out the favour
is he's got to marry my daughter.

He'd be better off dead.

[

[

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it?
EUNICE: It's me.

Oh, darling.
Do you know what time it is?

Where the hell have you been?
What?

Our one night together.
You know what my schedule is like.

I mean, I've been waiting for hours.
Now we hardly have any time.

Walter, my mother has been arrested.
Oh, wonderful.

We finally get a night together
and your mother gets arrested.

I suppose now you're
not in the mood.

What do you think,
this is some big thrill for me?

I love running over here
in the middle of the night for three minutes, once a week?

I'm sorry. I just...
Hey.

You have a morning press
conference, I don't see you.

Your wife gives a dinner party,
I don't see you.

Your kid plays a sweet potato
in the Thanksgiving play and I don't see you.

But my mother gets arrested
and you complain?

Eunice, I'm sorry. I am. I mean it.
Come on, forgive me, huh?

I'm a little upset.
I got this today. Read it. Come here.

"I know all about you
and Eunice Tate.

To keep the pictures I have
from the press will cost $50,000."

Walter, what are you gonna do?

Nothing. It's a crackpot
scheme to get money.

What could they possibly
have pictures of? You know how careful we've been.

I've personally checked out
every hotel room.

You think I get us rooms
facing a brick wall because I like them?

No, Eunice, I guarantee you,
there's absolutely no way anyone could have ever...

Oh, my God, Atlanta.
What?

Atlanta. Atlanta, remember?
Atlanta?

We had to stay over at
the last minute. I didn't have time to check the place out.

That little place. The Peachtrees.
The Peachtrees.

Oh, my God. That was
the night you heard noises on the roof. I said it was birds.

Birds? You said it was
squirrels throwing peach pits.

What are you talking about,
squirrels throwing peach pits? Squirrels can't throw.

Well, that's what I said, but you said,
"Yes, squirrels can throw peach pits."

Well, that's ridiculous.
I mean, nobody was there that night.

Nobody saw us that night.
Nobody took pictures.

What am I worrying about?

Walter, that was the night
we played that game.

What game?
Walter.

I can't believe we did that, you know.
What?

Where you dressed up
as the Roman gladiator,

and I was the slave
you'd just bought.

Oh, my God.

And then you tied me to the...
I'd better pay.

[

And that's actually
what you do for a living?

I mean, you're a...
Hooker.

Oh, my goodness.

You see, I thought
they only had them in Europe.

And you do it with strangers?
It's kind of hard to charge a friend.

And so a customer was
dissatisfied and turned you in?

No, no, it was a cop.

You mean a cop was dissatisfied
and turned you in?

No. No.

Well, let me ask you one
more question. My God, this is fascinating.

See, I never get to ask
questions like this.

Okay, Babette, you're out on bail.
Mrs. Tate, your lawyer's here.

Benson?

Well, Benson, you're not a lawyer.
Shh!

They wouldn't let me in to see you,
so I told them I was your lawyer.

You didn't.

Yeah. I'm with the firm
of Honeycutt, Pringle, Kaplan and Black.

I'm Black.
Black.

Well, you look like a lawyer.

Actually, you look
very nice as a lawyer.

I'll bet you could be one.
I smell bacon.

That's because
I brought breakfast.

Oh, Benson, look at this.

Blueberry muffins
and Canadian bacon. Grapefruit.

Well, I knew you couldn't
eat the food in here.

What do you want for dinner?

Oh, you know what I would love?
What?

Meatballs and spaghetti.
Well, that's a problem.

See, because the sauce
will run in the case.

Right, and then
you couldn't explain that.

Yeah, especially to Mr. Tate.
The briefcase is his.

Morning, darling.
Oh, hello, dear.

Benson, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm...
He's my lawyer, Chester.

Yes. Honeycutt, Pringle,
Kaplan and Black.

He's Black.

Well, I guess you
won't be needing me.

No, no, no. He's not
a lawyer, he's a butler.

Benson, why are you
posing as a lawyer?

Because I couldn't get in
to see her as a butler.

Carry on, counsellor.

Jessica, this is Mr. Franklin.
He was Corinne's lawyer.

Hopefully, he'll be
taking your case.

How do you do, Mrs. Tate?
Delighted.

I would like to ask you just
a few simple questions, if it's all right.

Certainly.

Jessica.

Now, naturally, the first
question I must ask you is

did you kill Peter Campbell?

Well, do I look like
the sort of woman who would kill somebody?

[LAUGHING]

It's just that I have to
hear the answer in your own words, Mrs. Tate.

I see.

So would you mind
giving me the answer?

I guess not.
Fine.

Would you give me the answer?
I forgot the question.

Did you kill Peter Campbell?
Oh, yes.

You did?
No. Yes, I remember the question.

I don't know how you could ask
such a question.

Did I kill Peter Campbell?

Did you?

Did I what?

Did you kill Peter Campbell?

Well, of course not, silly.

Sheriff Tinkler found the gun
that killed Peter Campbell

in your lingerie drawer.
Now, do you know how it got there?

I guess I put it there.

So the gun is yours?
Oh, yes.

Yes, you see, I gave it to her

for the nights that I was
out of town, as a precaution.

I don't like having it.
Do you know

once I was searching for
a particular pair of panties, and the gun went off?

Shot a hole through the drawer,
went right out in the hall,

and lodged in a portrait
of my grandfather and put a hole in his head.

Which some people
maintained he always had.

[LAUGHING]

Mrs. Tate, if we could go on.

Now, the knife
that killed Peter Campbell

was found in your jewellery box.
Do you know how it got there?

No. How?
I don't know.

I'm asking you.
Did you put it there?

Not that I remember.

So you might have put it there?

No, she didn't. I assure you.
Well, now, Chester, I don't know.

You remember the time
I put your shoes in the dishwasher.

Sometimes her mind
is on something else.

Yes, I see. Ahem.

Mrs. Tate, do you know who
might have seen you

sleeping in your guestroom
the night of the murder?

No. Who?

Do you think anybody saw you?

Well, I don't know,
Mr. Franklin.

I mean, who would want
to see me sleeping?

Fine. Thank you
very much, Mrs. Tate.

I think I've got all
the information I need.

It's so nice to have met you.
Very nice to meet you.

Would you like some
breakfast before you go?

Not for me, thank you.
Come again.

Thank you. Mr. Tate,
if I could speak with you for a moment.

Mr. Tate, let me put this
as candidly as possible.

Now, your wife,
as we know, had the motive,

the murder weapons
were found in her room

with her fingerprints
all over them, and she had no alibi for that night.

Plus which, the judge,
as you can see from the astronomical bail that he has set,

hates rich people.

Well, what you're saying
is it'll be a difficult case.

Mr. Tate, Clarence Darrow
in his prime,

arguing this case
against a mute prosecutor,

with a jury of Mrs. Tate's relatives,
with you sitting as the judge,

could not possibly hope to win.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I do have
a career to think about.

I cannot take this case.
Well...

Can't you recommend something?

Yes. Plead guilty.

It'll save you a lot of
time and money, and the outcome will be the same.

I'm sorry.

What did he say, darling?

It's an open-and-shut case.
You're not to worry about anything.

I'm not worried.
I'm innocent.

[

ANNOUNCER:
Will Ingrid really destroy all the Tates and Campbells,

or is this just some
Swedish bragging?

Does a blackmailer really have
compromising pictures

of Eunice and the congressman,

or is it merely a school chum
playing a practical joke?

Will Danny marry Elaine, or will he
decide he'd rather be killed?

If the case against Jessica was
argued against a mute prosecutor

with Chester as the judge,
would Jessica really be found guilty?

And if she is,
will her worst fear be realised?

Will Shelley Winters play her
in the film?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on the next episode of Soap.

[

[

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