All language subtitles for Soap s01e14.eng

[

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters:

Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.

Jessica lives in a neighbourhood
known as rich.

Jessica likes life.

The only thing about life
she would change, if she could,

is that she would set it
all to music.

The Tates have more secrets
than they do money.

We're approaching
Mary Campbell's house.

Mary, too, likes life.

Unfortunately, life doesn't seem
to be too crazy about her.

As you can see, the Campbells
don't have nearly as much money

as the Tates.

They do, however,
have as many secrets.

[

In the last episode of Soap,

Chief Tinkler informed the Tates
and the Campbells

that they are all suspects
in the murder

of Peter Campbell, the tennis pro,

because all of them had a motive
and most of them don't have an alibi.

Chester, who knew Jessica
had had an affair,

but didn't know who
she had her affair with,

found out her affair
had been with Peter.

Of course, before his death.

Confused? You won't be
after this week's episode of Soap.

We begin this week's episode
of Soap

shortly after Chief Tinkler
has left the stunned families.

Well, Chester, I just can't believe it.

I mean, Chester,
to think that one of our own relatives might be a murderer.

A murderer.

I mean, I spent the whole evening
with a murderer, I fed dinner to a murderer.

Actually, I might be living in
the same house with a murderer.

Chester, who do you think did it?

Who could have done it?
Who cares, Jessica?

After what I learned this evening,
I couldn't care less about a murder.

Oh, what did you learn?

Oh, that. Heh.

Yes, that.
Uh-huh.

Uh, Chester, do you think that we
are talking about the same "that"?

I think so.
Uh-huh.

You're talking about that "that",

that has something to do
with me and, uh, someone else?

That's right.
Oh, that. Oh.

Yeah, well, that is the "that" that
I thought that you were talking about.

Well, Chester, I...
I don't see what the big deal is.

I mean, I told you I had had an affair.
I mean, you did know about it.

But I didn't know who, Jessica.

I didn't know who you
were having your affair with.

Well, I... I should think
it would come as a relief.

Relief?
Yes.

Doesn't it make you feel better
to know

that I had an affair
with someone who's dead?

I... I mean, someone who's dead now.

I mean, it should make it
much easier, Chester.

You'll never bump into each other
at a party.

And you'll never have to look at him
and picture, uh...

I assumed, Jessica, when you told me
you were having an affair

that at least, at the very least,
you were having a dignified one.

But to discover
that you were robbing the cradle...

Do you know how that looks?

Do you know
what people say about that?

Well, when men do it
they say "congratulations."

That's something else entirely,
Jessica.

Young girls
are attracted to older men. It's a known fact.

We can't help it.

Yes, you can. You could say no.

He was a boy. An absolute boy.
Ha-ha.

It must have been wonderful.
I'm sure you had a lot to talk about. Ha-ha.

No, we didn't. Heh.

Well, I wouldn't think so.

A... Actually, there was never
very much time.

I mean, you know,
it is kind of hard to talk and...

Uh... Spare me.

At the same time.

Well, Chester, I'm sorry.

Well, must have been exciting, huh?
Heh.

Of course,
a young, good-looking guy.

Probably knows all kinds
of tricks they're doing these days.

They've got all these new books.

Well, Chester, it didn't last long.

When I was growing up,
we didn't have books.

There was one way to do it.

Chester, are you jealous?

I mean, the guy has got energy. Heh.
And tricks.

How can you compete?

He grew up on Penthouse.

I grew up on National Geographic.

Why should I know
as much as he does?

Chester, I'm here.

Look at me.

I'm here.
Of course you're here.

He's dead.

Well, I was still here
when he was alive.

Now you know how I felt
all those years, Chester.

You felt this way?

Mm. Every time.

And it was an awful lot
of times, Chester.

Feels awful.

I know.

Sometimes I felt so awful,
I thought I was going to throw up.

Except, of course, I hate to throw up.
I haven't thrown up since 1948.

I don't think I've ever
felt like this before.

I know.

[

I'm sorry, Jess.

I'm sorry you ever had
to feel this way.

I'm really sorry.

Chester, let's try

never to make each other
feel this way again. Hmm?

Thank you.

Boy, it sure is quiet around here.

Hey, guys, what's the matter?
Did somebody die? Ha-ha-ha.

[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Take it easy, Burt.

Come on. Don't you have any
feelings? He was your brother.

It wasn't my brother, you idiot.
It was his.

Don't call my father an idiot.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, Dad.
It's all right.

It's all right. It's all right.
No, I'm all right.

I'm all right, I'm all right.
I'm all right.

Boy, you never know what life
has in store for you, huh?

I mean, you just never know.

Only a few days ago,
I'm the happiest guy in the world.

And now today, I couldn't be sadder.

I know, dear.
I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe God looked down
and said:

"Hey, uh, Campbell's too happy.
Let's cool him down. Kill his son."

I don't know, I don't know.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I don't know
what the world has come to.

When someone in one's own family,

is murdered by someone else
in someone's own family.

Jessica, please, enough of this.
Nobody...

Nobody killed anybody.
Oh, yeah?

Well, somebody better tell Peter.
They buried him the other day.

Peter was stabbed, shot, strangled,
suffocated and bludgeoned.

Do you seriously think
that one of us could've done it? Heh.

For God's sake, nobody in this family
could sit through The Exorcist. Heh-heh.

That's right.

I just wonder if any of the Campbells
could sit through it.

You know, I think I remember
one of them telling me they loved that.

Now which one was it?

I just wonder which one
of the Tates did it.

Burt, I find it very difficult to believe
that one of the Tates is a murderer.

Oh, you do, do you, huh?
Well... Well, I don't.

It was one of them. I know it.

Probably Jessica.

She couldn't have, Burt.

Not in a million years.

Mary, please,
do you ever talk to that woman?

She's got a vacuum cleaner bag
up here.

You know, Jessica told me
she talks to flowers.

Lots of people do that.
I talk to my fern.

Yeah, but does it answer?
What?

Does it answer?
Of course not.

Okay. Jessica's flowers answer.
I mean, they... They talk back.

You've heard them?
BURT: No, I...

No, of course not. She told me.

Now, you don't think that's crazy?

A woman who says her flowers talk?
Jessica.

It was Burt. It was Burt
who said he loved The Exorcist.

Uh, either that
or The Sound of Music. Uh... He was raving about one of them.

Chester, do... Do you think
it could have been Burt?

Jessica, you know
I can't stand the man.

I'd be happy to pin anything on him.

But I have trouble believing
he'd kill his own son.

Maybe it was Danny.
Why Danny?

He's so rude.

Oh, I don't think
it could've been Danny.

Y-you remember the time
that the trees got all infested with those awful birds,

what are their names? Uh...
Grackles.

Right, the crapples.
Well... Would you...

Grackles.
Right, yeah.

Well, everybody wanted
to shoot the birds,

and don't you remember,
Danny passed around the petition and saved the birds.

So I don't think
it could've been Danny.

Maybe it was Jodie.

Jodie? Please, the man
couldn't even kill himself.

[LAUGHS]

I think it was Chester.

Come on. Chester would be afraid
of staining his clothes.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I think Bob's right.

Yeah, sure. That's it.

Chester, right? Chester did it.
Chester, that's it. Uh-huh.

Maybe it was Jodie.
You know how jealous he gets. Hah.

God knows, Peter was having an affair
with enough members of this family.

I'm glad you said it.

I think it was Corinne.
Ha. No way.

What, no way? She had a motive.

She was living with him.
She was jealous.

Corinne did it. Corinne's the one.

Well, if it wasn't any one of
the Campbells, then it was one of us.

Please, Corinne.

She is right. The chief of police said
that it was someone in either family,

and we are all suspects.

We are not.
Yes, we are.

You are a suspect.
I am a suspect.

So is Corinne. A-and...
And so is Eunice. So is Benson.

I mean, it's amazing.

Here we are, all five perfectly
nice people, enjoying breakfast...

Well, actually, four because
Benson's not eating.

But I mean, Chester, here we are,
five perfectly nice people,

and out of these five perfectly nice
people one of us is probably a killer.

I mean, a ruthless, cold-blooded,
dangerous, homicidal, lunatic, maniac killer

who, naturally, is very cleverly
disguised as a nice person.

Jessica, please. Enough of this.

For the last time, no one killed...

It's like magic.

I walk in and talking stops.

Well, don't worry, I'm not staying.
I'm late for school.

I'll just grab my juice
and be on my way.

Dad, the last word in your sentence
was "killed."

Go.

Killed Peter.

No one could do it.
No one would do it.

Oh, I don't know.

Young, good-looking, virile...

That'd drive you crazy.

Shut up, Benson.

Well, now, Chester,
he does have a point.

I mean, if we examine it,
you did have a motive.

Oh, really?
JESSICA: Mm-hm.

And I suppose you didn't?
Come on, Daddy. Mother?

I'm not saying she did it, Corinne.
We're talking about motives here.

It's ridiculous to talk about motives.

I mean, if we're talking about
motives, Corinne had a motive.

Oh, Eunice, please.

Well, it's true. You never heard
the term, "crime of passion"?

I have. Crime of passion.

Oh, it's such a beautiful expression.

I always wanted someone to commit
a crime of passion over me.

Chester, would you have
ever killed for me?

You can build a case
against anybody, even Eunice.

Oh, come on, Corinne.

Well, how do we know
you weren't sleeping with him?

Everybody else was.

That's enough. I've had it.

No one in this house
ever killed anyone.

Well, I guess that eliminates
all the Tates.

Yeah, which leaves us.

Maybe it was Burt.

I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!

I'll rip his little tongue out.

Burt, what are you gonna do?
Strangle a dummy? Come on.

And what am I? Your next victim?

What?
BURT: Ah. You heard me.

How do I know it wasn't you?
MARY: Burt.

Or you.
Burt, don't say that.

Sure I can, kid. You...
You're both suspects.

You heard Tinkler.
Burt, come on.

Heh-heh.
It could have been jealousy. Hmm.

What was there to be jealous of?

He was an idiot.
Oh.

[SCOFFS]

You're calling my dead son an idiot?

Oh, I'm sorry.

[SIGHS]

A dead idiot.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

[YELLS]

Dad! Dad!
Burt.

[CHOKING]

What are you doing?

[CHOKING]

[GRUNTS]

[

[

So you are a supporter of the ERA?
Oh, yes.

Tell me, congressman, rumour
has it that your Senate campaign

is only a stepping stone on your way
to presidency. Is that true?

I'm not planning that far ahead.
It's true.

Waitress.

Marilyn, Marilyn, don't you think
you've had enough to drink?

No. Cheryl, Gretchen,
whatever your name is?

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

Marilyn, that's enough.

Dear, I'm sorry to interrupt your
efforts to find a bed for tonight,

but I'd like a martini.

Marilyn, this has got to stop.
Fine.

You're a congressman. Go lobby.

[SNORTS THEN LAUGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, God.

Oh, I love you.
I can't stand being without you.

Oh, Walter, I don't know what to do.
Uh, move back a little.

Walter, I'm afraid I'm in trouble.
Mm-hm.

Oh, my God. How many weeks?

No, no, no, the murder.
Peter's murder.

Oh-ho-ho, that. Terrible thing.

I'd like another martini, please.

And this time, could you put it
in a coffee cup?

Thank you.

Walter? They're asking me for an alibi
and I don't have one.

Are you a suspect?
Yes. Everyone is.

Just tell them
where you were that night. Hmm.

I was with you.

In a hotel, in bed.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh... Are you really a suspect?

Uh, I'll... I'll come over, uh,
about 10 tonight. Hmm?

What about Marilyn?

Well, it's noon,
she's on her fourth martini.

By tonight at 10, she'll be in a coma.
I love you.

[CHUCKLES]

You leave first.
It could look funny if we left together.

What are you doing in here?

Ah. Uh...
Well, darling, it's the bathroom.

What does one usually do
in here?

That's weird.
I was waiting for the bathroom.

The door opened. Then she came
out of here, that girl reporter.

You saw a woman come out
of this bathroom?

Yes, that pushy little girl
who follows you around night and day.

She must really be hard up.

Well, you should have come
five minutes earlier.

The pilot was in here
and all the stewardesses, and we were having a party.

But I saw her, Walter.

I mean, it's hard to miss her,
the girl's in heat.

Marilyn, the drinking has to stop.

I mean, forget about the fact
you embarrass the hell out of me.

And then now you're going around
hallucinating, uh, seeing people walk out of bathrooms.

Marilyn, the... The... The drinking
has got to stop once and for all.

[

And you should have heard
all the kids talking in school today.

I am so sick of this murder.

Well, you can imagine how
Peter must have felt.

It's all we talk about.

That's all anyone talks about.
I know.

Yesterday, all the older kids
didn't even know I was alive.

Today, they wouldn't leave me alone.

I mean, I'm sorry Peter's dead,
but this has done a lot for me.

Did you tell them that
you didn't know anything about it

because the chief of police
sent you from the room?

Are you joking? I made stuff up.
Billy.

All the help on the block
started a pool.

Good. In the summer,
the troops can go swimming.

They're all taking bets.

You've got more money on you
than Ali in the last fight.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You want me to get that?

Would you mind?

Well, now I know how Elizabeth Taylor
and Jackie Onassis feel,

walking down the street,
with all that staring and whispering.

I don't know how they ever
get anything accomplished.

Of course, it is worse
for them because everybody wants their autograph.

So far, nobody's asked me for mine.

But if they do,
I've decided to keep it really quite simple, just something like:

"Best wishes, Jessica Tate."

Sherlock Holmes.

Uh... Evening. I'm sorry
to interrupt your dinner,

but I have, ahem, an important
announcement to make.

Ooh. Is that prime ribs?
Yes.

My favourite thing in this world
is prime ribs, but,

oh, gosh, I haven't had that since,

oh, well, it must be going on
15 years now. Ha-ha.

Tinkler, what's your announcement?

You haven't had prime ribs
for 15 years?

Uh, you know how it is,
the little woman... Uh...

That's, uh... That's my wife.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She says she hates to cook it
for just the two of us.

There's too much leftovers.

Tinkler? Come on.
Yeah. Oh, yeah? What, huh?

Well, you could make sandwiches.

Now, that's what I told my wife,

but she said we'd have to go
on having sandwiches for months.

Well, if worse came to worst,
you could give some to your dogs.

Uh... No dogs.
JESSICA: Oh...

Tinkler, uh, could you make
this announcement of yours, please?

My wife's allergic. We've got birds,
though. Two parakeets.

[IMITATES WINGS FLAPPING]

Through the house.

I don't know if birds eat roast beef.
TINKLER: I don't think so.

Tinkler, what do you want?

I wouldn't mind a taste
of that roast beef.

Yes, of course. Sit down
in Eunice's place. She's not here.

I know. Eunice is in, uh, Washington.
Hmm.

Yeah, but then, uh...
But she's no longer a suspect.

Oh, Chester, isn't that wonderful?

Benson, please get the chief of police
a plate of roast beef.

Heh-heh-heh.
Nope.

Well, I eliminated you, too.

Rare, medium or well-done?

Rare, please.

Tinkler, you came
to make an announcement.

What is it?
Ahem. Oh, yeah, right. Uh...

I, uh... I've come to make an
announcement about the, uh... The investigation.

Mm-hm.
Uh... Oh, that looks good, yeah.

You came to make an announcement.
Right.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh. Is that... Is that what I think it is?
Huh? Huh?

Horseradish sauce.

Boy, do I love horseradish sauce.

[CHUCKLES]

Tinkler, are you going to tell us
or are you gonna move in?

Oh, yeah.

Right, well, uh, ahem, we've, uh...
We've narrowed down the leads,

and, uh, we've made some
conclusions, and, uh...

Would you pass the salt, please?

Your conclusions, Tinkler.

Oh, it's wonderful.
Marvellous, wonderful. Mm-hm.

Thank you.

Yes, we've, uh...
We've eliminated Benson.

We've eliminated Eunice
and we've eliminated, uh...

Oh, my. Heh-heh.

Is... Is that sweet-potato pudding?

That's right. Ha-ha-ha.

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.

My grandmother used to make that.
JESSICA: Oh.

Go on, Tinkler.
Don't mind if I do.

Oh. Would you please tell us
why you came here?

Uh... But the, uh...
Uh, the youngster, uh... Hmm? Hmm?

Uh, Billy?
TINKLER: Ahem.

Okay, fine. I'm leaving.

It's a wonder that I ever learned
the English language.

I'll be in my room
playing with my CB.

Maybe somewhere, somebody in
this world would like to talk to me.

Continue, Tinkler.

Mm? Oh, yes, well, as I was saying,

we've eliminated Benson
and we've, uh... We've eliminated Eunice.

Uh, Tinkler, are you saying
that it's one of the Campbells?

Oh. No, no, no, the murderer
is still in this house.

Hah! Who is it?
Well, it's...

[COUGHING, CHOKING]

Well, who is it, you idiot?

I think he means we're getting closer.

Water, water.
Walter. He said it's Walter, Chester.

There's no Walter in this house.

Water.
No, no. Water.

Water. He says it's water.

Who's water, for God's sake?

It must be a clue. Uh... Uh...

Lives near water?

[MOUTHS WORD]

Sounds like water?

Oh, I've got it.
JESSICA: What?

He needs water to drink, right?

Yeah, i-it...
It's a person who drinks water.

It's a person who, uh,
doesn't drink water?

No, it's Corinne.

Corinne?

Corinne Tate, you're under arrest
for the murder of Peter Campbell.

Ma?

[

[

ANNOUNCER:
Will Chester and Jessica really stop fooling around with other people

and actually start fooling around
with each other?

Will Mrs. McCallam
find out her husband

is giving more than just an interview
to Eunice?

Will the airlines increase
the size of their bathrooms

to accommodate larger parties?

Will Corinne be jailed,
tried, and convicted for the murder of Peter?

Will the Tates ever invite Chief Tinkler
to a roast-beef dinner again?

These questions, and many others,

will be answered on
next week's episode of Soap.

[

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